Episode 1 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Sarah Millican!

CHEERING

Hello! Good evening and welcome to Live At The Apollo!

CHEERING

Welcome to the show. How are you? Are you well?

-CROWD:

-Yes!

Excellent, good work. It's lovely to be here.

It's a nice temperature in here, isn't it?

It will get warmer as we go on.

I respond in quite a peculiar way to the heat, I think...

Mostly sort of here.

LAUGHTER

Down there gets what I would call "claggy."

What would you call it?

-WOMAN:

-Moist!

-Moist.

Moist is a good one.

When I did a show in Preston, a man shouted out, "No, no.

"We call that 'ready'."

And I had a lady say, "What you've got there is LDF."

I said, "What does LDF stand for?"

She said, "Long Day Fanny."

But what I do when it gets...moist...

is I just do a little plie.

LAUGHTER

I'm not a massive ballet dancer, but if I was a ballet dancer,

I'd clearly be a massive one.

You only get a couple of seconds' relief

cos it mostly just slicks back together.

GROANING

I did a show in Edinburgh

and a lady right at the back shouted out, "You need to use some talc!"

Surely that just forms a paste?

But I do have... I've got a good relationship with my mum.

You know, sometimes in comedy you laugh at things

because it's familiar, it's a shared experience?

Sometimes you laugh because you're just glad you're not me.

Let's see if this has happened to anybody else.

Whenever I'm on the phone to me mam, it always makes me need a poo.

Give us a "whoo" if that's happened to you.

-FEW IN CROWD:

-Whooo!

See, I've looked into it, it's a closeness issue.

It means that me and those people who whoo-ed,

we love our mams more than the rest of you lot love yours.

I love my mam so much, it makes me shit.

Try getting that on a balloon for Mother's Day.

Thank God for Moonpig.

But I bought a house quite recently.

I wanted to buy a house because I'd lived in flats for 16 years

and I really missed going upstairs to bed.

Not through the kitchen.

UPSTAIRS to bed.

I was sitting only a few months later, upstairs in bed,

quite smugly, just thinking, "This is the life. I've arrived.

"I'm upstairs in bed."

And then I thought, "Oh, no, now I've got to go downstairs for food."

What I really wanted... My parents have both always lived near a park

and I'd always been able to see a tree out of my bedroom window,

so that became a priority when I was house-hunting.

I wanted to be able to see a tree out of my bedroom window.

But it became very clear that I'm not massively suited

to country living, having lived in the city centre for so long.

I drove along a lovely country lane, lovely country lane,

and I saw a white marquee tent and instead of thinking, "Ooh!

"Somebody's having a lovely summer party."

I just thought, "Ooh, someone's been murdered."

I found a house that I liked, I got a survey done.

The survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all.

Luckily, I've got a friend who's a builder,

he said, "Let me have a look and I'll put it into layman's terms."

Smashing. Give us a cheer if you own your own home.

CHEERING

Give us a cheer if you rent.

CHEERING

Till now, I'd only ever rented.

I think there are phrases that mean nothing to those of us who rent

that the rest of you understand.

My friend said, "There is one thing you will need."

I said, "Oh, yeah, what's that?"

He said, "You'll need a damp-proof course."

And I genuinely said, "I haven't got time to go to college."

One of the things that the house that I bought did have

is a log burner. I've never had a log burner before,

I got quite excited by the log burner.

Not as excited as my fella did.

"He went, "Oh, my God, we'll be able to get a toasting fork

"and we'll be able to toast things!"

And I thought, "He does know I've got a toaster, doesn't he?"

He went to work, I went and bought a toasting fork, I was too excited.

I came back, grabbed a loaf of bread and thought,

"I'm going to sit in front and work my way through. Bloody love toast."

Couldn't get it to work, so I rang him.

He said, "How can it not work? It's fire and bread.

"How can it not work?"

So I told him what I'd been doing.

Turns out I should have had the little door open.

I might as well have been lying slices of bread

on top of my radiator.

But when I moved, I had bits and bobs of furniture, not much,

but I had some and I was trying to work out what would best go where.

I said to my fella, "I wish I had a tape measure."

He said, "What do you need a tape measure for?"

"I just want to know if that unit will fit in that alcove."

He said, "I'll sort that out for you." "Have you got a tape measure?"

He said, "No, I'm just good at that sort of thing.

"What do you mean?" "It's just an instinct I've got."

And first of all, I thought, rubbish.

And then I thought, "Let's have a look."

This is quite a manly thing to be able to do.

If he can do this, maybe we'll see what else slots where.

So I said, "Go on, then, do it."

This is what he did, he went exactly like this.

I said, "Is that it? You could have at least got your cock out

"and done six inches, six inches, six inches."

You know when you first move into somewhere new to you,

you want to make a few changes so it feels a bit more like yours?

One of the things I really wanted...

My parents are both disabled and both getting on a bit in age.

Something I thought would be useful

for when they stayed would be a grab rail in the shower.

I won't really notice it when I'm in the shower,

but how useful for when they visit.

So I got a grab rail fitted in the shower,

and a month later, I had a friend round visiting,

I was showing her round and I said,

"Look, I've had a grab rail fitted in the shower."

And she went like this.

"Oooh! Saucy!"

I said, "I don't know what you're talking about,

"but I'm trying to keep pensioners upright."

And I told my dad because I thought he'd find it funny.

He went, "Nah, nah, for that sort of business, you need two of them."

SHE RETCHES

But I've got two cats. Have we got cat owners in?

-CHEERING

-I've got two cats.

I don't know if you've tried to litter-train a cat,

it's straightforward. If they look like they're about to do something,

you pick them up, plonk them in the litter tray, you hope for the best.

But our first cat, Chief Brody,

named after the police chief in the film Jaws,

he didn't cotton on for a while, kept having little accidents, poor bugger.

So, my fella and I were standing over the litter tray

looking at it, looking at each other, going,

"Is there anything we can be doing to help him that we're not?"

And my fella, because he's so lovely,

he looked down at the litter tray and he went,

"Do you want me to do a shit in it to start him off?"

No.

No, I really don't.

It would be end to end.

GROANING

And the cat would be like, "Who the hell lives here? Aslan?"

I was in a cafe a few months ago with a friend of mine.

She's the sort of person who prefers savoury over sweet.

I don't really know why we're still friends, but...

She's nice enough. She ordered a carrot cake

and I always think carrot cake is such an abomination of a cake.

It's got veg in it. Shut up!

What you've got there is a rubbish pasty.

She ordered carrot cake. I ordered a slice of strawberry cheesecake.

On top of her carrot cake was some icing and then

a sliver of something orange coloured for decoration, I suppose.

I said to her, "Is that a bit of carrot?"

Fair assumption, it being carrot cake.

She had a nibble of it and she said, "No, it's not carrot."

I said, "Is it orange, then?" She said, "No, it's not orange."

So, well, I'm all out of orange coloured things.

Unless it's the tail of a goldfish, I've got no idea.

She had another nibble of it and she said, "I think it's apricot."

I said, "I can't have apricot." "Why not?"

I said, "I'm allergic to it."

And she went, "Ooh! What happens to you?"

And I went, "Ooh! I get the shits."

She said, "Is it really bad?" I said, "Oh, yeah.

-"It was like a chocolate fountain down there."

-GROANING

She said, "Was that just off one?" "No, no. I had a bag of them."

She said, "How many was in the bag?"

"I don't know. Maybe 40?"

And it was only then I realised I'm not allergic to apricots.

I'm allergic to 40 apricots.

But I stopped buying women's magazines a few months ago -

just feels like there's nothing in there for me.

Why would I buy anything where the only time I ever see anybody

who looks a bit like me is underneath the word "before"?

APPLAUSE

You know, there's a huge list of all the things that we, as women,

are supposed to do to ourselves - cleanse, tone and moisturise.

I've never toned, I'm nearly 40, I've never toned

and my skin is still on my face, so it's obviously rubbish.

Hair removal is a whole subject all on its own, isn't it?

There's so many different ways, as women, that we can remove our hair -

you can wax, you can shave, you can pluck, you can epilate.

My sister had laser treatment to her underarms, laser treatment,

and it was quite painful and quite expensive.

And after two months the whole lot just grew back in,

which is terrible, but does go some way to explaining

why James Bond was always so nonchalant

when a laser was aimed at his cock and balls.

"Be champion, man, it will grow back in a couple of months."

I realise I made James Bond a Geordie.

I can only apologise for that.

SHE LAUGHS

He so would never be a Geordie, would he? "Shaken not stirred." No.

My friend said to me, "You know why women are supposed to have hair down there, don't you?"

And I said, "Is like your nose, so you don't get muck up it?"

She said, "No."

"Women are supposed to have hair down there

"so that nature knows where your reproductive bits are."

I said, "Why does nature need to know?"

Surely as long as me fella's got a rough idea...

Why do all the deers and the rabbits need to know?

Well, maybe the rabbits.

According to women's magazines,

there's only two options for hair down there for women.

The options are all off or most off.

Give us a cheer if you think all off is the way to go.

CHEERING

Give us a cheer if you think most off is the way to go.

CHEERING

Still quite a lot of you left, isn't there?

I can only assume that the rest of you are like me.

I just try to keep it in me pants.

APPLAUSE

Even if sometimes that involves tucking it in.

In the legs, not in the top.

My fella and I were both going to work a few weeks ago,

both fully dressed, just getting last-minute bits and bobs together.

And he was sitting at the kitchen table, putting his shoes on.

And I don't know why, but as I walked past him, I did a boob jiggle in his face.

I don't know, just one of those, like that.

I don't know why, he was at the right height,

it felt like a wasted opportunity if I didn't do it.

And I thought he'd do that thing,

when they go like that, brrrr, in-between.

It's got a special name, does anybody know?

-SHOUTING

-Motorboating, thank you,

because I always accidentally call it waterboarding.

It's only waterboarding if they're really sweaty.

That's what I thought he'd do, do that, brrrr, like that.

He didn't. He just stood up and did a boob jiggle back.

Now it's a thing that we do and I don't know how to stop it.

But we've lived together for about a year-and-a-half now.

When I lived on my own, I really loved it, don't get me wrong.

But one of the things I love about living with somebody else

is I like the unpredictability of it.

I like that every now and then a sentence comes out

that I would never have said.

The most recent one, out of nowhere, he just went...

"Your shed's no good to have a wank in."

And I said, "That's because it's a greenhouse, love."

I'm getting on a bit. I'm nearly 40. It doesn't worry me.

I'm not worried at all about getting older.

I know that there are problems along the way.

I know that it's not going to be easy.

One of my good friends is 62 and she said to me,

"There's something I need to tell you."

I said, "Oh, that sounds serious. Is it serious?" She said, "Well...

"I just don't want it to come as much of a surprise to you as it did to me."

I said, "OK, well, you better tell me what it is, then."

She said, "When you get to my age...down there...

"..instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour..."

I could have walked away, right then and there!

"Instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour,

"it's more of a...

"It's more of a slate grey."

It was the detail that I loved.

She didn't say "grey", she said "slate grey",

like she's had the Dulux colour chart out at it.

"Here, Terry, help us with this.

"Would you say that was thunder or slate?"

I was so horrified by what I'd just learned that I blurted out,

"You mean like when meat's on the turn?"

GROANING

"Does that smell all right to you?"

Be a few handbag mirrors coming out tonight on the way home, I reckon.

SHE GIGGLES

I've been with my fella now for nearly ten years.

When you first get together with somebody, the first six months,

especially if you have an inkling it might be long-term,

those first six months together are just glorious.

You think each other are perfect.

And then after six months, you think, well,

perfect's pushing it a bit.

There's a couple of things that could do with changing.

Then you've got a project, isn't it lovely having a project?

There's only one thing I'd like to change about my fella,

I need to tell you this first. I love waving, I don't know why.

I've always loved waving,

I love it when I wave and I love it when people wave back.

I'm going to wave to you now and see how many of you wave back.

Loads of you! Thank you very much, it makes me really happy

and it's one of the main reasons I learned to drive.

My fella doesn't wave. Doesn't occur to him in the slightest.

When we first got together, he dropped me off at the train station

and I got out the car, I said, "I'll see you on Monday."

He said, "Yeah, but I'll give you a ring when I get in tonight."

And then I just checked that I was at the right entrance

for the train station for my platform,

and I turned to give him a little wave goodbye.

And the car was already in the distance.

A few years later, I was going to Australia for the first time,

I was travelling alone, I was going to be away for six weeks,

I was very nervous, understandably. He dropped me off at the airport.

He helped me out of the boot...

With my case, sorry, that's bad, with my case, with my case.

And I said, "I'm going to miss you."

He said, "I'm going to miss you too, but you're going to have an amazing time.

"We can Skype whenever you like

"and I'll come and get you in six weeks on this very spot."

Melt, melt.

And I checked my handbag to make sure

I had my passport and my ticket,

and then I turned to give him a little wave goodbye

and I could not see the car.

He was already on the motorway.

So I said to him only a few weeks ago, "You know the waving thing?"

He said, "Did I forget to do it again? I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, but you know how much I love it?"

He said, "Yes, I know how much you love to wave."

I said, "I was wondering if there was a bargaining thing we could do."

He said, "I don't know what you mean."

I said, "For example, is there anything I don't do

"that you'd like me to start doing?"

Turns out I'm not as bothered about waving as I thought.

APPLAUSE

What a lovely audience you are tonight.

Are you ready for your first act?

-CHEERING

-Excellent.

Please give a lovely, warm Apollo welcome

to the very wonderful Mr Joe Lycett!

CHEERING

Wow!

Lovely.

Hello.

CHEERING

Hello, are you well?

CHEERING

Wonderful. This is my voice, this is actually happening, don't worry.

I know I sound slightly ludicrous.

I'm not a homosexual.

Thank you for laughing at that.

Any gays in?

SCATTERED CHEERS

There's a few.

Kill them! No...

You're not gay, in that shirt? Honestly?

No, I'm bisexual, which means you're all at risk.

We'll start with you and work round, that's what we're going to do.

No, as you can tell, I'm an absolute lad.

I was just backstage having a lager and punching a woman, I don't know.

Yeah, that's the thing to cheer, yeah!

That's what I came for, punching women gags.

I'm not very laddy at all.

I did something very unladdy recently in Birmingham.

I'm from Birmingham. You'd never tell, would you?

I never had the accent, I was born better, but I...

I'm joking.

I love it, I do love the accent when I hear it.

I was in Starbucks in Birmingham recently, cos I'm earning,

and these two... LAUGHTER

These two women were having a conversation

with the thickest Black Country accents

and the one said to the other,

"You still going to take the kids to the Middle East?"

And the other one said,

"Yeah, I'm going to take the babby to Abu Dhabi." Right...

I had to leave Starbucks, I was in so much pain laughing.

So, this is really unladdy,

I was in the Touchwood shopping centre,

which I think is the gayest name for a shopping centre, isn't it?

You can have a lovely time there.

These two, roughly 14-year-old lads tried to mug me.

They came up to me and went, "Give us your wallet." I went "No."

Then farted out of nervousness.

I was so terrified. Absolutely terrified.

I said, "What are you going to do if I don't give you my wallet?"

They were like, "We're going to head butt you."

They'd be lucky because they are about this high...

Also, the head butt is the worst threat ever.

Cos, sure, hit someone in the head - that is a weak point,

but what are you going to hit them with? My head.

That's like hitting someone in the balls with your balls, isn't it?

We might do that later, who knows?

I don't know where I got the confidence from,

but I just went, "I've got a knife."

I sort of did because I'd just been to Lakeland, so I did.

It wasn't a knife, it was a pizza wheel.

I didn't stab them, I cut them into eight neat slices. It was fine.

I mentioned farting there. I'm good at farting.

That's a masculine thing, isn't it? Are you good at farting, sir?

No? What's the longest one you've ever done?

Haven't timed it. Mine's 14 seconds...

which I think may be a medical emergency, I'm not sure.

Somebody asked me how did I know it was 14 seconds.

Genuinely, it was because I was watching Countdown at the time.

I'm not laddy, but I have a sort of naughty side.

I call it Walrus -

that's because my spirit animal is a walrus.

Don't worry, I don't believe in any of this nonsense.

I don't believe in ghosts or that.

I hate when people say they believe in ghosts.

They say things like, "I saw a ghost at the end of my bed."

It's always in a conveniently creepy place.

No-one ever goes, "I saw a ghost in Morrisons." It doesn't happen.

I was at this house party

and there was a spirit healer there called Janet.

She was so smug, she looked like she was constantly

pissing into a hot tub and getting away with it.

You know...

So smug.

She said, "I can tell you what your spirit animal is - it's a walrus."

"What do I do with this information, Janet?!"

It's useless.

She said, "Walrus will talk to you and tell you to do things.

"You should listen to that voice, that inner walrus."

I shouldn't listen to my inner voice cos it's normally things like,

"Kick that toddler!"

Just a stream of unacceptable things...

But she kept saying, "Listen to the voice."

She said, "I do normally charge for this service.

"It's normally £30, but as it's a party,

"I'll do it for half-price, 15."

I was like, "Walrus says you can piss off."

The next day I found this walrus ring online by chance...

after searching four hours for one.

Since I've been wearing it, friends of mine think it's changed me.

They think I go into myself at social occasions, going,

"What did you say, walrus? I couldn't possibly kill another prostitute."

You know, silly things.

I've noticed that walrus comes out with real jobsworths.

I don't know if you've got this in London.

In Birmingham we've an app where you can pay for parking on the app -

you don't have to buy a ticket. I tried it for first time.

You put the location code in, put the code in,

went into a nearby coffee shop,

just got my coffee and a parking enforcement officer was next

to my car. That's what they call themselves.

With his little computer and a pen on a string, in case he drops it.

Dickhead.

He was putting my details in.

I went out and said I had paid for parking. "Look, I've got a receipt on my phone.

"It was eight minutes ago."

He looked and went, "No, this location code is for Leeds."

I said, "Clearly I made a mistake."

He said, "Well, I don't know that, do I?"

I was like, "Yes, you do."

"Because if I am lying then what you're suggesting I have done is parked in Leeds

"and then driven 120 miles in eight minutes.

"That's what you're suggesting I've done."

"I've put into the computer now. You'll have to complain at the office -

"it's only five minutes down the road."

That's about three seconds in my hypercar!

Got to the office. Met sweaty Sharon. Oh, my God.

It was so hot in that office.

She looked like a bit of wet scrambled egg in a chair...

So annoyed with life. She had a thick Brummie accent as well.

She was talking to someone in the back office,

she was going, "Is that you making me a cup of tea, Steve?"

Then she looked at me and went, "The day I hear Steve making me

"a cup of tea is the day I hear a rocking horse do a plop."

That's the weirdest imagery I've ever heard, for a start.

I explained the situation to her, gave her the phone.

She looked at, looked at her computer, back to the phone.

She went, "This says Leeds."

"I know, Sharon, I put the wrong code in."

"You'll have to complain to the Leeds office."

"I've not been in Leeds, Sharon."

She looks again and she's like, "But how did you get here so quickly?

"You'd have had to break the speed limit."

I would have had to break the speed of sound, Sharon!

So annoyed, I said, "Is there anywhere else I can talk to about this?"

She said, "You could speak to Steve over there."

I decided not to speak to Steve for a number of reasons,

the main one being he was trying to eat a yoghurt with a pen lid.

I just didn't feel... LAUGHTER

..like he was competent. You get a sense sometimes, don't you?

So in the end I just had to leave. Paid the fine.

Still got it to this day. After I'd left, walrus was like, "You idiot.

"You could have done anything in there.

"You could've killed her.

"Got the perfect alibi.

"Where you when the murder happened?"

APPLAUSE

I was in Leeds.

I do it in shops as well. I went to Subway recently, Subway sandwiches.

Their slogan up until recently was "Where winners eat."

You only need to look at people in Subway...

..to know they have quite a fluid definition of the word winner.

Most of the people in there can't win custody of their own kids,

-so I don't know what they're winning.

-Ooh!

-Oh, some Subway fans in,

I can feel it.

I ordered a salad and a bottle of water,

and I got to the till and the girl said, "Oh, there's a deal on.

"If you get a cookie with this, the whole thing is cheaper

"than if you didn't have the cookie."

And I said, "Well, I don't want a cookie.

"I'm trying to be healthy, hence why I'm having a salad.

"So can I not have a cookie but still have the deal?"

And she went, "No, you have to have the cookie.

"Otherwise, when I count the cookies later, they're be a discrepancy."

That's a big word!

"I don't want this cookie. What am I going to do with this cookie?"

And she said, "Why don't you give it to somebody in the street?"

Who does that? "Do you want a cookie?" Are you mental?

I said, "I don't want this cookie. Do you want the cookie?"

She went, "Oh, are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

"Have the cookie."

She's like, "What sort of cookie would you like?"

"What sort of cookie would YOU like?!"

"I can't decide. You have to decide for me."

So I was now trying to guess. I was looking at the cookies.

"Do you like white chocolate chips?"

And she went, "No, I don't like white chocolate chips."

"Do you like M&Ms?"

She went, "Oh, yeah, I quite like M&Ms."

So I said, "I'll have an M&M cookie, please."

And she went, "Oh, good choice!"

And then she tried to give it to me.

I was like, "Why are you giving it to me?

"It's yours."

"Oh, you have to give it back to me as a gift - that's the law."

That's not a law!

And I got the cookie and I paid for it, and I held it in my hand...

and walrus looked up at me.

"She's wasted your time here."

So I ate the cookie in front of her.

APPLAUSE

Just in one go. "Ah!"

I checked the receipt when I got to the door as well - it was 50p more.

So I went back to her and said, "Why is it 50p more?" And she went,

"Oh, the M&M cookie isn't part of that deal."

Oh, right, this is one I did. This is beautifully simple.

You can do this as well. I'm so proud of this.

I went into Emporio Armani

with a Gregg's sausage roll. Watch the panic! Oh, my God.

Cos we all know the Gregg's sausage roll is one part pork

to 99 parts pastry dust, isn't it?

And the woman came up to me.

First thing she said was, "Don't make any sudden movements."

It's a pasty, not a bomb.

I said, "I'll eat it when I leave."

She said, "No, you must leave immediately.

"The smell will get into the fabric."

Smell doesn't transfer that quickly,

otherwise all of the clothes in Primark

would smell of broken dreams, wouldn't they?

I said, "I just want to look at the shirts."

She said, "Well, I'll look after that!"

So now my sausage roll had a legal guardian.

Put it in a creche with some steak bakes, I imagine.

And I was walking round, looking at the shirts, and she really hated me.

She had such a foul face on her.

I found a shirt that I liked and I took it to the counter

and she said, "Are you going to buy that?"

And I said yes. And she said, "Well, before I forget..."

And she got the sausage roll off the side,

but because she was angry, she did it too quickly.

And it spun out of the bag, literally spun, pissing flakes everywhere,

like a boomerang with psoriasis. All...

All over the shirt, all over me. She made a noise that was unusually low.

She went, "Muaaaahhh..."

I was in shock.

Looked down at the shirt, brushed the flakes off, inspected it,

and I just went, "The smell has got into the fabric",

and stormed out.

APPLAUSE

This has been a dream come true.

I've been Joe Lycett. Thank you so much.

Joe Lycett!

Your next act is a great comic and a lovely man.

Please go wild for Mr Russell Kane.

Hello. How are you doing, Apollo? Can't believe I am back again.

Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen, don't you love her?

This show is watched the world over,

so it's great for trying to explain British humour.

British people give me cheer...

CHEERING

Most of us. Who's not from the United Kingdom and Ireland, give me a cheer.

CHEERING

-Where are you from?

-Australia.

-Someone from Australia!

QUIET CHEERING

Now, I'm sorry, I haven't even begun yet. You see that lacklustre response?

-What's your name, mate?

-Nathan.

IMITATES: Nathan from Australia, ladies and gentlemen.

That's everything you need to know about the British attitude

to social mores, right there.

I was on stage in New York recently, tiny little club and went,

"Anyone from overseas?" There was someone from New Zealand.

The rest of the room, they went, "Oh, my God, New Zealand,

"you're most welcome, hooray."

SINGSONG VOICE: "Welcome to our club, someone from overseas is in the room,

"the energy is increased."

Right?

I come on, asking if there's anyone from overseas.

This gentleman goes, "I'm from Australia."

Most of the people in this room went, "Go on, Russ, smash his head in."

That's British humour.

The point is this...

The stereotype of us and Australia... Any Americans in? Give me a whoop.

The stereotype of the Brits is this, we're still really awkward

inward, shuffling along with our top hats, unable to express ourselves,

sexually repressed, boiling over at any moment.

That's true to a certain extent. Most of us spend our lives like that.

What we also let out is the other side of being British which is,

"Let's go fricking mental!"

And what's weird about us is there's nothing in-between, yeah?

Nearly every other culture in the world has an in-between gear. Not us.

Awkward silence or destruction.

Go abroad to a non-touristy part of Italy or Spain and experience

the shame as you walk through the town square on a Friday night.

What do you see? Families having drinks, civilised.

Nanas are out, children walking around.

"It's so safe in our town on a Friday night, hooray."

Couples wobbling. A little bit tipsy but not off their heads.

A paradise, ladies and gentlemen.

It couldn't be more different from Southend-on-Sea where I'm from,

where Donna is slashing into a drain while Gary films her and says,

"We'll put your minge on Instagram, babe. No filter. Look at that."

We don't have a medium.

Your Aussie there, he might go out on a Monday.

He'll have a few drinks on the Tuesday.

Maybe a get-together on Wednesday.

I'm not going to save up the whole week

and then detonate like a social psycho on the Saturday. Why would I?

Not us. Look at the face, nothing all week. I don't smile.

I'll have a cup of tea on Monday,

hot water on Wednesday, no food. A mint leaf on Thursday.

It's Saturday! Smash up a bus stop. Back to work on Monday.

We're like that sexually as well.

Could that be the reason we're so messed up as a culture sexually?

We're nothing and lots in that respect as well.

You could be a 38-year-old woman,

sat in an office, single, shitting yourself.

The cats are already licking their lips. "One day, we'll eat you.

"One day."

"Please, I don't want to die alone!"

38-year-old man sits opposite you. He's your dream man.

Graham, childless. He's not damaged from a previous relationship,

he just hasn't found lurve yet, ladies.

Average female reaction - I will look away.

I will not show interest.

I would rather die and be shat out into Catsan

than show him I'm interested. No, thank you.

I will not. It's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... It's Friday!

Fingered behind a skip, back to work on Monday.

Nothing or lots.

It starts early. Have we got any of our brilliant teachers in the room?

Give me a cheer. CHEERING

I think teachers are amazing. I think this country is amazing,

so why have we got the highest teenage pregnancy in Western Europe?

Why? I'll tell you why cos we teach sex education at 14 -

that's too late.

They teach it very young.

Scandinavian countries teach it at kindergarten

with fuzzy felt. "Look, my willy is a fuzzy felt, children.

"It goes in the mother, a baby is born, it's logical."

Right? But we'll not talk about sex. We'll not discuss it.

We'll teach it at 14, too late.

Those of you with kids will know.

Five and six-year-olds, they start asking. "Where do babies come from?"

That's the age we should be teaching it, don't you think?

You can draw a graph with the teenage pregnancy rate

and how early sex education is taught in a culture.

Therefore, we should be teaching it earlier.

Even Nick Clegg came out with this one.

He didn't speak it verbally, he's so far embedded in David Cameron's arse,

he had to tap it out with his foot.

Even Nick Clegg came out with, "We should teach sex at primary school."

A woman appeared in the news going, "It's disgusting.

"Absolutely vile that you could consider teaching sex to

"an eight-year-old girl. She's not thinking about sex.

"Why put the facts of sex into the head of the girl who's not

"thinking about sex?" Do you know what?

She's not thinking about maths or the Tudors either,

so let's not teach anyone anything and let's see how far we get.

Do you know what else is weird? You can spot British people on holiday.

You don't need to hear a football chant or see a newspaper,

or tattoo, you look across the pool, British. We move different.

We even move slightly tight. Look at the way the Aussie moves, he's loose.

He's moving every part of his body, the face is elastic,

shaking itself around everywhere.

Australian women actually orgasm like this... Wah-wah-wah...

Have you never noticed it? I can tell looking in the front row

who's English cos you're sat there, "Don't refer to me, please!"

Posh people actually look at the floor when they lose their temper.

"I won't be spoken to like that.

"I do think Mr Farage has a point about Polish people.

"You'll leave my driveway immediately, thank you very much."

Working-class people go backwards.

"Do not push me any further, mate. I will go...

"all the way to the floor."

Shrink.

Gesticulating from below the rib cage, how weird is that?

Every other culture in the world, move their faces.

We don't move this top part of our face.

Most of us, if we're posh, we don't move the top part of our face at all.

Working class people draw in the top lip, no need for it whatsoever.

Yeah? I don't even need my mouth to lose my temper.

Could that be the reason - and I think it is -

why we're so shit at second languages?

Again, you can't blame the teachers.

I don't think the people in this room are thick.

Most of us just die of crushing embarrassment

when we go to say a Spanish or French word.

Have you experienced that? You know the word but you can't do it.

You can't say "buenos dias". You felt like a tit. Right?

You're not thick. You're just trained to have a British face.

The correct way to say "buenos dias", as Spanish speakers will know

is not like this, "Buenos dias." It's like this, "Buenos dias!"

Look at how much of my face I am using.

"Buenos dias. Tiene usted papel higienico por favor?"

"Do you've any toilet paper, mate?"

You need that one on holiday.

Have you never had the app on the phone?

"I've got the app. I've got the phrasebook.

"I'm in Spain. I'm outside the supermercado.

"I've got five San Miguels in me.

"Watch and learn, lads. Watch and learn.

"I'm so London, I walk like a crab."

Into the shop... "I couldn't do it, I felt like a tit."

Of course you couldn't!

Most English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish people, we say hello like this.

"Hello, hello, hello, hello..."

We'd speak with horns if we could.

HONKING SOUNDS

Are there any French people in?

I love France.

It's one tiny country along and it's everything that we are not.

I mean, take any part of French culture. Wine, blank, CHEESE!

Cheese. British cheese, yeah. Look at the British cheese.

Refrigerated for at least 48 hours.

Double wrapped with a sell by date, foil, Clingfilm, foil.

You need a breadknife to cut through it.

Solid, British cheese, for solid, British people.

In the freezer, preferably, wallop!

Look at French cheese. "I've been out for 48 hours.

"I've turned into liquid.

"I smell slightly of..." APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

"I've been in so many men tonight.

"My name is Camembert."

To say I love you in almost any other language sounds amazing. Italian...

-What's your name, madam?

-Louisa.

-That ruins it.

I was going to say, "Ti amo, Louisa."

If I give an accent it's a bit better.

I'd like a Sambuca, per favore.

But it's "Ti amo".

Ti amo. How beautiful is that? It's so expressive.

Even if you didn't know that meant I love you, it matches my face.

An Italian man probably dislocates his jaw if he's enough in love.

"Ti amo.

"I won't rest until my love is accepted."

Can't be more different to how we declare our love in England.

"If you'd like to come to the conservatory please, Carole,

"I've got something to tell you. Thank you."

"I love you. Sorry, I'm sorry about that I've felt that way for some time."

That's how we have sex as well, Mr Australia.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, dear. Sorry, dear, sorry. Sorry, if it's inconvenient.

"Sorry if it hurts. Sorry. Daily Telegraph, sorry."

I know I'm making fun of us,

I'm shining a light on us culturally,

but there's something good about that. You're right to be sceptical.

There's something good about holding feelings in.

We don't need to let everything out. That's what made this country great.

We're supposed to be a bit weird, have wonky teeth,

wobbly bodies and then die on the dance floor in our 50s -

that's what got us this far!

We should be careful with Americanising our culture.

You poor ladies with all the stuff in your magazines.

"Everyone must have the same breasts. They must look the same.

"Be wild in bed for your man. Are you wild enough?

"You need to be like an American porn star or your man's going to leave.

"Are you like an American porn star? Are you filthy enough?

"Or he's going to leave you." What a lot of nonsense!

British ladies, nonsense!

Your only duty is to say, "Forgiven!" after "Sorry!" and nothing else!

I'm not having a go at the USA - I love the place.

The Americans, where are you? Any in my sight line?

Where are you from?

-Florida.

-She's from Florida.

Again, an awkward atmosphere straight afterwards.

She's one of the good ones. She has a passport. She's travelled. Relax.

She's not one of the "Horse shit!" She's not one of those, is she?

"I didn't mean to hurt her, Papa,

"but she was so purty I got carried away,

"and now she's not breathing none." She's not one of those, is she?

There's a problem when we try to be as expressive as you guys.

And loads of you with sons must be really nervous.

These boys growing up watching pornography.

I'm not going to get on my high horse and be all leftie about pornography.

We all watch it a bit, but it's surely got a damaging effect

if you're mainlining it into your head when you're 14.

You're going it grow up with a very warped perception

of what real, English sex is like. It's not like American porn sex.

It's not "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

"I'm such a dirty girl. Why have I been so naughty?"

No, thanks.

Not on this island.

How can we manage it in our tiny English houses?

"They've got foxes next door,

"the dirty bastards. Can you hear that?

"Sort your bins out!"

It's not just the girls. It's us boys as well.

Have you seen the state of men lately?

Just eating piles of chicken breast, injecting creatine.

What's happened to us? This pornography with these weird hulks.

I don't want to see some 18st guy,

pumping like a sewing machine in a power surge.

That doesn't make me feel good about myself.

And they talk during sex.

Can you think of anything less British, madam,

than talking during sex? The American men...

"Do you like that? Huh? "Do you like that, you dirty girl?

"Do you see what I'm doing?" "I see what you're doing, Brad."

"I bet you do, you dirty girl. Watch what I'm doing."

"I'm watching." "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "Yeah?"

Having a chat?! No, thanks.

Imagine if this English couple went home and tried that.

"Do you see what I'm doing to you, Carole?

"Do you see that, do you?"

"I see what you're doing, Gary. Get on with it.

"We're going to miss the Ocado van at this rate."

No, thanks. Not here. Not on this island.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening.

Keep supporting live comedy, keep watching live comedy.

I'm Russell Kane, thank you very much. Good night.

Russell Kane!

You've been an amazing audience.

Please show your appreciation for Joe Lycett, Russell Kane,

I've been Sarah Millican, good night.