Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


Episode 1

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Sarah Millican!

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CHEERING

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Hello! Good evening and welcome to Live At The Apollo!

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CHEERING

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Welcome to the show. How are you? Are you well?

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-CROWD:

-Yes!

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Excellent, good work. It's lovely to be here.

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It's a nice temperature in here, isn't it?

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It will get warmer as we go on.

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I respond in quite a peculiar way to the heat, I think...

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Mostly sort of here.

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LAUGHTER

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Down there gets what I would call "claggy."

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What would you call it?

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-WOMAN:

-Moist!

-Moist.

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Moist is a good one.

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When I did a show in Preston, a man shouted out, "No, no.

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"We call that 'ready'."

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And I had a lady say, "What you've got there is LDF."

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I said, "What does LDF stand for?"

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She said, "Long Day Fanny."

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But what I do when it gets...moist...

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is I just do a little plie.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not a massive ballet dancer, but if I was a ballet dancer,

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I'd clearly be a massive one.

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You only get a couple of seconds' relief

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cos it mostly just slicks back together.

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GROANING

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I did a show in Edinburgh

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and a lady right at the back shouted out, "You need to use some talc!"

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Surely that just forms a paste?

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But I do have... I've got a good relationship with my mum.

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You know, sometimes in comedy you laugh at things

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because it's familiar, it's a shared experience?

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Sometimes you laugh because you're just glad you're not me.

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Let's see if this has happened to anybody else.

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Whenever I'm on the phone to me mam, it always makes me need a poo.

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Give us a "whoo" if that's happened to you.

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-FEW IN CROWD:

-Whooo!

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See, I've looked into it, it's a closeness issue.

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It means that me and those people who whoo-ed,

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we love our mams more than the rest of you lot love yours.

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I love my mam so much, it makes me shit.

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Try getting that on a balloon for Mother's Day.

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Thank God for Moonpig.

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But I bought a house quite recently.

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I wanted to buy a house because I'd lived in flats for 16 years

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and I really missed going upstairs to bed.

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Not through the kitchen.

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UPSTAIRS to bed.

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I was sitting only a few months later, upstairs in bed,

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quite smugly, just thinking, "This is the life. I've arrived.

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"I'm upstairs in bed."

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And then I thought, "Oh, no, now I've got to go downstairs for food."

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What I really wanted... My parents have both always lived near a park

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and I'd always been able to see a tree out of my bedroom window,

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so that became a priority when I was house-hunting.

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I wanted to be able to see a tree out of my bedroom window.

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But it became very clear that I'm not massively suited

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to country living, having lived in the city centre for so long.

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I drove along a lovely country lane, lovely country lane,

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and I saw a white marquee tent and instead of thinking, "Ooh!

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"Somebody's having a lovely summer party."

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I just thought, "Ooh, someone's been murdered."

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I found a house that I liked, I got a survey done.

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The survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all.

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Luckily, I've got a friend who's a builder,

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he said, "Let me have a look and I'll put it into layman's terms."

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Smashing. Give us a cheer if you own your own home.

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CHEERING

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Give us a cheer if you rent.

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CHEERING

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Till now, I'd only ever rented.

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I think there are phrases that mean nothing to those of us who rent

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that the rest of you understand.

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My friend said, "There is one thing you will need."

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I said, "Oh, yeah, what's that?"

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He said, "You'll need a damp-proof course."

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And I genuinely said, "I haven't got time to go to college."

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One of the things that the house that I bought did have

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is a log burner. I've never had a log burner before,

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I got quite excited by the log burner.

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Not as excited as my fella did.

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"He went, "Oh, my God, we'll be able to get a toasting fork

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"and we'll be able to toast things!"

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And I thought, "He does know I've got a toaster, doesn't he?"

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He went to work, I went and bought a toasting fork, I was too excited.

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I came back, grabbed a loaf of bread and thought,

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"I'm going to sit in front and work my way through. Bloody love toast."

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Couldn't get it to work, so I rang him.

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He said, "How can it not work? It's fire and bread.

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"How can it not work?"

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So I told him what I'd been doing.

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Turns out I should have had the little door open.

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I might as well have been lying slices of bread

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on top of my radiator.

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But when I moved, I had bits and bobs of furniture, not much,

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but I had some and I was trying to work out what would best go where.

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I said to my fella, "I wish I had a tape measure."

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He said, "What do you need a tape measure for?"

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"I just want to know if that unit will fit in that alcove."

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He said, "I'll sort that out for you." "Have you got a tape measure?"

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He said, "No, I'm just good at that sort of thing.

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"What do you mean?" "It's just an instinct I've got."

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And first of all, I thought, rubbish.

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And then I thought, "Let's have a look."

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This is quite a manly thing to be able to do.

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If he can do this, maybe we'll see what else slots where.

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So I said, "Go on, then, do it."

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This is what he did, he went exactly like this.

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I said, "Is that it? You could have at least got your cock out

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"and done six inches, six inches, six inches."

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You know when you first move into somewhere new to you,

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you want to make a few changes so it feels a bit more like yours?

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One of the things I really wanted...

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My parents are both disabled and both getting on a bit in age.

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Something I thought would be useful

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for when they stayed would be a grab rail in the shower.

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I won't really notice it when I'm in the shower,

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but how useful for when they visit.

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So I got a grab rail fitted in the shower,

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and a month later, I had a friend round visiting,

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I was showing her round and I said,

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"Look, I've had a grab rail fitted in the shower."

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And she went like this.

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"Oooh! Saucy!"

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I said, "I don't know what you're talking about,

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"but I'm trying to keep pensioners upright."

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And I told my dad because I thought he'd find it funny.

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He went, "Nah, nah, for that sort of business, you need two of them."

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SHE RETCHES

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But I've got two cats. Have we got cat owners in?

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-CHEERING

-I've got two cats.

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I don't know if you've tried to litter-train a cat,

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it's straightforward. If they look like they're about to do something,

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you pick them up, plonk them in the litter tray, you hope for the best.

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But our first cat, Chief Brody,

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named after the police chief in the film Jaws,

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he didn't cotton on for a while, kept having little accidents, poor bugger.

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So, my fella and I were standing over the litter tray

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looking at it, looking at each other, going,

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"Is there anything we can be doing to help him that we're not?"

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And my fella, because he's so lovely,

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he looked down at the litter tray and he went,

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"Do you want me to do a shit in it to start him off?"

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No.

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No, I really don't.

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It would be end to end.

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GROANING

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And the cat would be like, "Who the hell lives here? Aslan?"

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I was in a cafe a few months ago with a friend of mine.

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She's the sort of person who prefers savoury over sweet.

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I don't really know why we're still friends, but...

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She's nice enough. She ordered a carrot cake

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and I always think carrot cake is such an abomination of a cake.

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It's got veg in it. Shut up!

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What you've got there is a rubbish pasty.

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She ordered carrot cake. I ordered a slice of strawberry cheesecake.

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On top of her carrot cake was some icing and then

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a sliver of something orange coloured for decoration, I suppose.

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I said to her, "Is that a bit of carrot?"

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Fair assumption, it being carrot cake.

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She had a nibble of it and she said, "No, it's not carrot."

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I said, "Is it orange, then?" She said, "No, it's not orange."

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So, well, I'm all out of orange coloured things.

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Unless it's the tail of a goldfish, I've got no idea.

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She had another nibble of it and she said, "I think it's apricot."

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I said, "I can't have apricot." "Why not?"

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I said, "I'm allergic to it."

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And she went, "Ooh! What happens to you?"

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And I went, "Ooh! I get the shits."

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She said, "Is it really bad?" I said, "Oh, yeah.

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-"It was like a chocolate fountain down there."

-GROANING

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She said, "Was that just off one?" "No, no. I had a bag of them."

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She said, "How many was in the bag?"

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"I don't know. Maybe 40?"

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And it was only then I realised I'm not allergic to apricots.

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I'm allergic to 40 apricots.

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But I stopped buying women's magazines a few months ago -

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just feels like there's nothing in there for me.

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Why would I buy anything where the only time I ever see anybody

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who looks a bit like me is underneath the word "before"?

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APPLAUSE

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You know, there's a huge list of all the things that we, as women,

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are supposed to do to ourselves - cleanse, tone and moisturise.

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I've never toned, I'm nearly 40, I've never toned

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and my skin is still on my face, so it's obviously rubbish.

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Hair removal is a whole subject all on its own, isn't it?

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There's so many different ways, as women, that we can remove our hair -

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you can wax, you can shave, you can pluck, you can epilate.

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My sister had laser treatment to her underarms, laser treatment,

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and it was quite painful and quite expensive.

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And after two months the whole lot just grew back in,

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which is terrible, but does go some way to explaining

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why James Bond was always so nonchalant

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when a laser was aimed at his cock and balls.

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"Be champion, man, it will grow back in a couple of months."

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I realise I made James Bond a Geordie.

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I can only apologise for that.

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SHE LAUGHS

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He so would never be a Geordie, would he? "Shaken not stirred." No.

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My friend said to me, "You know why women are supposed to have hair down there, don't you?"

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And I said, "Is like your nose, so you don't get muck up it?"

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She said, "No."

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"Women are supposed to have hair down there

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"so that nature knows where your reproductive bits are."

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I said, "Why does nature need to know?"

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Surely as long as me fella's got a rough idea...

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Why do all the deers and the rabbits need to know?

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Well, maybe the rabbits.

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According to women's magazines,

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there's only two options for hair down there for women.

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The options are all off or most off.

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Give us a cheer if you think all off is the way to go.

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CHEERING

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Give us a cheer if you think most off is the way to go.

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CHEERING

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Still quite a lot of you left, isn't there?

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I can only assume that the rest of you are like me.

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I just try to keep it in me pants.

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APPLAUSE

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Even if sometimes that involves tucking it in.

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In the legs, not in the top.

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My fella and I were both going to work a few weeks ago,

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both fully dressed, just getting last-minute bits and bobs together.

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And he was sitting at the kitchen table, putting his shoes on.

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And I don't know why, but as I walked past him, I did a boob jiggle in his face.

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I don't know, just one of those, like that.

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I don't know why, he was at the right height,

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it felt like a wasted opportunity if I didn't do it.

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And I thought he'd do that thing,

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when they go like that, brrrr, in-between.

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It's got a special name, does anybody know?

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-SHOUTING

-Motorboating, thank you,

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because I always accidentally call it waterboarding.

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It's only waterboarding if they're really sweaty.

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That's what I thought he'd do, do that, brrrr, like that.

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He didn't. He just stood up and did a boob jiggle back.

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Now it's a thing that we do and I don't know how to stop it.

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But we've lived together for about a year-and-a-half now.

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When I lived on my own, I really loved it, don't get me wrong.

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But one of the things I love about living with somebody else

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is I like the unpredictability of it.

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I like that every now and then a sentence comes out

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that I would never have said.

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The most recent one, out of nowhere, he just went...

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"Your shed's no good to have a wank in."

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And I said, "That's because it's a greenhouse, love."

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I'm getting on a bit. I'm nearly 40. It doesn't worry me.

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I'm not worried at all about getting older.

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I know that there are problems along the way.

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I know that it's not going to be easy.

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One of my good friends is 62 and she said to me,

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"There's something I need to tell you."

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I said, "Oh, that sounds serious. Is it serious?" She said, "Well...

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"I just don't want it to come as much of a surprise to you as it did to me."

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I said, "OK, well, you better tell me what it is, then."

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She said, "When you get to my age...down there...

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"..instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour..."

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I could have walked away, right then and there!

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"Instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour,

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"it's more of a...

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"It's more of a slate grey."

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It was the detail that I loved.

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She didn't say "grey", she said "slate grey",

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like she's had the Dulux colour chart out at it.

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"Here, Terry, help us with this.

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"Would you say that was thunder or slate?"

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I was so horrified by what I'd just learned that I blurted out,

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"You mean like when meat's on the turn?"

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GROANING

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"Does that smell all right to you?"

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Be a few handbag mirrors coming out tonight on the way home, I reckon.

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SHE GIGGLES

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I've been with my fella now for nearly ten years.

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When you first get together with somebody, the first six months,

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especially if you have an inkling it might be long-term,

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those first six months together are just glorious.

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You think each other are perfect.

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And then after six months, you think, well,

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perfect's pushing it a bit.

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There's a couple of things that could do with changing.

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Then you've got a project, isn't it lovely having a project?

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There's only one thing I'd like to change about my fella,

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I need to tell you this first. I love waving, I don't know why.

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I've always loved waving,

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I love it when I wave and I love it when people wave back.

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I'm going to wave to you now and see how many of you wave back.

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Loads of you! Thank you very much, it makes me really happy

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and it's one of the main reasons I learned to drive.

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My fella doesn't wave. Doesn't occur to him in the slightest.

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When we first got together, he dropped me off at the train station

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and I got out the car, I said, "I'll see you on Monday."

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He said, "Yeah, but I'll give you a ring when I get in tonight."

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And then I just checked that I was at the right entrance

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for the train station for my platform,

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and I turned to give him a little wave goodbye.

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And the car was already in the distance.

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A few years later, I was going to Australia for the first time,

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I was travelling alone, I was going to be away for six weeks,

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I was very nervous, understandably. He dropped me off at the airport.

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He helped me out of the boot...

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With my case, sorry, that's bad, with my case, with my case.

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And I said, "I'm going to miss you."

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He said, "I'm going to miss you too, but you're going to have an amazing time.

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"We can Skype whenever you like

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"and I'll come and get you in six weeks on this very spot."

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Melt, melt.

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And I checked my handbag to make sure

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I had my passport and my ticket,

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and then I turned to give him a little wave goodbye

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and I could not see the car.

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He was already on the motorway.

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So I said to him only a few weeks ago, "You know the waving thing?"

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He said, "Did I forget to do it again? I'm sorry."

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"Don't worry, but you know how much I love it?"

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He said, "Yes, I know how much you love to wave."

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I said, "I was wondering if there was a bargaining thing we could do."

0:16:250:16:29

He said, "I don't know what you mean."

0:16:290:16:31

I said, "For example, is there anything I don't do

0:16:310:16:33

"that you'd like me to start doing?"

0:16:330:16:35

Turns out I'm not as bothered about waving as I thought.

0:16:400:16:42

APPLAUSE

0:16:450:16:47

What a lovely audience you are tonight.

0:16:510:16:53

Are you ready for your first act?

0:16:530:16:55

-CHEERING

-Excellent.

0:16:550:16:57

Please give a lovely, warm Apollo welcome

0:16:570:16:59

to the very wonderful Mr Joe Lycett!

0:16:590:17:01

CHEERING

0:17:010:17:04

Wow!

0:17:110:17:12

Lovely.

0:17:120:17:14

Hello.

0:17:140:17:15

CHEERING

0:17:150:17:17

Hello, are you well?

0:17:170:17:18

CHEERING

0:17:180:17:20

Wonderful. This is my voice, this is actually happening, don't worry.

0:17:200:17:23

I know I sound slightly ludicrous.

0:17:250:17:27

I'm not a homosexual.

0:17:270:17:29

Thank you for laughing at that.

0:17:310:17:33

Any gays in?

0:17:340:17:35

SCATTERED CHEERS

0:17:350:17:37

There's a few.

0:17:370:17:38

Kill them! No...

0:17:380:17:40

You're not gay, in that shirt? Honestly?

0:17:480:17:50

No, I'm bisexual, which means you're all at risk.

0:17:520:17:55

We'll start with you and work round, that's what we're going to do.

0:17:560:18:00

No, as you can tell, I'm an absolute lad.

0:18:000:18:03

I was just backstage having a lager and punching a woman, I don't know.

0:18:080:18:12

Yeah, that's the thing to cheer, yeah!

0:18:170:18:20

That's what I came for, punching women gags.

0:18:200:18:23

I'm not very laddy at all.

0:18:230:18:24

I did something very unladdy recently in Birmingham.

0:18:240:18:26

I'm from Birmingham. You'd never tell, would you?

0:18:260:18:29

I never had the accent, I was born better, but I...

0:18:290:18:32

I'm joking.

0:18:350:18:36

I love it, I do love the accent when I hear it.

0:18:380:18:40

I was in Starbucks in Birmingham recently, cos I'm earning,

0:18:400:18:43

and these two... LAUGHTER

0:18:430:18:45

These two women were having a conversation

0:18:450:18:47

with the thickest Black Country accents

0:18:470:18:49

and the one said to the other,

0:18:490:18:50

"You still going to take the kids to the Middle East?"

0:18:500:18:53

And the other one said,

0:18:530:18:54

"Yeah, I'm going to take the babby to Abu Dhabi." Right...

0:18:540:18:57

I had to leave Starbucks, I was in so much pain laughing.

0:19:000:19:03

So, this is really unladdy,

0:19:040:19:06

I was in the Touchwood shopping centre,

0:19:060:19:08

which I think is the gayest name for a shopping centre, isn't it?

0:19:080:19:12

You can have a lovely time there.

0:19:120:19:14

These two, roughly 14-year-old lads tried to mug me.

0:19:160:19:20

They came up to me and went, "Give us your wallet." I went "No."

0:19:200:19:23

Then farted out of nervousness.

0:19:250:19:26

I was so terrified. Absolutely terrified.

0:19:290:19:31

I said, "What are you going to do if I don't give you my wallet?"

0:19:340:19:37

They were like, "We're going to head butt you."

0:19:370:19:39

They'd be lucky because they are about this high...

0:19:390:19:42

Also, the head butt is the worst threat ever.

0:19:420:19:45

Cos, sure, hit someone in the head - that is a weak point,

0:19:450:19:48

but what are you going to hit them with? My head.

0:19:480:19:50

That's like hitting someone in the balls with your balls, isn't it?

0:19:500:19:55

We might do that later, who knows?

0:19:550:19:57

I don't know where I got the confidence from,

0:20:010:20:03

but I just went, "I've got a knife."

0:20:030:20:05

I sort of did because I'd just been to Lakeland, so I did.

0:20:080:20:10

It wasn't a knife, it was a pizza wheel.

0:20:110:20:14

I didn't stab them, I cut them into eight neat slices. It was fine.

0:20:180:20:22

I mentioned farting there. I'm good at farting.

0:20:230:20:25

That's a masculine thing, isn't it? Are you good at farting, sir?

0:20:250:20:28

No? What's the longest one you've ever done?

0:20:280:20:31

Haven't timed it. Mine's 14 seconds...

0:20:310:20:35

which I think may be a medical emergency, I'm not sure.

0:20:350:20:37

Somebody asked me how did I know it was 14 seconds.

0:20:390:20:41

Genuinely, it was because I was watching Countdown at the time.

0:20:410:20:44

I'm not laddy, but I have a sort of naughty side.

0:20:500:20:53

I call it Walrus -

0:20:530:20:54

that's because my spirit animal is a walrus.

0:20:540:20:58

Don't worry, I don't believe in any of this nonsense.

0:20:580:21:01

I don't believe in ghosts or that.

0:21:010:21:02

I hate when people say they believe in ghosts.

0:21:020:21:04

They say things like, "I saw a ghost at the end of my bed."

0:21:040:21:08

It's always in a conveniently creepy place.

0:21:080:21:11

No-one ever goes, "I saw a ghost in Morrisons." It doesn't happen.

0:21:110:21:14

I was at this house party

0:21:190:21:21

and there was a spirit healer there called Janet.

0:21:210:21:24

She was so smug, she looked like she was constantly

0:21:240:21:27

pissing into a hot tub and getting away with it.

0:21:270:21:29

You know...

0:21:290:21:31

So smug.

0:21:330:21:34

She said, "I can tell you what your spirit animal is - it's a walrus."

0:21:370:21:41

"What do I do with this information, Janet?!"

0:21:410:21:44

It's useless.

0:21:440:21:46

She said, "Walrus will talk to you and tell you to do things.

0:21:460:21:49

"You should listen to that voice, that inner walrus."

0:21:490:21:52

I shouldn't listen to my inner voice cos it's normally things like,

0:21:520:21:55

"Kick that toddler!"

0:21:550:21:58

Just a stream of unacceptable things...

0:21:580:22:01

But she kept saying, "Listen to the voice."

0:22:020:22:04

She said, "I do normally charge for this service.

0:22:040:22:07

"It's normally £30, but as it's a party,

0:22:070:22:10

"I'll do it for half-price, 15."

0:22:100:22:12

I was like, "Walrus says you can piss off."

0:22:120:22:15

The next day I found this walrus ring online by chance...

0:22:180:22:21

after searching four hours for one.

0:22:210:22:24

Since I've been wearing it, friends of mine think it's changed me.

0:22:250:22:28

They think I go into myself at social occasions, going,

0:22:280:22:31

"What did you say, walrus? I couldn't possibly kill another prostitute."

0:22:310:22:36

You know, silly things.

0:22:360:22:37

I've noticed that walrus comes out with real jobsworths.

0:22:390:22:42

I don't know if you've got this in London.

0:22:420:22:44

In Birmingham we've an app where you can pay for parking on the app -

0:22:440:22:47

you don't have to buy a ticket. I tried it for first time.

0:22:470:22:49

You put the location code in, put the code in,

0:22:490:22:52

went into a nearby coffee shop,

0:22:520:22:53

just got my coffee and a parking enforcement officer was next

0:22:530:22:56

to my car. That's what they call themselves.

0:22:560:22:58

With his little computer and a pen on a string, in case he drops it.

0:22:580:23:01

Dickhead.

0:23:010:23:03

He was putting my details in.

0:23:050:23:06

I went out and said I had paid for parking. "Look, I've got a receipt on my phone.

0:23:060:23:10

"It was eight minutes ago."

0:23:100:23:11

He looked and went, "No, this location code is for Leeds."

0:23:110:23:15

I said, "Clearly I made a mistake."

0:23:150:23:18

He said, "Well, I don't know that, do I?"

0:23:180:23:21

I was like, "Yes, you do."

0:23:210:23:24

"Because if I am lying then what you're suggesting I have done is parked in Leeds

0:23:240:23:31

"and then driven 120 miles in eight minutes.

0:23:310:23:35

"That's what you're suggesting I've done."

0:23:350:23:38

"I've put into the computer now. You'll have to complain at the office -

0:23:400:23:43

"it's only five minutes down the road."

0:23:430:23:45

That's about three seconds in my hypercar!

0:23:450:23:48

Got to the office. Met sweaty Sharon. Oh, my God.

0:23:510:23:55

It was so hot in that office.

0:23:550:23:56

She looked like a bit of wet scrambled egg in a chair...

0:23:560:24:00

So annoyed with life. She had a thick Brummie accent as well.

0:24:000:24:04

She was talking to someone in the back office,

0:24:040:24:06

she was going, "Is that you making me a cup of tea, Steve?"

0:24:060:24:09

Then she looked at me and went, "The day I hear Steve making me

0:24:090:24:12

"a cup of tea is the day I hear a rocking horse do a plop."

0:24:120:24:15

That's the weirdest imagery I've ever heard, for a start.

0:24:160:24:20

I explained the situation to her, gave her the phone.

0:24:200:24:23

She looked at, looked at her computer, back to the phone.

0:24:230:24:26

She went, "This says Leeds."

0:24:260:24:28

"I know, Sharon, I put the wrong code in."

0:24:280:24:31

"You'll have to complain to the Leeds office."

0:24:320:24:35

"I've not been in Leeds, Sharon."

0:24:350:24:38

She looks again and she's like, "But how did you get here so quickly?

0:24:380:24:41

"You'd have had to break the speed limit."

0:24:450:24:48

I would have had to break the speed of sound, Sharon!

0:24:480:24:51

So annoyed, I said, "Is there anywhere else I can talk to about this?"

0:24:520:24:56

She said, "You could speak to Steve over there."

0:24:560:24:58

I decided not to speak to Steve for a number of reasons,

0:24:580:25:00

the main one being he was trying to eat a yoghurt with a pen lid.

0:25:000:25:03

I just didn't feel... LAUGHTER

0:25:030:25:05

..like he was competent. You get a sense sometimes, don't you?

0:25:050:25:10

So in the end I just had to leave. Paid the fine.

0:25:100:25:12

Still got it to this day. After I'd left, walrus was like, "You idiot.

0:25:120:25:16

"You could have done anything in there.

0:25:160:25:18

"You could've killed her.

0:25:180:25:21

"Got the perfect alibi.

0:25:210:25:22

"Where you when the murder happened?"

0:25:220:25:25

APPLAUSE

0:25:250:25:28

I was in Leeds.

0:25:340:25:36

I do it in shops as well. I went to Subway recently, Subway sandwiches.

0:25:380:25:42

Their slogan up until recently was "Where winners eat."

0:25:420:25:46

You only need to look at people in Subway...

0:25:460:25:48

..to know they have quite a fluid definition of the word winner.

0:25:500:25:53

Most of the people in there can't win custody of their own kids,

0:25:530:25:56

-so I don't know what they're winning.

-Ooh!

-Oh, some Subway fans in,

0:25:560:25:59

I can feel it.

0:25:590:26:00

I ordered a salad and a bottle of water,

0:26:020:26:04

and I got to the till and the girl said, "Oh, there's a deal on.

0:26:040:26:08

"If you get a cookie with this, the whole thing is cheaper

0:26:080:26:11

"than if you didn't have the cookie."

0:26:110:26:13

And I said, "Well, I don't want a cookie.

0:26:130:26:15

"I'm trying to be healthy, hence why I'm having a salad.

0:26:150:26:17

"So can I not have a cookie but still have the deal?"

0:26:170:26:20

And she went, "No, you have to have the cookie.

0:26:200:26:22

"Otherwise, when I count the cookies later, they're be a discrepancy."

0:26:240:26:27

That's a big word!

0:26:280:26:29

"I don't want this cookie. What am I going to do with this cookie?"

0:26:320:26:35

And she said, "Why don't you give it to somebody in the street?"

0:26:350:26:39

Who does that? "Do you want a cookie?" Are you mental?

0:26:390:26:41

I said, "I don't want this cookie. Do you want the cookie?"

0:26:460:26:48

She went, "Oh, are you sure?"

0:26:480:26:50

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

0:26:520:26:56

"Have the cookie."

0:26:560:26:58

She's like, "What sort of cookie would you like?"

0:26:580:27:01

"What sort of cookie would YOU like?!"

0:27:010:27:03

"I can't decide. You have to decide for me."

0:27:060:27:08

So I was now trying to guess. I was looking at the cookies.

0:27:080:27:10

"Do you like white chocolate chips?"

0:27:100:27:12

And she went, "No, I don't like white chocolate chips."

0:27:120:27:15

"Do you like M&Ms?"

0:27:150:27:16

She went, "Oh, yeah, I quite like M&Ms."

0:27:160:27:18

So I said, "I'll have an M&M cookie, please."

0:27:180:27:21

And she went, "Oh, good choice!"

0:27:210:27:22

And then she tried to give it to me.

0:27:240:27:26

I was like, "Why are you giving it to me?

0:27:260:27:28

"It's yours."

0:27:280:27:29

"Oh, you have to give it back to me as a gift - that's the law."

0:27:290:27:32

That's not a law!

0:27:320:27:33

And I got the cookie and I paid for it, and I held it in my hand...

0:27:360:27:40

and walrus looked up at me.

0:27:400:27:41

"She's wasted your time here."

0:27:420:27:44

So I ate the cookie in front of her.

0:27:460:27:48

APPLAUSE

0:27:480:27:50

Just in one go. "Ah!"

0:27:540:27:55

I checked the receipt when I got to the door as well - it was 50p more.

0:27:550:27:58

So I went back to her and said, "Why is it 50p more?" And she went,

0:27:580:28:01

"Oh, the M&M cookie isn't part of that deal."

0:28:010:28:03

Oh, right, this is one I did. This is beautifully simple.

0:28:100:28:13

You can do this as well. I'm so proud of this.

0:28:130:28:16

I went into Emporio Armani

0:28:160:28:18

with a Gregg's sausage roll. Watch the panic! Oh, my God.

0:28:180:28:21

Cos we all know the Gregg's sausage roll is one part pork

0:28:250:28:28

to 99 parts pastry dust, isn't it?

0:28:280:28:30

And the woman came up to me.

0:28:320:28:33

First thing she said was, "Don't make any sudden movements."

0:28:330:28:36

It's a pasty, not a bomb.

0:28:360:28:38

I said, "I'll eat it when I leave."

0:28:390:28:41

She said, "No, you must leave immediately.

0:28:410:28:42

"The smell will get into the fabric."

0:28:420:28:45

Smell doesn't transfer that quickly,

0:28:450:28:47

otherwise all of the clothes in Primark

0:28:470:28:49

would smell of broken dreams, wouldn't they?

0:28:490:28:51

I said, "I just want to look at the shirts."

0:28:580:28:59

She said, "Well, I'll look after that!"

0:28:590:29:01

So now my sausage roll had a legal guardian.

0:29:010:29:04

Put it in a creche with some steak bakes, I imagine.

0:29:040:29:07

And I was walking round, looking at the shirts, and she really hated me.

0:29:090:29:12

She had such a foul face on her.

0:29:120:29:13

I found a shirt that I liked and I took it to the counter

0:29:220:29:25

and she said, "Are you going to buy that?"

0:29:250:29:27

And I said yes. And she said, "Well, before I forget..."

0:29:270:29:30

And she got the sausage roll off the side,

0:29:300:29:32

but because she was angry, she did it too quickly.

0:29:320:29:34

And it spun out of the bag, literally spun, pissing flakes everywhere,

0:29:340:29:39

like a boomerang with psoriasis. All...

0:29:390:29:42

All over the shirt, all over me. She made a noise that was unusually low.

0:29:440:29:47

She went, "Muaaaahhh..."

0:29:470:29:49

I was in shock.

0:29:510:29:52

Looked down at the shirt, brushed the flakes off, inspected it,

0:29:520:29:55

and I just went, "The smell has got into the fabric",

0:29:550:29:57

and stormed out.

0:29:570:30:00

APPLAUSE

0:30:000:30:01

This has been a dream come true.

0:30:030:30:05

I've been Joe Lycett. Thank you so much.

0:30:050:30:06

Joe Lycett!

0:30:120:30:14

Your next act is a great comic and a lovely man.

0:30:190:30:22

Please go wild for Mr Russell Kane.

0:30:220:30:24

Hello. How are you doing, Apollo? Can't believe I am back again.

0:30:370:30:40

Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen, don't you love her?

0:30:400:30:44

This show is watched the world over,

0:30:440:30:46

so it's great for trying to explain British humour.

0:30:460:30:48

British people give me cheer...

0:30:480:30:50

CHEERING

0:30:500:30:52

Most of us. Who's not from the United Kingdom and Ireland, give me a cheer.

0:30:520:30:55

CHEERING

0:30:550:30:57

-Where are you from?

-Australia.

-Someone from Australia!

0:30:570:31:00

QUIET CHEERING

0:31:000:31:02

Now, I'm sorry, I haven't even begun yet. You see that lacklustre response?

0:31:020:31:06

-What's your name, mate?

-Nathan.

0:31:060:31:08

IMITATES: Nathan from Australia, ladies and gentlemen.

0:31:080:31:10

That's everything you need to know about the British attitude

0:31:100:31:14

to social mores, right there.

0:31:140:31:15

I was on stage in New York recently, tiny little club and went,

0:31:150:31:18

"Anyone from overseas?" There was someone from New Zealand.

0:31:180:31:21

The rest of the room, they went, "Oh, my God, New Zealand,

0:31:210:31:24

"you're most welcome, hooray."

0:31:240:31:26

SINGSONG VOICE: "Welcome to our club, someone from overseas is in the room,

0:31:260:31:29

"the energy is increased."

0:31:290:31:31

Right?

0:31:310:31:33

I come on, asking if there's anyone from overseas.

0:31:330:31:35

This gentleman goes, "I'm from Australia."

0:31:350:31:37

Most of the people in this room went, "Go on, Russ, smash his head in."

0:31:370:31:41

That's British humour.

0:31:420:31:44

The point is this...

0:31:440:31:45

The stereotype of us and Australia... Any Americans in? Give me a whoop.

0:31:450:31:49

The stereotype of the Brits is this, we're still really awkward

0:31:490:31:52

inward, shuffling along with our top hats, unable to express ourselves,

0:31:520:31:55

sexually repressed, boiling over at any moment.

0:31:550:31:57

That's true to a certain extent. Most of us spend our lives like that.

0:31:570:32:01

What we also let out is the other side of being British which is,

0:32:010:32:04

"Let's go fricking mental!"

0:32:040:32:06

And what's weird about us is there's nothing in-between, yeah?

0:32:060:32:10

Nearly every other culture in the world has an in-between gear. Not us.

0:32:100:32:13

Awkward silence or destruction.

0:32:130:32:15

Go abroad to a non-touristy part of Italy or Spain and experience

0:32:170:32:22

the shame as you walk through the town square on a Friday night.

0:32:220:32:26

What do you see? Families having drinks, civilised.

0:32:260:32:29

Nanas are out, children walking around.

0:32:290:32:31

"It's so safe in our town on a Friday night, hooray."

0:32:310:32:34

Couples wobbling. A little bit tipsy but not off their heads.

0:32:340:32:36

A paradise, ladies and gentlemen.

0:32:360:32:38

It couldn't be more different from Southend-on-Sea where I'm from,

0:32:380:32:41

where Donna is slashing into a drain while Gary films her and says,

0:32:410:32:45

"We'll put your minge on Instagram, babe. No filter. Look at that."

0:32:450:32:49

We don't have a medium.

0:32:510:32:53

Your Aussie there, he might go out on a Monday.

0:32:530:32:56

He'll have a few drinks on the Tuesday.

0:32:560:32:58

Maybe a get-together on Wednesday.

0:32:580:33:00

I'm not going to save up the whole week

0:33:000:33:02

and then detonate like a social psycho on the Saturday. Why would I?

0:33:020:33:05

Not us. Look at the face, nothing all week. I don't smile.

0:33:050:33:09

I'll have a cup of tea on Monday,

0:33:090:33:10

hot water on Wednesday, no food. A mint leaf on Thursday.

0:33:100:33:14

It's Saturday! Smash up a bus stop. Back to work on Monday.

0:33:140:33:17

We're like that sexually as well.

0:33:260:33:28

Could that be the reason we're so messed up as a culture sexually?

0:33:280:33:32

We're nothing and lots in that respect as well.

0:33:320:33:34

You could be a 38-year-old woman,

0:33:340:33:36

sat in an office, single, shitting yourself.

0:33:360:33:38

The cats are already licking their lips. "One day, we'll eat you.

0:33:380:33:41

"One day."

0:33:410:33:42

"Please, I don't want to die alone!"

0:33:420:33:44

38-year-old man sits opposite you. He's your dream man.

0:33:440:33:46

Graham, childless. He's not damaged from a previous relationship,

0:33:460:33:49

he just hasn't found lurve yet, ladies.

0:33:490:33:51

Average female reaction - I will look away.

0:33:530:33:54

I will not show interest.

0:33:540:33:56

I would rather die and be shat out into Catsan

0:33:560:33:58

than show him I'm interested. No, thank you.

0:33:580:34:00

I will not. It's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... It's Friday!

0:34:000:34:02

Fingered behind a skip, back to work on Monday.

0:34:020:34:04

Nothing or lots.

0:34:100:34:12

It starts early. Have we got any of our brilliant teachers in the room?

0:34:120:34:15

Give me a cheer. CHEERING

0:34:150:34:17

I think teachers are amazing. I think this country is amazing,

0:34:170:34:20

so why have we got the highest teenage pregnancy in Western Europe?

0:34:200:34:24

Why? I'll tell you why cos we teach sex education at 14 -

0:34:240:34:27

that's too late.

0:34:270:34:28

They teach it very young.

0:34:280:34:30

Scandinavian countries teach it at kindergarten

0:34:300:34:32

with fuzzy felt. "Look, my willy is a fuzzy felt, children.

0:34:320:34:34

"It goes in the mother, a baby is born, it's logical."

0:34:340:34:37

Right? But we'll not talk about sex. We'll not discuss it.

0:34:370:34:40

We'll teach it at 14, too late.

0:34:400:34:42

Those of you with kids will know.

0:34:420:34:44

Five and six-year-olds, they start asking. "Where do babies come from?"

0:34:440:34:47

That's the age we should be teaching it, don't you think?

0:34:470:34:49

You can draw a graph with the teenage pregnancy rate

0:34:490:34:52

and how early sex education is taught in a culture.

0:34:520:34:55

Therefore, we should be teaching it earlier.

0:34:550:34:58

Even Nick Clegg came out with this one.

0:34:580:35:00

He didn't speak it verbally, he's so far embedded in David Cameron's arse,

0:35:000:35:03

he had to tap it out with his foot.

0:35:030:35:06

Even Nick Clegg came out with, "We should teach sex at primary school."

0:35:080:35:11

A woman appeared in the news going, "It's disgusting.

0:35:110:35:14

"Absolutely vile that you could consider teaching sex to

0:35:140:35:17

"an eight-year-old girl. She's not thinking about sex.

0:35:170:35:20

"Why put the facts of sex into the head of the girl who's not

0:35:200:35:22

"thinking about sex?" Do you know what?

0:35:220:35:24

She's not thinking about maths or the Tudors either,

0:35:240:35:26

so let's not teach anyone anything and let's see how far we get.

0:35:260:35:31

Do you know what else is weird? You can spot British people on holiday.

0:35:340:35:38

You don't need to hear a football chant or see a newspaper,

0:35:380:35:41

or tattoo, you look across the pool, British. We move different.

0:35:410:35:45

We even move slightly tight. Look at the way the Aussie moves, he's loose.

0:35:450:35:48

He's moving every part of his body, the face is elastic,

0:35:480:35:51

shaking itself around everywhere.

0:35:510:35:54

Australian women actually orgasm like this... Wah-wah-wah...

0:35:540:35:57

Have you never noticed it? I can tell looking in the front row

0:36:010:36:03

who's English cos you're sat there, "Don't refer to me, please!"

0:36:030:36:06

Posh people actually look at the floor when they lose their temper.

0:36:060:36:09

"I won't be spoken to like that.

0:36:090:36:11

"I do think Mr Farage has a point about Polish people.

0:36:110:36:13

"You'll leave my driveway immediately, thank you very much."

0:36:130:36:16

Working-class people go backwards.

0:36:170:36:19

"Do not push me any further, mate. I will go...

0:36:190:36:22

"all the way to the floor."

0:36:220:36:23

Shrink.

0:36:250:36:27

Gesticulating from below the rib cage, how weird is that?

0:36:270:36:29

Every other culture in the world, move their faces.

0:36:290:36:32

We don't move this top part of our face.

0:36:320:36:34

Most of us, if we're posh, we don't move the top part of our face at all.

0:36:340:36:36

Working class people draw in the top lip, no need for it whatsoever.

0:36:360:36:41

Yeah? I don't even need my mouth to lose my temper.

0:36:410:36:45

Could that be the reason - and I think it is -

0:36:450:36:47

why we're so shit at second languages?

0:36:470:36:49

Again, you can't blame the teachers.

0:36:490:36:51

I don't think the people in this room are thick.

0:36:510:36:53

Most of us just die of crushing embarrassment

0:36:530:36:55

when we go to say a Spanish or French word.

0:36:550:36:58

Have you experienced that? You know the word but you can't do it.

0:36:580:37:01

You can't say "buenos dias". You felt like a tit. Right?

0:37:010:37:05

You're not thick. You're just trained to have a British face.

0:37:050:37:09

The correct way to say "buenos dias", as Spanish speakers will know

0:37:090:37:11

is not like this, "Buenos dias." It's like this, "Buenos dias!"

0:37:110:37:14

Look at how much of my face I am using.

0:37:140:37:16

"Buenos dias. Tiene usted papel higienico por favor?"

0:37:160:37:19

"Do you've any toilet paper, mate?"

0:37:190:37:21

You need that one on holiday.

0:37:210:37:23

Have you never had the app on the phone?

0:37:250:37:27

"I've got the app. I've got the phrasebook.

0:37:270:37:29

"I'm in Spain. I'm outside the supermercado.

0:37:290:37:31

"I've got five San Miguels in me.

0:37:310:37:32

"Watch and learn, lads. Watch and learn.

0:37:320:37:35

"I'm so London, I walk like a crab."

0:37:350:37:36

Into the shop... "I couldn't do it, I felt like a tit."

0:37:380:37:41

Of course you couldn't!

0:37:410:37:42

Most English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish people, we say hello like this.

0:37:420:37:45

"Hello, hello, hello, hello..."

0:37:450:37:47

We'd speak with horns if we could.

0:37:470:37:49

HONKING SOUNDS

0:37:490:37:53

Are there any French people in?

0:37:550:37:57

I love France.

0:37:570:37:58

It's one tiny country along and it's everything that we are not.

0:37:580:38:02

I mean, take any part of French culture. Wine, blank, CHEESE!

0:38:020:38:06

Cheese. British cheese, yeah. Look at the British cheese.

0:38:060:38:09

Refrigerated for at least 48 hours.

0:38:090:38:11

Double wrapped with a sell by date, foil, Clingfilm, foil.

0:38:110:38:13

You need a breadknife to cut through it.

0:38:130:38:15

Solid, British cheese, for solid, British people.

0:38:150:38:18

In the freezer, preferably, wallop!

0:38:180:38:20

Look at French cheese. "I've been out for 48 hours.

0:38:210:38:23

"I've turned into liquid.

0:38:230:38:25

"I smell slightly of..." APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:38:250:38:28

"I've been in so many men tonight.

0:38:280:38:30

"My name is Camembert."

0:38:310:38:33

To say I love you in almost any other language sounds amazing. Italian...

0:38:350:38:40

-What's your name, madam?

-Louisa.

-That ruins it.

0:38:400:38:43

I was going to say, "Ti amo, Louisa."

0:38:430:38:46

If I give an accent it's a bit better.

0:38:460:38:48

I'd like a Sambuca, per favore.

0:38:480:38:50

But it's "Ti amo".

0:38:530:38:55

Ti amo. How beautiful is that? It's so expressive.

0:38:550:38:57

Even if you didn't know that meant I love you, it matches my face.

0:38:570:39:01

An Italian man probably dislocates his jaw if he's enough in love.

0:39:010:39:05

"Ti amo.

0:39:050:39:06

"I won't rest until my love is accepted."

0:39:060:39:09

Can't be more different to how we declare our love in England.

0:39:090:39:12

"If you'd like to come to the conservatory please, Carole,

0:39:120:39:15

"I've got something to tell you. Thank you."

0:39:150:39:17

"I love you. Sorry, I'm sorry about that I've felt that way for some time."

0:39:190:39:24

That's how we have sex as well, Mr Australia.

0:39:240:39:27

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, dear. Sorry, dear, sorry. Sorry, if it's inconvenient.

0:39:270:39:31

"Sorry if it hurts. Sorry. Daily Telegraph, sorry."

0:39:310:39:34

I know I'm making fun of us,

0:39:430:39:44

I'm shining a light on us culturally,

0:39:440:39:46

but there's something good about that. You're right to be sceptical.

0:39:460:39:49

There's something good about holding feelings in.

0:39:490:39:51

We don't need to let everything out. That's what made this country great.

0:39:510:39:55

We're supposed to be a bit weird, have wonky teeth,

0:39:550:39:57

wobbly bodies and then die on the dance floor in our 50s -

0:39:570:39:59

that's what got us this far!

0:39:590:40:01

We should be careful with Americanising our culture.

0:40:010:40:03

You poor ladies with all the stuff in your magazines.

0:40:030:40:05

"Everyone must have the same breasts. They must look the same.

0:40:050:40:08

"Be wild in bed for your man. Are you wild enough?

0:40:080:40:10

"You need to be like an American porn star or your man's going to leave.

0:40:100:40:13

"Are you like an American porn star? Are you filthy enough?

0:40:130:40:16

"Or he's going to leave you." What a lot of nonsense!

0:40:160:40:18

British ladies, nonsense!

0:40:180:40:19

Your only duty is to say, "Forgiven!" after "Sorry!" and nothing else!

0:40:190:40:23

I'm not having a go at the USA - I love the place.

0:40:270:40:29

The Americans, where are you? Any in my sight line?

0:40:290:40:32

Where are you from?

0:40:320:40:33

-Florida.

-She's from Florida.

0:40:330:40:35

Again, an awkward atmosphere straight afterwards.

0:40:350:40:38

She's one of the good ones. She has a passport. She's travelled. Relax.

0:40:380:40:41

She's not one of the "Horse shit!" She's not one of those, is she?

0:40:430:40:46

"I didn't mean to hurt her, Papa,

0:40:460:40:47

"but she was so purty I got carried away,

0:40:470:40:49

"and now she's not breathing none." She's not one of those, is she?

0:40:490:40:52

There's a problem when we try to be as expressive as you guys.

0:40:570:41:00

And loads of you with sons must be really nervous.

0:41:000:41:02

These boys growing up watching pornography.

0:41:020:41:04

I'm not going to get on my high horse and be all leftie about pornography.

0:41:040:41:07

We all watch it a bit, but it's surely got a damaging effect

0:41:070:41:10

if you're mainlining it into your head when you're 14.

0:41:100:41:13

You're going it grow up with a very warped perception

0:41:130:41:15

of what real, English sex is like. It's not like American porn sex.

0:41:150:41:19

It's not "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

0:41:190:41:24

"I'm such a dirty girl. Why have I been so naughty?"

0:41:240:41:26

No, thanks.

0:41:260:41:28

Not on this island.

0:41:280:41:29

How can we manage it in our tiny English houses?

0:41:320:41:34

"They've got foxes next door,

0:41:340:41:36

"the dirty bastards. Can you hear that?

0:41:360:41:38

"Sort your bins out!"

0:41:380:41:39

It's not just the girls. It's us boys as well.

0:41:450:41:47

Have you seen the state of men lately?

0:41:470:41:49

Just eating piles of chicken breast, injecting creatine.

0:41:490:41:52

What's happened to us? This pornography with these weird hulks.

0:41:520:41:56

I don't want to see some 18st guy,

0:41:560:41:58

pumping like a sewing machine in a power surge.

0:41:580:42:00

That doesn't make me feel good about myself.

0:42:000:42:02

And they talk during sex.

0:42:020:42:04

Can you think of anything less British, madam,

0:42:040:42:06

than talking during sex? The American men...

0:42:060:42:08

"Do you like that? Huh? "Do you like that, you dirty girl?

0:42:080:42:10

"Do you see what I'm doing?" "I see what you're doing, Brad."

0:42:100:42:13

"I bet you do, you dirty girl. Watch what I'm doing."

0:42:130:42:15

"I'm watching." "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "Yeah?"

0:42:150:42:17

Having a chat?! No, thanks.

0:42:170:42:19

Imagine if this English couple went home and tried that.

0:42:230:42:25

"Do you see what I'm doing to you, Carole?

0:42:250:42:27

"Do you see that, do you?"

0:42:270:42:28

"I see what you're doing, Gary. Get on with it.

0:42:300:42:32

"We're going to miss the Ocado van at this rate."

0:42:320:42:35

No, thanks. Not here. Not on this island.

0:42:370:42:40

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening.

0:42:420:42:44

Keep supporting live comedy, keep watching live comedy.

0:42:440:42:47

I'm Russell Kane, thank you very much. Good night.

0:42:470:42:50

Russell Kane!

0:42:570:42:59

You've been an amazing audience.

0:43:020:43:04

Please show your appreciation for Joe Lycett, Russell Kane,

0:43:040:43:08

I've been Sarah Millican, good night.

0:43:080:43:10

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