Episode 2 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

your host for tonight, Jason Manford!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ohhh!

Always surprises me! Hiya! Good evening!

Welcome to Live At The Apollo!

CHEERING

Look at this! Give us a cheer, people from London.

CHEERING

Oh, wow! A fair amount. Any northerners?

-CHEERING

-Of course.

Of course there are. They love a free night out, don't you?

It's the only way they could afford to come down here.

They're all sharing a lift back.

We also pepper the audience, er, with celebrities, as well,

that's what we like to do.

We've got the Dragons. We've got a couple of Dragons over here, where?

There's Deborah. Hello, Deborah!

And Kelly, hello again!

Look at this!

Do you watch Dragons' Den?

It's a great show, I love it.

It's nice to know that even though they're multimillionaires,

they don't mind a free ticket for something. I respect that.

That's how you stay rich.

We've got Danny, as well. Where's Danny Kerr?

There he is! Danny Kerr from the England rugby team. Lovely stuff.

They said... They said to me, "Oh, we put some celebrities at the front

"for you to take the mickey out of."

I said, "Oh, lovely, who's there?" "Danny Kerr from the England rugby team."

"Yeah, I'll pick on him, yeah, great."

And we've got Heidi. Where's Heidi?

There's Heidi over there.

Hello, Heidi. Heidi, you'll remember from the Sugababes, of course.

You were always my favourite Sugababe, which is

saying something cos there was about 240, if I recall.

At one point they were Britain's third biggest employer

after Tesco and the NHS.

Applause for our celebrities for joining in.

I've got twin daughters, twin daughters.

My twin daughters are five.

I was in Scunthorpe one night.

I'm not showing off, I get to some nice places.

And I confused a women with it.

I was on stage and I said, "Has anyone else got twins?"

A women went, "Yeah, I have." I said, "How old are they?" "Five and six."

I was like, "What's wrong with you? How've you done that?"

There's a weird moment with twins,

when they get to about two, you just start to hate people with one kid.

You see them in the park,

you're like, "Oh, you all right there with your spare hand, yeah?"

They love getting up early, my kids. My God.

Quarter to six every morning, no matter how much stuff

I put in front of their door.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"

"Look, I don't love you till eight, that's how my brain works."

I mean 8am, not the age of eight, that'd be a bit harsh,

wouldn't it?

"Three more years and you get a hug, now, go on, get out.

"Get out in the garden where you live."

It's hard. Don't get me wrong, there's some beautiful moments with

children, there's some great moments.

This happened recently - there's a moment with your

children where you look at them and it seems obvious, it seems obvious,

but there's a moment you look at them and they do something so

like you, that you realise for the first time this little human is

just a mini version of you, you've created a mini version of you.

And it's magical, and it sounds obvious but when it happens it's

brilliant. I was in the park with my daughter, she's five years old.

And we're in the toddler park near the house

and it's got one of those toddler swings,

the ones you put your legs through,

not the normal swing that anyone can go on.

And we're stood next to the swing

and there's a girl trying to get on the swings.

She's about 14, she shouldn't even be in the toddler park.

She's quite a big girl, right?

Just, you know what I mean, a big girl, right?

(She's fat, right?)

I didn't want to say that, but she was fat.

Anyway, she was trying to get in the toddler swing

and it was a bit annoying, but you know, we're British

and we queued and waited and I said to my daughter,

"Sweetheart, do you want me to ask this girl to get off the swing?"

She's showing off to her friends in the corner, this girl.

And my daughter assessed the situation,

she saw the big girl trying to get in the tiny swing

and she said, "No, Daddy,

"I'd like to see what happens."

She'd seen the situation,

she's got a very basic grasp of physics

and she's thought to herself, "I might get to see a fire engine here!"

It's not always that brilliant, it's not always that easy.

There's hard moments, isn't there?

People are hard on themselves,

Good parents are hard on themselves - "Why's my son not doing that yet?

"Why's my daughter not doing well at school? Why won't he eat his vegetables? Why'd he fail his GCSEs?

"Why can't she pass her driving test? Why's my son in prison?"

Whatever it is, it's not always your fault.

I've got one very simple rule, now - if I get to the end of the day

and they're all still alive, I think, "Well done, me".

Because that is hard enough as it is, with toddlers.

"I'm going to jump off the top bunk Daddy. Can I play with this knife?

"Can I put my finger in a plug while I'm wet?"

These little suicidal, bipolar midgets wrecking your house!

And then YOU'RE hard on YOURself!

Some people do get it wrong. I saw a woman in Tesco recently,

And she had a five-year-old and a two-year-old.

Out of nowhere, the five-year-old just went, buffft!

Hit the two-year-old in the face, no reason.

Don't need a reason when you're five, it was alive and smiling, that's enough, buffft!

The mother grabbed the five-year-old and went, "Becky,

"we do not smack people!"

Now I'm no Supernanny, but I think you might be sending out

some mixed messages.

Kid had the best answer, she went, "I never smacked her, Mummy, I just high-fived her in the face!"

That's actually a let-off in our house. Just so you know. If they come back with a witty answer.

It's so weird, the smacking thing. I never got smacked as a kid.

Seems an odd thing to introduce, these little creatures that love me

more than anything in the world just to, bufffft, slip a slap in a day. That seems harsh.

I know it's not random - "There's nowt on telly, shall we smack the kids?" It's more serious than that.

But you've got to be more imaginative

with your punishments, you've got to think outside the box.

Think of other things you can do.

A friend said, "That little sensor in the living room where the red light comes on, tell them

"It's Father Christmas checking in, making sure everybody's being well behaved."

Who's used that?

Lovely, there's newer parents looking at me like, "Tell me more, Sensei, I'm writing this down!"

It worked a charm for about four months in my house

until one afternoon, I came into the living room, they're both sat

there with the Argos catalogue, showing it the toy section.

We'll have two of them, please, Santa, while you're here.

Count to three. People say, "Oh, just count to three."

Why are we doing the count to three? The count to three doesn't work.

All you're doing with the count to three is giving them

two more goes at whatever they did wrong in the first place.

"Stop doing that with your sister's hair!

"Bweeeerrr." "Pack it in, don't make me count to three!"

"Bweeeeerrr!"

"One!"

"Bweeerrr...?"

You may as well take that, that's a free one! "Two!"

And at two, you are both thinking the same thing -

"I wonder what happens at three?"

Cos you've got nothing at three! "Get to your room!"

"What, you mean the best room in the house where all my toys are? All right, I'll go there.

"It's like Guantanamo, isn't it? Just lying on our own bed!"

What about the naughty step, who uses the naughty step?

ALL: Yeah!

The naughty step doesn't work in my house.

It might work for you, doesn't work for me. I've got two five-year-olds.

They're great. I've got this other daughter. That's what I call her.

She's... No, she's magical, she's beautiful,

she's three years old, she's fabulous, but...she's weird.

And I know that seems harsh, but she'll never see this show.

She's weird.

And people say to me, "You can't say that about your own daughter," but she's weird.

I mean verging on sinister.

I'd go that far. She never cries, I've never seen her cry.

Everyone else thinks she's brilliant, "She never cries."

I'm like, "Yeah, don't leave me in the room with her."

LAUGHTER

She's just got a touch of the Damiens about her. You know?

She's sinister. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night,

she's always awake at the end of the landing, just staring out like that.

"How long you been there, sweetheart?"

"A while."

Take this, one morning I went running into her room, she'd had

a nightmare. I went running into her room and she was screaming

and I gave her a big cuddle. I said, "You all right, sweetheart?"

As I pulled her away, she looked past me into the darkness.

I said, "What's up?"

She said, "Daddy!

"The evil monkeys are behind you."

Any other kid you'd say, "Don't be silly, sweetheart, that's just a bad dream."

But with her, I looked.

That's me first response.

LAUGHTER

"Don't do that, love, don't do that."

And the other two, they pick on her sometimes, they pick on her!

And they're bigger than her, but she wins.

And kids have got some nasty fighting techniques, haven't they?

Like the pinch and twist. You know about the pinch and twist?

They grab a bit of chubby leg or arm and pinch it then twist it?

Horrible! Even if two blokes were fighting in a pub car park and one

did that, you'd be, "Mate, that's a bit low, innit? He'd be like, "Sorry, pal!"

One of them came in, did this, right?

They did the pinch and twist on her leg, pinched it, twisted it.

This was the reaction. She went, "Ah, oh!"

And everyone else is like,

"Oh, isn't she great? She never cries." I'm like, "Yeah.

"I think she might kill us in our sleep one day."

And she can wait two or three days for revenge.

She'll see the other two - "Oh, you watching Peppa Pig?"

Bumf! Bumf! Take them both out like a hit man.

And this is the weirdest thing,

she goes and sits on the naughty step, by herself!

Just sat there like that, "Was worth it. Was worth it."

LAUGHTER

There's no thanks, is there?

There's no thanks with kids.

Some horrible jobs, isn't there?

I mean, the wiping of a kid's bum,

that's never going to get fun, is it?

Nobody gets a "thank you".

Is there any worse sound than being in the middle of dinner

and somewhere in the house just hearing,

"I've finished!"

You get up there, they're already waiting -

"Get it wiped!"

What do they do at school?

Teacher's not got enough hours in the day to be wiping 30 arses!

"Don't worry, Miss, I'll get me dad to do it when I get home."

Like, these kids are mugging us off!

My daughter come running in a little while ago from the garden.

She said, er... She come in the kitchen and she went,

"I've not done anything."

LAUGHTER

I said, "What have you done?"

She said, "I'm really sorry..." This is unbelievable,

she looked at me she went, "I'm really sorry,

"but I've had a poo in my knickers."

I was like, "What have you done that for? You're a big girl!

"You go to the toilet or tell Daddy and I'll take you!"

She came up with the greatest defence you have ever heard.

She looked up at me,

big Disney princess eyes and a trembling lip, she went...

"..I was just having so much fun I forgot."

LAUGHTER

How can you tell a kid off for having too much fun?

If anything, I was jealous.

That was my first emotion, jealousy.

Cos I'm fun. You ask any of my mates - "Oh, Jason. Yeah, he's fun."

I've never had that much fun.

I mean, you're fun, look at you!

Here at the Apollo having a great old time.

You're in the top 3% of fun people in this country,

let me tell you that! But cast your minds back, have a little think.

When was the last time you were having that much fun

you literally shit your own pants?

It's unheard of! No-one's ever left a party -

"Hey, Steve, great party!

"Margery's had a shit in her knickers."

It's never happened!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Please welcome Chris Ramsey!

CHEERING

Yes!

Hello!

How you doing? You all right?

Yes. Thank you very much for having us. This is very exciting.

My name's Chris, I'm from the north-east.

-CHEERING

-Don't you patronise me.

LAUGHTER

It's weird when you find... A lot of people think I'm a Geordie.

You've got this accent, they assume that you're a Geordie.

I'm not a Geordie.

If you're a Geordie you're from Newcastle, you're a Geordie.

I'm from a little town called South Shields.

CHEERING

That's never happened down here!

If people think you're a Geordie, they think you're a bit rough.

They think you're up for a bit of a scrap. That's not me.

Look at the state of us! That's not me.

We don't do ourselves any favours, though.

The Angel Of The North - that's not an angel.

That's just a bloke starting a fight.

LAUGHTER

It's awesome being on telly, but you've got to be careful.

You've got to be careful. You don't want to upset anyone.

You don't want to offend anyone, right? I'm not that guy.

I get offended by stuff when I watch the telly. I do.

I genuinely nearly complained,

I nearly phoned up and complained recently.

I was watching an advert during the day, before the watershed, right?

I was mortified by what I saw, right?

I love a clever advert, a clever little advert.

A bit of PR, doesn't let you know what's happening.

It's like a little film.

It gets you at the beginning and you've got to watch to the end

to work out what it's about.

I think that's genius. I love it.

I started watching it.

I was mortified. This is what happened.

It was a young lady standing in a wine bar, holding a glass of wine.

She looked at the camera. She went,

"Oh, me?

"Oh, I'm a folder."

LAUGHTER

I thought, "What's happening here?"

Cut to a guy in a building site, digging a hole. He went,

"Me? I'm a scruncher."

I thought, "OK, I'm hooked!

"This is a clever little advert, what are they talking about?"

I sat down, I turned it up.

I was eating a sandwich. Right?

I was enjoying myself.

Cut to a guy walking down the street - "I'm a folder, too."

Another guy on a bike - "I'm a scruncher."

This is amazing! What's happening here? What do they mean?

Folder, scruncher, folder, scruncher!

The suspense was killing us!

It got to the end of the advert. It said,

"Tweet in now, and tell us whether you're a folder or a scruncher,

"@Andrex."

Uhhh!

Andrex polled the nation to ask whether we fold the paper or scrunch

the paper as we scrape the remnants of waste

from our back passages.

Is NOTHING in this world sacred any more?

That is revolting, first of all, and secondly, I'm sorry,

but who the hell is scrunching - who's doing that?

Who's doing that? I didn't know that was a thing!

Are you folding the paper along the lines

provided like a civilised human being, or are you just gathering

it up like a Neanderthal getting a handful of undergrowth in a forest?

Argh! Roaaaar! It's under me nails and I feel alive!

LAUGHTER

Tweet in and tell us whether you fold or scrunch - I mean, come on!

I know Twitter's largely pointless, but howay!

It is - like, the more technologically advanced our forms of communication get,

the more pointless the subject matter seems to be.

You think about it - you would never tweet someone something

important, or relevant, would you?

You would never tweet someone to inform them

of a death in the family - be a bit harsh.

"Dad's dead #fail."

It is fun winding people up on the internet, it really is.

It's even funnier to wind people up in real life, let's be honest.

Me and me mate used to do this game, right, you've got do it on a busy high street.

It's a great game. Imagine the stage is a busy high street and the middle here,

this is the moment where you cross past another group of people,

in a high street. You're walking with your mates, they're walking with theirs. You walk past them,

you're not shouting, they're not shouting. But there's always that moment

when you walk past people in a high street, and for a moment you hear

a bit of their conversion and they hear a bit of yours.

The game is, you ensure, that that passing group

hears the most messed up shit...

..you can possibly dream up.

Me and me mate were walking down Northumberland Street

in Newcastle, right - man and woman walking towards us, holding hands having a lovely day.

We RUINED it!

This statement that this man heard while walking past,

it asks so many more questions than it answers.

Imagine hearing this by a passing stranger in a high street -

man and woman walking that way, me and me mate Andy walking this way.

This is what Andy said, and I quote,

"Well, I didn't kill him, but I was holding the dildo."

LAUGHTER

That RUINS your afternoon! His head nearly exploded!

My mate invented that game. I haven't got that kind of mind.

My mate - every comedian's got a joke about their daft mate.

He's not me daft mate - his name's Andy, he's not my daft mate.

He is my GENIUS mate, hiding in the body of my daft mate.

And that's a terrifying thing - he can beat you in an argument

without giving you anything relevant to what you are talking about.

It's like a Jedi mind trick, he just goes, blurt!

And you just reset and forgot what you were arguing about. I saw him do it once,

he came into a lecture in college 45 minutes late.

It was an hour-long lecture - the man is a maniac.

He walked in like nothing was wrong, he just went, "All right?" And he walked to the back.

The teacher went, "Andrew!" Quite right! "Andrew, get back here now.

"Are you kidding me, son? You are 45 minutes late.

"There's 15 minutes left in this lecture. Where have you been?"

It was the greatest excuse, I've ever heard -

take it, use it, cherish it.

She had nothing. He went, "I fell over."

LAUGHTER

That is beautiful! Do you know why?

Because she had never been handed something so stupid.

She had no response.

She had never been on that playing field.

She stammered, she went, "Er, careful next time."

Careful next time?

I'd have been, "Get back here, sunshine! Where did you fall - down a canyon?

"45 minutes? Better have some climbing gear with you!"

He did it to me once. I was furious, right?

Never been so confused. And annoyed.

I went to go...I went to Dubai to do some gigs

when I was first starting out.

Amazing, it's like the poshest place I've ever been.

I told all the lads cos I got to stay, right, Northern lad,

I got to stay on the island shaped like a palm tree.

They made an island shaped like a palm tree.

Cos money is no object over there,

it's like a Bond villain lived there, it's crazy, right?

Made an island, I took a photo of it, I showed all me mates, I went, "Lads, look."

It's clearly a man-made structure.

I went, "Lads, stayed on the island shaped like a palm tree."

All me mates went, "Cracking, well done."

Andy went, "Island shaped like a palm tree? Is it man-made?"

Uhh!

And I thought, "Here we go again.

"I don't want to be that guy - oh, your geography knowledge is terrible!"

I was - I went, "Ha-ha! Of course it's man-made, you moron."

I had nothing for what he gave me. He went, "Erm, well,

"Italy's shaped like a boot."

LAUGHTER

My name's Chris Ramsey. You've been absolutely awesome, Apollo - good night!

Chris Ramsey! Oh, wow!

Are you ready for your next act?

Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo, please welcome, Doc Brown!

APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HE LAUGHS

I'm Doc. From London.

CHEERS

Yeah.

Spiritual home of the aggressive knob.

And I love it. Yeah.

Anyway, where else, where else could the risk of a murder increase

due to someone taking slightly too long in a post office transaction?

What's he doing?

Where else, where else could you get trick or treated in the street?

Mm. Yeah. Yeah?

I've been a victim.

Yeah, last Halloween, I was leaving,

I was leaving a pub half eleven at night,

right. When these two, erm,

I'm going to call them little shits, right,

came out of the shadows talking about, "Hey! Trick or treat?

"Yo, trick or treat, trick or treat, bruv?"

Costumes designed exclusively by JD Sports, right.

"Trick or treat, bruv?"

"Hold on, hold on - where are your costumes?

"You haven't even got masks on." "Nah, trick or treat, innit?

"Trick or treat, fam."

"OK, let's, look everybody, let's just relax.

Right, let's just relax. I, I am leaving a public house, OK?

It's an adult establishment, half eleven at night,

I'm doing adult things, I do not have any sweets on my person, right?

And they look and me and go, "Nah, we just want money, innit, just want money, bruv."

Well, I say, "This is not trick or treating, is it?"

Strictly speaking, this is a mugging. Let's call it what it is.

Right. Pressure.

Feel it, all the time, pressure to conform, to be tough.

For boys, little boys, younger and younger - that pressure to be tough.

To be gangsta.

I mean, I have two little girls, I've got a five-year-old

and an eight-year-old. Don't have to worry about toughness as such.

They're cool - but some of their little friends?

Where I live, kind of a rough area,

type of place estate agents might describe to you as vibrant, right?

Where I live, some of the little boys? Sheesh!

Listen, I will have play dates for everybody in my block,

I don't mind, I love having little kids around, you know,

if it's raining, stick on a DVD.

Lion King, something like that.

You know and it's cute watching them - when the scary bits come on, they all hide their faces

behind the cushions and stuff. But there's this one kid, this little boy from the flat upstairs,

When the scary bits come on he's just like, "Yeaaaah!

HE GROWLS

"Yeah, that's right.

"Scar does not piss about, bruv!"

He's six, six. Terrifying!

Right, I took a whole bunch of them to Hackney Empire,

East London, last Christmas,

to watch a panto - you know, not out of a kind of a bleeding heart

let's-go-on-a-residential kind of - no!

I just wanted to study this little kid a little longer.

I wanted to see what made this little prick tick, right?

I wanted to know, right.

And we all sat down the front, and erm, the narrator,

the narrator, he minced on talking about,

"Now if you see the naughty man, will you let me know?"

I'm looking at this kid - he's just sat there like,

"Nah, ain't no snitches in here, fam."

LAUGHTER

I remember that age, though. I remember that age. Wasn't that long ago, it was a while back.

You know what I wanted to be when I was that age - I wanted to be a rapper. Believe it or not.

I never, I never really felt like I had a tough enough background,

you know - I'd never been to prison. You know?

And I wasn't one of those kids,

I knew kids who would do just enough crime, in order to get just

the requisite amount of time behind bars to boast about, you know?

I was never one of those. I don't think I could maintain that

tough facade, behind bars...in fact, even just using words like facade.

LAUGHTER

Probably blow my cover...

relatively early.

No, but I do, I still have fond memories, being a teen,

sat around with my mates.

Throwing topics at each other to do like freestyle

rhymes about, you know.

If anyone had er, offer, offer, like maybe suggest police... Hah!

The P word! Yeah, guaranteed someone would jump up like, "Yo!

"Nah, nah, check this out - yo, yo! Yo?

"Yo, I just want to, live my life but feds keep watching me."

Yeah.

"Every second man, po-leece are clocking me.

"So many times I get this in a day.

"Somebody tell me why they discriminate.

"I'm on my way to a weed sale...

"got the drugs in the car, by the knife, no seat belt.

"Whoa. Uh, yeah.

"No wing mirror.

"No licence,

"and my nephew taught me how to drive this.

"Cocaine and a big glass of rum, too.

"Shoot my gun in the air through the sunroof.

"Whoo, whoo! Oh man, I don't believe this!

"Prejudiced policeman - what's the reason?

"Yo, yo."

APPLAUSE

"Hmm. My gun, my knife - my drugs you want to take?

"My bootleg DVDs you confiscate? And now I can't drink and drive?

"Why won't these pigs let me live my life, like

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!"

And it's an awkward moment, right - it's an awkward moment,

in that room, you know, cos, I'm amongst friends here.

And they're looking at me for some kind of response, you know - "Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

I don't know what to say.

So I'm stood there like an idiot, going, "Yeah, yeaaaah, bruv.

"Bloody...police."

"Grrrr!

"Clamping down on...illegal activity."

Ladies and gents, thanks very much. I'm Doc Brown. Peace, good night!

APPLAUSE

Doc Brown!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for the acts you saw tonight, you saw Chris Ramsey!

And you saw Doc Brown!

Good night, God bless, thank you!