Episode 2 Live at the Apollo


Episode 2

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Funny man Jason Manford introduces two of comedy's biggest stars - Chris Ramsey and Doc Brown.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

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your host for tonight, Jason Manford!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ohhh!

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Always surprises me! Hiya! Good evening!

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo!

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CHEERING

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Look at this! Give us a cheer, people from London.

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CHEERING

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Oh, wow! A fair amount. Any northerners?

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-CHEERING

-Of course.

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Of course there are. They love a free night out, don't you?

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It's the only way they could afford to come down here.

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They're all sharing a lift back.

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We also pepper the audience, er, with celebrities, as well,

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that's what we like to do.

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We've got the Dragons. We've got a couple of Dragons over here, where?

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There's Deborah. Hello, Deborah!

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And Kelly, hello again!

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Look at this!

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Do you watch Dragons' Den?

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It's a great show, I love it.

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It's nice to know that even though they're multimillionaires,

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they don't mind a free ticket for something. I respect that.

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That's how you stay rich.

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We've got Danny, as well. Where's Danny Kerr?

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There he is! Danny Kerr from the England rugby team. Lovely stuff.

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They said... They said to me, "Oh, we put some celebrities at the front

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"for you to take the mickey out of."

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I said, "Oh, lovely, who's there?" "Danny Kerr from the England rugby team."

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"Yeah, I'll pick on him, yeah, great."

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And we've got Heidi. Where's Heidi?

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There's Heidi over there.

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Hello, Heidi. Heidi, you'll remember from the Sugababes, of course.

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You were always my favourite Sugababe, which is

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saying something cos there was about 240, if I recall.

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At one point they were Britain's third biggest employer

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after Tesco and the NHS.

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Applause for our celebrities for joining in.

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I've got twin daughters, twin daughters.

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My twin daughters are five.

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I was in Scunthorpe one night.

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I'm not showing off, I get to some nice places.

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And I confused a women with it.

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I was on stage and I said, "Has anyone else got twins?"

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A women went, "Yeah, I have." I said, "How old are they?" "Five and six."

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I was like, "What's wrong with you? How've you done that?"

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There's a weird moment with twins,

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when they get to about two, you just start to hate people with one kid.

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You see them in the park,

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you're like, "Oh, you all right there with your spare hand, yeah?"

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They love getting up early, my kids. My God.

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Quarter to six every morning, no matter how much stuff

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I put in front of their door.

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"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"

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"Look, I don't love you till eight, that's how my brain works."

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I mean 8am, not the age of eight, that'd be a bit harsh,

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wouldn't it?

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"Three more years and you get a hug, now, go on, get out.

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"Get out in the garden where you live."

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It's hard. Don't get me wrong, there's some beautiful moments with

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children, there's some great moments.

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This happened recently - there's a moment with your

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children where you look at them and it seems obvious, it seems obvious,

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but there's a moment you look at them and they do something so

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like you, that you realise for the first time this little human is

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just a mini version of you, you've created a mini version of you.

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And it's magical, and it sounds obvious but when it happens it's

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brilliant. I was in the park with my daughter, she's five years old.

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And we're in the toddler park near the house

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and it's got one of those toddler swings,

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the ones you put your legs through,

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not the normal swing that anyone can go on.

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And we're stood next to the swing

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and there's a girl trying to get on the swings.

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She's about 14, she shouldn't even be in the toddler park.

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She's quite a big girl, right?

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Just, you know what I mean, a big girl, right?

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(She's fat, right?)

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I didn't want to say that, but she was fat.

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Anyway, she was trying to get in the toddler swing

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and it was a bit annoying, but you know, we're British

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and we queued and waited and I said to my daughter,

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"Sweetheart, do you want me to ask this girl to get off the swing?"

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She's showing off to her friends in the corner, this girl.

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And my daughter assessed the situation,

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she saw the big girl trying to get in the tiny swing

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and she said, "No, Daddy,

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"I'd like to see what happens."

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She'd seen the situation,

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she's got a very basic grasp of physics

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and she's thought to herself, "I might get to see a fire engine here!"

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It's not always that brilliant, it's not always that easy.

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There's hard moments, isn't there?

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People are hard on themselves,

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Good parents are hard on themselves - "Why's my son not doing that yet?

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"Why's my daughter not doing well at school? Why won't he eat his vegetables? Why'd he fail his GCSEs?

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"Why can't she pass her driving test? Why's my son in prison?"

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Whatever it is, it's not always your fault.

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I've got one very simple rule, now - if I get to the end of the day

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and they're all still alive, I think, "Well done, me".

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Because that is hard enough as it is, with toddlers.

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"I'm going to jump off the top bunk Daddy. Can I play with this knife?

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"Can I put my finger in a plug while I'm wet?"

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These little suicidal, bipolar midgets wrecking your house!

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And then YOU'RE hard on YOURself!

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Some people do get it wrong. I saw a woman in Tesco recently,

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And she had a five-year-old and a two-year-old.

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Out of nowhere, the five-year-old just went, buffft!

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Hit the two-year-old in the face, no reason.

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Don't need a reason when you're five, it was alive and smiling, that's enough, buffft!

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The mother grabbed the five-year-old and went, "Becky,

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"we do not smack people!"

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Now I'm no Supernanny, but I think you might be sending out

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some mixed messages.

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Kid had the best answer, she went, "I never smacked her, Mummy, I just high-fived her in the face!"

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That's actually a let-off in our house. Just so you know. If they come back with a witty answer.

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It's so weird, the smacking thing. I never got smacked as a kid.

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Seems an odd thing to introduce, these little creatures that love me

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more than anything in the world just to, bufffft, slip a slap in a day. That seems harsh.

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I know it's not random - "There's nowt on telly, shall we smack the kids?" It's more serious than that.

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But you've got to be more imaginative

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with your punishments, you've got to think outside the box.

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Think of other things you can do.

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A friend said, "That little sensor in the living room where the red light comes on, tell them

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"It's Father Christmas checking in, making sure everybody's being well behaved."

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Who's used that?

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Lovely, there's newer parents looking at me like, "Tell me more, Sensei, I'm writing this down!"

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It worked a charm for about four months in my house

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until one afternoon, I came into the living room, they're both sat

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there with the Argos catalogue, showing it the toy section.

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We'll have two of them, please, Santa, while you're here.

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Count to three. People say, "Oh, just count to three."

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Why are we doing the count to three? The count to three doesn't work.

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All you're doing with the count to three is giving them

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two more goes at whatever they did wrong in the first place.

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"Stop doing that with your sister's hair!

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"Bweeeerrr." "Pack it in, don't make me count to three!"

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"Bweeeeerrr!"

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"One!"

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"Bweeerrr...?"

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You may as well take that, that's a free one! "Two!"

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And at two, you are both thinking the same thing -

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"I wonder what happens at three?"

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Cos you've got nothing at three! "Get to your room!"

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"What, you mean the best room in the house where all my toys are? All right, I'll go there.

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"It's like Guantanamo, isn't it? Just lying on our own bed!"

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What about the naughty step, who uses the naughty step?

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ALL: Yeah!

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The naughty step doesn't work in my house.

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It might work for you, doesn't work for me. I've got two five-year-olds.

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They're great. I've got this other daughter. That's what I call her.

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She's... No, she's magical, she's beautiful,

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she's three years old, she's fabulous, but...she's weird.

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And I know that seems harsh, but she'll never see this show.

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She's weird.

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And people say to me, "You can't say that about your own daughter," but she's weird.

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I mean verging on sinister.

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I'd go that far. She never cries, I've never seen her cry.

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Everyone else thinks she's brilliant, "She never cries."

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I'm like, "Yeah, don't leave me in the room with her."

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LAUGHTER

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She's just got a touch of the Damiens about her. You know?

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She's sinister. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night,

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she's always awake at the end of the landing, just staring out like that.

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"How long you been there, sweetheart?"

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"A while."

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Take this, one morning I went running into her room, she'd had

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a nightmare. I went running into her room and she was screaming

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and I gave her a big cuddle. I said, "You all right, sweetheart?"

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As I pulled her away, she looked past me into the darkness.

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I said, "What's up?"

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She said, "Daddy!

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"The evil monkeys are behind you."

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Any other kid you'd say, "Don't be silly, sweetheart, that's just a bad dream."

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But with her, I looked.

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That's me first response.

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LAUGHTER

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"Don't do that, love, don't do that."

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And the other two, they pick on her sometimes, they pick on her!

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And they're bigger than her, but she wins.

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And kids have got some nasty fighting techniques, haven't they?

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Like the pinch and twist. You know about the pinch and twist?

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They grab a bit of chubby leg or arm and pinch it then twist it?

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Horrible! Even if two blokes were fighting in a pub car park and one

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did that, you'd be, "Mate, that's a bit low, innit? He'd be like, "Sorry, pal!"

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One of them came in, did this, right?

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They did the pinch and twist on her leg, pinched it, twisted it.

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This was the reaction. She went, "Ah, oh!"

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And everyone else is like,

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"Oh, isn't she great? She never cries." I'm like, "Yeah.

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"I think she might kill us in our sleep one day."

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And she can wait two or three days for revenge.

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She'll see the other two - "Oh, you watching Peppa Pig?"

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Bumf! Bumf! Take them both out like a hit man.

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And this is the weirdest thing,

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she goes and sits on the naughty step, by herself!

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Just sat there like that, "Was worth it. Was worth it."

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LAUGHTER

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There's no thanks, is there?

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There's no thanks with kids.

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Some horrible jobs, isn't there?

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I mean, the wiping of a kid's bum,

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that's never going to get fun, is it?

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Nobody gets a "thank you".

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Is there any worse sound than being in the middle of dinner

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and somewhere in the house just hearing,

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"I've finished!"

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You get up there, they're already waiting -

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"Get it wiped!"

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What do they do at school?

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Teacher's not got enough hours in the day to be wiping 30 arses!

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"Don't worry, Miss, I'll get me dad to do it when I get home."

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Like, these kids are mugging us off!

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My daughter come running in a little while ago from the garden.

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She said, er... She come in the kitchen and she went,

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"I've not done anything."

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LAUGHTER

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I said, "What have you done?"

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She said, "I'm really sorry..." This is unbelievable,

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she looked at me she went, "I'm really sorry,

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"but I've had a poo in my knickers."

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I was like, "What have you done that for? You're a big girl!

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"You go to the toilet or tell Daddy and I'll take you!"

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She came up with the greatest defence you have ever heard.

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She looked up at me,

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big Disney princess eyes and a trembling lip, she went...

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"..I was just having so much fun I forgot."

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LAUGHTER

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How can you tell a kid off for having too much fun?

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If anything, I was jealous.

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That was my first emotion, jealousy.

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Cos I'm fun. You ask any of my mates - "Oh, Jason. Yeah, he's fun."

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I've never had that much fun.

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I mean, you're fun, look at you!

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Here at the Apollo having a great old time.

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You're in the top 3% of fun people in this country,

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let me tell you that! But cast your minds back, have a little think.

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When was the last time you were having that much fun

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you literally shit your own pants?

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It's unheard of! No-one's ever left a party -

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"Hey, Steve, great party!

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"Margery's had a shit in her knickers."

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It's never happened!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?

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-ALL:

-Yeah!

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Please welcome Chris Ramsey!

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CHEERING

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Yes!

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Hello!

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How you doing? You all right?

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Yes. Thank you very much for having us. This is very exciting.

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My name's Chris, I'm from the north-east.

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-CHEERING

-Don't you patronise me.

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LAUGHTER

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It's weird when you find... A lot of people think I'm a Geordie.

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You've got this accent, they assume that you're a Geordie.

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I'm not a Geordie.

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If you're a Geordie you're from Newcastle, you're a Geordie.

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I'm from a little town called South Shields.

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CHEERING

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That's never happened down here!

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If people think you're a Geordie, they think you're a bit rough.

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They think you're up for a bit of a scrap. That's not me.

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Look at the state of us! That's not me.

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We don't do ourselves any favours, though.

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The Angel Of The North - that's not an angel.

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That's just a bloke starting a fight.

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LAUGHTER

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It's awesome being on telly, but you've got to be careful.

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You've got to be careful. You don't want to upset anyone.

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You don't want to offend anyone, right? I'm not that guy.

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I get offended by stuff when I watch the telly. I do.

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I genuinely nearly complained,

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I nearly phoned up and complained recently.

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I was watching an advert during the day, before the watershed, right?

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I was mortified by what I saw, right?

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I love a clever advert, a clever little advert.

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A bit of PR, doesn't let you know what's happening.

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It's like a little film.

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It gets you at the beginning and you've got to watch to the end

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to work out what it's about.

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I think that's genius. I love it.

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I started watching it.

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I was mortified. This is what happened.

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It was a young lady standing in a wine bar, holding a glass of wine.

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She looked at the camera. She went,

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"Oh, me?

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"Oh, I'm a folder."

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LAUGHTER

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I thought, "What's happening here?"

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Cut to a guy in a building site, digging a hole. He went,

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"Me? I'm a scruncher."

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I thought, "OK, I'm hooked!

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"This is a clever little advert, what are they talking about?"

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I sat down, I turned it up.

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I was eating a sandwich. Right?

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I was enjoying myself.

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Cut to a guy walking down the street - "I'm a folder, too."

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Another guy on a bike - "I'm a scruncher."

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This is amazing! What's happening here? What do they mean?

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Folder, scruncher, folder, scruncher!

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The suspense was killing us!

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It got to the end of the advert. It said,

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"Tweet in now, and tell us whether you're a folder or a scruncher,

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"@Andrex."

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Uhhh!

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Andrex polled the nation to ask whether we fold the paper or scrunch

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the paper as we scrape the remnants of waste

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from our back passages.

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Is NOTHING in this world sacred any more?

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That is revolting, first of all, and secondly, I'm sorry,

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but who the hell is scrunching - who's doing that?

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Who's doing that? I didn't know that was a thing!

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Are you folding the paper along the lines

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provided like a civilised human being, or are you just gathering

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it up like a Neanderthal getting a handful of undergrowth in a forest?

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Argh! Roaaaar! It's under me nails and I feel alive!

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LAUGHTER

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Tweet in and tell us whether you fold or scrunch - I mean, come on!

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I know Twitter's largely pointless, but howay!

0:16:010:16:04

It is - like, the more technologically advanced our forms of communication get,

0:16:040:16:08

the more pointless the subject matter seems to be.

0:16:080:16:12

You think about it - you would never tweet someone something

0:16:120:16:14

important, or relevant, would you?

0:16:140:16:16

You would never tweet someone to inform them

0:16:160:16:18

of a death in the family - be a bit harsh.

0:16:180:16:21

"Dad's dead #fail."

0:16:210:16:25

It is fun winding people up on the internet, it really is.

0:16:270:16:31

It's even funnier to wind people up in real life, let's be honest.

0:16:310:16:35

Me and me mate used to do this game, right, you've got do it on a busy high street.

0:16:350:16:38

It's a great game. Imagine the stage is a busy high street and the middle here,

0:16:380:16:42

this is the moment where you cross past another group of people,

0:16:420:16:45

in a high street. You're walking with your mates, they're walking with theirs. You walk past them,

0:16:450:16:49

you're not shouting, they're not shouting. But there's always that moment

0:16:490:16:53

when you walk past people in a high street, and for a moment you hear

0:16:530:16:56

a bit of their conversion and they hear a bit of yours.

0:16:560:16:59

The game is, you ensure, that that passing group

0:16:590:17:04

hears the most messed up shit...

0:17:040:17:07

..you can possibly dream up.

0:17:090:17:11

Me and me mate were walking down Northumberland Street

0:17:110:17:14

in Newcastle, right - man and woman walking towards us, holding hands having a lovely day.

0:17:140:17:18

We RUINED it!

0:17:180:17:20

This statement that this man heard while walking past,

0:17:200:17:25

it asks so many more questions than it answers.

0:17:250:17:27

Imagine hearing this by a passing stranger in a high street -

0:17:270:17:31

man and woman walking that way, me and me mate Andy walking this way.

0:17:310:17:34

This is what Andy said, and I quote,

0:17:340:17:36

"Well, I didn't kill him, but I was holding the dildo."

0:17:360:17:39

LAUGHTER

0:17:390:17:41

That RUINS your afternoon! His head nearly exploded!

0:17:450:17:48

My mate invented that game. I haven't got that kind of mind.

0:17:500:17:53

My mate - every comedian's got a joke about their daft mate.

0:17:530:17:56

He's not me daft mate - his name's Andy, he's not my daft mate.

0:17:560:18:00

He is my GENIUS mate, hiding in the body of my daft mate.

0:18:000:18:05

And that's a terrifying thing - he can beat you in an argument

0:18:050:18:08

without giving you anything relevant to what you are talking about.

0:18:080:18:13

It's like a Jedi mind trick, he just goes, blurt!

0:18:130:18:15

And you just reset and forgot what you were arguing about. I saw him do it once,

0:18:150:18:19

he came into a lecture in college 45 minutes late.

0:18:190:18:23

It was an hour-long lecture - the man is a maniac.

0:18:230:18:26

He walked in like nothing was wrong, he just went, "All right?" And he walked to the back.

0:18:260:18:29

The teacher went, "Andrew!" Quite right! "Andrew, get back here now.

0:18:290:18:33

"Are you kidding me, son? You are 45 minutes late.

0:18:330:18:37

"There's 15 minutes left in this lecture. Where have you been?"

0:18:370:18:41

It was the greatest excuse, I've ever heard -

0:18:410:18:44

take it, use it, cherish it.

0:18:440:18:46

She had nothing. He went, "I fell over."

0:18:460:18:49

LAUGHTER

0:18:490:18:53

That is beautiful! Do you know why?

0:18:590:19:02

Because she had never been handed something so stupid.

0:19:020:19:05

She had no response.

0:19:050:19:08

She had never been on that playing field.

0:19:080:19:10

She stammered, she went, "Er, careful next time."

0:19:100:19:13

Careful next time?

0:19:130:19:14

I'd have been, "Get back here, sunshine! Where did you fall - down a canyon?

0:19:140:19:18

"45 minutes? Better have some climbing gear with you!"

0:19:180:19:23

He did it to me once. I was furious, right?

0:19:230:19:25

Never been so confused. And annoyed.

0:19:250:19:28

I went to go...I went to Dubai to do some gigs

0:19:280:19:31

when I was first starting out.

0:19:310:19:33

Amazing, it's like the poshest place I've ever been.

0:19:330:19:36

I told all the lads cos I got to stay, right, Northern lad,

0:19:360:19:39

I got to stay on the island shaped like a palm tree.

0:19:390:19:42

They made an island shaped like a palm tree.

0:19:420:19:45

Cos money is no object over there,

0:19:450:19:46

it's like a Bond villain lived there, it's crazy, right?

0:19:460:19:49

Made an island, I took a photo of it, I showed all me mates, I went, "Lads, look."

0:19:490:19:52

It's clearly a man-made structure.

0:19:520:19:54

I went, "Lads, stayed on the island shaped like a palm tree."

0:19:540:19:58

All me mates went, "Cracking, well done."

0:19:580:20:00

Andy went, "Island shaped like a palm tree? Is it man-made?"

0:20:000:20:04

Uhh!

0:20:040:20:06

And I thought, "Here we go again.

0:20:060:20:08

"I don't want to be that guy - oh, your geography knowledge is terrible!"

0:20:080:20:11

I was - I went, "Ha-ha! Of course it's man-made, you moron."

0:20:110:20:14

I had nothing for what he gave me. He went, "Erm, well,

0:20:140:20:19

"Italy's shaped like a boot."

0:20:190:20:21

LAUGHTER

0:20:210:20:24

My name's Chris Ramsey. You've been absolutely awesome, Apollo - good night!

0:20:280:20:32

Chris Ramsey! Oh, wow!

0:20:380:20:41

Are you ready for your next act?

0:20:410:20:44

Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo, please welcome, Doc Brown!

0:20:440:20:49

APPLAUSE

0:20:490:20:54

Yeah!

0:21:010:21:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:21:030:21:05

HE LAUGHS

0:21:050:21:08

I'm Doc. From London.

0:21:080:21:11

CHEERS

0:21:110:21:12

Yeah.

0:21:120:21:14

Spiritual home of the aggressive knob.

0:21:140:21:17

And I love it. Yeah.

0:21:190:21:21

Anyway, where else, where else could the risk of a murder increase

0:21:210:21:27

due to someone taking slightly too long in a post office transaction?

0:21:270:21:32

What's he doing?

0:21:340:21:36

Where else, where else could you get trick or treated in the street?

0:21:360:21:40

Mm. Yeah. Yeah?

0:21:430:21:45

I've been a victim.

0:21:450:21:47

Yeah, last Halloween, I was leaving,

0:21:470:21:49

I was leaving a pub half eleven at night,

0:21:490:21:53

right. When these two, erm,

0:21:530:21:56

I'm going to call them little shits, right,

0:21:560:22:00

came out of the shadows talking about, "Hey! Trick or treat?

0:22:000:22:04

"Yo, trick or treat, trick or treat, bruv?"

0:22:040:22:08

Costumes designed exclusively by JD Sports, right.

0:22:080:22:12

"Trick or treat, bruv?"

0:22:140:22:16

"Hold on, hold on - where are your costumes?

0:22:160:22:19

"You haven't even got masks on." "Nah, trick or treat, innit?

0:22:190:22:23

"Trick or treat, fam."

0:22:230:22:27

"OK, let's, look everybody, let's just relax.

0:22:270:22:30

Right, let's just relax. I, I am leaving a public house, OK?

0:22:300:22:35

It's an adult establishment, half eleven at night,

0:22:350:22:38

I'm doing adult things, I do not have any sweets on my person, right?

0:22:380:22:43

And they look and me and go, "Nah, we just want money, innit, just want money, bruv."

0:22:430:22:47

Well, I say, "This is not trick or treating, is it?"

0:22:470:22:50

Strictly speaking, this is a mugging. Let's call it what it is.

0:22:500:22:54

Right. Pressure.

0:22:540:22:57

Feel it, all the time, pressure to conform, to be tough.

0:22:570:23:00

For boys, little boys, younger and younger - that pressure to be tough.

0:23:000:23:05

To be gangsta.

0:23:050:23:07

I mean, I have two little girls, I've got a five-year-old

0:23:070:23:10

and an eight-year-old. Don't have to worry about toughness as such.

0:23:100:23:13

They're cool - but some of their little friends?

0:23:130:23:16

Where I live, kind of a rough area,

0:23:160:23:18

type of place estate agents might describe to you as vibrant, right?

0:23:180:23:22

Where I live, some of the little boys? Sheesh!

0:23:240:23:29

Listen, I will have play dates for everybody in my block,

0:23:290:23:33

I don't mind, I love having little kids around, you know,

0:23:330:23:36

if it's raining, stick on a DVD.

0:23:360:23:39

Lion King, something like that.

0:23:390:23:40

You know and it's cute watching them - when the scary bits come on, they all hide their faces

0:23:400:23:44

behind the cushions and stuff. But there's this one kid, this little boy from the flat upstairs,

0:23:440:23:48

When the scary bits come on he's just like, "Yeaaaah!

0:23:480:23:52

HE GROWLS

0:23:530:23:54

"Yeah, that's right.

0:23:570:23:59

"Scar does not piss about, bruv!"

0:23:590:24:02

He's six, six. Terrifying!

0:24:060:24:10

Right, I took a whole bunch of them to Hackney Empire,

0:24:100:24:13

East London, last Christmas,

0:24:130:24:15

to watch a panto - you know, not out of a kind of a bleeding heart

0:24:150:24:18

let's-go-on-a-residential kind of - no!

0:24:180:24:20

I just wanted to study this little kid a little longer.

0:24:200:24:23

I wanted to see what made this little prick tick, right?

0:24:230:24:26

I wanted to know, right.

0:24:260:24:28

And we all sat down the front, and erm, the narrator,

0:24:280:24:32

the narrator, he minced on talking about,

0:24:320:24:35

"Now if you see the naughty man, will you let me know?"

0:24:350:24:40

I'm looking at this kid - he's just sat there like,

0:24:400:24:43

"Nah, ain't no snitches in here, fam."

0:24:430:24:45

LAUGHTER

0:24:450:24:47

I remember that age, though. I remember that age. Wasn't that long ago, it was a while back.

0:24:520:24:57

You know what I wanted to be when I was that age - I wanted to be a rapper. Believe it or not.

0:24:570:25:01

I never, I never really felt like I had a tough enough background,

0:25:010:25:04

you know - I'd never been to prison. You know?

0:25:040:25:09

And I wasn't one of those kids,

0:25:090:25:10

I knew kids who would do just enough crime, in order to get just

0:25:100:25:13

the requisite amount of time behind bars to boast about, you know?

0:25:130:25:18

I was never one of those. I don't think I could maintain that

0:25:180:25:21

tough facade, behind bars...in fact, even just using words like facade.

0:25:210:25:25

LAUGHTER

0:25:250:25:27

Probably blow my cover...

0:25:290:25:31

relatively early.

0:25:310:25:33

No, but I do, I still have fond memories, being a teen,

0:25:340:25:39

sat around with my mates.

0:25:390:25:41

Throwing topics at each other to do like freestyle

0:25:410:25:44

rhymes about, you know.

0:25:440:25:46

If anyone had er, offer, offer, like maybe suggest police... Hah!

0:25:460:25:51

The P word! Yeah, guaranteed someone would jump up like, "Yo!

0:25:510:25:56

"Nah, nah, check this out - yo, yo! Yo?

0:25:560:25:58

"Yo, I just want to, live my life but feds keep watching me."

0:26:010:26:04

Yeah.

0:26:070:26:08

"Every second man, po-leece are clocking me.

0:26:100:26:14

"So many times I get this in a day.

0:26:140:26:16

"Somebody tell me why they discriminate.

0:26:160:26:20

"I'm on my way to a weed sale...

0:26:210:26:23

"got the drugs in the car, by the knife, no seat belt.

0:26:250:26:29

"Whoa. Uh, yeah.

0:26:300:26:34

"No wing mirror.

0:26:340:26:35

"No licence,

0:26:350:26:38

"and my nephew taught me how to drive this.

0:26:380:26:41

"Cocaine and a big glass of rum, too.

0:26:430:26:46

"Shoot my gun in the air through the sunroof.

0:26:460:26:48

"Whoo, whoo! Oh man, I don't believe this!

0:26:500:26:55

"Prejudiced policeman - what's the reason?

0:26:550:26:58

"Yo, yo."

0:26:580:27:01

APPLAUSE

0:27:010:27:05

"Hmm. My gun, my knife - my drugs you want to take?

0:27:050:27:09

"My bootleg DVDs you confiscate? And now I can't drink and drive?

0:27:090:27:14

"Why won't these pigs let me live my life, like

0:27:140:27:18

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

0:27:180:27:20

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

0:27:200:27:23

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

0:27:230:27:26

"Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!"

0:27:290:27:30

And it's an awkward moment, right - it's an awkward moment,

0:27:300:27:35

in that room, you know, cos, I'm amongst friends here.

0:27:350:27:39

And they're looking at me for some kind of response, you know - "Hnn, hnn, hnn, hnn!

0:27:400:27:44

I don't know what to say.

0:27:450:27:47

So I'm stood there like an idiot, going, "Yeah, yeaaaah, bruv.

0:27:470:27:52

"Bloody...police."

0:27:540:27:57

"Grrrr!

0:27:590:28:02

"Clamping down on...illegal activity."

0:28:020:28:06

Ladies and gents, thanks very much. I'm Doc Brown. Peace, good night!

0:28:140:28:18

APPLAUSE

0:28:180:28:22

Doc Brown!

0:28:220:28:25

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:28:270:28:29

please give it up for the acts you saw tonight, you saw Chris Ramsey!

0:28:290:28:32

And you saw Doc Brown!

0:28:320:28:34

Good night, God bless, thank you!

0:28:360:28:38

The roll call of stand-ups who have performed in front of the famous Live at the Apollo lights plays out like a who's who of comedic royalty and this series is no different. Each episode will see a national favourite stand-up acting as compere and performing to the audience before introducing two of the best stand-ups currently on the UK comedy circuit. In this second episode, funny man Jason Manford is your host as he introduces two of comedy's biggest stars; the wonderful Chris Ramsey and the delightful Doc Brown.


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