Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


Episode 3

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. The sometimes controversial Frankie Boyle introduces sets from Simon Evans and Aisling Bea.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Frankie Boyle!

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CHEERING

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Hello!

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AUDIENCE: Hello!

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Hello and welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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I'm quite surprised that they've let me on as well,

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if that's any comfort.

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HE LAUGHS

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I've got a lovely theatre,

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I've got two fantastic comedians to introduce to you tonight,

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I've got a lovely audience to talk to...

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I looked right into your eyes when I said that, mate. How you doing?

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You have made an effort there, haven't you, man?

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You have made an effort with the Peaky Blinders hairstyle there.

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And it's like putting 26 inch rims

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on a wheelie bin.

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We've got some famous celebrities to talk to tonight.

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And some not-so famous.

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Some of the celebrities here tonight,

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when I was researching the show, I had to start their Wikipedia page.

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There are celebrities in here who don't get to asked

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to turn on the Christmas lights

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in their own house.

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You're talking about people who are 18 months away

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from being quite a tricky tie-breaker in a pub quiz.

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I'm only kidding. We're got some, er, famous faces in.

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Who have we got? We've got Jameela Jamil.

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How you doing, Jameela? You all right?

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It's exciting for me, cos you present the Radio One Chart Show.

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You get to tell the nation what is number one every week.

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And the only way that could be more exciting, I think,

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would be if it was 20 years ago,

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when anybody gave a shit.

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Who else have we got? We've got people from Holby, haven't we?

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We've got Hugh Quarshie. Where's Hugh? Hugh, how you doing?

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You're a fantastic actor. You've been in the RSC and everything.

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You've been in Holby for a long time, right, so I have a theory

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that if someone had a heart attack over here, we could whisk you over

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and just suck all of the drama out of the situation.

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We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year,

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a great choice of venue.

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A place where people think that hepatitis B

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is a vitamin.

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I don't really trust these big sporting occasions, you know?

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The Olympics - a lot of that stuff is just for rich people.

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Dressage. Yachting.

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I don't remember that at school.

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-POSHLY:

-Yachting tomorrow class so remember, bring in your boats.

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A lot of people find the Paralympics inspiring.

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I just found it depressing.

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I can't throw a discus

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and I've got arms.

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Oscar Pistorius. Pistorius, to me,

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sounds like a spell that Harry Potter would say

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to make your legs drop off.

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When he gets out of jail,

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his next girlfriend is going to get ready in a hurry.

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"I thought you were running a bath?"

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"No, I just threw some dungarees on. Let's go!"

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I hope a jail bully steals his legs,

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walks about being nine foot six.

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I don't like the Commonwealth

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cos the Commonwealth is the old British Empire.

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It's called the Commonwealth because Britain

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stole all those countries' wealth and then went, "Come on!"

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The whole Empire was founded on cocaine.

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Everybody was on cocaine. The remedies had cocaine in them.

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Queen Victoria was on cocaine.

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And not the shit you take!

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You've never done a line and gone,

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"Let's invade India!"

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We had the referendum up in Scotland.

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It was won by the No Campaign and Alistair Darling.

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I thought it'd be good if when he won,

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Alistair Darling's eyebrows had finally turned into butterflies.

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And he wasn't even able to look surprised about it.

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David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter.

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An open letter because he couldn't work out

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how to get it into the envelope.

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People said that during the campaign that I was anti-English.

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I couldn't be more pro-English.

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I thought the best thing for independence would have been

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if England had won the World Cup.

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Cos you would have been so unbearable

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that we would have to leave.

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Whatever happens next, I think

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it's important that Scotland does something

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that puts England on the back foot, something that England won't expect.

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And the last thing that you're expecting

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is for us to form an Islamic Caliphate.

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IS - Independent Scotland. We can do this.

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OK, we'll have to learn how to treat women slightly better,

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but we can change.

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I think people don't understand enough

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about international politics, do they?

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In Scotland, people think that NATO

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is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes.

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-Keep up.

-HE LAUGHS

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Ed Miliband came up for the referendum.

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Now I'm going to go out on a limb here

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and say I don't think Ed Miliband will win the election.

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Because if he can't persuade his own face to do what he tells it to...

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Ed Miliband said he wanted to militarise the Scottish border.

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Can you imagine being a Scottish border guard,

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having to do cavity searches

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just to keep your hands warm.

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Holding back the English refugees at Newcastle.

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Newcastle being the first city in history

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that turned into a refugee camp,

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and got less mental.

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-IN NEWCASTLE ACCENT:

-Well, things are actually a lot more civilised

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now that we're ruled over by a horse militia.

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We live in a kind of porn culture now. Don't we?

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You see that thing on porn search engines, where it goes,

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"Make this your home page."

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Who does that?

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Who wakes up in the morning, switches their computer on,

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is confronted with hardcore pornography and thinks,

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"I'm home!"

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Animals don't watch porn, do they?

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Unless you include my cat.

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I think what it's led to...

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It's led to men not really understanding

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what sex is like for women any more.

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I often think it must be more intense

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to let someone inside your body.

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I feel awkward just letting the gas man into the hallway.

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If you get offended by any jokes tonight, by the way,

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feel free to tweet your outrage

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on a mobile phone made by a ten-year-old in China.

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Cos that's what Santa Claus does the other 364 days of the year.

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He travels round the world

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apologising to all the children who actually make the presents.

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"Sorry about that, Wo Ling Ho.

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"Still, tea break's over. Back to work, son."

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People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

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But I think it was a fitting metaphor

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for his company's attitude

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to battery life.

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I hope that they buried him in a coffin

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with a great big crack in the lid.

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Read a thing that said a woman died after drinking 18 litres of Coke.

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She ate a packet of Mentos

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and they found her head three miles away.

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Piers Morgan says that women send him knickers through the post.

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Presumably with the message,

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"From one twat to another."

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I don't really understand TV, to be honest.

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I don't understand why Ant and Dec go to the jungle every year

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when it's the only place that's hot enough for Ant's head to hatch.

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The thing that happens to you, I think, in your forties

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as a man where you suddenly realise that you're a dad.

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And not in a good way. You realise that you're a 42-year-old

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father-of-two who says lame dad stuff.

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And you will never be cool again.

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And this happened to me last week. I was in Covent Garden

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and I was trying to cross the road at the traffic lights.

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There was a guy beside me, a beautiful male model.

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A Californian guy. A beautiful man.

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And because he was American, he was looking the wrong way into traffic.

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And he stepped out in front of a moving car.

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And I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back

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onto the pavement and he had no idea how close he'd come to dying.

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And he said, "What was that car's problem?"

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And I went,

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"Look both ways, Zoolander!"

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Do you know what my kids got me for fathers' day?

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They got me that shower gel, mint tea tree gel.

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No-one had warned me about that.

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I thought my arsehole was going to burst into song!

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They always say, don't they? When you're telling your kids off,

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stay positive.

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Don't be too negative. And I agree with that.

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But sometimes you're standing there thinking,

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"I don't see anything positive about this.

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"You have shat on my rug...

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"And I am struggling to find an upside."

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You can't hit your kids, obviously, but there's nothing that says

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that you can't tamper with the breaks on their heelies.

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My son's six now so it's actually quite difficult to punish him.

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What I do is I tuck his bedclothes in really, really tight

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and hope that he has a nightmare

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where he's trapped in a giant's pocket.

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I think it's sad when people medicate their children

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for behavioural problems, when it's so much easier

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to just drug yourself.

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You know the saddest thing?

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You spend the first year teaching them to say Dad.

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"Say Dad, Daddy, Dada."

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And now they're like, "DAAAAD!"

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And I'm like, "Shut up, will you?

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"I'm on Tinder trying to find us a new mum."

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We're bombing Iraq now. We're calling it humanitarian bombing.

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There's no such thing as humanitarian bombing, is there?

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It's always about oil or power. Not humanitarianism.

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That's why you never get stopped by someone in the streets saying,

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"Hi, I'm from Oxfam and for just £12 a month,

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"we could really blow the shit out of something."

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And who are we blowing up? IS?

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Remember last year they said, "Oh, we need to bomb Syria.

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"Help the rebels. They're the good guys."

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Who were the rebels? IS.

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The same people. They've gone from being loved

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to hated and despised in a year

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and they haven't even had to win the X Factor to make that happen.

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Britain as a culture runs on hypocrisy.

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David Cameron went to Sri Lanka.

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He told the Sri Lankans off for human rights abuses

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that they committed with weapons that Britain sold to them.

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Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.

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We sent Prince Harry to Afghanistan,

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because when you want to teach people about democracy,

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you send them a prince!

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You teach them about peace and democracy

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by having a prince shoot at them from a helicopter!

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-You ready for your first act, ladies and gentlemen?

-CHEERING

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Please, give it up and show a lot of love

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to Aisling Bea!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello!

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Hello, The Apollo, are you well?

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CHEERING

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Oh, I'm delighted. I'm delighted to be here, really.

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Because I actually haven't been well recently.

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-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Oh, no, stop it.

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Honestly, I don't want to talk about it, er, but if you insist...

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I really haven't though, so that's why I'm delighted to get here today.

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I was rushed to A & E recently with terrible abdominal problems.

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Just hideous pains all up and down my tummy and around my sides.

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And I was rushed to A & E and for about three hours I thought,

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erm, and anyone here who ever read a magazine as a teenager

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will know what I mean, especially the girls,

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I thought that I was about to have a surprise baby.

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You know the way there's always stories in the magazines going,

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"Well, everything was normal. Nothing was different.

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"Everything was regular but then I went to the toilet

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"and I looked in the toilet

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"and there was a baby in the toilet.

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"I'd had a surprise baby."

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There was always that sort of... And that's what I thought it was.

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But, erm, you'll be happy to know that actually it was, er...

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I'm bringing sexy back,

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a gut infection.

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A gut infection.

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But the worst part of, of the whole situation was

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that the doctor in A & E was really, really handsome.

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And I just... I think

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doctors who are handsome should be struck off, I really do.

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Er, I want someone with a sort of mashed potato head

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that I could feel at one with.

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But instead, this man was really handsome. He said to me,

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"Oh, er, what seems to be the problem?"

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And I was like, "Oh... Well, doctor, my problem is that...

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"I'm too cute!

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"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Chase me! Chase me!"

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How could I tell him that I thought I was having a surprise baby

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or else I was waiting for a poo? I mean, I couldn't, you know.

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"And once we find out which one it is,

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"do you want to go for a drink?"

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It's really quite terrible.

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But the doctor did get quite worried about me.

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He was like, "Aisling, you're going to have to get out of the house

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"during the day."

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And I was like, "Doc, I'd love to,

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"but my naps are not going to take themselves. Soz."

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Erm, but my, er, my mother was equally worried, she was like,

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"Aisling, try and get out of the house and maybe do some exercise.

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"Build up your strength and your muscle. Do a bit of exercise."

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But I actually find it highly offensive

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that my mother would suggest that I do exercise,

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because she knows that I actually suffer from a terrible disability

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which prevents me from doing any exercise

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which is where I can't, erm...

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I can't, er...

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be arsed!

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I can't be arsed. I really just can't be arsed.

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I just kinda can't be.

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And I would love to be arsed.

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I would love to be one of those people who's naturally arsed

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to do things but I just sort of can't be.

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And, I mean, my disability affects me in so many ways.

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Erm, my ability to clean the bottom of the dustbin.

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Er, ring my aunties back at Christmas.

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I would love to, but I just sort of can't be arsed to, unfortunately.

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I mean, I just don't like moving too much.

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I would sort of rather sit on the couch and waste away...than move.

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I don't really like moving too much. I don't even listen to sad music

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in case I'll be moved.

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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And I think the reason that I don't like exercise

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is because the school I went to didn't have much money,

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so the sports facilities weren't great.

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And so a lot of the sort of sport and exercise we used to do,

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used to leave us really, er...

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pregnant. Really pregnant.

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So the habit's just not there.

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It really isn't, and I would love to be...

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I would love to be into exercising and stuff but I just can't be arsed.

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I'll be honest.

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Erm, and you know, people... I did get, er, tricked

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into going to a Pilates class,

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because I thought it was pronounced Pilots.

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I was there for about 15 minutes going,

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"I wonder when they're going to let us fly the planes?"

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Er, my friend, Brona, suggested that I do something social

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like ping pong, table tennis.

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Ping pong ta... I mean, I just... The ball moves too fast.

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I can never see it. To me, ping pong just looks like two perverts

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spanking a ghost.

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Just don't understand it.

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Do you know what I get a buzz out of?

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Sitting down.

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Holler!

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I love sitting down.

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I do, I love sitting down, I even tried to do this gig sitting down

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but they said they couldn't legally classify it as stand-up.

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Hi-oh!

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Erm, but, yes, I really do love sitting down.

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You know the way you always hear those stories

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in the tabloids about those men who are found

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sat down in a chair, dead and alone, and they hadn't been found for days

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and they were sat there, covered in their own wee. Oh, no!

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What those stories never mention,

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is the smile on that man's face.

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But my mother, er... My mother said to me, she was like,

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"Aisling, if you don't start doing exercise

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"then you could end up becoming fat-thin."

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And I said, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all of his carpenter friends,

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"what is fat-thin?"

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"Oh, Aisling, I read about it in a woman's magazine."

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A women's magazine. The only targets in women's magazines

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are other women.

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"Fat-thin, is where you're thin

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"but you're secretly fat cos you don't do any exercise.

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"You can also be thin-fat, fat-fat,

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thin-thin, too fat, too thin,

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"thin in the wrong place, thin in the right place,

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"fat in the wrong place, fat in the right place,

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"but no matter what you do no, matter what you try,

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"you are definitely wrong!"

0:18:560:18:59

And I said, "Mother, as if I don't have enough problems

0:19:000:19:03

"in my life trying to walk down the street at night and not get raped,

0:19:030:19:06

"trying to live in a society where 25-year-old women

0:19:060:19:08

"are sticking plastic and poison in their faces

0:19:080:19:11

"so by the time they get to their forties and fifties,

0:19:110:19:13

"they've nothing left to do to themselves

0:19:130:19:15

"but pull out their eyeballs and stick babies' eyeballs in instead.

0:19:150:19:18

"We live in a world where it's a tragedy to die young

0:19:180:19:20

"so we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer

0:19:200:19:22

"but no-one wants to do anything as unnatural as look older.

0:19:220:19:25

"'Oh, no, wouldn't that be mad to look older and be older?'

0:19:250:19:28

"So we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer

0:19:280:19:30

"but we look younger so by the time we die aged 100 in a box

0:19:300:19:33

"we look like we've died tragically young.

0:19:330:19:35

"We live in a world where they have developed telephones,

0:19:350:19:37

"without plugs that can send a picture of a cat

0:19:370:19:41

"from one side of the world to the other side of the world

0:19:410:19:43

"in under a second

0:19:430:19:44

"and they are still trying to come up with faster telephones,

0:19:440:19:47

"yet still after 200,000 years of humanity,

0:19:470:19:50

"we have not come up with a better way to have a baby child

0:19:500:19:53

"than to push something the size of a bowling ball

0:19:530:19:56

"out my tiny hole!

0:19:560:19:59

"And now I have to worry about being fat-thin?!"

0:19:590:20:02

I said, "Go shove it up your floop, Mother!"

0:20:050:20:07

I didn't actually tell my mother

0:20:100:20:12

to go and shove it up her floop.

0:20:120:20:14

Erm...

0:20:150:20:16

I agreed to go to a Zumba class.

0:20:160:20:18

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely lovely,

0:20:200:20:22

I've been Aisling Bea. Have a fantastic evening!

0:20:220:20:25

Give it up for Aisling!

0:20:300:20:32

CHEERING

0:20:320:20:34

Now I know what you're thinking, English people.

0:20:370:20:39

You're thinking, "I'd like an English voice to come on

0:20:390:20:42

"so I could stop translating your Scottish accent in my head

0:20:420:20:46

"before I got the jokes."

0:20:460:20:48

Er, you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen,

0:20:480:20:50

please welcome a very funny and very dry English comedian,

0:20:500:20:53

Mr Simon Evans!

0:20:530:20:56

CHEERING

0:20:560:20:58

Thank you.

0:21:030:21:04

Thank you very much. Good evening. How are you, you well?

0:21:060:21:09

CHEERING

0:21:090:21:10

I'll tell you a little bit about myself.

0:21:100:21:12

I'm 49 years of age. I live on the south coast with my wife.

0:21:120:21:16

We got married quite quickly,

0:21:160:21:17

unfortunately we left it too late to have children.

0:21:170:21:19

But we went ahead and had them anyway,

0:21:190:21:22

which was a mistake in my view, but there we are.

0:21:220:21:24

Couple of children. We've had... We've had an interesting trajectory,

0:21:260:21:29

through the British Isles. I met my wife...

0:21:290:21:31

I'd just bought my first flat - it was just north of King's Cross,

0:21:310:21:34

rather disreputable area in North London.

0:21:340:21:36

Famous red-light district. And it was true, we had prostitutes

0:21:360:21:39

right outside our own front door which is...

0:21:390:21:42

handy, some of you are thinking.

0:21:420:21:43

But, believe me, you don't want to shit on your own doorstep.

0:21:450:21:49

Which is a service they offer, incidentally, and, er...

0:21:490:21:52

It's interesting. I mean, I quite like gritty, urban areas,

0:21:540:21:57

to be honest. It makes your own life seem quite desirable by comparison.

0:21:570:22:00

King's Cross certainly fitted that bill.

0:22:000:22:02

A lot of homeless people on the streets,

0:22:020:22:04

or possibly just outdoor lager enthusiasts. But they seemed to be...

0:22:040:22:08

very committed to it if they did have a home to go to.

0:22:080:22:10

As a rule, I don't want to tar them all with the same brush,

0:22:120:22:14

although if you sleep on the road

0:22:140:22:16

that will happen sooner or later but...

0:22:160:22:17

I do think it's a bit ironic the favourite drink of the homeless

0:22:190:22:22

should be a beer called Tennent's.

0:22:220:22:24

That must rankle, mustn't it?

0:22:260:22:28

The trick is, as it is with all commerce, of course,

0:22:320:22:34

is to make people think they're buying into a lifestyle

0:22:340:22:36

they can't really afford and we all fall for it at every station in life.

0:22:360:22:39

I myself, I recently bought myself a divers' watch.

0:22:390:22:42

Ridiculous affectation. I have no need for it.

0:22:420:22:44

It's covered in dials, good for up to 100 meters of water pressure.

0:22:440:22:47

It's got a shark-resistant strap.

0:22:470:22:48

I think to be honest, if all he wants is your watch,

0:22:500:22:52

it's probably best to let him have it, really.

0:22:520:22:54

I'm no expert but they're fairly ferocious negotiators, aren't they,

0:22:560:22:59

the old sharks?

0:22:590:23:00

I think only a fool would allow an argument to escalate over a watch.

0:23:000:23:03

"Can't seem to bite through this. I know, I'll try the arm."

0:23:050:23:08

I don't know. Never faced a shark. The only diving I ever do,

0:23:110:23:14

it's considered very bad manners to check your watch.

0:23:140:23:16

Must admit, the luminous dial has come in handy but that's...

0:23:210:23:25

That's more coincidence than planning.

0:23:250:23:26

If I'm 100 metres deep, I'm getting out of there, which of course...

0:23:280:23:31

..is unlikely to happen cos I'm a happily married man,

0:23:320:23:35

so let's be clear that that's an entirely hypothetical scenario.

0:23:350:23:38

I am happily married and I made a good choice of wife.

0:23:410:23:44

She actually moved in as a lodger initially.

0:23:440:23:46

I remembered it was about 13, 14 years ago.

0:23:460:23:48

My wife moved in as a lodger.

0:23:480:23:51

And one week the rent fell a bit short and one thing led to another

0:23:510:23:53

and, er...

0:23:530:23:54

There we were, in a dance as old as time.

0:23:570:24:00

That's what you had to do in the days before internet dating, you see,

0:24:000:24:03

set a bit of a honey trap.

0:24:030:24:04

"Cash point at this time of night around here?

0:24:060:24:09

"I shouldn't think so, no..."

0:24:090:24:10

But it was wonderful, to be honest,

0:24:150:24:16

it was a lovely time. It was a golden age.

0:24:160:24:18

You don't always know you're living through them

0:24:180:24:20

but looking back I remembered she was very accommodating.

0:24:200:24:23

My job isn't the easiest for somebody to accommodate.

0:24:230:24:25

I'd get home late at night,

0:24:250:24:26

but she'd be waiting with a bottle of wine, that was nice.

0:24:260:24:29

Sunday mornings she'd let me have a lie-in.

0:24:290:24:31

We might share a pot of coffee over the Sunday papers

0:24:310:24:33

then walk hand in hand through a craft market, something like that.

0:24:330:24:37

Looking back, it sounds a bit shit, I realise, but...

0:24:370:24:39

..at the time, filtered through the haze of romantic infatuation,

0:24:400:24:46

it seemed very agreeable, so I proposed and she accepted.

0:24:460:24:48

We got married. She said, "Let's start a family."

0:24:480:24:50

I said, "Of course, darling." Because I didn't think it through.

0:24:500:24:54

Next thing you know, you're running a small, badly-funded

0:24:540:24:57

correctional facility together, aren't you?

0:24:570:24:59

That's all it is.

0:25:000:25:02

However much various commercial organisations dress it up.

0:25:020:25:05

Imagine you started a small business with somebody.

0:25:060:25:09

It goes well. You move into profit. You open a second branch.

0:25:090:25:11

Everything is going swimmingly.

0:25:110:25:13

Suddenly one day, they turn to you and say, "This is good.

0:25:130:25:15

"What do you say we get a troupe of baboons in to run the post room?"

0:25:150:25:18

That's the equivalent. Let's see how that goes.

0:25:210:25:25

I'm sorry, I can't pretend otherwise.

0:25:270:25:28

I resent their presence in my life. I do. They are...

0:25:280:25:31

They are nice enough kids,

0:25:320:25:35

objectively,

0:25:350:25:36

but why do they have to live with me? It makes no sense at all.

0:25:360:25:38

But I try and be young.

0:25:410:25:42

I try and be young for the children. I allowed a dog into our house.

0:25:420:25:45

About a year ago, not just for the day, I mean we bought a dog.

0:25:450:25:50

I'm not that harsh. It was against my inclinations, I have to say,

0:25:500:25:53

to be honest, but, er, 12 months on and I wish we'd done it years ago.

0:25:530:25:57

Because then it might be dead by now.

0:25:570:25:59

It has been without doubt the most catastrophic decision,

0:26:020:26:05

but this is my wife's doing again. My wife is very pro-active.

0:26:050:26:07

She likes to see things happen.

0:26:070:26:09

She is adventurous and she likes to take on projects.

0:26:090:26:11

She went to Trail Finders, I think,

0:26:110:26:13

and came back with a brochure entitled The Parks.

0:26:130:26:15

A huge thing, about an inch thick.

0:26:150:26:17

Detailing all the amusement parks you can visit in Florida

0:26:170:26:20

if you're so minded. You've seen the advertisements on the television.

0:26:200:26:23

I was watching one with my wife.

0:26:230:26:24

Two children, about the same age as ours,

0:26:240:26:26

little tears of joy and wonder springing in their eyes

0:26:260:26:29

as they gazed up at the fireworks exploding over the princess castle.

0:26:290:26:32

My wife turned to me and said, not as you might expect,

0:26:320:26:34

"Christ, will you look at that shit. Can you believe it?"

0:26:340:26:37

Unaccountably, she said, "You know, our kids would love that,

0:26:380:26:40

"but they're getting to the age where it would be perfect.

0:26:400:26:43

"Soon it will be too late. Matilda will be a teenager.

0:26:430:26:45

"There will be sarcasm and eye rolling.

0:26:450:26:47

"If you want to give them that experience, it's now or never."

0:26:470:26:49

And I thought, "Great, so never is an option, right?"

0:26:490:26:52

But it turns out, no. In fact, that was a rhetorical device.

0:26:540:26:57

The correct answer is now.

0:26:590:27:01

I thought, "Well, this doesn't look like my cup of tea

0:27:010:27:03

"but the kids will love it, I suppose.

0:27:030:27:05

"How bad can it be, really?

0:27:050:27:06

"It'll be no worse than visiting a fairground

0:27:060:27:08

"on an uncomfortably hot day

0:27:080:27:10

"and chucking four grand in a bin on the way out." That's roughly...

0:27:100:27:13

That's roughly what I was braced for.

0:27:130:27:15

In reality, it is actually far worse than that.

0:27:200:27:23

More like eight grand, by the time we were finished.

0:27:260:27:29

But also the heat, the humidity, the confusion, the jet lag,

0:27:290:27:32

which I hadn't factored in, my general state,

0:27:320:27:34

my mood was not a good one.

0:27:340:27:35

I remember it was on about the fourth day in some un-nameable park

0:27:350:27:38

and I was really about to lose my rag with some furry-faced idiot

0:27:380:27:41

who I didn't even recognise from any movie I've ever seen,

0:27:410:27:44

who'd allowed me to stand in the wrong queue for half an hour,

0:27:440:27:47

when I felt a little tug at my sleeve and I looked down

0:27:470:27:49

and there was my son, Edward, four years of age as he was at that time,

0:27:490:27:52

and he looked up at me and he had tears sparkling in his eyes,

0:27:520:27:55

just like in the advert.

0:27:550:27:56

And he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy...

0:27:560:27:58

"This is bollocks."

0:27:590:28:00

It makes my heart swell even telling you the story now.

0:28:040:28:08

I'm not sure it wasn't worth eight grand just to have it confirmed.

0:28:080:28:11

It's a DNA test with a bit of polish on it, that was.

0:28:120:28:16

That's all from me, folks. You've been a wonderful audience.

0:28:160:28:18

Thanks very much indeed. Take care. Thank you, good night!

0:28:180:28:21

CHEERING

0:28:210:28:23

Mr Simon Evans there, ladies and gentlemen!

0:28:290:28:31

CHEERING

0:28:310:28:33

Thank you. You've been a fantastic crowd.

0:28:360:28:38

Let's hear it for the two acts we saw, for Aisling and for Simon!

0:28:380:28:41

CHEERING

0:28:410:28:44

You all take care of yourselves, Britain.

0:28:440:28:47

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