Christmas Special Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight, Nina Conti.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

Happy Christmas!

Thank you.

Hey!

I'll just get my tiny monkey out of this massive bag.

-Come on out, Monkey.

-Hello, happy Christmas, everybody.

Here we are. How long have I got?

You can do it as long as you want,

now I'm not wearing my vibrating watch.

Well, thank God for that.

-Can I say hello to the audience?

-Yes, of course you can say hello.

Hello. Hi. How are you all doing?

CHEERING

-What's your name?

-Is it on your T-shirt?

Is your name Charly?

-Yeah.

-Charly. Excellent. Nice to meet you.

-Are you guys friends or lovers?

-Please tell me lovers.

-Do you know each other?

-Yeah, 22 years.

22 years?

Have you had Christmas together, ever?

Yeah, we think so.

-You've done a Christmas together?

-What did you get each other?

-Couldn't possibly say it on telly.

-You couldn't possibly say it?

Oh, God. It's pornographic. I knew this...

Distasteful.

So, listen, Charly.

I'm looking for someone to play the role of Santa.

OK.

Do you think you can do that?

You're a bit slutty, but I think that's...

I think that's why I'm drawn to you, Charly.

So, Charly, what do you do?

Freelance in fashion.

-You're a freelance in fashion.

-Excellent. Yeah, that'll do for Santa.

That'll work.

So, Charly, could you join us on the stage?

Can we give Charly a round of applause? Thank you so much.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-There's some stairs there.

-Yeah, there are some stairs.

Fantastic.

-Freelance in fashion.

-Yeah, excellent.

Oh, yeah, it does go with the outfit. Yeah.

It always ...

Thanks, Charly.

Ah, nice. Wonderful.

OK. Charly.

-Very happy.

-You're very happy?

Very happy to play Santa. So glad you chose me.

I think it very modern to have a lady Santa.

-Yes.

-Do you have outfit for me?

-Yes, there's an outfit in there.

-Oh, fantastic.

-May I go in?

-Yes, it's just here. This thing.

Oh, wonderful. I put it on.

I'm so interested in fashion, you know?

Which leg goes in which trouser?

-So complicated, trousers, don't you find?

-Yes, they can be.

You don't know.

I mean, you have these legs and they go in.

-That's lovely.

-Oh, there I am. It's going to get very Christmassy.

-Lovely.

-Yeah, it's good. Yeah?

-Yeah, it's very good.

-Thank you, everybody.

APPLAUSE

That's wonderful.

-So, Charly...

-Woo! Let's get Christmassy.

-Let's get Christmassy.

-What are we holding back for?

Santa needs a reindeer.

-Santa needs a reindeer?

-Yes.

-OK. Do you want to choose your reindeer?

-Very much.

-Let's go and have a look.

-Let's choose a nice reindeer.

So, do you want male or female?

-I want male, please.

-OK.

The one there in the second row.

This guy here with the scarf?

Yes, he is very nice. I'd like him to be my reindeer.

-So, what's your name?

-Tell us, please, who you are.

-Lewis.

-Lewis.

-Lew-is!

Come be Santa's reindeer.

Thank you, Lewis.

-Would you come and join us?

-And this guy.

-Which guy?

-This guy here.

-That one there?

-In the peach top.

-What's your name?

-Chris.

-Chris.

-Chris and Lewis.

It almost makes a sound like Christmas.

Chris and Lewis, everybody. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Whilst I put these masks on Chris and Lewis, I'm going to give

you this, and then you can squeeze it and you can still talk.

-Is that OK?

-Yes!

I understand.

-You're Lewis.

-Yeah.

-Tell me, who are you?

-I'm Lewis.

You're Lewis.

-That's great.

-I do youth work.

You do youth work. Excellent. Of course.

-Yeah, you're Lewis.

-My ears are going to look terrible.

Your ears aren't going to look terrible.

Don't be worried about things like this.

-Do my ears look all right?

-Yeah, they look all right.

I knew my ears were going to look terrible.

-No, they don't. They look fine, Lewis.

-I'm Lewis!

Yes, you are.

-I'm Lewis, everyone.

-They know that.

Hello.

-Fantastic.

-I'm Lewis.

-I know that.

We know that is your name.

-Yes, but does everyone know?

-Everybody does know.

-I'm just Lewis.

-OK.

Listen, I'm just going to put this on.

-Yes, but I'm Lewis.

-I know you are.

That's me. Lewis.

OK.

-And you're Chris?

-Yeah.

-Chris, who are you?

-I'm a chef.

-You're a chef?

-Yeah.

-Are you French?

-No.

-Oh. I thought you sounded like it. Maybe you will be now.

LAUGHTER

Your name is Chris.

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I'm Chris.

-OK.

-Are you French?

-Currently, I am.

I love it!

-I am chef.

-You are a chef.

Are you looking forward to cooking Christmas lunch?

-I love it.

-You don't love it?

-I'm Lewis.

-You're Lewis. We know that.

-I'm Lewis.

-OK.

And over there, we have Charly. Are you OK?

Yes, I'm OK.

OK, so now that you're good at that,

do you want to take hold of Chris and Lewis?

-Because they are my reindeers.

-Yes.

Reindeers, please, on all fours.

Get down.

Get down, Lewis. Get down, Chris.

-OK. So you guys are the reindeers.

-Yes.

-You have a headband for them?

-Yes.

God, there's so much management going on.

So, um, could you squeeze Lewis, so I can talk to him?

-Lewis?

-Yes. I am Lewis.

Yes, we know that.

Chris?

Yes.

You're French?

-I love it!

-OK. Good.

OK.

You've got your reindeers, now. Are you happy?

Very happy.

Now, with Chris and Lewis, my two reindeers,

we shall now fly off this stage.

Do you...? Do you fly, guys?

-Yes.

-OK.

-Lewis, do you fly?

-Yes, I do.

-It's my technique. I flap.

-You flap.

-What's your technique, Chris?

-I go like a plane.

OK. Beautiful.

-Good reindeers you've got.

-I choose always the best reindeers.

-Santa knows best.

-OK.

So, on the count of three, reindeers,

we're going to fly off this stage.

-OK, Lewis?

-Yes.

I sprinkle magic dust...

..and we fly.

-This way, guys.

-This way, guys. This way.

Oh, you bloody idiots.

-Bloody idiot reindeer.

-Don't be so mean to them.

No, they go the wrong way.

I can't train these bloody things. This is ridiculous.

Come with me. Come outside. Outside.

Put your antlers back on, you bloody idiots.

-Don't be so rude to them.

-They need a hard, hard hand.

-OK.

-Come on, off this stage.

-Come on, guys.

-Fly!

Fly, guys. Fly.

-Fly, guys.

-Well done.

-Fly. This way.

-Beautiful.

Well done. Well done,

Chris, Lewis and Charly.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

OK. So, guys, it is, um...

It's time to welcome your first act of the evening.

My God, this woman is incredible. You're going to love her.

Please welcome Tanyalee Davis, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carey

That's right. Some people carry a briefcase to work.

I carry a step-stool.

Hello!

CHEERING

Merry Christmas. Yeah?

It's all right, I can still feel the tension in the room.

Some of you are a little shocked.

Don't feel sorry for me. I get it all the time.

"Oh, look. She's ginger."

I feel like I need to educate people

on how to interact with little people.

You know, there is a code of conduct.

It's kind of like dealing with Gremlins -

which is my favourite Christmas movie.

I've actually come up with three major rules.

If you come across another little person,

obviously, you've got to be respectful.

You've got to think of little people, like Gremlins. Right?

Rule number one, don't pat us on the head.

That's right. It's beneath you people.

Rule number two, don't pick us up.

You know you want to, don't you, sir?

Cos people think, "Oh, look, she's small.

"She's going to be light." Hell, no.

Look at the size of this ass!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is a solid booty, let me tell you.

And rule number three, no vodka after midnight...

..cos we multiply.

Or we try.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I get the best reactions from kids, right,

cos children are so honest -

very upfront in their reaction.

You know, I had this kid come up to me one time.

He goes, "Ooh, what happened to you? Did you get to an accident?"

I went, "Hell, no.

"I didn't eat my vegetables when I was your age, you little shit.

"Now, put me down".

I actually had the cutest experience recently.

This kid was shopping, I was out in the mall, and this kid,

I could hear him, and he goes,

"Daddy, look - it's one of Santa's helpers!"

I know. I thought that was so cute, until I saw his dad,

who started really laughing and pointing,

and I was like, "What a dickhead".

So, I walked up to the kid and I went,

"Yeah, I'm one of Santa's helpers, and guess what?

"He said you were a really good boy this year,

"and you're going to get a brand-new PlayStation 4 with all the games".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's all right now. I'm in a relationship.

Been in a relationship for quite a few years.

Of course, people's first question is always, "Is he a little person?"

I'm like, hell, no. He's actually the shortest guy I've ever dated.

He's 5' 7".

Yeah, down-sized.

Don't worry, he's still nuts over me.

APPLAUSE

We live in a very small town in North Carolina.

Very conservative people, and of course, I love to freak people out.

So, Kevin and I were sitting on a park bench one day, you know,

being all romantic, giving hugs and kisses,

and some old man walked by and I saw him kind of look

and I was, like, pushed Kevin away.

I was, like, "Daddy, stop it!"

Of course, the old man looked mortified.

I was like, "Don't worry. He kisses better than Uncle Mark".

We've been in a relationship for quite a few years,

and you've got to keep the spice alive in a relationship.

So, this year, I treated myself to pole dancing lessons.

Oh, yeah. Keep the spice alive.

Very popular nowadays.

A lot of women are getting involved. A lot of celebrities.

Pamela Anderson got a pole installed in her bedroom.

I'm thinking, OK. Got my lingerie on.

Trying to choreograph my moves.

I don't have a pole, you know, so I had to improvise.

I ended up using a cat scratch post.

Oh, yeah!

Whoo! That's right.

That's it from me, you guys. Thanks a lot.

-I'm Tanyalee Davis. Merry Christmas!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tanyalee Davis, everybody!

Fantastic work.

-OK.

-So, we're ready for our second act of the evening,

-ladies and gentlemen?

-Are we excited?

CHEERING

Personal favourite of ours.

Can we please give it up for Hal Cruttenden, everybody?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues

Thank you very much. Good. Lovely to be here.

Merry Christmas.

CHEERING

Do you know what? I quite like working at Christmas.

I do. I did panto a couple of years ago.

AUDIENCE: Oh, no, you didn't!

I've never had that reaction before.

I seriously did. Two years ago, I did panto,

cos I got to the end of the year and I realised I still had

a little bit of self-respect that needed getting rid of.

I was in Cinderella in Woking, OK?

I was Dandini, Prince Charming's assistant.

Buttons was played by Mr Tumble - Justin Fletcher from CBeebies.

And we had a subplot throughout the show

that Buttons and Dandini were long-lost brothers,

because apparently, I look a little bit like Mr Tumble from CBeebies.

Really pleased about that, yeah.

The other one I get is Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, my God!

Loads of you!

Loads of you don't have proper jobs.

But Christmas is lovely.

It's a hard time of year for a lot of people, isn't it?

It's very hard for people who live alone

and have no family to spend it with,

and it's even worse for people who do have family

and have to spend Christmas with them.

There should be Christmas appeals for those people, shouldn't there?

If you're by yourself this Christmas,

please spare a thought for Alan,

who's being glared at by his father-in-law

for eating too many roast potatoes.

When you're watching the Bond film this afternoon,

Alan has to walk for six miles.

Traditional family Christmas ramble.

And when he gets back,

he'll have to endure two hours of nonstop, soul-destroying charades,

followed by ageing relatives talking about the good old days,

before immigration and gay people.

You can help Alan by calling this number below.

It's Alan's number.

Pretend there's an emergency in the pub and only he can help.

I'm not nice, folks. I'm not nice.

People think I'm a nice person. I'm not nice.

I'm pushy and shallow. We all are. Look at our pictures on Facebook.

Our pictures are a complete lie.

No-one's photo is real, is it?

Everyone's photo on Facebook is like this.

Do you realise, one day, someone's going to be using that photo to say,

"That's your great-great-grandmother"?

"Why is it taken from such a funny angle, Mummy?"

"Well, in those days,

"that was the way fat people tried to look thinner."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got friends that are constantly trying to share

every bit of pain on Facebook.

Do you have friends who put a post up, sharing their pain?

They won't tell you what's happened, though, will they?

"Today has been absolutely the worst day of my entire life."

Their best friend comes in.

They need to show they're their best friend, so they'll go,

"I know, babe. You're an amazing person. I'll be over this evening".

Next level of friend has the guts to say, "What happened, babe?"

They get the answer, "I'll DM you".

The third level are people like me,

just watching, going, "What the bloody hell's happened?"

Anything to share their pain.

Someone put a thing up that was really quite an innocuous post.

All it said was,

"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?"

And all my friends used this as an excuse to share how hard their life

had been. All my friends are like, "You're going to go through some

"hard times, but you're an amazing person.

"You'll find a way through and you'll be brave and strong and amazing and grow."

I got in trouble with my wife, because I wrote on it,

"It's going to be horrible. Kill yourself."

One woman wrote a thing that was very simple,

but very, very powerful.

"What would you say if you could talk to yourself at 18?"

She simply wrote, "You are not ugly."

Yeah. We totally know her story there, don't we?

We know what she's been through. Probably bullied at school,

rejected by partners as she's grown up.

She's probably been laughed at behind her back, and she's

had to realise that other people's judgements aren't important.

It doesn't MATTER what other people think.

The only opinion that matters is YOURS,

and she knows that she is beautiful.

But, I saw her pictures, and Jesus Christ...

And I realise that sometimes, sometimes on Facebook,

on Twitter, whatever, you have to put something sad up there.

When someone's died, from the family, or a friend has died,

you need to put that on Facebook to share the information.

There's people that don't know. That's absolutely fine. BUT...

the constant memorials to old, dead relatives...

..are a little bit indulgent, folks.

Little bit indulgent. "Six years ago, Gran, you left us.

"Always in my thoughts." It's a little bit indulgent.

And it gets competitive. People go, "I know, I totally understand.

"I've lost all my grandparents. Totally understand what you're going through."

"I've lost my grandparents and my parents. I totally understand."

My mum died nearly two years ago.

On the anniversary of my mum's death,

I am not going to go on Facebook

and go, "Mum, you left us two years ago today.

"I know if you were still here, you'd be telling me

"to stop using your death to get attention on Facebook."

People say stupid things to you when your parents have died, don't they?

They say things to me like, "Hey, they're always with you, you know.

"They're always with you."

And I hear that and just think,

"Oh, God, I hope not".

Because when I'm by myself...

..I do some really disgusting things.

I can't bear the idea of my dead father appearing to me,

going, "My son, I have returned....

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll come back later."

Thank you very much. You've been lovely.

Have a lovely Christmas. Thank you. Thank you very much.

He's so funny. So great. I love him.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this evening?

You're going to love him. Please welcome Josh Widdicombe, everybody.

Josh Widdicombe.

MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie

Yes.

Merry Christmas. Yes.

-ALL:

-Merry Christmas!

Christmas is good though, isn't it?

As a kid, it's good. As an adult, ruined. It is.

It's not as good.

The first day you realise Christmas will never be the same again

is the first time you're entered into office Secret Santa.

That's a depressing day, isn't it?

Yeah, just pick a name out the hat and get them a present.

Maximum £10.

Oh, thank God you told me,

because I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft.

Yeah, keep your eyes closed, Jean.

I hope I haven't overspent.

I'll just reverse it into the marina.

Just going to reverse it into the marina, and you can unpack it.

It was more exciting when you were a kid.

It was the only festival I looked forward to, really,

cos at my school we only had that and harvest festival.

MURMURING

Yeah. That's the reaction it should get.

I don't even know if I'm remembering this festival right.

Is this right?

Once a year, at the time of the harvest,

we bring in tins of food that we give to the local old people.

Basically we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people food

that was going to last longer than THEY did.

You shouldn't be in a race against time against a tin of plum tomatoes.

All these things that's never had anything to do with the harvest.

Who's ever harvested Spam?

But I go home for Christmas. I go home to Devon.

It's a long way to go.

I got the sleeper train home last year.

Do not ever get the sleeper train, for Christmas or not for Christmas.

Should be called "the seven hours awake, absolutely livid" train.

If you haven't got a sleeper train, do not get it on your own.

I had to go and buy my ticket.

I queued up, was getting my ticket. He said, "So it'll cost this much."

This was the question.

He said, "Would you like to save £20 by sharing your compartment

"with a stranger?"

No.

No. I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate...

..because the best-case scenario there is, I'm asleep when he kills me.

You might say no-one's ever been killed on a train. Have you SEEN Poirot? It's happening all the time!

That isn't a saving.

Yeah, what a bargain, and then why don't me and him

share a bowl of spaghetti, like Lady and the Tramp?

Oh, look, it's 30p for the toilet at King's Cross.

15p if we go back-to-back, isn't it?

What are the selling points? Lockable doors.

That is of no use, if he's already in there with me.

All I've got now is a cellmate.

Then when I got home, right, I had to sleep in my old room.

I had to sleep in a single bed. Have you tried this, as an adult?

Were they always that thin?

How did we ever stay on the things?

Sleep on a bed? I feel I'm lying on a fucking log.

Felt like I was working on my core strength.

"You been working out?"

"No, just sleeping on a single bed. I'm ripped."

It's like eight hours of Pilates every night.

They said, "Well, we could push it next to the wall.

"Will that help?" No.

No, because then the best-case scenario is, I roll over

and hit a wall.

"Well, you slept in."

Well, at 8:00am, I turned over and knocked myself out.

Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well.

It's the size of a flannel.

"Were you warm?" My KNEE was.

Just used it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve.

I don't want to complain. I don't.

You know, I've got a double bed.

I don't want to brag. I have got a double bed.

A couple of people applauded.

It might not be.

It might be a queen size, it might be a king size.

No-one knows, do you?

All you know is, it's one bigger than the sheet you just bought.

Oh, but you'll try and fit it on the bed, won't you?

Two hours.

No, I don't need all FOUR corners covered with a sheet, do I?

I'll just go for three,

and then the world's most powerful catapult...

..in the middle of my bed.

3:00 in the morning, flung into the wall at 80mph.

The only tenser way to sleep is when you go to a hotel,

and they've got the two single beds, but they've claimed it's a double.

They've just put a sheet over. Oh, my God.

That's a tense night, isn't it?

Lying on the edge of your bed, going, "Do not make a move

"to the middle, for fear of being swallowed by your own bed."

Gone!

But my parents, I went back for Christmas.

They put a single bed in. I didn't have a single bed when I was a kid.

What I had was a thing called a cabin bed.

I don't know if you had one of these.

If you didn't have one of these, it's a great idea.

What it was, height of a bunk bed, but below it,

instead of another bed,

I had a desk.

Yeah. Basically, my parents had made the executive decision that

I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.

Kids would come over. "Can I stay over?"

"No, but you can catch up on your admin."

I don't know what seven-year-old needs quick access to

a desk in the middle of the night.

Just wake up at 2:00 in the morning. "I need to pen my memoirs!

"I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world."

Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk-bed ladder.

There was nothing like it, was there?

"Do you want to go to bed?" No, I'd prefer to keep my feet.

It was like a Biblical punishment.

You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed.

My mum tried to convince me that the cabin bed was a good idea.

She said, "Oh, Josh,

"you should be really pleased you've got a cabin bed.

"Actually, it's a very grown-up bed."

Now, I'm a grown-up now.

That's not proved to be the case.

I've never seen... I don't know if there's any single women here,

but if you went back to a guy's house...

..and things were going pretty well, and he said,

"Do you want to come through to my bedroom? Put your shoes back on."

You wouldn't go into his room and go,

"Huh, he works hard AND he plays hard, doesn't he?

"Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I?"

Quite literally, at that height.

You've been absolutely lovely, Noel at the Apollo.

Thank you very much. My name is Josh Widdicombe. Merry Christmas!

APPLAUSE

Josh Widdicombe. I love him.

Thank you to all the fantastic acts we had this evening.

We had Josh Widdicombe.

Tanyalee Davis.

And Hal Cruttenden.

-Happy Christmas, everybody. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.