Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


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Episode 1

Everyone's favourite 'Chatty Man' Alan Carr is your host as he introduces two of comedy's biggest stars - the fabulously funny Francesca Martinez and rising comedy star Nish Kumar.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Alan Carr!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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How are you doing?!

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Ah!

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Ah!

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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CHEERING

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Tonight's about love.

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I want it to be a positive atmosphere tonight, cos, I don't know about you,

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but I think people have too much to say for themselves these days.

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-Do you agree with me? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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People have always got a comment.

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It does my head in. Can I talk about this?

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Let's talk about TripAdvisor, yeah?

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LAUGHTER

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If you're a dickhead or a moron,

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I think you should be not allowed to have an opinion.

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-Do you agree with me? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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I went on TripAdvisor.

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Someone gave Stonehenge two stars cos there wasn't a coffee shop!

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A woman gave Lake Windermere one star cos she'd lost her handbag there.

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That's not the lake's fault!

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My favourite thing ever, someone had been to see the tomb of Tutankhamen.

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They wrote underneath, "It stank. It was like someone had died there."

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know this, as well?

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People have been giving their hometown on TripAdvisor five stars

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to push their house prices up. Did you know this, Hammersmith?

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Oh, yeah.

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Someone gave my hometown, Northampton, five stars.

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Have you been? It's the kind of place, if you wear shoes,

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people think you're the Secret Millionaire!

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Now, be fair, when you're on these websites, be fair.

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Sometimes it's going to piss it down.

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Sometimes you're going to be in a bad mood. Listen, be fair.

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I'll give you an example.

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I got touched inappropriately on a Jack The Ripper walk

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by a feral mute.

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LAUGHTER

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I thought it was part of the tour, I did!

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"Jack? Was that you, Jack? Jack?"

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Did I slag it off?

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No, raved about it, five stars, bring a friend.

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Five stars, four fingers. Er...

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Don't laugh at that,

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it's a shit joke, don't laugh at that.

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Don't, don't laugh at it, it's shit.

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Has anyone here actually been on a Jack The Ripper walk?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

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You're like me. I love 'em.

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Soon as I moved down from Manchester, I went on this Jack The Ripper walk.

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And they take you round the East End,

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these out-of-work actors and actresses.

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Hammy? Even people from Hollyoaks were saying,

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"Tone it down, love," do you know what I'm saying?

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They lie to you, they make out...

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Is anyone here from the East End?

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WHOOPING AND WHISTLING

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They make out, don't they,

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it's all Dickensian, Victorian, cobbled streets?

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It's not, it's modern now.

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I'm following this woman round on this Jack The Ripper tour.

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"And the prostitute was slashed from ear to ear!

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"Left to die on the floor like a dog!"

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And you're in the doorway of a Londis!

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LAUGHTER

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The electric doors are going zub-zub, zub-zub, zub-zub!

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I fell out with TripAdvisor big time. I went to Oman for a week.

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I looked on TripAdvisor. "Food is to die for."

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"The people are so friendly." "The sea is crystal clear."

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Didn't say that homosexuality was illegal, did they?

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I had to be butch for a week. A week!

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I used muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had.

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And it's horrible because, at the resort,

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I could hear people saying things like, "Oh, here she is."

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"Bet he's one of those." Do you know what I mean?

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So I kept throwing them off the scent.

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I kept walking into the foyer, shouting loudly,

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"Has my wife arrived yet?"

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You can't miss her, she's got a cock!

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CHEERING

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I've been all over this year. I've been really lucky.

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My mum had a big birthday last year, so I took her on safari.

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How nice is that? WHOOPING

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Took her on safari. My other half wanted to go.

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It's expensive, though, isn't it? It's expensive.

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My other half wanted to come.

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I said, "No, just watch it on Skype, it'll be like you're there!"

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Dressed my mum up in an animal onesie, "Look how close they are!"

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LAUGHTER

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No, it's funny, me and my mum, we went to Africa, yeah,

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and we went to the resort, went to the hut, opened the hut door,

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massive double bed, written in rose petals, "Alan and Christine."

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LAUGHTER

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HE RETCHES

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So we ended up making love.

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LAUGHTER No, we did not! No, we did not!

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Well, the ranger knocks on the door and says,

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"Do you and your mum want to stalk a rhino?"

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No, it's not what you're thinking.

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"What are you wearing? I'm outside." No.

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It's when you follow a rhino on foot through the bushes and shit,

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like this, yeah?

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I didn't know if I wanted to do this with my mum because me

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and my mum have got beef, right?

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When I was growing up, I was in the garden

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and a bee came in the garden and my mum went,

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"Alan! Pretend to be a flower!"

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LAUGHTER

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"And it will buzz away!"

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When you think about it, bees love flowers, don't they?

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That's twisted shit!

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And I'm going on safari with this woman?!

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"Look, Alan, there's a lion. Pretend to be a leg of lamb!"

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LAUGHTER

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So I'm with the ranger, yeah,

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and he starts telling us about stalking a rhino.

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"Obviously when you approach the beast, if there's any sudden

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"movement or noise, just make small, comfortable steps, like this,

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"back to the jeep with no sound, like so."

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HE HUMS "SINGLE LADIES"

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LAUGHTER

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I got all cocky. I went,

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"Hello? Of course I'm going to do that, I'm not a moron!

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"Of course I'm going to make small, comfortable steps back to the jeep!

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"Do you think I'm a dickhead?"

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LAUGHTER

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Next day, me and my mum are walking up to this rhino,

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like this, through the bushes.

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All of a sudden, it turns around and goes...

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HE GRUNTS LOUDLY

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I went...

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HIGH-PITCHED: "Aaaaaaargh!"

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LAUGHTER

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I ran! I ran!

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Not only did I run, I pushed my mum in front of it!

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I ran in Crocs. That's hard.

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Cos that ain't my idea of fun, do you know what I'm saying?

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The closest I've come to death is nearly choking on a Berocca.

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My idea of brave is to keep my iPod on shuffle at a party. That's brave.

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LAUGHTER

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Why does everything have to be extreme?

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That's what gets me, do you know what I mean?

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What's on the telly these days? What do we have?

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Extreme Fishing With Robson Green.

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What else? Extreme Makeover, what else?

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-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Couponing!

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Extreme Couponing!

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That show is shit, but it's like crack, ain't it?

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Does anyone watch it?

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LAUGHTER I know!

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You go, "Who watches this shit?"

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Cut to four o'clock in the morning -

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"Will she ever spend those coupons on bleach?"

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Extreme Weather. Weather's extreme, isn't it?

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You know who's loving the extreme weather, don't you?

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The weather forecasters. They're loving the drama.

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Who's that one, BBC weather in the morning? Scottish woman?

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Carol!

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She's loving it, the extreme weather.

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She's dishing out advice now, have you seen her?

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HE IMITATES: "It's going to rain today, so I'd wear a coat."

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Thanks, Carol.

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What about when they start telling you the weather

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that's happening at the minute, have you seen that?

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HE IMITATES: "It's sunny outside."

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Aw, thanks, Carol, I wondered

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what that fucking window was for!

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Innit!

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What about when they tell you the weather that's happening at night?

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Who gives a shit?

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Who gives a shit?!

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HE IMITATES: "It's going to rain at one in the morning."

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Who cares?!

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What, you ever get a load of prostitutes going,

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"I'll be packing my waders."

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APPLAUSE

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I'm glad people are discussing extreme weather. Are you?

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People are saying, "Look after the elderly,

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"get water in, get sandbags, get food."

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Cos, when I was growing up and we had extreme weather,

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we were just told to go out and play!

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Remember your mum? "Go out and play!"

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A cow blows past the window!

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Hail stones, hurricanes, tsunamis, I'd be outside.

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If you didn't come back with a wind chime embedded in your face,

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you hadn't lived!

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I know it was bloody cold back then, you look at my school photos.

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1984 to 1990, cold sore, pow!

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Every year, cold sore, pow!

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Right there in the middle of my big, round, pasty-white face.

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If I wore a metallic ruff, I'd look like a Cherry Bakewell.

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The thing is, with cold sores,

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if I had a hump on my back or a hairy mole, no-one would have mentioned it.

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Cold sores, people start sucking their teeth, pointing, don't they?

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HE INHALES SHARPLY

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"Ooh!

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"Is that a cold sore?"

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"No, me bindi slipped! What do you think?

0:10:160:10:19

"What do you think?"

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Then they start dropping the H-bomb, don't they?

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"Ooh, that's herpes." Whoa, whoa, whoa!

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Why are you mentioning...? Why drag it down to that level?

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You wouldn't go up to someone who's got a chipped nail,

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"Why, was you wanking off a tramp? Oh, sorry!"

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Sorry, just asking, I just thought I'd ask.

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Does anyone here actually suffer with cold sores?

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CROWD RESPONDS QUIETLY

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Woman at the back in a crash helmet, "Yeah."

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I mean, if you have got skin disorders...

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Can you listen to this?

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Hammersmith, will you listen to this, please? My friend...

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Well, she's not my friend, she's a friend of a friend.

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She drinks her own urine.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Listen, her skin is amazing, her skin is to die for.

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Her breath bloody stinks, but...

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People throw stones at her in the street and call her a witch.

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But her skin - mwah!

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I mean, I'm having a laugh about this,

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but I've had cold sores all my life.

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And it gets me down, it gets me depressed.

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I've tried everything, lotions, potions, pills, you name it,

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I've done whatever to get rid of it.

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This is how desperate I got.

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I went to one of those fish pedicure places. And...

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AUDIENCE MURMURS

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I distracted the woman, and I bobbed.

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"Bite it, bite it!"

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It came off, I had a verruca.

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That would just be my luck, honestly. Athlete's foot. No!

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I mentioned school photos before.

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You can't explain to this iPhone generation, can you,

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about school photos?

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That was your one photo.

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You take photos now every minute of the day.

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That was your one photo.

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If that school photo was shit, you had a shit year.

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Right? That photo was good, you had a good year, yeah?

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It's all right, you with your iPhones now, deleting, rotating,

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putting your different filters on. Sepia?

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Why anyone would choose sepia? Why choose sepia?

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Why do you want to look like you've got jaundice? Why?

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"Here's me at Chessington World Of Adventure. With liver failure."

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School photos, you could not mess it up.

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You'd stand in a line outside the classroom, stand in a line.

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Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next." Psht! "Next."

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1987, I sneezed.

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I said, "Can I take it again?" "No. Next."

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"I can't look like that!"

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And every member of your family bought it, didn't it?

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Every house you'd go to, I'd be on the mantelpiece...

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This was the '80s. What you looked like was what you looked like.

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No Photoshopping and all that, airbrushing, shit like that, no.

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Plastic surgery? No. What you looked like was what you looked like.

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And I think we all owe it to ourselves

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to make ourselves look a bit better, don't we?

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We can all do little bits to make ourselves look better.

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I'm not having a go, girls, I'm not.

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But you know the women who have the hairy face?

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No. You know the women with the five o'clock shadow? You know?

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They go, "Well, if I shave it, it'll only come back twice as thick."

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And you're like, "Well, have a go.

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"Don't give up hope just yet.

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"You look like an Ewok. Shave."

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LAUGHTER

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I mentioned iPhones there.

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And I don't want to drag the night down,

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cos we've got some great guests coming on.

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But my friend who's a teacher,

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she was telling me that some of the kids

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in her class have been using their iPhone to take photos of their, um...

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HE MUMBLES: ..private parts.

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I don't want to be rude cos it's a BBC Two show.

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HE MUMBLES: Private parts.

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Some of the kids have been taking photos of their private parts

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and sending them on the iPhone to all the kids in the class.

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I thought, "Isn't that sad?"

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Because, in my day,

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A, I didn't have the inclination to do that.

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And, B, I didn't have a camera on my phone.

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So, if I wanted to show the whole class my knob, I'd have to trace it

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with some Izal toilet paper and stick it on an overhead projector.

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"Thank you - my knob."

0:14:490:14:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:14:510:14:53

"Thank you.

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"My knob.

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"My knob. Thank you."

0:14:580:14:59

Oh, my God, I'm on a loop. My knob. Shit, I can't stop. My knob.

0:15:010:15:05

HE GIGGLES

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Well, Hammersmith, I think you've been warmed up very nicely.

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Are you in the mood for some top-notch comedy?

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WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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Good.

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Well, please give a wonderful Hammersmith welcome

0:15:180:15:21

to the fantastic Francesca Martinez!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:15:260:15:28

CHEERING

0:15:330:15:34

Wow.

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Hello, Apollo!

0:15:450:15:47

CHEERING

0:15:470:15:49

It's so great to be here.

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So, guys, I am wobbly!

0:15:510:15:54

LAUGHTER

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Don't you love the word "wobbly"?

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It's quite cool, isn't it? I love it!

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I think that we should have more positive names for conditions.

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You know, like, instead of something really horrible

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like "schizophrenic," why don't we just say "overly imaginative"?

0:16:090:16:14

"Claustrophobic" - nature lover.

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"Mentally retarded" - Katie Hopkins.

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APPLAUSE

0:16:240:16:27

I actually drove here tonight.

0:16:320:16:35

It's amazing. I'm wobbly, but I can drive.

0:16:350:16:39

You know, when they told me I could drive,

0:16:390:16:41

I was like, "Are you sure?!"

0:16:410:16:43

But I can. I don't know how I do, but I do.

0:16:450:16:48

Anyway, get this, yeah, totally true, a few weeks ago,

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I'm getting into my car,

0:16:520:16:55

and this taxi driver pulled up right beside me.

0:16:550:16:59

And he says, "Don't do it, love."

0:16:590:17:03

LAUGHTER

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And I'm like, "Do what?"

0:17:060:17:08

and he goes, "Don't drink and drive."

0:17:080:17:10

Yeah. Can you believe that?

0:17:130:17:15

I was going, "Mr Cabbie,

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"just cos I'm a bit shaky, and I walk a bit funny,

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"and I've got puke down my front..."

0:17:230:17:26

Cos it's weird, guys,

0:17:290:17:31

when you're wobbly, right, people ask you really crazy stuff.

0:17:310:17:35

Like, I've had men asking me, "Are you shaky during sex?"

0:17:350:17:41

And I was like, "Well, that depends on how good you are, mate."

0:17:410:17:45

LAUGHTER

0:17:450:17:47

CHEERING

0:17:490:17:51

But, despite that joke, I am a hopeless romantic.

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Boys are amazing, aren't they?

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And my perfect man has always been a poor Irish poet.

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I love the accent.

0:18:060:18:08

And the poverty.

0:18:080:18:10

This is totally true.

0:18:110:18:13

I met my boyfriend nine years ago, in Dublin.

0:18:130:18:17

And he opened his mouth and I was like, "Yeah, that'll do."

0:18:170:18:20

LAUGHTER

0:18:200:18:22

I remember when we first got together,

0:18:220:18:25

quite a lot of people said,

0:18:250:18:26

"Oh, my God, it's amazing that

0:18:260:18:29

"you're going out with someone different. Well done."

0:18:290:18:33

I was like, "He's only Irish!"

0:18:330:18:35

LAUGHTER

0:18:350:18:38

But we're very happy, and we're thinking about having babies...

0:18:380:18:42

-MILD CHEERING

-..cos I love... Thank you!

0:18:420:18:44

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

0:18:440:18:46

Yeah, I love them.

0:18:460:18:48

But I'm not quite ready for babies yet because I love my life.

0:18:480:18:54

LAUGHTER

0:18:540:18:57

Luckily, guys, you'll be pleased to know

0:18:570:18:59

I have found a brilliant form of contraception. Oh, yes.

0:18:590:19:04

It's when I put a condom on my boyfriend,

0:19:040:19:07

because, the amount my hand's shaking,

0:19:070:19:10

it's all over before it begins.

0:19:100:19:12

APPLAUSE

0:19:150:19:17

But, you know what, seriously, I love being wobbly.

0:19:230:19:26

I see myself as totally normal, you know?

0:19:260:19:30

But it was interesting because apparently when I was a baby,

0:19:300:19:35

the doctor told my parents that I would never lead a normal life.

0:19:350:19:41

I was like, "Who wants a normal life? I want an amazing life."

0:19:410:19:46

ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING

0:19:460:19:49

My family are great.

0:19:510:19:53

They've made me feel really loved and very confident.

0:19:530:19:57

I really loved school. I was just having so much fun.

0:19:570:20:02

By the way, I found out recently that my old junior school

0:20:020:20:08

is now sponsored by McDonald's.

0:20:080:20:11

It's awful, isn't it?

0:20:120:20:14

The kids are learning the alphabet,

0:20:140:20:17

like, R is for Ronald McDonald.

0:20:170:20:19

I was so shocked.

0:20:190:20:21

I thought, "Where will it end?"

0:20:210:20:23

Will you have books for dyslexic kids sponsored by FCUK?

0:20:230:20:30

LAUGHTER

0:20:300:20:32

But school was great, right? And I loved it.

0:20:320:20:36

But then I hit the age of 11

0:20:360:20:39

and there was a lot of pressure on me to go to a special school.

0:20:390:20:44

And I don't mean Eton. Oh, no.

0:20:440:20:47

My parents didn't want this,

0:20:490:20:51

because they didn't want me being defined by what I couldn't do.

0:20:510:20:55

So they fought really hard

0:20:550:20:57

and they got me into a mainstream all-girls school.

0:20:570:21:02

And then it was shit.

0:21:020:21:05

God, the girls in my class hated me.

0:21:050:21:09

And it was little things - like, when we were 16, my friends...

0:21:090:21:14

I say friends - bitches.

0:21:140:21:17

Oh, by the way, they all want to be my friend on Facebook now. Fuck off!

0:21:180:21:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:240:21:27

Did I say that out loud?

0:21:340:21:37

Calm down! OK.

0:21:370:21:39

Where was I?

0:21:390:21:41

Yeah, so, they used to say stuff like,

0:21:410:21:43

"Francesca, no-one will ever go out with you.

0:21:430:21:47

"Well, apart from someone like Jesus."

0:21:470:21:51

LAUGHTER

0:21:510:21:53

I'd be like, "Hm, who would I prefer?

0:21:530:21:56

"Jesus, son of God, or your boyfriend, Barry?

0:21:560:22:01

"Son of...no-one knows, really."

0:22:010:22:04

So, guys, I hated school, but, luckily,

0:22:060:22:10

I got a part on Grange Hill.

0:22:100:22:13

And this was amazing, cos they rescued me

0:22:130:22:16

from that high school hell, and I made friends,

0:22:160:22:20

and there were real boys.

0:22:200:22:22

It was great.

0:22:220:22:24

And it was so much fun.

0:22:240:22:26

They used to film Top Of The Pops there, yeah?

0:22:260:22:30

And one day, I came out of my dressing room,

0:22:300:22:34

and David Bowie was standing there.

0:22:340:22:37

Now, we were always told to act really normal around the celebs,

0:22:370:22:43

so I just said to him, "All right, Dave?"

0:22:430:22:46

LAUGHTER

0:22:460:22:48

And he said, "Oh, my God, it's Rachel from Grange Hill!"

0:22:480:22:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:56

I said, "Calm down, Dave. We're all human."

0:23:000:23:05

So Rachel kind of gave me that self-confidence.

0:23:050:23:11

I just felt better about myself,

0:23:110:23:13

although some jobs can be harder to get

0:23:130:23:17

if you're wobbly.

0:23:170:23:18

Like, this is odd, but some of the panel shows in this country

0:23:180:23:23

won't book me because they tell me I'm too scary.

0:23:230:23:28

SHE ROARS

0:23:280:23:31

Seriously, they say stuff like,

0:23:310:23:33

"Francesca, we do think you're funny,

0:23:330:23:36

"but we think it might make the audience nervous."

0:23:360:23:40

I'm like, "You have Frankie Boyle on!"

0:23:400:23:43

APPLAUSE

0:23:430:23:45

The thing is, guys, I really don't think happiness comes from being

0:23:490:23:55

able-bodied or fitting in.

0:23:550:23:58

I think it comes from being loved

0:23:580:24:01

and really appreciating what you have.

0:24:010:24:04

Cos, let's face it, it took us billions of years

0:24:040:24:09

to be here right now, didn't it?

0:24:090:24:11

We should just all be so delighted to be alive,

0:24:110:24:16

and here's my tip for being happy, right?

0:24:160:24:19

Lower your expectations!

0:24:190:24:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:220:24:25

Thank you. Good night.

0:24:300:24:33

CHEERING

0:24:330:24:38

Francesca Martinez!

0:24:460:24:49

Fantastic. Absolutely brilliant.

0:24:500:24:53

I think we should keep the laughs coming. Do you agree?

0:24:530:24:57

CHEERING

0:24:570:24:58

Well, give a fantastic Hammersmith welcome

0:24:580:25:01

to the amazing Nish Kumar!

0:25:010:25:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:040:25:07

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How are you? You all right?

0:25:170:25:20

CHEERING

0:25:200:25:22

Great to be here. Lovely to see you all. I feel great.

0:25:220:25:26

This is going to go very well.

0:25:260:25:28

This is a big year for me. Big year.

0:25:280:25:31

Cos I turn 30 this year. I'm 30 years old!

0:25:310:25:33

CHEERING

0:25:330:25:35

And the big year did not get off to a great start.

0:25:350:25:37

In February, my mother said, "Nish, there's a problem with your comedy."

0:25:370:25:40

I said, "What is the problem with my comedy?"

0:25:400:25:42

She said, "Well, you're a left-wing comedian."

0:25:420:25:44

I said, "Why is that a problem?"

0:25:440:25:46

She said, "Well, all comedians are left-wing. It's boring."

0:25:460:25:49

Now, here's the thing. I have no idea if all comedians are left-wing.

0:25:490:25:53

I've not done the research. Hold my hands up, right?

0:25:530:25:56

But I have a theory.

0:25:560:25:58

I think it is hard to write right-wing comedy.

0:25:580:26:01

And I know, because I've been trying.

0:26:030:26:06

LAUGHTER

0:26:060:26:07

This is the best I could come up with for right-wing comedy.

0:26:070:26:10

"Hey, don't you hate it when you start earning over £100,000 a year

0:26:100:26:13

"and you move up an income tax bracket?"

0:26:130:26:17

Doesn't work!

0:26:170:26:19

ONE PERSON CLAPS

0:26:190:26:21

Here's the thing... One person applauding!

0:26:210:26:23

One very rich person being, like, "Yeah.

0:26:230:26:26

"Thank you for articulating my pain."

0:26:260:26:29

Here's the thing. All I think is going on is stand-up comedy

0:26:320:26:34

is an art form wherein it's easier to express left-wing political beliefs.

0:26:340:26:38

I think it's just easier.

0:26:380:26:39

That's why it feels like all comedians are left-wing.

0:26:390:26:42

But if you look over the entire cultural spectrum, it balances itself out,

0:26:420:26:45

because I think there's as much stuff that's inherently left-wing

0:26:450:26:48

as there is inherently right-wing.

0:26:480:26:49

Cos I would argue, as much as no-one wants to see a right-wing comedian these days,

0:26:490:26:53

even fewer people want to watch a left-wing action film.

0:26:530:26:56

Like, I am left-wing, and I love action films,

0:26:560:26:59

but I have no desire to watch a left-wing action film.

0:26:590:27:03

I have no desire to watch the Avengers

0:27:030:27:05

apply to the UN Security Council

0:27:050:27:07

to pass a resolution so that they can fight Ultron.

0:27:070:27:10

I don't want to watch Iron Man get bogged down

0:27:100:27:12

in a diplomatic quagmire.

0:27:120:27:14

Largely because that was the plot of Iron Man 2

0:27:140:27:17

and it was a shit film.

0:27:170:27:18

APPLAUSE

0:27:180:27:21

But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.

0:27:210:27:25

Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.

0:27:250:27:28

Left-wing people have comedy, right-wing people have action movies.

0:27:280:27:31

Left-wing people have folk music - of course they do,

0:27:310:27:34

cos a right-wing folk song would be harrowing.

0:27:340:27:37

A right-wing folk song is basically,

0:27:370:27:39

# My dad works in a factory

0:27:390:27:41

# The factory closed down

0:27:410:27:42

# But it was unprofitable, so GOOD. #

0:27:420:27:45

LAUGHTER

0:27:450:27:47

That is not something anyone wants to see.

0:27:470:27:51

No-one wants to listen to Mumford And His Nazi Sons, right?

0:27:510:27:54

LAUGHTER

0:27:540:27:56

But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.

0:27:560:27:59

Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.

0:27:590:28:02

Left-wing people have comedy and folk music,

0:28:020:28:04

right-wing people have action movies and board games.

0:28:040:28:07

Because when I was growing up, the board game I played most often...

0:28:070:28:10

I now think it's insane we allow children to play this game.

0:28:100:28:13

I'm talking, of course, about Monopoly.

0:28:130:28:18

I cannot believe Monopoly is a game.

0:28:180:28:22

First of all, it's called Monopoly.

0:28:220:28:27

That is a financial crime

0:28:270:28:29

we have governmental bodies designed to prevent.

0:28:290:28:31

There are no games named other financial crimes.

0:28:310:28:34

There's no Embezzlement Ball,

0:28:340:28:37

or, "Hey, kids, build your own Lego Ponzi scheme!"

0:28:370:28:40

People are worried about Grand Theft Auto -

0:28:400:28:43

Monopoly reinforces a right-wing way of running our economy as the right way to do so.

0:28:430:28:47

Cos all the public works -

0:28:470:28:48

the electric company, the train station -

0:28:480:28:50

you can just buy them!

0:28:500:28:51

And the more of them you own, the more money you make!

0:28:510:28:54

What happens if you go to jail?

0:28:540:28:56

Nothing, as long as you can afford to bribe your way out!

0:28:560:28:59

CHEERING

0:28:590:29:02

And the worst thing that can happen to you

0:29:080:29:10

when you go round a Monopoly board is you land on the square

0:29:100:29:13

that says, "Pay your tax."

0:29:130:29:15

What kind of message are we setting for children?

0:29:150:29:20

I was playing Monopoly with my eight-year-old cousin the other day,

0:29:200:29:23

and he went, "No!"

0:29:230:29:24

And I said, "What?" And he went, "Tax!"

0:29:240:29:27

And I was like, "Great, there he goes.

0:29:270:29:29

"Future investment banker in our midst, that's absolutely ideal."

0:29:290:29:32

And I know that there are a lot of board games that have weird messages

0:29:330:29:37

and send kids strange messages.

0:29:370:29:39

Battleships is basically telling children

0:29:390:29:41

the best way to fight a war is when you can't see where you're shooting.

0:29:410:29:45

Snakes And Ladders is basically encouraging animal cruelty,

0:29:450:29:48

and chess, if you think about it,

0:29:480:29:49

basically just promotes slow, tactical racism. So...

0:29:490:29:53

LAUGHTER

0:29:530:29:56

I am aware that a lot of board games send out strange messages.

0:30:020:30:05

But I believe with Monopoly, it's an easy fix.

0:30:050:30:08

I think it would be very easy to bring Monopoly

0:30:080:30:10

back into the political centre ground.

0:30:100:30:12

All you have to do is add a third deck of cards,

0:30:120:30:15

cos at the moment when you get Monopoly, you get two decks.

0:30:150:30:17

You get Chance and Community Chest.

0:30:170:30:19

I suggest we add a third deck of cards called Consequence.

0:30:190:30:23

So we can teach these little turds

0:30:230:30:25

something about real-world economics.

0:30:250:30:29

And the Consequence cards could be anything - for example,

0:30:290:30:32

"Your hotels are vandalised by a group of youths who have had

0:30:320:30:35

"their community centre closed down due to governmental cutbacks.

0:30:350:30:38

"Pay £50,000."

0:30:380:30:41

"You have to employ a private security service

0:30:410:30:44

"due to soaring crime rates caused by the underfunding of the police force and

0:30:440:30:47

"the long-term social consequence of the economic inequality

0:30:470:30:50

"that's fuelled your rise as a property mogul.

0:30:500:30:52

"Pay £250,000."

0:30:520:30:55

"You fall in a crack in the road

0:30:550:30:57

"that has not been fixed due to underinvestment.

0:30:570:31:00

"You go to the local hospital, but it has closed down.

0:31:000:31:02

"Your foot falls off.

0:31:020:31:04

"Please go to collect £100.

0:31:040:31:06

"It would have been 200, but we cut disability benefits."

0:31:060:31:09

LAUGHTER

0:31:090:31:12

LAUGHTER

0:31:240:31:27

I'm very clever.

0:31:280:31:30

LAUGHTER

0:31:300:31:33

That's the real message of this act, guys.

0:31:330:31:35

My ego has got out of hand.

0:31:370:31:38

I know you know, because of this, but you have no idea.

0:31:400:31:45

A couple of days ago, I was having a coffee with my friend.

0:31:450:31:47

I was talking to him, and, as I was speaking,

0:31:470:31:50

I lost my train of thought

0:31:500:31:51

and the reason I lost my train of thought is because

0:31:510:31:53

as I was speaking, in my head I started thinking,

0:31:530:31:55

"Well, I'm being very interesting here."

0:31:550:31:58

LAUGHTER

0:31:580:32:01

I'm so interesting, I'm intellectually stimulating,

0:32:010:32:03

I'm a great laugh.

0:32:030:32:05

I'm jealous of people who get to meet me, that's the thing!

0:32:050:32:07

LAUGHTER

0:32:070:32:09

I'll tell you one more story then I'll leave you.

0:32:090:32:11

Two years ago, I was going to do some gigs in Australia

0:32:110:32:13

and I was going to do them as part of a massive comedy festival.

0:32:130:32:16

Now, sometimes when you're going to do gigs at a big comedy festival,

0:32:160:32:19

they don't have time to interview all the comedians individually,

0:32:190:32:22

so what they will do is send out Q&As. Now, these are all

0:32:220:32:24

the same questions, everyone gets them

0:32:240:32:26

and they're all boring questions like, "Where are you from? Who are your favourite comedians?"

0:32:260:32:30

Then they'll have wacky questions. I've no idea why journalists do this,

0:32:300:32:33

they feel the need to ask comedians wacky questions like, "Oh!"

0:32:330:32:36

EXAGGERATED GIGGLE

0:32:360:32:38

-MOCK ACCENT:

-"If your comedy show was a dog,

0:32:380:32:40

"what kind of dog would it be?"

0:32:400:32:41

LAUGHTER

0:32:410:32:43

"I'm so wacky!"

0:32:430:32:45

"Maybe I should be a comedian! What? Shut up." Now...

0:32:460:32:49

LAUGHTER

0:32:490:32:50

I was filling one of these things in,

0:32:530:32:54

and I'm excited to do it cos I get to go to Australia,

0:32:540:32:56

it's very exciting, and I'm filling one of these things in

0:32:560:32:59

and I get down to a question that's been personalised for me.

0:32:590:33:01

It's in a different font, so I know it's been added to an existing document,

0:33:010:33:05

and the question that they had personalised for me was,

0:33:050:33:07

"How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their prophets and Muslims aren't?"

0:33:070:33:11

APPREHENSIVE LAUGHTER

0:33:110:33:14

To which the obvious answer is...I have no idea.

0:33:180:33:21

LAUGHTER

0:33:210:33:22

My parents are Hindus.

0:33:220:33:24

APPLAUSE

0:33:260:33:28

I mean, either one of two things has happened.

0:33:310:33:33

Either they've seen that I've got a foreign name and thought,

0:33:330:33:36

"Must be a Muzzer, definite Muzzer.

0:33:360:33:38

"Nish Kumar is a classic Muzzer name."

0:33:380:33:41

Or they think we have non-white people meetings where we

0:33:410:33:44

assemble, set the non-white agenda for the year

0:33:440:33:46

and then retire to a screening room

0:33:460:33:48

where we watch a DVD of Boyz N The Hood, and...

0:33:480:33:50

LAUGHTER

0:33:500:33:52

Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen,

0:33:520:33:54

I told that joke on stage in a small countryside town in England.

0:33:540:33:57

The audience was entirely comprised of nervous,

0:33:570:33:59

middle-aged white people, me,

0:33:590:34:01

and then one black man who was sat at an angle so the whole audience

0:34:010:34:05

could see him, presumably because they were keeping an eye on him...

0:34:050:34:08

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:080:34:11

..and this guy decided to have a bit of fun,

0:34:110:34:13

because when I mentioned non-white people meetings,

0:34:130:34:16

he looked at the rest of the sort of assembled, nervous throng to make

0:34:160:34:19

sure they were staring at him,

0:34:190:34:20

and then in full view, he looked at me and just went...

0:34:200:34:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:240:34:28

You have not lived until you've seen a roomful of middle-aged

0:34:300:34:33

white people simultaneously shit their pants.

0:34:330:34:36

They came out for an evening of entertainment

0:34:360:34:39

and ended up at the epicentre of the revolution.

0:34:390:34:41

-LAUGHTER

-So, I didn't know what to put.

0:34:410:34:43

Obviously this is an inflammatory subject,

0:34:430:34:45

so I just put, "Oh, my parents are Hindus. I don't know."

0:34:450:34:48

But I felt bad, because I felt that was a cop-out answer.

0:34:480:34:50

They don't have the right to ask me those kind of questions.

0:34:500:34:53

My Muslim friends wouldn't know the answer to that,

0:34:530:34:55

no-one knows the answer to that, right?

0:34:550:34:57

But the rest of the questions didn't really leave much room for any sort

0:34:570:35:00

of debate, cos the next question was,

0:35:000:35:01

"Oh, if your comedy show was grass, would you feed it to a horse?"

0:35:010:35:04

And you go, "You can't jump back into whimsy after you just

0:35:040:35:07

"asked me a serious theological question!"

0:35:070:35:10

But then the last question left some room for improvisation

0:35:100:35:13

cos the last question wasn't a question, it was a task.

0:35:130:35:16

They had written the first half of a joke and we had to supply

0:35:160:35:19

the second-half and everyone was supposed to answer it in a different way.

0:35:190:35:22

It gives some flavour of the comedy you do, that sort of thing.

0:35:220:35:25

The first half of the joke they had written was,

0:35:250:35:27

"A book walks into a bar and sees a bookcase."

0:35:270:35:31

And this is how I finished the joke...

0:35:310:35:33

A book walks into a bar and sees a bookcase.

0:35:330:35:37

The book says, "Hey, bookcase,

0:35:370:35:40

"how come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their prophets and Muslims aren't?"

0:35:400:35:44

APPLAUSE

0:35:440:35:45

And the bookcase said, "I don't know. I am a bookcase,

0:35:450:35:51

"and, as such, have no knowledge of the intricacies of Islamic theology.

0:35:510:35:56

"I assume you're asking me because I am a brown bookcase?

0:35:560:35:59

"In which case, go to hell."

0:36:000:36:02

APPLAUSE

0:36:020:36:04

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a pleasure speaking to you.

0:36:040:36:06

My name is Nish. Goodbye.

0:36:060:36:08

CHEERING

0:36:080:36:11

Nish Kumar, everyone!

0:36:140:36:17

Did you enjoy that?

0:36:170:36:19

Fantastic stuff. Absolutely fantastic.

0:36:190:36:21

Have you had a good time tonight, Hammersmith?

0:36:240:36:26

CHEERING

0:36:260:36:27

Well, give it up for the acts you've seen tonight.

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You've seen the fantastic Francesca Martinez.

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CHEERING

0:36:320:36:34

And the brilliant Nish Kumar.

0:36:340:36:37

CHEERING

0:36:370:36:38

Fantastic stuff. And I've been Alan Carr.

0:36:380:36:40

Thank you, take care, good night!

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Everyone's favourite 'Chatty Man' Alan Carr is your host as he introduces two of comedy's biggest stars - the fabulously funny Francesca Martinez and rising comedy star Nish Kumar.