Episode 2 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Dara O Briain.

CHEERING

Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

Are you in good form? CHEERING

Fantastic. Huge crowd here.

It's a particular pleasure to be back on the stage here at the Apollo.

A few years since I've been doing this,

and since I've been touring.

Well, not long, three years. But you do, as a performer go,

"Will it have changed as I travel around, around the UK, just touring

"the place, will people have changed, will the country...?

One thing has changed since I last the last tour...

There's a lot more pulled pork then there was three years ago.

Where did the pulled pork appear from and how did we survive

until now without it?

Every menu, in every restaurant...

"Do you want a bit of pulled pork with that? Have a bit of pulled pork. We'll slide a bit

"of pulled pork into that, go on. You want a bit of pulled pork,

"have a bit of pulled pork. Have a bit..."

"It is a cheesecake.

"It will not benefit in any way from the addition of pulled pork."

One thing that happened... You're touring now,

a bit older, kind of going,

"What are we going to pass on to the next generation?"

Particularly what do we teach our kids?

I'm kind of in the middle of all that at the moment.

I'm not going to give out...

Anyone who's a teacher or in schools or any of that,

good stuff, fantastic, good for you. LONE CHEER

One of you out tonight.

The rest off marking. So...

It's not the stuff you teach. The stuff that we teach, right,

I just find it bizarre. The preschool syllabus.

The stuff that as parents you're supposed to drum into a kid's head.

The stuff from nought to three.

The stuff that presumably we as a society have decided

is the fundamental, the bedrock information

that we've got to drum into these...

That syllabus is un-evolved.

The amount of effort I put into teaching animal noises...

..and pairing the same farm animal to the same farm animal noise to

two children who live in the middle of London...

At no stage is a cow going to wander randomly into the house,

and them go, "Oh, my God, a cow. Baaah!"

And me to go, "You fucking eejit.

"It's a cow! We've been training for this situation for years now."

Animal noises and ABCs.

For those of you either before this or beyond this, ABCs are those

big, thick-page books with one word per page in alphabetical order,

and they make perfect sense at the start of the book.

Oh, they're magical at the beginning of the book.

But when you get to the back of the book,

when you start doing the freak letters,

you're putting the same amount of effort into teaching words

to your children that you as an adult know well

they will never get to use as an adult.

Xylophone.

The hours you spend... Look at the xylophone. Look at the xylophone.

Hardly a day goes by as an adult where somebody doesn't come up going,

"Dara, have you got your xylophone on you?

"I left my xylophone behind on a bus

"and I've got a major xylophone-based event coming up this evening."

Some day I would like to meet a professional xylophone player

just to go, "How did you get into the xylophone?"

In the off chance that they'll go, "Well, in my house, when I was

"growing up, the xylophone was just as important as apple, ball or cat."

And I'll go, "And is your sister a xylophone player?"

"No, she's an X-ray technician."

Cos they're only two words you can use.

You can only use xylophone and X-ray.

You can not use a third word beginning with X.

What is the third word beginning with X?

-MAN:

-Xenophobe!

-Xenophobia, well done, chap. Very good.

Xenophobia is the third word beginning with X.

Xenophobia, the irrational fear of foreigners.

I would give anything

to have an ABC in which the word for X was xenophobia.

Just to turn that page and go, "Look at those faces.

"They're different, aren't they, those faces?

"How does that make you feel inside?

"You're not sure how it makes you feel inside?

"You don't know what they want?

"They want your job."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I haven't ABC at home in which Y is for yacht.

What lifestyle are they preparing this child for?

Sitting on the yacht playing me xylophone.

He'll be standing on the edge of the boat, looking at the dark

faces in the harbour.

Then there are the things we do teach them in school

and we only teach them once. This wrecks my head.

There are entire tracts of history, for example, that we

only teach kids once.

And we don't teach them again later when they are older,

like a more nuanced, more political, more sophisticated version of it.

The Vikings are a very good example of this.

One of the great colonial powers of the last 1,000 years.

Swept across northern Europe, through Britain,

through Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, possibly as far as North America.

Held huge banquets in their own honour.

"Oh, we shall feast tonight, Ragnor, for we have one a great battle."

"Indeed we have, Erik.

"And they shall speak of our exploits for thousands of years."

"Who, Ragnor? Who shall speak of our exploits?"

"Mainly six- to eight-year-olds."

"Six- to eight-year-olds will love us, you know that?

"Oh, they'll do projects about our boats,

"they'll draw pictures of our sails they'll get our hats wrong."

Then there are the things that we teach kids

and the only reason we teach them to kids is because our parents

taught them to us, and I am calling bullshit on one of those tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Specifically, elbows off the table.

Excuse me, but what is the problem with an elbow on a table?

A table is elbow height. It is the ideal place to stick an elbow.

You can rest them, you can swivel them,

you can use them as base camp for the rest of the meal.

It is a fantastic thing to place an elbow. And yet...

The reason we say, "Elbows off the table," to our kids is

because our parents said, "Elbows off the table," to us.

And the reason they said, "Elbows off the table," to us

is cos their parents said, "Elbows off the table," to them

and frankly that's how religions get started.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

No more.

Stick your elbows on the table, knock yourself out, enjoy yourself, right?

Besides which, I'd imagine,

if you went through the social history of it,

you'd probably find out the whole elbows on the table,

with respect to yourselves, is an English Victorian or Edwardian thing,

that it was regarded as poor etiquette to

show your elbows off in a kind of a...

"Oh, Mr Darcy, thank you for joining us at Cavendish Hall

"for our annual Christmas celebration.

"Please come with me into the drawing-room.

"Elizabeth!"

"How are you, Mr Darcy?

"Have a look at that, Mr Darcy. Do you like what you see?"

"Elizabeth, don't bring shame upon this family."

"Fuck you, Mammy. I haven't got a husband.

"Plenty more where that came from, Mr Darcy."

Elizabeth, why do you have a Dublin accent?

And we learn things all the time. We're always learning,

always pushing back the levels of what we know.

You know me as a nerd, right?

I'm always across all these things, whether it's space,

technology, maths or whatever, or the brain - really excited about

the brain at the moment. There's a very big debate...

Sorry, getting nerdy for a second.

..in the brain about a thing called the gendered brain, which is

basically the scientific discussion of whether,

on that continuum of male and female brains,

whether there's genuinely a structural or chemical

difference between the two, or whether it's just a societal thing.

It's the eternal question, right? And I'm not an academic.

I can't offer something academic to that but nonetheless I can offer

one little observation about the male brain versus the female brain.

One thing that the male brain does that the female brain does not,

and this is not meant in any way to say it's a better thing or

a worse thing - it just is.

The male brain can enter a special state,

a special altered mode where the chemicals of

the male brain change dramatically.

It's not for long, it's just after an event,

an event occurs and, for five minutes after the event, the male brain

is a very different brain than it was just before the event.

Basically, there's a build-up to the event,

the event and then after the event,

and, after the event, it's a completely different universe

that the male brain is inhabiting for five...

Most men have now gathered what I mean by the event, right?

The event is a very happy event. It's the event, it's a good event.

Let me put it on a medical term.

In Ireland, the medical term is getting the ride.

That is the term used.

The male brain is awash with hormones cos they're constantly going,

"Will this lead to the ride? Find the ride.

"There must be a ride somewhere. Any ride here? No ride here.

"Go over there. Maybe there's a ride there."

Constantly telling you to get the ride. Then you get the ride

and these chemicals fuck off somewhere, right?

They leave you wandering around like you've been

released from a hostage situation going, "What has happened here?"

It's like the Matrix being switched off.

Suddenly, you see the universe as it truly is,

including all the hideous decisions you've made,

particularly in the build-up to the ride you've just had.

Who are you? What are we doing in this skip?

Jesus, what was I thinking for the last half-hour?

It is so profoundly different a chemical state in the male

brain that I think it should be legislated for.

Companies that trade in luxury goods were impulse purchases

should be required by law to take this into account.

So if a man walks into a fancy garage full of sports cars

and goes, "I want to buy a sports car. Oh, I want a sports car.

"Vroom-vroom-vroom. I wonder sports car."

That guy should be obliged by law to go,

"Well, I'd love to sell you a sports car.

"We have one of the greatest range of sports cars in the city here,

"I'd be delighted to sell you one.

"But unfortunately, under new legislation,

"I must first ask you to step into that little cubicle over there.

"Have a little wank for yourself, all right?"

Guaranteed three to five minutes later, the man will walk out

and go, "I don't want a sports car.

"What was I thinking? I have no need for a sports car.

"How can I bring the kids to school in a sports car? Jesus!

"What was I doing? Who am I? Where are you? How did I get here?

"Somebody take me home." Right?

Ladies, if you want truth from a man, you have a five-minute window

post-orgasm in which to ask him any question you want, right?

And you've literally five minutes before the chemicals rush back in

and the game begins again.

It is so profound and we should take this into account.

The worst thing it does, it offers clarity,

and clarity is a terrible thing to have when it comes to sex.

Not just sex but to all the stuff around sex.

Can I apologise to every woman in this room for the ludicrous shite

that you've had foisted upon you in the name of what we find horny?

Some of which I know you only do in a kind of a...

cos you think it's an ironic little joke.

You know all that kind of boop-boopy-doo shit, right,

that we'd occasionally get you to do cos you think it's a joke?

You're going "Ha-ha-ha, this is kind of a funny joke, isn't it?"

And we're going, "Yeah, yeah, just keep doing it."

"No, but you're enjoying this on an ironic level."

"Sure, whatever. Just sing Santa Baby, one more time."

I mean, lingerie is a perfect example of an entire global industry

based around this. Ludicrous clothing, right?

If you're ever with a woman and she comes out dressed in lingerie

and goes, "Is this what you like, is it?

"This is what you like, is it?"

You never feel more like an ape in a simian research laboratory

as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to

fathom how your lower brain works.

"Is this what you like, is it?

"Show me on the flash cards if this is what you like."

"Banana. Banana.

"Tyre on a rope, tyre on a rope, banana, banana, tyre on a rope."

I mean, stockings are a great example of this.

A ridiculous item of clothing, but incredibly specific.

This is where the sexy is.

This exact height is where the sexy is.

Don't be going lower than this, though. You've gone below the knee.

Pop socks, fuck off, no.

APPLAUSE

What?

How do we go from, "This is the best thing you could possibly..."

to, "This is the worst thing you could ever wear"?

That is an eight-inch journey from one part of the leg to another.

"Yes, yes, yes. No! No! No!

"Oh, I love it, love it.

"Ah, Jesus, put on some slippers and a housecoat

"and let's knock the whole thing on the head.

"Bring it up, bring it up, over the knee.

"Oh, lovely. Japanese schoolgirl, loving it.

"French maid, saucy.

"No, you've gone too far. You've gone too far now. Right."

"You said lift it up, is this too far?"

"Yes, yes, back down again.

"This is where the sexy lives. This exact specific height is where..."

What?

What is it in men communally, at some primal level,

that makes us go, "Do you know what I like?

"I like a woman who looks like she's been partially dipped in ink"?

Oh, we love it in nylon, not so much in waders, it turns out.

Otherwise men would be gathered by river banks constantly

during angling tournaments going, "Look at 'em in the water.

"Look at the dirty, dirty fisherman in the water."

"Do you like me waders, boys? Do you like me waders?

"My feet are dry."

Entire industries based around being sexually attractive to men

that missed the point entirely.

It must be a decade in the half that I've been a pole dancing club,

but I've never looking at the lady hanging off the pole,

or spinning on the pole or hanging upside down off the pole.

And you were there going, "Well done, pet.

"That's fantastic. Who are you doing that for exactly?

"I just want to look at you."

I could revolutionise the pole dancing industry with one move.

Just then next to the pole, take out one boob, bang it against the pole.

That is all we need to see.

We'd be there for hours, you couldn't tear us away from that.

The super clubs with three stages where Aurora is on one stage

and Athena is on another stage

and Mary is in the middle going, "Why are you wasting your energy?

"I just take out one tit, bang it against the pole.

"Look at them, they are hypnotised. They can't get enough of it.

"I do that for one song, for the second song, put that one in,

"take the other one out, go for the other side."

Ladies, you need to get your revenge, right?

You need to find something which is as ludicrous, as nonsensical

as the stuff that we have made you wear and do and act like

in the name of sexiness.

And I know it won't be something you find genuinely erotic.

Just pick a thing.

Pick a thing, just decide among yourselves and declare this to

be the most erotic thing you could possibly see on a man. Just decide.

Like a glove that goes up to mid arm, right?

Suddenly announce this is the most sexy thing

and, every birthday and Christmas, buy us another pair of these

and we'll get the box and shake it and go, "Hang on, what's in here?"

And we'll open up and go, "Is this another pair of these, is it?"

And you go, "Put them on!

"Put on your gun shows and let's have a look at you."

And make us walk around the bedroom going, "Is this what you like, is it?

"Are you sure? Are you sure you find this sexy?

"I'm not sure you find this sexy at all."

"I love it. Now take something off the shelf over there."

"Feck off, you're taking the piss now, right. Are you sure?"

"I love it. It's the sexiest thing ever. Keep walking around the room."

"Oh, come on now. Can I at least wear the black ones?

"The red ones make me feel slutty."

"Put them on. Now do the dirty thing."

"I will not do the dirty thing.

"This should be enough for you now what you're seeing here."

"Do the dirty thing. It's Mammy's night. Do the dirty thing, right?"

"OK, I'll do the dirty thing but don't tell anyone I did it.

"Look at my elbows!"

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

We have a fabulous show.

The laughs will hopefully just keep going and going as this goes on,

ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to bring out a lady who we've had

on Mock The Week a number of times

and she's always aced it every single time. It's a joy to have her here.

Please, take the roof off the place for Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Apollo.

CHEERING

I've made an effort this evening. I'm wearing a bit of make-up.

I don't wear make-up every day. I don't think you should, as a woman.

-Do you agree with that, girls?

-CHEERING

Yes. I think it's dangerous if you wear it every day,

cos that's the face you become used to seeing, isn't it?

I've got a mate who wears a lot of make-up every day

and then there's that one day when you see them without any

make-up at all and then you have to hide the horror on your face...

..when they open the door sans make-up and you're like,

"Oh, my God, where are your eyes?!

"Where are your eyes?

"You've got tiny, little eyes.

"They're usually so big and purpley.

"They're like two little peas floating in a pasta bowl."

Don't spend money on beauty products, girls. It's not worth it.

You know, cos you can spend a fortune on these things.

I picked one up the other day, I looked at the label,

it said in the fine print, "Can reduce the visible signs of ageing."

I thought, "Well, I don't need that." I don't need that.

I'll tell you why I don't need that.

Because if anybody is offended by my visible signs of ageing,

I simply get them to back up.

That's what I do.

I use a little thing called distance.

It's clinically proven to massively reduce...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

..those visible signs of ageing.

Distance, by L'Oreal. Cos I'm worth it.

We expect too much from products these days. We really do.

We expect ridiculous things from products.

I picked up a thing the other day.

I found in a pharmacy the other day, stress-relieving shampoo.

Think about that combination of words.

Stress-relieving shampoo.

I mean, I understand the words individually.

You put them together, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, does it?

At what point does a hair cleanser become the answer

to your stresses as a human being,

tossed about in a daily sea of shit?

When do you suggest to a mate that they use stress-relieving shampoo?

At what point? Do you wait for them to come up to you and go,

"Oh, Zo, Zo, it's all gone tits up, mate.

"Wife's left me, the kids hate me, business has gone under,

"I'm going to lose the house, I'm drinking too much.

"I can't see myself carrying on"?

Is it at that point...

..as a responsible mate, you interject with,

"Mate...

"Can't be that bad.

"Have you thought about using...

"..some eucalyptus and spearmint stress-relieving shampoo?

"I mean, I don't know whether it can help you with the divorce.

"You might need a conditioner for that but...

"..it's worth a try, isn't it?"

When you start looking at the wording in adverts

then you start to realise what nonsense they are.

Even second-hand adverts, things for second-hand products.

I was online the other night looking for a second-hand car, right?

I was using a well-known internet website

looking for a second-hand car. I found a car I was interested in,

had a little picture of the car, all the stats you'd need,

all the information about the car, all the figures you'd need, right?

But in addition to that, it had along the side,

just a little tag line, it just said, "One lady owner."

I thought, "What? What does that actually mean?

"What are they trying to say?" One lady owner.

What they're trying to say is that you're going to be buying

a slightly better car because it's been owned by a lady.

It doesn't actually make any sense, that, does it?

You just think, "Surely it depends on who the lady was." Just a lady.

It was just a lady.

I'm just suggesting if it was Boadicea,

the alloys might be slightly knackered, that's all.

It's the word "lady" as well in there that really grates with me.

Lady. It makes it sound like we all just drive around in bonnets,

doesn't it, girls? White gloves with a freshly baked Battenberg

steaming away on the passenger seat beside us,

as an overly friendly Yorkshire terrier bounces up and down

playfully in the window.

We listen to opera on a cassette, driving like a lady.

It's bullshit and I can tell you that for a fact because when

I sell the car that I own at the moment

I can legitimately use the strap line "one lady owner"

and I'll tell you exactly what that means.

It means last month I drove it for half an hour

with the handbrake on. That's what that means.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Half an hour.

We've all done five minutes.

Half an hour is resisting any information the car is trying

to give you, isn't it?

I managed to convince myself I was driving behind a mobile barbecue.

I was like, "Smokey, smokey."

So something else happened recently that I'd never thought

would happen for me. I got married very recently.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE

They changed the law - we now have equal marriage in this country.

Meant I could marry my girlfriend of 17 years.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I'm very happy. She's very, very...

lucky and...

It's great, though! I'm very proud to live in a country that now has

equal marriage. I think it is a wonderful thing.

People went out and campaigned for my right to have an equal

marriage and for that I am terribly proud and delighted.

Equality within marriage.

That's a whole different parade, isn't it?

Come on, don't tell me I'm the only person in this room that's ever

looked at their other half and thought to themselves,

"I'm probably the better one in this relationship."

I mean, you wouldn't say it, would you?

But you've thought it, haven't you?

Probably the team leader

of this little outfit we've got going on here.

She's Dutch, my wife. She speaks brilliant, brilliant English.

They're fabulous, the Dutch, when it comes to languages,

so it makes it doubly funny when she gets something wrong.

We were at home a few weeks ago, watching a programme

about people in persistent vegetative comas and...

-AUDIENCE MURMUR

-I know.

We don't have Netflix. You've got to watch what's on.

Literally a slave to the schedule.

It was quite upsetting, obviously, given the subject matter,

and at one point I turned to the wife,

she's having a little cry, I was like, "Oh, God, awkward."

I said, "Are you all right? Are you all right?"

She turned to me and she went, "I'm not, Zoe, I'm not.

"I'm finding this very upsetting, and I need you to promise me

"something after watching this documentary."

I said, "I will promise you anything, my darling.

"What is it you need me to promise you?"

"I need you to promise me...

"that if you truly love me...

"..you will switch me off...

"..if I ever become a vegetarian."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Obviously I made that promise. I...

Can't have the poor cow suffering, can we?

First mention of nut roast, she is out of here!

It's nice to see a lot of young people down the front here.

Hello, young people. Oh, it's lovely! Hello!

Oh, youth is a wonderful thing.

I'm here from your future to tell you, don't worry about getting older. Getting older is great.

We are youth-obsessed society

and we don't enjoy this effects of getting older as much as we should.

There are some brilliant advantages of getting older, you know?

You care...

..less and less...

..about more and more on a daily basis.

Everyday I wake up, and I think, "That's another thing I will no longer be giving a shit about."

It's just a slow unburdening of life. It's wonderful.

You've got to do less to give yourself a thrill, I'm finding, as well as you get older.

You know, when you're young, you are constantly doing stuff, aren't you?

Constantly out, constantly doing stuff. I was like that.

I was a real adrenaline seeker when I was younger.

I went backpacking round Australia, which is a beautiful country

if you like your racism in wide-open spaces.

LAUGHTER

I did all of those things that you do when you're young, you know, to give yourself a buzz.

Bungee jumping and white water rafting and all those things you do because momentarily,

you feel slightly closer to death because adrenaline is releasing,

don't you, therefore it makes you feel more alive.

And you don't have to do any of that, I've discovered,

when you get into your '40s.

To feel alive, you don't have to do any of that, just do what

I did this morning, getting out of the shower and have a little...

Oh, God!

Oh, my God.

Totally nearly died, then.

Phew!

I can hear the blood in my own ears.

It's time for handles, isn't it?

We always wondered when this day would come.

Handle day.

What constitutes an adrenaline rush just changes when you get older.

That's all I'm saying.

And you can't help but think about it these days, can you?

Cos we are awash with these insurance adverts on the television.

You've all seen them. You know the ones I mean?

"Have you thought about your own death? Get a free pen.

"Consider your own mortality, we will send you a pen.

"You could write your own will with the free pen we are going to send you.

"It might last longer than you, have you thought about that?"

One came on the other day, it was horribly morbid. Horribly morbid.

It just came on and went, "Have you thought about who will pay for your funeral...

"..the unfortunate event of your death?"

I've got to be honest, I sat there in my onesie...

..and I thought, "I have thought about that.

"It won't be me."

Surely that is the only advantage of being dead, isn't it?

That is absolutely not your round, is it?

"Zip me in a bin bag, I won't care. I's dead!"

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so, so very much.

It's been an absolute pleasure. So much fun. I've enjoyed it.

-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Zoe Lyons!

CHEERING

Let's keep that going as I bring on a man here who has filled

this very room on his national tour this year.

He's actually riding a wave at the moment.

Please give it up for the very funny Paul Chowdhry, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. What's happening?

-CHEERING

-You good?

Yeah. Just grew a bit of a beard, innit?

Just while I was waiting to go on.

You've got a massive beard there, Dave. A bit of a hipster, yeah?

See, you grow a beard, bit of a hipster.

I grew a beard, people think I have a one-way ticket to Syria.

Some guy called me Jaffar the other day.

I can't even make cakes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My tour is called PC's World. That's my initials, PC, PC's World.

I remembered the first time I told an audience I'm going to call

my new show PC's World, this guy shouted out,

"Don't call it PC's World, college Curries."

Thanks out there, you racist bastards.

I love London. I was born in London.

The thing I don't like about London are proper geezers,

those close talkers.

"What's happening, mate? Are you all right?

"What's happening, mate?"

"You are too close, that's what's happening.

"Let's keep this conversation at arm's length.

"You know you are too close to me

"if I've got to be cross-eyed while I talk to you.

"If I've got to breathe in while you breathe out...

"I'm like his girl for this geezer."

I like it. I haven't got much patience. I am the kind of geezer

that'll go to a restaurant... "Would you like a table?"

"No, I've come here to watch people eat.

"Forget the table, I'll do this shit on the floor."

I'm in a supermarket, I'm in a queue, people come up to me,

"Are you in the queue, mate?"

"No, I'm just standing behind 28 people with a basket full of food.

"Maybe I didn't leave a big enough gap between his arse and my groin.

"Next time I'll get in his basket.

"So you know I'm in the queue."

I get to the front of the till, "Would you like a bag?"

"I've got £45-worth of shopping here.

"No, forget the bag, I'll eat this shit right now.

"Get me some cutlery. We're going to be here for a long time."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just pour that milk into my pockets and stick that pineapple on my head.

I mean, I grew up in the '80s, man,

with proper homophobia around, you know?

Guys couldn't come out in the '80s.

You couldn't come out, could you, in the '80s?

LAUGHTER

Very different time.

America is even worse. America's got a scheme called Pray Away The Gay.

They think if you're gay they can take you to a church

and pray the gay out of you.

Surely if you're that confused about your sexuality,

the last thing you want to do is kneel in front of a priest.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's going to make matters worse.

I get death threats on a daily basis on Facebook.

LAUGHTER

That's pretty funny, innit?

"I'm going to mash you up, bruv, innit?

"I'm going to cut you up, fam. You don't know me, innit?"

"Yeah, make your mum pick you up from school first...

"..then think about killing me afterwards."

You know, you do status updates, do a tweet now and again.

There was a show on Channel 4 a few weeks ago called Muslim Drag Queens.

-Anyone see it?

-CHEERING

There is a lot of homophobia online,

so I thought, I'll do a joke about it.

I said, "The reason why it homophobic Asians are angry

"at the show Muslim Drag Queens is because when they go home

"they realise the drag queens are better looking than their wives."

LAUGHTER

People went nuts.

"I'm going to shank you up, fam!"

Who agrees with gay marriage?

CHEERING

-Who disagrees with gay marriage?

-SILENCE

LAUGHTER

They're not going to say it now, are they?

I think gay marriage is wrong.

BOOING

Cos if gay marriage catches on,

soon we're going to have gay arranged marriages...

..and I don't need that crap in my life.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Your dad's going to be like,

"I introduced you to 50 girls.

"You said no. Now bring the boys."

I went to South Africa.

I don't want to use a generalisation,

but in South Africa, white people have got the most dangerous animals.

Pet tigers, pet alligators.

One guy had a pet hippo!

In his garden! Pet hippo.

Even black people in Africa don't go anywhere near hippos.

"Have you seen a hippo?" "Yeah." "What did you do?" "I ran away."

"I just run..."

"..away."

And then they when a marathon.

It's called evolution, Dave.

This guy Marius Els had a pet hippo in his garden.

He made a YouTube video about the situation.

He goes, "I've got a hippo. I love hippos.

"I love to ride my hippo, I love to play with the hippo.

"I take the hippo shopping.

"I take it Nandos.

"He's like a son to me."

Know what happened?

Hippo ate the bastard!

And it was reported on the news - "Surprise hippo attack."

How can it be a surprise if you've got a hippo in your garden?

It's a surprise if you're walking outside the Hammersmith Apollo

and there is a tap on your shoulder...

..and there's a massive hippo behind you.

"I'm going to mash you up now, bruv, now, innit."

"What a surprise."

"Dave got bitten by a dog." "Where?" "Deep-sea diving."

"Well, that's a surprise dog attack."

Cos apparently we were all going to get wiped out by Ebola

earlier this year, remember that?

We were supposed to all get killed by Ebola.

What happened to Ebola?

As soon as a white guy caught it, they found a cure.

"Thank God for David.

"Billions of us dead.

"David catch it, we are saved now.

"He is our saviour."

Cos more black people get killed by hippos,

but CNN never even picked up the story. Like, "Hello, is that CNN?

"Yeah, my friend has been eaten by a hippo.

"Yeah, eat him. Yeah, he finished.

"Yeah, finished. Yeah, he dead.

"Yeah, finished.

"Yeah, finished.

"Yeah, dead. Yeah, finished!

"Finished. No, he was black.

"Hello?

"Bastard!"

It's like with CNN, this whole situation...

I heard about this other girl, Malala Yousaf. You hear about her?

-She won a Nobel Peace Prize.

-CHEERING

This girl got shot in the head by the Taliban

and still got ten GCSEs.

I always used to get compared to other people as children.

When you get compared to Malala Yousaf,

there's no coming back from that, is there?

"Malala Yousaf got ten GCSEs

"and she was dead!

"Even dead people are more clever than you!"

"I got a C."

"Yeah, you can "C" yourself out of this family.

"What about the B?" "Yeah, B for bastard."

She's got 15,000 likes on Facebook, you know that, Malala Yousaf?

But Kim Kardashian has got 25 million likes on Facebook

and no-one even knows what she does for a living.

What is she famous for? Having a massive arse.

His name's Kanye West.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I don't like it when people blame things on racism, though.

It's like I was watching this programme on BBC One

about parking tickets. A guy goes, "You gave me a ticket, bruv, innit?

"You gave me a ticket cos I'm not white, bruv.

"It's cos I'm not white I got a ticket."

I'm like, "Mate, you parked in a bus lane.

"It's cos you're not red."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've been a great crowd. Thanks a lot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Chowdhry.

CHEERING

What a night we've had here at the Hammersmith Apollo,

legendary location for top-quality stand-up comedy.

Have you had a good night? CHEERING

Give it up for Zoe Lyons. CHEERING

For Paul Chowdhry. CHEERING

I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight. Thank you very much.

That's all from Live At The Apollo. Goodnight.