Episode 2 Live at the Apollo


Episode 2

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Dara O Briain.

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CHEERING

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Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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Are you in good form? CHEERING

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Fantastic. Huge crowd here.

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It's a particular pleasure to be back on the stage here at the Apollo.

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A few years since I've been doing this,

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and since I've been touring.

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Well, not long, three years. But you do, as a performer go,

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"Will it have changed as I travel around, around the UK, just touring

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"the place, will people have changed, will the country...?

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One thing has changed since I last the last tour...

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There's a lot more pulled pork then there was three years ago.

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Where did the pulled pork appear from and how did we survive

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until now without it?

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Every menu, in every restaurant...

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"Do you want a bit of pulled pork with that? Have a bit of pulled pork. We'll slide a bit

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"of pulled pork into that, go on. You want a bit of pulled pork,

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"have a bit of pulled pork. Have a bit..."

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"It is a cheesecake.

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"It will not benefit in any way from the addition of pulled pork."

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One thing that happened... You're touring now,

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a bit older, kind of going,

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"What are we going to pass on to the next generation?"

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Particularly what do we teach our kids?

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I'm kind of in the middle of all that at the moment.

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I'm not going to give out...

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Anyone who's a teacher or in schools or any of that,

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good stuff, fantastic, good for you. LONE CHEER

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One of you out tonight.

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The rest off marking. So...

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It's not the stuff you teach. The stuff that we teach, right,

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I just find it bizarre. The preschool syllabus.

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The stuff that as parents you're supposed to drum into a kid's head.

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The stuff from nought to three.

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The stuff that presumably we as a society have decided

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is the fundamental, the bedrock information

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that we've got to drum into these...

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That syllabus is un-evolved.

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The amount of effort I put into teaching animal noises...

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..and pairing the same farm animal to the same farm animal noise to

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two children who live in the middle of London...

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At no stage is a cow going to wander randomly into the house,

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and them go, "Oh, my God, a cow. Baaah!"

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And me to go, "You fucking eejit.

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"It's a cow! We've been training for this situation for years now."

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Animal noises and ABCs.

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For those of you either before this or beyond this, ABCs are those

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big, thick-page books with one word per page in alphabetical order,

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and they make perfect sense at the start of the book.

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Oh, they're magical at the beginning of the book.

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But when you get to the back of the book,

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when you start doing the freak letters,

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you're putting the same amount of effort into teaching words

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to your children that you as an adult know well

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they will never get to use as an adult.

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Xylophone.

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The hours you spend... Look at the xylophone. Look at the xylophone.

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Hardly a day goes by as an adult where somebody doesn't come up going,

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"Dara, have you got your xylophone on you?

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"I left my xylophone behind on a bus

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"and I've got a major xylophone-based event coming up this evening."

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Some day I would like to meet a professional xylophone player

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just to go, "How did you get into the xylophone?"

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In the off chance that they'll go, "Well, in my house, when I was

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"growing up, the xylophone was just as important as apple, ball or cat."

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And I'll go, "And is your sister a xylophone player?"

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"No, she's an X-ray technician."

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Cos they're only two words you can use.

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You can only use xylophone and X-ray.

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You can not use a third word beginning with X.

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What is the third word beginning with X?

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-MAN:

-Xenophobe!

-Xenophobia, well done, chap. Very good.

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Xenophobia is the third word beginning with X.

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Xenophobia, the irrational fear of foreigners.

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I would give anything

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to have an ABC in which the word for X was xenophobia.

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Just to turn that page and go, "Look at those faces.

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"They're different, aren't they, those faces?

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"How does that make you feel inside?

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"You're not sure how it makes you feel inside?

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"You don't know what they want?

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"They want your job."

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I haven't ABC at home in which Y is for yacht.

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What lifestyle are they preparing this child for?

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Sitting on the yacht playing me xylophone.

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He'll be standing on the edge of the boat, looking at the dark

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faces in the harbour.

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Then there are the things we do teach them in school

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and we only teach them once. This wrecks my head.

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There are entire tracts of history, for example, that we

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only teach kids once.

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And we don't teach them again later when they are older,

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like a more nuanced, more political, more sophisticated version of it.

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The Vikings are a very good example of this.

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One of the great colonial powers of the last 1,000 years.

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Swept across northern Europe, through Britain,

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through Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, possibly as far as North America.

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Held huge banquets in their own honour.

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"Oh, we shall feast tonight, Ragnor, for we have one a great battle."

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"Indeed we have, Erik.

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"And they shall speak of our exploits for thousands of years."

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"Who, Ragnor? Who shall speak of our exploits?"

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"Mainly six- to eight-year-olds."

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"Six- to eight-year-olds will love us, you know that?

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"Oh, they'll do projects about our boats,

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"they'll draw pictures of our sails they'll get our hats wrong."

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Then there are the things that we teach kids

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and the only reason we teach them to kids is because our parents

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taught them to us, and I am calling bullshit on one of those tonight.

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Oh, yeah.

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Specifically, elbows off the table.

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Excuse me, but what is the problem with an elbow on a table?

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A table is elbow height. It is the ideal place to stick an elbow.

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You can rest them, you can swivel them,

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you can use them as base camp for the rest of the meal.

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It is a fantastic thing to place an elbow. And yet...

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The reason we say, "Elbows off the table," to our kids is

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because our parents said, "Elbows off the table," to us.

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And the reason they said, "Elbows off the table," to us

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is cos their parents said, "Elbows off the table," to them

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and frankly that's how religions get started.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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No more.

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Stick your elbows on the table, knock yourself out, enjoy yourself, right?

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Besides which, I'd imagine,

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if you went through the social history of it,

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you'd probably find out the whole elbows on the table,

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with respect to yourselves, is an English Victorian or Edwardian thing,

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that it was regarded as poor etiquette to

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show your elbows off in a kind of a...

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"Oh, Mr Darcy, thank you for joining us at Cavendish Hall

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"for our annual Christmas celebration.

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"Please come with me into the drawing-room.

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"Elizabeth!"

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"How are you, Mr Darcy?

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"Have a look at that, Mr Darcy. Do you like what you see?"

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"Elizabeth, don't bring shame upon this family."

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"Fuck you, Mammy. I haven't got a husband.

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"Plenty more where that came from, Mr Darcy."

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Elizabeth, why do you have a Dublin accent?

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And we learn things all the time. We're always learning,

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always pushing back the levels of what we know.

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You know me as a nerd, right?

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I'm always across all these things, whether it's space,

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technology, maths or whatever, or the brain - really excited about

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the brain at the moment. There's a very big debate...

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Sorry, getting nerdy for a second.

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..in the brain about a thing called the gendered brain, which is

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basically the scientific discussion of whether,

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on that continuum of male and female brains,

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whether there's genuinely a structural or chemical

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difference between the two, or whether it's just a societal thing.

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It's the eternal question, right? And I'm not an academic.

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I can't offer something academic to that but nonetheless I can offer

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one little observation about the male brain versus the female brain.

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One thing that the male brain does that the female brain does not,

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and this is not meant in any way to say it's a better thing or

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a worse thing - it just is.

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The male brain can enter a special state,

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a special altered mode where the chemicals of

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the male brain change dramatically.

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It's not for long, it's just after an event,

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an event occurs and, for five minutes after the event, the male brain

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is a very different brain than it was just before the event.

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Basically, there's a build-up to the event,

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the event and then after the event,

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and, after the event, it's a completely different universe

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that the male brain is inhabiting for five...

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Most men have now gathered what I mean by the event, right?

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The event is a very happy event. It's the event, it's a good event.

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Let me put it on a medical term.

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In Ireland, the medical term is getting the ride.

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That is the term used.

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The male brain is awash with hormones cos they're constantly going,

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"Will this lead to the ride? Find the ride.

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"There must be a ride somewhere. Any ride here? No ride here.

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"Go over there. Maybe there's a ride there."

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Constantly telling you to get the ride. Then you get the ride

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and these chemicals fuck off somewhere, right?

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They leave you wandering around like you've been

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released from a hostage situation going, "What has happened here?"

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It's like the Matrix being switched off.

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Suddenly, you see the universe as it truly is,

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including all the hideous decisions you've made,

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particularly in the build-up to the ride you've just had.

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Who are you? What are we doing in this skip?

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Jesus, what was I thinking for the last half-hour?

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It is so profoundly different a chemical state in the male

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brain that I think it should be legislated for.

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Companies that trade in luxury goods were impulse purchases

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should be required by law to take this into account.

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So if a man walks into a fancy garage full of sports cars

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and goes, "I want to buy a sports car. Oh, I want a sports car.

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"Vroom-vroom-vroom. I wonder sports car."

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That guy should be obliged by law to go,

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"Well, I'd love to sell you a sports car.

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"We have one of the greatest range of sports cars in the city here,

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"I'd be delighted to sell you one.

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"But unfortunately, under new legislation,

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"I must first ask you to step into that little cubicle over there.

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"Have a little wank for yourself, all right?"

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Guaranteed three to five minutes later, the man will walk out

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and go, "I don't want a sports car.

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"What was I thinking? I have no need for a sports car.

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"How can I bring the kids to school in a sports car? Jesus!

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"What was I doing? Who am I? Where are you? How did I get here?

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"Somebody take me home." Right?

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Ladies, if you want truth from a man, you have a five-minute window

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post-orgasm in which to ask him any question you want, right?

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And you've literally five minutes before the chemicals rush back in

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and the game begins again.

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It is so profound and we should take this into account.

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The worst thing it does, it offers clarity,

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and clarity is a terrible thing to have when it comes to sex.

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Not just sex but to all the stuff around sex.

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Can I apologise to every woman in this room for the ludicrous shite

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that you've had foisted upon you in the name of what we find horny?

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Some of which I know you only do in a kind of a...

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cos you think it's an ironic little joke.

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You know all that kind of boop-boopy-doo shit, right,

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that we'd occasionally get you to do cos you think it's a joke?

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You're going "Ha-ha-ha, this is kind of a funny joke, isn't it?"

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And we're going, "Yeah, yeah, just keep doing it."

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"No, but you're enjoying this on an ironic level."

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"Sure, whatever. Just sing Santa Baby, one more time."

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I mean, lingerie is a perfect example of an entire global industry

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based around this. Ludicrous clothing, right?

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If you're ever with a woman and she comes out dressed in lingerie

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and goes, "Is this what you like, is it?

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"This is what you like, is it?"

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You never feel more like an ape in a simian research laboratory

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as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to

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fathom how your lower brain works.

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"Is this what you like, is it?

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"Show me on the flash cards if this is what you like."

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"Banana. Banana.

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"Tyre on a rope, tyre on a rope, banana, banana, tyre on a rope."

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I mean, stockings are a great example of this.

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A ridiculous item of clothing, but incredibly specific.

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This is where the sexy is.

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This exact height is where the sexy is.

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Don't be going lower than this, though. You've gone below the knee.

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Pop socks, fuck off, no.

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APPLAUSE

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What?

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How do we go from, "This is the best thing you could possibly..."

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to, "This is the worst thing you could ever wear"?

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That is an eight-inch journey from one part of the leg to another.

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"Yes, yes, yes. No! No! No!

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"Oh, I love it, love it.

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"Ah, Jesus, put on some slippers and a housecoat

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"and let's knock the whole thing on the head.

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"Bring it up, bring it up, over the knee.

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"Oh, lovely. Japanese schoolgirl, loving it.

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"French maid, saucy.

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"No, you've gone too far. You've gone too far now. Right."

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"You said lift it up, is this too far?"

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"Yes, yes, back down again.

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"This is where the sexy lives. This exact specific height is where..."

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What?

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What is it in men communally, at some primal level,

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that makes us go, "Do you know what I like?

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"I like a woman who looks like she's been partially dipped in ink"?

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Oh, we love it in nylon, not so much in waders, it turns out.

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Otherwise men would be gathered by river banks constantly

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during angling tournaments going, "Look at 'em in the water.

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"Look at the dirty, dirty fisherman in the water."

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"Do you like me waders, boys? Do you like me waders?

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"My feet are dry."

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Entire industries based around being sexually attractive to men

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that missed the point entirely.

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It must be a decade in the half that I've been a pole dancing club,

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but I've never looking at the lady hanging off the pole,

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or spinning on the pole or hanging upside down off the pole.

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And you were there going, "Well done, pet.

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"That's fantastic. Who are you doing that for exactly?

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"I just want to look at you."

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I could revolutionise the pole dancing industry with one move.

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Just then next to the pole, take out one boob, bang it against the pole.

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That is all we need to see.

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We'd be there for hours, you couldn't tear us away from that.

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The super clubs with three stages where Aurora is on one stage

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and Athena is on another stage

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and Mary is in the middle going, "Why are you wasting your energy?

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"I just take out one tit, bang it against the pole.

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"Look at them, they are hypnotised. They can't get enough of it.

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"I do that for one song, for the second song, put that one in,

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"take the other one out, go for the other side."

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Ladies, you need to get your revenge, right?

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You need to find something which is as ludicrous, as nonsensical

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as the stuff that we have made you wear and do and act like

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in the name of sexiness.

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And I know it won't be something you find genuinely erotic.

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Just pick a thing.

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Pick a thing, just decide among yourselves and declare this to

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be the most erotic thing you could possibly see on a man. Just decide.

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Like a glove that goes up to mid arm, right?

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Suddenly announce this is the most sexy thing

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and, every birthday and Christmas, buy us another pair of these

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and we'll get the box and shake it and go, "Hang on, what's in here?"

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And we'll open up and go, "Is this another pair of these, is it?"

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And you go, "Put them on!

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"Put on your gun shows and let's have a look at you."

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And make us walk around the bedroom going, "Is this what you like, is it?

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"Are you sure? Are you sure you find this sexy?

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"I'm not sure you find this sexy at all."

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"I love it. Now take something off the shelf over there."

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"Feck off, you're taking the piss now, right. Are you sure?"

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"I love it. It's the sexiest thing ever. Keep walking around the room."

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"Oh, come on now. Can I at least wear the black ones?

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"The red ones make me feel slutty."

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"Put them on. Now do the dirty thing."

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"I will not do the dirty thing.

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"This should be enough for you now what you're seeing here."

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"Do the dirty thing. It's Mammy's night. Do the dirty thing, right?"

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"OK, I'll do the dirty thing but don't tell anyone I did it.

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"Look at my elbows!"

0:17:380:17:40

APPLAUSE

0:17:400:17:42

CHEERING

0:17:430:17:45

We have a fabulous show.

0:17:510:17:52

The laughs will hopefully just keep going and going as this goes on,

0:17:520:17:55

ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to bring out a lady who we've had

0:17:550:17:58

on Mock The Week a number of times

0:17:580:17:59

and she's always aced it every single time. It's a joy to have her here.

0:17:590:18:02

Please, take the roof off the place for Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen!

0:18:020:18:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:060:18:08

Hello, Apollo.

0:18:180:18:19

CHEERING

0:18:190:18:21

I've made an effort this evening. I'm wearing a bit of make-up.

0:18:210:18:24

I don't wear make-up every day. I don't think you should, as a woman.

0:18:240:18:27

-Do you agree with that, girls?

-CHEERING

0:18:270:18:28

Yes. I think it's dangerous if you wear it every day,

0:18:280:18:31

cos that's the face you become used to seeing, isn't it?

0:18:310:18:33

I've got a mate who wears a lot of make-up every day

0:18:330:18:36

and then there's that one day when you see them without any

0:18:360:18:39

make-up at all and then you have to hide the horror on your face...

0:18:390:18:44

..when they open the door sans make-up and you're like,

0:18:450:18:48

"Oh, my God, where are your eyes?!

0:18:480:18:51

"Where are your eyes?

0:18:510:18:52

"You've got tiny, little eyes.

0:18:530:18:56

"They're usually so big and purpley.

0:18:560:18:59

"They're like two little peas floating in a pasta bowl."

0:19:000:19:03

Don't spend money on beauty products, girls. It's not worth it.

0:19:060:19:09

You know, cos you can spend a fortune on these things.

0:19:090:19:12

I picked one up the other day, I looked at the label,

0:19:120:19:14

it said in the fine print, "Can reduce the visible signs of ageing."

0:19:140:19:17

I thought, "Well, I don't need that." I don't need that.

0:19:170:19:19

I'll tell you why I don't need that.

0:19:190:19:21

Because if anybody is offended by my visible signs of ageing,

0:19:210:19:25

I simply get them to back up.

0:19:250:19:27

That's what I do.

0:19:270:19:29

I use a little thing called distance.

0:19:290:19:31

It's clinically proven to massively reduce...

0:19:310:19:35

LAUGHTER

0:19:350:19:36

APPLAUSE

0:19:360:19:38

..those visible signs of ageing.

0:19:380:19:41

Distance, by L'Oreal. Cos I'm worth it.

0:19:440:19:47

We expect too much from products these days. We really do.

0:19:500:19:52

We expect ridiculous things from products.

0:19:520:19:54

I picked up a thing the other day.

0:19:540:19:56

I found in a pharmacy the other day, stress-relieving shampoo.

0:19:560:20:00

Think about that combination of words.

0:20:000:20:02

Stress-relieving shampoo.

0:20:020:20:04

I mean, I understand the words individually.

0:20:040:20:06

You put them together, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, does it?

0:20:060:20:09

At what point does a hair cleanser become the answer

0:20:090:20:13

to your stresses as a human being,

0:20:130:20:16

tossed about in a daily sea of shit?

0:20:160:20:19

When do you suggest to a mate that they use stress-relieving shampoo?

0:20:200:20:24

At what point? Do you wait for them to come up to you and go,

0:20:240:20:27

"Oh, Zo, Zo, it's all gone tits up, mate.

0:20:270:20:31

"Wife's left me, the kids hate me, business has gone under,

0:20:310:20:35

"I'm going to lose the house, I'm drinking too much.

0:20:350:20:39

"I can't see myself carrying on"?

0:20:390:20:40

Is it at that point...

0:20:420:20:43

..as a responsible mate, you interject with,

0:20:450:20:49

"Mate...

0:20:490:20:50

"Can't be that bad.

0:20:530:20:55

"Have you thought about using...

0:20:570:20:59

"..some eucalyptus and spearmint stress-relieving shampoo?

0:21:010:21:06

"I mean, I don't know whether it can help you with the divorce.

0:21:070:21:09

"You might need a conditioner for that but...

0:21:090:21:11

"..it's worth a try, isn't it?"

0:21:140:21:16

When you start looking at the wording in adverts

0:21:170:21:19

then you start to realise what nonsense they are.

0:21:190:21:22

Even second-hand adverts, things for second-hand products.

0:21:220:21:25

I was online the other night looking for a second-hand car, right?

0:21:250:21:28

I was using a well-known internet website

0:21:280:21:31

looking for a second-hand car. I found a car I was interested in,

0:21:310:21:33

had a little picture of the car, all the stats you'd need,

0:21:330:21:36

all the information about the car, all the figures you'd need, right?

0:21:360:21:39

But in addition to that, it had along the side,

0:21:390:21:41

just a little tag line, it just said, "One lady owner."

0:21:410:21:44

I thought, "What? What does that actually mean?

0:21:440:21:47

"What are they trying to say?" One lady owner.

0:21:470:21:49

What they're trying to say is that you're going to be buying

0:21:490:21:52

a slightly better car because it's been owned by a lady.

0:21:520:21:55

It doesn't actually make any sense, that, does it?

0:21:550:21:58

You just think, "Surely it depends on who the lady was." Just a lady.

0:21:580:22:01

It was just a lady.

0:22:010:22:03

I'm just suggesting if it was Boadicea,

0:22:030:22:05

the alloys might be slightly knackered, that's all.

0:22:050:22:08

It's the word "lady" as well in there that really grates with me.

0:22:090:22:12

Lady. It makes it sound like we all just drive around in bonnets,

0:22:120:22:15

doesn't it, girls? White gloves with a freshly baked Battenberg

0:22:150:22:18

steaming away on the passenger seat beside us,

0:22:180:22:20

as an overly friendly Yorkshire terrier bounces up and down

0:22:200:22:23

playfully in the window.

0:22:230:22:25

We listen to opera on a cassette, driving like a lady.

0:22:250:22:28

It's bullshit and I can tell you that for a fact because when

0:22:290:22:31

I sell the car that I own at the moment

0:22:310:22:33

I can legitimately use the strap line "one lady owner"

0:22:330:22:36

and I'll tell you exactly what that means.

0:22:360:22:38

It means last month I drove it for half an hour

0:22:380:22:41

with the handbrake on. That's what that means.

0:22:410:22:43

LAUGHTER

0:22:430:22:44

APPLAUSE

0:22:440:22:46

Half an hour.

0:22:490:22:51

We've all done five minutes.

0:22:510:22:54

Half an hour is resisting any information the car is trying

0:22:550:22:57

to give you, isn't it?

0:22:570:22:59

I managed to convince myself I was driving behind a mobile barbecue.

0:23:010:23:04

I was like, "Smokey, smokey."

0:23:040:23:06

So something else happened recently that I'd never thought

0:23:090:23:12

would happen for me. I got married very recently.

0:23:120:23:15

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:23:150:23:16

APPLAUSE

0:23:160:23:18

They changed the law - we now have equal marriage in this country.

0:23:180:23:21

Meant I could marry my girlfriend of 17 years.

0:23:210:23:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:240:23:27

Thank you.

0:23:270:23:28

I'm very happy. She's very, very...

0:23:300:23:32

lucky and...

0:23:320:23:34

It's great, though! I'm very proud to live in a country that now has

0:23:350:23:38

equal marriage. I think it is a wonderful thing.

0:23:380:23:40

People went out and campaigned for my right to have an equal

0:23:400:23:43

marriage and for that I am terribly proud and delighted.

0:23:430:23:46

Equality within marriage.

0:23:520:23:54

That's a whole different parade, isn't it?

0:23:580:24:01

Come on, don't tell me I'm the only person in this room that's ever

0:24:010:24:04

looked at their other half and thought to themselves,

0:24:040:24:07

"I'm probably the better one in this relationship."

0:24:070:24:10

I mean, you wouldn't say it, would you?

0:24:130:24:15

But you've thought it, haven't you?

0:24:150:24:17

Probably the team leader

0:24:170:24:18

of this little outfit we've got going on here.

0:24:180:24:21

She's Dutch, my wife. She speaks brilliant, brilliant English.

0:24:230:24:26

They're fabulous, the Dutch, when it comes to languages,

0:24:260:24:29

so it makes it doubly funny when she gets something wrong.

0:24:290:24:31

We were at home a few weeks ago, watching a programme

0:24:310:24:34

about people in persistent vegetative comas and...

0:24:340:24:37

-AUDIENCE MURMUR

-I know.

0:24:370:24:39

We don't have Netflix. You've got to watch what's on.

0:24:400:24:43

Literally a slave to the schedule.

0:24:460:24:49

It was quite upsetting, obviously, given the subject matter,

0:24:490:24:53

and at one point I turned to the wife,

0:24:530:24:55

she's having a little cry, I was like, "Oh, God, awkward."

0:24:550:24:58

I said, "Are you all right? Are you all right?"

0:25:000:25:03

She turned to me and she went, "I'm not, Zoe, I'm not.

0:25:030:25:05

"I'm finding this very upsetting, and I need you to promise me

0:25:050:25:10

"something after watching this documentary."

0:25:100:25:12

I said, "I will promise you anything, my darling.

0:25:120:25:13

"What is it you need me to promise you?"

0:25:130:25:15

"I need you to promise me...

0:25:150:25:17

"that if you truly love me...

0:25:170:25:19

"..you will switch me off...

0:25:200:25:21

"..if I ever become a vegetarian."

0:25:230:25:25

LAUGHTER

0:25:250:25:28

APPLAUSE

0:25:280:25:30

CHEERING

0:25:300:25:32

Obviously I made that promise. I...

0:25:370:25:40

Can't have the poor cow suffering, can we?

0:25:410:25:43

First mention of nut roast, she is out of here!

0:25:440:25:46

It's nice to see a lot of young people down the front here.

0:25:490:25:52

Hello, young people. Oh, it's lovely! Hello!

0:25:520:25:55

Oh, youth is a wonderful thing.

0:25:550:25:57

I'm here from your future to tell you, don't worry about getting older. Getting older is great.

0:25:570:26:01

We are youth-obsessed society

0:26:010:26:03

and we don't enjoy this effects of getting older as much as we should.

0:26:030:26:08

There are some brilliant advantages of getting older, you know?

0:26:080:26:10

You care...

0:26:100:26:12

..less and less...

0:26:120:26:13

..about more and more on a daily basis.

0:26:140:26:17

Everyday I wake up, and I think, "That's another thing I will no longer be giving a shit about."

0:26:180:26:22

It's just a slow unburdening of life. It's wonderful.

0:26:240:26:27

You've got to do less to give yourself a thrill, I'm finding, as well as you get older.

0:26:280:26:32

You know, when you're young, you are constantly doing stuff, aren't you?

0:26:320:26:35

Constantly out, constantly doing stuff. I was like that.

0:26:350:26:37

I was a real adrenaline seeker when I was younger.

0:26:370:26:39

I went backpacking round Australia, which is a beautiful country

0:26:390:26:43

if you like your racism in wide-open spaces.

0:26:430:26:45

LAUGHTER

0:26:450:26:49

I did all of those things that you do when you're young, you know, to give yourself a buzz.

0:26:490:26:52

Bungee jumping and white water rafting and all those things you do because momentarily,

0:26:520:26:56

you feel slightly closer to death because adrenaline is releasing,

0:26:560:26:59

don't you, therefore it makes you feel more alive.

0:26:590:27:01

And you don't have to do any of that, I've discovered,

0:27:010:27:03

when you get into your '40s.

0:27:030:27:04

To feel alive, you don't have to do any of that, just do what

0:27:040:27:07

I did this morning, getting out of the shower and have a little...

0:27:070:27:09

Oh, God!

0:27:090:27:11

Oh, my God.

0:27:190:27:20

Totally nearly died, then.

0:27:250:27:27

Phew!

0:27:300:27:32

I can hear the blood in my own ears.

0:27:340:27:35

It's time for handles, isn't it?

0:27:390:27:41

We always wondered when this day would come.

0:27:460:27:49

Handle day.

0:27:490:27:50

What constitutes an adrenaline rush just changes when you get older.

0:27:520:27:55

That's all I'm saying.

0:27:550:27:56

And you can't help but think about it these days, can you?

0:27:560:27:59

Cos we are awash with these insurance adverts on the television.

0:27:590:28:01

You've all seen them. You know the ones I mean?

0:28:010:28:03

"Have you thought about your own death? Get a free pen.

0:28:030:28:06

"Consider your own mortality, we will send you a pen.

0:28:080:28:11

"You could write your own will with the free pen we are going to send you.

0:28:110:28:15

"It might last longer than you, have you thought about that?"

0:28:150:28:18

One came on the other day, it was horribly morbid. Horribly morbid.

0:28:200:28:23

It just came on and went, "Have you thought about who will pay for your funeral...

0:28:230:28:26

"..the unfortunate event of your death?"

0:28:270:28:29

I've got to be honest, I sat there in my onesie...

0:28:290:28:33

..and I thought, "I have thought about that.

0:28:350:28:38

"It won't be me."

0:28:380:28:39

Surely that is the only advantage of being dead, isn't it?

0:28:450:28:48

That is absolutely not your round, is it?

0:28:480:28:50

"Zip me in a bin bag, I won't care. I's dead!"

0:28:510:28:54

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so, so very much.

0:28:560:28:58

It's been an absolute pleasure. So much fun. I've enjoyed it.

0:28:580:29:01

-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:010:29:03

Ladies and gentlemen, Zoe Lyons!

0:29:070:29:10

CHEERING

0:29:100:29:12

Let's keep that going as I bring on a man here who has filled

0:29:120:29:15

this very room on his national tour this year.

0:29:150:29:18

He's actually riding a wave at the moment.

0:29:180:29:20

Please give it up for the very funny Paul Chowdhry, ladies and gentlemen.

0:29:200:29:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:230:29:26

Yeah. What's happening?

0:29:390:29:41

-CHEERING

-You good?

0:29:410:29:44

Yeah. Just grew a bit of a beard, innit?

0:29:440:29:47

Just while I was waiting to go on.

0:29:470:29:49

You've got a massive beard there, Dave. A bit of a hipster, yeah?

0:29:510:29:54

See, you grow a beard, bit of a hipster.

0:29:540:29:55

I grew a beard, people think I have a one-way ticket to Syria.

0:29:550:29:59

Some guy called me Jaffar the other day.

0:30:020:30:05

I can't even make cakes.

0:30:050:30:07

LAUGHTER

0:30:070:30:09

APPLAUSE

0:30:090:30:12

My tour is called PC's World. That's my initials, PC, PC's World.

0:30:140:30:19

I remembered the first time I told an audience I'm going to call

0:30:190:30:21

my new show PC's World, this guy shouted out,

0:30:210:30:23

"Don't call it PC's World, college Curries."

0:30:230:30:26

Thanks out there, you racist bastards.

0:30:300:30:32

I love London. I was born in London.

0:30:370:30:39

The thing I don't like about London are proper geezers,

0:30:390:30:42

those close talkers.

0:30:420:30:43

"What's happening, mate? Are you all right?

0:30:430:30:46

"What's happening, mate?"

0:30:460:30:48

"You are too close, that's what's happening.

0:30:480:30:51

"Let's keep this conversation at arm's length.

0:30:510:30:54

"You know you are too close to me

0:30:540:30:55

"if I've got to be cross-eyed while I talk to you.

0:30:550:30:59

"If I've got to breathe in while you breathe out...

0:30:590:31:01

"I'm like his girl for this geezer."

0:31:030:31:06

I like it. I haven't got much patience. I am the kind of geezer

0:31:060:31:09

that'll go to a restaurant... "Would you like a table?"

0:31:090:31:11

"No, I've come here to watch people eat.

0:31:110:31:14

"Forget the table, I'll do this shit on the floor."

0:31:140:31:18

I'm in a supermarket, I'm in a queue, people come up to me,

0:31:180:31:22

"Are you in the queue, mate?"

0:31:220:31:23

"No, I'm just standing behind 28 people with a basket full of food.

0:31:230:31:26

"Maybe I didn't leave a big enough gap between his arse and my groin.

0:31:280:31:30

"Next time I'll get in his basket.

0:31:320:31:35

"So you know I'm in the queue."

0:31:350:31:37

I get to the front of the till, "Would you like a bag?"

0:31:410:31:44

"I've got £45-worth of shopping here.

0:31:440:31:46

"No, forget the bag, I'll eat this shit right now.

0:31:480:31:51

"Get me some cutlery. We're going to be here for a long time."

0:31:530:31:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:560:31:59

Just pour that milk into my pockets and stick that pineapple on my head.

0:32:030:32:08

I mean, I grew up in the '80s, man,

0:32:110:32:13

with proper homophobia around, you know?

0:32:130:32:16

Guys couldn't come out in the '80s.

0:32:160:32:18

You couldn't come out, could you, in the '80s?

0:32:180:32:20

LAUGHTER

0:32:200:32:22

Very different time.

0:32:220:32:24

America is even worse. America's got a scheme called Pray Away The Gay.

0:32:240:32:29

They think if you're gay they can take you to a church

0:32:290:32:32

and pray the gay out of you.

0:32:320:32:34

Surely if you're that confused about your sexuality,

0:32:370:32:40

the last thing you want to do is kneel in front of a priest.

0:32:400:32:43

LAUGHTER

0:32:430:32:45

APPLAUSE

0:32:450:32:48

It's going to make matters worse.

0:32:500:32:53

I get death threats on a daily basis on Facebook.

0:32:530:32:56

LAUGHTER

0:32:560:32:58

That's pretty funny, innit?

0:32:580:33:00

"I'm going to mash you up, bruv, innit?

0:33:000:33:02

"I'm going to cut you up, fam. You don't know me, innit?"

0:33:020:33:06

"Yeah, make your mum pick you up from school first...

0:33:060:33:08

"..then think about killing me afterwards."

0:33:100:33:13

You know, you do status updates, do a tweet now and again.

0:33:130:33:15

There was a show on Channel 4 a few weeks ago called Muslim Drag Queens.

0:33:150:33:19

-Anyone see it?

-CHEERING

0:33:190:33:21

There is a lot of homophobia online,

0:33:210:33:22

so I thought, I'll do a joke about it.

0:33:220:33:24

I said, "The reason why it homophobic Asians are angry

0:33:240:33:27

"at the show Muslim Drag Queens is because when they go home

0:33:270:33:30

"they realise the drag queens are better looking than their wives."

0:33:300:33:33

LAUGHTER

0:33:330:33:38

People went nuts.

0:33:380:33:40

"I'm going to shank you up, fam!"

0:33:400:33:42

Who agrees with gay marriage?

0:33:430:33:46

CHEERING

0:33:460:33:48

-Who disagrees with gay marriage?

-SILENCE

0:33:480:33:51

LAUGHTER

0:33:510:33:52

They're not going to say it now, are they?

0:33:520:33:54

I think gay marriage is wrong.

0:33:540:33:57

BOOING

0:33:570:33:59

Cos if gay marriage catches on,

0:33:590:34:01

soon we're going to have gay arranged marriages...

0:34:010:34:03

..and I don't need that crap in my life.

0:34:080:34:10

LAUGHTER

0:34:100:34:12

APPLAUSE

0:34:120:34:13

Your dad's going to be like,

0:34:160:34:18

"I introduced you to 50 girls.

0:34:180:34:19

"You said no. Now bring the boys."

0:34:190:34:21

I went to South Africa.

0:34:270:34:29

I don't want to use a generalisation,

0:34:290:34:31

but in South Africa, white people have got the most dangerous animals.

0:34:310:34:35

Pet tigers, pet alligators.

0:34:350:34:37

One guy had a pet hippo!

0:34:370:34:39

In his garden! Pet hippo.

0:34:400:34:42

Even black people in Africa don't go anywhere near hippos.

0:34:420:34:46

"Have you seen a hippo?" "Yeah." "What did you do?" "I ran away."

0:34:460:34:48

"I just run..."

0:34:510:34:52

"..away."

0:34:550:34:56

And then they when a marathon.

0:34:590:35:00

It's called evolution, Dave.

0:35:060:35:07

This guy Marius Els had a pet hippo in his garden.

0:35:090:35:12

He made a YouTube video about the situation.

0:35:120:35:14

He goes, "I've got a hippo. I love hippos.

0:35:140:35:18

"I love to ride my hippo, I love to play with the hippo.

0:35:180:35:23

"I take the hippo shopping.

0:35:230:35:25

"I take it Nandos.

0:35:250:35:27

"He's like a son to me."

0:35:280:35:30

Know what happened?

0:35:300:35:32

Hippo ate the bastard!

0:35:320:35:33

And it was reported on the news - "Surprise hippo attack."

0:35:350:35:39

How can it be a surprise if you've got a hippo in your garden?

0:35:390:35:42

It's a surprise if you're walking outside the Hammersmith Apollo

0:35:430:35:46

and there is a tap on your shoulder...

0:35:460:35:48

..and there's a massive hippo behind you.

0:35:500:35:53

"I'm going to mash you up now, bruv, now, innit."

0:35:530:35:55

"What a surprise."

0:35:560:35:57

"Dave got bitten by a dog." "Where?" "Deep-sea diving."

0:36:010:36:04

"Well, that's a surprise dog attack."

0:36:050:36:07

Cos apparently we were all going to get wiped out by Ebola

0:36:090:36:12

earlier this year, remember that?

0:36:120:36:14

We were supposed to all get killed by Ebola.

0:36:140:36:15

What happened to Ebola?

0:36:150:36:17

As soon as a white guy caught it, they found a cure.

0:36:170:36:19

"Thank God for David.

0:36:230:36:24

"Billions of us dead.

0:36:260:36:27

"David catch it, we are saved now.

0:36:270:36:29

"He is our saviour."

0:36:310:36:34

Cos more black people get killed by hippos,

0:36:340:36:36

but CNN never even picked up the story. Like, "Hello, is that CNN?

0:36:360:36:40

"Yeah, my friend has been eaten by a hippo.

0:36:400:36:43

"Yeah, eat him. Yeah, he finished.

0:36:430:36:45

"Yeah, finished. Yeah, he dead.

0:36:460:36:50

"Yeah, finished.

0:36:500:36:51

"Yeah, finished.

0:36:520:36:54

"Yeah, dead. Yeah, finished!

0:36:540:36:57

"Finished. No, he was black.

0:36:570:37:01

"Hello?

0:37:010:37:02

"Bastard!"

0:37:030:37:05

It's like with CNN, this whole situation...

0:37:080:37:10

I heard about this other girl, Malala Yousaf. You hear about her?

0:37:100:37:13

-She won a Nobel Peace Prize.

-CHEERING

0:37:130:37:16

This girl got shot in the head by the Taliban

0:37:180:37:21

and still got ten GCSEs.

0:37:210:37:24

I always used to get compared to other people as children.

0:37:240:37:26

When you get compared to Malala Yousaf,

0:37:260:37:28

there's no coming back from that, is there?

0:37:280:37:31

"Malala Yousaf got ten GCSEs

0:37:310:37:33

"and she was dead!

0:37:330:37:34

"Even dead people are more clever than you!"

0:37:360:37:39

"I got a C."

0:37:390:37:40

"Yeah, you can "C" yourself out of this family.

0:37:400:37:44

"What about the B?" "Yeah, B for bastard."

0:37:440:37:46

She's got 15,000 likes on Facebook, you know that, Malala Yousaf?

0:37:500:37:55

But Kim Kardashian has got 25 million likes on Facebook

0:37:550:38:00

and no-one even knows what she does for a living.

0:38:000:38:03

What is she famous for? Having a massive arse.

0:38:040:38:07

His name's Kanye West.

0:38:080:38:10

LAUGHTER

0:38:100:38:12

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:38:120:38:14

I don't like it when people blame things on racism, though.

0:38:190:38:21

It's like I was watching this programme on BBC One

0:38:210:38:23

about parking tickets. A guy goes, "You gave me a ticket, bruv, innit?

0:38:230:38:26

"You gave me a ticket cos I'm not white, bruv.

0:38:260:38:28

"It's cos I'm not white I got a ticket."

0:38:280:38:30

I'm like, "Mate, you parked in a bus lane.

0:38:300:38:34

"It's cos you're not red."

0:38:340:38:36

LAUGHTER

0:38:360:38:38

APPLAUSE

0:38:390:38:41

You've been a great crowd. Thanks a lot.

0:38:410:38:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:430:38:45

Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Chowdhry.

0:38:520:38:55

CHEERING

0:38:550:38:57

What a night we've had here at the Hammersmith Apollo,

0:38:590:39:02

legendary location for top-quality stand-up comedy.

0:39:020:39:04

Have you had a good night? CHEERING

0:39:040:39:06

Give it up for Zoe Lyons. CHEERING

0:39:060:39:09

For Paul Chowdhry. CHEERING

0:39:090:39:12

I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight. Thank you very much.

0:39:120:39:14

That's all from Live At The Apollo. Goodnight.

0:39:140:39:17

The famously quick-witted Dara O Briain introduces two of comedy's biggest stars - razor-sharp comic Zoe Lyons and the talented Paul Chowdhry.


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