Episode 3 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight...

-Noel Fielding.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey!

Woo!

Ah, Live At The Apollo!

CHEERING

How are you doing? CHEERING

Hammersmith, massive.

You all right in the top shelf?

CHEERING

Top shelf, feeling pretty good.

Bottom shelf, troglodytes. Are you good?

CHEERING

Oh, yeah!

Just you, sir.

Woo!

That's right, he didn't shit it.

Woo! LAUGHTER

Solo Mexican wave.

Mexican splash. LAUGHTER

-What's your name, sir?

-Mike.

You'll always be Mexican Splash to me.

LAUGHTER

Oh, look at the state of me.

It's like Ronnie Wood and Max Wall had a child.

LAUGHTER

OK. So, I'm 40... I'm over 40 now.

I mean, how did that happen?

WHOOPING

Don't whoop that. It's embarrassing.

How many...? WOLF WHISTLE

Are you wolf-whistling an over-40?

How many people in the room we got over 40?

CHEERING

That's a weak response. LAUGHTER

There are more of you. It's just that you're saving energy.

I know that. LAUGHTER

When you're 40 or over, you cannot be putting your hand up.

You'll waste your energy.

To be fair, you shouldn't even be out. You've got work tomorrow.

It must have been a struggle to get you here.

LAUGHTER

"Do I have to come? There's a really good episode of Poirot on."

"Come on, we're going to see some comedy."

"Oh, God. Can I come in my slippers?"

That sounded wrong.

LAUGHTER

No.

I'm not implying that 40-year-olds just stay in

and jizz in their moccasin.

LAUGHTER

I'll come on again.

HE LAUGHS

How many people have we got under 40?

LOUD CHEERING

That's what I'm talking about, you show-offs.

Like a sea of John Travoltas. Woo!

If you put your hand up when you're under 40, it's like that.

Woo!

When you're over 40, it's like a cat cleaning its ear.

HE IMITATES CAT MEOWING

LAUGHTER

Do you know what it's like being over 40?

It's like being a day-old helium balloon.

You're not in the sky any more.

And you're not quite on the floor.

You're sort of hanging about here.

A, sort of, mid-range fiasco.

LAUGHTER

"I used to be up there.

"I'm not down there any more."

"Ricocheting gently off the surfaces."

Occasionally threatening to land.

"Whoa... No."

Oh, helium balloons.

We got any helium balloons on the front?

Anyone over 40 on the front?

Come on, sir, what about you? Are you over 40?

-I'm over 60, mate.

-You're over 60? Are you? Really?

Have you got the secret of the fountain of youth?

-You're a helium balloon, though, right?

-Yeah, that's it.

Me and you, yeah? That's right, me and you.

When you're 40, you have to align yourself with someone else who's 40.

And that way, safety in numbers. LAUGHTER

The worst thing about being 40 is the hangovers.

I can't deal with it any more.

Like, I used to be able to drink and drink and...

I still try but I'm rubbish at it, yeah.

I used to be able to drink so much and at the most,

my liver would give me a little cheeky warning the next day.

Like a mogwai. Quite cute.

It'd go... HE IMITATES MOGWAI

LAUGHTER

AS MOGWAI: Brah, brah, brah-brahhhh.

Now, I'm over 40, my liver comes in like Chewbacca. Kicks the door down.

HE IMITATES CHEWBACCA: Grrrrrrr!

Gets me in a headlock.

AS CHEWBACCA: Grrrrrrrrr!

All right! I won't do it again!

LAUGHTER

It's a nightmare...over 40.

What's it all about?

It's so weird.

The weirdest thing that started happening to me...

I got to 40 and this just happened the day after I turned 40.

I started walking with my hands behind my back.

LAUGHTER

For no reason other than it's more comfortable.

Who am I? Prince Charles?

Last time I was in that position, I was 14.

I'd been caught smoking weed. I was on my way to the cell for a night.

"Oh, flipping hell. My mum's going to kill me.

"Caught by the fuzz."

Now, I'm admiring St Pauls.

IN PLUMMY VOICE: "What a wonderful structure."

LAUGHTER

Look at the state of me. I used to be cool.

I look like a trendy art teacher now.

When does that happen?

When you go from being quite cool to...

"Is that guy a trendy art teacher?" LAUGHTER

"Hey, kids, don't call me Mr Fielding, yeah?

"Just call me Noel."

Trendy art teacher, yeah.

"See these paintbrushes?

"Ha! That's right, we won't be needing them.

"We're doing conceptual art."

I'm embarrassing.

# I'm made of milk

# You're made of milk

# We're both made of milk

# But we're living in separate glasses. #

LAUGHTER

Too early for the milk song? LAUGHTER

It was a bit out of the blue, wasn't it?

It was a slightly sexual milk song.

Actually, how old are you?

25? That's fine. I don't want a Rolf Harris situation.

LAUGHTER

That broke my heart, I'll tell you that much.

I mean, Savile, we knew he was a paedophile

even before we knew what the word meant.

Yeah, he's one.

But Rolf, that killed me.

Anyway, 25, we're in. Are you ready?

Sexual milk song.

Oh, shit. I've gone all shy now.

Are you with Mexican Splash?

He's all man.

Just concentrate on the legs, eh?

# I'm made of milk. #

HE LAUGHS

You've done me. You've beaten me just with your glare.

Come on then, let's see what you've got.

I'm like the worst lap dancer in history.

OK.

Trendy art teacher. Trendy art teacher.

# I'm made of milk

LAUGHTER Tstt!

# You're made of milk

# We're both made of milk

# But we're living in separate glasses

# Oh, baby, push yourself against the clear surface. #

LAUGHTER

That just came off weird, didn't it?

I built that up too much.

OK, lighten it. I've got a cheeky milk song.

# I'm made of milk I'm coconut

# You're made of milk You're rice milk

# He's made of milk He's almond

# We're all middle-class milk

LAUGHTER

# Do you remember when milk came from cows?

# That was fricking ages ago

# I'm made of milk I'm almond

# You're made of milk You're breast milk

# He's made of milk He's Coffee-Mate.

# We don't really talk to him

LAUGHTER

# He's a kind of chav milk. #

IN PLUMMY VOICE: Hi, yeah, Almond. Yeah, it's Soya.

Having a little soiree on Saturday actually. Yeah, yeah.

No, bring a few peeps along.

Yeah... No, don't invite Coffee-Mate. Jesus!

LAUGHTER He's a right chav.

Coffee-Mate will win, though.

I is Coffee-Mate, mate.

He will win, yeah.

Because in the future, if there's an apocalypse, yeah,

the mutants will want a nice cup of tea.

All the milk will be off, yeah,

except for Coffee-Mate. LAUGHTER

It's powdered milk. You can snort it, you can put it up your anus.

It lasts forever. LAUGHTER

I love it.

I love it cos it's a bit of a chavvy milk

and I was a bit of a chav.

I represent the Croydon massive.

CHEERING

I was a chav when I was a teenager

and then I went to art school and I had to hand in my chav notice.

LAUGHTER

I was heartbroken.

HE IMITATES CHAV: Oh, my gosh. What? Like, I can't be a chav any more?

No. You're going to be doing collages and shit.

LAUGHTER

I had a chav badge. I had to hand it in.

I'm going to miss you guys.

But then I came out of art college and I used to get beaten up by chavs.

That's the irony. LAUGHTER

I used to wear, sort of, silver catsuits.

Chavs did not like that. LAUGHTER

And I found there was no time to explain that I was a former chav.

But wait... No, no, no, no.

LAUGHTER

The best thing a chav ever said to me.

He saw me in a pink outfit and he went,

"Oh, my gosh. What is you?"

LAUGHTER

So brilliant, that. It's like poetry. Street poetry.

It's so economical.

What. Is. You.

And I went,

"Yes."

And he went, "No." LAUGHTER

My favourite chav story ever, though.

There were some chavs outside Costcutter, yeah.

And basically, this woman went past and fell over.

And they didn't do anything to help. They just went...and laughed.

And the woman was about 45. I thought, "This is a nightmare."

So, I ran over and helped her. She was like a mum.

And I picked her up and said, "Are you OK?"

And she wasn't drunk or anything, she said, "I had a knee operation.

"My knee just gave way." So, I sent her on her way.

And I couldn't leave it.

Cos I used to be a chav, I'm quite South London, yeah.

I thought, "I'm going to have to have a go at them."

I was pushing my luck - there was about ten of them.

So, I sent the lady on her way and I went,

"What's wrong with you? A lady falls over, you just laugh.

"That's unbelievable."

And they didn't say anything and I got really cocky.

And I thought, "Oh, I'm in so much trouble here."

I went, "Imagine if that was your mum.

"You'd just leave her on the floor?"

And this chav came out and said the best thing

anyone's ever said...ever.

He came out and went,

"Yeah, the thing is, my mum don't fall over."

LAUGHTER

You cannot argue with that kind of chav logic.

Totally won me over.

I got her back and threw her back down.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Are you ready for your first act? CHEERING

Top shelf, are you ready for your first act?

CHEERING Bottom shelf, are you ready?

CHEERING

Mexican Splash.

-Woo!

-LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onto the stage

the amazing Dane Baptiste.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

-Are you guys well? Are you good?

-CHEERING

So, I'm happy to be here as a part of, you know,

helping BBC with their diversity quota.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's good. Yeah.

And I'm sure some of you can tell, I am descended from immigrants.

LAUGHTER

Which is always a contentious thing to say

because especially in current society,

whenever you hear the word 'immigrant' people start going

into the rhetoric. "These immigrants are coming here

"and they are stealing our jobs. What's happened to my country?

"These immigrants are coming here and they are stealing our jobs."

Let me ask you guys a question.

You ever seen a job getting stolen before?

I've never seen a job getting stolen before.

I've never seen terrorists go into an open-plan office and be like,

"Are you here for secretary interview?"

"Erm, yes. Yes, I am."

"Well, this is a hijack, and you play it cool, we get this job together."

"Now, you tell 'em you can work well as an individual."

"I can work well as an individual."

"And as part of a team."

"I'm very good with teamwork as well as my own initiative. I'm..."

"Now, you tell 'em you can use all the Microsoft Office applications...

"..including Microsoft Access."

"Nobody can use Microsoft Access.

-LAUGHTER

-"I don't want to die."

That's never happened before.

You know, I grew up in South London. I've never been walking down

the street with my friends and a police van pulls up and says,

"Can we speak to you boys for a second, please?"

"I'm sorry, what's this about, Officer?"

"Been a few job thefts in the area and er...

LAUGHTER

"..just wanted to make some enquiries."

"Well, excuse me. I'm an unemployed drug dealer.

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Officer."

"No, no, don't try it. You seem well-dressed.

"You appear educated and I can see in your eyes distinct signs

"of career aspirations.

"I don't know about you boys, looks a bit ambitious.

"Let's do a quick check.

"Hold on a minute, there's a USB key here.

"Just give that a quick check, Sarge.

-"There's a CV on this USB key!

-LAUGHTER

"How are you in possession of a curriculum vitae?"

"Don't know what you're talking about. Must have been planted on me."

"You're under arrest for stealing jobs. Get in the van.

"Imagine looking for recruitment in broad daylight."

-LAUGHTER

-That never happens.

I don't imagine any of you guys have ever been out with your friends

having after-work drinks, having a good time, like,

"Hey, guys, we're having a great time. What a great week. Oh...

"Oh.

-"Sorry, has anyone seen my job? I...

-LAUGHTER

"Look, guys, stop. Seriously, I can't find my job anywhere.

"Guys, I think someone's taken my job. No, I...

"No. I went into the toilet, I was a paralegal secretary.

"I've come out. I can't find my job anywhere and...

"Well, they've taken my maternity leave.

"I was going to have a baby with that."

And then someone comes up to me and they're like,

"Hey, sorry to disturb you. I saw the whole thing.

"There were some Romanians in here earlier and they...

LAUGHTER

"..appeared to be interested in the legal profession. So, you know."

That never happens. Never happens.

But I want to confess something to you guys

cos I feel like we're all family now.

I just want to say to the ladies in the room that,

it's not easy having a penis.

No, no. I know we make it look like a lot of fun

but with great power comes great responsibility.

LAUGHTER

So, it's not always easy being a man cos, you know,

I'll do a quick check now.

How many men in here are proud to still be virgins?

-Any male virgins in the room?

-SPORADIC SHOUTING

OK. One guy.

One guy. That's the thing.

As much as men talk about sex, we hardly ever acknowledge the fact

that we were virgins at some point. We never acknowledge our virginity.

I grew up in South London where I never had the best sex education.

Where I grew up you got sex tips like,

"Well, you know what, yeah. "If you drink Coke and she drinks

Pepsi, she can't get pregnant, so..."

That's not helpful. Not helpful.

For me, I remember what it was like to be, like, a virgin.

I remember when I first became sexually aware,

I woke up with two new friends - my virginity and my libido.

But my libido was too weak and small and inexperienced to talk.

So, my virginity did all the introductions.

He was like, "Hey, Dane, I'm your virginity.

"I'm going to make sure that you remain pure and innocent

"and you can't have sex for a very long time. Yay!"

"How are you going to do that, Virginity?"

"Well, basically, I'm going to make sure your voice never breaks and

"takes a long time and you don't grow any pubic hair,

"so you think you have a medical condition. Yay!"

Which made it very difficult for me to speak to girls. Cos I'd be with a

girl and be like, "Hey, Simone. I really like you." She'd be like,

"Oh, I like you too, Dane. Maybe we should take this to the next level."

Then my virginity would be like, "He does like you, Simone, but he

"likes PlayStation and Fifa and comic books and milkshakes and purity. Yay!"

It was tough. And then my parents would get involved.

My mum would say, "Dane, your virginity keeps destroying your

"socks. I'm not going to buy you any more till you get that under control."

And then my virginity would chime in again and be like,

"He's just exploring himself and sex by himself

-"is the safest way to have it. Yay!"

-LAUGHTER

And that was the early part of my teenage years until finally

my libido got big enough and strong enough to approach me too.

He came up to me one day too and was like,

IN LOW VOICE: "Hey, Dane, can I speak to you for a second, please?"

LAUGHTER

"What's this about, Libido?"

"Well, it's about your virginity.

"I was thinking it's about time that we got rid of him."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that we take him out...

"..permanently."

VIRGINITY: "What are you guys talking about?

"Is it purity and innocence? Yay!"

LIBIDO: "Oh, Virginity, I didn't realise you were here.

"Why don't you come along for a ride to Simone's house?"

LAUGHTER

And just like that, after having that companion for 18 years,

my virginity was gone in seven minutes and 23 seconds.

LAUGHTER

Er, that's two R&B songs, thank you very much.

LAUGHTER

And the thing is, I didn't really think I would miss my virginity

but my life was a lot less complicated before sex came along.

Cos all I have left now is my libido

and we have very different conversations compared to what I had

with my virginity.

Cos I'd be out with my libido on a weekend and he'd be like,

"Hey, Dane, you see that girl in the dress over there?"

And I'd be like, "Yeah, she must be cold, it is November."

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"Oh... No. No, I see her.

-"Oh, boobies. Blah, blah, blah."

-LAUGHTER

Cos that's the thing, once your libido awakens

then it takes over your body as a man

and becomes the CEO of your manhood.

And it's backed by the major shareholders The Balls Brothers.

LAUGHTER

Some very heartless capitalists down there.

It's tough because despite having the best moral intentions,

you've always got stakeholders with their own agenda.

Cos I've come to them with very noble proposals like,

"Hey, guys. I'm thinking about maybe giving part of myself to somebody.

"Getting out of the game, settling down and raising a family."

And they'll say, "Well, Dane, thank you for coming to the meeting.

"While we understand your need for paternity leave,

"there are still markets in Asia you have yet to exploit."

LAUGHTER

"Well, what does that mean?"

"It means, until you've been with a blonde Eskimo,

"you're never getting out of the game."

LAUGHTER

"Cos we down here are all about diversity, Dane."

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening.

I've been Dane Baptiste. I'll see you guys soon. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dane Baptiste, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Mexican Splash. Are you having a good time?

Helium Balloon.

OK, are you ready for your next act?

CHEERING

Put your hands together, go wild.

Welcome onto the stage Al Porter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Are you all having a goodnight?

CHEERING

Wow, what an amazing theatre.

It's great to be here. My name is Al.

I'm 22.

If any of you are wondering looking at me,

and I know some of you do wonder, you know

"Oh... Is he, isn't he?"

LAUGHTER

Obviously, I am.

I'm from Dublin.

LAUGHTER

I'm actually from quite a rough part of Dublin.

I know I'm overdressed but look at my face.

I think if you can't hide it, decorate it.

And I'm from a council estate.

Where I'm from it's the kind of place where Father's Day

is a very mysterious day.

LAUGHTER

Father's Day on my estate is like Halloween.

Kids go door-to-door.

"How are you, Da? How are you, Da? How are you, Da?

-"Ma, who else is on your list?"

-LAUGHTER

We have newsagents for Father's Day that just have cards that read,

"To whom it concerns."

Nice place, though. I mean, my da is a working-class man's man.

You know, he's from the inner-city. His name is Mick.

You know, he's a real man's man from the inner-city.

When he had his son, he wasn't expecting me.

LAUGHTER

He always says to me,

"I thought growing up with the lads around here would have hardened ya."

-And I said, "It did."

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We were very happy this year. Great year for the gays in Ireland.

You know, first country in the world to introduce same-sex marriage

-by popular vote.

-CHEERING

I think my dad was very happy about it.

You know, for years he was saying he wanted to give me away.

And my favourite thing about gay marriage now is that finally

Don't Tell The Bride is going to be a decent programme.

-LAUGHTER

-I love it. I think it's great.

Especially if it's two women and we tell neither of them.

LAUGHTER

I watch that all the time with my mam and you would love my mother.

My mother is like a jigsaw puzzle, where all the pieces do fit together

but when you stand back you go, "Oh...

"..they're not for the same picture."

LAUGHTER

She is brilliant.

We were talking about boob jobs. You know, getting the titties done.

And I told her I knew someone who had their fifth one done.

And her reaction was, "Jesus!

"Where would you get a bra with five tits on ya?"

LAUGHTER

But some people would look down on that. I think that's great.

Can you imagine how enjoyable your life would be,

if you woke up every morning and had no idea what was going on?

LAUGHTER

Like, it's so enjoyable.

I wake up, I worry about tax and insurance and all that.

She wakes up and goes, "Ha, I'm alive again. That's great."

And just goes about her day.

So we'll watch Don't Tell The Bride, right.

Now, if you don't know it,

Don't Tell The Bride is where a woman forgoes her dignity...

LAUGHTER

..so that the telly will pay for her wedding.

And she always sits right...

So, she sits looking at the camera, doesn't she, girls?

And she's going, "Oh, I'm very nervous. Yeah.

"He can be a bit of an 'ejeet', really.

"I hope he doesn't ruin it.

"Like, I love him but he's a bit of an arse hole.

-"Do you know what I mean?"

-LAUGHTER

And I hate to generalise

but this is where the woman you are watching it with loses her shit.

I don't watch it, I watch my mam.

Cos the woman on the telly is going, "I'm very nervous.

"Like, will he get me the right venue? The right flowers?

"The right dress?"

And my mother is going, "Just tell him what you want."

"Just tell him what you want.

"Why would you leave it to chance? Just tell him what you want."

"Will he get me the right kind of band? I always wanted a swing band.

"You know what I mean?"

"Did you tell him you wanted a swing band?

"Why don't you tell him you want a swing band, he'll get you a swing

"band. Why would you leave it to chance?"

"Will he get me the right honeymoon? I always wanted to Barbados."

"Tell him you want to go to Barbados.

"Tell him what you want.

"Three months, you're getting e-mails -

"'You will be on Don't Tell The Bride.'

"Tell him what you want, you mad bitch."

LAUGHTER

One time it was so bad she left the room.

She actually got up and goes,

"I can't be in the same room as that 'ejeet'."

LAUGHTER

But the thing is the woman did tell him what she wanted

but he's always a manly, manly man.

He's Tadhg from the country.

There's cutaways of him grazing in fields.

"How ya getting on?"

"Just organising the wedding. How are you? Are you well?"

He's so butch, he's the kind of man who could shop in Jack & Jones.

Oh, Jack & Jones is the straightest clothing in the world.

Oh, no, it is.

They could do tokens for the men who shop there to save them time.

Just walk in and the woman goes, "What can I get you?"

-And they go, "Two clothes, please."

-LAUGHTER

"What are you looking for?"

"The top half and the bottom half.

"Thank you very much."

Yet invariably, every episode -

and this really pisses me off - ends the same way.

She just sits there going, "Oh, he did a great job really.

"Yeah, it was amazing."

And then she's done up as a Star Trek character.

LAUGHTER

She's had to get married on the back of a chip van.

"Oh, yeah. I always wanted to honeymoon in Glasgow."

And I'm going,

"Ya lying bitch."

Cos she's lying.

She didn't love it.

She loved that she didn't pay for it.

I want an honest episode. Do you know what I mean?

Like, one where the girl walks into the venue and she goes,

HUMS WEDDING MARCH BY FELIX MENDELSSOHN

"Oh...

HE SHRIEKS

HE SHRIEKS LOUDER

HE SHRIEKS HYSTERICALLY

You ruined it!!

LAUGHTER

HE SOBS

I. Fucked. Your. Brother. Anyway.

LAUGHTER

That I would watch.

I tell you one thing, I overheard my da describing me recently.

I was in the football club.

I was getting him a pint and I was over here, let's say.

He's talking to men who haven't seen me since I was, like, ten years old.

And I heard him go, "That's Al, me youngest.

"I'm very proud of him.

"Very proud of him.

"Being an entertainer, following his dream.

"Rings his mother every day. Very proud of him."

And I thought, "That's lovely."

Cos he would never say anything like that to my face.

And then I heard him say...

"Fucking goes around giving blow jobs."

LAUGHTER

He says, "I tell you, lads, he doesn't get that from me.

"And he certainly doesn't get it from his mother."

LAUGHTER

Apollo, you've been lovely. I love you very much.

-Thank you and goodnight.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Al Porter, ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woo! Ah, what a brilliant night.

-You had a goodnight, Mexican Splash?

-Yeah.

Brilliant. What about you, Helium Balloon?

Show's over but me and you could go backstage.

I've got some fresh moccasins. LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been amazing. You've been beautiful.

Let's have...a round of applause for Dane Baptiste, ladies and gentlemen!

Al Porter, ladies and gentlemen!

You've been absolutely amazing.

Thank you. I've been Noel Fielding. Cheers! Goodnight!