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This programme contains some strong language.
MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight -
Good evening, Hammersmith Apollo.
How are we doing? We good?
I'm hosting this bitch.
Nice to be here, man. Nice to be here. I'm very excited.
I'm really excited, man. I'll be honest, I'm a bit tired.
I am tired, man. I'll tell you why - a few months ago,
my wife gave birth to our third child.
Well, thank you very much,
but I don't know if I want a third child or not.
It's just too many, innit?
I know it's late in the day to be having doubts, but...
Jesus Christ, there's too many people in the world.
But I've had another one.
Has anyone here got more than two kids?
See what I mean? It's a mistake.
What a massive error, man, but what can you do?
You can't kill them.
Just got to sit there and wait to die.
just, "Ugh...happiness is gone, man,
"I'm just going to wait for this to end, I think."
First kid's lovely.
The second one's a prick - that-that's the honest truth of it.
What an unacceptable human being this little arsehole is. I mean...
..we're doing these behaviour charts, man.
You know, when they get stickers for if they're good.
The first one, he's so lovely.
SWEETLY: "Hello, Daddy. How can I help you, Daddy?
"Love you, Daddy."
So we got targets for him to get stickers like,
"Be good today," "Be helpful to your friends."
The second one, you can't have those targets, man.
You got to ratchet the targets down for this arsehole.
You've got to have things like, "Don't burn anything."
"No knife crime." These are the...
These are the targets you've got to have for this shithead.
Anyway, he got to a point...where he managed to get five stickers.
Not that impressive - it's over a six-month period, right?
But he got five stickers and I said to him,
"We can get you a couple of things, buy you a couple of presents."
Went down to the shop, he chose two things.
He chose a Spider-Man costume
and he chose a little pushchair with a little doll in it.
I said to him, "You can have both those things."
The problem was that he wanted to use those things at the same time.
So the next time I went out with him, we're down the park
with this kid with a Spider-Man costume pushing a pushchair,
looking like a Father For Justice.
Just a horrendous little tribute act.
But it does make you worry, you know.
It makes me worry, "Am I a good enough person to have kids?"
I don't know.
I'm trying to get more intellectual, starting to read articles and stuff,
trying to be more newsy, get more newsy,
get more clued-up about stuff.
I read this article recently about rap music.
I'm a massive rap fan. Are there rap fans in?
Big up yourselves, yeah?
I'm a massive rap fan. I was reading this article,
it said that rap music can perpetuate negative stereotypes
about black people.
Because if you don't know any black people,
then you watch a Snoop Dogg video,
apparently you think all black people are like that.
It's a very interesting article.
Also made me realise that I have 100% contributed to racism
throughout my life.
And I'll tell you why - I'm such a grumpy prick when I'm out and about
that if you bumped into me and you were on the fence about Asians...
..I reckon I'd push you over.
I think I'm part of the problem.
Because white people - you don't realise how lucky you are.
If one of you is a prick to me, I just think you're a prick.
I don't think all white people are pricks.
I'm a bloody representative.
Your interactions with me determine how you feel about brown people.
It's all right if I'm in London -
there's enough browns to balance it out, right?
But if I'm in bloody Devon...
..I've got to behave like I'm C-3PO.
AS C-3PO: "No, sir, I'm not a local." You know? And...
And, the truth is, I don't get that much racism. I get funny shit.
I'll get like an older guy come up to me and go,
"Do you know what? You're one of the good ones."
And I think that's funny. I've got no issue with that.
I think if you've got an issue with that,
you need to get the chip off your shoulder, do you know what I mean?
If you're older and you grew up in a time
when it's all right to say stuff like that,
and then times move on and you're not politically correct any more,
that's not your bloody fault.
I think if you're older, you should just be given a card...
..that says, "I can call you what I want."
Cos older people have got enough shit to worry about
without worrying about being politically correct, haven't they?
"Got a false hip, I pissed myself this morning...
"..now you're telling me I can't say 'darkie'?!" You know?
I'm quite happy, if I bump into an older person, just to give them
the old wobble-head to make them feel comfortable. Know what I mean?
EXAGGERATED SOUTH ASIAN ACCENT: "Thank you very much, sir.
"No problem at all. You're very kind."
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's just a sign of respect.
I started to... I did start to get worried, though,
because I was sort of thinking, in the run-up to the last election,
Ukip were starting to get popular
and I was thinking, "Oh, God. What does that mean for my family?"
And then I realised I don't actually know anything about Ukip.
So I thought, you know,
"I'll go and check it out, see what they're all about."
I went to the website.
Do you know what? It's a nice website.
Just thought, "It's all right, I'm on board with this."
Started looking at the policies, start thinking, "Do you know what?
"I don't know if I disagree with a lot of this.
"Want to take tax off the minimum wage, I'm in total agreement."
Got to the end of it and I thought, "Holy shit...
"I think I might be Ukip."
I got on the phone to my mum, I said to her,
"Mum, what have you REALLY contributed?"
And do you know what? I wasn't that happy with her answers.
That's the honest truth of it.
She might have to go.
My mum, she actually, um...
She doesn't think I'm a proper Asian.
That's the sad thing about it. My mum calls me a coconut.
Don't know if you've heard this term -
brown on the outside, white on the inside.
That's what my mum calls me. "You're a coconut."
The reason my mum calls me a coconut
is because I'm originally Sri Lankan,
my mother tongue is Tamil, I can't speak it.
And the reason I can't speak it is because my mum and dad
never spoke it to me when I was growing up,
and now I don't know it...
..and my mum blames me.
So she'd go to me... HE IMITATES TAMIL
"I don't know what you're on about." "Why don't you know?!"
And then we'll go out and my mum will slag me off
to her Sri Lankan friends in front of me.
Like I don't know what's going on. Do you know what I mean?
HE IMITATES TAMIL "..coconut..."
"Er, I know what you're saying, Mum.
"I know what you're saying. I get the gist."
Then she'd try to code that shit up so I don't understand.
HE IMITATES TAMIL "..Bounty..."
"I know what a Bounty is!"
HE IMITATES TAMIL "..Kinder Surprise..."
"All right, Mum!"
I worry about... I worry about lots of things.
You know, getting older, I started to worry about the end of the world.
I don't know if that's something anybody else worries about,
but I started to get really nervous about Ebola.
Really scared the shit out of me.
And I tell you why it scared the shit out of me -
because they've got screenings at the airports in this country,
and they're voluntary.
They're voluntary screenings, man!
Who is going to spend more time at the airport
to find out if they might have Ebola?
"I've got a massive Toblerone to tuck into, mate -
"I haven't got time to find out if I'm going to die today."
It's difficult enough to fly out of this country as it is,
the security measures are disgraceful.
I'm going through a midlife crisis.
I wore a camouflage jacket to Heathrow a few weeks ago.
I might as well have said, "Could I please have a rectal exam?"
I said to my friends, "I'm done with this airport security.
"I'm so done with it. I'm fed up with it."
Do you know what she said to me? "Don't be so bloody selfish.
"Do you know why we've got those security measures?
"Because we don't want the terrorists to win.
"So why don't you suck it up, Romesh?
"We don't want the terrorists to win, OK?"
I understand that argument
but how do we know what the terrorists' initial goal was?
What if their initial goal was just to make air travel fucking annoying?
Because if that was their initial goal, mate,
they've smashed it out the park.
"We don't want the terrorists to win."
"Yeah, just put your belt in that bucket, nobhead.
"Congratulations on your victory."
"The infidels will have to take their shoes off even if it's an internal flight!"
HE LAUGHS EVILLY
There's lots of signs of the end of the world, aren't there?
These diseases are one of them. Another one is Gogglebox.
It's definitely the end of the world, innit?
People are watching people watch television.
Does that not feel like the end of the world to you?
Does anyone here watch Gogglebox?
Yeah, you should be executed.
I can't believe this TV programme exists, man.
I can't believe it.
What a damning indictment of every other piece of TV that's being made.
Can you imagine, you poured your heart and soul into some drama
and you say, "How's the drama doing in the ratings?"
"Not that well, mate." "What's it being beaten by?"
"It's being beaten by some people that are WATCHING the drama."
What a kick in the dick.
Listen, I don't deny it's entertaining.
I don't deny it's entertaining watching Gogglebox
but the problem is it puts you under pressure in your own house.
Puts you under pressure, man.
I don't want to have performance anxiety before I watch TV.
Cos I'll sit down to watch TV, we'll flick it on, Gogglebox is on,
they're all like banter, banter, banter.
And then my wife will go, "Why is not like this when we watch TV?"
"I'll tell you why it's not like this,
"cos we switch this on so I don't have to talk to you."
That's the whole point of TV. "This has died, let's switch this on.
"I've got my phone here,
"you're literally third in line in terms of my attention."
I know I don't sound like a good husband, I'm aware of that.
I sort of realised I should be a better husband but I can't be arsed.
My wife deserves better,
she needs a better man but I've got no inclination to be that person.
I'm sort of thinking what should I do? I decided the best solution -
let her have a boyfriend.
I really think that's the best solution.
Once you get over the initial stigma,
what a wonderful solution to the situation that is.
Don't have to worry about childcare -
we've got an extra baby-sitter in Andy.
You got a mate!
You don't have to worry about your sexual performance
cos Andy's smashing it on the regular.
It's a win-win situation, and you can try and psyche each other out,
you can say, "Andy, let's go out for a drink."
You know when you complain about your other half?
Now you're complaining about the same person.
Complaining about the same person, bruv.
You can try and psyche him out by saying things like,
"Isn't it weird when she does her multiple orgasm face?
"Oh, you haven't seen it?"
I'm addicted to my phone, man, I'm addicted to my phone.
Are there any iPhone users in?
Any Android phone users in?
Yeah, I got a problem with you.
What a self-satisfied, smug bunch of pricks you are.
Oh, my God. Aren't they proud of themselves
that they've got an Android...
"Have you got an iPhone?" "Er, no!
"I'm not a sheep.
"I can make up my own mind about what phone I buy,
"thank you very much."
You haven't unplugged from The Matrix, all right?
You're not off the grid because you bought a Samsung, all right?
It's a massive corporation, it's not a little family owned business,
two brothers Sam and Sung who set up a little market stall
and knock out phones.
You're not better than me, all right?
And they love talking about the battery life, oh, my God.
"I imagine you're looking for a plug point?"
Shut up, mate!
The shit battery life on smartphones is the best thing about them
cos when the battery runs out, then I'll interact with my kids.
Cos I've got no willpower.
I'll be down the park, I'll be like, "That's run out.
"Better find out where they're going with those old men."
The phone companies have got to admit that they've made
the phones too good.
They're too good for humans.
They are. Because I'll be out with my wife and she'll say to me,
"Why are you constantly - you're constantly, you're constantly
"on the phone. You're constantly..."
"Why not, madam?
"I've got a little box here that can access any website,
"I can play games, I can watch films,
"why the fuck would I want to hear about your rash?"
"There is nothing you can say to me that can compete with this.
"I'm watching Game Of Thrones. Say something better than that."
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
You ready for our first act this evening?
Ladies and gentlemen, go wild, go crazy for the fantastic Jason Byrne!
OK, so I was Australia, right? What a place. Any Australians here?
See? They sound like nice people, don't they?
They're not. They're horrible.
You don't know this.
You see them on the telly on Bondi Rescue going,
-"Look, we just rescued that guy. Aren't we nice?
"Yes, we are nice.
"We're always nice. Look at this, it's nice here.
"Do you want a smoothie? That'd be nice. We're nice."
They say terrible things, right?
And the reason why they can say terrible things is that they
live miles away.
And you can't get to them on time. They'll say something terrible,
it'll take you four days to get there, right?
Then by the time you get there you forget why you went there, right?
So, while I was there...
I left the place, I was leaving, cos my friend Tom,
he's from Perth, and he said, "Where are you going?"
I says, "I'm going back to Britain and Ireland.
"I'll be there for the summer." And he went,
-"That'll be nice, the summer there, that'll be nice."
I went, "Well, not really. Be pretty shit, actually."
He's never left Australia.
He went, "Well, it's not going to be as hot as here but it'll still be nice."
"No, it'll be kind of rainy and then sunny and then rainy again
"and then sunny and then cold, then really hot, then freezing,
then shit, then cloudy, rainy, snow. Don't know."
I said, "Britain and Ireland, they're quite cold,
"quite draughty places."
And I couldn't believe this! He went, "What's a draught?"
What's a draught?!
I went, "What do you mean you don't know what a draught is?"
He goes, "What is it?"
"Well, it's, er, it's in your house."
"That's where it exists, it goes into the bottom of the house
"and goes upstairs and, er...
"It's a draught, surely you know what a draught is."
He goes, "There's a breeze in your house?!"
He goes, "Is the front door open?"
"No. No, that's closed.
"And there's a draught excluder along the bottom here,
"in the shape of a snake, to stop any type of wind getting in."
And your dad has gotten some tissue and stuffed it in the bottom lock
to stop any more breeze.
In Britain and Ireland...
We're the only people in the world that will go asleep to this
noise, we don't mind.
We will go and sleep in our freezing cold rooms beside a window
and we will go asleep to this... We're the only people in the world
who do this. We lie down and go to sleep to...
HE MIMICS HARSH WIND CHANGING PITCH
We just like misery. That's what we're like.
I've been doing stand-up 20 years now.
I've been with my wife 18 years, which is great,
cos I love her, it's brilliant.
Well done, all the ladies clapping. Well done.
And this happened - the gastric flu came to our house, right?
Not at the door!
In a hood...
"I'm the gastric flu."
I got it first, OK? I don't know if there's any doctors here
but what happens is you puke quite a lot on the gastric flu.
And me being a man, I'm not a good patient, OK?
And I was getting sick and, as I was getting sick,
I thought my heart was stopping,
as I was getting sick.
So I was in the toilet...
I called to my wife, "Brenda?"
She was in the kitchen, and 20 minutes later she came.
She got in the doorway and went, "What? What?"
I said, "Every time I get sick, my heart stops beating.
"We might need to call an ambulance."
And she, erm, she walked away.
I could have died there, girls, I could have died.
Right? And then about a week later I got better and then she got it, OK?
I was delighted, right?
In a lovely way, in a loving way, delighted.
OK? And she was really bad.
She was getting sick every hour as well except she's a lady.
Oh, my God, she played the sickness to her advantage.
Cos she was in the toilet - this is no lie - and she was getting sick
and at the same time she was trying on jeans. That is not a lie!
That is how mental women are. She was going...
And going, "Oh, my God, I'll be into these by 11 o'clock."
So she was shuffling around the house all day.
She didn't do her hair or her make-up, she was in her
dressing gown, she was really ill, and I didn't even notice, right?
Cos I was better, so it didn't matter any more.
So she sat down on the couch,
it was about a quarter to six in the evening, OK?
And I looked at her and said something you should never
say to a lady at that hour, never, no matter where you are.
I looked at her and I said,
"Erm... Any chance of a dinner?"
She looked at me and she went, "What did you just say?"
In my innocence I went, "Erm... It's just that it's a quarter to six
"and, erm, normally there's some sort of preparation in that area.
"Like pots and pans. Is that...
"is that not happening tonight, no?"
She stood up and went, "Have you not seen how sick I am?
"Puking everywhere, I've got a fever,
"I just want someone to hold me!"
She then just drifted off through the house, right?
I could hear her like a ghost, just banging into shit and puking
and pissing and moaning, right?
Oh, and nobody got a dinner, by the way. Nobody.
Me and the lads had to have Cheerios, which is disgraceful!
So this went on all day,
the moaning and no matter what I did it didn't matter.
So about half ten at night I said, "Feck this, I'm going to bed,
"I can't listen to this shit any more, right?"
So I went up to bed and I was reading a book
and about 11 o'clock when the kids are asleep,
my wife appeared in the doorway, right?
It was amazing. She had her bare leg and she was rubbing it up
and down the doorframe.
She looked at me and she went, "Do you fancy a bit of whoop-de-do?"
I'm a married man - a lot of married people know what I'm talking about -
that stuff doesn't just happen.
I put the book down and went, "Er, yes, please."
"I'd very much like some whoop-de-do, if that's OK."
So she went, "Wait there," and she left.
I took my socks off. I don't know why you do that.
Got some baby wipes, had a shower in the bed.
Watch out for the baby fresh smell, girls,
when you return to the bedroom.
And she appeared back in the doorway, right?
And she was wearing a negligee, she looked amazing,
I couldn't believe it!
She just looked gorgeous, and she had flowers covering this bit
and this bit and there was a deer jumping over here.
Men are so unusual, girls, we love to nearly see things.
That's what we like to see - nearly.
I've seen that a thousand times but still I was in the bed going,
"Oh, my God, what's behind the flowers?
"Oh, my God, she's hiding something. That deer's a dirty deer.
"What's the deer doing? It's a dirty deer, it's jumping over something
"and it's dirty. I'm going to find out what it is!
"Dirty! Dirty, dirty deer. A dirty deer."
She then got...
she then got into the bed in her negligee.
It was still on, I was so excited.
She started kissing me very gently on the face, right?
It was very nice, very beautiful.
I was going, "Oh, my God, I'm loving this."
Then it was my go and be careful, lads,
if you haven't kissed your wife that gentle for a while,
don't mess it up cos you can mess it up just like that.
If you stick your nose in her eye, it's all over.
That's how quick it can happen. Just kiss, kiss, eye.
"Me feckin' eye!
"I'm not in humour any more, that's over, this is over,
"I'm going downstairs to watch Bake Off, you can sort yourself out."
That wouldn't happen to a bloke.
Even if your eye fell out in the middle of it...
Your wife would be going, "What's wrong with you?"
"Me eye fell out!"
"Your what?" "Me eye! It's in me hand."
"Do you want to stop?" "No!
"Here, I'll put me eye on your arse, it'll be all right."
"Oh, my God, I can see meself banging you - that's weird!"
You have to be careful...
I am not sitting beside my wife when this goes on telly.
I kiss her very gently, avoiding the eye, right?
And she was really liking it, she was going,
"Oh, my God, you're such a beautiful husband, I love you so much.
"Keep kissing me. Oh, I love it there, that's lovely as well.
"Oh, my God, you're so brilliant, I love you."
She's American for this bit, I don't know why.
"I love you, keep kissing me, keep kissing me."
And then she must have been really liking it cos she turned around
and put her back to me and she went, "Do you want to try it this way?"
I just went, "Oh, yeah."
She put her back to me and she edged up to me and went...
HE MAKES FART NOISE
She then turned around, faced me, and went, "Ha!
"Ya feckin' idiot!
"I told you I was sick!"
She goes, "I've been holding that in for an hour!
"You want to see your face,
"you actually thought you were going to get it, didn't you?!"
She got out of the bed, took off the negligee,
put her pyjamas back on - with the rabbits and the cats on it, right? -
got back in, put a hot water bottle on her chest
and laughed herself to sleep.
Thanks a million, ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant!
Jason Byrne, ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, ready for our next act?
Oh, yes, we are.
Please go wild and crazy for the fantastic Stewart Francis!
Thank you, thank you very much.
Let me just start by saying that it is an absolute pleasure...
No, it is an absolute privilege
to watch me perform.
I don't have any parents.
That I know of.
I don't think that's how it goes.
Of course I have parents.
People say I sound very immature
whenever I talk about my mommy and daddy.
Those people are poo-poo heads.
With stinky bums.
Are my neighbours pleased I bought a didgeridoo?
-HE IMITATES DIDGERIDOO
The seven of diamonds.
Sorry, my mind's playing tricks with me.
I recently did a very tasteless joke at an alopecia convention.
Fortunately, it didn't raise any eyebrows.
Today, my yoga instructor was really drunk,
which put me in an awkward position.
It's important in life that we overcome our fears.
I once had a fear of climbing chestnut trees
but I conquered it.
There's some sick people in the world.
Someone recently broke into my 97-year-old grandmother's flat
and stole her limbo dancing trophy.
How low can you get? Seriously.
Some people wear too much mascara!
Sorry, I hate when I lash out.
Try not to rate women on a scale of one to ten
but today at my poetry class I metaphor.
I love games, although I hate Scrabble.
I hate Scrabble so much I can't put it into words, I just...
Hate's a strong word. Hated is stronger.
Worth more points.
I love Twister.
And although I recently met a beautiful woman playing Twister,
I don't know where I stand with her.
She was the best Twister player I've ever seen, hands down.
For me it's always hard talking to a pretty woman.
And then she'll notice it and it'll go soft again.
Is my French wife into golden showers?
Oui, oui, oui.
Toilet roll company Velvet
say they replace three trees for every one tree they use.
I don't know, it sounds like a lot of shit to me.
I'm obsessed with toilet humour, according to my therapist,
who is built like a brick shithouse.
He accused me of being an in-denial stalker.
I said, "I don't follow."
He said, "I think you like to stalk people,
"you just refuse to acknowledge it."
I said, "I'm not with you."
All of these jokes are in my autobiography.
I've not been able to sell one copy of my autobiography.
Story of my life.
And yet, on the best seller list, the book I wrote about poo puns
has just gone number two.
Poo puns, I do do them.
I do do other puns.
I will be doing puns about Canadian wildlife.
Bear with me.
I don't do puns about lions.
I pride myself on that.
If you're hoping I don't do puns about people with crooked teeth,
If you're waiting for me to do a pun about Peter Crouch wearing armour,
you're in for a long night.
I've been doing puns about Motown music ever since I was three,
I now live in a caravan. I don't like living in a caravan.
It's only when I moved my caravan beside a driving range
that it really hit home.
How many golf puns do I have?
No, just the one.
Fore - that's hilarious.
Well done, you. How did I miss that?
I feel I let you down.
I'll never do that to you again.
The first transgender person I ever met was my aunt,
who was like a father to me.
Even though it was 21 years ago that my father choked to death on sushi,
it's still pretty raw.
A lot of people think that my dad was a weirdo.
But he wasn't, he was a lovely man - and a great kisser.
My brother who's terrified of revolving doors
is always in and out of hospital.
My other brother who's impotent
is a graffiti artist that you may have heard of - Blanksy?
Don't worry, he's not here.
He couldn't come.
My other brother, we're very proud of him,
he's Canada's first openly straight choreographer.
He's got four kids, their ages are five, six, seven, eight.
You guys have been amazing.
There's old saying - time really flies when you're having fun and...
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I do have to leave.
They say if you love what you do then it's not a job
and I can, hand on heart, say this is the best job I've ever had.
I've had a lot of jobs.
I've had 12, 24, 36 - literally dozens of jobs.
I've had so many jobs it's difficult to remember them all.
I think I used to repair microwave ovens.
That rings a bell.
Working in a dark warehouse full of dildos always gave me the willies.
Arriving at the stencil factory, I knew I had my work cut out for me.
That was just the shape of things to come.
I was recently fired as a, uh, Boy Scout leader.
I wasn't prepared for that.
I had a fantastic career making wedding bouquets
but I threw it away.
I used to work in search and rescue
which I always had a flair for.
Why was I fired as a gynaecologist?
I'd rather not go into it.
Was I a fantastic telephone receptionist?
I used to be a professional table tennis player in Southeast Asia.
-HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
-That was my coach's name.
Lovely man. Great kisser.
I watch doomsday films like there's no tomorrow.
I now live here in the UK. I go back to Canada on holiday.
Highly recommend it, fantastic country.
I do notice when I go back there that they have the same shows
as we have over here, just with different names.
In Canada they have a show called Cheaters
where married people and people in relationships cheat with
other married people and people in relationships.
Over here it's called Strictly Come Dancing.
How many Len Goodman puns do I have?
No, just the one.
Seven - that's hilarious. Well done, you.
I feel I let you down.
I'll never do that again.
In Canada, they have a programme called Pointless.
Over here, it's called The One Show.
Goodnight, Apollo. Thank you so much.
Stewart Francis, ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight?
Give it up for our guests tonight - Mr Jason Byrne!
And Mr Stewart Francis!
I've been Romesh Ranganathan, thank you very much, goodnight!