Episode 5 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language.

# Oh, yeah! #

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight, Katherine Ryan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Hello, Hammersmith Apollo.

CHEERING

Oh, my goodness, Live At The Apollo. The first time I was here

I was just a little girl, and look at me now, I'm full-blown

Caitlyn Jenner!

It feels so good.

I've spent so long wanting to look like one of the Kardashians,

I don't even give a shit it's the dad. I'll take it.

She's a majestic hero.

I am TV's Katherine Ryan and I like to talk a lot about celebrities,

but you've got a lot of good ones.

There are some celebrities in Britain

that I will not say a bad word about.

Mo Farah - love him.

He is a British hero. An Olympian, a good man, a good father,

a Somalian who acquires gold on land,

nothing I don't like about that.

He is perfect.

You can't say a bad word about Taylor Swift.

Do we have any Taylor Swift fans in?

CHEERING

"Of course we are. Shake It Off! We love her! We love Taylor Swift."

She's friend to all women, except if you follow her on Instagram,

you will notice that that circle of friends

is limited to Victoria's Secret models only.

They come on stage with her, they're her girl squad.

"Why do you have them on stage with you, Taylor Swift?"

"To illustrate that I am just as hot as them but also have a talent, OK?"

She's friends with Lena Dunham too. You know why that is?

So that when people like me want to be friends with Taylor Swift -

and I love Taylor Swift,

of course I want to be friends with Taylor Swift -

she can be like, "No, we don't need you.

"We're already friends with one human woman."

Nobody is that perfect. I like flaws.

I knew that Taylor Swift would mess up and she did mess up.

A few weeks ago, Nicki Minaj - a very curvaceous black R&B singer -

tweeted, "I think I would have been nominated for more awards

"if the women in my videos were slim," and, essentially, white.

And Taylor Swift, friend to all women, replied,

"Nicki, I have always supported you.

"If I win, you can come on stage with me."

Really? Oh, I knew it, Taylor Swift. I got you.

Back your white privilege right this minute.

What's Nicki Minaj even supposed to say to that?

"Oh, t-t-thank you, Taylor Swift. That's ever so kind of you, ma'am.

"I don't know. I don't know if I got no business

"up here on stage in front of all these white folk.

"I'd better hurry up and finish the laundry before your daddy get home."

Not cool.

People worry about me.

LAUGHTER

They worry about me because I'm single.

Really, if you are a lady who is single after a certain age,

people will start to get upset.

I get letters all the time, from women exclusively.

I got one a little while ago

and the lady must have been 200 years old

because she wrote this letter on, like, stationery

with beautiful calligraphy - it's a dead art -

and she wrote, "Dear Katherine, we saw your show

"and we were very worried to hear that you're single."

Like, really? You saw the whole show and that was the problem?

She's like, "My brother Ray is also single."

Oh, there you go! Ladies, that's why we're single.

Not because we choose it but because we haven't met Ray.

She went on to offer me a date with Ray.

She said, "We'd be willing to accompany Ray on the Megabus

"to London." Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I know the only time somebody takes a bus to meet someone

they've seen on TV is to kill them.

I did not attend.

But men don't get these letters, that's what winds me up.

I work with a ton of men, they never... Look at Leonardo DiCaprio.

Famously single for years. He and I have the same number of Oscars.

Nobody's writing him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Dear Leonard,

"we recently saw you muff-diving all those supermodels...on your yacht

"and we were so worried.

"My brother Ray is also single.

"Nobody wants to fuck Ray."

I've got a problem with Jews.

LAUGHTER

Anyone else? Please, don't put your hands up.

I was dating a Jewish man this year. I fell in love with him

and he split up with me simply because I'm not Jewish,

and I genuinely did not know that religion still behaved this way.

I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white, middle-class woman in 2015.

I am entitled to everything.

It's not OK for his people to treat me

the way my people quite enjoy treating everyone else.

He said, "We can have no future, Katherine.

"What if we were to have a baby?

"I imagine that you would not consent to having him circumcised."

I was like, "First off,

"why are you imagining the dicks of babies we don't have?"

And secondly, you're right.

I've lived in England so long,

I didn't even notice that's one of the ways that I've changed,

because back in North America, all the men are routinely circumcised.

I checked that.

And here, it's just not done and I guess, all of a sudden,

I am against genital mutilation in all its forms.

But what gets me is, I've never been in a relationship

where the man said to me, "You know that baby we haven't got?

"Would you cut its cock?"

And the answer, "No, don't worry," was a deal-breaker.

I don't hate all Jews, guys. Of course not.

I hate one Jew, but that's how it starts.

I am a mother.

My daughter's she's such a cool kid.

She's called Violet, she's six years old.

I took her to a charity event a little while ago.

It was a youth homeless charity

and I went because Prince Harry would be there,

and I am normally not allowed within 100 yards of that fine man.

And it was full of posh people and I've learned that posh people

think that only other posh people care about them,

because they had a young man speak and he himself was once homeless.

I thought, "Great, we're going to see some real-world stuff." No.

18-year-old boy comes up to the microphone, three-piece suit,

he's like... IN POSH ACCENT: "Yah, so, like, a year ago,

"my parents were totally micromanaging my life.

"And so I left and I stayed on friends' couches and in summer homes.

"I was utterly homeless."

That's not homeless unless the couch smells of piss

and is outside a Tesco Metro.

"They withheld my trust fund.

"Do you have any idea how difficult it is

"to be on a juice cleanse when you're homeless?"

I hated him!

I looked around the room trying to find the eyes of anyone else

who hated this prick. Nothing. They're all like, "Yah, sounds bad."

There was silence in the room as he took a drink

and my six-year-old goes, "Pah, white people!"

I was like, "Yeah."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's what I'm saying.

And he wasn't even white.

That's such a beautiful thing, when a child can look beyond

someone's skin colour,

see the white inside of him and hate it.

I am 32 years old and I love it.

Give me a cheer if you're a woman over the age of 30.

CHEERING

Some of them won't cheer.

"I know, I should have killed myself five years ago."

Ageing is great. Ageing just means you didn't die.

We grow in value with every day, not the other way around.

Would you trade your life with a teenage girl's life?

Do you remember what it was like when we had no power and no money?

When we did our own eyebrows? No, thank you.

And who dates a teenager?!

You know that guy who got done for taking a 15-year-old to Paris?

Anyone who's been on holiday with a teenager knows that man

deserved a medal, not prison.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

"Do you know Titanic is based on a true story? Blah, blah!"

I recently went home with a 25-year-old. It was weird.

I've not been with a 25-year-old since I was 14. Inappropriate.

It's very inappropriate.

Do you know what he said to me? He said,

"I think it is very scary that you're 31."

He said that to my face. "I think it is very scary." I said, "Why?

"Do you know what the difference is between me now and me at your age?

"Now I have more money, so what are you afraid of?

"My disposable income, is that what it is?

"Ooh! I get too many manicures for you, my feet are too soft,

"my entire body is too electrolysised for you, young man?

"What is it? My house is too nice? My thread count's too high?

"Was my driver rude to you?

"Maybe you think I'm in a rush to have a baby?

"Well, say, hello, I've got one.

"She is not a fan of yours, you little fuck badger. She hates you."

The main message from the media is, "Do not fancy a child."

We've got that. That's a terrible thing to do.

"Do not fancy a child, but just try to be a woman who looks like a child

"so that people fancy you." What?

GEORDIE ACCENT: "Like a little baby. Like Cheryl Cole.

"Like a little baby woman.

"Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous."

So beautiful it makes you forget she's garbage,

that's how hot that chick is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So pretty. Don't feel bad, some of you feel bad.

Cheryl Cole would glass each of you in an alley tonight.

"No, not me. I'm just a little gorgeous baby."

"Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me, Cheryl Cole?"

You ever been in a room with that thing? It's this big.

If she was born in the winter, she would not have made it.

Done more damage to the north-east than Margaret Thatcher.

But she's gorgeous.

Beautiful. So pretty. She looks like my six-year-old in a wig.

"I am the nation's sweetheart.

"The nation's sweetheart," and I know I can't do a Geordie accent,

but I don't care, no. I don't care.

It's a bit more Ukip Calypso when I do it. I don't care.

"Because I'm the nation's sweetheart."

You're not, you are the answer to the question,

how beautiful do you have to be to make the nation forget

about how you drunkenly assaulted a nightclub worker?

I don't even believe she's human!

Nobody human is that pretty,

even God is throwing everything he can at this thing -

malaria. It won't die.

Nah, I can't do it. Of course I love Cheryl Cole.

Of course I want to be friends with Cheryl Cole,

just so anyone else tries to be friends with her, she can be like,

"No, no. I'm already friends with one human woman."

Hammersmith Apollo, please join me in welcoming my first guest.

I am in stitches every time I'm in his presence,

it's the hilarious Henning Wehn.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 99 Red Balloons by Nena

UK!

Yeah, let me quickly introduce myself. My name is Henning.

The German comedy ambassador.

Not the easiest of jobs.

But let me get one thing straight,

we Germans, we like a laugh.

LAUGHTER

No, honestly, we really do. We really do. Just like the Brits.

The only difference is - Germans laugh once the work is done.

Rather than instead of.

And that indeed is the main cultural difference.

What a fantastic turnout here this evening. Is there...

There's almost bound to be someone else from Germany in the audience.

-CHEERING

-Blimey.

Ja, so viele? Wen haben wir denn da?

Wo war denn das im Theater? Da oben oder da hinten?

Ich kann das von hier nicht so recht sehen.

Da oben? Ja, wen haben wir denn da,

junge Frau? Wer ruft denn da so schon?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT

-Chris. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Ja, und, Chris, wo in Deutschland kommst du her?

Potsdam!

Aus Potsdam! Ah, guck mal an!

Und hier schon langer in Grossbritannien, oder was?

MAN SHOUTS OUT

Seit wann?!

-Vier Jahre!

-Vier Jahre! Guck mal an!

Und... Wohnst du direkt in London oder irgendwo in der Umgebung?

MAN SHOUTS OUT

Richtig! Ganz richtig! Hat er recht! Hat er recht!

By the way, Chris and I, we're just doing exactly the same thing

that Brits do whenever they travel abroad.

We just carry on speaking our own language regardless.

Maybe you noticed we do it without shouting?

Chris, he just told me he came over four years ago and, Chris, what was

your English like when you first arrived?

-Very good, ja.

-Very good.

It's so unbelievable, cos he is from the former East Germany,

so you would expect him to be fluent in Russian, not in English.

Fantastic. No, I mean...

I can't say that my English was any good when I first came over.

Cos I came over with school English.

And what does that mean? Didn't know any idioms.

Didn't know any colloquialisms. Had next to no vocabulary.

The only thing I had was grammar.

Cos I learned that at school.

And I would say everything

exactly the way it was written in my grammar book.

"I was...

"You were... He/she was. We were. You were. They were."

But now having lived in London for the past 13 years,

these days I go, "I was. You was...

"He/she/it was. We was. You was. They was."

Cos that's what every other Herbert says, or "'Erbert."

And I always wonder... When I say "we was," how do people take that?

"Oh, look at that Henning, ever so well assimilated."

Or do they go the other way? "What? He has been living here all those

"years and he still can't get the most basic things right.

"It's embarrassing."

Recently, I got me answer. I did a gig up north.

Or "up Norff..."

In Bolton...

AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS

Wayhey! And I got heckled with the wonderful line -

"Fuck off back to London!"

Why do people move abroad?

It's always for one of two reasons, isn't it?

Either you want to broaden your horizon

or you're not needed back home.

And usually it's the latter, but no matter, no matter your motivation,

once you live abroad, you become a lot more patriotic.

A lot more nationalistic. In my case, that isn't very good.

Well, I was already firmly right-wing

when I was still living back home in the Ruhr valley.

It hasn't got any better since.

I mean, these days, I get national pride out of the strangest events.

Now, I remember reading in the paper a couple of years ago

that Germany had won the world championships in marbles.

On reading, I was like, "Yey-hey!"

Yet, until reading that,

I didn't even know anyone over the age of four...did play marbles.

I remember, I remember when we won Pope.

Did you remember when Germany won the Catholic Church?

I know, far more recently, we lost it to the Argies,

but, far more vividly, I remember how great it was when we won it.

It was like, "Ja! Super! Ratzinger, du bist der Beste!

"Super! Super."

I was over the moon.

It was like winning the football World Cup...again.

I know full well, if, at the time of the Pope election,

if I'd still been living back home in Germany, I would have reacted

completely differently.

I would have just said, "Oh, no, not that reactionary Bavarian twat."

But once you live abroad,

you embrace everything about your country,

everything remotely German.

Like the royal baby.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Number two. "Yay!"

And that was the moment when I had to admit to myself

that my moral compass has gone so haywire...

I'll never, ever be able to return to Germany ever again.

It's no problem, I'll just stay here in the UK.

Cos you're really good to us foreigners.

No, honestly, you really are, because you tolerate us.

You don't welcome us...

But you do tolerate us. And that's a great British virtue, isn't it,

tolerance? What's tolerance?

There is something you really, really dislike...

..but you can't be bothered...

..to do anything about it.

Back home, we call that lazy cynicism, anyway...

Dear, oh, dear. I've been in Britain 13 years and, Chris, I have to

very quickly come back to you up there...

After four years in Blighty...do you still

feel more German or have you started to feel British?

-Actually, more British, yes.

-It happens, yeah, it happens.

If you live abroad, you do assimilate to a degree.

Like, on stage, on stage,

there is never any doubt about my nationality.

On stage, I properly German it up.

But in everyday life,

in many ways, these days, I'm as British as they come.

Like, not too long ago, I had a groin hernia.

I'm not saying that's a British trait as such.

A starting point for this little anecdote.

A groin hernia is not painful, but it's incredibly annoying

and the worst bit about it is,

your body gives you very irregular pressure on your bladder.

You really don't know when you have to go to the toilet

and I was in one of those situations going home

after a gig on a night bus, and then the bus stopped at red lights

and I realised, dear, oh, dear, I have to have a slash right now.

So I went up to the driver and said, "Sir, sir,

"let me off, let me off, I have to have a piss."

The driver said, "No, sorry, mate.

"Can't. It's not a proper stop, it's just red lights."

"Sir, I'm really sorry about this, I'll have to piss here."

So I got my knob out...

All of a sudden, he could open the doors.

It wasn't against health and safety any longer,

so me jumping out, finding a tree,

pissing behind a tree was all one and because of the time

spent with the driver, it had all gone on a split-second too long.

All I'm saying, there was already a good amount of liquid

going down the inside of my trouser leg, so I had to wait

in the middle of the night, behind a tree,

I had to wait in the pitch-black.

I had to wait for my piss trousers to dry...

..Your Honour.

Luckily, it didn't come to that,

but it was embarrassing enough as it was.

And at that point, I had a fortnight to go until my hernia operation.

And I decided there and then to cancel all my upcoming gigs,

not to have a repeat of such an embarrassing incident.

But as it was, that night, first I had to get home.

So I looked down me trousers and, well, they had sufficiently dried.

I tell you what, I'll take the next night bus into London town,

I'll have a nice late-night kebab, nice cup of tea, then I'll take

a cab home and the world will not see me until after the operation.

That was my plan.

So I get on the next night bus, go into London town,

get off at Tottenham Court Road and walk up to the kebab shop,

and had all them health worries in my head.

So, will the NHS be able to treat me properly?

Will this knock years off my life expectancy?

Will I ever be able to become a father?

So I had all them existential worries, so I wasn't really

paying attention to what I was doing,

so when I walked into the kebab shop,

I didn't see the step leading into the kebab shop, so I tripped

over that step, immediately lost my balance and fell in, head first.

So, there I was, three o'clock in the morning, on all fours,

on the floor of a kebab shop, in piss trousers...

thinking, "Blimey! How British am I?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. You have been an absolute delight!

Thanks so much. See you very soon. Bye-bye.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Henning Wehn. Well done.

My next guest is absolutely incredible.

He's the kind of comedian that comedians gather to watch.

I would go as far as to say he is the future of British comedy.

Please, welcome - oh, you're in for a treat -

it's the exquisite James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

Tonight, I want to tell you about a friend of mine.

He works in a casino.

And one day, he...

Is dice plural and die singular? Or is die plural?

Anyway, he killed two people by mistake.

Say he's my friend. He's not really my friend.

I'm on the jury. I shouldn't say friend, should I?

They make that very clear. "He's not your friend, mate."

I see him every day, he seems like a nice guy.

There was someone else called James on the jury.

Got confusing.

How we got round it, right, everyone would call HIM James One

and me Wolf. I got to choose my own name. It's pretty cool.

Me and James One hit the town, cutting it up.

I was making an effort for once,

dressed to impress, I had my best tie on.

Paisley, paisley makes the girls go crazily.

Walking round. Chatting to a lady at one point.

She was lovely. Lovely, lovely lady.

She's a masseuse, big respect.

I've tried to give a massage to partners in the past.

Not easy, is it?

Not sexy massage, drag your minds out the gutter, just normal massage.

You know, just normal massage you do in a relationship.

You know, normal, just normal. Normal stuff.

Normally what? You're normally in bed, ain't you, normally,

for a massage with your partner? Normally in bed.

End of the day, fair to say. End of the day, bed.

Don't do a massage in the morning, that's far too decadent.

Save it to the end. Lights out, aren't they? Lying down.

Completely dark, ain't it? Just lying there

and only one of you knows that a massage is about to take place.

If you're not in on it, you're sitting there,

you've got your eyes closed and you're thinking to yourself,

"I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm going to go to sleep.

You're lying there, feeling safe.

Just me and the person I trust most in the world.

The last thing I'm expecting at this point is an ambush.

And then, the partner will turn to you...in the dark,

like a coward,

spineless, and they'll say,

"I've got a genuine muscular complaint...

"that I really should get seen to by a trained professional.

"However...how would you like to improvise a massage on me

"with your zero expertise?"

"Would I ever? Let's get this light back on."

Then the masseuse...

..will assume the position.

Which, if you've ever received a massage from a partner before,

you'll know the position in question is sitting on them.

Again, I don't know if you've ever paid for a professional massage...

This move rarely crops up.

Park themselves on your lower back - it's too familiar.

Get your partner to do it, you get what you pay for, you cheapskate.

They're sitting on you, just sitting on you! Just sitting on you.

You know, like a bully does.

Just sitting on you like a bully.

And then, they start guessing.

Just...

..having a flying guess all over your back,

doing moves they've half-remembered from films they've seen.

If you can't see what I'm doing at the back there,

I'm just using the heels of my hands.

You want to put them either side of the spine and then, you want

to put your full weight on that in the hope that that's OK.

Wing that, chance it - it's not your back.

And just move them out in a pattern that, from where you are,

looks nice.

It's pleasing to your eye if not to their actual back.

Nice and symmetrical all the way up.

A bit of shoulder work, obviously. You're not stingy, are you?

Some shoulder work while you're there.

What you're doing there, just gathering all the skin and muscle...

A nice chunky pinch and just let it go and do it again.

That's all that is. Letting it go, just move it somewhere else,

put it back where it was. That's that move.

Like an arcade claw that never wins anything, never gets any toys.

No toys. No toys.

Hardest part of jury duty.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what it is. The debates.

We had to go off, just the jury, in a little room

and debate the case every day.

Everyone else had opinions, except for me. I felt stupid.

In the end, I just played devil's advocate.

That's what you do if you don't have an opinion. It's clever.

Because devil's advocate, you don't need an opinion.

You just say the opposite to what everyone else is saying.

It's not on you because it's not you. It's the devil.

Who, let's not forget, is a certified rotter.

I was playing devil's advocate from the get-go.

Day one, first debate we ever had, everyone else on the jury,

they were saying how the murder was really bad.

Prime opportunity...

..for a little DA.

I piped up, "Hey, guys.

"To be fair, we're all going to die one day anyway.

"These people just died a little earlier

"than they would have in the first place. Cut this guy some slack, let him walk."

Went back to the hotel, I rang my mum up. Said, "Hey, Mum.

"I played devil's advocate in court today, you'd have been proud of me.

"I looked real clever."

She said, "Did you lead up to it by saying,

"'Just playing devil's advocate'?" I went, "Should I have?"

She went, "Undoubtedly.

"Otherwise, it just sounds like your own horrific opinion."

Day two involved a lot of backpedalling.

Had a similar problem with "no pun intended".

A couple of days later, we're having a debate, I piped up. "Hey, guys.

"No pun intended,

"but do you think it's possible that the gardener planted evidence?"

So what? So what?

Back to my hotel, I rang my mum up. I was like, "Hey, Mum.

"I said, 'No pun intended,' in court today. You'd have been proud of me.

"I looked real clever."

She said, "Did you say, 'No pun intended,'

"at the end of the sentence?" I went, "I said it at the top."

She went, "Right. That does sound like you knew fully well

"you were heading into a pun and did very little to change course.

"Therefore, the pun was fully intended, James."

What I learnt from those two experiences is,

if you make a pun in polite conversation, people will

hate you more than that time you openly defended murder.

You have been a joy to speak to. Thanks for listening to me. Bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

James Acaster.

Have you enjoyed yourselves this evening?

CHEERING

Me too.

Thank you so much for listening.

Let's hear it again for my tremendous guests - Mr Henning Wehn

and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Katherine Ryan. I'll see you soon.