Episode 5 Live at the Apollo


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Episode 5

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Canadian comedy star Katherine Ryan is the host, introducing German comic Henning Wehn and the brilliantly funny James Acaster.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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# Oh, yeah! #

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight, Katherine Ryan!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: Bitch by Meredith Brooks

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Hello, Hammersmith Apollo.

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CHEERING

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Oh, my goodness, Live At The Apollo. The first time I was here

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I was just a little girl, and look at me now, I'm full-blown

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Caitlyn Jenner!

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It feels so good.

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I've spent so long wanting to look like one of the Kardashians,

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I don't even give a shit it's the dad. I'll take it.

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She's a majestic hero.

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I am TV's Katherine Ryan and I like to talk a lot about celebrities,

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but you've got a lot of good ones.

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There are some celebrities in Britain

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that I will not say a bad word about.

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Mo Farah - love him.

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He is a British hero. An Olympian, a good man, a good father,

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a Somalian who acquires gold on land,

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nothing I don't like about that.

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He is perfect.

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You can't say a bad word about Taylor Swift.

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Do we have any Taylor Swift fans in?

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CHEERING

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"Of course we are. Shake It Off! We love her! We love Taylor Swift."

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She's friend to all women, except if you follow her on Instagram,

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you will notice that that circle of friends

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is limited to Victoria's Secret models only.

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They come on stage with her, they're her girl squad.

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"Why do you have them on stage with you, Taylor Swift?"

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"To illustrate that I am just as hot as them but also have a talent, OK?"

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She's friends with Lena Dunham too. You know why that is?

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So that when people like me want to be friends with Taylor Swift -

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and I love Taylor Swift,

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of course I want to be friends with Taylor Swift -

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she can be like, "No, we don't need you.

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"We're already friends with one human woman."

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Nobody is that perfect. I like flaws.

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I knew that Taylor Swift would mess up and she did mess up.

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A few weeks ago, Nicki Minaj - a very curvaceous black R&B singer -

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tweeted, "I think I would have been nominated for more awards

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"if the women in my videos were slim," and, essentially, white.

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And Taylor Swift, friend to all women, replied,

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"Nicki, I have always supported you.

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"If I win, you can come on stage with me."

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Really? Oh, I knew it, Taylor Swift. I got you.

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Back your white privilege right this minute.

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What's Nicki Minaj even supposed to say to that?

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"Oh, t-t-thank you, Taylor Swift. That's ever so kind of you, ma'am.

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"I don't know. I don't know if I got no business

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"up here on stage in front of all these white folk.

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"I'd better hurry up and finish the laundry before your daddy get home."

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Not cool.

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People worry about me.

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LAUGHTER

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They worry about me because I'm single.

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Really, if you are a lady who is single after a certain age,

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people will start to get upset.

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I get letters all the time, from women exclusively.

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I got one a little while ago

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and the lady must have been 200 years old

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because she wrote this letter on, like, stationery

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with beautiful calligraphy - it's a dead art -

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and she wrote, "Dear Katherine, we saw your show

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"and we were very worried to hear that you're single."

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Like, really? You saw the whole show and that was the problem?

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She's like, "My brother Ray is also single."

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Oh, there you go! Ladies, that's why we're single.

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Not because we choose it but because we haven't met Ray.

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She went on to offer me a date with Ray.

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She said, "We'd be willing to accompany Ray on the Megabus

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"to London." Whoa, whoa, whoa!

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I know the only time somebody takes a bus to meet someone

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they've seen on TV is to kill them.

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I did not attend.

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But men don't get these letters, that's what winds me up.

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I work with a ton of men, they never... Look at Leonardo DiCaprio.

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Famously single for years. He and I have the same number of Oscars.

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Nobody's writing him.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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"Dear Leonard,

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"we recently saw you muff-diving all those supermodels...on your yacht

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"and we were so worried.

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"My brother Ray is also single.

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"Nobody wants to fuck Ray."

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I've got a problem with Jews.

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LAUGHTER

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Anyone else? Please, don't put your hands up.

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I was dating a Jewish man this year. I fell in love with him

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and he split up with me simply because I'm not Jewish,

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and I genuinely did not know that religion still behaved this way.

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I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white, middle-class woman in 2015.

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I am entitled to everything.

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It's not OK for his people to treat me

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the way my people quite enjoy treating everyone else.

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He said, "We can have no future, Katherine.

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"What if we were to have a baby?

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"I imagine that you would not consent to having him circumcised."

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I was like, "First off,

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"why are you imagining the dicks of babies we don't have?"

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And secondly, you're right.

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I've lived in England so long,

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I didn't even notice that's one of the ways that I've changed,

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because back in North America, all the men are routinely circumcised.

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I checked that.

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And here, it's just not done and I guess, all of a sudden,

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I am against genital mutilation in all its forms.

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But what gets me is, I've never been in a relationship

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where the man said to me, "You know that baby we haven't got?

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"Would you cut its cock?"

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And the answer, "No, don't worry," was a deal-breaker.

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I don't hate all Jews, guys. Of course not.

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I hate one Jew, but that's how it starts.

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I am a mother.

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My daughter's she's such a cool kid.

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She's called Violet, she's six years old.

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I took her to a charity event a little while ago.

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It was a youth homeless charity

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and I went because Prince Harry would be there,

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and I am normally not allowed within 100 yards of that fine man.

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And it was full of posh people and I've learned that posh people

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think that only other posh people care about them,

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because they had a young man speak and he himself was once homeless.

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I thought, "Great, we're going to see some real-world stuff." No.

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18-year-old boy comes up to the microphone, three-piece suit,

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he's like... IN POSH ACCENT: "Yah, so, like, a year ago,

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"my parents were totally micromanaging my life.

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"And so I left and I stayed on friends' couches and in summer homes.

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"I was utterly homeless."

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That's not homeless unless the couch smells of piss

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and is outside a Tesco Metro.

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"They withheld my trust fund.

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"Do you have any idea how difficult it is

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"to be on a juice cleanse when you're homeless?"

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I hated him!

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I looked around the room trying to find the eyes of anyone else

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who hated this prick. Nothing. They're all like, "Yah, sounds bad."

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There was silence in the room as he took a drink

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and my six-year-old goes, "Pah, white people!"

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I was like, "Yeah."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's what I'm saying.

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And he wasn't even white.

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That's such a beautiful thing, when a child can look beyond

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someone's skin colour,

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see the white inside of him and hate it.

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I am 32 years old and I love it.

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Give me a cheer if you're a woman over the age of 30.

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CHEERING

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Some of them won't cheer.

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"I know, I should have killed myself five years ago."

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Ageing is great. Ageing just means you didn't die.

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We grow in value with every day, not the other way around.

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Would you trade your life with a teenage girl's life?

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Do you remember what it was like when we had no power and no money?

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When we did our own eyebrows? No, thank you.

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And who dates a teenager?!

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You know that guy who got done for taking a 15-year-old to Paris?

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Anyone who's been on holiday with a teenager knows that man

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deserved a medal, not prison.

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"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

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"Do you know Titanic is based on a true story? Blah, blah!"

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I recently went home with a 25-year-old. It was weird.

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I've not been with a 25-year-old since I was 14. Inappropriate.

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It's very inappropriate.

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Do you know what he said to me? He said,

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"I think it is very scary that you're 31."

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He said that to my face. "I think it is very scary." I said, "Why?

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"Do you know what the difference is between me now and me at your age?

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"Now I have more money, so what are you afraid of?

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"My disposable income, is that what it is?

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"Ooh! I get too many manicures for you, my feet are too soft,

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"my entire body is too electrolysised for you, young man?

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"What is it? My house is too nice? My thread count's too high?

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"Was my driver rude to you?

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"Maybe you think I'm in a rush to have a baby?

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"Well, say, hello, I've got one.

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"She is not a fan of yours, you little fuck badger. She hates you."

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The main message from the media is, "Do not fancy a child."

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We've got that. That's a terrible thing to do.

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"Do not fancy a child, but just try to be a woman who looks like a child

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"so that people fancy you." What?

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GEORDIE ACCENT: "Like a little baby. Like Cheryl Cole.

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"Like a little baby woman.

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"Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous."

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So beautiful it makes you forget she's garbage,

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that's how hot that chick is.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So pretty. Don't feel bad, some of you feel bad.

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Cheryl Cole would glass each of you in an alley tonight.

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"No, not me. I'm just a little gorgeous baby."

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"Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me, Cheryl Cole?"

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You ever been in a room with that thing? It's this big.

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If she was born in the winter, she would not have made it.

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Done more damage to the north-east than Margaret Thatcher.

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But she's gorgeous.

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Beautiful. So pretty. She looks like my six-year-old in a wig.

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"I am the nation's sweetheart.

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"The nation's sweetheart," and I know I can't do a Geordie accent,

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but I don't care, no. I don't care.

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It's a bit more Ukip Calypso when I do it. I don't care.

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"Because I'm the nation's sweetheart."

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You're not, you are the answer to the question,

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how beautiful do you have to be to make the nation forget

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about how you drunkenly assaulted a nightclub worker?

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I don't even believe she's human!

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Nobody human is that pretty,

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even God is throwing everything he can at this thing -

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malaria. It won't die.

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Nah, I can't do it. Of course I love Cheryl Cole.

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Of course I want to be friends with Cheryl Cole,

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just so anyone else tries to be friends with her, she can be like,

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"No, no. I'm already friends with one human woman."

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Hammersmith Apollo, please join me in welcoming my first guest.

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I am in stitches every time I'm in his presence,

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it's the hilarious Henning Wehn.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: 99 Red Balloons by Nena

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UK!

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Yeah, let me quickly introduce myself. My name is Henning.

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The German comedy ambassador.

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Not the easiest of jobs.

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But let me get one thing straight,

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we Germans, we like a laugh.

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LAUGHTER

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No, honestly, we really do. We really do. Just like the Brits.

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The only difference is - Germans laugh once the work is done.

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Rather than instead of.

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And that indeed is the main cultural difference.

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What a fantastic turnout here this evening. Is there...

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There's almost bound to be someone else from Germany in the audience.

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-CHEERING

-Blimey.

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Ja, so viele? Wen haben wir denn da?

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Wo war denn das im Theater? Da oben oder da hinten?

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Ich kann das von hier nicht so recht sehen.

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Da oben? Ja, wen haben wir denn da,

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junge Frau? Wer ruft denn da so schon?

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT

-Chris. Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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Ja, und, Chris, wo in Deutschland kommst du her?

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Potsdam!

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Aus Potsdam! Ah, guck mal an!

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Und hier schon langer in Grossbritannien, oder was?

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MAN SHOUTS OUT

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Seit wann?!

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-Vier Jahre!

-Vier Jahre! Guck mal an!

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Und... Wohnst du direkt in London oder irgendwo in der Umgebung?

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MAN SHOUTS OUT

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Richtig! Ganz richtig! Hat er recht! Hat er recht!

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By the way, Chris and I, we're just doing exactly the same thing

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that Brits do whenever they travel abroad.

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We just carry on speaking our own language regardless.

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Maybe you noticed we do it without shouting?

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Chris, he just told me he came over four years ago and, Chris, what was

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your English like when you first arrived?

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-Very good, ja.

-Very good.

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It's so unbelievable, cos he is from the former East Germany,

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so you would expect him to be fluent in Russian, not in English.

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Fantastic. No, I mean...

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I can't say that my English was any good when I first came over.

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Cos I came over with school English.

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And what does that mean? Didn't know any idioms.

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Didn't know any colloquialisms. Had next to no vocabulary.

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The only thing I had was grammar.

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Cos I learned that at school.

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And I would say everything

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exactly the way it was written in my grammar book.

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"I was...

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"You were... He/she was. We were. You were. They were."

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But now having lived in London for the past 13 years,

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these days I go, "I was. You was...

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"He/she/it was. We was. You was. They was."

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Cos that's what every other Herbert says, or "'Erbert."

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And I always wonder... When I say "we was," how do people take that?

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"Oh, look at that Henning, ever so well assimilated."

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Or do they go the other way? "What? He has been living here all those

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"years and he still can't get the most basic things right.

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"It's embarrassing."

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Recently, I got me answer. I did a gig up north.

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Or "up Norff..."

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In Bolton...

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AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS

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Wayhey! And I got heckled with the wonderful line -

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"Fuck off back to London!"

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Why do people move abroad?

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It's always for one of two reasons, isn't it?

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Either you want to broaden your horizon

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or you're not needed back home.

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And usually it's the latter, but no matter, no matter your motivation,

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once you live abroad, you become a lot more patriotic.

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A lot more nationalistic. In my case, that isn't very good.

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Well, I was already firmly right-wing

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when I was still living back home in the Ruhr valley.

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It hasn't got any better since.

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I mean, these days, I get national pride out of the strangest events.

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Now, I remember reading in the paper a couple of years ago

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that Germany had won the world championships in marbles.

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On reading, I was like, "Yey-hey!"

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Yet, until reading that,

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I didn't even know anyone over the age of four...did play marbles.

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I remember, I remember when we won Pope.

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Did you remember when Germany won the Catholic Church?

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I know, far more recently, we lost it to the Argies,

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but, far more vividly, I remember how great it was when we won it.

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It was like, "Ja! Super! Ratzinger, du bist der Beste!

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"Super! Super."

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I was over the moon.

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It was like winning the football World Cup...again.

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I know full well, if, at the time of the Pope election,

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if I'd still been living back home in Germany, I would have reacted

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completely differently.

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I would have just said, "Oh, no, not that reactionary Bavarian twat."

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But once you live abroad,

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you embrace everything about your country,

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everything remotely German.

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Like the royal baby.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Number two. "Yay!"

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And that was the moment when I had to admit to myself

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that my moral compass has gone so haywire...

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I'll never, ever be able to return to Germany ever again.

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It's no problem, I'll just stay here in the UK.

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Cos you're really good to us foreigners.

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No, honestly, you really are, because you tolerate us.

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You don't welcome us...

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But you do tolerate us. And that's a great British virtue, isn't it,

0:19:230:19:26

tolerance? What's tolerance?

0:19:260:19:28

There is something you really, really dislike...

0:19:280:19:32

..but you can't be bothered...

0:19:330:19:34

..to do anything about it.

0:19:360:19:38

Back home, we call that lazy cynicism, anyway...

0:19:400:19:43

Dear, oh, dear. I've been in Britain 13 years and, Chris, I have to

0:19:450:19:49

very quickly come back to you up there...

0:19:490:19:51

After four years in Blighty...do you still

0:19:510:19:53

feel more German or have you started to feel British?

0:19:530:19:58

-Actually, more British, yes.

-It happens, yeah, it happens.

0:19:580:20:03

If you live abroad, you do assimilate to a degree.

0:20:030:20:07

Like, on stage, on stage,

0:20:070:20:08

there is never any doubt about my nationality.

0:20:080:20:11

On stage, I properly German it up.

0:20:110:20:14

But in everyday life,

0:20:160:20:18

in many ways, these days, I'm as British as they come.

0:20:180:20:22

Like, not too long ago, I had a groin hernia.

0:20:220:20:24

I'm not saying that's a British trait as such.

0:20:270:20:30

A starting point for this little anecdote.

0:20:310:20:34

A groin hernia is not painful, but it's incredibly annoying

0:20:340:20:38

and the worst bit about it is,

0:20:380:20:40

your body gives you very irregular pressure on your bladder.

0:20:400:20:45

You really don't know when you have to go to the toilet

0:20:450:20:47

and I was in one of those situations going home

0:20:470:20:50

after a gig on a night bus, and then the bus stopped at red lights

0:20:500:20:55

and I realised, dear, oh, dear, I have to have a slash right now.

0:20:550:21:00

So I went up to the driver and said, "Sir, sir,

0:21:000:21:03

"let me off, let me off, I have to have a piss."

0:21:030:21:05

The driver said, "No, sorry, mate.

0:21:050:21:07

"Can't. It's not a proper stop, it's just red lights."

0:21:070:21:09

"Sir, I'm really sorry about this, I'll have to piss here."

0:21:090:21:14

So I got my knob out...

0:21:140:21:16

All of a sudden, he could open the doors.

0:21:180:21:20

It wasn't against health and safety any longer,

0:21:230:21:26

so me jumping out, finding a tree,

0:21:260:21:30

pissing behind a tree was all one and because of the time

0:21:300:21:34

spent with the driver, it had all gone on a split-second too long.

0:21:340:21:38

All I'm saying, there was already a good amount of liquid

0:21:380:21:42

going down the inside of my trouser leg, so I had to wait

0:21:420:21:45

in the middle of the night, behind a tree,

0:21:450:21:48

I had to wait in the pitch-black.

0:21:480:21:50

I had to wait for my piss trousers to dry...

0:21:500:21:53

..Your Honour.

0:21:540:21:56

Luckily, it didn't come to that,

0:22:020:22:04

but it was embarrassing enough as it was.

0:22:040:22:06

And at that point, I had a fortnight to go until my hernia operation.

0:22:060:22:10

And I decided there and then to cancel all my upcoming gigs,

0:22:100:22:13

not to have a repeat of such an embarrassing incident.

0:22:130:22:16

But as it was, that night, first I had to get home.

0:22:160:22:20

So I looked down me trousers and, well, they had sufficiently dried.

0:22:200:22:24

I tell you what, I'll take the next night bus into London town,

0:22:240:22:27

I'll have a nice late-night kebab, nice cup of tea, then I'll take

0:22:270:22:31

a cab home and the world will not see me until after the operation.

0:22:310:22:35

That was my plan.

0:22:350:22:37

So I get on the next night bus, go into London town,

0:22:370:22:40

get off at Tottenham Court Road and walk up to the kebab shop,

0:22:400:22:44

and had all them health worries in my head.

0:22:440:22:46

So, will the NHS be able to treat me properly?

0:22:460:22:49

Will this knock years off my life expectancy?

0:22:490:22:52

Will I ever be able to become a father?

0:22:520:22:54

So I had all them existential worries, so I wasn't really

0:22:540:22:57

paying attention to what I was doing,

0:22:570:22:59

so when I walked into the kebab shop,

0:22:590:23:01

I didn't see the step leading into the kebab shop, so I tripped

0:23:010:23:05

over that step, immediately lost my balance and fell in, head first.

0:23:050:23:10

So, there I was, three o'clock in the morning, on all fours,

0:23:100:23:15

on the floor of a kebab shop, in piss trousers...

0:23:150:23:20

thinking, "Blimey! How British am I?"

0:23:200:23:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:230:23:25

Thank you very much. You have been an absolute delight!

0:23:300:23:33

Thanks so much. See you very soon. Bye-bye.

0:23:330:23:35

Thank you.

0:23:350:23:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:370:23:40

Henning Wehn. Well done.

0:23:400:23:42

My next guest is absolutely incredible.

0:23:460:23:51

He's the kind of comedian that comedians gather to watch.

0:23:510:23:55

I would go as far as to say he is the future of British comedy.

0:23:550:23:58

Please, welcome - oh, you're in for a treat -

0:23:580:24:00

it's the exquisite James Acaster.

0:24:000:24:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:030:24:06

MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:060:24:08

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

0:24:200:24:23

Tonight, I want to tell you about a friend of mine.

0:24:230:24:27

He works in a casino.

0:24:270:24:29

And one day, he...

0:24:290:24:32

Is dice plural and die singular? Or is die plural?

0:24:330:24:39

Anyway, he killed two people by mistake.

0:24:390:24:41

Say he's my friend. He's not really my friend.

0:24:460:24:48

I'm on the jury. I shouldn't say friend, should I?

0:24:480:24:52

They make that very clear. "He's not your friend, mate."

0:24:520:24:55

I see him every day, he seems like a nice guy.

0:24:550:24:59

There was someone else called James on the jury.

0:24:590:25:01

Got confusing.

0:25:010:25:02

How we got round it, right, everyone would call HIM James One

0:25:020:25:05

and me Wolf. I got to choose my own name. It's pretty cool.

0:25:050:25:08

Me and James One hit the town, cutting it up.

0:25:120:25:14

I was making an effort for once,

0:25:140:25:15

dressed to impress, I had my best tie on.

0:25:150:25:17

Paisley, paisley makes the girls go crazily.

0:25:170:25:20

Walking round. Chatting to a lady at one point.

0:25:220:25:24

She was lovely. Lovely, lovely lady.

0:25:240:25:27

She's a masseuse, big respect.

0:25:270:25:29

I've tried to give a massage to partners in the past.

0:25:290:25:32

Not easy, is it?

0:25:320:25:33

Not sexy massage, drag your minds out the gutter, just normal massage.

0:25:330:25:37

You know, just normal massage you do in a relationship.

0:25:370:25:40

You know, normal, just normal. Normal stuff.

0:25:400:25:45

Normally what? You're normally in bed, ain't you, normally,

0:25:450:25:48

for a massage with your partner? Normally in bed.

0:25:480:25:51

End of the day, fair to say. End of the day, bed.

0:25:510:25:55

Don't do a massage in the morning, that's far too decadent.

0:25:550:25:59

Save it to the end. Lights out, aren't they? Lying down.

0:25:590:26:04

Completely dark, ain't it? Just lying there

0:26:040:26:07

and only one of you knows that a massage is about to take place.

0:26:070:26:11

If you're not in on it, you're sitting there,

0:26:160:26:18

you've got your eyes closed and you're thinking to yourself,

0:26:180:26:21

"I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm going to go to sleep.

0:26:210:26:24

You're lying there, feeling safe.

0:26:240:26:27

Just me and the person I trust most in the world.

0:26:270:26:30

The last thing I'm expecting at this point is an ambush.

0:26:310:26:35

And then, the partner will turn to you...in the dark,

0:26:380:26:45

like a coward,

0:26:450:26:48

spineless, and they'll say,

0:26:480:26:53

"I've got a genuine muscular complaint...

0:26:530:26:57

"that I really should get seen to by a trained professional.

0:26:570:26:59

"However...how would you like to improvise a massage on me

0:26:590:27:04

"with your zero expertise?"

0:27:040:27:08

"Would I ever? Let's get this light back on."

0:27:080:27:11

Then the masseuse...

0:27:130:27:15

..will assume the position.

0:27:180:27:19

Which, if you've ever received a massage from a partner before,

0:27:230:27:26

you'll know the position in question is sitting on them.

0:27:260:27:29

Again, I don't know if you've ever paid for a professional massage...

0:27:320:27:36

This move rarely crops up.

0:27:360:27:39

Park themselves on your lower back - it's too familiar.

0:27:400:27:43

Get your partner to do it, you get what you pay for, you cheapskate.

0:27:430:27:48

They're sitting on you, just sitting on you! Just sitting on you.

0:27:480:27:53

You know, like a bully does.

0:27:530:27:56

Just sitting on you like a bully.

0:27:560:27:59

And then, they start guessing.

0:27:590:28:01

Just...

0:28:010:28:02

..having a flying guess all over your back,

0:28:040:28:07

doing moves they've half-remembered from films they've seen.

0:28:070:28:11

If you can't see what I'm doing at the back there,

0:28:170:28:19

I'm just using the heels of my hands.

0:28:190:28:21

You want to put them either side of the spine and then, you want

0:28:210:28:25

to put your full weight on that in the hope that that's OK.

0:28:250:28:27

Wing that, chance it - it's not your back.

0:28:300:28:33

And just move them out in a pattern that, from where you are,

0:28:360:28:40

looks nice.

0:28:400:28:43

It's pleasing to your eye if not to their actual back.

0:28:430:28:46

Nice and symmetrical all the way up.

0:28:460:28:48

A bit of shoulder work, obviously. You're not stingy, are you?

0:28:580:29:01

Some shoulder work while you're there.

0:29:010:29:04

What you're doing there, just gathering all the skin and muscle...

0:29:040:29:09

A nice chunky pinch and just let it go and do it again.

0:29:090:29:13

That's all that is. Letting it go, just move it somewhere else,

0:29:130:29:16

put it back where it was. That's that move.

0:29:160:29:18

Like an arcade claw that never wins anything, never gets any toys.

0:29:180:29:21

No toys. No toys.

0:29:210:29:23

Hardest part of jury duty.

0:29:300:29:32

LAUGHTER

0:29:320:29:35

I'll tell you what it is. The debates.

0:29:350:29:37

We had to go off, just the jury, in a little room

0:29:370:29:39

and debate the case every day.

0:29:390:29:42

Everyone else had opinions, except for me. I felt stupid.

0:29:420:29:45

In the end, I just played devil's advocate.

0:29:450:29:48

That's what you do if you don't have an opinion. It's clever.

0:29:480:29:51

Because devil's advocate, you don't need an opinion.

0:29:510:29:54

You just say the opposite to what everyone else is saying.

0:29:540:29:56

It's not on you because it's not you. It's the devil.

0:29:560:29:59

Who, let's not forget, is a certified rotter.

0:30:000:30:03

I was playing devil's advocate from the get-go.

0:30:050:30:08

Day one, first debate we ever had, everyone else on the jury,

0:30:080:30:12

they were saying how the murder was really bad.

0:30:120:30:17

Prime opportunity...

0:30:170:30:19

..for a little DA.

0:30:200:30:23

I piped up, "Hey, guys.

0:30:230:30:26

"To be fair, we're all going to die one day anyway.

0:30:260:30:28

"These people just died a little earlier

0:30:280:30:30

"than they would have in the first place. Cut this guy some slack, let him walk."

0:30:300:30:35

Went back to the hotel, I rang my mum up. Said, "Hey, Mum.

0:30:350:30:38

"I played devil's advocate in court today, you'd have been proud of me.

0:30:380:30:41

"I looked real clever."

0:30:410:30:43

She said, "Did you lead up to it by saying,

0:30:430:30:46

"'Just playing devil's advocate'?" I went, "Should I have?"

0:30:460:30:50

She went, "Undoubtedly.

0:30:500:30:52

"Otherwise, it just sounds like your own horrific opinion."

0:30:520:30:56

Day two involved a lot of backpedalling.

0:30:570:31:00

Had a similar problem with "no pun intended".

0:31:010:31:05

A couple of days later, we're having a debate, I piped up. "Hey, guys.

0:31:050:31:10

"No pun intended,

0:31:100:31:12

"but do you think it's possible that the gardener planted evidence?"

0:31:120:31:16

So what? So what?

0:31:160:31:18

Back to my hotel, I rang my mum up. I was like, "Hey, Mum.

0:31:200:31:23

"I said, 'No pun intended,' in court today. You'd have been proud of me.

0:31:230:31:27

"I looked real clever."

0:31:270:31:29

She said, "Did you say, 'No pun intended,'

0:31:290:31:32

"at the end of the sentence?" I went, "I said it at the top."

0:31:320:31:36

She went, "Right. That does sound like you knew fully well

0:31:360:31:39

"you were heading into a pun and did very little to change course.

0:31:390:31:44

"Therefore, the pun was fully intended, James."

0:31:450:31:48

What I learnt from those two experiences is,

0:31:510:31:54

if you make a pun in polite conversation, people will

0:31:540:31:57

hate you more than that time you openly defended murder.

0:31:570:32:02

You have been a joy to speak to. Thanks for listening to me. Bye!

0:32:050:32:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:090:32:11

James Acaster.

0:32:150:32:17

Have you enjoyed yourselves this evening?

0:32:190:32:21

CHEERING

0:32:210:32:24

Me too.

0:32:240:32:25

Thank you so much for listening.

0:32:250:32:27

Let's hear it again for my tremendous guests - Mr Henning Wehn

0:32:270:32:32

and James Acaster.

0:32:320:32:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:350:32:37

I've been Katherine Ryan. I'll see you soon.

0:32:370:32:40

In the fifth episode from the legendary Hammersmith Apollo, the fabulously funny Canadian comedy star Katherine Ryan is the host, introducing German comic and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown regular Henning Wehn and the brilliantly funny James Acaster.