Episode 5 Live at the Apollo


Episode 5

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Glaswegian comedy giant Frankie Boyle introduces young stand-up sensation Jack Carroll and wonderful Holly Walsh to the stage.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight,

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Frankie Boyle!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello.

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AUDIENCE RESPOND

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I've been quite busy letting myself go.

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I decided to stop caring about my appearance when I realised that

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the reason women weren't having sex with me

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was because of my personality.

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I'm quite out of shape at the moment.

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At the moment, when I'm lying down and I get an erection

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it sort of looks like a motorcyclist emerging over the brow of a hill.

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I don't think women mind. Women don't mind heavier guys.

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I think women look at me and think "He would go down on me

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"like a parched spaniel."

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I have a theory... Ha, ha!

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I have a theory that masturbation is a kind of summoning spell for your

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own rational mind.

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Because we're all so driven by hormones and by desire,

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sometimes you've got to have a wank to speak to your real self.

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You have a wank and go, "I should have shagged my ex one last time,

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"I'll text her. I'll text her, I'll meet her, I'll shag her."

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And then you come and a little voice comes on in your head that goes

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"Yeah, don't do that, mate."

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You've got to be careful with jokes, haven't you?

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Cos not everyone's got a sense of humour.

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I can remember when I first realised

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not everyone's got a sense of humour.

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I was 13, I was at school and doing a class on stereotypes.

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And the teacher was a really good guy,

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he was just talking about how stupid stereotypes are

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and he was talking about a stereotype that day

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that's so old-fashioned and so Scottish

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that you definitely won't have heard it.

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Have you ever heard the stereotype that deaf people are really strong?

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That was a genuine thing when I was growing up.

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Deaf people, particularly deaf and dumb people,

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were believed to be really strong.

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And the teacher said, "Think how stupid that is.

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"Have you ever seen a deaf contender for the heavyweight championship of

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"the world?"

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And me, aged 13, I put my hand up and I went, "There was one, sir,

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"but he was disqualified for punching after the bell."

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And nobody laughed.

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And I knew right then that life was going to feel pretty long.

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You've got to have a bit of leeway with jokes, haven't you?

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I can't write jokes for the average person, can I?

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The average person is Chinese.

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LAUGHTER

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FRANKIE LAUGHS

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So, I'm from Glasgow.

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A city where people think that hepatitis B is a fucking vitamin.

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To explain Glasgow's attitude to you,

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this happened to me recently.

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I was having a wee snooze in a park,

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cos my career has been going really well lately.

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I was having a wee doze under a tree and a guy came up to me and he went,

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"Do you know your problem? You're fucking unapproachable."

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Glasgow's like an entirely negative city.

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I went to a coffee shop one time, two middle-aged women sat across

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from me and they started to moan as they sat down

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about how long they thought the coffee was going to take.

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Nothing had happened and they were both angry.

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And the coffee turned up and the first one takes a sip and goes,

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"That's not very good, is it?"

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And the second one takes a sip of hers and goes,

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"I don't even like coffee."

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I think English people don't really understand Scottish attitudes.

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You think that we all just want to see the English football team get

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beaten, but actually a lot of us would much rather see the team plane

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crash into an oil refinery.

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I enjoyed reading about Sam Allardyce.

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I didn't realise English football had a corruption problem.

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I thought the only problems in English football were racism,

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sexism, homophobia, match fixing, gambling,

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sexual assaults and a failure to perform at major tournaments.

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We'd the Queen's 90th birthday this year.

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We'd a street party round my way with jelly and ice cream.

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Nothing to do with the Queen,

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we're just trying to flush out a local paedophile.

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The Queen has two birthdays a year,

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one each for her human and lizard forms.

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Don't get me wrong, I want the Queen to live a long life,

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cos the longer she lives

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the more days we get off on holiday when she dies.

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At the moment, she's a long weekend, God bless her.

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If she makes it to 100, we're going to get a week off.

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Some people don't like the Queen.

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There was a thing a couple of years ago,

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there's a fund of money for very poor people to heat their homes

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in an emergency and the royal household tried to get a hold

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of that money to heat Buckingham Palace.

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Heat Buckingham Palace, we don't want her dying in winter.

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A week off in winter is no good to anybody.

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We want to go at the height of summer when we can turn it into

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three weeks in Tenerife.

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It's the funeral today, boys, black armbands on the flumes.

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I honestly think that the government are saving the Queen's death

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for when they need a really big distraction.

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Theresa May'll go round there one week,

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pull a pillow out of her briefcase.

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"I'm sorry ma'am, I'm afraid Isis have just landed in Cornwall."

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So, we had Brexit.

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People are saying after Brexit that British people don't trust experts

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any more. I don't think that's the problem.

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I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions

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based on nothing at all.

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Strong opinions...

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APPLAUSE

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Strong opinions on very little information,

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because we're a decadent society.

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It's exactly the same thing that happened to the ancient Romans, probably,

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I've never really bothered to find out.

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I enjoyed voting in Brexit, not for the sake of democracy,

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it's just rare for me to be allowed into a Scout hall unchallenged.

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I like Europe, I like the French.

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I like the fact that early on in French history

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two French people sat down

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and decided whether nouns were men or women.

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Literally the most pointless thing that you could do.

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"What would you say a scone is?

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"Is a scone a man or a woman?"

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"A scone is a man, you fool!

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"Why do you even have to ask?"

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"And what about lemons?

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"Are lemons men or women?"

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"Lemons are also men.

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"They're little tiny yellow men."

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"You don't really have an ending for this joke, do you?"

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"I do not care.

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"I only care about whether

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"the concept of endings is itself male or female."

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"I prefer it when Eddie Izzard does this kind of thing.

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"Eddie Izzard is better at these French jokes than you."

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"That is because he is both a man and a woman!"

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So, we elected Theresa May. We didn't even elect her.

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She just wandered in there

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like she'd stepped out of a haunted mirror.

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"Hello!"

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Theresa May looks like

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she's entirely made out of bones, doesn't she?

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She looks like she's made out of the bones that they forgot

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to put into Boris Johnson.

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He's the Foreign Secretary.

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A cross between a head injury and an unmade bed.

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It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,

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he might be the worst mammal.

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There's a lot of racism post-Brexit.

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I think British people just get immigrants to do the jobs they can't face doing themselves.

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Which is why Nigel Farage has a German wife.

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My favourite Farage thing was when he dodged a question of whether he

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thought Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.

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And I think Idris Elba would be a great James Bond

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because I want to see a Bond movie where the pre-credits sequence is just a black guy trying to

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drive an Aston Martin through central London.

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"Someone seems to be shooting at us, Bond."

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"I think it's the Met."

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I don't want to sound like I'm too down on racists here -

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some of my best friends are racists.

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Although, to be fair, they're black and they've got a point.

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There's a kind of anti-refugee racism in the air.

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Especially in the summer.

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You know, you read about some guy rowing over here in a sink

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and people are going, "Send him back!"

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Don't send him back, there was an Olympics coming up!

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Get him involved!

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There's this element to anti-refugee racism.

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People say, "Oh, Isis are sending agents disguised as refugees.

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"Isis are infiltrating Britain with refugees."

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That's not happening and I can prove that it's not happening because Isis

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recruit people from here to go and fight in Syria,

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to go and fight in Iraq.

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Why would they be SENDING anyone?

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Do you think someone is phoning up Isis tomorrow going,

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BRUMMIE ACCENT: "All right, mate.

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"I could nip down to London tomorrow and do a bit of terrorism.

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"Are you up for it?" "No! You come here.

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"Ahmed will do the terrorism!

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"Ahmed is currently clinging to a mattress

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"in the middle of the Mediterranean!

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"Ahmed will do the terrorism!"

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BRUMMIE ACCENT: "It's no bother, mate.

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"I can get a day return on the Megabus."

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"No, you come here through several strict border and security checks.

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"Ahmed will do the terrorism.

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"Ahmed is currently on a raft made out of old 7-Up bottles.

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"He's fighting off sharks with a Vileda supermop

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"Ahmed is our top agent and it's vital that he spends

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"the next five years in a refugee camp living out a real-life version

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"of The Hunger Games where the first prize is a sandwich."

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I should point out, Americans do need to worry about refugees.

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Americans do need to worry

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because a refugee in America might get involved

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in a mass shooting just to try and fit in.

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I think there will be peace in the Middle East once the oil runs out.

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Although, knowing their luck, someone will invent a replacement

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that involves mixing sand with falafel.

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One of our major problems, I think,

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is that our news has no sense of history.

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Without history, news is meaningless.

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Our news is almost, literally, someone going,

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"Another terrible car bomb in Iraq.

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"We ask our Middle East expert why do Iraqis hate cars so much."

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Let's not forget that people in Iraq and people in Syria have a greater

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life expectancy than people in Glasgow and, let's be honest,

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a higher standard of club football.

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I split up with my girlfriend recently.

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Basically, we wanted different things from the relationship.

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She wanted a baby and I wanted to be able to watch TV

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without someone talking.

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I think people are in relationships because we don't want to

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die alone, which is why I've always planned on taking

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quite a few people with me.

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I think people get the wrong idea about me.

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People think that I'm depressed. I'm not depressed.

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I don't wish that I was dead. I wish that you were all dead.

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My family, for generations before me, they were sheep farmers.

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Shepherds, really, and I kind of think I'm a bit like that.

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I like being on my own,

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I like walks and I make my living

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controlling large crowds of stupid animals.

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Do you know the job I would have liked to have?

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I would have liked to have worked on a bin lorry. That's the one job

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where you can really shout your head off all day long.

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"IS THAT A BIN OVER THERE?

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"BRING IT OVER HERE, PUT IT IN THE BIN LORRY.

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"THERE'S ANOTHER BIN. I'LL GET IT.

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"I'LL BRING IT UP TO THE BIN LORRY.

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"I'LL DRIVE THE BIN LORRY FORWARD A BIT.

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"YOU GET THE BINS."

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They could do that job in complete silence, couldn't they?

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Just have a wee meeting at the start of the shift every day.

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"OK, let's agree that when we're out there today,

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"we're going to pick up all the bins.

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"Put them in the bin lorry."

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I like that job where people

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put out cones on the motorway really late at night.

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That's got to have an attrition rate.

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You look in the first aid kit and it's just a shovel.

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I'd have liked to be a doctor.

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I think a sense of humour goes a long way as a doctor.

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"What do you mean you want a second opinion?

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"You've already had one. He said it was Alzheimer's as well."

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LAUGHTER

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I don't like celebrity atheists.

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I don't trust them. I'm an atheist.

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I was a very bad Catholic, unless you include my attitude to condoms.

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In which case, I was an absolutely amazing Catholic.

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But celebrity atheism...

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I kind of think if you live in an intolerant society anyway,

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it's kind of your duty to watch yourself for intolerance.

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We've all got a bit of it. For example, if someone said to me,

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"My friend is a Hare Krishna," I would immediately assume that they

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were a white guy who had totally lost it on drugs.

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Because I've taken acid and I thought,

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"If I just doubled the dose here, all my worries are over.

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"I'm smashing myself in the face with a cymbal outside John Lewis."

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And that's a kind of prejudice

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because religions have done good things.

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The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War,

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liberation theology in central America.

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Those people all got killed.

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They got killed for standing up for poor people and what's the reward?

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To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.

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I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist

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when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.

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I want pubs to go back to writing men and women on their toilet doors

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as I'm sick of trying to decode a rabbit in a top hat.

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You make a snap judgment about a kitten wearing a monocle

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and suddenly you're on the sex offenders' register.

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I worry about being tasered.

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I don't think I'm fit enough to survive a tasering.

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I think I'd say to the cop, "Get your gun out, mate.

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"My only hope is that you shoot me dead

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"and the Taser restarts my heart."

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I was walking down the street today, I saw a homeless guy.

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I went to give him some money and I realised I only had a £20 note.

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I thought, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

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And I decided that I didn't so I gave it to the homeless guy.

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This only happens to me in London.

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You get people going to me, "Don't give them money.

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"They just spend it on beer and fags."

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I'd always assumed they were spending it on beer and fags.

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I've never given money to a homeless guy and thought, "I hope he's putting that into his ISA!"

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I don't trust the super-rich.

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Do you know that there are now hotels for the super-rich

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that are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow,

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that's actually a code word.

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It's code for a prostitute.

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Imagine that! You phone down and ask for an extra pillow

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and a prostitute turns up.

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Now you've got two prostitutes.

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And only one pillow to smother them with.

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?

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She's one of our best sitcom writers.

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She's also one of our best comedians.

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Give it up and show a lot of love to Holly Walsh.

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, my gosh! So much attention.

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This is unbelievable!

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I don't think you understand -

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in real life, I am so easily ignored.

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I was in a mini cab the other day and the driver pulled over

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to pick up another fare because he forgot I was in the back.

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I'm so socially awkward, I was like, I don't know what to say.

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Anyway, long story short,

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it was quite a nice walk back from Heathrow.

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So, this is nice being in a theatre. Are you guys fans of theatres?

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Love going to theatre! I love it. I tell you what I don't like.

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Plays. Not in it for the plays. I love curtain calls.

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Combine my three favourite things - clapping,

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bowing, and pointing smugly at corners of the room.

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Love it!

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What an awesome way to finish work, with a curtain call.

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I don't think it should just be actors who get that.

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I think everyone deserves a curtain call when they finish work.

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Like the guy who delivers your pizza.

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"Thanks a lot, mate." Take it off him, shut the door.

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Bing bong.

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You're like, "Thank you." Shut the door again... Bing Bong.

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There he is again, this time holding hands with the entire cast of Dominoes of Lewisham.

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I'm very stressed.

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I've had a very stressful time.

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I'm moving. I live in one of those areas that is, like, a dump,

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but it's trying to be trendy.

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The sort of place where if you see a white tent on the side of the road

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you're not quite sure if it's a crime scene or a farmers' market.

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I'm buying a house. That is difficult.

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To buy a house, that is not fun.

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So stressful. I'm in a chain.

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It's ridiculous.

0:20:300:20:32

So, the people above us, they have to wait for their mortgage to clear

0:20:320:20:35

or something, and I have to wait for my parents to die.

0:20:350:20:40

It's ridiculous when your financial planning depends on a cold snap.

0:20:400:20:45

We have to move...

0:20:480:20:49

We have to move because I just became a mother, I'm a mum.

0:20:490:20:52

I just had a baby. I like him.

0:20:520:20:54

Thank you. Woo, yeah, go me and my ovaries, cool.

0:20:540:20:57

I had a little baby.

0:20:590:21:00

I like him. I like the baby.

0:21:000:21:02

I did not like being pregnant.

0:21:020:21:04

It was not fun being pregnant.

0:21:040:21:05

I was so confused.

0:21:050:21:07

Even the words they use.

0:21:070:21:09

You're like, people say, "Oh, you fall pregnant."

0:21:090:21:11

"She fell pregnant." I didn't fall pregnant.

0:21:110:21:14

I was face down on the futon when it happened.

0:21:140:21:17

Like, I couldn't have fallen, I was already down.

0:21:180:21:21

"Did you use protection?"

0:21:220:21:23

Well, I had a crash mat if that's what you mean.

0:21:230:21:26

Cos that is such a personal question.

0:21:270:21:29

"When are you going to have kids?

0:21:290:21:31

All my mum's friends, "When are you going to have kids?"

0:21:310:21:34

So personal. Whenever they ask me that, I like to turn the tables,

0:21:340:21:37

"I don't know. When are you going into a home?"

0:21:370:21:40

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

0:21:430:21:45

I can't wait to get old. I'm looking forward to getting old.

0:21:480:21:50

Old people can do what they like.

0:21:500:21:51

They do what they like.

0:21:510:21:54

I was on the bus, this incredibly old woman got on.

0:21:540:21:57

She went straight up to this guy who was sitting down and said,

0:21:570:22:00

"How old are you?" This guy was like, "37." She said,

0:22:000:22:02

"I'm 84. Get up."

0:22:020:22:05

And I was like, oh, my God! She just invented human Top Trumps!

0:22:050:22:09

This guy missed a trick.

0:22:120:22:14

He should have demanded another round, "All right, old lady,

0:22:140:22:16

"er... What's your top speed?"

0:22:160:22:19

No chance.

0:22:200:22:22

I think the worst thing about having a baby,

0:22:240:22:27

the worst thing about the whole pregnancy,

0:22:270:22:29

I'd say even more painful than labour,

0:22:290:22:31

was telling my parents that I was pregnant. It was horrible.

0:22:310:22:35

Cos my parents never talked to me about sex. They just never did that.

0:22:350:22:38

I mean, to be fair on them,

0:22:380:22:40

I think they operated on a need-to-know basis,

0:22:400:22:42

and given I had a head brace until I was 17, they thought,

0:22:420:22:45

"Do you know what? She doesn't need to know."

0:22:450:22:48

The only time that my mum ever talked to me about sex, she once sort of in passing said,

0:22:480:22:52

"Oh, by the way, when you make love to a man, put a towel down first."

0:22:520:22:55

That's it. Both practical and disturbing.

0:22:570:23:00

"Put a towel down first," that's what she said.

0:23:020:23:05

I thought, "It's given me a pathological fear of sun loungers ever since."

0:23:050:23:09

And my parents' towel collection.

0:23:100:23:12

But I swear I knew nothing about sex as a teenager.

0:23:160:23:19

I think the closest I came to having sex was when I was doing lengths

0:23:190:23:22

in the local pool and a man accidentally butterflied over me.

0:23:220:23:26

I mean, I lost my virginity so late in the end

0:23:300:23:32

that, when it finally happened,

0:23:320:23:33

I wasn't so much deflowered as dead headed.

0:23:330:23:36

But I wish I was sexually confident. Like in my 20s.

0:23:390:23:42

I'd love to be like that. I'd love to have been a player.

0:23:420:23:45

We all know people like this,

0:23:450:23:47

people who are going to go, like, "I'm going to go out tonight

0:23:470:23:49

"and I'm going to get laid." I would love to be like that.

0:23:490:23:52

I'd love to be the sort of person

0:23:520:23:53

who could just walk into any nightclub, with my towel...

0:23:530:23:57

Like, gold Duke of Edinburgh award-winning piece of ass right here.

0:24:020:24:06

Strippers, that's another person.

0:24:080:24:10

Weirdly, I admire strippers.

0:24:100:24:12

I would love to be like a stripper.

0:24:120:24:13

I would love to just be able to

0:24:130:24:16

stand on stage and own it, know I was sexy.

0:24:160:24:19

That would be awesome, you know?

0:24:190:24:21

I would be the world's worst lap dancer.

0:24:210:24:23

I could not sit on a man's knee and not want to make giddy-up noises.

0:24:230:24:27

And strip joints, they're designed to be alluring.

0:24:290:24:31

I challenge anyone, if you agree with them or not,

0:24:310:24:33

to walk past a strip joint

0:24:330:24:34

and a bit of you is not like, "What's happening?"

0:24:340:24:37

You've got the blacked out windows and the bouncers.

0:24:370:24:39

There is always a bit of you that's like, "Oh, my God.

0:24:390:24:42

"What are they doing in there?"

0:24:420:24:44

And it's exactly the same feeling as when I was a kid and I used to walk

0:24:440:24:47

past the school staffroom.

0:24:470:24:49

You walk past it and you'd be like,

0:24:490:24:52

"Oh, man, what is happening in there?"

0:24:520:24:54

It turns out both are full of adults

0:24:540:24:56

whose lives didn't work out as planned.

0:24:560:24:59

The thing I find the weirdest about strip joints, everywhere you go,

0:25:030:25:06

all these big signs, "Do not touch the women.

0:25:060:25:09

"Please do not touch the ladies."

0:25:090:25:11

The strippers always say, the fact that the men can't touch us,

0:25:110:25:14

that's what makes our job really empowering.

0:25:140:25:16

And I always think, well, that's not really empowering, is it,

0:25:160:25:19

cos that's the same rule in every other workplace in the country.

0:25:190:25:24

You don't walk into a shop and it says, "Welcome to Tesco's,

0:25:280:25:31

"don't finger the staff."

0:25:310:25:34

I'm a terrible flirt.

0:25:400:25:42

And not, "Ooh, she's a terrible flirt,"

0:25:420:25:44

but, "Did she just mention ringworms?" sort of flirt.

0:25:440:25:47

I didn't realise I was going out with my husband for the first year.

0:25:480:25:52

I thought we were just friends with benefits -

0:25:520:25:54

the benefits in question being Orange Wednesdays.

0:25:540:25:57

But we have our relationship.

0:25:590:26:01

We have our marriage. That is going OK.

0:26:010:26:03

There's one rule we stick to that is the secret to our marriage.

0:26:030:26:06

There is a very strict no farting rule.

0:26:060:26:09

We do not fart in front of each other.

0:26:090:26:11

It is hard. It is difficult.

0:26:110:26:12

But, to me, that is what love is about.

0:26:120:26:14

And, honestly, I am human, I have failed.

0:26:140:26:17

I'll admit it to you. But I've only ever farted three times

0:26:170:26:19

in front of my husband in the seven years we've been together.

0:26:190:26:22

First time cos I was very ill.

0:26:220:26:24

Second time cos I sort of tripped on the stairs and it was out of shock.

0:26:240:26:28

And the third time cos he was telling me off in the car

0:26:290:26:32

and the timing was too perfect.

0:26:320:26:34

I had no idea what I was going to do when I left school.

0:26:400:26:42

No idea. We had careers advice.

0:26:420:26:44

We had one lesson, that was it, in careers advice.

0:26:440:26:47

Everyone was given a questionnaire and the first question

0:26:470:26:50

on the questionnaire said,

0:26:500:26:51

"In a perfect world, what would your job be?"

0:26:510:26:54

And the boy next to me wrote, "War correspondent."

0:26:550:26:57

In a perfect world.

0:26:590:27:01

But I hate offending people.

0:27:070:27:09

I am so worried about it the whole time.

0:27:090:27:11

Like, women! We, women!

0:27:110:27:13

We are very easily offended and I, honestly,

0:27:130:27:16

I curse myself as one of those bitches.

0:27:160:27:18

Like, we... We do not like...

0:27:180:27:20

We do not like questions to be asked of us a lot.

0:27:200:27:22

It's not our fault, it's those social taboos that come in.

0:27:220:27:25

For example, you can't ask a woman her age.

0:27:250:27:27

If you do ask a woman her age, she'll always go,

0:27:270:27:30

"How old do you think I am? And you're like,

0:27:300:27:32

"No, that is a factual question.

0:27:320:27:34

"You cannot throw that back in my face."

0:27:340:27:36

That's like saying, "What's your house number?"

0:27:360:27:38

"What do you think my house number is?"

0:27:380:27:41

Er...

0:27:410:27:42

"27?"

0:27:420:27:44

"No, it's 32, but thank you."

0:27:440:27:46

Cos that's what you do when you have to guess a woman's age.

0:27:470:27:50

You have a guess at their age

0:27:500:27:51

and then minus five years, and then when I say it, you just go,

0:27:510:27:54

"Oh, you don't look that age."

0:27:540:27:56

It's just ridiculous. But this can backfire.

0:27:560:27:59

My brother was kissing a lady at New Year, having a lovely time.

0:27:590:28:02

Kissing and cuddling. He thought they were about the same age.

0:28:020:28:06

The girl was like, "How old are you?" My brother was like,

0:28:060:28:09

"Oh, I'm 33, how old are you?" And the girl was like, "21."

0:28:090:28:13

And without thinking, my brother went, "Wow, you don't look 21."

0:28:130:28:17

She was like, "Oh, how old do you think I am?

0:28:170:28:20

And he's like... "16?"

0:28:220:28:24

I get very worried about offending people.

0:28:280:28:30

I'm so paranoid about saying the wrong thing, honestly.

0:28:300:28:34

A few months ago... Basically it was my first night out

0:28:340:28:37

since the baby was born and I had a couple of real ales,

0:28:370:28:40

I had a glass of white wine which is never a good idea.

0:28:400:28:42

I have never once drunk white wine and not used the phrase,

0:28:420:28:45

"Why don't you just dump me, then?"

0:28:450:28:47

We were a bit...we were a bit tipsy.

0:28:500:28:52

We'd had a couple. And halfway through the evening

0:28:520:28:55

my friend was like, "Oh, my God.

0:28:550:28:57

"I've just worked out who you look like to me."

0:28:570:28:59

And I go, "Who?" And he goes, "You look like a young Mary Berry."

0:28:590:29:03

I was like, fine. She's a good GILF. Yeah, fine.

0:29:060:29:10

My friend looks just like Denzel Washington, like,

0:29:120:29:14

identical to Denzel Washington.

0:29:140:29:17

I was just about to tell him

0:29:170:29:18

when my stupid white middle-class brain said,

0:29:180:29:20

you cannot tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington.

0:29:200:29:23

You can't do that. Because he's going to think you're only saying

0:29:230:29:26

Denzel Washington because they're both black.

0:29:260:29:29

And, just like the Oscars, you can't think of many black actors.

0:29:290:29:32

He's going to think you're a massive racist.

0:29:320:29:35

Do you want that? Huh? And then my brain went, yeah,

0:29:350:29:39

but if you don't tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington,

0:29:390:29:41

and, by the way, he does look a lot like Denzel Washington,

0:29:410:29:44

just the same as I look like Mary Berry,

0:29:440:29:46

and that's not racist to compare us,

0:29:460:29:47

like, just like they do look similar,

0:29:470:29:49

if you don't tell him he looks like Denzel Washington,

0:29:490:29:51

then you're treating your friend differently because of the colour

0:29:510:29:54

of his skin and that does make you a massive racist.

0:29:540:29:57

And I was like, besides, Denzel Washington is super hot.

0:29:590:30:03

Like, I remember as a teenager

0:30:030:30:04

I watched Pelican Brief for the first time,

0:30:040:30:06

I had a very vivid sex dream that Denzel butterflied over me.

0:30:060:30:10

So I said to my friend,

0:30:150:30:16

because I thought in my head, cos I'm not a racist,

0:30:160:30:19

I'm just going to tell him he looks like Denzel, so I said, "Wow, well,

0:30:190:30:22

"I've always thought you looked like Denzel Washington."

0:30:220:30:24

My friend looked at me like a little bit confused and he went,

0:30:240:30:27

"That's so weird!

0:30:270:30:29

"Cos a lot of people say I look like Laurence Fishburne."

0:30:290:30:32

And I was like, "Oh! That's who I meant!"

0:30:320:30:36

Of course, he's the guy out of Fresh Prince. I am such a dick.

0:30:420:30:47

Anyway, you have been absolutely lovely.

0:30:470:30:50

Er... Thank you so much, goodnight!

0:30:500:30:53

Holly Walsh, ladies and gentlemen!

0:31:000:31:02

Are you ready for your second act of the evening?

0:31:020:31:06

He's a very funny guy and a good friend of mine.

0:31:080:31:11

I just want you to show him a lot of love,

0:31:110:31:13

please give it up for Mr Jack Carroll!

0:31:130:31:15

Hello, Live at the Apollo!

0:31:360:31:39

Wow! I can see a few of you in the audience are struggling to place me.

0:31:410:31:46

"Was he on the Paralympics?"

0:31:470:31:48

No, that's not me.

0:31:480:31:50

"Was he on Undateables?"

0:31:510:31:53

It's not...

0:31:530:31:55

It's not me.

0:31:570:31:58

"Does he present Bake Off?"

0:31:590:32:02

It's not me!

0:32:090:32:11

Erm, I was actually a contestant on Britain's Got Talent.

0:32:110:32:16

A few of you have twigged. I was that dog. So...

0:32:160:32:19

It's lovely to be here. My mum calls me her little Superman.

0:32:210:32:25

I was over the moon, until I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.

0:32:250:32:31

It is lovely to be out of the house, London, cos I don't know about you,

0:32:310:32:35

but my family are glued to that black box in the corner of the room.

0:32:350:32:39

I mean, my grandad's been dead for months now.

0:32:390:32:42

All joking aside, we do watch quite a lot of telly in our house.

0:32:440:32:48

I was watching an episode of daytime cookery show The Hairy Bikers

0:32:480:32:53

recently, where the hairy bikers walked round Auschwitz

0:32:530:32:58

and then made a goulash.

0:32:580:33:00

Now, let's just examine that for a second.

0:33:040:33:10

Who, after walking around Auschwitz, and having their eyes opened

0:33:110:33:16

to the full extent of human depravity goes,

0:33:160:33:20

"Well, I'm a bit peckish.

0:33:200:33:24

"I fancy a goulash!"

0:33:240:33:27

What's next? Cash In The Attic at the Anne Frank Museum?

0:33:270:33:30

I've recently started swimming again.

0:33:340:33:38

And I love the swimming pool,

0:33:380:33:39

because in there I can do my two favourite things -

0:33:390:33:42

urinate in public and drown people.

0:33:420:33:44

My swimming stroke would best be described as how you might look

0:33:470:33:52

if you dropped a toaster in the bath.

0:33:520:33:55

The one positive to having such an eclectic swimming stroke is

0:33:590:34:03

that you have to command your lane in the swimming pool,

0:34:030:34:06

you can't take any prisoners.

0:34:060:34:08

And because my swimming stroke is so lethal, it's fantastic for that.

0:34:080:34:13

I've knocked out four old women this week.

0:34:130:34:17

And that's just on land.

0:34:170:34:19

I also recently went skiing.

0:34:210:34:24

Takes a couple of seconds to compute that sentence in relation

0:34:260:34:30

to this thing, doesn't it? I can see a few of you thinking,

0:34:300:34:33

"Can Northerners go skiing?"

0:34:330:34:36

We can.

0:34:430:34:45

Although my skiing instructor had much the same reaction

0:34:450:34:48

as you guys when I walked up in the frame.

0:34:480:34:51

He was like, "What, you?

0:34:510:34:53

"Really? Does he know he's disabled?

0:34:530:34:56

"Has anyone... sat him down and told him?

0:34:560:34:59

"Well, they're not going to stand him up, are they?

0:34:590:35:01

"That would be counter-productive."

0:35:010:35:03

But I did! I skied, stood up successfully.

0:35:040:35:09

And most people, if they were in my situation and that happened to them,

0:35:090:35:13

would think, as the wind was flowing through their hair and the snow was

0:35:130:35:16

crunching underneath their feet, they would think,

0:35:160:35:19

what a fantastic achievement that is, against all the odds.

0:35:190:35:23

I thought, "Oh, shit, I'm going to lose some benefits."

0:35:230:35:26

I just had to just throw myself over...

0:35:290:35:33

in case the government were watching.

0:35:330:35:36

Better safe than sorry.

0:35:360:35:37

It's lovely to be here.

0:35:390:35:41

In my time in London, I have actually picked up a few London phrases that

0:35:410:35:46

seem to act as kryptonite to Northerners, such as myself.

0:35:460:35:50

I'm going to reel a few of these off now,

0:35:500:35:52

London phrases that act as kryptonite to Northerners.

0:35:520:35:55

Number one - "What's a Greggs?"

0:35:550:35:59

Number two - "£5 is actually pretty reasonable for a pint."

0:36:040:36:08

Number three - "Siri understands every word I say!"

0:36:150:36:19

Number four - "Actually, it's not OK to hit your kids."

0:36:230:36:27

Bloody Londoners and your new-fangled attitudes

0:36:300:36:33

towards parenting. What are you like?

0:36:330:36:35

I, um... I was in London recently and, on a side note,

0:36:350:36:41

if you're trying to get a taxi in central London,

0:36:410:36:44

maybe don't use a walking frame?

0:36:440:36:47

I was trying to hail a cab in central London

0:36:470:36:49

and all the taxis just turned their lights off in a big row,

0:36:490:36:52

just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

0:36:520:36:55

It felt like being the Yorkshire Ripper on an episode of Take Me Out.

0:36:550:36:59

One of the first times I came to London was for the Pride of Britain

0:37:020:37:06

in 2012, where Rolf Harris sung to me in a lift.

0:37:060:37:10

This is completely true.

0:37:120:37:14

He sung a song about a boy with a shovel for a face.

0:37:140:37:19

No amount of therapy can get you through that.

0:37:200:37:22

Can you tell what it is yet? It's his cock, it's always...

0:37:240:37:27

I went back to the Pride of Britain recently and they sat me on the same

0:37:300:37:35

table as Professor Stephen Hawking.

0:37:350:37:39

I was half expecting Craig Charles to run in at one point and shout,

0:37:390:37:42

"Robot Wars!"

0:37:420:37:45

I got a couple of texts from a couple of friends recently

0:37:480:37:52

to say that my audition video for Britain's Got Talent

0:37:520:37:55

had been shared around on Facebook.

0:37:550:37:58

And I had a look and it had been shared around by a page with

0:37:580:38:02

predominantly American and Australian fans,

0:38:020:38:05

and they also didn't include my name.

0:38:050:38:08

So I thought it might be funny to leave a negative comment as myself.

0:38:080:38:14

So I put, "Sympathy-grabbing disabled prick."

0:38:140:38:18

And I got some responses

0:38:200:38:22

from some American folk who weren't best pleased.

0:38:220:38:26

My favourite of which was, "How dare you say that about a person!

0:38:260:38:30

"I'm going to put you in a wheelchair!"

0:38:300:38:34

I thought, I've beat you to it, really, mate.

0:38:340:38:37

It's already been done.

0:38:370:38:40

I do prefer Facebook to Twitter,

0:38:400:38:42

because I would rather get a happy birthday message from someone who

0:38:420:38:45

didn't mean it than a death threat from someone who definitely did.

0:38:450:38:49

I was having a chat with my little cousin recently and I asked him what

0:38:530:38:57

he wanted to be when he grows up. And he said, "A YouTuber."

0:38:570:39:02

That's an actual job nowadays, uploading YouTube videos.

0:39:030:39:08

If you don't know who these guys are,

0:39:080:39:10

what they do is they sit in front of a camera with a funny haircut

0:39:100:39:14

and a beard, and just film themselves talking.

0:39:140:39:17

Do you know who the first fella to do that was? Osama Bin Laden.

0:39:170:39:21

And he doesn't get the credit, as far as I'm concerned.

0:39:230:39:26

And I'm not saying YouTubers flew planes into the Twin Towers,

0:39:260:39:31

but what I am saying is some of their content is equally harmful to

0:39:310:39:35

humanity and they should be shot and thrown in the sea.

0:39:350:39:38

Are any of you lot friends with a surprise Facebook racist?

0:39:410:39:47

Might be you, I'm not judging your internet habits.

0:39:490:39:52

But these guys, they're usually an old school friend,

0:39:540:39:58

or someone that you haven't seen for a while.

0:39:580:40:01

And then they just burst out of nowhere with a racist Facebook post.

0:40:010:40:06

I saw one of these things recently.

0:40:060:40:08

It was an image of a Muslim woman in a burqa and written across it was,

0:40:080:40:13

"If a Muslim woman is allowed to wear a burqa,

0:40:130:40:16

"then how come I'm not allowed to wear a big, white hood

0:40:160:40:19

"and burn a cross on an ethnic minority's front lawn?

0:40:190:40:23

"It's political correctness gone mad!"

0:40:230:40:26

It's one rule for the immigrants

0:40:270:40:30

and another for the imperial grand wizards!

0:40:300:40:34

And if expressing that makes me a racist in the eyes of the liberals,

0:40:340:40:38

then so be it!

0:40:380:40:41

I thought, mate, that makes you a racist...

0:40:410:40:46

in the eyes of other racists.

0:40:460:40:48

I was shocked.

0:40:500:40:52

I didn't even know my grandma had Facebook.

0:40:520:40:54

Well, I am going to go in just a second, but, before I do,

0:40:550:40:59

I would very much... You seem like a lovely crowd,

0:40:590:41:01

and I would very much like to try something with you.

0:41:010:41:04

Is that something you might be up for?

0:41:040:41:06

-ALL:

-Yes!

-Lovely, you've agreed to it now. That's a verbal contract.

0:41:060:41:09

A little bit of background. In my spare time,

0:41:110:41:15

I like to watch videos of American faith healers on YouTube. Now...

0:41:150:41:20

You've got to have a hobby.

0:41:230:41:25

These guys, what they do, if you haven't seen them,

0:41:260:41:30

they are American reverends who reckon they can cure

0:41:300:41:34

pretty much any ailment, right?

0:41:340:41:36

And I've picked up a few tips and tricks that I would like to put

0:41:360:41:39

to the test here this evening, but I am going to need your help.

0:41:390:41:42

So what I want you to do, on the count of three,

0:41:420:41:46

is get up out of your seat, raise your hands to the sky

0:41:460:41:50

and begin to chant, "Praise! Praise! Praise!"

0:41:500:41:55

And I am going to see whether I can get myself

0:41:550:41:58

into this sacred state and heal myself, OK?

0:41:580:42:00

Are you ready for that? On the count of three. One, two, three.

0:42:000:42:04

Up, up. Praise!

0:42:040:42:07

-AUDIENCE:

-Praise! Praise! Praise! Praise!

0:42:070:42:10

Alleluia! It's a miracle!

0:42:140:42:17

Yes! We did it!

0:42:190:42:21

Yes! Praise be!

0:42:230:42:25

Yes!

0:42:300:42:32

Shit, is that someone from the benefits office?

0:42:320:42:34

Right, well... I'd better be going.

0:42:340:42:37

Apollo, you've been absolutely beautiful.

0:42:370:42:40

I've been Jack Carroll, goodnight and God bless, forever onwards,

0:42:400:42:43

towards victory.

0:42:430:42:45

Jack Carroll, ladies and gentlemen!

0:42:560:42:59

And thanks to Jack Carroll, thanks to Holly Walsh,

0:43:020:43:05

take care of yourselves, all the best!

0:43:050:43:08

At the forefront of its genre, the roll call of stand-ups who have performed in front of the famous Live At The Apollo lights plays out like a who's who of comedic royalty, and this series is no different. Each episode sees a national (and sometimes international) stand-up both compering and performing, before introducing two of the best-established and up-coming stand-ups to the stage.

In this episode, Glaswegian comedy giant Frankie Boyle is your host as he introduces young stand-up sensation Jack Carroll and wonderful Holly Walsh to the stage.