Episode 5 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight,

Frankie Boyle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

AUDIENCE RESPOND

I've been quite busy letting myself go.

I decided to stop caring about my appearance when I realised that

the reason women weren't having sex with me

was because of my personality.

I'm quite out of shape at the moment.

At the moment, when I'm lying down and I get an erection

it sort of looks like a motorcyclist emerging over the brow of a hill.

I don't think women mind. Women don't mind heavier guys.

I think women look at me and think "He would go down on me

"like a parched spaniel."

I have a theory... Ha, ha!

I have a theory that masturbation is a kind of summoning spell for your

own rational mind.

Because we're all so driven by hormones and by desire,

sometimes you've got to have a wank to speak to your real self.

You have a wank and go, "I should have shagged my ex one last time,

"I'll text her. I'll text her, I'll meet her, I'll shag her."

And then you come and a little voice comes on in your head that goes

"Yeah, don't do that, mate."

You've got to be careful with jokes, haven't you?

Cos not everyone's got a sense of humour.

I can remember when I first realised

not everyone's got a sense of humour.

I was 13, I was at school and doing a class on stereotypes.

And the teacher was a really good guy,

he was just talking about how stupid stereotypes are

and he was talking about a stereotype that day

that's so old-fashioned and so Scottish

that you definitely won't have heard it.

Have you ever heard the stereotype that deaf people are really strong?

That was a genuine thing when I was growing up.

Deaf people, particularly deaf and dumb people,

were believed to be really strong.

And the teacher said, "Think how stupid that is.

"Have you ever seen a deaf contender for the heavyweight championship of

"the world?"

And me, aged 13, I put my hand up and I went, "There was one, sir,

"but he was disqualified for punching after the bell."

And nobody laughed.

And I knew right then that life was going to feel pretty long.

You've got to have a bit of leeway with jokes, haven't you?

I can't write jokes for the average person, can I?

The average person is Chinese.

LAUGHTER

FRANKIE LAUGHS

So, I'm from Glasgow.

A city where people think that hepatitis B is a fucking vitamin.

To explain Glasgow's attitude to you,

this happened to me recently.

I was having a wee snooze in a park,

cos my career has been going really well lately.

I was having a wee doze under a tree and a guy came up to me and he went,

"Do you know your problem? You're fucking unapproachable."

Glasgow's like an entirely negative city.

I went to a coffee shop one time, two middle-aged women sat across

from me and they started to moan as they sat down

about how long they thought the coffee was going to take.

Nothing had happened and they were both angry.

And the coffee turned up and the first one takes a sip and goes,

"That's not very good, is it?"

And the second one takes a sip of hers and goes,

"I don't even like coffee."

I think English people don't really understand Scottish attitudes.

You think that we all just want to see the English football team get

beaten, but actually a lot of us would much rather see the team plane

crash into an oil refinery.

I enjoyed reading about Sam Allardyce.

I didn't realise English football had a corruption problem.

I thought the only problems in English football were racism,

sexism, homophobia, match fixing, gambling,

sexual assaults and a failure to perform at major tournaments.

We'd the Queen's 90th birthday this year.

We'd a street party round my way with jelly and ice cream.

Nothing to do with the Queen,

we're just trying to flush out a local paedophile.

The Queen has two birthdays a year,

one each for her human and lizard forms.

Don't get me wrong, I want the Queen to live a long life,

cos the longer she lives

the more days we get off on holiday when she dies.

At the moment, she's a long weekend, God bless her.

If she makes it to 100, we're going to get a week off.

Some people don't like the Queen.

There was a thing a couple of years ago,

there's a fund of money for very poor people to heat their homes

in an emergency and the royal household tried to get a hold

of that money to heat Buckingham Palace.

Heat Buckingham Palace, we don't want her dying in winter.

A week off in winter is no good to anybody.

We want to go at the height of summer when we can turn it into

three weeks in Tenerife.

It's the funeral today, boys, black armbands on the flumes.

I honestly think that the government are saving the Queen's death

for when they need a really big distraction.

Theresa May'll go round there one week,

pull a pillow out of her briefcase.

"I'm sorry ma'am, I'm afraid Isis have just landed in Cornwall."

So, we had Brexit.

People are saying after Brexit that British people don't trust experts

any more. I don't think that's the problem.

I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions

based on nothing at all.

Strong opinions...

APPLAUSE

Strong opinions on very little information,

because we're a decadent society.

It's exactly the same thing that happened to the ancient Romans, probably,

I've never really bothered to find out.

I enjoyed voting in Brexit, not for the sake of democracy,

it's just rare for me to be allowed into a Scout hall unchallenged.

I like Europe, I like the French.

I like the fact that early on in French history

two French people sat down

and decided whether nouns were men or women.

Literally the most pointless thing that you could do.

"What would you say a scone is?

"Is a scone a man or a woman?"

"A scone is a man, you fool!

"Why do you even have to ask?"

"And what about lemons?

"Are lemons men or women?"

"Lemons are also men.

"They're little tiny yellow men."

"You don't really have an ending for this joke, do you?"

"I do not care.

"I only care about whether

"the concept of endings is itself male or female."

"I prefer it when Eddie Izzard does this kind of thing.

"Eddie Izzard is better at these French jokes than you."

"That is because he is both a man and a woman!"

So, we elected Theresa May. We didn't even elect her.

She just wandered in there

like she'd stepped out of a haunted mirror.

"Hello!"

Theresa May looks like

she's entirely made out of bones, doesn't she?

She looks like she's made out of the bones that they forgot

to put into Boris Johnson.

He's the Foreign Secretary.

A cross between a head injury and an unmade bed.

It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,

he might be the worst mammal.

There's a lot of racism post-Brexit.

I think British people just get immigrants to do the jobs they can't face doing themselves.

Which is why Nigel Farage has a German wife.

My favourite Farage thing was when he dodged a question of whether he

thought Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.

And I think Idris Elba would be a great James Bond

because I want to see a Bond movie where the pre-credits sequence is just a black guy trying to

drive an Aston Martin through central London.

"Someone seems to be shooting at us, Bond."

"I think it's the Met."

I don't want to sound like I'm too down on racists here -

some of my best friends are racists.

Although, to be fair, they're black and they've got a point.

There's a kind of anti-refugee racism in the air.

Especially in the summer.

You know, you read about some guy rowing over here in a sink

and people are going, "Send him back!"

Don't send him back, there was an Olympics coming up!

Get him involved!

There's this element to anti-refugee racism.

People say, "Oh, Isis are sending agents disguised as refugees.

"Isis are infiltrating Britain with refugees."

That's not happening and I can prove that it's not happening because Isis

recruit people from here to go and fight in Syria,

to go and fight in Iraq.

Why would they be SENDING anyone?

Do you think someone is phoning up Isis tomorrow going,

BRUMMIE ACCENT: "All right, mate.

"I could nip down to London tomorrow and do a bit of terrorism.

"Are you up for it?" "No! You come here.

"Ahmed will do the terrorism!

"Ahmed is currently clinging to a mattress

"in the middle of the Mediterranean!

"Ahmed will do the terrorism!"

BRUMMIE ACCENT: "It's no bother, mate.

"I can get a day return on the Megabus."

"No, you come here through several strict border and security checks.

"Ahmed will do the terrorism.

"Ahmed is currently on a raft made out of old 7-Up bottles.

"He's fighting off sharks with a Vileda supermop

"Ahmed is our top agent and it's vital that he spends

"the next five years in a refugee camp living out a real-life version

"of The Hunger Games where the first prize is a sandwich."

I should point out, Americans do need to worry about refugees.

Americans do need to worry

because a refugee in America might get involved

in a mass shooting just to try and fit in.

I think there will be peace in the Middle East once the oil runs out.

Although, knowing their luck, someone will invent a replacement

that involves mixing sand with falafel.

One of our major problems, I think,

is that our news has no sense of history.

Without history, news is meaningless.

Our news is almost, literally, someone going,

"Another terrible car bomb in Iraq.

"We ask our Middle East expert why do Iraqis hate cars so much."

Let's not forget that people in Iraq and people in Syria have a greater

life expectancy than people in Glasgow and, let's be honest,

a higher standard of club football.

I split up with my girlfriend recently.

Basically, we wanted different things from the relationship.

She wanted a baby and I wanted to be able to watch TV

without someone talking.

I think people are in relationships because we don't want to

die alone, which is why I've always planned on taking

quite a few people with me.

I think people get the wrong idea about me.

People think that I'm depressed. I'm not depressed.

I don't wish that I was dead. I wish that you were all dead.

My family, for generations before me, they were sheep farmers.

Shepherds, really, and I kind of think I'm a bit like that.

I like being on my own,

I like walks and I make my living

controlling large crowds of stupid animals.

Do you know the job I would have liked to have?

I would have liked to have worked on a bin lorry. That's the one job

where you can really shout your head off all day long.

"IS THAT A BIN OVER THERE?

"BRING IT OVER HERE, PUT IT IN THE BIN LORRY.

"THERE'S ANOTHER BIN. I'LL GET IT.

"I'LL BRING IT UP TO THE BIN LORRY.

"I'LL DRIVE THE BIN LORRY FORWARD A BIT.

"YOU GET THE BINS."

They could do that job in complete silence, couldn't they?

Just have a wee meeting at the start of the shift every day.

"OK, let's agree that when we're out there today,

"we're going to pick up all the bins.

"Put them in the bin lorry."

I like that job where people

put out cones on the motorway really late at night.

That's got to have an attrition rate.

You look in the first aid kit and it's just a shovel.

I'd have liked to be a doctor.

I think a sense of humour goes a long way as a doctor.

"What do you mean you want a second opinion?

"You've already had one. He said it was Alzheimer's as well."

LAUGHTER

I don't like celebrity atheists.

I don't trust them. I'm an atheist.

I was a very bad Catholic, unless you include my attitude to condoms.

In which case, I was an absolutely amazing Catholic.

But celebrity atheism...

I kind of think if you live in an intolerant society anyway,

it's kind of your duty to watch yourself for intolerance.

We've all got a bit of it. For example, if someone said to me,

"My friend is a Hare Krishna," I would immediately assume that they

were a white guy who had totally lost it on drugs.

Because I've taken acid and I thought,

"If I just doubled the dose here, all my worries are over.

"I'm smashing myself in the face with a cymbal outside John Lewis."

And that's a kind of prejudice

because religions have done good things.

The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War,

liberation theology in central America.

Those people all got killed.

They got killed for standing up for poor people and what's the reward?

To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.

I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist

when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.

I want pubs to go back to writing men and women on their toilet doors

as I'm sick of trying to decode a rabbit in a top hat.

You make a snap judgment about a kitten wearing a monocle

and suddenly you're on the sex offenders' register.

I worry about being tasered.

I don't think I'm fit enough to survive a tasering.

I think I'd say to the cop, "Get your gun out, mate.

"My only hope is that you shoot me dead

"and the Taser restarts my heart."

I was walking down the street today, I saw a homeless guy.

I went to give him some money and I realised I only had a £20 note.

I thought, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

And I decided that I didn't so I gave it to the homeless guy.

This only happens to me in London.

You get people going to me, "Don't give them money.

"They just spend it on beer and fags."

I'd always assumed they were spending it on beer and fags.

I've never given money to a homeless guy and thought, "I hope he's putting that into his ISA!"

I don't trust the super-rich.

Do you know that there are now hotels for the super-rich

that are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow,

that's actually a code word.

It's code for a prostitute.

Imagine that! You phone down and ask for an extra pillow

and a prostitute turns up.

Now you've got two prostitutes.

And only one pillow to smother them with.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?

She's one of our best sitcom writers.

She's also one of our best comedians.

Give it up and show a lot of love to Holly Walsh.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my gosh! So much attention.

This is unbelievable!

I don't think you understand -

in real life, I am so easily ignored.

I was in a mini cab the other day and the driver pulled over

to pick up another fare because he forgot I was in the back.

I'm so socially awkward, I was like, I don't know what to say.

Anyway, long story short,

it was quite a nice walk back from Heathrow.

So, this is nice being in a theatre. Are you guys fans of theatres?

Love going to theatre! I love it. I tell you what I don't like.

Plays. Not in it for the plays. I love curtain calls.

Combine my three favourite things - clapping,

bowing, and pointing smugly at corners of the room.

Love it!

What an awesome way to finish work, with a curtain call.

I don't think it should just be actors who get that.

I think everyone deserves a curtain call when they finish work.

Like the guy who delivers your pizza.

"Thanks a lot, mate." Take it off him, shut the door.

Bing bong.

You're like, "Thank you." Shut the door again... Bing Bong.

There he is again, this time holding hands with the entire cast of Dominoes of Lewisham.

I'm very stressed.

I've had a very stressful time.

I'm moving. I live in one of those areas that is, like, a dump,

but it's trying to be trendy.

The sort of place where if you see a white tent on the side of the road

you're not quite sure if it's a crime scene or a farmers' market.

I'm buying a house. That is difficult.

To buy a house, that is not fun.

So stressful. I'm in a chain.

It's ridiculous.

So, the people above us, they have to wait for their mortgage to clear

or something, and I have to wait for my parents to die.

It's ridiculous when your financial planning depends on a cold snap.

We have to move...

We have to move because I just became a mother, I'm a mum.

I just had a baby. I like him.

Thank you. Woo, yeah, go me and my ovaries, cool.

I had a little baby.

I like him. I like the baby.

I did not like being pregnant.

It was not fun being pregnant.

I was so confused.

Even the words they use.

You're like, people say, "Oh, you fall pregnant."

"She fell pregnant." I didn't fall pregnant.

I was face down on the futon when it happened.

Like, I couldn't have fallen, I was already down.

"Did you use protection?"

Well, I had a crash mat if that's what you mean.

Cos that is such a personal question.

"When are you going to have kids?

All my mum's friends, "When are you going to have kids?"

So personal. Whenever they ask me that, I like to turn the tables,

"I don't know. When are you going into a home?"

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

I can't wait to get old. I'm looking forward to getting old.

Old people can do what they like.

They do what they like.

I was on the bus, this incredibly old woman got on.

She went straight up to this guy who was sitting down and said,

"How old are you?" This guy was like, "37." She said,

"I'm 84. Get up."

And I was like, oh, my God! She just invented human Top Trumps!

This guy missed a trick.

He should have demanded another round, "All right, old lady,

"er... What's your top speed?"

No chance.

I think the worst thing about having a baby,

the worst thing about the whole pregnancy,

I'd say even more painful than labour,

was telling my parents that I was pregnant. It was horrible.

Cos my parents never talked to me about sex. They just never did that.

I mean, to be fair on them,

I think they operated on a need-to-know basis,

and given I had a head brace until I was 17, they thought,

"Do you know what? She doesn't need to know."

The only time that my mum ever talked to me about sex, she once sort of in passing said,

"Oh, by the way, when you make love to a man, put a towel down first."

That's it. Both practical and disturbing.

"Put a towel down first," that's what she said.

I thought, "It's given me a pathological fear of sun loungers ever since."

And my parents' towel collection.

But I swear I knew nothing about sex as a teenager.

I think the closest I came to having sex was when I was doing lengths

in the local pool and a man accidentally butterflied over me.

I mean, I lost my virginity so late in the end

that, when it finally happened,

I wasn't so much deflowered as dead headed.

But I wish I was sexually confident. Like in my 20s.

I'd love to be like that. I'd love to have been a player.

We all know people like this,

people who are going to go, like, "I'm going to go out tonight

"and I'm going to get laid." I would love to be like that.

I'd love to be the sort of person

who could just walk into any nightclub, with my towel...

Like, gold Duke of Edinburgh award-winning piece of ass right here.

Strippers, that's another person.

Weirdly, I admire strippers.

I would love to be like a stripper.

I would love to just be able to

stand on stage and own it, know I was sexy.

That would be awesome, you know?

I would be the world's worst lap dancer.

I could not sit on a man's knee and not want to make giddy-up noises.

And strip joints, they're designed to be alluring.

I challenge anyone, if you agree with them or not,

to walk past a strip joint

and a bit of you is not like, "What's happening?"

You've got the blacked out windows and the bouncers.

There is always a bit of you that's like, "Oh, my God.

"What are they doing in there?"

And it's exactly the same feeling as when I was a kid and I used to walk

past the school staffroom.

You walk past it and you'd be like,

"Oh, man, what is happening in there?"

It turns out both are full of adults

whose lives didn't work out as planned.

The thing I find the weirdest about strip joints, everywhere you go,

all these big signs, "Do not touch the women.

"Please do not touch the ladies."

The strippers always say, the fact that the men can't touch us,

that's what makes our job really empowering.

And I always think, well, that's not really empowering, is it,

cos that's the same rule in every other workplace in the country.

You don't walk into a shop and it says, "Welcome to Tesco's,

"don't finger the staff."

I'm a terrible flirt.

And not, "Ooh, she's a terrible flirt,"

but, "Did she just mention ringworms?" sort of flirt.

I didn't realise I was going out with my husband for the first year.

I thought we were just friends with benefits -

the benefits in question being Orange Wednesdays.

But we have our relationship.

We have our marriage. That is going OK.

There's one rule we stick to that is the secret to our marriage.

There is a very strict no farting rule.

We do not fart in front of each other.

It is hard. It is difficult.

But, to me, that is what love is about.

And, honestly, I am human, I have failed.

I'll admit it to you. But I've only ever farted three times

in front of my husband in the seven years we've been together.

First time cos I was very ill.

Second time cos I sort of tripped on the stairs and it was out of shock.

And the third time cos he was telling me off in the car

and the timing was too perfect.

I had no idea what I was going to do when I left school.

No idea. We had careers advice.

We had one lesson, that was it, in careers advice.

Everyone was given a questionnaire and the first question

on the questionnaire said,

"In a perfect world, what would your job be?"

And the boy next to me wrote, "War correspondent."

In a perfect world.

But I hate offending people.

I am so worried about it the whole time.

Like, women! We, women!

We are very easily offended and I, honestly,

I curse myself as one of those bitches.

Like, we... We do not like...

We do not like questions to be asked of us a lot.

It's not our fault, it's those social taboos that come in.

For example, you can't ask a woman her age.

If you do ask a woman her age, she'll always go,

"How old do you think I am? And you're like,

"No, that is a factual question.

"You cannot throw that back in my face."

That's like saying, "What's your house number?"

"What do you think my house number is?"

Er...

"27?"

"No, it's 32, but thank you."

Cos that's what you do when you have to guess a woman's age.

You have a guess at their age

and then minus five years, and then when I say it, you just go,

"Oh, you don't look that age."

It's just ridiculous. But this can backfire.

My brother was kissing a lady at New Year, having a lovely time.

Kissing and cuddling. He thought they were about the same age.

The girl was like, "How old are you?" My brother was like,

"Oh, I'm 33, how old are you?" And the girl was like, "21."

And without thinking, my brother went, "Wow, you don't look 21."

She was like, "Oh, how old do you think I am?

And he's like... "16?"

I get very worried about offending people.

I'm so paranoid about saying the wrong thing, honestly.

A few months ago... Basically it was my first night out

since the baby was born and I had a couple of real ales,

I had a glass of white wine which is never a good idea.

I have never once drunk white wine and not used the phrase,

"Why don't you just dump me, then?"

We were a bit...we were a bit tipsy.

We'd had a couple. And halfway through the evening

my friend was like, "Oh, my God.

"I've just worked out who you look like to me."

And I go, "Who?" And he goes, "You look like a young Mary Berry."

I was like, fine. She's a good GILF. Yeah, fine.

My friend looks just like Denzel Washington, like,

identical to Denzel Washington.

I was just about to tell him

when my stupid white middle-class brain said,

you cannot tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington.

You can't do that. Because he's going to think you're only saying

Denzel Washington because they're both black.

And, just like the Oscars, you can't think of many black actors.

He's going to think you're a massive racist.

Do you want that? Huh? And then my brain went, yeah,

but if you don't tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington,

and, by the way, he does look a lot like Denzel Washington,

just the same as I look like Mary Berry,

and that's not racist to compare us,

like, just like they do look similar,

if you don't tell him he looks like Denzel Washington,

then you're treating your friend differently because of the colour

of his skin and that does make you a massive racist.

And I was like, besides, Denzel Washington is super hot.

Like, I remember as a teenager

I watched Pelican Brief for the first time,

I had a very vivid sex dream that Denzel butterflied over me.

So I said to my friend,

because I thought in my head, cos I'm not a racist,

I'm just going to tell him he looks like Denzel, so I said, "Wow, well,

"I've always thought you looked like Denzel Washington."

My friend looked at me like a little bit confused and he went,

"That's so weird!

"Cos a lot of people say I look like Laurence Fishburne."

And I was like, "Oh! That's who I meant!"

Of course, he's the guy out of Fresh Prince. I am such a dick.

Anyway, you have been absolutely lovely.

Er... Thank you so much, goodnight!

Holly Walsh, ladies and gentlemen!

Are you ready for your second act of the evening?

He's a very funny guy and a good friend of mine.

I just want you to show him a lot of love,

please give it up for Mr Jack Carroll!

Hello, Live at the Apollo!

Wow! I can see a few of you in the audience are struggling to place me.

"Was he on the Paralympics?"

No, that's not me.

"Was he on Undateables?"

It's not...

It's not me.

"Does he present Bake Off?"

It's not me!

Erm, I was actually a contestant on Britain's Got Talent.

A few of you have twigged. I was that dog. So...

It's lovely to be here. My mum calls me her little Superman.

I was over the moon, until I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.

It is lovely to be out of the house, London, cos I don't know about you,

but my family are glued to that black box in the corner of the room.

I mean, my grandad's been dead for months now.

All joking aside, we do watch quite a lot of telly in our house.

I was watching an episode of daytime cookery show The Hairy Bikers

recently, where the hairy bikers walked round Auschwitz

and then made a goulash.

Now, let's just examine that for a second.

Who, after walking around Auschwitz, and having their eyes opened

to the full extent of human depravity goes,

"Well, I'm a bit peckish.

"I fancy a goulash!"

What's next? Cash In The Attic at the Anne Frank Museum?

I've recently started swimming again.

And I love the swimming pool,

because in there I can do my two favourite things -

urinate in public and drown people.

My swimming stroke would best be described as how you might look

if you dropped a toaster in the bath.

The one positive to having such an eclectic swimming stroke is

that you have to command your lane in the swimming pool,

you can't take any prisoners.

And because my swimming stroke is so lethal, it's fantastic for that.

I've knocked out four old women this week.

And that's just on land.

I also recently went skiing.

Takes a couple of seconds to compute that sentence in relation

to this thing, doesn't it? I can see a few of you thinking,

"Can Northerners go skiing?"

We can.

Although my skiing instructor had much the same reaction

as you guys when I walked up in the frame.

He was like, "What, you?

"Really? Does he know he's disabled?

"Has anyone... sat him down and told him?

"Well, they're not going to stand him up, are they?

"That would be counter-productive."

But I did! I skied, stood up successfully.

And most people, if they were in my situation and that happened to them,

would think, as the wind was flowing through their hair and the snow was

crunching underneath their feet, they would think,

what a fantastic achievement that is, against all the odds.

I thought, "Oh, shit, I'm going to lose some benefits."

I just had to just throw myself over...

in case the government were watching.

Better safe than sorry.

It's lovely to be here.

In my time in London, I have actually picked up a few London phrases that

seem to act as kryptonite to Northerners, such as myself.

I'm going to reel a few of these off now,

London phrases that act as kryptonite to Northerners.

Number one - "What's a Greggs?"

Number two - "£5 is actually pretty reasonable for a pint."

Number three - "Siri understands every word I say!"

Number four - "Actually, it's not OK to hit your kids."

Bloody Londoners and your new-fangled attitudes

towards parenting. What are you like?

I, um... I was in London recently and, on a side note,

if you're trying to get a taxi in central London,

maybe don't use a walking frame?

I was trying to hail a cab in central London

and all the taxis just turned their lights off in a big row,

just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

It felt like being the Yorkshire Ripper on an episode of Take Me Out.

One of the first times I came to London was for the Pride of Britain

in 2012, where Rolf Harris sung to me in a lift.

This is completely true.

He sung a song about a boy with a shovel for a face.

No amount of therapy can get you through that.

Can you tell what it is yet? It's his cock, it's always...

I went back to the Pride of Britain recently and they sat me on the same

table as Professor Stephen Hawking.

I was half expecting Craig Charles to run in at one point and shout,

"Robot Wars!"

I got a couple of texts from a couple of friends recently

to say that my audition video for Britain's Got Talent

had been shared around on Facebook.

And I had a look and it had been shared around by a page with

predominantly American and Australian fans,

and they also didn't include my name.

So I thought it might be funny to leave a negative comment as myself.

So I put, "Sympathy-grabbing disabled prick."

And I got some responses

from some American folk who weren't best pleased.

My favourite of which was, "How dare you say that about a person!

"I'm going to put you in a wheelchair!"

I thought, I've beat you to it, really, mate.

It's already been done.

I do prefer Facebook to Twitter,

because I would rather get a happy birthday message from someone who

didn't mean it than a death threat from someone who definitely did.

I was having a chat with my little cousin recently and I asked him what

he wanted to be when he grows up. And he said, "A YouTuber."

That's an actual job nowadays, uploading YouTube videos.

If you don't know who these guys are,

what they do is they sit in front of a camera with a funny haircut

and a beard, and just film themselves talking.

Do you know who the first fella to do that was? Osama Bin Laden.

And he doesn't get the credit, as far as I'm concerned.

And I'm not saying YouTubers flew planes into the Twin Towers,

but what I am saying is some of their content is equally harmful to

humanity and they should be shot and thrown in the sea.

Are any of you lot friends with a surprise Facebook racist?

Might be you, I'm not judging your internet habits.

But these guys, they're usually an old school friend,

or someone that you haven't seen for a while.

And then they just burst out of nowhere with a racist Facebook post.

I saw one of these things recently.

It was an image of a Muslim woman in a burqa and written across it was,

"If a Muslim woman is allowed to wear a burqa,

"then how come I'm not allowed to wear a big, white hood

"and burn a cross on an ethnic minority's front lawn?

"It's political correctness gone mad!"

It's one rule for the immigrants

and another for the imperial grand wizards!

And if expressing that makes me a racist in the eyes of the liberals,

then so be it!

I thought, mate, that makes you a racist...

in the eyes of other racists.

I was shocked.

I didn't even know my grandma had Facebook.

Well, I am going to go in just a second, but, before I do,

I would very much... You seem like a lovely crowd,

and I would very much like to try something with you.

Is that something you might be up for?

-ALL:

-Yes!

-Lovely, you've agreed to it now. That's a verbal contract.

A little bit of background. In my spare time,

I like to watch videos of American faith healers on YouTube. Now...

You've got to have a hobby.

These guys, what they do, if you haven't seen them,

they are American reverends who reckon they can cure

pretty much any ailment, right?

And I've picked up a few tips and tricks that I would like to put

to the test here this evening, but I am going to need your help.

So what I want you to do, on the count of three,

is get up out of your seat, raise your hands to the sky

and begin to chant, "Praise! Praise! Praise!"

And I am going to see whether I can get myself

into this sacred state and heal myself, OK?

Are you ready for that? On the count of three. One, two, three.

Up, up. Praise!

-AUDIENCE:

-Praise! Praise! Praise! Praise!

Alleluia! It's a miracle!

Yes! We did it!

Yes! Praise be!

Yes!

Shit, is that someone from the benefits office?

Right, well... I'd better be going.

Apollo, you've been absolutely beautiful.

I've been Jack Carroll, goodnight and God bless, forever onwards,

towards victory.

Jack Carroll, ladies and gentlemen!

And thanks to Jack Carroll, thanks to Holly Walsh,

take care of yourselves, all the best!