Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Adam Hills!

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, Apollo!

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For those of you who don't know, my hair...

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OK, I lost a bet...

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CHEERING ..with the British Paralympic team.

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I bet them they wouldn't win more medals than the Australian

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Paralympic team. They did.

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I now have a Union Jack on my head. CHEERING

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I said if they won the bet I'd paint a Union Jack on my head.

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They won the bet, so...

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CHEERING

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I know. I look like Nigel Farage's wet dream.

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It's appalling. People have asked me how long I'm going to keep it

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and the answer is until I have to do a show in Belfast.

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LAUGHTER

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And yeah, you love beating Australia at shit, don't you?

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CHEERING You love beating Australians.

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I remember... I first found that out when you beat us

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in the Rugby World Cup.

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And I was in a place called Newcastle upon Tyne and it came time

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to sing the national anthem and there were only ten Aussies in this pub.

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And we all got up and sang our anthem,

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which I'm sure you're aware is, "I come from a land down under."

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LAUGHTER

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And then the English got up and sang your anthem

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and then you didn't just stop at the anthem.

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You started singing offensive chants at us

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that would have been racist if they weren't so musical.

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It started with...

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# We get three dollars to the pound! #

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LAUGHTER When you're heckling the exchange

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rate, that's inventive, right?

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And finished with...

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# Get your shit stars Get your shit stars

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# Get your shit stars off our flag. #

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LAUGHTER

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Even your sign language is racist.

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I'm not sure if you know, I do shows with sign interpreters

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and I've learnt a little bit of sign language

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and the signs that you use for different countries... OK,

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this is the sign for England.

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Now, it's lovely, it's the letter E.

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There is another sign for England, by the way, which I love,

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which is this.

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LAUGHTER And it's this because it's

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the strap on a bobby's helmet.

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Which is lovely but confusing cos this is England,

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this is lesbian.

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LAUGHTER

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England, lesbian. England, lesbian.

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I mean, you don't want to get those two confused.

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You don't want to go out to a club, pick up two girls, take them home, find out they're both English!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Here's where it starts getting slightly offensive.

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The sign for Ireland, the English sign language for Ireland,

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British Sign Language, is this.

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LAUGHTER And if you ask a British person,

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they'll say, "Oh, it's the shamrock, it's a shamrock in my pocket, sticking out like that."

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No, it's not. It's English

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people going, "Oh, God, there seem to be Irish people on me."

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LAUGHTER

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But the worst is Australian.

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This is the British Sign Language sign

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that you lot use for my country.

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It's not that.

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LAUGHTER

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No, I've taken the top off!

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Well, that's how I got two kids.

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This is the British Sign Language sign for Australia.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That is you lot saying,

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"Well, we've picked the dirty scum up and we've put them over there."

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And the thing is we do kind of bond, Australians and Brits,

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and I think it's because we come from the same stock.

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Even the Australian accent, as far as I can see,

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is just the convict cockney accent slowed down because of the heat.

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LAUGHTER 200 years ago convicts got off ships in Australia just going,

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"Bloody hell, that was a long bloody journey, three bloody weeks, the other side of bloody planet, where

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"are we now? I don't know - but it's a bit...hot."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Now, before I go any further, I do have to point out there is a bit of

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weirdness going on at the bottom of my leg here.

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For those of you who don't know, I have a prosthetic foot.

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Which is no big deal, normally it doesn't stick out.

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But last year I was fitted with one of those really cool blades.

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I don't know if you can see that. One of those, like, running blades that they have.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS Yeah, I was pretty excited by that. The only problem with having a blade

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is, when you tell people you've got a blade, they go, "Oh, you mean like...?" And you go,

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"Yeah, him. Yeah, that guy. Yeah." LAUGHTER

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OK, we'll just move... See, that was the thing. I always hid my foot

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when I was a kid. I always kept it hidden, because I didn't know anyone

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cool that looked cool

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with a cool prosthetic. And then I got the chance to get a blade

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and I went, "Yeah, finally I'm going to look cool."

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And then Oscar Pistorius fucked it up for all of us!

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, clearly I'm the least damaged of all the people

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that he's come into contact with, but still!

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Do you know what I mean? Finally I get a blade and then he...

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Oh! Now I know how Charlie Chaplin felt when Hitler started using his

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tiny moustache. LAUGHTER

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Cos now what I thought was going to be cool is just an

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object of ridicule. And now people just make jokes.

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I go, "Oh, I've got a blade, and they go, "Oh, better lock the bathroom door!"

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LAUGHTER

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OK, of all... Jimmy Carr.

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I saw Jimmy Carr a couple of weeks ago, and I said, "Oh, look at this,

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"I've got a blade. And he said, "Oh!

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"South African eBay, was it?"

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know what? I don't care what's happened. I think it looks cool.

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I'm going to own it. It sticks out the bottom of my trousers,

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but I don't care. I'm just going to happily let it stick out there

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cos I think it looks cool.

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Yeah!

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Yeah. Yeah. You all say that but the old lady in Basingstoke that came up

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to me recently after a show didn't think the same.

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These were her exact words.

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"I know you think it looks cool,

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"but from the audience it just looks like one long testicle is hanging

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"down the bottom of your trousers."

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This guy here. I'm going to go for this guy here.

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How old are you there, sir?

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-I'm 50.

-50.

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All right. I'm a few years behind you but I reckon we're probably at

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the same point in our lives. Ah, which is,

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we need to start living healthier but we haven't had the scare

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that forces us to do it yet!

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And what's your name, sir?

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-Andy.

-Andy. Do you know what turns me off being healthy?

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Talking to healthy people.

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They are the dullest human beings in any room.

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And well done, man clapping over there.

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If you're healthy, shut up, no-one needs to hear about it.

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CHEERING And the thing is, I know when you're

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being healthy it makes you feel good and you want to tell everyone but no-one needs to hear it.

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I've got friends that just go on for hours, "Oh, my God, Adam,

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"all I do is eat kale and drink my own urine."

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LAUGHTER

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"I don't care." "But I've got so much more energy than you!"

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"Yeah, cos you've just drained most of mine!"

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"I'm going to live ten years longer than you, Adam."

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"Yeah, but I'm going to die surrounded by friends."

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And you don't need to do that much. All you need to do is... A friend of mine said to me recently, "Have you

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"lost weight?" I went, "Yeah, I think I have." He said, "What have you done?" And before

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I could answer, all he said was, "Don't tell me all you've done is just eat less and exercise more."

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I went, "Yeah, I think I did." And he went, "Ah, shit, now I have to do that!"

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Cos we all want to think there's this amazing diet out there that we

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just haven't found that's going to cure all of us. All you need to do is just do some push-ups

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and eat less shit.

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But no-one makes money at that, so they invent things like the Paleo Diet.

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Have you heard of a thing called the Paleo Diet?

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Right, I'm going to explain it to you... Do you know what the Paleo Diet is, Andy?

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Nor should you. I'm going to explain it to you the way I explained it to

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my 98-year-old grandfather who eats nothing but sausages,

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and no-one's declared that a superfood yet.

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LAUGHTER

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98 years old, my grandad said "What's the Paleo Diet, Adam?"

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I said, "Well, Grandad, the Paleo Diet is this.

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"You eat nothing but meat, fruit, vegetables and nuts."

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And he went, "Ah.

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"In my day, we used to call that eating."

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LAUGHTER Cos it's bullshit.

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It's just a made-up diet and they call it the Paleo Diet because it's

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based on what Palaeolithic man used to eat.

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Cos apparently he was skinny.

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Of course he was skinny, he had to hunt his own food!

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LAUGHTER You'd be skinny too if it took you

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three days to track down a lasagne.

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LAUGHTER

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Now look, the truth is the only reason I've started being healthy is cos my wife

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recently told me I needed to be a bit healthier.

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She didn't use those words.

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Her exact words were, "You've really let yourself go."

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LAUGHTER Now I'm going to...

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Have you ever had that, Andy? Do you have a partner?

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You do. Is your partner here?

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She's not, she's at home. Has she ever said you've let yourself go?

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Yep. OK. Here's what I've learnt.

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There's a right and a wrong way to respond to that.

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And the words are exactly the same for the right way and the wrong way. It's just the inflection you use

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that makes them right or wrong. I'll show you what I mean, everyone. OK. This is the right way to respond

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when your partner says you've really let yourself go.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, I've really let myself go.

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This is the wrong way to respond.

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Yeah, I'VE really let MYSELF go?!

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LAUGHTER You see?

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Can you see the difference there? It's slow.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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It's tough times, tough times in our house at the moment...

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..since I first started doing that joke.

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I've got two kids, I've got two kids. And I was not ready for the

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strain it puts on a relationship.

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And part of it comes down to who's in charge.

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Because I like to help out.

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My wife's got her way of doing things and I've got my way of doing

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things, and when those things are different, who's right and who's wrong and who has final say?

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Now, I don't know who to talk to about this cos I grew

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up in the '70s, when dads weren't hands-on but entertainers were.

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So... LAUGHTER

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Hey.

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All I'm saying is it's good to see an Australian one-legged entertainer

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with an extra one doing well in Britain.

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Now.

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And so it's this weird thing. So my wife and I -

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and I know all parents do this -

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we all clash over who's right and who's wrong.

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And then every now and then, look, I see a single parent on the street

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and just look at them struggling with three kids and think, "Oh, my God.

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"Must be so much easier without someone telling you you're doing it wrong."

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LAUGHTER Cos...

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Are there any single parents here tonight?

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Yes - down here. You are, ma'am?

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Single parents are absolute heroes.

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And I genuinely believe this. And...

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I want to apologise for everything I ever thought about single parents.

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Cos I used to look at single parents on the street yelling at their kids and I'd...

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And I know this is wrong, I used to look at them and go, "Oh, my God.

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"No wonder you're single." AUDIENCE MURMURS

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I know this is wrong. "Oh, you're an arsehole."

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But now I look at single parents on the street and go,

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"Oh, my God. Children turn you into an arsehole!"

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Cos I remember sitting in a cafe in the middle of England,

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I was doing a show and it was the afternoon

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and I was having a nice cup of tea.

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And I remember watching this woman

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and this is how much my views on the world have changed.

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I remember watching this woman walking across the street and she

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had three bags of shopping and her son's schoolbag,

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and he was about seven,

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and she was walking across a zebra crossing.

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And this is how he was walking.

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She was walking across and he was doing this. He was going...

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LAUGHTER

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Landing on each white line as he went.

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And I was watching him, thinking, "Yeah, you embrace life, kid,

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"you embrace life. And his mum turned to him and just went,

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"Oh, walk sensibly."

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And I remember sitting there thinking, "You bitch."

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LAUGHTER "You absolute bitch.

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"That kid is seven.

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"That kid is seven. He is turning crossing the road into an adventure.

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"He is living every second of life and making everything fun.

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"Leave him alone. Let him have his childhood!"

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Now that I've got kids... LAUGHTER

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..I want to go back to that moment

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and I want to walk up to them and look at the kid, and go,

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"Walk sensibly, you little shit!"

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LAUGHTER

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Your mum's got three bags of shopping and your schoolbag,

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you're lucky she hasn't pushed you under a truck, you little arsehole!

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Because I'm a male... My wife looks after our kids when I'm away

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and she's awesome.

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She is so good at it.

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I can do it for about four days

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but then I start talking like an arsehole.

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I'll be... If I've got my kids for more than four days,

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you'll see me down at the local park just going, "Darren. Darren. Darren.

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"Darren. Darren! Darren! Darren.

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"Darren! Darren. Darren.

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"Darren! Darren!

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"Darren. Darren!

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"Let your brother drink some of the Diet Coke."

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LAUGHTER And we've got two girls, so I don't

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even know who Darren is...

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It's tough times.

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So single parents, I genuinely believe you're absolute heroes.

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Gay people, I'm not sure they should be allowed to adopt children.

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Now...

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I'm kidding!

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LAUGHTER It's a joke! And I'm not saying

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that in case you're offended, you'll work out soon that

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I'm kidding and you'll be fine.

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I say that in case you agree with me and no-one needs that in a room.

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LAUGHTER

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Let me explain. Because... I've got a prosthetic foot.

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Now, that prosthetic foot throws my knees out, throws my hips out,

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it throws my spine out.

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So it means basically I have physio once a week.

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What I'm trying to say is, if you've got one leg,

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you'll end up with a bad back. That's just the way of the world.

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One leg, bad back. That's why pirates used to go, "Arr!"

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LAUGHTER

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Honestly, two-legged pirates spoke normally.

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"I say, Nigel, shall we go looting today?" "What a fabulous idea."

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"Oh, look, here comes one-legged Barry." "Arr, me back, Jesus!

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"If only there was some exercise I could do,

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"some Pilates of the Caribbean."

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LAUGHTER

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WHISTLING So... Thank you!

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So, now, my physio's name is Josh.

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Not Josh Widdicombe, that would be a weird physio.

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AS JOSH WIDDICOMBE: "I'm in Pret A Manger!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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No, I have an Australian physio. His name is Josh. And Josh is gay.

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Now, Josh and his husband have got three girls

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the same age as my girls. So we talk.

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We have discussions about parenting and about all sorts of stuff.

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After a while I felt comfortable enough that I could say to Josh,

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"OK, I've got to ask you a question, please don't think this is offensive

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"but who's in charge?" He said, "What do you mean?"

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I said, "Well, when it's two dads, who's in charge?"

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He said, "Neither of us is in charge."

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I said, "Who looks after the kids the majority of the time?"

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He said, "Neither, we split it 50-50." I went, "Yeah, but who has final say?"

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He said, "Neither of us have final say."

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I said, "How do you settle arguments over what's right for the kids?"

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He said, "Simple. My husband and I disagree on what's right for the children, here's what we do.

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"We both sit down over the dinner table, he puts forward his opinion, I put forward my opinion,

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"we have a rational discussion, we come to a mutually agreed solution,

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"and that's how we move forward."

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That is not natural!

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I'm sorry, I don't know if you know... Have you got kids?

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You know how it works then, ma'am. You put forward your opinion,

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he puts forward his opinion, and then you discount his opinion

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COS HE DIDN'T SQUEEZE A CHILD OUT OF HIS VAGINA!

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Unless, I mean, sorry, it is the most amazing thing I've ever seen my wife do

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and she has done some amazing shit

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but I'm allowed to have an opinion occasionally, aren't I?

0:15:290:15:33

No? Well, why doesn't anyone tell you that?!

0:15:330:15:35

Cos I read all the books - I read Baby Love,

0:15:350:15:37

I read The Baby Whisperer, I read The Shawshank Baby...

0:15:370:15:40

Don't put a poster on their wall, you'll never see them.

0:15:420:15:44

I read all the books.

0:15:440:15:46

Not one of them said, "Just shut up, mate. Just shut up."

0:15:460:15:48

So I would try and give opinions.

0:15:480:15:50

I'd walk in and look at my wife and go, "Do you know what I think we should do for the girls?"

0:15:500:15:53

And she'd look at me like, "Oh, you're going to finish that sentence, are you?"

0:15:530:15:58

And then I'd falter, my voice would go...

0:15:580:16:00

HIGH-PITCHED: "I just thought, um, maybe the right thing to do..."

0:16:000:16:02

Then she'd stare me down and I'd go, "No, you're right, honey.

0:16:020:16:05

"Rub cocaine on their gums, that'll put them to sleep, I don't know what I was thinking."

0:16:050:16:08

Oh, my God. I was not ready to not be in charge of something.

0:16:080:16:12

Here's the worst thing, though -

0:16:120:16:13

I said all this to my physio while he's working on me.

0:16:130:16:16

And he paused and he said, "Do you know what I think you should do?"

0:16:160:16:18

I said, "What?" He said, "You should do with your wife what I do with my husband."

0:16:180:16:21

I'm not entirely sure she'd be up for that, Josh.

0:16:260:16:28

He said, "No, no, here's what I do with my husband -

0:16:320:16:34

"I keep a list of all the things he says we should do for the girls,

0:16:340:16:37

"and then he does the opposite. I write them down in a list.

0:16:370:16:39

"I call it Stephen's Double Standard List.

0:16:390:16:42

"And every Sunday night, I read them out to him over the dinner table.

0:16:420:16:47

"You should do that with your wife."

0:16:470:16:49

Are you kidding me?!

0:16:520:16:54

Oskar Schindler wouldn't make that list!

0:16:540:16:56

And look, I love my wife, she's absolutely amazing.

0:17:010:17:03

This isn't a hate moment. She's brilliant, she's absolutely amazing.

0:17:030:17:06

But she came and saw me talk about this one night and she said,

0:17:060:17:09

"Why are you saying all that on stage?"

0:17:090:17:10

And my honest response was, "Cos I need to tell someone."

0:17:100:17:14

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

0:17:170:17:18

are you ready for your first act of the show?

0:17:180:17:21

It's such an amazing show.

0:17:210:17:22

APPLAUSE

0:17:220:17:23

I'm so excited to see this first act on stage.

0:17:230:17:26

I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival this year

0:17:260:17:28

and I heard that this woman was the person to go see in Montreal,

0:17:280:17:31

but my show was on at the same time as her.

0:17:310:17:33

Then I had one night at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,

0:17:330:17:35

I tried to buy a ticket to her show and it was genuinely sold out.

0:17:350:17:38

This is my first chance I've ever got to see her, as well.

0:17:380:17:41

Would you please welcome to the stage,

0:17:410:17:42

all the way from the United States of America, Michelle Wolf!

0:17:420:17:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:460:17:49

Never had an entrance make me feel like a magician before.

0:17:580:18:03

I'm very excited to be here in London!

0:18:030:18:06

This is exciting for me.

0:18:060:18:08

I was kind of embarrassed about what was happening back home in America,

0:18:080:18:12

and then I saw what was happening here and I was like, "Hey,

0:18:120:18:15

"you guys are falling apart, too."

0:18:150:18:17

I really... I truly feel bad for Hillary Clinton,

0:18:190:18:22

because no-one likes her.

0:18:220:18:24

Like, I voted for her but I don't LIKE her.

0:18:240:18:28

Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party,

0:18:280:18:31

I'd be like, "I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom."

0:18:310:18:34

And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I'd be like,

0:18:340:18:37

"I'm sorry, I have to use the men's room.

0:18:370:18:40

"I just made a life choice."

0:18:400:18:42

But you shouldn't like Hillary.

0:18:440:18:46

She's a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful.

0:18:460:18:49

We're never going to have a nice lady run for president.

0:18:490:18:52

You guys had Margaret Thatcher. You didn't call her The Nice Lady.

0:18:520:18:56

You called her The Iron Lady.

0:18:560:18:59

I don't think that's a word you use to describe someone

0:18:590:19:03

that's fun to hang out with.

0:19:030:19:04

We're never going to have a nice lady,

0:19:040:19:06

we're never going to have a woman that's like, "Um, I'd like to be President..."

0:19:060:19:11

"I was a sociology major...

0:19:110:19:14

"and I was in a sorority, and I love brunch."

0:19:140:19:18

"You can check out my policies on my Pinterest page."

0:19:200:19:23

Hillary is a woman who has never been to brunch.

0:19:250:19:28

She's like a hard-boiled egg in the morning and then nothing the rest of the day.

0:19:280:19:32

She gets hungry in the afternoon

0:19:330:19:35

and then she slaps a man and goes, "Full now!"

0:19:350:19:37

People say you can't make fun of what she wears because she's a woman.

0:19:390:19:43

I think you can, because it's fun to do.

0:19:430:19:45

Why are her jackets so big?

0:19:470:19:50

If any male candidate dressed like her, we'd be like,

0:19:500:19:52

"Why are you dressing like Kim Jong-Un?"

0:19:520:19:54

Be a shape! Why are your jackets so big?

0:19:580:20:01

What are you hiding under there?

0:20:010:20:03

Is that where all of your e-mails are?

0:20:030:20:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:080:20:11

The one thing that really bothers me is that everyone complains that

0:20:130:20:17

Hillary has a really shrill voice.

0:20:170:20:20

They're like, "I can't listen to her, she has such a shrill voice."

0:20:200:20:23

And well, sometimes that's just what happens to your voice!

0:20:230:20:28

Sometimes you're a person with a shrill voice

0:20:280:20:32

and there's nothing you can do about it.

0:20:320:20:35

Because we don't get to choose our voice!

0:20:350:20:38

You're never like, "Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside."

0:20:380:20:43

Or "I'd love a voice so shrill

0:20:430:20:45

"that if I suck the helium out of a balloon it wouldn't change my voice at all."

0:20:450:20:50

That might be a 100% real thing that happened to me.

0:20:520:20:57

And I get it! You don't want a president that every day

0:20:570:20:59

is talking to you like...

0:20:590:21:01

-SHRILL:

-"The economy, Isis, chocolate, ecch!"

0:21:010:21:05

Just like I know you don't want to wake up next to this voice.

0:21:050:21:09

You don't want me going, "Hey, good morning!"

0:21:090:21:12

"Oh, you lost your boner?"

0:21:120:21:14

This is a real wind-out-of-the-sails kind of voice,

0:21:180:21:20

this isn't a phone sex voice.

0:21:200:21:23

No-one's calling in to hear, "Where do you want to put your penis?"

0:21:230:21:27

And if you are, you should be arrested.

0:21:270:21:30

And I am a feminist.

0:21:330:21:35

I mean, I'm not like a buy-my-own-drinks kind of feminist...

0:21:350:21:38

We all have our lines, mine is at the bar.

0:21:410:21:45

It's like, I want equal pay! And a Chardonnay.

0:21:450:21:48

Well, then, just the Chardonnay.

0:21:500:21:52

We'll deal with the rest tomorrow.

0:21:530:21:55

I just think there's too many types of feminism happening right now.

0:21:570:22:00

You know? There's the type that's like,

0:22:000:22:02

"We want to be in charge of staff and we want to get paid the same."

0:22:020:22:05

And there's the type that's like,

0:22:050:22:07

"We want to free the nipple on Instagram."

0:22:070:22:09

It's like, hey! Can we focus?

0:22:110:22:14

I know she's more fun, but can we focus?

0:22:140:22:18

It's like if during the War of American Independence,

0:22:180:22:20

some soldiers were like, "We want to be independent!"

0:22:200:22:23

And then other soldiers were like,

0:22:230:22:24

"We want to free the nipple on Instagram."

0:22:240:22:29

Yeah, maybe England should stay in charge of you.

0:22:290:22:32

Sounds very irresponsible.

0:22:320:22:35

Also, I think if we focus our attention and our power,

0:22:350:22:38

we'll get more accomplished.

0:22:380:22:40

So personally, I think we should go after equal pay,

0:22:400:22:43

but if I get overruled I'll fight nipple.

0:22:430:22:45

You know, at the end of the day I'm a team player.

0:22:470:22:49

It's just kind of hard for me to even imagine that was a woman's idea.

0:22:510:22:55

Sounds like a man infiltrated a meeting...

0:22:570:23:00

-LOW-PITCHED:

-.."We're going to get these nipples on Instagram!

0:23:020:23:04

"Did you hear we can't? It's not fair.

0:23:050:23:09

"For the women.

0:23:090:23:12

"You know me, my main concern is the women.

0:23:120:23:15

"That's why I call them 'the women'."

0:23:160:23:18

It's hard, though. It's hard to be a woman, you know?

0:23:220:23:25

A lot of women right now are posting naked or almost-naked pictures online

0:23:250:23:30

to show how confident we are.

0:23:300:23:32

And in all the comments, other women will be like, "You are so brave."

0:23:330:23:37

I really just think that means, "Not a model."

0:23:370:23:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:410:23:43

Although, it's not brave! There's no soldier looking down at that picture

0:23:460:23:50

being like, "Oh, what a brave lady."

0:23:500:23:53

You know?

0:23:530:23:54

A man posts a naked picture, he just loses custody of his kids.

0:23:540:23:57

And if showing your weird body's brave,

0:23:570:24:00

then the guy that masturbated in front of me on the subway is very brave.

0:24:000:24:04

Cos he had a real weird body.

0:24:040:24:07

And he was making weird faces.

0:24:070:24:09

He might be the bravest man I know.

0:24:090:24:11

But that's the thing, we're supposed to care so much about our bodies as women, you know?

0:24:140:24:18

And there's even campaigns that we should love our bodies

0:24:180:24:20

and be confident in our bodies.

0:24:200:24:22

Or we could just stop caring about it.

0:24:220:24:25

Cos you know who doesn't care about their bodies?

0:24:250:24:27

Men.

0:24:270:24:29

You know what men are?

0:24:290:24:30

Successful.

0:24:300:24:32

Men are presidents, men are CEOs.

0:24:320:24:35

You never heard a CEO go, "I want to get profits up and keep costs down -

0:24:350:24:39

"and love me for me."

0:24:390:24:40

"3pm, we're going to have a meeting about how I can accept the fact that I have my mother's thighs."

0:24:430:24:49

You know who should care about their bodies?

0:24:490:24:51

Men! You have weird bodies, men.

0:24:510:24:53

You're gross.

0:24:530:24:54

Your balls are gross.

0:24:560:24:58

I've never seen a guy and been like, "Oh, I can't wait to get his pants off

0:25:000:25:03

"and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs."

0:25:030:25:07

What is it?!

0:25:070:25:09

It's like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar,

0:25:090:25:12

you're like, "Please be grapes."

0:25:120:25:14

Balls seem like a real God whoopsie.

0:25:160:25:18

It's like when you're putting up furniture and you've got a couple of leftover screws,

0:25:180:25:22

you're like, "Well, those were supposed to go somewhere.

0:25:220:25:25

"I guess I'll hang them from a satchel."

0:25:250:25:27

Even the name sounds like a mistake.

0:25:300:25:31

"What are you going to call them?" "Scrotum!" "OK."

0:25:310:25:36

This is how you know God didn't care about balls at all.

0:25:360:25:38

Everything else important, he covered in bone.

0:25:380:25:40

Balls, he was like, "Let 'em fly!"

0:25:400:25:42

You are so lucky we get our faces near them.

0:25:450:25:48

If a woman puts your balls in her mouth,

0:25:500:25:52

you should pay her a lot of money.

0:25:520:25:54

And not in like a prostitute way,

0:25:550:25:58

like a, "I don't know how else to say thank you!

0:25:580:26:01

"This is a very nice thing you just did to me.

0:26:010:26:04

"And you didn't get any pleasure out of it."

0:26:040:26:07

There's not a single woman that's like, "That's what does it for me."

0:26:070:26:12

You are more of a saint than Mother Teresa for that.

0:26:120:26:15

There's no way SHE ever did it.

0:26:150:26:17

I get one wrinkle, my career is over.

0:26:190:26:22

I have to put paint on my face just to leave my home.

0:26:220:26:26

And you guys get to walk around with those wrinkly, dangly bags of crap.

0:26:260:26:30

You should have to put make-up on them!

0:26:310:26:34

Or at the very least, googly eyes.

0:26:340:26:36

I don't know if that would be better or worse, but it would be fun.

0:26:390:26:42

He's happy, he's sad. He lost his boner.

0:26:420:26:44

And I don't know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy -

0:26:440:26:49

your balls are saggy.

0:26:490:26:51

YOU should wear a bra.

0:26:510:26:53

And you make it fancy.

0:26:550:26:57

CHEERING

0:26:570:26:59

All those women clapping, they meant yours.

0:27:040:27:08

I don't have a baby,

0:27:110:27:12

which is actually very impressive if you know me at all.

0:27:120:27:16

You get it.

0:27:200:27:21

I do think it's weird you can just have a baby.

0:27:220:27:25

You don't have to take a test or anything.

0:27:250:27:27

I think you should have to take a test and I think the test should be,

0:27:270:27:30

"Let me see your iPhone screen.

0:27:300:27:32

"Oh, it's cracked? Then no."

0:27:320:27:35

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:350:27:38

You can't carry a phone, you can't carry a baby.

0:27:430:27:47

Like, having a baby is arguably the coolest thing your body can do.

0:27:470:27:52

I have a friend who has one arm

0:27:520:27:55

and then she just had a baby that had two arms.

0:27:550:28:00

You can make shit you don't even have!

0:28:000:28:02

You can grow a penis inside a vagina.

0:28:040:28:07

Like the world's most terrifying greenhouse.

0:28:080:28:12

It's the coolest thing your body can do!

0:28:120:28:15

Me not wanting to have a baby is like a bird being like, "I'll walk."

0:28:150:28:18

But you're built to fly! "I know, going to walk."

0:28:200:28:24

And believe me, these wings work, we've had to cancel a couple of flights.

0:28:240:28:29

Yeah, it is an abortion joke.

0:28:290:28:31

And then I think women, we have weird priorities, you know?

0:28:340:28:37

We care so much about our wedding.

0:28:370:28:39

We'll even say things, "I want to be a princess on my wedding day.

0:28:390:28:43

"I'm going to be a princess.

0:28:430:28:45

"I'm a grown adult woman who'd like to be a princess."

0:28:450:28:48

All right, you want to be a princess?

0:28:500:28:51

Then I'm going to make you marry a man you've never met

0:28:510:28:54

in order to secure a French alliance. And guess what, Princess?

0:28:540:28:58

He's not going to love you.

0:28:580:29:00

Your parents wished you were a boy.

0:29:000:29:02

Happy wedding day, Princess.

0:29:030:29:05

And we'll say things like, "It's my day. It's my special day."

0:29:060:29:11

I don't really think you call it YOUR day if your dad's paying for it.

0:29:110:29:14

I think it's his day - and I think it's a really weird day for him.

0:29:160:29:19

I think he's paying a ton of money

0:29:210:29:23

to make sure a man has sex with you that night.

0:29:230:29:27

I think he's literally walking you down the aisle,

0:29:270:29:29

going, "Here, you fuck her."

0:29:290:29:31

And married couples, you don't even sell it very well, you know?

0:29:380:29:41

I hear a lot of married couples complain.

0:29:410:29:44

I think you hear more men complain about it than women, but men,

0:29:440:29:46

you've got weird complaints about marriage.

0:29:460:29:49

You'll say things like, "She won't let me keep my shirts."

0:29:490:29:52

And it's like, well, just hold them up here!

0:29:520:29:54

You're taller than her.

0:29:540:29:57

And if you're not taller than her, you're not complaining about anything,

0:29:570:30:01

you're just happy to be there.

0:30:010:30:02

We should date shorter guys more often!

0:30:020:30:06

They're really nice. The only problem is a lot of times

0:30:060:30:09

when you go for walks, you're going to have to be like,

0:30:090:30:11

"All right, speed up, little buddy. Go, go, little guy!"

0:30:110:30:15

I'll tell you a tiny secret.

0:30:150:30:18

The real reason I want Hillary Clinton to be president

0:30:180:30:21

is because I want Bill Clinton to be the First Gentleman.

0:30:210:30:24

Mostly because the spouse of the President is the one who sometimes

0:30:260:30:29

gives tours of the White House

0:30:290:30:32

and I'd love to see Bill be like, "These are our drapes...

0:30:320:30:36

"As you can see, they're navy.

0:30:380:30:40

"But if you shine a black light on them, boy, do they glow."

0:30:410:30:45

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:30:450:30:49

"Oh, man. If these walls could talk,

0:30:510:30:54

"that means they'd have mouths and I'd put my penis in 'em."

0:30:540:30:57

Every time he bit his lip from behind a podium,

0:31:010:31:03

I thought he was trying to get rid of a boner.

0:31:030:31:06

You know, like...

0:31:060:31:08

"Hillary, Hillary, Hillary."

0:31:080:31:10

Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Michelle Wolf!

0:31:120:31:14

APPLAUSE

0:31:140:31:17

Ladies and gentlemen, how good was Michelle Wolf?!

0:31:240:31:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:270:31:29

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of the night?

0:31:300:31:34

He's one of Britain's best up and coming comedians,

0:31:340:31:37

he's the award-winning Jamali Maddix!

0:31:370:31:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:410:31:43

What's up?

0:31:480:31:49

Yes! All right, yes.

0:31:500:31:52

Yes, yes, yes. Shit's about to get real, son.

0:31:520:31:55

All right, OK...

0:31:550:31:56

How's everyone doing?

0:31:560:31:58

CHEERING

0:31:580:31:59

I'm happy to be here, man. This is cool, man. This is fancy!

0:31:590:32:02

This is fancy. It's so fancy I even ironed my T-shirt.

0:32:020:32:05

That's how you know it's fancy. I'm telling you, man.

0:32:050:32:07

I'm trying to be more fancy now, that's my thing,

0:32:070:32:09

I'm trying to be more fancy.

0:32:090:32:11

So I started wearing glasses,

0:32:110:32:12

I'm like, "Boom - face fancy now cos I started wearing glasses."

0:32:120:32:15

And my mum actually said to me that with these glasses and beard

0:32:150:32:18

combination, that I look like a guy in prison who reads.

0:32:180:32:23

Yeah? "I'm just trying to do my time, bro.

0:32:230:32:27

"Waiting for that parole meeting."

0:32:270:32:29

What are we going to talk about? Let's keep it light-hearted.

0:32:290:32:32

Let's talk about race relations.

0:32:320:32:36

Look, I know... I can see you're uncomfortable.

0:32:360:32:38

I don't want to talk about it either but I have to. OK? I have to.

0:32:380:32:42

OK? Cos race is awkward, OK?

0:32:420:32:44

I know it. Race makes me awkward, too.

0:32:440:32:46

You know? Cos, look, man, look, I ain't proud of this, OK?

0:32:460:32:49

But what's racism if I can't say it for the room full of white people?

0:32:490:32:53

Check it out, right? So... I'm doing this gig the other day, right?

0:32:530:32:56

It's an all-white audience and I start doing a routine

0:32:560:33:00

about how people think I look like a terrorist, right?

0:33:000:33:03

Cos, you know, I have a beard, people are pricks,

0:33:030:33:05

so I'm doing the routine, right?

0:33:050:33:07

And people start getting upset at me, right?

0:33:070:33:09

So I carry on, cos I'm no quitter, right?

0:33:090:33:11

So I just carry on doing the routine and one woman stands up and says,

0:33:110:33:15

"Just get over it!"

0:33:150:33:16

And I go, "What the hell?"

0:33:160:33:18

Yeah? I get pissed off, you know.

0:33:180:33:20

I start talking about white privilege

0:33:200:33:23

and how she don't understand

0:33:230:33:24

what it's like for people to think that you're a terrorist.

0:33:240:33:28

Then halfway through the rant I realised I was in Northern Ireland.

0:33:280:33:32

Yeah, I messed up. Know what I'm saying, man?

0:33:350:33:37

I forgot there was different types of white people...

0:33:370:33:40

Should've saved my race card for later, you know what I'm saying?

0:33:420:33:45

I forgot about that rare white man struggle.

0:33:450:33:47

What's happening recently?

0:33:470:33:50

I've been thinking a lot. I had this big realisation the other day,

0:33:500:33:53

I realised that I'm a bit of an arsehole.

0:33:530:33:55

Yeah, I know, I see you looking there - not you, I love you.

0:33:550:33:58

Don't love me, sir. I'm going to let you down, I'm a bad boy.

0:33:580:34:01

All right? I'm an arsehole.

0:34:010:34:02

And I think about why I'm an arsehole, as well.

0:34:020:34:04

I don't want to be an arsehole, you know?

0:34:040:34:06

I think one of the reasons I'm an arsehole is because I'm British.

0:34:060:34:10

Right? I'm telling you, I am British. Relax.

0:34:100:34:12

No, I'm British, right?

0:34:120:34:13

Cos being British makes you an arsehole, man.

0:34:130:34:15

The reason being British makes you an arsehole is because

0:34:150:34:18

it makes you arrogant. And the reason it makes us arrogant,

0:34:180:34:21

cos at one time we had the biggest empire.

0:34:210:34:25

Am I right, sir? Yeah, you're nodding, going "Yes, we did."

0:34:250:34:28

But guess what, sir? "Did"!

0:34:280:34:30

Mm, cos that shit is over, man, all right?

0:34:300:34:33

England is going down the pan.

0:34:330:34:35

Think about it - the NHS, zero contract hours, the EU Referendum.

0:34:350:34:40

England's going so bad, Scotland tried to leave the party.

0:34:400:34:44

That's how you know England is done.

0:34:440:34:47

And we don't want it to be done.

0:34:470:34:49

We want to hold on to that shit, you know?

0:34:490:34:50

We want to hold on to it so much we still have a queen.

0:34:500:34:55

Just to remind us of stuff we did.

0:34:550:34:58

Us having a queen and knowing how bad we are right now is sort of like

0:34:580:35:02

a businessman who became a homeless man, but still wears a suit.

0:35:020:35:09

Right? "I'm just waiting for that phone call." It's not coming, cos we're done, you know.

0:35:090:35:13

But we don't think we can be done.

0:35:130:35:15

Why? Cos at one time we had the biggest empire.

0:35:150:35:17

But guess what? So did Greece!

0:35:170:35:19

Yeah. Now they're giving handjobs for potatoes,

0:35:210:35:24

that's what I'm saying. You'd better call Zeus.

0:35:240:35:26

Don't know how you feel about it, bro.

0:35:260:35:29

Arsehole, man. I think about it,

0:35:290:35:31

do you know who else I blame for being an arsehole?

0:35:310:35:33

My family. My family are crazy, man.

0:35:330:35:36

There's one guy I like in my family, though.

0:35:360:35:38

One guy I love to bits, it's my grandad.

0:35:380:35:40

He's a cool guy. He's as old as shit, nearly dead, he's like 70, right?

0:35:400:35:43

Old. Old, man. I love him.

0:35:430:35:45

Cos he was like a train driver for 50 years, right?

0:35:450:35:48

Never took a day off, we don't do that, right?

0:35:480:35:50

Still wears a union badge.

0:35:500:35:52

Like, "I'm not going to go on strike, Jamali."

0:35:520:35:55

Strike on what? The gardening? Go shut up, right? I swear to God,

0:35:550:35:58

he was such a socialist that he still wakes up in the middle of the night

0:35:580:36:02

angry at Margaret Thatcher. That's how deep it is.

0:36:020:36:05

"She stole the milk, Jamali! She stole the milk."

0:36:050:36:09

It's weird how your family can influence your ideas and your decisions.

0:36:090:36:13

It's weird, right? Cos looking at my grandad, right?

0:36:130:36:15

It kind of made me happy politically that we left the EU.

0:36:150:36:19

Right? Now, relax, you hippies. OK? I voted Remain.

0:36:190:36:22

I want to put it out there before you lynch me, right?

0:36:220:36:24

I voted Remain! I did, right?

0:36:240:36:26

But there's only one reason I'm happy we left the EU, right?

0:36:260:36:29

Cos I've been saying this thing for a long time, right?

0:36:290:36:31

And everyone thought I was an arsehole for saying it,

0:36:310:36:34

but now that we've left I think we can all agree one thing, right?

0:36:340:36:37

I think we can all agree that we need to stop old people voting...

0:36:370:36:43

And now listen!

0:36:430:36:44

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:440:36:45

Listen! No!

0:36:450:36:47

And when I say old people, I do not mean the crazy age,

0:36:500:36:53

I think the voting age should be 17 to 50... 51 if you're not a prick.

0:36:530:36:58

I think that's a good age to have. I can see some old school...

0:36:580:37:01

Look at old school right there. He's hating it right now. He's like,

0:37:010:37:04

"I want to vote." Listen, are you looking for a mortgage? No!

0:37:040:37:09

So why are still voting? I don't understand!

0:37:090:37:12

Why should you decide if we do poppers?

0:37:160:37:18

When's the last time you had a party?

0:37:180:37:20

You know, I don't hate old people.

0:37:200:37:22

I love old people, like I love my grandad.

0:37:220:37:25

He shouldn't vote!

0:37:250:37:26

He spends his days in his shed avoiding my grandma,

0:37:260:37:31

having arguments with himself that he wins, right,

0:37:310:37:34

and he should get the right to tick the box? No.

0:37:340:37:37

The real problem with old people voting is this, like, look,

0:37:370:37:40

they're going to die before they see the things they vote in.

0:37:400:37:44

They're not going to see what happens, you know?

0:37:440:37:46

The only pleasure an old person gets voting is like a suicide bomber, no?

0:37:460:37:52

They don't get to see the destruction,

0:37:520:37:54

but just before they do it, they go, "I bet they're going to be pissed,"

0:37:540:37:58

and vote for some shit we don't want.

0:37:580:38:01

Listen, I can see you, listen, man,

0:38:010:38:03

I'm going to be honest with you, my name is Jamali and I have a huge beard.

0:38:030:38:06

If you didn't expect suicide bomber jokes, shame on you, all right?

0:38:060:38:09

Not my fault that you're shocked.

0:38:090:38:12

It's weird, because, look,

0:38:130:38:15

I'll stand here and say he shouldn't vote.

0:38:150:38:16

I don't know, OK, I really don't know a lot about politics, right?

0:38:160:38:20

That's my problem, I'm smart enough to know that the government,

0:38:200:38:22

the banks, are messing us over. I'm just not smart enough to know how.

0:38:220:38:26

So I'm going, "Must be the Illuminati."

0:38:260:38:30

The Freemasons, Goddammit, the Bilderbergs.

0:38:300:38:33

I love conspiracy theories.

0:38:330:38:34

You like conspiracy theories, playboy? You love 'em, don't you?

0:38:340:38:37

I love conspiracy theories too, ma'am. I'm telling you.

0:38:370:38:40

I go to conspiracy theory conventions.

0:38:400:38:42

I say conventions, you know, it's just me and my friends

0:38:420:38:45

trying to figure out who shot Tupac, like that's...

0:38:450:38:47

"Who shot Tupac, man? Get the truth out."

0:38:480:38:51

I'm telling you, though, man.

0:38:540:38:56

But I think race is, like, a weird thing,

0:38:560:38:57

because I think it really does get misconstrued.

0:38:570:39:00

I think, you know what, I don't know if you don't know this,

0:39:000:39:02

but people talk a lot of crap about white people.

0:39:020:39:04

They do. People are like, because, um,

0:39:040:39:07

"You might be a bit upset by this,

0:39:070:39:09

"We had a meeting, um, obviously you wasn't invited."

0:39:090:39:13

I love when we say we had a meeting, the liberal white people go,

0:39:150:39:17

"Oh, we should send them a quiche, how nice!"

0:39:170:39:20

We had a meeting and people were saying some stuff about white people.

0:39:200:39:23

I defend white people. I said, "Don't you talk about my white people like that. Don't you do it."

0:39:230:39:27

Someone stood up in the meeting and said, "White people are more racist than any other race."

0:39:270:39:32

I said, "You shut your mouth, sir. That's not true."

0:39:320:39:36

White people ain't more racist than any other race.

0:39:360:39:39

It's just the white people that ARE racist are just the best, you know?

0:39:390:39:45

When white people get racist, they go for it, man.

0:39:450:39:48

You know, they start a political party, they go on a march,

0:39:480:39:51

they join the police force, like, they just get the job done.

0:39:510:39:56

APPLAUSE

0:39:560:39:58

I realise this stuff, man.

0:40:000:40:02

I think a lot now, because I'm getting old.

0:40:020:40:04

I'm old school, an old boy now, you know, I just turned 25, right, listen.

0:40:040:40:08

This is the oldest I've been, deal with it,

0:40:080:40:10

I can't just go in some time machine and relate to you, I'm sorry.

0:40:100:40:13

But I like getting older. Don't we like getting older, old school?

0:40:130:40:16

We love it, don't we? We love getting older,

0:40:160:40:18

because as you get older, you start to accept stuff about yourself.

0:40:180:40:21

You do - you have to, you know.

0:40:210:40:22

Like it took me 25 years to realise that THIS is my face.

0:40:220:40:29

This isn't getting any better, man,

0:40:290:40:31

because when I was younger I always wanted to be better looking, you know?

0:40:310:40:34

I didn't need to be crazy good looking,

0:40:340:40:36

I just wanted to be good-looking enough to cheat, right?

0:40:360:40:41

No, hear me out, I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.

0:40:410:40:44

I love my girlfriend!

0:40:440:40:47

Sometimes. OK?

0:40:470:40:48

But I need something to say in the argument that sounds believable,

0:40:480:40:51

once in awhile. Now look, I have Tinder,

0:40:510:40:54

and my girlfriend knows I have Tinder and doesn't even care.

0:40:540:40:58

She doesn't care. She's like, "Good luck."

0:40:580:41:01

You know? She doesn't respect my facial abilities.

0:41:010:41:05

And Tinder is disgusting but amazing at the same time.

0:41:060:41:09

I love it, I hate it, I don't know.

0:41:090:41:11

I don't know, because Tinder is great.

0:41:120:41:15

What I love about Tinder is it will make you realise some social stuff

0:41:150:41:18

about people, you know? Like I was on Tinder the other day, right,

0:41:180:41:20

and I'm flicking through the profiles, cos I'm a scumbag.

0:41:200:41:23

I'm going through the profiles and I see this one profile, right,

0:41:230:41:27

and every picture was just a lady with her titties out, right?

0:41:270:41:31

Just, "Pop!"

0:41:310:41:32

That's what titties sounds like in my head cos I'm 12, deal with it,

0:41:320:41:35

yeah? She has her titties out. Pop! And in the description

0:41:350:41:39

it just said, "Any dick, any time",

0:41:390:41:42

and I was like, "Wow, all right, you know your market, I like it, right?"

0:41:420:41:47

Showed my girlfriend the profile.

0:41:470:41:49

My girlfriend looks at the profile

0:41:490:41:52

and goes, "Oh, my God. What a whore."

0:41:520:41:54

I said, "What, babe? No.

0:41:540:41:57

"There's too much slut shaming in this world. She is no ho.

0:41:570:42:00

"She is a revolutionary."

0:42:000:42:03

Confusing, right?

0:42:030:42:05

I'm going to explain to you why.

0:42:050:42:06

You got to understand, everything in this world has a price.

0:42:060:42:09

Everyone and everything has a price.

0:42:090:42:10

And in this world, where everything has a price,

0:42:100:42:14

the price of vagina is very high, OK?

0:42:140:42:18

Listen, if it was on the stock market, it would beat oil and gold, right?

0:42:180:42:21

But, listen, I ain't giving women no number.

0:42:210:42:24

Men, we have a number as well.

0:42:240:42:26

But we've got dick, and dick ain't worth shit,

0:42:260:42:28

you know what I'm saying?

0:42:280:42:30

You can't have dick, you've got to back that up with some collateral, you know?

0:42:300:42:34

You've got to have a dick and a personality, dick and a job,

0:42:340:42:37

dick and a life plan, right?

0:42:370:42:39

Listen, I could have a warehouse full of penis

0:42:390:42:42

and it wouldn't be worth as much as a picture of a pussy, right?

0:42:420:42:45

So when she said, "Any dick, any time,"

0:42:470:42:50

she just crashed the whole pussy economy, is what I'm saying.

0:42:500:42:54

She made a credit crunch of vagina.

0:42:540:42:56

She gave vagina back to the working-class man.

0:42:560:42:59

She's the Karl Marx of pussy, is what I'm trying to say, guys.

0:43:010:43:04

APPLAUSE

0:43:040:43:06

Anyway, my name's been Jamali and this has been one of my favourite

0:43:080:43:12

times in my life. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

0:43:120:43:14

Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix!

0:43:210:43:23

CHEERING

0:43:230:43:25

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have tonight for you.

0:43:250:43:28

Would you please thank Michelle Wolf and Jamali Maddix?!

0:43:280:43:32

My name's Adam Hills. Thank you and goodnight.

0:43:320:43:35

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