Episode 4 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Adam Hills!

APPLAUSE

Hello, Apollo!

For those of you who don't know, my hair...

OK, I lost a bet...

CHEERING ..with the British Paralympic team.

I bet them they wouldn't win more medals than the Australian

Paralympic team. They did.

I now have a Union Jack on my head. CHEERING

I said if they won the bet I'd paint a Union Jack on my head.

They won the bet, so...

CHEERING

I know. I look like Nigel Farage's wet dream.

It's appalling. People have asked me how long I'm going to keep it

and the answer is until I have to do a show in Belfast.

LAUGHTER

And yeah, you love beating Australia at shit, don't you?

CHEERING You love beating Australians.

I remember... I first found that out when you beat us

in the Rugby World Cup.

And I was in a place called Newcastle upon Tyne and it came time

to sing the national anthem and there were only ten Aussies in this pub.

And we all got up and sang our anthem,

which I'm sure you're aware is, "I come from a land down under."

LAUGHTER

And then the English got up and sang your anthem

and then you didn't just stop at the anthem.

You started singing offensive chants at us

that would have been racist if they weren't so musical.

It started with...

# We get three dollars to the pound! #

LAUGHTER When you're heckling the exchange

rate, that's inventive, right?

And finished with...

# Get your shit stars Get your shit stars

# Get your shit stars off our flag. #

LAUGHTER

Even your sign language is racist.

I'm not sure if you know, I do shows with sign interpreters

and I've learnt a little bit of sign language

and the signs that you use for different countries... OK,

this is the sign for England.

Now, it's lovely, it's the letter E.

There is another sign for England, by the way, which I love,

which is this.

LAUGHTER And it's this because it's

the strap on a bobby's helmet.

Which is lovely but confusing cos this is England,

this is lesbian.

LAUGHTER

England, lesbian. England, lesbian.

I mean, you don't want to get those two confused.

You don't want to go out to a club, pick up two girls, take them home, find out they're both English!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here's where it starts getting slightly offensive.

The sign for Ireland, the English sign language for Ireland,

British Sign Language, is this.

LAUGHTER And if you ask a British person,

they'll say, "Oh, it's the shamrock, it's a shamrock in my pocket, sticking out like that."

No, it's not. It's English

people going, "Oh, God, there seem to be Irish people on me."

LAUGHTER

But the worst is Australian.

This is the British Sign Language sign

that you lot use for my country.

It's not that.

LAUGHTER

No, I've taken the top off!

Well, that's how I got two kids.

This is the British Sign Language sign for Australia.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is you lot saying,

"Well, we've picked the dirty scum up and we've put them over there."

And the thing is we do kind of bond, Australians and Brits,

and I think it's because we come from the same stock.

Even the Australian accent, as far as I can see,

is just the convict cockney accent slowed down because of the heat.

LAUGHTER 200 years ago convicts got off ships in Australia just going,

"Bloody hell, that was a long bloody journey, three bloody weeks, the other side of bloody planet, where

"are we now? I don't know - but it's a bit...hot."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, before I go any further, I do have to point out there is a bit of

weirdness going on at the bottom of my leg here.

For those of you who don't know, I have a prosthetic foot.

Which is no big deal, normally it doesn't stick out.

But last year I was fitted with one of those really cool blades.

I don't know if you can see that. One of those, like, running blades that they have.

AUDIENCE CHEERS Yeah, I was pretty excited by that. The only problem with having a blade

is, when you tell people you've got a blade, they go, "Oh, you mean like...?" And you go,

"Yeah, him. Yeah, that guy. Yeah." LAUGHTER

OK, we'll just move... See, that was the thing. I always hid my foot

when I was a kid. I always kept it hidden, because I didn't know anyone

cool that looked cool

with a cool prosthetic. And then I got the chance to get a blade

and I went, "Yeah, finally I'm going to look cool."

And then Oscar Pistorius fucked it up for all of us!

LAUGHTER

I mean, clearly I'm the least damaged of all the people

that he's come into contact with, but still!

Do you know what I mean? Finally I get a blade and then he...

Oh! Now I know how Charlie Chaplin felt when Hitler started using his

tiny moustache. LAUGHTER

Cos now what I thought was going to be cool is just an

object of ridicule. And now people just make jokes.

I go, "Oh, I've got a blade, and they go, "Oh, better lock the bathroom door!"

LAUGHTER

OK, of all... Jimmy Carr.

I saw Jimmy Carr a couple of weeks ago, and I said, "Oh, look at this,

"I've got a blade. And he said, "Oh!

"South African eBay, was it?"

LAUGHTER

Do you know what? I don't care what's happened. I think it looks cool.

I'm going to own it. It sticks out the bottom of my trousers,

but I don't care. I'm just going to happily let it stick out there

cos I think it looks cool.

Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah. You all say that but the old lady in Basingstoke that came up

to me recently after a show didn't think the same.

These were her exact words.

"I know you think it looks cool,

"but from the audience it just looks like one long testicle is hanging

"down the bottom of your trousers."

This guy here. I'm going to go for this guy here.

How old are you there, sir?

-I'm 50.

-50.

All right. I'm a few years behind you but I reckon we're probably at

the same point in our lives. Ah, which is,

we need to start living healthier but we haven't had the scare

that forces us to do it yet!

And what's your name, sir?

-Andy.

-Andy. Do you know what turns me off being healthy?

Talking to healthy people.

They are the dullest human beings in any room.

And well done, man clapping over there.

If you're healthy, shut up, no-one needs to hear about it.

CHEERING And the thing is, I know when you're

being healthy it makes you feel good and you want to tell everyone but no-one needs to hear it.

I've got friends that just go on for hours, "Oh, my God, Adam,

"all I do is eat kale and drink my own urine."

LAUGHTER

"I don't care." "But I've got so much more energy than you!"

"Yeah, cos you've just drained most of mine!"

"I'm going to live ten years longer than you, Adam."

"Yeah, but I'm going to die surrounded by friends."

And you don't need to do that much. All you need to do is... A friend of mine said to me recently, "Have you

"lost weight?" I went, "Yeah, I think I have." He said, "What have you done?" And before

I could answer, all he said was, "Don't tell me all you've done is just eat less and exercise more."

I went, "Yeah, I think I did." And he went, "Ah, shit, now I have to do that!"

Cos we all want to think there's this amazing diet out there that we

just haven't found that's going to cure all of us. All you need to do is just do some push-ups

and eat less shit.

But no-one makes money at that, so they invent things like the Paleo Diet.

Have you heard of a thing called the Paleo Diet?

Right, I'm going to explain it to you... Do you know what the Paleo Diet is, Andy?

Nor should you. I'm going to explain it to you the way I explained it to

my 98-year-old grandfather who eats nothing but sausages,

and no-one's declared that a superfood yet.

LAUGHTER

98 years old, my grandad said "What's the Paleo Diet, Adam?"

I said, "Well, Grandad, the Paleo Diet is this.

"You eat nothing but meat, fruit, vegetables and nuts."

And he went, "Ah.

"In my day, we used to call that eating."

LAUGHTER Cos it's bullshit.

It's just a made-up diet and they call it the Paleo Diet because it's

based on what Palaeolithic man used to eat.

Cos apparently he was skinny.

Of course he was skinny, he had to hunt his own food!

LAUGHTER You'd be skinny too if it took you

three days to track down a lasagne.

LAUGHTER

Now look, the truth is the only reason I've started being healthy is cos my wife

recently told me I needed to be a bit healthier.

She didn't use those words.

Her exact words were, "You've really let yourself go."

LAUGHTER Now I'm going to...

Have you ever had that, Andy? Do you have a partner?

You do. Is your partner here?

She's not, she's at home. Has she ever said you've let yourself go?

Yep. OK. Here's what I've learnt.

There's a right and a wrong way to respond to that.

And the words are exactly the same for the right way and the wrong way. It's just the inflection you use

that makes them right or wrong. I'll show you what I mean, everyone. OK. This is the right way to respond

when your partner says you've really let yourself go.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've really let myself go.

This is the wrong way to respond.

Yeah, I'VE really let MYSELF go?!

LAUGHTER You see?

Can you see the difference there? It's slow.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's tough times, tough times in our house at the moment...

..since I first started doing that joke.

I've got two kids, I've got two kids. And I was not ready for the

strain it puts on a relationship.

And part of it comes down to who's in charge.

Because I like to help out.

My wife's got her way of doing things and I've got my way of doing

things, and when those things are different, who's right and who's wrong and who has final say?

Now, I don't know who to talk to about this cos I grew

up in the '70s, when dads weren't hands-on but entertainers were.

So... LAUGHTER

Hey.

All I'm saying is it's good to see an Australian one-legged entertainer

with an extra one doing well in Britain.

Now.

And so it's this weird thing. So my wife and I -

and I know all parents do this -

we all clash over who's right and who's wrong.

And then every now and then, look, I see a single parent on the street

and just look at them struggling with three kids and think, "Oh, my God.

"Must be so much easier without someone telling you you're doing it wrong."

LAUGHTER Cos...

Are there any single parents here tonight?

Yes - down here. You are, ma'am?

Single parents are absolute heroes.

And I genuinely believe this. And...

I want to apologise for everything I ever thought about single parents.

Cos I used to look at single parents on the street yelling at their kids and I'd...

And I know this is wrong, I used to look at them and go, "Oh, my God.

"No wonder you're single." AUDIENCE MURMURS

I know this is wrong. "Oh, you're an arsehole."

But now I look at single parents on the street and go,

"Oh, my God. Children turn you into an arsehole!"

Cos I remember sitting in a cafe in the middle of England,

I was doing a show and it was the afternoon

and I was having a nice cup of tea.

And I remember watching this woman

and this is how much my views on the world have changed.

I remember watching this woman walking across the street and she

had three bags of shopping and her son's schoolbag,

and he was about seven,

and she was walking across a zebra crossing.

And this is how he was walking.

She was walking across and he was doing this. He was going...

LAUGHTER

Landing on each white line as he went.

And I was watching him, thinking, "Yeah, you embrace life, kid,

"you embrace life. And his mum turned to him and just went,

"Oh, walk sensibly."

And I remember sitting there thinking, "You bitch."

LAUGHTER "You absolute bitch.

"That kid is seven.

"That kid is seven. He is turning crossing the road into an adventure.

"He is living every second of life and making everything fun.

"Leave him alone. Let him have his childhood!"

Now that I've got kids... LAUGHTER

..I want to go back to that moment

and I want to walk up to them and look at the kid, and go,

"Walk sensibly, you little shit!"

LAUGHTER

Your mum's got three bags of shopping and your schoolbag,

you're lucky she hasn't pushed you under a truck, you little arsehole!

Because I'm a male... My wife looks after our kids when I'm away

and she's awesome.

She is so good at it.

I can do it for about four days

but then I start talking like an arsehole.

I'll be... If I've got my kids for more than four days,

you'll see me down at the local park just going, "Darren. Darren. Darren.

"Darren. Darren! Darren! Darren.

"Darren! Darren. Darren.

"Darren! Darren!

"Darren. Darren!

"Let your brother drink some of the Diet Coke."

LAUGHTER And we've got two girls, so I don't

even know who Darren is...

It's tough times.

So single parents, I genuinely believe you're absolute heroes.

Gay people, I'm not sure they should be allowed to adopt children.

Now...

I'm kidding!

LAUGHTER It's a joke! And I'm not saying

that in case you're offended, you'll work out soon that

I'm kidding and you'll be fine.

I say that in case you agree with me and no-one needs that in a room.

LAUGHTER

Let me explain. Because... I've got a prosthetic foot.

Now, that prosthetic foot throws my knees out, throws my hips out,

it throws my spine out.

So it means basically I have physio once a week.

What I'm trying to say is, if you've got one leg,

you'll end up with a bad back. That's just the way of the world.

One leg, bad back. That's why pirates used to go, "Arr!"

LAUGHTER

Honestly, two-legged pirates spoke normally.

"I say, Nigel, shall we go looting today?" "What a fabulous idea."

"Oh, look, here comes one-legged Barry." "Arr, me back, Jesus!

"If only there was some exercise I could do,

"some Pilates of the Caribbean."

LAUGHTER

WHISTLING So... Thank you!

So, now, my physio's name is Josh.

Not Josh Widdicombe, that would be a weird physio.

AS JOSH WIDDICOMBE: "I'm in Pret A Manger!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, I have an Australian physio. His name is Josh. And Josh is gay.

Now, Josh and his husband have got three girls

the same age as my girls. So we talk.

We have discussions about parenting and about all sorts of stuff.

After a while I felt comfortable enough that I could say to Josh,

"OK, I've got to ask you a question, please don't think this is offensive

"but who's in charge?" He said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "Well, when it's two dads, who's in charge?"

He said, "Neither of us is in charge."

I said, "Who looks after the kids the majority of the time?"

He said, "Neither, we split it 50-50." I went, "Yeah, but who has final say?"

He said, "Neither of us have final say."

I said, "How do you settle arguments over what's right for the kids?"

He said, "Simple. My husband and I disagree on what's right for the children, here's what we do.

"We both sit down over the dinner table, he puts forward his opinion, I put forward my opinion,

"we have a rational discussion, we come to a mutually agreed solution,

"and that's how we move forward."

That is not natural!

I'm sorry, I don't know if you know... Have you got kids?

You know how it works then, ma'am. You put forward your opinion,

he puts forward his opinion, and then you discount his opinion

COS HE DIDN'T SQUEEZE A CHILD OUT OF HIS VAGINA!

Unless, I mean, sorry, it is the most amazing thing I've ever seen my wife do

and she has done some amazing shit

but I'm allowed to have an opinion occasionally, aren't I?

No? Well, why doesn't anyone tell you that?!

Cos I read all the books - I read Baby Love,

I read The Baby Whisperer, I read The Shawshank Baby...

Don't put a poster on their wall, you'll never see them.

I read all the books.

Not one of them said, "Just shut up, mate. Just shut up."

So I would try and give opinions.

I'd walk in and look at my wife and go, "Do you know what I think we should do for the girls?"

And she'd look at me like, "Oh, you're going to finish that sentence, are you?"

And then I'd falter, my voice would go...

HIGH-PITCHED: "I just thought, um, maybe the right thing to do..."

Then she'd stare me down and I'd go, "No, you're right, honey.

"Rub cocaine on their gums, that'll put them to sleep, I don't know what I was thinking."

Oh, my God. I was not ready to not be in charge of something.

Here's the worst thing, though -

I said all this to my physio while he's working on me.

And he paused and he said, "Do you know what I think you should do?"

I said, "What?" He said, "You should do with your wife what I do with my husband."

I'm not entirely sure she'd be up for that, Josh.

He said, "No, no, here's what I do with my husband -

"I keep a list of all the things he says we should do for the girls,

"and then he does the opposite. I write them down in a list.

"I call it Stephen's Double Standard List.

"And every Sunday night, I read them out to him over the dinner table.

"You should do that with your wife."

Are you kidding me?!

Oskar Schindler wouldn't make that list!

And look, I love my wife, she's absolutely amazing.

This isn't a hate moment. She's brilliant, she's absolutely amazing.

But she came and saw me talk about this one night and she said,

"Why are you saying all that on stage?"

And my honest response was, "Cos I need to tell someone."

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready for your first act of the show?

It's such an amazing show.

APPLAUSE

I'm so excited to see this first act on stage.

I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival this year

and I heard that this woman was the person to go see in Montreal,

but my show was on at the same time as her.

Then I had one night at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,

I tried to buy a ticket to her show and it was genuinely sold out.

This is my first chance I've ever got to see her, as well.

Would you please welcome to the stage,

all the way from the United States of America, Michelle Wolf!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Never had an entrance make me feel like a magician before.

I'm very excited to be here in London!

This is exciting for me.

I was kind of embarrassed about what was happening back home in America,

and then I saw what was happening here and I was like, "Hey,

"you guys are falling apart, too."

I really... I truly feel bad for Hillary Clinton,

because no-one likes her.

Like, I voted for her but I don't LIKE her.

Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party,

I'd be like, "I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom."

And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I'd be like,

"I'm sorry, I have to use the men's room.

"I just made a life choice."

But you shouldn't like Hillary.

She's a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful.

We're never going to have a nice lady run for president.

You guys had Margaret Thatcher. You didn't call her The Nice Lady.

You called her The Iron Lady.

I don't think that's a word you use to describe someone

that's fun to hang out with.

We're never going to have a nice lady,

we're never going to have a woman that's like, "Um, I'd like to be President..."

"I was a sociology major...

"and I was in a sorority, and I love brunch."

"You can check out my policies on my Pinterest page."

Hillary is a woman who has never been to brunch.

She's like a hard-boiled egg in the morning and then nothing the rest of the day.

She gets hungry in the afternoon

and then she slaps a man and goes, "Full now!"

People say you can't make fun of what she wears because she's a woman.

I think you can, because it's fun to do.

Why are her jackets so big?

If any male candidate dressed like her, we'd be like,

"Why are you dressing like Kim Jong-Un?"

Be a shape! Why are your jackets so big?

What are you hiding under there?

Is that where all of your e-mails are?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The one thing that really bothers me is that everyone complains that

Hillary has a really shrill voice.

They're like, "I can't listen to her, she has such a shrill voice."

And well, sometimes that's just what happens to your voice!

Sometimes you're a person with a shrill voice

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Because we don't get to choose our voice!

You're never like, "Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside."

Or "I'd love a voice so shrill

"that if I suck the helium out of a balloon it wouldn't change my voice at all."

That might be a 100% real thing that happened to me.

And I get it! You don't want a president that every day

is talking to you like...

-SHRILL:

-"The economy, Isis, chocolate, ecch!"

Just like I know you don't want to wake up next to this voice.

You don't want me going, "Hey, good morning!"

"Oh, you lost your boner?"

This is a real wind-out-of-the-sails kind of voice,

this isn't a phone sex voice.

No-one's calling in to hear, "Where do you want to put your penis?"

And if you are, you should be arrested.

And I am a feminist.

I mean, I'm not like a buy-my-own-drinks kind of feminist...

We all have our lines, mine is at the bar.

It's like, I want equal pay! And a Chardonnay.

Well, then, just the Chardonnay.

We'll deal with the rest tomorrow.

I just think there's too many types of feminism happening right now.

You know? There's the type that's like,

"We want to be in charge of staff and we want to get paid the same."

And there's the type that's like,

"We want to free the nipple on Instagram."

It's like, hey! Can we focus?

I know she's more fun, but can we focus?

It's like if during the War of American Independence,

some soldiers were like, "We want to be independent!"

And then other soldiers were like,

"We want to free the nipple on Instagram."

Yeah, maybe England should stay in charge of you.

Sounds very irresponsible.

Also, I think if we focus our attention and our power,

we'll get more accomplished.

So personally, I think we should go after equal pay,

but if I get overruled I'll fight nipple.

You know, at the end of the day I'm a team player.

It's just kind of hard for me to even imagine that was a woman's idea.

Sounds like a man infiltrated a meeting...

-LOW-PITCHED:

-.."We're going to get these nipples on Instagram!

"Did you hear we can't? It's not fair.

"For the women.

"You know me, my main concern is the women.

"That's why I call them 'the women'."

It's hard, though. It's hard to be a woman, you know?

A lot of women right now are posting naked or almost-naked pictures online

to show how confident we are.

And in all the comments, other women will be like, "You are so brave."

I really just think that means, "Not a model."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Although, it's not brave! There's no soldier looking down at that picture

being like, "Oh, what a brave lady."

You know?

A man posts a naked picture, he just loses custody of his kids.

And if showing your weird body's brave,

then the guy that masturbated in front of me on the subway is very brave.

Cos he had a real weird body.

And he was making weird faces.

He might be the bravest man I know.

But that's the thing, we're supposed to care so much about our bodies as women, you know?

And there's even campaigns that we should love our bodies

and be confident in our bodies.

Or we could just stop caring about it.

Cos you know who doesn't care about their bodies?

Men.

You know what men are?

Successful.

Men are presidents, men are CEOs.

You never heard a CEO go, "I want to get profits up and keep costs down -

"and love me for me."

"3pm, we're going to have a meeting about how I can accept the fact that I have my mother's thighs."

You know who should care about their bodies?

Men! You have weird bodies, men.

You're gross.

Your balls are gross.

I've never seen a guy and been like, "Oh, I can't wait to get his pants off

"and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs."

What is it?!

It's like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar,

you're like, "Please be grapes."

Balls seem like a real God whoopsie.

It's like when you're putting up furniture and you've got a couple of leftover screws,

you're like, "Well, those were supposed to go somewhere.

"I guess I'll hang them from a satchel."

Even the name sounds like a mistake.

"What are you going to call them?" "Scrotum!" "OK."

This is how you know God didn't care about balls at all.

Everything else important, he covered in bone.

Balls, he was like, "Let 'em fly!"

You are so lucky we get our faces near them.

If a woman puts your balls in her mouth,

you should pay her a lot of money.

And not in like a prostitute way,

like a, "I don't know how else to say thank you!

"This is a very nice thing you just did to me.

"And you didn't get any pleasure out of it."

There's not a single woman that's like, "That's what does it for me."

You are more of a saint than Mother Teresa for that.

There's no way SHE ever did it.

I get one wrinkle, my career is over.

I have to put paint on my face just to leave my home.

And you guys get to walk around with those wrinkly, dangly bags of crap.

You should have to put make-up on them!

Or at the very least, googly eyes.

I don't know if that would be better or worse, but it would be fun.

He's happy, he's sad. He lost his boner.

And I don't know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy -

your balls are saggy.

YOU should wear a bra.

And you make it fancy.

CHEERING

All those women clapping, they meant yours.

I don't have a baby,

which is actually very impressive if you know me at all.

You get it.

I do think it's weird you can just have a baby.

You don't have to take a test or anything.

I think you should have to take a test and I think the test should be,

"Let me see your iPhone screen.

"Oh, it's cracked? Then no."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You can't carry a phone, you can't carry a baby.

Like, having a baby is arguably the coolest thing your body can do.

I have a friend who has one arm

and then she just had a baby that had two arms.

You can make shit you don't even have!

You can grow a penis inside a vagina.

Like the world's most terrifying greenhouse.

It's the coolest thing your body can do!

Me not wanting to have a baby is like a bird being like, "I'll walk."

But you're built to fly! "I know, going to walk."

And believe me, these wings work, we've had to cancel a couple of flights.

Yeah, it is an abortion joke.

And then I think women, we have weird priorities, you know?

We care so much about our wedding.

We'll even say things, "I want to be a princess on my wedding day.

"I'm going to be a princess.

"I'm a grown adult woman who'd like to be a princess."

All right, you want to be a princess?

Then I'm going to make you marry a man you've never met

in order to secure a French alliance. And guess what, Princess?

He's not going to love you.

Your parents wished you were a boy.

Happy wedding day, Princess.

And we'll say things like, "It's my day. It's my special day."

I don't really think you call it YOUR day if your dad's paying for it.

I think it's his day - and I think it's a really weird day for him.

I think he's paying a ton of money

to make sure a man has sex with you that night.

I think he's literally walking you down the aisle,

going, "Here, you fuck her."

And married couples, you don't even sell it very well, you know?

I hear a lot of married couples complain.

I think you hear more men complain about it than women, but men,

you've got weird complaints about marriage.

You'll say things like, "She won't let me keep my shirts."

And it's like, well, just hold them up here!

You're taller than her.

And if you're not taller than her, you're not complaining about anything,

you're just happy to be there.

We should date shorter guys more often!

They're really nice. The only problem is a lot of times

when you go for walks, you're going to have to be like,

"All right, speed up, little buddy. Go, go, little guy!"

I'll tell you a tiny secret.

The real reason I want Hillary Clinton to be president

is because I want Bill Clinton to be the First Gentleman.

Mostly because the spouse of the President is the one who sometimes

gives tours of the White House

and I'd love to see Bill be like, "These are our drapes...

"As you can see, they're navy.

"But if you shine a black light on them, boy, do they glow."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Oh, man. If these walls could talk,

"that means they'd have mouths and I'd put my penis in 'em."

Every time he bit his lip from behind a podium,

I thought he was trying to get rid of a boner.

You know, like...

"Hillary, Hillary, Hillary."

Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Michelle Wolf!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, how good was Michelle Wolf?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of the night?

He's one of Britain's best up and coming comedians,

he's the award-winning Jamali Maddix!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's up?

Yes! All right, yes.

Yes, yes, yes. Shit's about to get real, son.

All right, OK...

How's everyone doing?

CHEERING

I'm happy to be here, man. This is cool, man. This is fancy!

This is fancy. It's so fancy I even ironed my T-shirt.

That's how you know it's fancy. I'm telling you, man.

I'm trying to be more fancy now, that's my thing,

I'm trying to be more fancy.

So I started wearing glasses,

I'm like, "Boom - face fancy now cos I started wearing glasses."

And my mum actually said to me that with these glasses and beard

combination, that I look like a guy in prison who reads.

Yeah? "I'm just trying to do my time, bro.

"Waiting for that parole meeting."

What are we going to talk about? Let's keep it light-hearted.

Let's talk about race relations.

Look, I know... I can see you're uncomfortable.

I don't want to talk about it either but I have to. OK? I have to.

OK? Cos race is awkward, OK?

I know it. Race makes me awkward, too.

You know? Cos, look, man, look, I ain't proud of this, OK?

But what's racism if I can't say it for the room full of white people?

Check it out, right? So... I'm doing this gig the other day, right?

It's an all-white audience and I start doing a routine

about how people think I look like a terrorist, right?

Cos, you know, I have a beard, people are pricks,

so I'm doing the routine, right?

And people start getting upset at me, right?

So I carry on, cos I'm no quitter, right?

So I just carry on doing the routine and one woman stands up and says,

"Just get over it!"

And I go, "What the hell?"

Yeah? I get pissed off, you know.

I start talking about white privilege

and how she don't understand

what it's like for people to think that you're a terrorist.

Then halfway through the rant I realised I was in Northern Ireland.

Yeah, I messed up. Know what I'm saying, man?

I forgot there was different types of white people...

Should've saved my race card for later, you know what I'm saying?

I forgot about that rare white man struggle.

What's happening recently?

I've been thinking a lot. I had this big realisation the other day,

I realised that I'm a bit of an arsehole.

Yeah, I know, I see you looking there - not you, I love you.

Don't love me, sir. I'm going to let you down, I'm a bad boy.

All right? I'm an arsehole.

And I think about why I'm an arsehole, as well.

I don't want to be an arsehole, you know?

I think one of the reasons I'm an arsehole is because I'm British.

Right? I'm telling you, I am British. Relax.

No, I'm British, right?

Cos being British makes you an arsehole, man.

The reason being British makes you an arsehole is because

it makes you arrogant. And the reason it makes us arrogant,

cos at one time we had the biggest empire.

Am I right, sir? Yeah, you're nodding, going "Yes, we did."

But guess what, sir? "Did"!

Mm, cos that shit is over, man, all right?

England is going down the pan.

Think about it - the NHS, zero contract hours, the EU Referendum.

England's going so bad, Scotland tried to leave the party.

That's how you know England is done.

And we don't want it to be done.

We want to hold on to that shit, you know?

We want to hold on to it so much we still have a queen.

Just to remind us of stuff we did.

Us having a queen and knowing how bad we are right now is sort of like

a businessman who became a homeless man, but still wears a suit.

Right? "I'm just waiting for that phone call." It's not coming, cos we're done, you know.

But we don't think we can be done.

Why? Cos at one time we had the biggest empire.

But guess what? So did Greece!

Yeah. Now they're giving handjobs for potatoes,

that's what I'm saying. You'd better call Zeus.

Don't know how you feel about it, bro.

Arsehole, man. I think about it,

do you know who else I blame for being an arsehole?

My family. My family are crazy, man.

There's one guy I like in my family, though.

One guy I love to bits, it's my grandad.

He's a cool guy. He's as old as shit, nearly dead, he's like 70, right?

Old. Old, man. I love him.

Cos he was like a train driver for 50 years, right?

Never took a day off, we don't do that, right?

Still wears a union badge.

Like, "I'm not going to go on strike, Jamali."

Strike on what? The gardening? Go shut up, right? I swear to God,

he was such a socialist that he still wakes up in the middle of the night

angry at Margaret Thatcher. That's how deep it is.

"She stole the milk, Jamali! She stole the milk."

It's weird how your family can influence your ideas and your decisions.

It's weird, right? Cos looking at my grandad, right?

It kind of made me happy politically that we left the EU.

Right? Now, relax, you hippies. OK? I voted Remain.

I want to put it out there before you lynch me, right?

I voted Remain! I did, right?

But there's only one reason I'm happy we left the EU, right?

Cos I've been saying this thing for a long time, right?

And everyone thought I was an arsehole for saying it,

but now that we've left I think we can all agree one thing, right?

I think we can all agree that we need to stop old people voting...

And now listen!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Listen! No!

And when I say old people, I do not mean the crazy age,

I think the voting age should be 17 to 50... 51 if you're not a prick.

I think that's a good age to have. I can see some old school...

Look at old school right there. He's hating it right now. He's like,

"I want to vote." Listen, are you looking for a mortgage? No!

So why are still voting? I don't understand!

Why should you decide if we do poppers?

When's the last time you had a party?

You know, I don't hate old people.

I love old people, like I love my grandad.

He shouldn't vote!

He spends his days in his shed avoiding my grandma,

having arguments with himself that he wins, right,

and he should get the right to tick the box? No.

The real problem with old people voting is this, like, look,

they're going to die before they see the things they vote in.

They're not going to see what happens, you know?

The only pleasure an old person gets voting is like a suicide bomber, no?

They don't get to see the destruction,

but just before they do it, they go, "I bet they're going to be pissed,"

and vote for some shit we don't want.

Listen, I can see you, listen, man,

I'm going to be honest with you, my name is Jamali and I have a huge beard.

If you didn't expect suicide bomber jokes, shame on you, all right?

Not my fault that you're shocked.

It's weird, because, look,

I'll stand here and say he shouldn't vote.

I don't know, OK, I really don't know a lot about politics, right?

That's my problem, I'm smart enough to know that the government,

the banks, are messing us over. I'm just not smart enough to know how.

So I'm going, "Must be the Illuminati."

The Freemasons, Goddammit, the Bilderbergs.

I love conspiracy theories.

You like conspiracy theories, playboy? You love 'em, don't you?

I love conspiracy theories too, ma'am. I'm telling you.

I go to conspiracy theory conventions.

I say conventions, you know, it's just me and my friends

trying to figure out who shot Tupac, like that's...

"Who shot Tupac, man? Get the truth out."

I'm telling you, though, man.

But I think race is, like, a weird thing,

because I think it really does get misconstrued.

I think, you know what, I don't know if you don't know this,

but people talk a lot of crap about white people.

They do. People are like, because, um,

"You might be a bit upset by this,

"We had a meeting, um, obviously you wasn't invited."

I love when we say we had a meeting, the liberal white people go,

"Oh, we should send them a quiche, how nice!"

We had a meeting and people were saying some stuff about white people.

I defend white people. I said, "Don't you talk about my white people like that. Don't you do it."

Someone stood up in the meeting and said, "White people are more racist than any other race."

I said, "You shut your mouth, sir. That's not true."

White people ain't more racist than any other race.

It's just the white people that ARE racist are just the best, you know?

When white people get racist, they go for it, man.

You know, they start a political party, they go on a march,

they join the police force, like, they just get the job done.

APPLAUSE

I realise this stuff, man.

I think a lot now, because I'm getting old.

I'm old school, an old boy now, you know, I just turned 25, right, listen.

This is the oldest I've been, deal with it,

I can't just go in some time machine and relate to you, I'm sorry.

But I like getting older. Don't we like getting older, old school?

We love it, don't we? We love getting older,

because as you get older, you start to accept stuff about yourself.

You do - you have to, you know.

Like it took me 25 years to realise that THIS is my face.

This isn't getting any better, man,

because when I was younger I always wanted to be better looking, you know?

I didn't need to be crazy good looking,

I just wanted to be good-looking enough to cheat, right?

No, hear me out, I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.

I love my girlfriend!

Sometimes. OK?

But I need something to say in the argument that sounds believable,

once in awhile. Now look, I have Tinder,

and my girlfriend knows I have Tinder and doesn't even care.

She doesn't care. She's like, "Good luck."

You know? She doesn't respect my facial abilities.

And Tinder is disgusting but amazing at the same time.

I love it, I hate it, I don't know.

I don't know, because Tinder is great.

What I love about Tinder is it will make you realise some social stuff

about people, you know? Like I was on Tinder the other day, right,

and I'm flicking through the profiles, cos I'm a scumbag.

I'm going through the profiles and I see this one profile, right,

and every picture was just a lady with her titties out, right?

Just, "Pop!"

That's what titties sounds like in my head cos I'm 12, deal with it,

yeah? She has her titties out. Pop! And in the description

it just said, "Any dick, any time",

and I was like, "Wow, all right, you know your market, I like it, right?"

Showed my girlfriend the profile.

My girlfriend looks at the profile

and goes, "Oh, my God. What a whore."

I said, "What, babe? No.

"There's too much slut shaming in this world. She is no ho.

"She is a revolutionary."

Confusing, right?

I'm going to explain to you why.

You got to understand, everything in this world has a price.

Everyone and everything has a price.

And in this world, where everything has a price,

the price of vagina is very high, OK?

Listen, if it was on the stock market, it would beat oil and gold, right?

But, listen, I ain't giving women no number.

Men, we have a number as well.

But we've got dick, and dick ain't worth shit,

you know what I'm saying?

You can't have dick, you've got to back that up with some collateral, you know?

You've got to have a dick and a personality, dick and a job,

dick and a life plan, right?

Listen, I could have a warehouse full of penis

and it wouldn't be worth as much as a picture of a pussy, right?

So when she said, "Any dick, any time,"

she just crashed the whole pussy economy, is what I'm saying.

She made a credit crunch of vagina.

She gave vagina back to the working-class man.

She's the Karl Marx of pussy, is what I'm trying to say, guys.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, my name's been Jamali and this has been one of my favourite

times in my life. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have tonight for you.

Would you please thank Michelle Wolf and Jamali Maddix?!

My name's Adam Hills. Thank you and goodnight.