Christmas Special Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Romesh Ranganathan.

MUSIC: Last Christmas by Wham!

Welcome to Noel At The Apollo!

CHEERING

Yes, mate. Merry Christmas!

Well, I'm Hindu.

But thank you so much for the sentiment.

Such an honour to be hosting the Christmas Live At The Apollo.

And you sort of think, "How have I got to this point?"

I just want to give thanks to diversity quotas.

You know. It's...

LAUGHTER

Really helped me out. You get two for one with me,

because I'm Asian and I've got a lazy eye.

So what you get is...

You get ethnicity and you get disability.

I do like Christmas. I like to play the race card at Christmas.

What's good about it is that you can make anyone

feel racist at Christmas.

It's a really nice little tradition I like to do.

If somebody comes up to you and says, "Merry Christmas!"

You go, "Why would you assume that I celebrate Christmas?"

And if they come up to you and go, "Merry... Oh, no, do you celebrate?"

You go, "Why would you assume that I don't celebrate Christmas?"

It's wicked, man. I love it.

Or sometimes I like to knock on a neighbour's door and go,

"Here's your Christmas card, notice you didn't get me one for Diwali.

"See you later!"

It's nice, nice.

Obviously it's difficult for us at our house with Christmas

and that, because well, I can't pretend to be Santa.

It's because of the lazy eye.

It just makes it such a nightmare.

The kids don't know which one I'm giving the present to.

It's just...

It's absolutely horrendous.

My wife always wants to go away for Christmas, right.

Last Christmas, she wanted to do Disneyland Paris.

Has anyone been there?

CHEERING

I liked it. I found it difficult to engage with it fully because

it was so expensive. It's very difficult to fully enjoy it

when you know how much you've paid to get your family in there.

Like, my kids were walking around just, like...

All the visions of Christmassy Disney,

and I just had, in my eyes, the invoice.

Do you know what I mean? I was just...

For me,

Disneyland Paris is basically like a three-day angry walk.

Do you know what I mean? Just wandering around going,

"Fuck off, Donald!"

Just furious, so angry.

It was the first time I really thought about learning

another language, right. Because they all speak French -

obviously, we're in France. I'm not so post-Brexit that they can't speak

their own language in their own country, but I'm a very paranoid dude.

We're queueing up for the Tower of Terror with my eldest son,

just about to get on ride.

The guy behind the counter turns to his mate and goes...

HE YELLS IN FRENCH

I was thinking, "What the shit did that dude just say, man?"

In my head I'm thinking he must have gone, "I think the roller-coaster is broken,

"let's just try it out one more time on this prick and his son!"

He probably just said, "I fancy a sandwich."

I don't know, but I'm very paranoid.

The kids were very excited, right.

They were excited, cos how it works is you pay a lot of money to get in

so you can access some shops where you spend some more money.

Right, that's how it works. The kids are like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha,

"we're going to buy loads of stuff!"

I said, "No. No you're not, mate. You're allowed one present each.

"Yeah? Because Daddy is being fisted by Mickey here.

"So...

"You get one present each, all right. No messing about."

The little one... The thing is, I actually made an extra saving,

cos I've got a seven-year-old, a five-year-old and a two-year-old.

The two-year-old doesn't know what's going on, so sack him off.

I just gave him a croissant we got free at the hotel.

There you go.

"Thank you, Daddy. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Yeah. Enjoy, dickhead.

The eldest one...

..he chose a Jedi cloak.

He's into Star Wars.

I mean, not properly. He doesn't know the mythology properly,

but he is into Star Wars, right.

He chose a Jedi cloak with Mickey ears on it, right.

Now immediately I can feel tension in here.

He was wearing it around the house,

one of my mates went, "It's disgusting!

"Disgusting! It's exactly why I didn't want them taking over Star Wars, because of things like this!"

I was thinking, "What is your problem, dude? What are you concerned about?

"Are you worried that Star Wars is going to become commercial?"

Do you know what I mean?

Were you watching Jar Jar Binks and thinking,

"Nah, this is still cutting edge?"

And it was the Mickey ears that pushed you over?

Was it really?

My second son, he chose...

..a radio-controlled car.

Fine. Get back to England,

so frustrating...

..how shit this kid is at driving the car, man.

Like...

He's knocking into coffee tables, he's hitting my ankles,

he's hitting the skirting board.

I said to him, "Dude, a kid of your age made that."

You can't even drive it, you prick.

Unbelievable, this kid.

They've just... My two older ones have just started school.

I think school is the earliest point at which I care what my kids have

been up to. Because when my son was at nursery,

I used to go pick him up from nursery and the girl working there would go,

"Great day today, great day today, great day, great day.

"Would you like your daily report of what he's been up to?"

No, I don't think so!

What could he possibly have done that I would care about?

Let me guess. He dropped some stuff and he shit himself, right?

That's what he does at home.

Unless he's built a shed, I really couldn't care less.

In fact, I resent the fact we're having a conversation.

That's the honest truth of it.

It's difficult, it's difficult for teachers.

I respect teachers, you know. And they get all these Christmas presents and people say,

"We've got to buy presents for our teachers."

Good! Teachers deserve it, mate.

Do you know what I mean? I used to be a teacher - it's boring.

I mean, it's liberating once you've stopped caring about the kids' futures.

Then it becomes a wonderful, wonderful job.

But you have to do boring stuff.

Do you know what I mean? We had to do exam invigilation, right.

It's where the kids are sitting in a hall doing an exam,

and you've got to walk around pretending that you're interested

and you're worried about them cheating, so you just...

Sometimes I would do this, right.

HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY Good luck, mate!

I got given an Iggy Azalea album.

And there any fans of Iggy Azalea in?

CHEERING

This is my problem with Iggy Azalea.

She's a white Australian.

She's a white Australian and she's rapping

like a black woman from the South.

And it's legal!

How is it legal? I don't understand.

She doesn't...

She doesn't... It's not like Eminem.

Eminem raps how he talks. Iggy Azalea talks like this.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Hello, mate, I'm Iggy.

And then when she raps, she puts on a...

She does an impression of a black woman from the Deep South.

They record that and they sell it

and it's OK.

She's doing an impr... Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

She's doing an impression of a black woman.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Iggy Azalea is a minstrel that couldn't be arsed to black up.

That's what Iggy Azalea is.

My brother said to me I'm overreacting.

He goes to me, "You're overreacting, mate. It's hip-hop. She can't rap

"with an Australian accent. It wouldn't be authentic."

Wouldn't be authentic!

I don't buy that as an argument, you know.

If you went to an Indian restaurant

and the waiter was white,

and...

for a little bit of authenticity...

LAUGHTER

He said...

INDIAN ACCENT: .."Would you like a poppadum?"

You wouldn't accept that, would you?!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of this evening?

We have got three incredible acts for you and we're starting brilliantly.

He's absolutely fantastic, He's one of my very best friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, please could you give it up for Mr Seann Walsh!

MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade

Apollo, yes!

Thank you very much. Hello!

Hello.

Merry Christmas!

Yes!

Pigging it out!

Pigging out! It's great, isn't it?

Christmas. It's the only time of the year where eating a cheeseboard

is acceptable,

I think. Isn't it?

Any other time of the year, I look at a dessert menu and think,

that's weird. You've got all that sweet stuff -

Tiramisu, creme brulee,

Eton mess.

Sticky toffee pudding.

Chocolate brownie, sorbet ice cream.

Then...

Cheeseboard.

What is a cheeseboard doing...

..on the dessert menu?

That's not a dessert, is it?

If anything, that is a main.

What fat wanker...

..is having a cheeseboard after a steak and chips?

That can't have been on the dessert menu the whole time, could it?

Once upon a time, someone has ordered that for the first time.

Sat at a restaurant, there.

Wife

and fat husband.

Sat there. Wife's gone, "Um, darling,

"I think I'm going to go for the sticky toffee pudding.

"Yeah. How about you?"

"I want some cheese."

"Oh. Oh, well I can see if they...

"they do cheese. Which one?"

"All of them.

"I want all the cheeses.

"Camembert, Stilton.

"Brie, Cheddar.

"Mozzarella, halloumi.

"Forget the plate, just shove it on a plank of wood."

"Darling, it's just that most people after their main,

"they tend to have something sweet, that's all."

"Stick some grapes on it."

But enjoy - enjoy the pigging out whilst you can.

Cos before you know it, it's January.

Health kick.

People go on these soul-destroying diets.

Like juicing. Do you know about this?

Juicing? People juice -

they put broccoli and celery

in a drink, tell you, "It's delicious!"

Is it? Eat it, then!

I've never had to put a chicken nugget in a blender!

It's meant to be good for you.

Is it?

Juicing used to be a threat

made by gangsters.

"You do that again, you'll be having dinner through a straw."

Yeah.

You say that to someone now, they go, "Oh, detox!

"Sounds lovely!"

My girlfriend, she's into all these fads.

She's juiced. She comes in in the morning,

"I'm juicing, it's delicious!"

Holds up this glass full of what can only be described

as a post-Guinness shit.

Every morning.

HE IMITATES BLENDER

I don't have to set my alarm any more.

Every morning.

This is after she's used the noise gun to dry her hair.

HE IMITATES HAIRDRYER

HE IMITATES BLENDER

I've had to go to a building site for a nap.

But there's a lot of pressure on people to look good, isn't there?

Go on these extreme diets.

Even I've juiced.

I don't like to admit it. I wasn't feeling too good about myself

earlier on in the year. I juiced.

I wasn't strict.

You know, you're meant to do it for seven days.

I did it for three.

No solid food.

Just Guinness.

I lost

my phone...

..my keys, and a close friend.

Thank you very much, Apollo!

Merry Christmas! Good night, see you later!

Seann Walsh, ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act this evening?

Please go wild, go crazy, for the fantastic Kerry Godliman.

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens

Hello. Merry Christmas, Hammersmith Apollo!

How exciting. You've all got Christmassy vibes going on.

Everyone looks quite glammed up.

Look, little bit of sparkle.

Everyone's Christmas-ready.

Who's going away for Christmas?

Going away for Christmas is a thing, isn't it?

But I don't want to go away for Christmas, cos I like where we live now.

Cos when we first moved to our area, it was a bit... It was a bit shit, right? But it's got nice.

It's got little bit nicer, it's very slightly gentrified.

So now everyone that owns their property, they go on Rightmove

every day for a little wank.

"Oh, let's have a look at what our house is worth!

"Let's think of somewhere cheaper and put it in

"and see what we could get for it.

"Put in somewhere shit, somewhere, I don't know...

"Somewhere up north. Put that in."

And then you're like, "Fucking hell, we could own Hull!"

It's disgusting. It's very vulgar.

And parenting at Christmas time...

I worry about my parenting.

I don't know if I'm that good at it.

I get into rows, I row with my kids.

You shouldn't row with kids, should you, it's really frowned at.

I said to my friend, "I row with my kids."

And she said, "What do you mean, you row with them? You mean you like tell them off?"

I said, "No, because that would suggest status, wouldn't it?

"That would imply I've got some power in our relationship."

But I don't seem to have any power.

We were in the supermarket recently, getting all the shopping in.

I'm quite harassed, I've got other things I need to be doing.

One of them's like,

"No! We don't like pasta shells. We only like pasta bows."

I'm like, "It's the same. It's the same thing!

"All of the pastas are the same!

"The pipes and the bows and the shells and the twists!

"What are you looking at?!"

I said, "You don't give a toss about shape when it's chocolate, do you?"

Oh. It's not good.

Because there's no glory in winning a row with a child.

Like, if you win a row with your mate, you then tell your other mate,

don't you? And then you're like, "And then I said, 'Right.'

"And then I said, 'You don't give a shit about shape when it's chocolate, do you?'

"And I said it to her face."

It's like, "Oh, well done. With your six-year-old kid, well done, Kel."

And my son loves to play snap.

He loves to play dinosaur snap and he hates to lose.

Cos kids do, don't they? Kids hate losing games.

You won't meet a kid that loses a game that's like,

"No, it's fine, best of five. Let's just go again."

So I have to let him win because I'm his mum and I love him in a sort of

oppressive, cloying way.

So I have to let him win.

He will lose at things later in life when I can't control that for him,

but for this game of snap, I can let him win, can't I?

But it turns out that my reflexes aren't as sentimental...

..as me.

So a diplodocus goes down, and then another diplodocus,

and before I quite know what's happening, I'm like, "Snap! Snap!

"Ha-ha!"

Right in his face.

He starts crying.

You're like "Oh, grow some, babe. Snap's snap.

"Life's a bitch and so's your mum, shuffle."

It's not nice. I shouldn't. I should be a nicer...

I should be a nicer mum.

I love them, you love them so much.

You love them so much and it's hard to manage that amount of love.

Especially at this time of year, you want it to be magical.

It's going to be magical.

And I'd collect every memento of their childhood.

That's a way of managing, isn't it,

your affection for them. Collect everything, collect everything!

I've got millions of photographs.

Millions of the first one, a lot less of the second one, and...

Collect all their teeth.

I've got all their baby teeth,

which is a weird tradition if you properly think about it.

I've got a drawer full of human child's teeth...

..at home. But you've just got to get it all, haven't you? You've got to collect it all.

Bits of their hair from their little haircuts. Their little baby shoes and little drawings they do.

And you collect it, collect it. I feel like a sort of Disney witch.

Collect the child, collect the child!

Keep the child, keep their teeth, keep their shoes, keep their shoes!

Keep the child, love the child.

It does make you sort of think,

"What am I going to do with all this shit?"

I could sort of make a voodoo effigy of them, couldn't I,

as a disciplining technique when they're older, giving me backchat.

"You be back by ten, yeah." "Yeah, whatever, Mum."

"Mummy, not the voodoo!"

Pull the child, pull the child.

Love the child, cage the child.

It is weird, that bit.

You've been absolutely delightful.

Have a wonderful Christmas, take care!

Kerry Godliman, ladies and gentlemen!

Are you ready for your final act this evening?

Brilliant. He's one of the most exciting acts around.

Please give it up for Spencer Jones!

All right?

Merry Christmas. Hey!

ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

Hey!

I don't know what I'm looking at!

Some people...

Like my brother, he's a fireman, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Other people, yeah,

like my cousin, yeah,

he makes T-shirts, yeah.

Me?

I'm a dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead,

dickhead, dickhead, dickhead.

-VOICE RECORDING CONTINUES:

-Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead...

Hello.

Hoi! Oh!

How has he done that?

Wow!

You, you, you stroke it.

Stroke it. Stand, stand.

Gentle, gentle, gentle!

Oh. He's not sure.

He don't like it, he don't like it.

Yeah, yeah.

-Do magic. Go, "Ha-ya!"

-Ha-ya!

Oh! Hello.

# Ah, ah, ah, oh.

-VOICE RECORDING CONTINUES:

-# Ah, ah, ah, oh... # Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead...

-VOICE RECORDING CONTINUES:

-# Ah, ah, ah, oh... # Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead...

Ouch! That's sore.

Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore, sore,

sore, sore, s-sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore.

Sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore.

Sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore.

Sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore,

it was a saw, saw, saw s-s-saw, saw, s-saw.

Saw, saw, saw, saw, saw, s-saw, s-s-saw, saw, saw, s-s-saw, saw, saw.

Saw, saw, saw, s-saw, saw, s-saw, s-s-saw, saw, saw,

it's a sauce, sauce, s-sauce. Sauce, sauce, sauce, s-sauce, sauce,

s-sauce, s-sauce, sauce, sauce, s-s-sauce, sauce, s-sauce.

Sauce, sauce, sauce, s-s-sauce, sauce, s-sauce,

saucer, saucer, saucer, it's a saucer, saucer, saucer.

Nothing there. Nothing there.

How are you doing, all right?

Merry Christmas!

Oh, won a goldfish.

Thank you.

HE WHISTLES O Christmas Tree

Permanent marker.

Can we go swimming, Daddy?

Not for a couple of weeks, mate.

Just whistle? Oh, no.

HE HUMS A JAUNTY TUNE

HE CACKLES

I can vote!

Well, yeah.

Oh. Uh... What's this here, look?

Oh, yeah. Whose is it?

Can I have a go with that? Is that all right?

See that, the old, erm...

You know, the old...

They do, don't they?

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-That's going.

What else is there? What else is back there?

The old...

HE WHISTLES

Oh! Do you want to meet my son?

Do want to see my son? Yeah, yeah, yeah? Yeah? Son?

All right, mate. Come on, out you get.

Yep, yep, yep. Hey.

All right, mate. Oh, OK.

Chill out, mate.

That age, you know? Very aggressive.

All right, mate, chill out. I don't know if he's hungry or tired or whatever.

He's like... All right, mate. I was at the doctor's.

You know, the doctor's like, "It's normal."

"It's not normal! Look at him, he's going mad!

"Look at that!"

They think he's angry,

cos he's got a very...

long...

neck.

And he can't scratch his ears.

Put that like that, yeah.

You all right, mate?

Yeah?

Did you have a nice time on the helicopter?

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

Mate?

Sam?

It's something, isn't it? It's something. It is something.

Full-on, though. You know.

I'm 38.

Quick impression?

This is a posh lady falling to her death.

Thank you very, very much! Have a lovely Christmas!

Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very, very...

Hey!

Spencer Jones, ladies and gentlemen!

Please could you give it up for our acts this evening?

Give it up for Kerry Godliman!

Seann Walsh!

And of course the brilliant Spencer Jones.

I'll see you next time. Merry Christmas, goodnight!