Episode 6 Live at the Apollo


Episode 6

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Comedian Joe Lycett introduces Ivo Graham and Phil Wang to the stage.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight,

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Joe Lycett!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hammersmith Apollo, again, everyone!

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Give me an "Ooh!"

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-ALL:

-Ooh!

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Give me an "A-ha-ha-ha".

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-ALL:

-A-ha-ha-ha.

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Very nice. Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"

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-ALL:

-Hell, yeah!

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And then, as camp as you can, give me an, "Oh, no".

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-ALL:

-Oh, no.

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You shook your head. "I'm not going to do a camp thing".

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Give yourselves a round of applause!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That's good. Hello.

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So, right, I broke my elbow.

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-Did you?

-I did.

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I got into a fight.

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You should see the other guy.

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She's fine. She's back at school.

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I don't want to talk about it.

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Cos, you know, I just want to keep it low key.

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That's why I wore this sling(!)

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I made a sling out of silver!

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What I've realised is, I'm not going to be able to get up now.

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I've really shat myself up here, haven't I?

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Right...

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CHEERING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, do you know, I want to talk about Birmingham.

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I am from Birmingham. Anyone from Birmingham in?

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CHEERING

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Oh, loads of you. Hello, welcome. I know I don't have the accent.

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I know. I just never had it.

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I am...

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I, er, was watching Fox News the other week.

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The reputable news source that is Fox News(!)

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And they described Birmingham as "100% Muslim".

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Salaam-Alaikum.

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Alaikum-Salaam is what you say back, but don't worry,

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we will work it out. I was interested in that,

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because "100% Muslim", they said. It is a sort of truth.

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There is a lot of Muslims in Birmingham.

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There is a lot of all cultures there.

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We are known for being multicultural.

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One of the most famous Muslims in Birmingham is Malala Yousafzai.

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I don't know if people are familiar with her?

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CHEERING

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Yes, she's brilliant. She's an 18-year-old schoolgirl

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who was shot at by the Taliban for wanting to be educated.

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She now goes to Edgbaston High School for Girls.

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It is a private school. I don't think she pays the fees.

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I, personally, would hate to go to school with Malala Yousafzai.

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Can you imagine Show and Tell Day, with Malala?

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"OK, class, what have you brought in?"

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"Sally, let's start with you."

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And Sally goes, "I've brought in a papier mache cat

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"that I made".

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"OK, um, anyone else bring anything in?

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"Malala, did you bring anything in?"

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"This Nobel Peace Prize."

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"Sally! You're a piece of shit."

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I'd hate to be a teacher, as well.

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You're not going to tell Malala off for anything.

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"What are you doing with that phone?"

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"Texting Barack Obama, actually, so..."

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"Oh, sorry.

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"Um, Sally... you're a piece of shit."

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Poor Sally. No, I made her up. No, I was annoyed about that.

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I was annoyed when they said we were 100% Muslim, cos when they say

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things like that, there is a subtext to that.

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What they are saying is that we should be worried about that,

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that there is something terrifying, frightening about Muslims.

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I think we have got a problem. I think we are using the word "Muslim"

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far too quickly to describe people doing atrocities,

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when they do not represent Muslims any more than I do.

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I think we should be using a more accurate word for those people,

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which I am going to argue is "knobhead".

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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It's a political rally now.

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There would be levels of knobhead. You would have a moderate knobhead,

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all the way up to fundamental knobhead.

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And if we all did it, the news would have to catch up.

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They would have to go, "Today, two knobheads bombed a car."

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They would have to do it. And it wouldn't necessarily be to do with

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terrorist activity. Not just that. Any knobheady activity would get

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the knobhead word. I have thought of some.

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People that wear a festival wristband after a festival.

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Ugh! The worst!

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"I went to Reading."

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It's November, you're in a Costa! You're a knobhead!

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Couples that put a lock on a bridge. You are both knobheads, sorry!

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Hate that! Hate it!

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Sanctimonious mothers. I have to be careful here.

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I don't mean all mothers, by any means. Just a lot of my friends

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are having kids at the minute. It's the sort of mothers that go,

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"Don't tell me how to raise my kids." And you're like,

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"OK, but she IS trying to eat a petits filous

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"with an electric razor, so...

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"You're a bit of a knobhead, aren't you?! Just ever so slightly."

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Amanda Holden - fundamental knobhead. I just don't like her.

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I don't like her.

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CHEERING

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Don't encourage me, because I am sure she is lovely.

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But I think she's despicable.

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No, I don't have a problem with Muslims in Birmingham, at all.

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Happy to have them. I think they add to our city and to our culture.

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I think the big problem we have in Birmingham is happening around

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the country, actually. We have a lot of artisan coffee shops.

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You know the sort of places I am on about.

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Shoreditch is full of them. Kind of, like, distressed wood.

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That kind of thing.

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And they serve flat whites and they will say things like,

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"We support local artists."

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And you know that, cos the art on the wall

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is shit.

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Dozens. Dozens in Birmingham. They are all shit.

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No, there is one I quite like.

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I cannot say the name, for legal reasons.

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They do an avocado and feta smash.

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It's a very aggressive word, I feel,

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for what is, essentially, pressing with a fork.

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Avocado and feta smash! And for £1-1.50 extra,

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you can get a poached egg on top. It is a lovely way to start the day.

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I went in recently and I said to the girl,

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"I'd like the avocado and feta smash, please,

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"with the poached egg." And she went, "Oh.

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"We don't do the egg any more."

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I said, "Why's that?" And she went,

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"The kitchen was struggling to cope."

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When I hear the phrase "struggling to cope",

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I think of, I don't know, a single mother,

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trying to juggle a career, childcare, heartbreak.

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I don't think of someone cooking a fucking egg.

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I am boycotting them now. I am boycotting them.

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We have got a 24-hour Starbucks, as well.

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Nobody asked for one. We've got one.

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The staff, at 4am, genetically closer to a moth.

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I have only been in once. It was about 4am.

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I got back late from a show. I thought I would treat myself,

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have a hot chocolate. The guy behind the counter obviously

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could not cope with daylight. "Can I take a name?"

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"Yeah, it's Joe. Can I ask why?"

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He's like, "Just in case the order gets confused."

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I looked around an empty Starbucks!

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He shuffled along to the service counter, took him ages to make it,

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and then he went, "Hot chocolate for John".

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So, to prove a point, I just waited.

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"John will be here in a minute, won't he?

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"He loves a hot chocolate, our John."

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Now, I am going to tell you a final thing and then I am going to

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bring on your first act. Are you up for this?

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CHEERING

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Right. What I want to tell you about is a thing I have been doing

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in my office. I have got this office in Birmingham. It's a little space

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that I write stuff in and whatever. I have got this, like, snap frame

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on the door, which is where, like... The other businesses have their

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business name, but I am not a business, so I just leave it blank,

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most of the time. But sometimes, I get drunk in the office

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and put silly things in the snap frame.

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I just did a thing where I put in the snap frame,

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I put a sign up. I put a sign up which said,

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"Have you seen this cat?", with a picture underneath it

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which is clearly a fox.

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And then put, "Missing from the area.

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"Answers to the name of Samantha Peterson.

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"Any information to Peter, at [email protected]"

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I just made up these things. Made myself laugh.

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Didn't think of it again. Until, a couple of days later,

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I got an e-mail from Carol. Carol wrote, "Mr Lycett,

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"it has come to our attention that you have a sign for a lost cat

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"on your office door snap frame. May I remind you that it states

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"in your contract that we have a strict policy on animals

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"in the building, as this is a workplace.

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"Animals are not permitted and anyone found with animals

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"in their units could have their contract terminated.

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"Regards, Carol. Management assistant."

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I checked the contract. Nothing in there about animals,

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so she's got nothing on me. Second, it's a picture of a fox, Carol.

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I replied. "Hello, Carol. My apologies.

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"There has been a simple misunderstanding.

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"There is, indeed, a sign for a lost cat in the snap frame,

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"but Samantha Peterson is not my cat.

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"I am attempting to find her,

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"as I believe she has been stealing from me."

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"I popped into the office late one night last week

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"and discovered that my collection of antique biscuits

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"had been disturbed.

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"Outside the building, I spotted a cat and instinctively shouted,

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"Samantha Peterson!"

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"The cat turned, so I deduced that is her name.

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"I know she has my biscuits.

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"Any help you can provide would be most appreciated.

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"Many thanks, Joe Lycett."

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Carol sent me a reply.

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"Mr Lycett, I am sorry to hear about the disruption at your office,

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"but I would like to politely ask you to take the sign down.

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"The surrounding businesses have made complaints that their clients

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"are being disturbed by your sign." How you can be disturbed

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by a sign, I don't know. She sent me another e-mail straight after.

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"Also, can I ask what the Peter Peterson e-mail address

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"is on the sign? Are you sharing the office space?"

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It's a sole occupancy. I replied, "Hello, Carol,

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"No, Peter is my private investigator.

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"He has agreed to live in the office and work on this case for as long

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"as is necessary. I replaced the sign. With my compliments,

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"many thanks, Joe." I replaced the sign with the same picture of a fox,

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just with, "Wanted - dead or alive" over it.

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A day later, another e-mail from Carol.

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"Mr Lycett, we have had more complaints

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"that you have replaced the sign with a very similar sign.

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"Also, you cannot have anyone living in your office.

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"Is there a time we can speak on the phone today?

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"It would be easier to discuss this, rather than over e-mail."

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I didn't want to speak to her over the phone, so I replied,

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"Carol, I am afraid that will not be possible.

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"I have been advised by Peter Peterson that I should not use

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"the phone, as it could be bugged."

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She replied, "OK, Mr Lycett, I just had one of our security guys

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"go round and there is no-one answering the door

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"and the lights appear to be off. I am fairly confident

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"your investigator is not living in the office.

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"As long as you do not have pets in the office, I am happy to forget

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"the whole thing. Regards, Carol." Very diplomatic. Very considerate,

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on Carol's part. I replied...

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"Carol, Carol, Carol...

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"Of course your security man did not spot Peter Peterson.

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"He is a private investigator

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"and shape-shifter. He lives in the cracks.

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"He is watching you when you least expect it.

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"He lives in the shadows of your darkest fears and,

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"in your weakest moments, when you're naked and vulnerable,

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"he is there - watching, waiting. He lives through all of us.

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"He is their breath on the back of the neck, the breeze in your hair.

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"Cheers, Joe."

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I also put, "PS Also, FYI, I found Samantha Peterson last night.

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"I slaughtered her as a sacrifice to our beloved gods

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"and burned the body in a tribal ceremony.

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"I took the sign down this morning."

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Carol replied, "Thank you".

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK.

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So, yeah, I am going to introduce the first act now.

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I love this guy. I have worked with him for years,

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since we both started stand-up. I just think he's wonderful.

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So, please, give all your love and warmth

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for the amazing Ivo Graham!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, Live at the Apollo.

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CHEERING

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My name is Ivo. I am going to tell you a few things about myself.

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Let's start off with the big news. I have got Amazon Prime!

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CHEERING

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Not sure how many of you

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are currently riding the Amazon Prime wagon.

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It's a hell of a wagon to ride - living the next day delivery dream.

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What a thrill.

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Or at least, it was for the first month.

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You know how it is.

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Just meant to be a bit of fun before Christmas, really,

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but I forgot to cancel the trial in time.

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Now, I am trapped.

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Walking around every day with an Amazon Prime subscription

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I neither want nor need.

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The world's shittest superpower.

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Going up to strangers in the street,

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"Do you need anything tomorrow? It can be arranged."

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But people are jealous. My flatmate, who tried to muscle in

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on my Amazon Prime action.

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He said, "I need a book quite urgently. Would you mind ordering it

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"for me, off your account?" I said, "Yeah, sure. Why not?

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"Spread the love." But then, overnight, I had a bit

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of a change of heart. Thought to myself,

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"You know what? No! My Prime privileges are not something to be

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"bandied around willy-nilly.

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"I have paid my money. I didn't mean to, but I have.

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"I have joined an exclusive club

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"and it is not for me to bail out the Muggles."

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That book arrived the following morning

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and I kept it in my possession for another 2-4 working days.

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I am an extremely petty man.

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What else can I tell you about myself?

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I have got a girlfriend. That's very exciting.

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-ALL:

-Whoo!

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Or at least, it was, for the first month.

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You know how it is.

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Just meant to be a bit of fun before Christmas, really, but...

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..I forgot to cancel the trial in time.

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Now, I'm trapped.

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I am joking. I am extremely grateful.

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I was a very late starter

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to the whole world of sex and relationships.

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I remember there was a bet amongst my group of friends at school

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that I would be the guy in the group who would not have sex until after

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they left school. To most people, that is an insult.

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To me, very much challenge accepted. I surpassed expectations,

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by the length of an additional educational establishment.

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I'm not ashamed of that. Tried to turn it into something

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I am sort of proud of, like a modesty Top Trump.

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Obviously, I am well aware that "age of virginity lost"

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is not an official category in most Top Trump sets.

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I like to imagine that it is, cos if you had this guy,

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your opponent would need to be packing

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some pretty strong Christians or he'd be going home.

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The most exciting times for me as a teenager - going to parties

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on my holidays. Usually about one party a year,

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just to keep my hand in. I wasn't invited by girls my own age.

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No, I was invited by their mums, who, in turn, were asked to do so

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by my mum. My mum was like my agent, back in the day.

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A very popular mum on the East Wiltshire social scene.

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And some of that popularity trickled down. I would go to these parties

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And I would be a hit, not with the girls my own age,

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but with their mums. Cos their mums trusted me.

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They knew what they were getting from the other boys,

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at their daughters' parties - red wine stains in the carpet

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and sexually-transmitted infections. Not from this guy.

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They knew what they were getting from me. A box of Quality Street

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at the start of the night, a hand with the washing-up after dinner

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and a thank-you letter in first-class post the following day.

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I don't like to boast too much on stage, but I am not ashamed to say

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that I write a fucking good thank-you letter.

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All the trimmings. Ink fountain pen, vellum parchment paper.

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One crazy summer, even experimented with a wax seal.

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The overheads were too crippling in the end, but it was a hell

0:16:270:16:29

of a summer, I can tell you. It's a disappearing art

0:16:290:16:33

in the digital age - the old-fashioned thank-you letter.

0:16:330:16:35

I loved it, the formality of it.

0:16:350:16:37

Writing my address in the top right-hand corner,

0:16:370:16:40

just in case any of the mums wanted to write back. They never did,

0:16:400:16:43

but I gave them the option. The date underneath - the classic

0:16:430:16:46

six-figure date formation - day, month, year.

0:16:460:16:48

Unless it was an American family, obviously, in which case,

0:16:480:16:51

still day, month, year, cos they must learn.

0:16:510:16:54

Changing the world, one letter at a time.

0:16:550:16:59

APPLAUSE

0:16:590:17:01

Sometimes, I was so keen to get started on my thank-you letter,

0:17:030:17:06

I'd start it while still at the party itself.

0:17:060:17:09

Usually in the late hours of the night, a schism would occur.

0:17:090:17:13

Everyone else would be next door, playing Spin The Bottle

0:17:130:17:15

or strip poker. I'd be on my own, at the desk,

0:17:150:17:18

bashing out the first draft, deciding whether or not to dedicate

0:17:180:17:22

an entire paragraph to the Viennetta.

0:17:220:17:24

I went to university and things got more exciting.

0:17:280:17:31

At university, there were girls there.

0:17:310:17:32

I became friends with them. Sometimes, good friends.

0:17:320:17:34

I was often told by my female friends that

0:17:340:17:36

"I would make a great boyfriend". Those females and their addiction

0:17:360:17:40

to the hypothetical tense.

0:17:400:17:43

When will they have the courage to turn these theories into reality?

0:17:430:17:46

I am sure a few of us here have been told we would make great boyfriends

0:17:480:17:51

or great girlfriends. One of these compliments which loses its appeal

0:17:510:17:54

quite quickly. Like being told by your computer you have

0:17:540:17:57

"excellent password strength".

0:17:570:17:59

Eventually, the compliment wears off.

0:17:590:18:03

I know I have got a good password.

0:18:030:18:06

How about a bit more attention to my banging secret question?

0:18:060:18:09

The real jewel in the crown. An entire childhood spent

0:18:090:18:13

misleading people about who my best friend was,

0:18:130:18:15

specifically with this in mind.

0:18:150:18:17

At university, it stopped being about going to parties.

0:18:210:18:23

It started being about going to clubs. I'm not having a go at clubs.

0:18:230:18:27

As an adult now, I quite enjoy going to clubs.

0:18:270:18:29

I go quite often. I am an absolute slave to the rhythm.

0:18:290:18:32

But back in the day, very nervous.

0:18:330:18:36

And never more nervous than the first time it was proposed

0:18:360:18:38

that we travel to London especially for a club night.

0:18:380:18:40

I remember consulting the itinerary that afternoon, saying,

0:18:400:18:43

"Guys, I have seen when our train gets in

0:18:430:18:45

"and when the last train home departs.

0:18:450:18:47

"That's going to afford us about 45 mins max of boogie time.

0:18:470:18:50

"What's going on?" I received a truly chilling response.

0:18:500:18:53

"You have got it wrong. Not the last train home tonight -

0:18:530:18:57

"first train home in the morning." Does anything send more of a shiver

0:18:570:19:00

down the spine of a nervous debut clubber than that?

0:19:000:19:03

You guys know how UK train tickets work. That is going to exceed

0:19:030:19:06

the remit of our same-day return. There is no next-day return.

0:19:060:19:11

I was being asked to stump up for an open return.

0:19:110:19:14

Commit to a potential month of clubbing.

0:19:140:19:18

A month spent at the O2 Academy, Brixton.

0:19:200:19:22

Me and 3,000 of South London's rudest boys.

0:19:220:19:25

CHEERING

0:19:250:19:26

As I found out, as I entered my second hour of holding the door open

0:19:260:19:29

for them, listening to drum and bass -

0:19:290:19:33

a genre I thought I would enjoy.

0:19:330:19:35

I quite enjoy bands without a guitar player.

0:19:350:19:39

Thought we'd be listening to something like Keane(!)

0:19:390:19:42

But there were no other Keane fans in the O2 Academy, Brixton

0:19:420:19:44

that night. Or at least none others

0:19:440:19:47

wearing the official band T-shirt.

0:19:470:19:49

It was a night of crime. People were breaking into the venue

0:19:490:19:52

without tickets, people were smoking indoors, people were doing drugs

0:19:520:19:55

in the loos. Not having a go at any of these things.

0:19:550:19:57

We have all broken the rules at some point in our lives.

0:19:570:19:59

I once sold multipack cans of Coke individually at a church fete.

0:19:590:20:04

Made a sweet, sweet £4 profit off my mum's friend, Yvonne.

0:20:050:20:08

We are all going to hell.

0:20:080:20:10

Got no objection to it. I was often told by my friends at university

0:20:120:20:14

that "I would make a great drug taker".

0:20:140:20:18

But I was not partaking in any illegal activities that night.

0:20:180:20:21

However, despite this, I was mistaken on the dancefloor,

0:20:210:20:24

not just for a drug taker, but for a drug dealer.

0:20:240:20:27

The man caught me rubbing my gums, misunderstood the situation.

0:20:270:20:30

Approached me, attempted to make a purchase.

0:20:300:20:32

There is no lower moment in this life than having to explain

0:20:320:20:35

to a potential client that what you applied was not MDMA, but Bonjela.

0:20:350:20:39

Ladies and gents, this has been an absolute privilege.

0:20:390:20:42

Thank you for having me. I've been Ivo Graham. Goodbye!

0:20:420:20:44

CHEERING

0:20:440:20:48

Ivo Graham!

0:20:500:20:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:530:20:54

Amazing! Right, it's time for your next act.

0:20:540:20:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:580:21:00

Right! I love this act so much. You are going to have

0:21:000:21:03

such a brilliant time. So, please, give all your love and warmth

0:21:030:21:06

for the amazing, the wonderful Phil Wang!

0:21:060:21:10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:100:21:15

Hey! Hey, guys. Hey, how's it going?

0:21:200:21:23

Good to be here. All right. Yeah.

0:21:230:21:27

It's me, Phil Wang!

0:21:270:21:29

-ALL:

-Whoo!

0:21:290:21:31

Phil Wang. That's right, real name.

0:21:310:21:32

Phil Wang. Phil and then Wang.

0:21:320:21:36

Phil Wang.

0:21:360:21:37

First you hear Phil, then you think, "Oh, everything is normal".

0:21:370:21:40

Then, bang! Wang!

0:21:400:21:42

Out of nowhere, like a bat out of hell.

0:21:440:21:46

Phil Wang. I love introducing myself.

0:21:460:21:48

I love introducing myself. My favourite thing to do.

0:21:480:21:51

Every time I meet a new person, every time I meet a new person,

0:21:510:21:54

a new person, as in a stranger, not a baby.

0:21:540:21:57

LAUGHTER

0:21:570:21:59

I don't tell babies my name.

0:22:010:22:03

Babies don't care.

0:22:030:22:06

Babies are rude.

0:22:070:22:10

But every time I meet a stranger, I like to say, "Hi, I'm Phil.

0:22:100:22:13

"Phil Wang."

0:22:130:22:15

"Phil by name...

0:22:150:22:17

"..Wang...

0:22:170:22:20

"..by second name. Phil Wang."

0:22:200:22:21

That's how names work.

0:22:240:22:26

That's how names work for me. Phil Wang.

0:22:260:22:28

Lovely to be here. Got to come clean with you, folks.

0:22:310:22:33

I'm not very good at starting performances.

0:22:330:22:36

I tend to just say my name a bunch of times.

0:22:380:22:40

And hope for the best.

0:22:420:22:44

Starting's the hardest part.

0:22:440:22:45

Starting's the hardest part of comedy,

0:22:450:22:47

the most difficult part of the job.

0:22:470:22:48

Comedians employ a whole host of tricks to start.

0:22:480:22:51

What a lot of comedians like to do is they like to start by

0:22:510:22:53

pointing out a celebrity they look like.

0:22:530:22:55

You know, like a weird thing they bear resemblance to.

0:22:550:22:59

And it's funny. Apparently if you look at me, right?

0:22:590:23:01

And, like, squint really hard,

0:23:010:23:05

that's racist.

0:23:050:23:07

Don't do that.

0:23:170:23:18

You'll get kicked out of the Apollo.

0:23:180:23:20

What else about me? I'm 26. I'm twenty-goddamn-six.

0:23:230:23:28

People often think I'm older,

0:23:280:23:29

because although I am 26,

0:23:290:23:31

I look terrible.

0:23:310:23:33

I look gross and old, I guess.

0:23:350:23:38

Mothers, lock up your selves.

0:23:380:23:42

Old Wang's on the prowl.

0:23:430:23:45

He gon' get ya.

0:23:460:23:48

I'm a... I'm a bit fat, I suppose. I don't look great. I'm a bit fat.

0:23:500:23:53

I don't struggle with my weight.

0:23:530:23:54

People my shape and size often say they struggle with their weight.

0:23:540:23:57

They're always very sad. "Oh, I struggle

0:23:570:24:00

"with my weight..."

0:24:000:24:02

I don't... I don't struggle with my weight.

0:24:020:24:04

Struggle implies that I fought back at some point.

0:24:040:24:07

I didn't.

0:24:100:24:12

I helped.

0:24:120:24:14

I was very much an accomplice to my weight.

0:24:140:24:17

I was no barrier of entry to my weight.

0:24:170:24:19

My weight knocked at the door and said, "Can I come in?"

0:24:190:24:22

And I said, "Can I keep playing video games and touching myself?"

0:24:220:24:24

And my weight said, "Yeah." "Oh, come in!"

0:24:240:24:27

"Take off your shoes, though. Chinese house."

0:24:280:24:31

I have been trying to work on my look, though.

0:24:340:24:36

I've been trying to look better. I'm trying to work on my look.

0:24:360:24:39

I think it's important for all of us to have a distinct look that we like

0:24:390:24:42

and to accomplish it as best we can,

0:24:420:24:43

and so I have settled on the look

0:24:430:24:45

of Cambodian dictator.

0:24:450:24:47

It's a pretty strong look.

0:24:530:24:55

It's been getting me a lot of respect recently.

0:24:550:24:59

Mainly from Cambodian people.

0:24:590:25:00

But then I've got fun shoes at the end.

0:25:020:25:06

Racist people think that I'm barefoot, but there you go.

0:25:060:25:09

It's a joke about colour.

0:25:110:25:13

Just a joke about colour, madam.

0:25:130:25:16

People always ask me where I'm from.

0:25:160:25:18

You know, people always say, "Hey, Phil, Phil Wang...

0:25:180:25:21

"..where are you from?"

0:25:230:25:25

Then I say, "Oh, London."

0:25:250:25:27

And then they say, "Heh, NO...

0:25:270:25:29

"..Nice try, Phil Wang...

0:25:340:25:35

"..Where are you originally from?

0:25:380:25:40

"Hong Kong, the Philippines, Malaysia, somewhere like that?"

0:25:420:25:45

Happens all the time and it upsets me, you know?

0:25:450:25:47

I don't like it, cos I'm British. I love being British.

0:25:470:25:50

I have a British passport, and I'm very proud to be British,

0:25:500:25:53

but I think what annoys me the most about the whole thing is that

0:25:530:25:56

I am actually originally from Malaysia.

0:25:560:25:58

Yeah, so, erm...

0:25:580:26:00

So I don't say that.

0:26:010:26:04

And then they were right to have asked.

0:26:040:26:06

That's the most difficult part of the whole thing.

0:26:060:26:09

You know, cos they shouldn't have asked.

0:26:090:26:12

But it turns out

0:26:120:26:14

they were right to have asked.

0:26:140:26:16

It was spot-on, to be fair to them, but...

0:26:160:26:18

I mean, it was a racist suspicion

0:26:180:26:22

for them to have.

0:26:220:26:23

But the suspicion was correct in the end, so...

0:26:240:26:27

I'm always conflicted.

0:26:270:26:29

Am I offended by their narrow-mindedness

0:26:290:26:31

or impressed with their detective skills?

0:26:310:26:34

Good work, Columbo.

0:26:340:26:36

I suppose race isn't always black and white.

0:26:370:26:40

There are shades of yellow, too. Thank you.

0:26:420:26:44

Thank you very much.

0:26:440:26:45

I'm enjoying my life in the UK, though. I like it a lot here.

0:26:460:26:50

Got myself a girlfriend. Thank you!

0:26:500:26:52

Got myself an English girlfriend, living the immigrant dream!

0:26:540:26:56

Smackin' it.

0:26:580:26:59

It'll be your jobs next!

0:26:590:27:02

Nah, the women'll do.

0:27:090:27:12

Women are miracles. Jobs are boring.

0:27:120:27:15

She's great, my gal, she's brilliant. She's a vicar's daughter.

0:27:160:27:20

A vicar's daughter.

0:27:230:27:25

The atheist's ultimate victory.

0:27:250:27:27

Take that, God.

0:27:290:27:32

Old Wang snagged one of your lambs.

0:27:320:27:34

Mm-mm-mm.

0:27:380:27:40

I snuck in your pen and I nabbed your lambs.

0:27:420:27:44

I reckon I'm going to have kids, though, with my lady.

0:27:470:27:49

I'm going to have kids with my gal.

0:27:490:27:51

My girlfriend, she's a white lady. No problem with that. Big fan.

0:27:510:27:55

Big fan of the white ladies.

0:27:550:27:57

So much so, actually, that I've decided that I'm only ever

0:27:570:27:59

going to have children with a white lady, right?

0:27:590:28:02

Not only that, my sons will only ever have children

0:28:020:28:04

with white ladies, their sons will only ever have children

0:28:040:28:06

with white ladies, and this'll go on and on, on and on,

0:28:060:28:09

generation after generation after generation,

0:28:090:28:12

until every trace of Chinese gene is gone, every memory of me erased.

0:28:120:28:15

They won't even know I ever existed, right?

0:28:150:28:18

Because I have a dream that in 1,000 years, the UK will be full of

0:28:180:28:22

white people who are all called Wang and don't know why.

0:28:220:28:25

Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Phil Wang.

0:28:270:28:29

You're wonderful. Thanks, bye.

0:28:290:28:31

CHEERING

0:28:310:28:35

Phil Wang!

0:28:350:28:37

Amazing!

0:28:380:28:40

Ivo Graham and Phil Wang! I've been Joe Lycett. See you again.

0:28:410:28:45

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