Episode 5 Live at the Apollo


Episode 5

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Glaswegian comic Frankie Boyle introduces Jack Carroll and Holly Walsh to the stage.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Frankie Boyle.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello!

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CHEERING

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I've been quite busy letting myself go.

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I decided to stop caring about my appearance when I realised

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that the reason that women weren't having sex with me

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was because of my personality.

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I'm quite out of shape at the moment.

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At the moment, when I'm lying down and I get an erection,

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it sort of looks like a motorcyclist emerging over the brow of a hill.

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I don't think women mind. Women don't mind heavier guys.

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I think women look at me and think,

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"He would go down on me like a parched spaniel."

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I have a theory.

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I have a theory that masturbation is a kind of summoning spell

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for your own rational mind.

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Cos we're all so driven by hormones and by desire,

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sometimes you've got to have a wank to speak to your real self.

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You have a wank and you go,

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"Oh, I should've shagged my ex one last time. I'll text her.

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"I'll text her. I'll meet her, I'll shag her."

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And then you come and a little voice comes on in your head that goes,

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"Yeah, don't do that, mate."

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You've got to be careful with jokes, haven't you?

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Cos not everybody's got a sense of humour.

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I can remember when I first realised

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not everybody's got a sense of humour. I was 13.

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I was at school and we were doing a class on stereotypes.

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The teacher was a really good guy.

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He was just talking about how stupid stereotypes are

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and he was talking about a stereotype that day

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that's so old-fashioned and so Scottish

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that you definitely won't have heard it.

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Have you ever heard the stereotype that deaf people are really strong?

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That was a genuine thing when I was growing up.

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Deaf people, particularly deaf and dumb people,

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were believed to be really strong.

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And the teacher said, "Think how stupid that is.

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"Have you ever seen a deaf contender

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"for the Heavyweight Championship of the World?"

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And me, aged 13, I put my hand up and I went, "There was one, sir,

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"but he was disqualified for punching after the bell."

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And nobody laughed.

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And I knew right then that life was going to feel pretty long.

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You've got to have a bit of leeway with jokes, haven't you?

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I can't write jokes for the average person, can I?

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The average person is Chinese.

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HE LAUGHS

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We had the Queen's 90th birthday this year.

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We had a street party round my way with jelly and ice cream.

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Nothing to do with the Queen.

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We were just trying to flush out a local paedophile.

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The Queen has two birthdays a year,

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one each for her human and lizard forms.

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Don't get me wrong, I want the Queen to live a long life,

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cos the longer she lives,

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the more days we get off on holiday when she dies.

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At the moment, she's a long weekend.

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God bless her.

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If she makes it to 100, we're going to get a week off.

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Some people don't like the Queen.

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There was a thing a couple of years ago...

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There's a fund of money for very poor people

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to heat their homes in an emergency.

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And the Royal household tried to get hold of that money

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to heat Buckingham Palace.

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Heat Buckingham Palace!

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We don't want her dying in winter.

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A week off in winter is no good to anybody.

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We want her to go at the height of summer

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where we can turn it into three weeks in Tenerife.

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"It's the funeral today, boys. Black armbands on the flumes."

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I honestly think that the Government are saving the Queen's death

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for when they need a really big distraction.

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Theresa May'll go round there one week,

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pull the pillow out of her briefcase and go, "I'm sorry, ma'am,

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"I'm afraid that Isis have just landed in Cornwall."

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So we had Brexit.

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People are saying after Brexit

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that British people don't trust experts any more.

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I don't think that's the problem.

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I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions

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based on nothing at all.

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Strong opinions... APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Strong opinions on very little information.

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Because we're a decadent society.

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It's exactly the same thing that happened to the ancient Romans

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probably. I've never really bothered to find out.

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I enjoyed voting in Brexit.

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Not for the sake of democracy.

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It's just rare for me to be allowed into a Scout hall unchallenged.

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So we elected Theresa May.

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We didn't even elect her! She just wandered in there

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like she'd stepped out of a haunted mirror.

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"Hello!"

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Theresa May looks like she's entirely made out of bones,

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doesn't she?

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She looks like she's made out of the bones that they forgot

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to put into Boris Johnson.

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He's the Foreign Secretary!

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A cross between a head injury and an unmade bed.

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It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,

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he might be the worst mammal.

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There was a lot of racism post-Brexit.

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I think British people just get immigrants to do the jobs

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that they can't face doing themselves,

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which is why Nigel Farage has a German wife.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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My favourite Farage thing was when he dodged the question

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of whether he thought Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.

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And I think Idris Elba would be a great James Bond

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cos I want to see a Bond movie where the pre-credits sequence

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is just a black guy trying to drive an Aston Martin

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through central London.

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"Someone seems to be shooting at us, Bond."

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"I think it's the Met."

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I don't want to sound like I'm too down on racists here.

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Some of my best friends are racists.

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Although, to be fair, they're black and they've got a point.

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There's a kind of anti-refugee racism in the air,

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especially in the summer.

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You know, you'd read about some guy rowing over here in a sink.

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And people would be going, "Oh, send him back."

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Don't send him back, there was an Olympics coming up!

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Get him involved!

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There's this element to anti-refugee racism.

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People say, "Oh, Isis are sending agents disguised as refugees.

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"Isis are infiltrating Britain as refugees."

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That's not happening.

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And I can prove that it's not happening.

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Cos Isis recruit people from here to go and fight in Syria,

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to go and fight in Iraq.

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Why would they be sending anyone?

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Do you think someone's phoning up Isis tomorrow going,

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LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "All right, mate?

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"I could nip down to London tomorrow and do a bit of terrorism.

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"Are you up for it?"

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"No, you come here!

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"Ahmed will do the terrorism!

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"Ahmed is currently clinging to a mattress

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"in the middle of the Mediterranean.

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"Ahmed will do the terrorism."

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"It's no bother, mate. I can get a day return on the Megabus."

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"No! You come here,

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"through several strict border and security checks.

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"Ahmed will do the terrorism.

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"Ahmed is currently on a raft made out of old 7 Up bottles.

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"He's fighting off sharks with a Vileda SuperMop.

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"Ahmed is our top agent and it's vital that he spends

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"the next five years in a refugee camp,

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"living out a real-life version of The Hunger Games,

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"where the first prize is a sandwich."

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I should point out - Americans do need to worry about refugees.

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Americans do need to worry.

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Cos a refugee in America might get involved in a mass shooting,

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just to try and fit in.

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I honestly think there'll be peace in the Middle East

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once the oil runs out.

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Although, knowing their luck, someone will invent a replacement

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that involves mixing sand with falafel.

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My family, for generations before me, they were sheep farmers.

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Shepherds, really.

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And I kind of think I'm a bit like that.

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I like being on my own, like walks,

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and I make my living controlling large crowds of stupid animals.

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Do you know the job I would've liked to have?

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I would've liked to have worked on a bin lorry.

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That's the one job where you can really shout your head off

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all day long.

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SHOUTING: "Is that a bin over there?

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"Bring it over here, put it in the bin lorry.

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"There's another bin.

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"I'll get it. I'll bring it up to the bin lorry.

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"I'll drive the bin lorry forward a bit.

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"You get the bins."

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They could do that job in complete silence, couldn't they?

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Just have a wee meeting at the start of the shift every day.

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"OK, let's agree that when we're out there today,

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"we're going to pick up all the bins.

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"Put them in the bin lorry."

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I'd have liked to be a doctor.

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I think that a sense of humour goes a long way as a doctor.

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"What do you mean, you want a second opinion?

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"You've already had one. He said it was Alzheimer's as well."

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I don't like celebrity atheists.

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I don't trust them. I am an atheist.

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I was a very bad Catholic,

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unless you include my attitude to condoms,

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in which case I was an absolutely amazing Catholic.

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Cos religions have done good things.

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The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War.

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Liberation theology in Central America,

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those people all got killed.

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They got killed for standing up for poor people.

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And what's the reward?

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To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.

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I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist

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when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.

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APPLAUSE

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I was walking down the street today and I saw a homeless guy.

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I went to give him some money and I realised I only had a £20 note.

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I thought, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

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And I decided that I didn't,

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so I gave it to the homeless guy.

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This only happens to me in London.

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You get people who go, "Don't give them money!

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"They just spend it on beer and fags."

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I'd always assumed that they were spending it on beer and fags.

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I've never given money to a homeless guy and thought,

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"I hope he's putting that into his ISA."

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I don't trust the super-rich.

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Do you know that there are now hotels for the super-rich that

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are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow,

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that's actually a codeword?

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That's a code for a prostitute.

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Imagine that. You phone down,

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you ask for an extra pillow,

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and a prostitute turns up.

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Now you've got two prostitutes.

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And only one pillow to smother them with.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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are you ready for your first act of the evening?

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CHEERING

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She's one of our best sitcom writers.

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She's also one of our best comedians.

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Give it up and show a lot of love to Holly Walsh!

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CHEERING

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Oh, my gosh!

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So much attention!

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CHEERING

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This is unbelievable.

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I don't think you understand. In real life, I am so easily ignored.

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I was in a minicab the other day and the driver pulled over

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to pick up another fare cos he forgot I was in the back.

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I'm so socially awkward, I was like, "I don't know what to say!"

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Anyway, long story short,

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it was quite a nice walk back from Heathrow.

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So this is nice to be in a theatre. You guys fans of theatres?

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-SLIGHT CHEERING

-I love going to theatre, I love it!

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I tell you what I don't like - plays.

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Not in it for the plays.

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I love curtain calls.

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Combine my three favourite things.

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Clapping, bowing,

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and pointing smugly at corners of the room.

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Love it!

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What an awesome way to finish work, with a curtain call.

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I don't think it should just be actors who get that.

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I think everyone deserves a curtain call when they finish work.

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Like the guy who delivers your pizza, you're like,

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"Thanks a lot, mate." Take it off him, shut the door. Bing-bong.

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You're like, "Thank you." Shut the door again. Bing-bong.

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There he is again, this time holding hands

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with the entire cast of Domino's Lewisham.

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I'm a mum. I just had a baby. I like him.

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-SLIGHT CHEERING

-Thank you. Woo!

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Yeah, go me and my ovaries. Cool.

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I have a little baby. I like him. I like the baby.

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I did not like being pregnant. It was not fun being pregnant.

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I was so confused.

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Even the words they use.

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You know, like people say, "Oh, you fall pregnant."

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"She fell pregnant." I didn't fall pregnant.

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I was facedown on a futon when it happened.

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Like, I couldn't have fallen. I was already down.

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People are like, "Did you use protection?"

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Well, I had a crash mat, if that's what you mean.

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Cos that is such a personal question to ask someone,

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"When are you going to have kids, then, eh?"

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All my mum's friends. "When are you going to have kids?

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"When are you going to have kids?" So personal.

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Whenever they ask me that, I like to turn the tables.

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I was like, "I don't know. When are you going into a home?"

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Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

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But I swear I knew nothing about sex as a teenager.

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I think the closest I came to having sex at that time

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was when I was doing lengths in the local pool

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and a man accidentally butterflied over me.

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I mean, I lost my virginity so late in the end

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that when it finally happened I wasn't so much deflowered

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as dead-headed.

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But I wish I was sexually confident, like, in my 20s.

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Love to be like that. Love to have been a player.

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You know what I'm talking about? Strippers. That's...

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Weirdly, I kind of admire strippers. I would love to be like a stripper.

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I would love to just be able to stand on stage and own it.

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Like, know I was sexy.

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That would be awesome, you know?

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I would be the world's worst lap-dancer.

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I could not sit on a man's knee and not want to make giddy-up noises.

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And strip-joints, they're designed to be alluring.

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I challenge anyone in this room, even if you agree with them or not,

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to walk past a strip-joint and a bit of you is not like,

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"Oh, my God, what's happening?" Because they've got, like,

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the blacked-out windows and the bouncers on the door.

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There's always a bit of you that's like, "Oh, my God,

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"what are they doing in there?"

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And it's exactly the same feeling as when I was a kid

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and I used to walk past the school staffroom.

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You'd walk past it and you'd be like,

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"Oh, man, what is happening in there?"

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I mean, it turns out, both are full of adults

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whose lives didn't work out as planned.

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The thing I find the weirdest about strip-joints,

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if you've ever been to one, everywhere you go,

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all these big signs, "Do not touch the women.

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"Please do not touch the ladies."

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The strippers always say, "The fact that the men can't touch us,

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"that's what makes our job really empowering."

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And I always think, "Well, that's not really empowering, is it?

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"Cos that's the same rule in every other workplace in the country."

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You don't walk in a shop and it says, "Welcome to Tesco's.

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"Don't finger the staff."

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I am a terrible flirt.

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And not like, "Oh, she's a terrible flirt," but more like,

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"Did she just mention ringworm?" sort of flirt.

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Like, I didn't even realise I was going out with my husband

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for the first, like, year.

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I thought we were just friends with benefits.

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The benefits in question being Orange Wednesdays.

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I get very worried about offending people.

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I get so paranoid about saying the wrong thing, honestly.

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Like, a few months ago, like...

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Basically, it was my first night out since the baby was born

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and I had a couple of real ales. I had a glass of white wine,

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which is never a good idea.

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Honestly, I've never once drank white wine and not used the phrase,

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"Why don't you just dump me, then?"

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We were a bit... We were a bit tipsy. We'd had a couple.

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And halfway through the evening, my friend was like,

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"Oh, my God. I've just worked out who you look like," to me and I go,

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"Who?" And he goes, "You look like a young Mary Berry."

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I was like, "Fine. She's a good GILF. OK, yeah. Fine."

0:18:340:18:38

Now, the thing is my friend looks just like Denzel Washington.

0:18:390:18:42

Like, identical to Denzel Washington.

0:18:420:18:45

I was just about to tell him

0:18:450:18:46

when my stupid white middle-class brain said,

0:18:460:18:48

"You cannot tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington.

0:18:480:18:51

"You can't do that because he's going to think you're only saying

0:18:510:18:54

"Denzel Washington because they're both black

0:18:540:18:56

"and just like the Oscars, you can't think of many black actors.

0:18:560:18:59

"That's what he's going to think.

0:18:590:19:00

"He's going to think you're a massive racist.

0:19:000:19:02

"Do you want that? Huh?"

0:19:020:19:04

And then my brain went, "Yeah,

0:19:040:19:06

"but if you don't tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington,"

0:19:060:19:09

and by the way he does look a lot like Denzel Washington,

0:19:090:19:12

just the same as I look like Mary Berry,

0:19:120:19:14

and that's not racist to compare us.

0:19:140:19:15

Like, just like they do look similar,

0:19:150:19:17

"If you don't tell him he looks like Denzel Washington,

0:19:170:19:19

"then you're treating your friend differently

0:19:190:19:21

"because of the colour of his skin

0:19:210:19:23

"and that does make you a massive racist."

0:19:230:19:25

And I was like, "Besides, Denzel Washington is super hot."

0:19:270:19:31

Like, I remember, as a teenager,

0:19:310:19:32

I watched Pelican Brief for the first time,

0:19:320:19:34

I had a very vivid sex-dream that Denzel butterflied over me.

0:19:340:19:38

So I said to my friend, because I thought in my head,

0:19:430:19:45

"Cos I'm not a racist,

0:19:450:19:47

"I'm just going to tell him he looks like Denzel."

0:19:470:19:48

So I said, "Wow. Well,

0:19:480:19:50

"I've always thought you looked like Denzel Washington."

0:19:500:19:52

My friend then looked at me like a little bit confused and he went,

0:19:520:19:56

"That's so weird

0:19:560:19:57

"cos a lot of people say I look like Laurence Fishburne."

0:19:570:20:01

And I was like, "Oh, that's who I meant.

0:20:010:20:04

Of course, it's the guy out of Fresh Prince. I am such a dick.

0:20:090:20:13

Anyway, you have been absolutely lovely.

0:20:150:20:17

Thank you so much. Goodnight!

0:20:170:20:19

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:190:20:23

Holly Walsh, ladies and gentlemen! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:280:20:31

Are you ready for your second act of the evening?

0:20:310:20:34

CHEERING

0:20:340:20:37

He's a very funny guy and a good friend of mine.

0:20:370:20:39

I just want you to show him a lot of love.

0:20:390:20:41

Please give it up for Mr Jack Carroll!

0:20:410:20:44

APPLAUSE

0:20:440:20:46

Hello, Live At The Apollo!

0:21:040:21:07

CHEERING

0:21:070:21:08

Wow.

0:21:080:21:10

I can see a few of you in the audience are struggling to place me.

0:21:100:21:15

"Was he on the Paralympics?" No, that's not me.

0:21:150:21:18

"Was he on Undateables, is it?" It's not...

0:21:190:21:23

It's not me.

0:21:250:21:26

"Does he present Bake Off?"

0:21:270:21:29

APPLAUSE

0:21:320:21:34

It's not me.

0:21:380:21:40

I was actually a contestant on Britain's Got Talent.

0:21:400:21:44

A few of you have twigged.

0:21:440:21:45

I was that dog, so...

0:21:450:21:47

It's lovely to be here.

0:21:490:21:50

My mum calls me her little Superman.

0:21:500:21:53

I was over the moon,

0:21:530:21:54

until I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.

0:21:540:21:57

It is lovely to be out of the house, London,

0:22:000:22:02

cos I don't know about you,

0:22:020:22:03

but my family are glued to that black box in the corner of the room.

0:22:030:22:07

I mean, my grandma's been dead for months now.

0:22:070:22:10

All joking aside, we do watch quite a lot of telly in our house.

0:22:120:22:16

I was watching an episode of daytime cookery show

0:22:160:22:19

The Hairy Bikers recently,

0:22:190:22:22

where the Hairy Bikers walked around Auschwitz

0:22:220:22:26

and then made a goulash.

0:22:260:22:28

Now, let's just examine that for a second.

0:22:320:22:39

Who, after walking round Auschwitz and having their eyes opened

0:22:390:22:45

to the full extent of human depravity, goes,

0:22:450:22:49

"Well, I'm a bit peckish.

0:22:490:22:52

"I fancy a goulash."

0:22:520:22:54

What's next? Cash In The Attic at the Anne Frank Museum?

0:22:550:22:58

I, erm... I've recently started swimming again.

0:23:030:23:06

And I love the swimming pool because in there

0:23:060:23:08

I can do my two favourite things,

0:23:080:23:10

urinate in public and drown people.

0:23:100:23:12

My swimming stroke would best be described as how you might look

0:23:160:23:20

if you dropped a toaster in the bath.

0:23:200:23:23

The one... The one positive to

0:23:270:23:29

having such an eclectic swimming stroke

0:23:290:23:31

is that you have to command your lane in the swimming pool.

0:23:310:23:35

You can't take any prisoners.

0:23:350:23:36

And because my swimming stroke is so lethal, it's fantastic for that.

0:23:360:23:41

I mean, I've knocked out four old women this week.

0:23:410:23:45

And that's just on land.

0:23:450:23:47

I also recently went skiing.

0:23:490:23:52

It takes a couple of seconds to compute that sentence

0:23:540:23:57

in relation to this thing, don't it?

0:23:570:24:00

I can see a few of you thinking,

0:24:000:24:01

"Can Northerners go skiing?"

0:24:010:24:03

APPLAUSE

0:24:050:24:08

We can.

0:24:120:24:13

Although my skiing instructor had much the same reaction as you guys

0:24:130:24:17

when I rocked up in the frame. He was like, "What, you?

0:24:170:24:21

"Really? Does he know he's disabled?

0:24:210:24:24

"Has anyone...

0:24:240:24:26

"sat him down and told him?"

0:24:260:24:27

"Well, they're not going to stand him up, are they?

0:24:270:24:30

"That would be counter-productive."

0:24:300:24:33

But I did. I skied, stood up, successfully.

0:24:330:24:37

And most people, if they were in my situation and that happened to them,

0:24:370:24:41

would think, as the wind was flowing through their hair

0:24:410:24:43

and the snow was crunching underneath their feet,

0:24:430:24:46

they would think, "What a fantastic achievement that is,

0:24:460:24:49

"against all the odds."

0:24:490:24:51

I thought, "Oh, shit. I'm going to lose some benefits."

0:24:510:24:54

I just had to just throw myself over...

0:24:570:24:59

..in case the Government were watching.

0:25:010:25:04

Better safe than sorry.

0:25:040:25:06

It's lovely to be here. In my time in London,

0:25:070:25:11

I have actually picked up a few London phrases

0:25:110:25:14

that seem to act as kryptonite to Northerners such as myself.

0:25:140:25:18

I'm going to reel a few of these off now.

0:25:180:25:19

London phrases that act as kryptonite to Northerners.

0:25:190:25:23

Number one -

0:25:230:25:24

"What's a Greggs?"

0:25:240:25:26

Number two -

0:25:320:25:33

"£5 is actually pretty reasonable for a pint."

0:25:330:25:36

APPLAUSE

0:25:390:25:43

Number three -

0:25:430:25:44

"Siri understands every word I sa-ay."

0:25:440:25:47

Number four -

0:25:510:25:53

"Actually, it's not OK to hit your kids."

0:25:530:25:56

Bloody Londoners and your new-fangled attitudes

0:25:580:26:00

towards parenting. What are you like?

0:26:000:26:02

I, erm... I was in London recently and, on a side note,

0:26:030:26:09

if you're trying to get a taxi in central London,

0:26:090:26:12

maybe don't use a walking frame?

0:26:120:26:15

I was trying to hail a cab in central London the other day

0:26:150:26:18

and all the taxis just turned their lights off in a big row.

0:26:180:26:20

Just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

0:26:200:26:23

It felt like being the Yorkshire Ripper on an episode of Take Me Out.

0:26:230:26:27

Well, I am going to go in just a second.

0:26:290:26:32

But before I do, I would very much...

0:26:320:26:34

You seem like a lovely crowd

0:26:340:26:35

and I would very much like to try something with you.

0:26:350:26:38

Is that something you might be up for?

0:26:380:26:39

-CHEERING

-Lovely.

0:26:390:26:41

You've agreed to it now, that's a verbal contract so...

0:26:410:26:45

A little bit of background.

0:26:450:26:47

In my spare time,

0:26:470:26:49

I like to watch videos of American faith healers on YouTube.

0:26:490:26:53

Now...

0:26:530:26:55

You've got to have a hobby.

0:26:570:26:59

These guys, what they do is, if you haven't seen them,

0:27:000:27:04

they are American reverends who reckon they can cure

0:27:040:27:07

pretty much any ailment, right?

0:27:070:27:10

And I've picked up a few tips and tricks that I would like

0:27:100:27:13

to put to the test here this evening.

0:27:130:27:15

But I am going to need your help.

0:27:150:27:16

So, what I want you to do, on the count of three,

0:27:160:27:20

is get up out of your seat, raise your hands to the sky

0:27:200:27:24

and begin to chant, "Praise, praise, praise."

0:27:240:27:29

And I am going to see whether I can get myself into this sacred state

0:27:290:27:33

and heal myself, OK?

0:27:330:27:34

Are you ready for that? On the count of three.

0:27:340:27:36

One, two, three. Up, up.

0:27:360:27:38

-AUDIENCE:

-Praise!

-Praise, praise, praise.

0:27:380:27:42

Praise, praise, praise.

0:27:420:27:44

Praise, praise, praise.

0:27:440:27:46

Praise, praise, praise.

0:27:460:27:48

-Hallelujah! It's a miracle!

-CHEERING

0:27:480:27:51

Yes! We did it!

0:27:520:27:56

Yes!

0:27:560:27:57

Praise be!

0:27:570:27:59

APPLAUSE

0:27:590:28:01

Yes!

0:28:040:28:06

Shit, is that someone from the Benefits Office?

0:28:060:28:08

Right, well...

0:28:080:28:10

I'd better be going.

0:28:100:28:11

Apollo, you have been absolutely beautiful.

0:28:110:28:13

I've been Jack Carroll. Goodnight and God bless.

0:28:130:28:16

-Forever onwards towards victory.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:160:28:20

Jack Carroll, ladies and gentlemen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:300:28:34

Our thanks to Jack Carroll, our thanks to Holly Walsh.

0:28:360:28:39

Take care of yourselves. All the best.

0:28:390:28:41

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:410:28:43

In the fifth episode, Glaswegian comedy giant Frankie Boyle is your host as he introduces young stand-up sensation Jack Carroll and the wonderful Holly Walsh to the stage.


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