Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Host Adam Hills introduces US comic Michelle Wolf and Essex-born Jamali Maddix.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight,

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Adam Hills!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: Park Life by Blur

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Hello, Apollo!

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For those of you who don't know, my hair,

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OK, I lost a bet...

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..with the British Paralympic team.

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I bet them they wouldn't win more medals

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than the Australian Paralympic team.

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They did.

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I now have a Union Jack on my head.

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CHEERING

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I said if they won the bet, I would paint a Union Jack on my head.

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They won the bet, so...

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CHEERING

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I know. I look like Nigel Farage's wet dream.

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It's appalling. People have asked me how long I'm going to keep it.

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The answer is, until I have to do a show in Belfast.

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Before I go any further, I do have to point out

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there is a bit of weirdness going on

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at the bottom of my leg here.

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For those of you who don't know, I have a prosthetic foot,

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which is no big deal.

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Normally it doesn't stick out,

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but last year I was fitted with one of those really cool blades,

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I don't know if you can see that.

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One of those running blades that they have.

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I was pretty excited by that.

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The only problem with having a blade is,

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when you tell people you've got a blade, they go...

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"Oh, you mean like...?" You go, "Yeah, him, yeah, that guy."

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That was the thing - I always hid my foot when I was a kid.

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I always kept it hidden because I didn't know anyone cool

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that looked cool with a cool prosthetic

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and then I got the chance to get a blade

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and I went, "Yeah, finally, I'm going to look cool."

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And then Oscar Pistorius fucked it up for all of us!

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Clearly, I'm the least damaged of all the people

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that he has come into contact with, but still...

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Do you know what I mean?

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Finally I get a blade and then he... Argh!

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Now I know how Charlie Chaplin felt

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when Hitler started using his tiny moustache.

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Now what I thought was going to be cool

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is just an object of ridicule and now people just make jokes.

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I go, "Oh, I've got a blade."

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They go, "Oh-ho! Better lock the bathroom door!" No way!

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Jimmy Carr, I saw Jimmy Carr a couple of weeks ago

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and I said, "Look at this, I've got a blade,"

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and he went, "Oh, South African eBay, was it?"

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You know what? I don't care what's happened, I think it looks cool.

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I'm going to own it, it sticks out the bottom of my trousers

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but I don't care, I will happily let it stick out there

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cos I think it looks cool.

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WHOOPING Yeah!

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You all say that,

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but the old lady in Basingstoke that came up to me recently after a show

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didn't think this.

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These were her exact words -

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"I know you think it looks cool...

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"..but from the audience, it just looks like one long testicle

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"is hanging down the bottom of your trousers."

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This guy here, I'm going to go for this guy here.

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How old are you there, sir?

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-I'm 50.

-50.

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All right. I'm a few years behind you,

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but I reckon we are probably at the same point in our lives,

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which is we need to start living healthier,

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but we haven't had the scare that forces us to do it yet.

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-And what's your name, sir?

-Andy.

-Andy.

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You know what turns me off being healthy?

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Talking to healthy people.

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They are the dullest human beings in any room.

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And well done, man clapping over there.

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If you're healthy, shut up, no-one needs to hear about it.

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And the thing is, I know when you're being healthy it makes you feel good

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and you want to tell everyone, but no-one needs to hear it.

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I've got friends that just go on for hours.

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"Oh, my God, Adam. All I do is eat kale and drink my own urine."

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"I don't care."

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"But I've got so much more energy than you."

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"Yeah, cos you've just drained most of mine."

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"I'm going to live ten years longer than you, Adam."

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"Yeah, but I'm going to die surrounded by friends."

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The truth is, the only reason I've started being healthy

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is cos my wife recently told me I needed to be a bit healthier.

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She didn't use those words.

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Her exact words were, "You've really let yourself go."

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Now, have you ever had that, Andy?

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Do you have a partner? You do.

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Is your partner here? She's not, she's at home?

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Has she ever said you've let yourself go?

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Yep, OK. Here's what I've learned -

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there is a right and a wrong way to respond to that

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and the words are exactly the same for the right and wrong way,

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it's just the inflection you use that makes them right or wrong.

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I'll show you what I mean, everyone. This is the right way to respond

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when your partner says, "You've really let yourself go."

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"Yeah.

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"Yeah, I've really let myself go."

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This is the wrong way to respond.

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"Yeah(!) I've really let MYSELF go!"

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APPLAUSE

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Can you see the difference there? It's slight.

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Yeah. It's tough times,

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tough times in our house at the moment,

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since I first started doing that joke.

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I've got two kids.

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I was not ready for the strain it puts on a relationship

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and part of it comes down to who is in charge,

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because I like to help out.

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My wife has her way of doing things and I've got my way of doing things

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and when those things are different,

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who is right and who's wrong and who has final say?

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I don't know who to talk to about this.

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I grew up in the '70s, when dads weren't hands-on

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but entertainers were, so...

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Hey...

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All I'm saying is it's good to see an Australian one-legged entertainer

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with an extra one doing well in Britain.

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So it's this weird thing -

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my wife and I, and I know all parents do this,

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we'll clash over who is right and who is wrong and every now and then,

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I see a single parent on the street

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and look at them struggling with three kids and think, "Oh, my God!

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"It must be so much easier without someone telling you

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"you're doing it wrong!"

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Are there any single parents here tonight?

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Yes. Down here, you are, ma'am.

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Single parents are absolute heroes and I genuinely believe this.

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I want to apologise for everything I ever thought about single parents

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cos I used to look at single parents on the street

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yelling at their kids - and I know this is wrong -

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I used to look at them and go, "Oh, my God,

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"no wonder you're single!"

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I know this is wrong. "You're an arsehole!"

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Now, I look at single parents on the street and go, "Oh, my God,

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"children turned you into an arsehole."

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I remember sitting in a cafe in the middle of England,

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I was doing a show and it was the afternoon

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and I was having a nice cup of tea

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and I remember watching this woman...

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This is how much my views on the world have changed.

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I remember watched this woman walking across the street

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and she had three bags of shopping

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and her son's schoolbag and he was about seven

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and she was walking across a zebra crossing

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and this is how he was walking.

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She was walking across. He was doing this. He was going...

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..landing on each white line as he went.

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I was watching him thinking, "Yeah, you embrace life, kid,

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"you embrace life,"

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and his mum turned to him and just went, "Oh, walk sensibly."

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I remember sitting there thinking, "You bitch.

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"You absolute bitch.

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"That kid is seven, he is turning crossing the road into an adventure,

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"he is living every second of life and making everything fun,

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"leave him alone.

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"Let him have his childhood."

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But now that I've got kids...

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..I want to go back to that moment

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and I want to walk up to them and look at the kid and go,

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"Walk sensibly, you little shit!

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"Your mum's got three bags of shopping and your schoolbag,

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"you're lucky she hasn't pushed you under a truck, you little arsehole!"

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Because I'm amazed...

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My wife looks after our kids when I'm away and she is awesome,

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she's so good at it.

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I can do it for about four days

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but then I start talking like an arsehole.

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If I've got my kids for more than four days,

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you will see me down at the local park just going,

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"Darren, Darren, Darren!

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"Darren! Darren!

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"Darren, Darren, Darren!

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"Darren! Darren!

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"Darren! Darren! DARREN!

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"Let your brother drink some of the Diet Coke!"

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And we've got two girls, so I don't even know who Darren is.

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It is tough times.

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Single parents, I genuinely believe you're absolute heroes.

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Gay people, I'm not sure they should be allowed to adopt children.

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Now... SCATTERED GASPS

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I'm kidding!

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It's a joke!

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I'm not saying that in case you're offended.

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You'll work out soon that I am kidding and you will be fine.

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I say that in case you agree with me,

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and no-one needs that in a room.

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Let me explain, because I've got a prosthetic foot.

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That prosthetic foot throws my knees out,

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throws my hips out, it throws my spine out.

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It means, basically, I have physio once a week.

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What I'm trying to say is, if you've got one leg,

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you will end up with a bad back.

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That's just the way of the world - one leg, bad back.

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That's why pirates used to go, "Arrrgh!"

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Honestly, two-legged pirates spoke normally.

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IN PLUMMY VOICE: "I say, Nigel, shall we go looting today?"

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"What a fabulous idea."

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"Oh, look, here comes One-Legged Barry."

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IN PIRATE VOICE: "Argh, me back! Jesus!

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"If only there was some exercise I could do,

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"some Pilates of the Caribbean."

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So - thank you.

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Now, my physio's name is Josh. Not Josh Widdicombe,

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that would be a weird physio.

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AS JOSH WIDDICOMBE: "I'm in Pret-a-Manger!"

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APPLAUSE

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I have an Australian physio and his name is Josh and Josh is gay.

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Now, Josh and his husband have got three girls

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the same age as my girls,

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so we talk and we have discussions about parenting

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and about all sorts of stuff.

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After a while, I felt comfortable enough that I could say to Josh,

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"I've got to ask you a question,

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"please don't think this is offensive, but...

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"Who's in charge?" He said, "What do you mean?"

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I said, "Well, when it's two dads, who's in charge?"

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"Neither of us are in charge.

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I said, "Who looks after the kids the majority of the time?"

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He said, "Neither, we split it 50-50."

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I went, "Yeah, but who has final say?"

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He said, "Neither of us have final say."

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I said, "How do you settle arguments over what is right for the kids?"

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He said, "Simple - if my husband and I

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"disagree on what right for the children, here's what we do.

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"We both sit down over the dinner table,

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"he puts forward his opinion, I put forward my opinion,

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"we have a rational discussion,

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"we come to a mutually agreed solution,

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"and that's how we move forward."

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That is not natural.

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I'm sorry. I don't know if you know.

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Have you got kids? You know how it works, then, ma'am.

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You put forward your opinion, he puts forward his opinion,

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then you discount his opinion

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cos he didn't squeeze a child OUT OF HIS VAGINA!

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I mean, sorry, it is the most amazing thing

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I've ever seen my wife do, and she has done some amazing shit,

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but I'm allowed to have an opinion occasionally, aren't I?

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Why doesn't anyone tell you that?

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Cos I read all the books.

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I read Baby Love, I read The Baby Whisperer,

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I read the Shawshank Baby...

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Don't put a poster on their wall, you'll never see them.

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I read all the books.

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Not one of them said, "Just shut up, mate, just shut up!"

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So I would try and give opinions. I'd walk in and look at my wife,

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and go, "You know what I think we should do for the girls?"

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She'd look at me like,

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"Oh, you are going to finish that sentence, are you?"

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Then I'd falter, my voice would go...

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VOICE WOBBLING: "I just thought, maybe the right thing to do..."

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Then she'd stare me down and I'd go, "No, you're right, honey.

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"Rub cocaine on their gums, that'll put them to sleep.

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"I don't know what I was thinking."

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Oh, my God! I was not ready to not be in charge of something.

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Here's the worst thing, though -

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I said all this to my physio while he's working on me, and he paused

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and he said, "Do you know what I think you should do?"

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"What?" He said, "You should do with your wife

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"what I do with my husband."

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"I'm not entirely sure she'd be up for that, Josh."

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He said, "No, no, here's what I do with my husband.

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"I keep a list of all the things he says we should do for the girls,

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"and then he does the opposite.

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"I write them down in a list.

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"I call it Steven's Double Standard List.

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"Every Sunday night, I read them out to him over the dinner table.

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"You should do that with your wife."

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Are you kidding me?

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Oskar Schindler wouldn't make that list!

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And, look, I love my wife, she is absolutely amazing.

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She's brilliant, she is absolutely amazing,

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but she came and saw me talk about this one night and she said,

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"Why are you saying all that on stage?"

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And my honest response was, "Cos I need to tell someone!"

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All right, ladies and gentlemen.

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Are you ready for your first act of the show?

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WHOOPING Such an amazing show.

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I'm so excited to see this first act on stage.

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I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival this year

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and I heard that this woman was the person to go see at Montreal,

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but my show was on at the same time as her.

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Then I had one night at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,

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I tried to buy a ticket to her show and it was genuinely sold out.

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This is my first chance I've ever got to see her as well.

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Would you please welcome to the stage,

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all the way from the United States of America,

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Michelle Wolf!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I've never had an entrance make me feel like a magician before.

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I am very excited to be here in London.

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This is exciting for me.

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I was kind of embarrassed about what was happening back home in America,

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and then I saw what was happening here and I was like, "Hey,

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"you guys are falling apart too!"

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I really, I truly feel bad for Hillary Clinton

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because no-one likes her.

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Like, I voted for her, but I don't like her.

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Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party, I'd be like,

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"I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom."

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And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I'd be like,

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"I'm sorry, I have to use the men's room.

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"I just made a life choice."

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But you shouldn't like Hillary.

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She is a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful.

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We're never going to have a nice lady run for president.

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You guys had Margaret Thatcher.

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You didn't call her the Nice Lady.

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You called the Iron Lady.

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I don't think that's a word you'd use to describe someone

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that's fun to hang out with.

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We're never going to have a nice lady,

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we're never going to have a woman that's like,

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"Um, I'd like to be president...

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"I was a sociology major,

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"and I was in a sorority.

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"And I love brunch.

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"You can check out my policies on my Pinterest page."

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People say you can't make fun of what she wears

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because she's a woman.

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I think you can because it's fun to do.

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Why are her jackets so big?

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If any male candidate dressed like her, we would be like,

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"Why are you dressing like Kim Jong-Un?"

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Be a shape.

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Why are your jackets so big? What are you hiding under there?

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Is that where all of your e-mails are?

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But that's the thing,

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we are supposed to care so much about our bodies as women, you know?

0:15:310:15:34

There are even campaigns that we should love our bodies

0:15:340:15:36

and be confident in our bodies.

0:15:360:15:38

Or...we could just stop caring about it.

0:15:380:15:41

Because you know who doesn't care about their bodies?

0:15:410:15:43

Men.

0:15:430:15:45

You know what men are? Successful.

0:15:450:15:49

Men are presidents, men are CEOs.

0:15:490:15:51

You've never heard a CEO go,

0:15:510:15:52

"I want to get profits up, keep costs down,

0:15:520:15:55

"and love me for me."

0:15:550:15:56

"3pm, we're going to have a meeting about how I can accept the fact

0:15:590:16:02

"that I have my mother's thighs."

0:16:020:16:05

Do you know who should care about their bodies?

0:16:050:16:07

Men! You have weird bodies, men. You're gross.

0:16:070:16:11

Your balls are gross.

0:16:120:16:15

I've seen anyone go like,

0:16:160:16:17

"Oh, I can't wait to get his pants off

0:16:170:16:19

"and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs."

0:16:190:16:22

What is it?

0:16:230:16:24

It's like when you go to a haunted house

0:16:250:16:27

and you stick your hand in a jar - you're like, "Please be grapes".

0:16:270:16:30

Balls seem like a real God whoopsie.

0:16:320:16:35

Like when you're putting together furniture

0:16:350:16:37

and you've got a couple of leftover screws,

0:16:370:16:39

and you're like, "Well, those were supposed to go somewhere.

0:16:390:16:42

"I guess I'll hang them from a satchel."

0:16:420:16:44

Even the name sounds like a mistake.

0:16:460:16:47

"What are you going to call them?" "Scrotum." "OK."

0:16:470:16:50

This is how you know that God didn't care about balls at all.

0:16:520:16:55

Everything else important, he covered in bone.

0:16:550:16:57

Balls, he was like, "Let 'em fly!"

0:16:570:16:58

You are so lucky we get our faces near them.

0:17:020:17:06

If a woman puts your balls in her mouth,

0:17:060:17:08

you should pay her a lot of money.

0:17:080:17:10

And not in like a prostitute way,

0:17:120:17:14

in like a "I don't know how else to say thank you.

0:17:140:17:18

"This is a very nice thing you just did to me.

0:17:180:17:21

"And you didn't get any pleasure out of it."

0:17:210:17:24

There's not a single woman that's like,

0:17:240:17:26

"That's what does it for me."

0:17:260:17:28

"You are more of a saint than Mother Teresa for that."

0:17:280:17:31

There's no way she ever did it.

0:17:310:17:33

I get one wrinkle, my career is over.

0:17:350:17:39

I have to put paint on my face just to leave my home.

0:17:390:17:42

And you guys get to walk around

0:17:420:17:44

with those wrinkly, dangling bags of crap.

0:17:440:17:46

You should have to put make-up on them!

0:17:480:17:51

Or at the very least, googly eyes.

0:17:510:17:53

I don't know if it'd be better or worse, but it'd be fun.

0:17:550:17:58

He's happy, he's sad, he lost his boner.

0:17:580:18:01

I don't know how we ever let you guys get away

0:18:020:18:04

with calling our boobs saggy.

0:18:040:18:06

Your balls are saggy.

0:18:060:18:08

You should wear a bra.

0:18:080:18:10

And you make it fancy.

0:18:120:18:14

CHEERING

0:18:140:18:16

All those women clapping, they meant yours.

0:18:210:18:24

I don't know, I think women, we have weird priorities.

0:18:270:18:29

We care so much about our wedding.

0:18:290:18:32

We'll even say things - "I want to be a princess on my wedding day.

0:18:320:18:35

"I'm going to be a princess.

0:18:350:18:36

"I'm a grown adult woman who would like to be a princess."

0:18:360:18:41

I'm like, "All right, you want to be a princess?

0:18:420:18:44

"Then I'm going to make you marry a man you've never met

0:18:440:18:46

"in order to secure a French alliance.

0:18:460:18:48

"And guess what, princess? He's not going to love you.

0:18:490:18:52

"Your parents wished you were a boy.

0:18:520:18:55

"Happy wedding day, princess."

0:18:550:18:57

And we'll say things like, "It's my day, it's my special day."

0:18:590:19:03

I don't think you can call it your day if your dad is paying for it.

0:19:030:19:06

I think it's his day, and I think it's a really weird day for him.

0:19:080:19:11

I think he's paying a tonne of money

0:19:130:19:15

to make sure a man has sex with you that night.

0:19:150:19:17

I think he's literally walking you down the aisle going,

0:19:190:19:22

"Here, you fuck her."

0:19:220:19:23

And, married couples, you don't sell it very well, you know?

0:19:300:19:34

You hear a lot of married couples complain.

0:19:340:19:36

I think you hear more men complain about it than women,

0:19:360:19:38

but, men, you've got weird complaints about marriage.

0:19:380:19:41

Your say things like, "She won't let me keep my shirts."

0:19:410:19:44

And it's like, "Well, just hold them up here!

0:19:440:19:48

"You're taller than her."

0:19:480:19:50

And if you're not taller than her,

0:19:500:19:51

you're not complaining about anything,

0:19:510:19:53

you're just happy to be there.

0:19:530:19:54

We should date shorter guys more often, they're really nice.

0:19:570:20:00

The only problem is a lot of times when you go for walks,

0:20:000:20:02

you have to be like, "All right, speed up, little buddy.

0:20:020:20:06

"Move those little guys."

0:20:060:20:07

I'll tell you a tiny secret.

0:20:080:20:10

The real reason I want Hillary Clinton to be president

0:20:100:20:14

is because I want Bill Clinton to be the first gentleman.

0:20:140:20:18

Mostly because the spouse of the president

0:20:180:20:20

is the one who sometimes gives tours of the White House,

0:20:200:20:24

and I would love to see Bill be like, "These are our drapes.

0:20:240:20:28

"As you can see, they are navy.

0:20:300:20:32

"But if you shine a black light on them, boy, do they glow!"

0:20:330:20:36

Oh, man.

0:20:430:20:45

"If these walls could talk,

0:20:450:20:46

"that means they'd have mouths and I'd put my penis in them."

0:20:460:20:49

Every time he bit his lip from behind a podium,

0:20:530:20:56

I thought he was trying to get rid of a boner.

0:20:560:20:58

Like...

0:20:580:21:01

"Hillary, Hillary, Hillary."

0:21:010:21:03

Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Michelle Wolf!

0:21:050:21:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:060:21:09

Ladies and gentlemen, how good was Michelle Wolf?

0:21:160:21:19

CHEERING

0:21:190:21:21

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of the night?

0:21:230:21:27

He is one of Britain's best up-and-coming comedians.

0:21:270:21:29

He is the award-winning Jamali Maddix!

0:21:290:21:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:330:21:36

What's up?

0:21:400:21:42

Yes! All right, yes, yes.

0:21:420:21:45

Shit's about to get real, son.

0:21:450:21:47

Right, OK.

0:21:470:21:48

How is everyone doing?

0:21:480:21:50

WHOOPING

0:21:500:21:51

I'm happy to be here, man.

0:21:510:21:52

This is cool, man. This is fancy!

0:21:520:21:54

This is fancy. So fancy, I even ironed my T-shirt,

0:21:540:21:57

that's how you know it's fancy.

0:21:570:21:59

I'm trying to be more fancy now.

0:21:590:22:01

That's my thing, I'm trying to be more fancy,

0:22:010:22:03

so I started wearing glasses.

0:22:030:22:04

I'm like, "Boom," face fancy now since I started wearing glasses.

0:22:040:22:07

My mum actually said to me that with these glasses and beard combination,

0:22:070:22:12

that I looked like a guy in prison

0:22:120:22:14

who reads.

0:22:140:22:15

Yeah? "I'm just trying to do my time, bro, you know?

0:22:150:22:19

"Waiting for that parole meeting."

0:22:190:22:22

What are we going to talk about? Let's keep it light-hearted.

0:22:220:22:25

-Let's talk about race relations.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:250:22:28

I know... I can see you're uncomfortable.

0:22:280:22:30

I don't want to talk about it either, but I have to, OK?

0:22:300:22:33

I have to. OK?

0:22:330:22:34

Cos race is awkward, OK?

0:22:340:22:37

I know it, race makes me awkward too.

0:22:370:22:38

Look, man, look, I ain't proud of this, OK,

0:22:380:22:42

but what is racism if I can't say it in a room full of white people?

0:22:420:22:45

Check it out, right. I'm doing this gig the other day, right.

0:22:450:22:48

It's an all-white audience,

0:22:480:22:50

and I start doing a routine about how people think

0:22:500:22:53

I look like a terrorist, right?

0:22:530:22:55

Cos you know I have a beard, people are pricks, right?

0:22:550:22:58

So I'm doing the routine and people started getting upset at me, right?

0:22:580:23:01

So I carry on, cos I'm no quitter, right?

0:23:010:23:03

So I just carry on doing the routine,

0:23:030:23:05

and one woman stands up and says, "Just get over it!"

0:23:050:23:09

And I go, "What the hell?!"

0:23:090:23:11

I get pissed off.

0:23:110:23:12

You know, I start talking about white privilege,

0:23:120:23:15

and how she don't understand what it's like for people

0:23:150:23:19

to think that you are a terrorist.

0:23:190:23:20

Then halfway through the rant,

0:23:200:23:22

I realised I was in Northern Ireland.

0:23:220:23:25

Yeah, I messed up. Know what I'm saying, man?

0:23:270:23:29

I forgot there were different types of white people,

0:23:290:23:31

I'm not going to lie to you.

0:23:310:23:33

I should have saved my race card for later.

0:23:340:23:36

You know what I'm saying? I forgot about that rare white man struggle.

0:23:360:23:40

My family are crazy, man.

0:23:420:23:43

There's one guy I like in my family, though, one guy I love to bits.

0:23:430:23:46

He's my grandad. He's a cool guy.

0:23:460:23:48

He's old as shit, nearly dead, he's like 70.

0:23:480:23:50

Old. Old, man.

0:23:500:23:51

I love him, right.

0:23:510:23:53

Because he was like a train driver for 50 years, right?

0:23:530:23:55

Never took a day off, we don't do that, right?

0:23:550:23:57

Still wears a union badge.

0:23:570:23:59

"I'm going to go on strike, Jamali."

0:23:590:24:02

"Strike on what? The gardening? Go shut up."

0:24:020:24:05

I swear to God, he was such a socialist

0:24:050:24:07

that he still wakes up in the middle of the night

0:24:070:24:09

angry at Margaret Thatcher.

0:24:090:24:11

That's how deep it is.

0:24:110:24:12

"She stole the milk, Jamali, she stole the milk."

0:24:120:24:17

It's weird how your family

0:24:170:24:18

can influence your ideas and your decisions.

0:24:180:24:20

It's weird, right? Cos looking at my grandad, right,

0:24:200:24:23

it kind of made me happy politically that we left the EU.

0:24:230:24:27

Relax, you hippies. I voted Remain.

0:24:270:24:30

I want to put it out there before you lynch me, right.

0:24:300:24:32

I voted Remain! I did, right.

0:24:320:24:33

But there's only one reason I'm happy we left the EU, right.

0:24:330:24:36

Because I've been saying this thing for a long time,

0:24:360:24:38

and everyone thought I was an arsehole for saying it,

0:24:380:24:41

but now that we've left, I think we can all agree one thing, right?

0:24:410:24:44

I think we can all agree that we need to stop old people voting.

0:24:440:24:51

-And now listen...

-WHOOPING

0:24:510:24:53

Listen! No!

0:24:530:24:55

When I say old people, I do not mean a crazy age.

0:24:570:25:00

I think the voting age should be 17 to 50.

0:25:000:25:04

51 if you are not a prick.

0:25:040:25:06

Like, I think that's a good age. I can see some old...

0:25:060:25:08

Look at Old School right there. He's hating it right now.

0:25:080:25:11

He's like, "I want to vote."

0:25:110:25:12

Listen, are you looking for a mortgage?

0:25:120:25:14

No. So why are you still voting?!

0:25:140:25:17

-You don't understand!

-CHEERING

0:25:170:25:19

Why should you decide if we do poppers?

0:25:230:25:25

When was the last time you had a party?

0:25:250:25:29

But I like getting older. Don't we like getting older, Old School?

0:25:290:25:31

We love it, don't we? We love getting older

0:25:310:25:33

cos as you get older, you start to accept stuff about yourself.

0:25:330:25:36

You do, you have to.

0:25:360:25:38

Like, it took me 25 years to realise that this is my face.

0:25:380:25:44

This ain't getting any better, man. Cos when I was younger,

0:25:440:25:47

I always wanted to be better-looking, you know?

0:25:470:25:49

I didn't mean crazy good-looking,

0:25:490:25:51

I just wanted to be good-looking enough to cheat, right?

0:25:510:25:55

No, hear me out. I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.

0:25:570:25:59

I love my girlfriend.

0:25:590:26:01

Sometimes, OK?

0:26:010:26:03

I need something to say in the argument

0:26:030:26:05

that sounds believable once in a while.

0:26:050:26:07

Look, I have Tinder,

0:26:070:26:09

and my girlfriend knows I have Tinder,

0:26:090:26:12

and doesn't even care.

0:26:120:26:13

She doesn't care! She's like, "Good luck!"

0:26:130:26:16

You know?

0:26:160:26:18

She doesn't respect my facial abilities.

0:26:180:26:20

And Tinder is disgusting, but amazing at the same time.

0:26:210:26:24

I love it, I hate it, I don't know.

0:26:240:26:26

I don't know. Tinder is great.

0:26:280:26:29

What I love about Tinder is it will make you realise

0:26:290:26:32

some social stuff about people, you know?

0:26:320:26:34

Like, I was on Tinder the other day and I'm flicking through the profiles

0:26:340:26:37

-cos I'm a scumbag.

-HE CLICKS TONGUE

0:26:370:26:39

I start flicking through the profiles

0:26:390:26:41

and I see one profile, right,

0:26:410:26:42

and every picture was just a lady with her titties out.

0:26:420:26:46

-Just...

-HE MAKES POPPING SOUND

0:26:460:26:47

That's what titties sound like in my head, cos I'm 12 -

0:26:470:26:49

deal with it, what are you going to do?

0:26:490:26:51

-She has her titties out...

-POPPING

0:26:510:26:53

..and in the description, it just said, "Any dick, any time."

0:26:530:26:57

And I was like, "Wow!

0:26:570:26:58

"All right, you know your market, I like it," right?

0:26:580:27:03

I showed my girlfriend the profile.

0:27:030:27:04

My girlfriend looks at the profile and goes, "Oh, my God!

0:27:040:27:08

"What a whore!"

0:27:080:27:10

I said, "What, babe? No.

0:27:100:27:12

"There is too much slut-shaming in this world.

0:27:120:27:14

"She is no ho, she is a revolutionary."

0:27:140:27:17

Confusing, right?

0:27:180:27:20

I'll explain to you why. You've got to understand,

0:27:200:27:22

everything in this world has a price.

0:27:220:27:24

Everyone and everything has a price.

0:27:240:27:25

In this world, where everything has a price,

0:27:250:27:29

the price of vagina is very high, OK?

0:27:290:27:33

Listen, if it was on the stock market,

0:27:330:27:35

it would be oil and gold, right?

0:27:350:27:37

But, listen, I ain't just giving women no number.

0:27:370:27:39

Men, we have a number as well.

0:27:390:27:41

But we got dick, and dick ain't worth shit.

0:27:410:27:44

You know what I'm saying? You can't just have dick,

0:27:440:27:47

you got to back that up with some collateral, you know?

0:27:470:27:49

You got to have a dick and a personality.

0:27:490:27:51

Dick and a job. Dick and a life plan, right?

0:27:510:27:53

Listen, I could have a warehouse full of penis

0:27:530:27:58

and it wouldn't be worth as much as a picture of a pussy, right?

0:27:580:28:01

But, when she said "Any dick, any time,"

0:28:020:28:05

she just crashed the whole pussy economy.

0:28:050:28:07

Know what I'm saying? She made the credit crunch of vagina.

0:28:070:28:11

She gave vagina back to the working-class man.

0:28:110:28:14

She is the Karl Marx of pussy is what I'm trying to say, guys.

0:28:160:28:19

APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:21

Anyway, my name has been Jamali

0:28:240:28:26

and this has honestly been one of the favourite times in my life.

0:28:260:28:28

Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

0:28:280:28:30

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:300:28:32

Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix!

0:28:360:28:38

CHEERING

0:28:380:28:40

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have tonight for you.

0:28:410:28:43

Would you please thank Michelle Wolf and Jamali Maddix?

0:28:430:28:46

CHEERING

0:28:460:28:47

My name's Adam Hills, thank you and goodnight!

0:28:470:28:50

CHEERING

0:28:500:28:53

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