Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


Episode 3

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Gina Yashere is your host as she introduces surreal Australian comedian Sam Simmons and rising comedy star Ellie Taylor to the stage.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host for tonight -

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RAP MUSIC PLAYS

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AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS

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Hammersmith Apollo, what's happening, people?

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What's happening? AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Excellent. Good to be here at the Hammersmith Apollo.

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Live at the Apollo.

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I'm hosting this. I'M HOSTING THIS!

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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So, I'm back.

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I don't know if you guys know this, I've been working a lot abroad.

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Been in America quite a bit the last few years.

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Back and forth between England and America.

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At the moment, I'm in New York.

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It's very similar.

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New York and London are very similar.

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They're similar places, they are.

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New York is just a bigger, crazier...

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..filthier version.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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Cos New York is filthy. It's filth... It's dirty.

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It's dirty.

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It's filthy.

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It's a dirty, filthy...

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..gross...

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..dirty...

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..dirty city. It's filthy, it's dirty.

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It's dirty!

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Let me tell you how dirty it is.

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I got into a staring match with a rat on the subway.

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That's what I'm talking about. You know when you see a rat?

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I saw this big rat.

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And I was like... You know you think you can scare them away?

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I just went, "Argh!" and the rat just went, "Huh?"

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I thought, "Oh, shit, my bad, my bad."

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It's filthy!

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It's a filthy city, which is a problem for me

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cos I am very OCD. I am super OCD.

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I'm a germ-a-phobe, big-time.

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I travel a lot as a comedian, I stay in lots of different hotels

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and things and people always say to me,

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"Oh, it must be really good, staying in all these different hotels all over the world."

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No, not for me.

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I travel with my own bedsheets...

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS ..pillow and pillowcase,

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special slippers that I only wear in hotel rooms

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cos I don't want hotel floor to contaminate my floor.

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Every hotel room I stay in looks like an episode of Dexter.

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I just put plastic... Plastic.

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Plastic.

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I've seen too many of those TV shows.

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You know those science shows where they go,

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"We went into a hotel room

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"and we took a swab off the mattress...

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"..and we found blood, skin, faeces

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"and semen from a giraffe."

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I'm like, "Oh, my God, they let giraffe check into the Hilton, this is..."

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I touch nothing in a hotel room, nothing. I wipe everything down.

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I don't even touch the TV remote control in a hotel room.

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That's right, people, I don't touch it.

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I wrap it in a shower cap.

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Some of you are looking at me like, "That's a good idea."

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Yes, it is!

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The TV remote is the filthiest part of the room.

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It's filthy, it's dirty!

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It's dirty!

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I tell you why, I tell you why the remote control is the filthiest.

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A very large percentage of people that stay in hotels

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are single men.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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Let me say that again, single men!

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Travelling alone.

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All alone.

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Men alone.

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Alone, all alone.

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Alone.

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Single men alone. All alone.

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Alone.

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And what do single men do when they are all alone? Alone.

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What do you do, young man, when you are all alone?

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You... AUDIENCE CLAPS

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You...

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Alone in a room with your ten chubby little fingers, all alone.

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Don't look at her, look at me. Look at me!

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You know what you're doing!

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You're watching porn, you're having a wank,

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that's what you're doing!

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I don't know about you but I do not want to become the first woman

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in the world to become pregnant from a remote control.

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Some of you are looking at me funny.

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I'm not saying I put them inside me.

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But accidents do happen, accidents!

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I'm OCD, I'm a germ-a-phobe,

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I have a problem using public toilets.

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I can't do it, I can't do it.

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I mean, most women, we don't sit on the toilet seats anyway, do we?

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They're disgusting, they're gross, they're dirty!

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They're gross.

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And now they are coming out with this thing now where they put...

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They've got those paper toilet-seat covers.

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Have you seen these things?

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They've got these paper toilet-seat covers you can pull out and put on the toilet seat.

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But have you seen what they are made from? It is tracing paper.

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Tracing paper!

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That stuff acts like a blotter.

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You sit on that and pee, one drop of pee gets on it,

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it spreads all through the paper.

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And you get up and you've got paper stuck to your bum.

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So, we don't, we don't sit on those toilets.

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What do we do, ladies? What do we do?

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AUDIENCE MURMURS That's right, we hover, we squat.

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That's what we do.

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Did you know we do that? Your girlfriend does this.

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Look at me, sir, look at me.

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She does this. Every woman in the world - good thighs, good thighs,

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from doing this.

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That's why when she wraps her legs round your neck, you can't get out.

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Look at me, look at me!

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Squat.

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You pee, straight line, sir, straight line.

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None of this deviation stuff, straight line.

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Straight down the middle of the bowl. Squat, pee, wipe, flush.

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That's what we do, right?

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS

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Huh?

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Can you do this, men? Can you do this?

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No, only women can do this, only women,

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cos we are toilet ninjas.

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Times have changed, though, times have changed.

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You know, I'm not as young as I was.

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So my aim is not what it was.

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I don't know what's happened to my flaps.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Yes, I have sex flaps!

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I can't pee in a straight line any more.

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I've recently found myself peeing down the back of my thighs.

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And yesterday, I managed to pee on the woman in the next stall.

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A lot of anti-immigrant feeling going on around the world right now.

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I'm an immigrant to America, my mother was an immigrant from Nigeria

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to England, and I don't know if this is immigrant mentality,

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when you have kids in a different country,

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you're a lot more ambitious for your kids,

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you want your kids to do well,

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cos my mum was super ambitious for us.

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Super ambitious. Like, in an African family... Any Africans in?

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Any Africans? CHEERING

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That's just for us, white people, not you. Just for us.

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SHE LAUGHS

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African family, you've got four choices of career.

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Doctor,

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lawyer,

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engineer,

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disgrace to the family.

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My mum picked all our jobs before we were born.

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When my mum was pregnant with me, someone went up to her and went,

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"What are you having?" She was like, "I'm having a doctor."

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And that was it.

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She picked my subjects at school.

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I was going to be a doctor,

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got as far as A level biology and we had to cut open a rat.

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Remember that? You had to cut open a rat, and I just discovered

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I couldn't stand the sight of blood or anything vaguely biological,

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so I had to switch it up. I was like, "Mum..."

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I had to tell my mum the doctor thing wasn't going to work out.

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But it was all right, I said, "I'm going to be an engineer," and

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my mum was like, "Hmm, engineer, it is on the list, OK."

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And then she turns to my younger brother, "You will be the doctor!"

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That's how it ran in my family.

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She wasn't impressed when I decided to become a comedian.

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That conversation didn't go very well, cos I was an engineer,

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I worked as an engineer for years.

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I used to work for Otis, repairing lifts.

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That is what I did and my mum was proud.

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"Yes, my daughter, she is an engineer."

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And then I left that and decided to become a comedian.

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My mum was not impressed.

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She was like, "Comedy, comedy! What the hell is comedy?

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"What am I going to tell my friends in Nigeria? Hey? Hey?

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"My daughter is a clown."

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But, luckily for me, within six months of starting comedy,

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I got on this talent show called The Big, Big Talent Show,

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hosted by Jonathan Ross. I got on this show.

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So I called my mum, I was like, "Mum, I got through to this big

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"talent show, it's going to be on TV,

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"I'm through to the quarterfinals."

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My mum was like, "Oh, yeah, that's good, very good, interesting,

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"very good.

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"Call me when you get to the final.

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"I'm not interested in this quarterfinal, semifinal rubbish.

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"Call me for the final."

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So, sure enough, I got through to the final,

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filmed live on television, live.

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Jonathan Ross is hosting and my mum comes down with her entourage

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cos my mum doesn't travel without a Nigerian entourage.

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So I do my set, Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after my set

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and he sees my mum in the audience, which was not hard to spot.

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It is literally, white people, white people, white people,

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and then a bank of African royalty, just...

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LAUGHTER

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So, Jonathan points to my mum and he goes, "Is that your mum?

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"Gina's mum is in the audience?"

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And I swear to God, my mum stood up like this...

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"Yes, that is right, I am the reason the clown is here,

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"I am the reason.

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"I always knew she was going to be a clown.

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"When she was three, I bought her the big shoes."

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So my mum only comes out for the big shows.

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She only comes out for the big shows and in fact, my mum is here tonight.

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Where's my mum? Where's my mum?

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There's my mum over there. She's here.

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GINA LAUGHS

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Look at her, standing up! Look at her, there she is.

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All right, you can sit down now, Mum, you can sit down now, Mum.

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This is my show, Mum! It's my show!

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It's my show!

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GINA LAUGHS

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Yeah, you can sit down now, Mum.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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And at that point, I think it is time to bring on the first

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act of the show. Are you guys ready?

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CHEERING

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This first comedian coming on is a rising star on the comedy scene.

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She is hilarious. Give it up for the very funny Ellie Taylor.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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Hello, Apollo, are you well?

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It's amazing, this is lovely, isn't it?

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So, hello, my name's Ellie, I got married last year.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Thank you. It's lovely being married.

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Just been sort of spending the last 12 months getting used to it.

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Remembering to call myself a Mrs,

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remembering not to sleep with other people.

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Apparently, that one's quite important, apparently.

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Don't get me wrong, right, I love my husband.

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I love my husband,

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but I also love Weetabix.

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And if somebody told me that Weetabix was the only cereal

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I was allowed to eat for the rest of my life...

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Pretty sure in a few years...

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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I'd want to fuck another man.

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My wedding was quite unusual,

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cos you might not know this about me,

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I'm a full-time comedian

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but I'm also actually a part-time professional feminist icon.

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I'm in a job share with Sandi Toksvig.

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Like all feminist icons,

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I'm obviously extremely politically knowledgeable, like, loads, babe,

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so, I decided to use my wedding to investigate a political issue.

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And the political issue I decided to investigate was immigration.

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So what I did, guys, what I did, I married an immigrant.

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SHE SQUEAKS

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I know, immersive, isn't it?

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I'm basically Louis Theroux.

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It was a bit tricky at the beginning, I was like, God,

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what does it eat?

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No, don't give it milk and bread, can't have that,

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oh, no, that's hedgehogs, isn't it? As you were.

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Flat palm, flat palm.

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Now, my immigrant, he is Australian-themed.

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But they also come in other flavours, they do.

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They also come, I don't know if you know this,

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with different outfits you can change. Great fun.

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Sometimes, I put my one in a suit.

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I'm like, "Oh, smart immigrant."

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Sometimes I put him in a pair of trainers.

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"Oh, casual immigrant."

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Sometimes, I put him in a job that a British person can't or won't do.

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CHEERING

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Typical bloody immigrant!

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Get your own, there's loads of them.

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Honestly, he's probably the best accessory I've ever had,

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and I own a Taser.

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So, no, it's really nice being married.

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Cos I'm not sure about having kids right now, so it means I'm

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very aware of my contraception, so I've done all the research for you.

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So, the pill - 99% effective. Condoms - 99% effective.

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Eating a large Indian takeaway, and then going,

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"Oh, look how pregnant I look!"

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- 100% effective.

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But my view on kids actually helped me become

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a little bit of an internet sensation earlier this year.

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There was this thing on Facebook - I don't know if you saw it -

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it was called the Motherhood Challenge.

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So it's when mums were putting up five photos of themselves

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that made them proud to be a mother.

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So there'll be pictures of little Ken on the beach.

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Little Ken trying avocado for the first time.

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Little Ken asking, "What kind of a name is Ken for a toddler?"

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Lovely, lovely.

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Now, I do not have a problem with anyone being proud to be a parent.

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I just saw a lot of this stuff, thought,

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"I'm going to do the opposite." I did the Non-Motherhood Challenge.

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I posted five photos of myself that made me proud NOT to be a mother.

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Four of those were pictures of me asleep.

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APPLAUSE

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And the fifth one was of me asleep, holding a bottle of wine.

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Really, really silly, right? Whacked it up on Facebook.

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Didn't really think any more about it.

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For some reason, it went bananas, right?

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It went viral, got shared a gazillion times,

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went all the way round the world.

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At one point, I became woman of the week on a Swahili parenting blog.

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And it was really interesting,

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seeing the different responses I got back to it.

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So the first sort of people to write on my Facebook page were women,

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like me, without children, saying things like,

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"Oh, Ellie, thanks for giving us, the childless, a voice."

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I was like, "No, worries, babes, you're welcome."

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And then I got some other replies, and I've printed them out here,

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so I got some replies from some mothers,

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so that was quite interesting.

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Erm... Like this lady. We'll call her Mummy Number One.

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She said, "You don't understand what it feels like to become a mother,

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"you fucking superficial basic bitch."

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Mummy Number One!

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So maternal, isn't she(?)

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Then what happened is other childless women started

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defending me against the cross mums.

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There was this lady, piped up, very angry.

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We'll call her Outraged From Kent.

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She said, "Why is this funny?

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"Don't mock the ones who choose to be parents. Very tasteless."

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So then, an American lady came in to my rescue.

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Now, see if you can work out why I think she's American.

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-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Jesus Christ, woman!

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"No-one owes you an explanation.

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"Nobody has time for another butthurt mommy."

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Outraged From Kent comes back, rather sensibly,

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with, "What on earth is a butthurt mummy?"

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Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

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Then other cross mums started replying to me,

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but these mums were from different countries,

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so they were insulting me in different languages.

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Don't worry, guys - Facebook translates it for us,

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so we didn't miss out!

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There was this lady from Mexico.

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Now, when it says "it", I think it means "she".

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"No wonder it does not have children.

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"Look at its big teeth."

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Gracias, amigo Mexico.

0:18:580:18:59

But this is all saved, in the end,

0:19:020:19:03

by the final group who replied to me, and they made everything better.

0:19:030:19:06

They were led by a man called Alessandro.

0:19:060:19:09

And Alessandro says,

0:19:090:19:11

"As an Italian, I need to know,

0:19:110:19:16

"what kind of wine is that?"

0:19:160:19:19

APPLAUSE

0:19:200:19:23

Guys, you have been an absolute dream come true. Thank you so much.

0:19:260:19:30

I've been Ellie Taylor. Thank you.

0:19:300:19:33

APPLAUSE

0:19:330:19:35

Ellie Taylor! CHEERS

0:19:400:19:44

Are you guys ready for your next comedian?

0:19:480:19:51

CHEERS

0:19:510:19:54

This next comedian coming on is hilarious.

0:19:570:19:59

I'm looking forward to seeing him.

0:19:590:20:01

He is from Australia, and he's very, very weird.

0:20:010:20:05

Give it up for Sam Simmons!

0:20:050:20:08

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:20:080:20:12

-All right! Hello, Apollo!

-CHEERS

0:20:190:20:23

We'll address this straight away.

0:20:230:20:24

I'm well aware that I look like a Super Mario brother had sex with a

0:20:240:20:29

Spaniard at Betfred, but that's the look I'm going for tonight, people.

0:20:290:20:34

It gets worse, though. Look at this.

0:20:340:20:36

I look like, er...

0:20:380:20:40

I look like all the faces from the children's board game Guess Who?...

0:20:400:20:46

condensed into one head.

0:20:460:20:48

All right, well, enough of what my head looks like on the outside.

0:20:510:20:54

Let's see what it looks like on the inside. Let's go!

0:20:540:20:57

-RECORDED VOICE:

-Er, do you like bread?

-Yeah, bread's all right.

0:20:570:21:01

-Do you, like, fully get into it?

-Not fully.

0:21:010:21:04

-What are you talking about? What are you talking about again?

-Bread.

0:21:040:21:06

Yeah, I know bread, mate. I know bread.

0:21:060:21:09

-Oh, you know bread.

-Well, I don't know bread, but I like toast.

0:21:090:21:12

-I like toast.

-Yeah, toast is good, eh?

0:21:120:21:14

DISCO MUSIC STARTS PLAYING

0:21:140:21:16

Yeah, I, erm, fully get into bread. I like bread when I good.

0:21:160:21:20

-Er... New bread.

-What are you talking about, mate?

0:21:200:21:24

What are you going on about? What's going on?

0:21:240:21:25

-Bread.

-Yeah, I know bread!

0:21:250:21:27

What's going on with this disco music, man? What's with the music?

0:21:270:21:32

-Er, it's for the bread.

-What do you mean, "It's for the bread"?

0:21:320:21:36

Er, when you're putting on bread shoes.

0:21:360:21:38

-You should have just said, "Putting on bread shoes"!

-Er, bread shoes.

0:21:380:21:42

Oh, yeah.

0:21:430:21:45

This one's going out to all the ladies out there who like

0:21:450:21:47

to wear bread on their feet.

0:21:470:21:50

# Bread shoes

0:21:500:21:52

# Put on your bread shoes

0:21:550:21:58

APPLAUSE # Put on your bread shoes,

0:22:020:22:05

# bread shoes on your feet. #

0:22:050:22:07

-MUSIC STOPS

-Here, heads up!

0:22:150:22:17

So, that's the vibe we're going for, ladies and gentlemen. That's it.

0:22:200:22:24

-APPLAUSE

-It's niche. It's niche stuff.

0:22:240:22:27

I'm a strong flavour. I'm like the coriander of comedy. Deal with it.

0:22:270:22:31

Hey, this is a fun thing to do. This is a good,

0:22:330:22:35

fun thing to do when you get poor customer service from someone.

0:22:350:22:37

If someone's being an arsehole to you behind the counter,

0:22:370:22:40

and you go to get your change back, OK?

0:22:400:22:42

Don't go like that.

0:22:420:22:44

Just go like that.

0:22:440:22:47

40% of the time, all of the time,

0:22:470:22:49

they'll try to balance the coins on top of your hand.

0:22:490:22:52

And don't break eye contact. Just like, "Yes, yes, yes!"

0:22:520:22:56

Here's a fun thing to do next time you go to one of those shit shops

0:22:570:23:00

like Poundland, or "POUNDland", if you're in Scotland.

0:23:000:23:02

Sorry, the north.

0:23:020:23:04

They've always got shit names. You know those shit shops?

0:23:040:23:06

I call them The Shit Shop back at home.

0:23:060:23:08

They've always got stupid names, like Price Slap and Bargain Sluts.

0:23:080:23:12

Anyway...

0:23:120:23:13

Go into one of those shops,

0:23:140:23:16

and look for the most redundant item you can find.

0:23:160:23:18

It's not hard. Those shops are just full of shit you do not need.

0:23:180:23:21

Like an oven mitt/alarm clock, you know what I mean?

0:23:210:23:24

Wander on in, find something really ridiculous that you do not need.

0:23:260:23:29

Like, I went into one shop in Adelaide,

0:23:290:23:30

and I walked in there and I found myself

0:23:300:23:32

a ceramic reindeer standing on top of a grassy mound,

0:23:320:23:36

with a thermometer just coming up off the side.

0:23:360:23:39

You know when you need to get a reindeer thermometer heaps quick?

0:23:390:23:42

Make sure there's a few on the shelf.

0:23:420:23:44

Make sure there's about 20 there.

0:23:440:23:45

Get out of the shop, OK, once you've found your shit item.

0:23:450:23:48

Wander back about a week later.

0:23:480:23:49

Go straight in, right to the person working behind the counter,

0:23:490:23:52

and go, "Excuse me, I wonder if you could help me.

0:23:520:23:54

"I'm looking for something maybe like a reindeer.

0:23:540:23:56

"Doesn't have to be a reindeer, mind you.

0:23:560:23:57

"Could be any type of ungulate or hoofed animal.

0:23:570:24:00

"The catch is, it's got to have

0:24:000:24:01

"some measurement of weather attached to the side of it."

0:24:010:24:04

This guy lost his mind.

0:24:040:24:06

He's like, "Oh, my God, I've got exactly that item!"

0:24:060:24:09

When he brings it back, though, when he brings it back, just hold it

0:24:110:24:13

and go, "Yeah, it's kind of like what I was looking for.

0:24:130:24:16

"It's just not for me, though."

0:24:180:24:20

All right, guys, it's going to get weird now.

0:24:210:24:24

So this next piece is called Things That Shit Me.

0:24:260:24:28

These are things that piss me off. Let's go.

0:24:280:24:31

Things that shit me -

0:24:310:24:32

when you walk into a room,

0:24:350:24:36

and then you forget why you walked in there in the first place.

0:24:360:24:40

Oh, yeah!

0:24:490:24:51

Things that shit me -

0:24:520:24:54

having to hug people you don't know very well.

0:24:540:24:57

Not you! Get in here!

0:24:580:25:00

Things that shit me -

0:25:060:25:08

this picture book of kittens which was first published in 1972.

0:25:080:25:13

Now the sad thing about this book here is,

0:25:130:25:15

if it was first published in 1972, they're all dead now.

0:25:150:25:19

It's just a book of dead cats.

0:25:200:25:22

Dead, dead, dead.

0:25:220:25:24

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

0:25:250:25:27

Every one of them's dead. Dead, dead, dead. They're all dead!

0:25:270:25:31

APPLAUSE

0:25:310:25:33

Things that shit me -

0:25:350:25:37

those people who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops.

0:25:370:25:42

"Do you guys got croissants?"

0:25:460:25:47

Things that shit me -

0:25:510:25:53

really confusing television commercials.

0:25:530:25:56

-JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

-Reliability, integrity,

0:25:560:26:00

inspiration, synergy, refreshment.

0:26:000:26:03

Be who you are - The Waffle House.

0:26:030:26:07

Things that shit me -

0:26:090:26:11

my impression of a little shy guy.

0:26:110:26:13

-Stop it.

-You think you're so good.

-Shut up, I do not. Stop that.

0:26:130:26:17

-Yes, you do.

-I do not. Stop it.

-You do. You think you're so good.

0:26:170:26:20

-I don't think I'm so good! Stop it. You stop it.

-You stop it.

0:26:200:26:23

-You stop it first.

-You stop it.

-You stop it.

0:26:230:26:26

-You little shy guy.

-I'm not shy,

0:26:260:26:27

I just get a little bit weird in front of 3,000 people I don't know.

0:26:270:26:31

What? Stop looking at me. Stop that! Please stop. Please don't stop.

0:26:310:26:36

Please don't stop.

0:26:360:26:38

Things that shit me -

0:26:380:26:39

the fact that I can never be a gardener or a horticulturalist

0:26:390:26:42

because if I hold up a pot-plant like this, I look like a sex pest.

0:26:420:26:47

What? Stop it!

0:26:500:26:53

Things that shit me -

0:26:530:26:55

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

0:26:550:26:58

One for you, man!

0:27:150:27:17

It's all right. Just let me get over there.

0:27:210:27:24

Just a minute. It's all right. I'm trying to get back here. It's fine.

0:27:270:27:31

It's fine, come on. Come on!

0:27:330:27:35

It's fine. Come on, now.

0:27:350:27:37

It's all right, it's all right. Get in there! Just get in!

0:27:390:27:43

It's not real!

0:27:430:27:44

Things that shit me -

0:27:540:27:56

-me.

-Thank you very much, Apollo!

0:27:560:27:58

-CHEERS

-Thank you!

0:27:580:28:01

Sam Simmons!

0:28:040:28:06

Gina, I've got too much stuff to pick up.

0:28:060:28:09

-CHEERS

-I've got too much stuff.

0:28:090:28:11

-Just get your stuff, Sam. Take that massive cock with you.

-Yeah.

0:28:110:28:15

-Take it.

-You do know that's...

0:28:150:28:17

Just in case you were wondering.

0:28:170:28:19

-Sam Simmons!

-Thank you!

-CHEERS

0:28:200:28:24

You guys have been fantastic tonight.

0:28:270:28:29

You've seen myself, Gina Yashere, you've seen Ellie Taylor,

0:28:290:28:32

and Sam Simmons. Thanks for coming to Live At The Apollo. Goodnight.

0:28:320:28:37

Thank you. Goodnight.

0:28:370:28:39

In the third episode, multi award-winning Gina Yashere is your host as she introduces surreal Australian comedian Sam Simmons and rising comedy star Ellie Taylor to the stage.


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