Episode 1 Live at the Apollo

# Oh, yeah! #

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, hello. Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much.

My name is Sara Pascoe. It is my dream to be here.

It's a beautiful, beautiful venue, and I just love...

Do you love London? CHEERING

I love London. I feel like London is created by the people, right,

who are just crazy and sexy and ambitious.

I got into an Uber the other day - not bragging - and...

I am. I got into an Uber and the driver, he said,

"Would you like to have the radio on?"

And I was like, "Oh, I don't mind. It's up to you."

And then he said, "Well, actually, I make my own music.

"Do you mind if I put some of that on?"

No, I don't.

And then he put on Drake's new album.

I wonder how often it works.

I wonder how often there's a middle-aged white woman thinking,

"Oh, well, he looks like Aladdin

"and he sounds like confidence personified.

"Pull over and jump in the back, Nikolai."

I'm having a good life.

I have recently started doing yoga, which is just...

CHEERING Yes, "whoo" for the yoga over there.

Are you a team come to...?

I'm new to it. I'm new to it. I love it. Yoga has changed my life.

It's brilliant. Yoga is my new drug. My old drug was drugs...

..which I'm not going to say anything positive about

because it would be incredibly irresponsible.

I'm not going to say anything positive about drug taking.

What I will say is, I didn't take MDMA until I was 32,

and it was such a relief to know I could be happy.

You just assume the equipment's broken.

But yoga is nearly as good and there's no down side.

It's given me a whole new language. My favourite new word is "namaste".

It's a very old word, it's very sacred,

and it means the yoga has finished now.

And then you're allowed to leave.

I think that the key to being happy as you get older is self-acceptance.

Like, I have to accept things about myself now. Like, I'm 36.

I thought I would have children by now and I don't.

In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise.

I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics,

so that I could show them to my parents and go,

"See? It was my childhood. They're fine."

Science can't do that yet. And then I had a crazy day last month

where I just thought, "I'm just going to buy some sperm.

"Just going to get some sperm off the internet. I've got a good job.

"I'm just going to buy some sperm."

Guys, sperm is so much more expensive

than I thought it was going to be.

It is tens of thousands of pounds.

We are all wasting a valuable resource.

17-year-old me would have been a millionaire

if I'd learned how to catch it and chuck it in the freezer.

It was a shock.

But I do think self-acceptance is the key.

Like, there's things about myself I don't like,

but I just have to accept now that they're not going to change.

This is who I am. Like, so, for instance,

I don't like art.

I think art is rubbish.

I think lots of people think art is rubbish,

but we're too worried of looking stupid so we go along with it.

I think that the worst art form is theatre.

Right, OK, I can sense how unpopular this opinion is.

Hear me out. I think theatre is diabolical.

Look, I do. Look...

And also, I'm aware, if you are a performer of some kind,

if you're an actor, look, please don't be offended.

I don't mean being in the play.

Obviously, if you're the person in the play

that gets to put a wig on and walk up and down

and move your arms and project your voice,

saying things like, "Um, I think you'll find

"you're contradicting yourself, Alan," fun!

Having to watch it...

Dear Christ!

I can't concentrate. I can't lose myself in the story.

I know that it's not real cos I'm surrounded by people eating crisps,

and they don't let you look at your phone.

So all you're thinking is, "Well, how long has it been?"

And you have to judge from how long it feels, which is forever.

And then they have a false ending called an interval,

where, you know, technically, you could leave,

but you have Stockholm syndrome,

and you don't want everyone around you

to think you weren't intelligent enough to understand the play,

so you just sit there and you're trying to be positive.

You just think things like,

"Well, sometimes, the second half is shorter."

Then, eventually, after several days,

the play finishes.

Then what happens is you're flooded with an incredible feeling

and it's called freedom. It's like electricity in your veins.

You're thinking, "I can do anything now.

"I can go outside. I could have a sandwich."

And I think we confuse that feeling for having enjoyed the play.

So, you go into work the next day, like, "Guys, guys,

"you must see A View From The Bridge."

But it wasn't A View From The Bridge you enjoyed.

It was when it stopped happening.

I think this about all of the performing arts.

I think opera - come on. Come on. It's just jokey singing gone long.

I think ballet is nonsensical.

I'm aware that people dedicate their lives to getting good at it, but they shouldn't.

They're all wriggling around, and, apparently, there's a story,

but if you want to find out the story,

you have to read the programme like a book.

"Oh, look, apparently, somebody's trapped inside the body of a swan."

Why are you telling me? Call the RSPB

or the Queen. Also, I don't like music.

I know that everyone likes music, but I don't like it.

It's too noisy. Shut up, music. I don't want to have an emotion

I didn't have a minute ago, thank you.

I don't want any memories. I do like Drake,

but that's only because I got off with him once in an Uber.

Oh! Oh! I'm sure we'd all agree that the worst musical style is jazz.

SMALL RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER You really differ with me!

Jazz is the worst.

I think it's the worst noise that human beings make.

It's aural excrement.

"Oh, Sara, is your dad a jazz musician?"

Shut up, my ex-boyfriend's therapist.

This is what I'm wanting to do with my...

It's connected to my dad.

A stressed off-beat just reminds me of being neglected.

What else don't I like? Oh, there is a good part of an art gallery.

It's called the gift shop. Here you go. Now we're talking.

Pencils, sharpeners, postcards.

But everyone is very disapproving

if you run through the gallery, yelling, "Gift shop!"

You're supposed to stop and look at some of the pictures.

Why are we stopping and looking? It's not Magic Eye.

I can see what they are straight away.

Like, dogs, a horse, a dead old rich person.

Gift shop!

Also, if you're one of the people

who stops in front of one of the ones that's just a colour...

..stop. Stop pretending.

You know you're not feeling anything.

"Oh, but, Sara, isn't stand-up comedy an art form?"

No. No. Clearly not. Also, don't get me wrong,

some people do stand-up exceptionally well,

but you know that it isn't an art form

cos no-one's ever had to explain to you what it means.

It just works or it doesn't. It's a craft.

It's either funny and it's stand-up comedy,

or it's not and it's a TED talk.

It's goodnight. And I like that I am a craftsperson. I like...

Cos a craftsperson dedicates their life

to getting better at something, at honing their skill.

It's like if I was a chair-maker and I brought out a chair,

and you sat on it and it supported your weight,

well, then, that is good craftsmanship.

If I bring out a chair, and you sit on it and it collapses

and you fall on the floor, that's brilliant comedy.

I made you think I was a chair-maker.

I pranked you.

I'm fun, is the point I was trying to make.

I'm really fun. I... Valentine's Day this year,

I decided I was going to go to Paris all by myself,

and that's because I'm a single woman.

And also I don't like the term "single".

I hate the term "single".

I prefer the term "very, very lonely".

The thing is, you know, I don't like that we use...

I think being single is the default.

I don't like this whole idea that you're supposed to be in a couple.

Human beings are meant to be sold separately.

We're not Twixes. We're Peperamis.

Whether you're in a relationship or not, you are alone.

It's that cliche, of course, that you're born alone and you die alone.

Asterisk - unless you are a conjoined twin.

In which case, you're born with somebody else, you freakish Twix.

The only way that you're not alone is if you're one of those twins

who grew round the other one while you were in the womb,

but you might not even know.

You might be sitting there thinking you're normal,

and then one day you go for a scan and the nurse faints

cos your tumour has hair and a face.

There's a whole thing... You'll know this cos you see comedy,

but you know how people do mean jokes?

They do horrible jokes about people, and I always think no,

jokes just shouldn't be nasty about people,

unless they grew round their twin in the womb.

I think they deserve everything they get!

I think murdering someone by growing round them

is one of the worst things a person can do.

And if you did grow round your twin in the womb

and you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, well, this is unfair,"

you should have thought about that before you engulfed your brother

and kept him in your colon.

My point was, I went to Paris.

I went to Paris on Valentine's Day, didn't I?

Because I thought, look,

it's the most romantic city in the world on the most romantic day.

I thought it would be hilarious. I've got to write stand-up comedy.

I thought it'd be so funny. I'll be walking around weeping,

as people point, going, "Elle est unlovable."

And I've been to Paris before - three times -

each time with my ex-boyfriend.

That's where we had our three biggest rows.

First time, because eight months into the relationship,

I found out he had a horrible secret.

He grew round his twin in the womb.

Second time, we had a horrible argument

because he wasn't into PDAs or PDAs.

That is public displays of affection

or private displays of affection.

And the third time, we just felt an argument brewing

and booked the Eurostar.

So this is my first time in Paris all by myself.

The first thing I noticed was, when you're in a couple

you see the entire world behind their head.

You're always looking at their lovely face.

The world is a backdrop.

When you take that person away, you see more world.

So that's good.

Yeah, you see more. You notice more stuff,

like how rubbish some of the tourist attractions are.

I went up the Eiffel Tower.

If you're not kissing someone, it's just a high-up cage.

It's not a good day out.

But nothing funny happened the entire time I was there,

which was four days. Nothing funny.

"Oh, so, Sara, why are you telling us?"

Because, otherwise, that trip is not tax-deductible.

So...

It's awful. And you're clapping it, and it's true. It's true.

Yeah, awful things are true. Oh, can I tell you about the creepy man?

Right, this man, he waited for me after a show.

He was in a wheelchair. This is relevant.

He asked me if we could have a photograph taken together and...

I'm lying. He asked for a selfie,

but I don't use that word because it's a stupid thing for idiots.

No? Still no?

OK, so do you like selfies?

Yeah. I just don't understand them.

I don't understand, and I'm not saying this to YOU,

but, like, why anyone would be so openly vain and arrogant?

Not only do you have to be in every photograph,

you don't trust somebody else to take it.

I don't think it's an appropriate reaction

to seeing something that you like.

"Oh, that's pretty. I wonder what it looks like with me obscuring it?"

I don't understand young people

being so confident now, wanting to...

Like, when I was at school, I wanted to cheese grate my own skin off.

We all did. It was a horrible time.

No-one ever wanted to be photographed or on YouTube.

This is another word that I had to have defined for me.

My agent said to me, "Oh, you're going round

"to a YouTuber's house to be interviewed."

I'm like, "What is a YouTuber?"

Oh, I now know it is a child who talks rubbish

and is a millionaire.

They are the future and I am the past.

And, actually, this young woman, she was lovely.

She interviewed me in her bedroom.

I was very distracted cos her bedspread was black

and it had a gold crest on it,

and it looked exactly like the house crest of Slytherin.

I kept looking over, thinking, "But it can't be.

"But it really looks like it.

"But it can't be."

And she noticed, and she asked me why I kept looking at her bed,

cos I think she thought I was doing like a...

She'd heard the rumours. So I said to her, like,

"Oh, my dear, you should know your bedspread looks

"exactly like the house crest of Slytherin.

"You're going to scare your friends."

And then she said to me, "Slytherin is really cool now."

And I just got out of there as quickly as I could,

away from her and her dark heart.

But I couldn't stop worrying about her,

and the next time I saw a young person...

I did a gig with a 24-year-old and I asked her, I said,

"Oh, this young girl, she said that Slytherin is cool now,"

and the 24-year-old didn't answer me with words.

She unbuckled, unzipped her jeans, displayed her knickers to me,

which had the house crest of Slytherin on them.

That is what happens under a Tory government.

Look what they've done to the children.

By all means, be evil, but be ashamed.

You can't be proud.

I have one thing that did happen to me,

which did make me feel like I was very with it and youthful,

and this is quite a saucy story.

In January, I had emoji sex.

Yeah! Which I didn't even know was a thing.

What happened was... AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES

You know! So, basically,

this 27-year-old, he does comedy - very good-looking.

He and I have never had a frisson.

Suddenly, I get a text from him, which is just emojis,

and they are so suggestive,

and before I even know what's happening, I'm masturbating.

And... LAUGHTER

And then another message comes through,

and it turns out that...

Well, it turns out that the original message

had not just been for me.

It was a round-robin that had gone out to lots of people,

and I wasn't special.

But what's worse is I had misread the emojis,

and he had had his cat put down.

And I'd got confused about the little injection

and the pussy cat...

..and thought he meant something completely different.

Now, the thing is, number one - how insensitive is that?

You don't use emojis when an animal has lost his life.

And also, it's too late. I've come, so...

I didn't say any of this to the man.

I didn't say any of this to the man. I just said, "Yes,"

and then we did this selfie together,

and then he said to me,

"Would you like to see my collection of photographs with comedians?"

"All right." And then so he's scrolling through his phone.

He's like, "This is me with Josh Widdicombe.

"This is me with Adam Hills."

And the next picture was of

his erect penis...

..which he looked up to check that I was looking at it.

Oh, also, somebody asked me, and I was glad they asked...

They were like, "How did you know it was his penis,

"if you hadn't seen it before? This could have been anyone's penis."

The photograph had been taken in the chair, from above.

So that's how I knew - because of the wheels.

So he looks up to check that I'm looking at it,

and then, "That's me with Katherine Ryan.

"That's me with Seann Walsh."

And it was another one.

And I was just standing there, looking.

Like, I looked at the entire album, which was eight comedians,

four angles.

And this has been bothering me about myself for a year.

Like, I'm supposed to be a proper grown-up now. I'm 36.

I'm supposed to be able to deal with situations like this, and I didn't.

I looked and then I just walked away.

And I've realised that the problem is,

what had happened is, I've, like...

I've clicked into a mode where, like, I'm, like, being nice.

Like, "Aw, I'm being nice to the man."

And I stayed in that mode even when it wasn't appropriate any more,

and it's wrong and it's patronising

and it's not treating somebody as your equal.

If he'd been able-bodied, I'd have put him in a wheelchair.

I would like to speak to you now about a much more positive thing.

I'm going to introduce to you now a fantastic comedian.

He is the best joke writer this country has ever created.

I think you're going to absolutely love

the incredible Gary Delaney!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

You know when you're a kid...

..and you go to the dentist...

..and if you don't cry,

they give you a badge or a sticker, yeah?

Well, I had a prostate exam today.

Just get rid of this.

Hello, Apollo. CHEERING

You seem nice. So, my grief councillor died recently, but...

..luckily, he was so good, I didn't give a shit.

Nice to be back, though.

Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.

I had to disappoint her.

We had sex.

Somebody over there laughing at the idea

somebody might have asked me for sex.

Wasn't supposed to be the funny bit in that joke,

but nice to see you again.

I'd recognise that laugh anywhere.

Only, tonight, it's slightly less hurtful.

So I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.

I got a DVD - How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.

It was really good.

I had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning.

The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.

I mean, obviously, they don't know that yet.

The other day, a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Yeah.

Well, voyeur was the actual word that she used.

No need to split hairs, is there? It still counts.

I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS,

but she shat on me from a great height.

I think it's sad the word "legend" has been devalued

from pulling a sword from a stone

to unexpectedly returning with crisps.

I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn't help

cos my garden was portrait.

Every Christmas Day, we always have pigs in blankets,

or as you probably call it,

relatives sleeping in the spare room.

It's tradition in our family that we always have a Christmas jumper

and then it's my job to talk them down.

I went on a barging holiday. I haven't got a boat.

I just kept pushing people into canals.

I don't like to eat anything labelled reformed ham,

as I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered

after they've got their lives back on track.

We've got two kids, Jane and Emma.

Sadly, they do both get bullied at school.

I can't make it stop, but I can help them learn how to rise above it.

So, yesterday, I said to them, "Look, boys..."

This morning, I made a Belgian waffle.

In the afternoon, I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant

in their refusal to learn foreign languages.

At least, I think that's what he said.

But it all just sounded like, "Haw-hee-haw.

"Hee-haw, hee-haw."

I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge,

and our guide asked us not to try and crack one off,

and she wasn't even that attractive.

I still managed. It was very dark.

This morning, I went to a meeting

of my premature ejaculators support group.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

A couple of gentlemen there started clapping

before the end of that joke, which is ironic.

I do appreciate that.

Our six-year-old refuses to eat anything

other than Alphabetti Spaghetti.

Luckily, he's dyslexic, so we just buy him normal spaghetti.

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

I've got the memory of an elephant.

I remember, one time, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I was disappointed to find that Dunkirk wasn't actually a biography

of William Shatner.

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me on the bollocks.

My mate said, "It's karma."

I said, "No, if anything, it's even more angry."

I tell you what always catches my eye -

short people with umbrellas.

I put on a lot of weight, so I rang up Weight Watchers.

I said, "It's an emergency. Can you send somebody round?"

And they said, "Yes, we can. We've got loads of them."

I was actually thrown out of Weight Watchers

for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in.

As you can imagine, I accepted the decision with huge grace,

cos they threw her out as well.

I was watching TV. The announcer said,

"There's a documentary about the clitoris on the Red Button,"

but I couldn't find it.

I was in a fancy lingerie shop. I said, "Are these knickers satin?"

He said, "No, they're new."

I didn't know what to get my little niece for Christmas,

so I asked my sister what she's into.

Apparently, at the moment she's mad about Frozen stuff,

so I got her some oven chips and peas.

It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress

and now it's trying to blackmail me.

As a child, I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

I went on a positive thinking course.

It was shit.

Knew it would be.

And it was half-empty.

The area in a Nando's between the front and back door

is called the peri-perineum.

What I like most about that joke...

..is that people who know what a perineum is

usually haven't heard of Nando's.

Ironically, there's only a very small overlap between the two.

The doctor told me to lose some weight.

I said, "How?" He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said. "What, pies, chips, that sort of thing?"

He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

Old-lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute,

like Lily or Elsie or Rose,

and we wanted something like that for our daughter,

but we couldn't decide, so in the end we just called her Nan.

She'll grow into it.

I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate by giving him any post

that's just addressed to the occupier.

If you watch a porn film backwards,

it's about a man who hoovers spunk off a woman...

..then breaks her washing machine and leaves.

We've all done it.

Friend of mine had a penis extension.

Now his house looks really stupid.

I was in a sex shop. I saw a dildo described as

nine inches long and realistic.

I thought, "Well, which is it?"

As a family, we couldn't decide

whether to have Nana buried or cremated,

so in the end we let her live.

My grandad went down in history, and on one occasion

fingered a girl in geography.

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov,

thinking, "Those stupid dogs,"

and then the bell went and we all had lunch.

Red sky at night - light of shorter wavelengths

is being dissipated by water vapour and atmospheric dust.

Red sky in the morning - same.

There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween, which is...

I thought PPI was just something you could get

if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up,

I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I bought a chocolate bar. On the inside of the wrapper,

it said, "You're a loser".

I wouldn't have minded if there had been some sort of competition on.

To make things worse, it was a Boost.

A Christian friend of mine said that

sex between two men was wrong in their eyes.

I said, "You're quite right. It's supposed to be up the bum."

My uncle Derek was found dead with a belt round his neck

and a dildo up his arse. At his funeral, the vicar said

we'd always remember him for his charity work.

Wrong.

I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel.

She died.

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time

that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.

When I heard you could now be a sperm donor by post,

I came in a jiffy.

My girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms

with something special inside to boost her pleasure.

I said, "Oh, what's that?"

And she said, "Other men's cocks."

One time at a party, I chucked my car keys into a big bowl,

and everyone just stared at me and the trifle was ruined.

I've been trying to persuade my girlfriend

to sexually stimulate me with her key ring,

but she just keeps fobbing me off.

You've been lovely. I've been Gary Delaney. Thank you and goodnight. Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Gary Delaney!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to introduce to you another comedian now.

I've gigged with him several times and every time,

I've been so impressed with his wit and his energy.

If you haven't seen him before, I'm so excited for you

that you're going to get to see him now.

Can you please go absolutely wild and crazy for Larry Dean?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: Thank you very much. Hello.

Oh, it is a pleasure to be here.

I'm not from round here.

If you're trying to place my accent,

I'm from the EU.

Well, it's good to be in London Town, man. I'm from Glasgow.

It means I'm friendly, cos we're very friendly in Glasgow.

Although we're a scary friendly.

We'll give you directions, but we'll follow you

to make sure that you've done them correctly.

It's a bit strange coming back down here,

ever since the EU referendum.

Cos since Scotland voted to stay and England voted to leave,

Scottish people feel as if they've got a moral high ground.

Have I pronounced that correctly?

Cos we've never had one of them before in Scotland.

It's so weird. On the day of the vote, we were like,

"Oh, we've won, because we've lost.

"That's the most Scottish thing we've ever done."

And ever since, it seemed like afterwards

that England was becoming more right-wing,

so Scotland started becoming more left-wing.

It was as if Scottish people had gone, "What,

"England's being racist?

"Oh, no, we're not doing that any more, guys. No.

"If England's doing it, we are not doing that."

It's making Scottish people better people.

As soon as England shows any racism, Scottish people are like,

"Oh, no, what you on about? We love foreigners here.

"Judging somebody based on a religion?

"No, we've never done that either. No."

It wasn't my first thought, though, after Brexit.

Cos I thought... Like a lot of Remain voters,

I thought, "I'm moving. I'm going to move."

And I thought, "I'm going to move to Australia,

"cos if I've got to live on a racist island,

"it may as well be sunny."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. I would have...

It would have been bad to move, man, though,

cos I do like living here and that.

And also, I'd have missed my family too much.

I moved back in with my parents about a year ago

cos I got out of a relationship.

You don't really move back in

with your parents for a good reason, do you?

It's not, "Oh, I got a promotion at work

"so I thought Mummy and Daddy could do with some company."

It's usually... It's either emotional issues

or financial issues.

My dad called mine the double whammy.

As soon as I moved back in with them, I thought,

"I've got to start dating again. I need an out plan, right?"

On my first date back, I was terrified, right?

It didn't help that the guy was a bit weird.

Oh, yeah, guy. I'm a gay person. Key change!

# Here we go, sisters! #

That's right. I'm a sodomite.

Nothing more scary than a Glaswegian gay man.

"I'm gonnae bum you."

Sorry, mate. You're a heterosexual?

Yeah, a nod of the head there. DEEP VOICE: "Yes, I love the vulva."

I don't know why I had to change my voice for that.

DEEP VOICE: "Yes, I love the vulva. Larry Dean, BBC News, I'm very gay."

This is my favourite bit of any gig, man.

I love this bit. It's so much fun.

Cos I'm just looking at all the straight men in the room

looking at me going, "Hold on, he's gay?

"He doesn't look gay. I don't look gay.

"Maybe I'm gay."

Actually, to be honest, I don't even like the word gay.

I'm not a fan of the word gay, cos the word gay gets used quite derogatory sometimes.

People are like, "Oh, that's gay. I don't like that. That's gay."

In Scotland, we don't even need to use that word.

In Scotland, we can describe somebody as a homosexual

by using any noun in the English language.

"What? Is he a blueberry, aye?"

"See that guy? I thought, 'He's a lava lamp.'"

I found this out when I was having an argument with my dad, right?

Cos I could see my dad wanted to call me a big Jessie,

but I could see him thinking, "I don't know if that's homophobic now, actually."

So my dad went, "Ah, get lost, you big...

"duvet."

Any other gay people in? Any gays in?

CHEERING

Mainly cordoned over there for some reason, man.

"This is our safe space over here. We'll be fine."

Took me a while to come to terms with it, man.

Cos I was... For a while, I was considering going to

one of those Pray the Gay Away camps.

No matter what you think of Pray the Gay Away camps,

it's a really catchy name they've got.

They couldn't have made it sound any more gay.

It's like, "Oh, are you going to pray the gay away? Not today, but OK."

Isn't it weird that if the word gay didn't rhyme with everything,

they wouldn't be able to have camps for it?

If the word gay was like a word that had no rhyme, like the word orange,

there'd be no such thing as the camps.

Oh, so, if gay people were called orange,

we'd get a lot more Pride parades in Scotland than Northern Ireland.

But at these Pray the Gay Away camps, right,

it's so weird, man. And you can look this up when you go home, I swear, right?

At a Pray the Gay Away camp,

what they do is they measure you using a Kinsey scale,

which is a scale of one to six

of how gay you are.

Who measures anything one to six?

It's either one to five or one to ten.

What must have happened is it was originally one to five...

..and somebody's turned up and they were just so gay.

"Oh, my God. He's a six!

"It truly is a number of the beast."

Just some guy looking like an inflatable man

outside a car dealership.

I tried to be one of them. I tried to be a level-sixer.

I tried to be a level-six strawberry cheesecake.

Cos I did, man. Cos I like... I love like...

I thought, "I'll try and be camp." Right? Cos it's easy...

Cos I thought, "Oh, if I'm camp, then people will know already."

So, I wanted to tell people, you know what I mean? Cos sometimes you assume.

So, I tried to be a level-six strawberry cheesecake, right?

So, I started, like, going around with my wrist down and...

I know I don't look camp. I just look ill.

I did that for a while, though, and I got to go to Disneyland for free,

so it wasn't all bad.

But nobody thought I was gay, right?

So, I started putting my bum out, as well.

That's not a problem. If I was camp, I would just look like a dinosaur.

Just walking down the road like that.

"Ooh, there's a sale on." HE SCREECHES

HE SCREECHES

Sorry, pal. Sorry, man. You all right? Sorry, buddy.

You're all right, mate. You're a hetero-saur! Hey!

I'll make him a mega-saur-arse. Wahay!

Just saying, "I'm a postman, not a postbox."

Oh, man, what a lovely reaction that was.

Some people laughing, others going, "What the hell does he mean?"

How I deliver the mail, hey-hey!

I'm terrified of that, though, man.

I'm so scared of anything going near my bum.

Goodnight.

Honestly, I'm so scared of it.

I'm what gay people call "selfish".

But I had to... Oh, I didn't know this, by the way.

Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum and...

That's the sound of women who trim their fingernails.

But I didn't... I genuinely had no idea.

Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum

when they're getting a blowjob.

That's like trying to get the last drop out of a Frube.

But I didn't know, man.

And also, like, cos I am genuinely scared of it,

and I had to go to the doctors for a prostate examination.

A prostate examination, if you don't know,

is a finger up the bum by a doctor.

Backwards, obviously. Like he's scared of doing it.

"Here we go.

"Why did I work hard in school?"

So that then my doctor's an ancient Egyptian.

And I was so freaked out about it happening, right?

But my doctor's a nice guy, and he's going,

"Calm down, Larry. It's a normal procedure.

"Just calm down."

And the doctor doesn't realise I'm so scared,

I'm not even looking at his face.

I'm just staring at his hands cos my doctor looks as if

he went to medical school on a basketball scholarship.

He's going to pick my nose while he's in there.

Either that or he's going to lift me up and spin me round for a bit.

So eventually the doctor got me to lean over,

cos Dr Jordan is stronger than me.

So I was leaning over, and I was shivering with fear,

and the doctor put his finger up there.

I was so scared that when he did that

I actually fainted.

For the doctor that must have been like resetting a Tamagotchi.

It's great. I found out I've got a snooze button in there.

Perfect for holidays.

"Five hours to Tenerife. What am I going to do on this flight?

"Oh, actually..."

Folks, you've been absolutely lovely.

It's been a dream come true for me. I've been Larry Dean.

Enjoy the rest of the night. Take care. Cheers. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How good is Larry Dean? CHEERING

Please give it up for Gary Delaney, Larry Dean.

You've been an incredible audience.

I hope you've enjoyed your night. I'm Sara Pascoe. Goodnight!