Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


Episode 1

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# Oh, yeah! #

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sara Pascoe.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! Hello, hello. Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much.

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My name is Sara Pascoe. It is my dream to be here.

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It's a beautiful, beautiful venue, and I just love...

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Do you love London? CHEERING

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I love London. I feel like London is created by the people, right,

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who are just crazy and sexy and ambitious.

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I got into an Uber the other day - not bragging - and...

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I am. I got into an Uber and the driver, he said,

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"Would you like to have the radio on?"

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And I was like, "Oh, I don't mind. It's up to you."

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And then he said, "Well, actually, I make my own music.

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"Do you mind if I put some of that on?"

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No, I don't.

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And then he put on Drake's new album.

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I wonder how often it works.

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I wonder how often there's a middle-aged white woman thinking,

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"Oh, well, he looks like Aladdin

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"and he sounds like confidence personified.

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"Pull over and jump in the back, Nikolai."

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I'm having a good life.

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I have recently started doing yoga, which is just...

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CHEERING Yes, "whoo" for the yoga over there.

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Are you a team come to...?

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I'm new to it. I'm new to it. I love it. Yoga has changed my life.

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It's brilliant. Yoga is my new drug. My old drug was drugs...

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..which I'm not going to say anything positive about

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because it would be incredibly irresponsible.

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I'm not going to say anything positive about drug taking.

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What I will say is, I didn't take MDMA until I was 32,

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and it was such a relief to know I could be happy.

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You just assume the equipment's broken.

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But yoga is nearly as good and there's no down side.

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It's given me a whole new language. My favourite new word is "namaste".

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It's a very old word, it's very sacred,

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and it means the yoga has finished now.

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And then you're allowed to leave.

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I think that the key to being happy as you get older is self-acceptance.

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Like, I have to accept things about myself now. Like, I'm 36.

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I thought I would have children by now and I don't.

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In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise.

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I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics,

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so that I could show them to my parents and go,

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"See? It was my childhood. They're fine."

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Science can't do that yet. And then I had a crazy day last month

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where I just thought, "I'm just going to buy some sperm.

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"Just going to get some sperm off the internet. I've got a good job.

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"I'm just going to buy some sperm."

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Guys, sperm is so much more expensive

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than I thought it was going to be.

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It is tens of thousands of pounds.

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We are all wasting a valuable resource.

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17-year-old me would have been a millionaire

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if I'd learned how to catch it and chuck it in the freezer.

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It was a shock.

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But I do think self-acceptance is the key.

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Like, there's things about myself I don't like,

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but I just have to accept now that they're not going to change.

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This is who I am. Like, so, for instance,

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I don't like art.

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I think art is rubbish.

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I think lots of people think art is rubbish,

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but we're too worried of looking stupid so we go along with it.

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I think that the worst art form is theatre.

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Right, OK, I can sense how unpopular this opinion is.

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Hear me out. I think theatre is diabolical.

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Look, I do. Look...

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And also, I'm aware, if you are a performer of some kind,

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if you're an actor, look, please don't be offended.

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I don't mean being in the play.

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Obviously, if you're the person in the play

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that gets to put a wig on and walk up and down

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and move your arms and project your voice,

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saying things like, "Um, I think you'll find

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"you're contradicting yourself, Alan," fun!

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Having to watch it...

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Dear Christ!

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I can't concentrate. I can't lose myself in the story.

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I know that it's not real cos I'm surrounded by people eating crisps,

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and they don't let you look at your phone.

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So all you're thinking is, "Well, how long has it been?"

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And you have to judge from how long it feels, which is forever.

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And then they have a false ending called an interval,

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where, you know, technically, you could leave,

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but you have Stockholm syndrome,

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and you don't want everyone around you

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to think you weren't intelligent enough to understand the play,

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so you just sit there and you're trying to be positive.

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You just think things like,

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"Well, sometimes, the second half is shorter."

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Then, eventually, after several days,

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the play finishes.

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Then what happens is you're flooded with an incredible feeling

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and it's called freedom. It's like electricity in your veins.

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You're thinking, "I can do anything now.

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"I can go outside. I could have a sandwich."

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And I think we confuse that feeling for having enjoyed the play.

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So, you go into work the next day, like, "Guys, guys,

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"you must see A View From The Bridge."

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But it wasn't A View From The Bridge you enjoyed.

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It was when it stopped happening.

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I think this about all of the performing arts.

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I think opera - come on. Come on. It's just jokey singing gone long.

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I think ballet is nonsensical.

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I'm aware that people dedicate their lives to getting good at it, but they shouldn't.

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They're all wriggling around, and, apparently, there's a story,

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but if you want to find out the story,

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you have to read the programme like a book.

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"Oh, look, apparently, somebody's trapped inside the body of a swan."

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Why are you telling me? Call the RSPB

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or the Queen. Also, I don't like music.

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I know that everyone likes music, but I don't like it.

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It's too noisy. Shut up, music. I don't want to have an emotion

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I didn't have a minute ago, thank you.

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I don't want any memories. I do like Drake,

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but that's only because I got off with him once in an Uber.

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Oh! Oh! I'm sure we'd all agree that the worst musical style is jazz.

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SMALL RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER You really differ with me!

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Jazz is the worst.

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I think it's the worst noise that human beings make.

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It's aural excrement.

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"Oh, Sara, is your dad a jazz musician?"

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Shut up, my ex-boyfriend's therapist.

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This is what I'm wanting to do with my...

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It's connected to my dad.

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A stressed off-beat just reminds me of being neglected.

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What else don't I like? Oh, there is a good part of an art gallery.

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It's called the gift shop. Here you go. Now we're talking.

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Pencils, sharpeners, postcards.

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But everyone is very disapproving

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if you run through the gallery, yelling, "Gift shop!"

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You're supposed to stop and look at some of the pictures.

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Why are we stopping and looking? It's not Magic Eye.

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I can see what they are straight away.

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Like, dogs, a horse, a dead old rich person.

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Gift shop!

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Also, if you're one of the people

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who stops in front of one of the ones that's just a colour...

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..stop. Stop pretending.

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You know you're not feeling anything.

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"Oh, but, Sara, isn't stand-up comedy an art form?"

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No. No. Clearly not. Also, don't get me wrong,

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some people do stand-up exceptionally well,

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but you know that it isn't an art form

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cos no-one's ever had to explain to you what it means.

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It just works or it doesn't. It's a craft.

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It's either funny and it's stand-up comedy,

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or it's not and it's a TED talk.

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It's goodnight. And I like that I am a craftsperson. I like...

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Cos a craftsperson dedicates their life

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to getting better at something, at honing their skill.

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It's like if I was a chair-maker and I brought out a chair,

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and you sat on it and it supported your weight,

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well, then, that is good craftsmanship.

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If I bring out a chair, and you sit on it and it collapses

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and you fall on the floor, that's brilliant comedy.

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I made you think I was a chair-maker.

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I pranked you.

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I'm fun, is the point I was trying to make.

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I'm really fun. I... Valentine's Day this year,

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I decided I was going to go to Paris all by myself,

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and that's because I'm a single woman.

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And also I don't like the term "single".

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I hate the term "single".

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I prefer the term "very, very lonely".

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The thing is, you know, I don't like that we use...

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I think being single is the default.

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I don't like this whole idea that you're supposed to be in a couple.

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Human beings are meant to be sold separately.

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We're not Twixes. We're Peperamis.

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Whether you're in a relationship or not, you are alone.

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It's that cliche, of course, that you're born alone and you die alone.

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Asterisk - unless you are a conjoined twin.

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In which case, you're born with somebody else, you freakish Twix.

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The only way that you're not alone is if you're one of those twins

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who grew round the other one while you were in the womb,

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but you might not even know.

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You might be sitting there thinking you're normal,

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and then one day you go for a scan and the nurse faints

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cos your tumour has hair and a face.

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There's a whole thing... You'll know this cos you see comedy,

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but you know how people do mean jokes?

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They do horrible jokes about people, and I always think no,

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jokes just shouldn't be nasty about people,

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unless they grew round their twin in the womb.

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I think they deserve everything they get!

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I think murdering someone by growing round them

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is one of the worst things a person can do.

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And if you did grow round your twin in the womb

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and you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, well, this is unfair,"

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you should have thought about that before you engulfed your brother

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and kept him in your colon.

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My point was, I went to Paris.

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I went to Paris on Valentine's Day, didn't I?

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Because I thought, look,

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it's the most romantic city in the world on the most romantic day.

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I thought it would be hilarious. I've got to write stand-up comedy.

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I thought it'd be so funny. I'll be walking around weeping,

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as people point, going, "Elle est unlovable."

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And I've been to Paris before - three times -

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each time with my ex-boyfriend.

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That's where we had our three biggest rows.

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First time, because eight months into the relationship,

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I found out he had a horrible secret.

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He grew round his twin in the womb.

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Second time, we had a horrible argument

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because he wasn't into PDAs or PDAs.

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That is public displays of affection

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or private displays of affection.

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And the third time, we just felt an argument brewing

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and booked the Eurostar.

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So this is my first time in Paris all by myself.

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The first thing I noticed was, when you're in a couple

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you see the entire world behind their head.

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You're always looking at their lovely face.

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The world is a backdrop.

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When you take that person away, you see more world.

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So that's good.

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Yeah, you see more. You notice more stuff,

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like how rubbish some of the tourist attractions are.

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I went up the Eiffel Tower.

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If you're not kissing someone, it's just a high-up cage.

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It's not a good day out.

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But nothing funny happened the entire time I was there,

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which was four days. Nothing funny.

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"Oh, so, Sara, why are you telling us?"

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Because, otherwise, that trip is not tax-deductible.

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So...

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It's awful. And you're clapping it, and it's true. It's true.

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Yeah, awful things are true. Oh, can I tell you about the creepy man?

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Right, this man, he waited for me after a show.

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He was in a wheelchair. This is relevant.

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He asked me if we could have a photograph taken together and...

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I'm lying. He asked for a selfie,

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but I don't use that word because it's a stupid thing for idiots.

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No? Still no?

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OK, so do you like selfies?

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Yeah. I just don't understand them.

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I don't understand, and I'm not saying this to YOU,

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but, like, why anyone would be so openly vain and arrogant?

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Not only do you have to be in every photograph,

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you don't trust somebody else to take it.

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I don't think it's an appropriate reaction

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to seeing something that you like.

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"Oh, that's pretty. I wonder what it looks like with me obscuring it?"

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I don't understand young people

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being so confident now, wanting to...

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Like, when I was at school, I wanted to cheese grate my own skin off.

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We all did. It was a horrible time.

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No-one ever wanted to be photographed or on YouTube.

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This is another word that I had to have defined for me.

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My agent said to me, "Oh, you're going round

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"to a YouTuber's house to be interviewed."

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I'm like, "What is a YouTuber?"

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Oh, I now know it is a child who talks rubbish

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and is a millionaire.

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They are the future and I am the past.

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And, actually, this young woman, she was lovely.

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She interviewed me in her bedroom.

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I was very distracted cos her bedspread was black

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and it had a gold crest on it,

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and it looked exactly like the house crest of Slytherin.

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I kept looking over, thinking, "But it can't be.

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"But it really looks like it.

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"But it can't be."

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And she noticed, and she asked me why I kept looking at her bed,

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cos I think she thought I was doing like a...

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She'd heard the rumours. So I said to her, like,

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"Oh, my dear, you should know your bedspread looks

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"exactly like the house crest of Slytherin.

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"You're going to scare your friends."

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And then she said to me, "Slytherin is really cool now."

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And I just got out of there as quickly as I could,

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away from her and her dark heart.

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But I couldn't stop worrying about her,

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and the next time I saw a young person...

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I did a gig with a 24-year-old and I asked her, I said,

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"Oh, this young girl, she said that Slytherin is cool now,"

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and the 24-year-old didn't answer me with words.

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She unbuckled, unzipped her jeans, displayed her knickers to me,

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which had the house crest of Slytherin on them.

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That is what happens under a Tory government.

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Look what they've done to the children.

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By all means, be evil, but be ashamed.

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You can't be proud.

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I have one thing that did happen to me,

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which did make me feel like I was very with it and youthful,

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and this is quite a saucy story.

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In January, I had emoji sex.

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Yeah! Which I didn't even know was a thing.

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What happened was... AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES

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You know! So, basically,

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this 27-year-old, he does comedy - very good-looking.

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He and I have never had a frisson.

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Suddenly, I get a text from him, which is just emojis,

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and they are so suggestive,

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and before I even know what's happening, I'm masturbating.

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And... LAUGHTER

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And then another message comes through,

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and it turns out that...

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Well, it turns out that the original message

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had not just been for me.

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It was a round-robin that had gone out to lots of people,

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and I wasn't special.

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But what's worse is I had misread the emojis,

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and he had had his cat put down.

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And I'd got confused about the little injection

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and the pussy cat...

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..and thought he meant something completely different.

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Now, the thing is, number one - how insensitive is that?

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You don't use emojis when an animal has lost his life.

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And also, it's too late. I've come, so...

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I didn't say any of this to the man.

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I didn't say any of this to the man. I just said, "Yes,"

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and then we did this selfie together,

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and then he said to me,

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"Would you like to see my collection of photographs with comedians?"

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"All right." And then so he's scrolling through his phone.

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He's like, "This is me with Josh Widdicombe.

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"This is me with Adam Hills."

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And the next picture was of

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his erect penis...

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..which he looked up to check that I was looking at it.

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Oh, also, somebody asked me, and I was glad they asked...

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They were like, "How did you know it was his penis,

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"if you hadn't seen it before? This could have been anyone's penis."

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The photograph had been taken in the chair, from above.

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So that's how I knew - because of the wheels.

0:16:260:16:29

So he looks up to check that I'm looking at it,

0:16:290:16:32

and then, "That's me with Katherine Ryan.

0:16:320:16:36

"That's me with Seann Walsh."

0:16:360:16:39

And it was another one.

0:16:420:16:44

And I was just standing there, looking.

0:16:440:16:47

Like, I looked at the entire album, which was eight comedians,

0:16:470:16:51

four angles.

0:16:510:16:53

And this has been bothering me about myself for a year.

0:16:530:16:56

Like, I'm supposed to be a proper grown-up now. I'm 36.

0:16:560:16:58

I'm supposed to be able to deal with situations like this, and I didn't.

0:16:580:17:01

I looked and then I just walked away.

0:17:010:17:03

And I've realised that the problem is,

0:17:030:17:04

what had happened is, I've, like...

0:17:040:17:06

I've clicked into a mode where, like, I'm, like, being nice.

0:17:060:17:09

Like, "Aw, I'm being nice to the man."

0:17:090:17:12

And I stayed in that mode even when it wasn't appropriate any more,

0:17:120:17:15

and it's wrong and it's patronising

0:17:150:17:17

and it's not treating somebody as your equal.

0:17:170:17:19

If he'd been able-bodied, I'd have put him in a wheelchair.

0:17:190:17:22

I would like to speak to you now about a much more positive thing.

0:17:280:17:33

I'm going to introduce to you now a fantastic comedian.

0:17:330:17:35

He is the best joke writer this country has ever created.

0:17:350:17:38

I think you're going to absolutely love

0:17:380:17:41

the incredible Gary Delaney!

0:17:410:17:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:440:17:46

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

0:17:530:17:58

You know when you're a kid...

0:18:060:18:07

..and you go to the dentist...

0:18:080:18:10

..and if you don't cry,

0:18:110:18:13

they give you a badge or a sticker, yeah?

0:18:130:18:16

Well, I had a prostate exam today.

0:18:170:18:19

Just get rid of this.

0:18:330:18:35

Hello, Apollo. CHEERING

0:18:380:18:41

You seem nice. So, my grief councillor died recently, but...

0:18:410:18:46

..luckily, he was so good, I didn't give a shit.

0:18:480:18:50

Nice to be back, though.

0:18:570:18:58

Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.

0:18:580:19:00

I had to disappoint her.

0:19:000:19:02

We had sex.

0:19:020:19:04

Somebody over there laughing at the idea

0:19:060:19:08

somebody might have asked me for sex.

0:19:080:19:10

Wasn't supposed to be the funny bit in that joke,

0:19:100:19:12

but nice to see you again.

0:19:120:19:14

I'd recognise that laugh anywhere.

0:19:180:19:21

Only, tonight, it's slightly less hurtful.

0:19:210:19:23

So I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.

0:19:250:19:29

I got a DVD - How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.

0:19:290:19:31

It was really good.

0:19:310:19:33

I had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning.

0:19:330:19:36

The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.

0:19:420:19:46

I mean, obviously, they don't know that yet.

0:19:470:19:49

The other day, a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Yeah.

0:19:580:20:01

Well, voyeur was the actual word that she used.

0:20:010:20:04

No need to split hairs, is there? It still counts.

0:20:060:20:09

I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS,

0:20:100:20:12

but she shat on me from a great height.

0:20:120:20:14

I think it's sad the word "legend" has been devalued

0:20:190:20:22

from pulling a sword from a stone

0:20:220:20:24

to unexpectedly returning with crisps.

0:20:240:20:26

I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn't help

0:20:320:20:34

cos my garden was portrait.

0:20:340:20:36

Every Christmas Day, we always have pigs in blankets,

0:20:400:20:44

or as you probably call it,

0:20:440:20:45

relatives sleeping in the spare room.

0:20:450:20:47

It's tradition in our family that we always have a Christmas jumper

0:20:510:20:54

and then it's my job to talk them down.

0:20:540:20:56

I went on a barging holiday. I haven't got a boat.

0:21:010:21:03

I just kept pushing people into canals.

0:21:030:21:05

I don't like to eat anything labelled reformed ham,

0:21:130:21:15

as I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered

0:21:150:21:18

after they've got their lives back on track.

0:21:180:21:20

We've got two kids, Jane and Emma.

0:21:240:21:27

Sadly, they do both get bullied at school.

0:21:270:21:29

I can't make it stop, but I can help them learn how to rise above it.

0:21:290:21:33

So, yesterday, I said to them, "Look, boys..."

0:21:330:21:36

This morning, I made a Belgian waffle.

0:21:420:21:44

In the afternoon, I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

0:21:440:21:47

President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant

0:21:500:21:53

in their refusal to learn foreign languages.

0:21:530:21:55

At least, I think that's what he said.

0:21:550:21:57

But it all just sounded like, "Haw-hee-haw.

0:22:000:22:04

"Hee-haw, hee-haw."

0:22:040:22:08

I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge,

0:22:090:22:11

and our guide asked us not to try and crack one off,

0:22:110:22:14

and she wasn't even that attractive.

0:22:140:22:15

I still managed. It was very dark.

0:22:180:22:22

This morning, I went to a meeting

0:22:240:22:25

of my premature ejaculators support group.

0:22:250:22:28

Turns out it's tomorrow.

0:22:280:22:29

A couple of gentlemen there started clapping

0:22:370:22:39

before the end of that joke, which is ironic.

0:22:390:22:42

I do appreciate that.

0:22:420:22:43

Our six-year-old refuses to eat anything

0:22:450:22:46

other than Alphabetti Spaghetti.

0:22:460:22:48

Luckily, he's dyslexic, so we just buy him normal spaghetti.

0:22:480:22:51

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

0:22:530:22:55

I've got the memory of an elephant.

0:22:580:23:00

I remember, one time, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

0:23:000:23:03

I was disappointed to find that Dunkirk wasn't actually a biography

0:23:120:23:16

of William Shatner.

0:23:160:23:17

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me on the bollocks.

0:23:230:23:26

My mate said, "It's karma."

0:23:260:23:27

I said, "No, if anything, it's even more angry."

0:23:270:23:30

I tell you what always catches my eye -

0:23:350:23:37

short people with umbrellas.

0:23:370:23:38

I put on a lot of weight, so I rang up Weight Watchers.

0:23:470:23:50

I said, "It's an emergency. Can you send somebody round?"

0:23:500:23:53

And they said, "Yes, we can. We've got loads of them."

0:23:530:23:55

I was actually thrown out of Weight Watchers

0:24:040:24:06

for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in.

0:24:060:24:08

As you can imagine, I accepted the decision with huge grace,

0:24:080:24:11

cos they threw her out as well.

0:24:110:24:13

I was watching TV. The announcer said,

0:24:200:24:21

"There's a documentary about the clitoris on the Red Button,"

0:24:210:24:24

but I couldn't find it.

0:24:240:24:25

I was in a fancy lingerie shop. I said, "Are these knickers satin?"

0:24:320:24:36

He said, "No, they're new."

0:24:360:24:37

I didn't know what to get my little niece for Christmas,

0:24:430:24:45

so I asked my sister what she's into.

0:24:450:24:47

Apparently, at the moment she's mad about Frozen stuff,

0:24:470:24:50

so I got her some oven chips and peas.

0:24:500:24:52

It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress

0:24:560:24:59

and now it's trying to blackmail me.

0:24:590:25:01

As a child, I was made to walk the plank.

0:25:050:25:07

We couldn't afford a dog.

0:25:070:25:08

I went on a positive thinking course.

0:25:140:25:16

It was shit.

0:25:160:25:17

Knew it would be.

0:25:180:25:20

And it was half-empty.

0:25:200:25:22

The area in a Nando's between the front and back door

0:25:240:25:26

is called the peri-perineum.

0:25:260:25:28

What I like most about that joke...

0:25:330:25:35

..is that people who know what a perineum is

0:25:370:25:39

usually haven't heard of Nando's.

0:25:390:25:41

Ironically, there's only a very small overlap between the two.

0:25:430:25:46

The doctor told me to lose some weight.

0:25:480:25:50

I said, "How?" He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."

0:25:500:25:52

I said. "What, pies, chips, that sort of thing?"

0:25:520:25:54

He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

0:25:540:25:57

Old-lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute,

0:26:040:26:07

like Lily or Elsie or Rose,

0:26:070:26:09

and we wanted something like that for our daughter,

0:26:090:26:11

but we couldn't decide, so in the end we just called her Nan.

0:26:110:26:14

She'll grow into it.

0:26:180:26:20

I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate by giving him any post

0:26:230:26:26

that's just addressed to the occupier.

0:26:260:26:28

If you watch a porn film backwards,

0:26:350:26:37

it's about a man who hoovers spunk off a woman...

0:26:370:26:39

..then breaks her washing machine and leaves.

0:26:440:26:47

We've all done it.

0:26:500:26:52

Friend of mine had a penis extension.

0:26:540:26:56

Now his house looks really stupid.

0:26:560:26:58

I was in a sex shop. I saw a dildo described as

0:27:020:27:04

nine inches long and realistic.

0:27:040:27:05

I thought, "Well, which is it?"

0:27:050:27:07

As a family, we couldn't decide

0:27:110:27:13

whether to have Nana buried or cremated,

0:27:130:27:14

so in the end we let her live.

0:27:140:27:16

My grandad went down in history, and on one occasion

0:27:200:27:23

fingered a girl in geography.

0:27:230:27:24

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov,

0:27:320:27:35

thinking, "Those stupid dogs,"

0:27:350:27:37

and then the bell went and we all had lunch.

0:27:370:27:39

Red sky at night - light of shorter wavelengths

0:27:420:27:44

is being dissipated by water vapour and atmospheric dust.

0:27:440:27:47

Red sky in the morning - same.

0:27:480:27:50

There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween, which is...

0:27:530:27:56

I thought PPI was just something you could get

0:28:040:28:06

if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.

0:28:060:28:08

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up,

0:28:130:28:16

I got her an identical one. She was livid.

0:28:160:28:18

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

0:28:180:28:20

I bought a chocolate bar. On the inside of the wrapper,

0:28:230:28:25

it said, "You're a loser".

0:28:250:28:27

I wouldn't have minded if there had been some sort of competition on.

0:28:270:28:30

To make things worse, it was a Boost.

0:28:300:28:32

A Christian friend of mine said that

0:28:350:28:37

sex between two men was wrong in their eyes.

0:28:370:28:39

I said, "You're quite right. It's supposed to be up the bum."

0:28:390:28:42

My uncle Derek was found dead with a belt round his neck

0:28:480:28:51

and a dildo up his arse. At his funeral, the vicar said

0:28:510:28:55

we'd always remember him for his charity work.

0:28:550:28:58

Wrong.

0:28:580:28:59

I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel.

0:29:070:29:09

She died.

0:29:090:29:10

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time

0:29:190:29:22

that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.

0:29:220:29:25

When I heard you could now be a sperm donor by post,

0:29:300:29:32

I came in a jiffy.

0:29:320:29:33

My girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms

0:29:370:29:39

with something special inside to boost her pleasure.

0:29:390:29:41

I said, "Oh, what's that?"

0:29:410:29:43

And she said, "Other men's cocks."

0:29:430:29:45

One time at a party, I chucked my car keys into a big bowl,

0:29:520:29:55

and everyone just stared at me and the trifle was ruined.

0:29:550:29:58

I've been trying to persuade my girlfriend

0:30:020:30:04

to sexually stimulate me with her key ring,

0:30:040:30:06

but she just keeps fobbing me off.

0:30:060:30:08

You've been lovely. I've been Gary Delaney. Thank you and goodnight. Bye-bye.

0:30:120:30:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:160:30:19

Give it up for Gary Delaney!

0:30:220:30:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:240:30:28

I'm going to introduce to you another comedian now.

0:30:280:30:30

I've gigged with him several times and every time,

0:30:300:30:32

I've been so impressed with his wit and his energy.

0:30:320:30:34

If you haven't seen him before, I'm so excited for you

0:30:340:30:36

that you're going to get to see him now.

0:30:360:30:38

Can you please go absolutely wild and crazy for Larry Dean?

0:30:380:30:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:420:30:45

GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: Thank you very much. Hello.

0:30:540:30:57

Oh, it is a pleasure to be here.

0:30:570:31:00

I'm not from round here.

0:31:010:31:04

If you're trying to place my accent,

0:31:050:31:07

I'm from the EU.

0:31:070:31:10

Well, it's good to be in London Town, man. I'm from Glasgow.

0:31:150:31:19

It means I'm friendly, cos we're very friendly in Glasgow.

0:31:210:31:24

Although we're a scary friendly.

0:31:240:31:27

We'll give you directions, but we'll follow you

0:31:280:31:30

to make sure that you've done them correctly.

0:31:300:31:32

It's a bit strange coming back down here,

0:31:350:31:37

ever since the EU referendum.

0:31:370:31:40

Cos since Scotland voted to stay and England voted to leave,

0:31:400:31:44

Scottish people feel as if they've got a moral high ground.

0:31:440:31:50

Have I pronounced that correctly?

0:31:500:31:52

Cos we've never had one of them before in Scotland.

0:31:520:31:55

It's so weird. On the day of the vote, we were like,

0:32:000:32:02

"Oh, we've won, because we've lost.

0:32:020:32:05

"That's the most Scottish thing we've ever done."

0:32:050:32:08

And ever since, it seemed like afterwards

0:32:090:32:11

that England was becoming more right-wing,

0:32:110:32:13

so Scotland started becoming more left-wing.

0:32:130:32:16

It was as if Scottish people had gone, "What,

0:32:160:32:19

"England's being racist?

0:32:190:32:22

"Oh, no, we're not doing that any more, guys. No.

0:32:220:32:25

"If England's doing it, we are not doing that."

0:32:270:32:30

It's making Scottish people better people.

0:32:310:32:33

As soon as England shows any racism, Scottish people are like,

0:32:330:32:38

"Oh, no, what you on about? We love foreigners here.

0:32:380:32:41

"Judging somebody based on a religion?

0:32:440:32:47

"No, we've never done that either. No."

0:32:470:32:50

It wasn't my first thought, though, after Brexit.

0:32:550:32:57

Cos I thought... Like a lot of Remain voters,

0:32:570:32:59

I thought, "I'm moving. I'm going to move."

0:32:590:33:01

And I thought, "I'm going to move to Australia,

0:33:010:33:03

"cos if I've got to live on a racist island,

0:33:030:33:05

"it may as well be sunny."

0:33:050:33:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:060:33:09

Thank you very much. I would have...

0:33:140:33:16

It would have been bad to move, man, though,

0:33:160:33:18

cos I do like living here and that.

0:33:180:33:20

And also, I'd have missed my family too much.

0:33:200:33:22

I moved back in with my parents about a year ago

0:33:220:33:25

cos I got out of a relationship.

0:33:250:33:27

You don't really move back in

0:33:270:33:29

with your parents for a good reason, do you?

0:33:290:33:31

It's not, "Oh, I got a promotion at work

0:33:310:33:33

"so I thought Mummy and Daddy could do with some company."

0:33:330:33:36

It's usually... It's either emotional issues

0:33:380:33:41

or financial issues.

0:33:410:33:42

My dad called mine the double whammy.

0:33:420:33:45

As soon as I moved back in with them, I thought,

0:33:470:33:48

"I've got to start dating again. I need an out plan, right?"

0:33:480:33:51

On my first date back, I was terrified, right?

0:33:510:33:53

It didn't help that the guy was a bit weird.

0:33:530:33:57

Oh, yeah, guy. I'm a gay person. Key change!

0:33:570:34:01

# Here we go, sisters! #

0:34:010:34:04

That's right. I'm a sodomite.

0:34:100:34:13

Nothing more scary than a Glaswegian gay man.

0:34:150:34:17

"I'm gonnae bum you."

0:34:170:34:19

Sorry, mate. You're a heterosexual?

0:34:250:34:28

Yeah, a nod of the head there. DEEP VOICE: "Yes, I love the vulva."

0:34:280:34:31

I don't know why I had to change my voice for that.

0:34:330:34:36

DEEP VOICE: "Yes, I love the vulva. Larry Dean, BBC News, I'm very gay."

0:34:360:34:39

This is my favourite bit of any gig, man.

0:34:410:34:43

I love this bit. It's so much fun.

0:34:430:34:44

Cos I'm just looking at all the straight men in the room

0:34:440:34:47

looking at me going, "Hold on, he's gay?

0:34:470:34:51

"He doesn't look gay. I don't look gay.

0:34:510:34:54

"Maybe I'm gay."

0:34:540:34:56

Actually, to be honest, I don't even like the word gay.

0:35:030:35:05

I'm not a fan of the word gay, cos the word gay gets used quite derogatory sometimes.

0:35:050:35:09

People are like, "Oh, that's gay. I don't like that. That's gay."

0:35:090:35:11

In Scotland, we don't even need to use that word.

0:35:110:35:13

In Scotland, we can describe somebody as a homosexual

0:35:130:35:17

by using any noun in the English language.

0:35:170:35:21

"What? Is he a blueberry, aye?"

0:35:220:35:24

"See that guy? I thought, 'He's a lava lamp.'"

0:35:270:35:30

I found this out when I was having an argument with my dad, right?

0:35:370:35:40

Cos I could see my dad wanted to call me a big Jessie,

0:35:400:35:43

but I could see him thinking, "I don't know if that's homophobic now, actually."

0:35:430:35:46

So my dad went, "Ah, get lost, you big...

0:35:460:35:50

"duvet."

0:35:500:35:51

Any other gay people in? Any gays in?

0:35:570:35:59

CHEERING

0:35:590:36:00

Mainly cordoned over there for some reason, man.

0:36:000:36:02

"This is our safe space over here. We'll be fine."

0:36:020:36:05

Took me a while to come to terms with it, man.

0:36:060:36:08

Cos I was... For a while, I was considering going to

0:36:080:36:10

one of those Pray the Gay Away camps.

0:36:100:36:14

No matter what you think of Pray the Gay Away camps,

0:36:140:36:16

it's a really catchy name they've got.

0:36:160:36:18

They couldn't have made it sound any more gay.

0:36:190:36:22

It's like, "Oh, are you going to pray the gay away? Not today, but OK."

0:36:220:36:25

Isn't it weird that if the word gay didn't rhyme with everything,

0:36:280:36:32

they wouldn't be able to have camps for it?

0:36:320:36:35

If the word gay was like a word that had no rhyme, like the word orange,

0:36:350:36:38

there'd be no such thing as the camps.

0:36:380:36:40

Oh, so, if gay people were called orange,

0:36:400:36:42

we'd get a lot more Pride parades in Scotland than Northern Ireland.

0:36:420:36:45

But at these Pray the Gay Away camps, right,

0:36:520:36:54

it's so weird, man. And you can look this up when you go home, I swear, right?

0:36:540:36:57

At a Pray the Gay Away camp,

0:36:570:36:59

what they do is they measure you using a Kinsey scale,

0:36:590:37:03

which is a scale of one to six

0:37:030:37:06

of how gay you are.

0:37:060:37:08

Who measures anything one to six?

0:37:100:37:13

It's either one to five or one to ten.

0:37:150:37:19

What must have happened is it was originally one to five...

0:37:190:37:24

..and somebody's turned up and they were just so gay.

0:37:270:37:31

"Oh, my God. He's a six!

0:37:370:37:39

"It truly is a number of the beast."

0:37:420:37:44

Just some guy looking like an inflatable man

0:37:460:37:49

outside a car dealership.

0:37:490:37:51

I tried to be one of them. I tried to be a level-sixer.

0:37:590:38:02

I tried to be a level-six strawberry cheesecake.

0:38:020:38:06

Cos I did, man. Cos I like... I love like...

0:38:060:38:08

I thought, "I'll try and be camp." Right? Cos it's easy...

0:38:080:38:11

Cos I thought, "Oh, if I'm camp, then people will know already."

0:38:110:38:14

So, I wanted to tell people, you know what I mean? Cos sometimes you assume.

0:38:140:38:17

So, I tried to be a level-six strawberry cheesecake, right?

0:38:170:38:20

So, I started, like, going around with my wrist down and...

0:38:200:38:25

I know I don't look camp. I just look ill.

0:38:250:38:27

I did that for a while, though, and I got to go to Disneyland for free,

0:38:300:38:33

so it wasn't all bad.

0:38:330:38:34

But nobody thought I was gay, right?

0:38:380:38:40

So, I started putting my bum out, as well.

0:38:400:38:43

That's not a problem. If I was camp, I would just look like a dinosaur.

0:38:430:38:47

Just walking down the road like that.

0:38:480:38:50

"Ooh, there's a sale on." HE SCREECHES

0:38:530:38:59

HE SCREECHES

0:39:060:39:09

Sorry, pal. Sorry, man. You all right? Sorry, buddy.

0:39:180:39:22

You're all right, mate. You're a hetero-saur! Hey!

0:39:240:39:27

I'll make him a mega-saur-arse. Wahay!

0:39:310:39:34

Just saying, "I'm a postman, not a postbox."

0:39:400:39:42

Oh, man, what a lovely reaction that was.

0:39:490:39:53

Some people laughing, others going, "What the hell does he mean?"

0:39:530:39:56

How I deliver the mail, hey-hey!

0:39:580:40:00

I'm terrified of that, though, man.

0:40:010:40:03

I'm so scared of anything going near my bum.

0:40:030:40:07

Goodnight.

0:40:100:40:11

Honestly, I'm so scared of it.

0:40:170:40:19

I'm what gay people call "selfish".

0:40:190:40:22

But I had to... Oh, I didn't know this, by the way.

0:40:230:40:25

Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum and...

0:40:250:40:30

That's the sound of women who trim their fingernails.

0:40:310:40:35

But I didn't... I genuinely had no idea.

0:40:350:40:38

Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum

0:40:380:40:41

when they're getting a blowjob.

0:40:410:40:43

That's like trying to get the last drop out of a Frube.

0:40:430:40:46

But I didn't know, man.

0:40:570:40:58

And also, like, cos I am genuinely scared of it,

0:40:580:41:01

and I had to go to the doctors for a prostate examination.

0:41:010:41:04

A prostate examination, if you don't know,

0:41:040:41:06

is a finger up the bum by a doctor.

0:41:060:41:09

Backwards, obviously. Like he's scared of doing it.

0:41:110:41:14

"Here we go.

0:41:140:41:15

"Why did I work hard in school?"

0:41:180:41:20

So that then my doctor's an ancient Egyptian.

0:41:220:41:25

And I was so freaked out about it happening, right?

0:41:290:41:32

But my doctor's a nice guy, and he's going,

0:41:320:41:34

"Calm down, Larry. It's a normal procedure.

0:41:340:41:37

"Just calm down."

0:41:370:41:39

And the doctor doesn't realise I'm so scared,

0:41:390:41:42

I'm not even looking at his face.

0:41:420:41:44

I'm just staring at his hands cos my doctor looks as if

0:41:440:41:48

he went to medical school on a basketball scholarship.

0:41:480:41:52

He's going to pick my nose while he's in there.

0:41:570:41:59

Either that or he's going to lift me up and spin me round for a bit.

0:42:020:42:06

So eventually the doctor got me to lean over,

0:42:110:42:14

cos Dr Jordan is stronger than me.

0:42:140:42:17

So I was leaning over, and I was shivering with fear,

0:42:210:42:25

and the doctor put his finger up there.

0:42:250:42:27

I was so scared that when he did that

0:42:270:42:31

I actually fainted.

0:42:310:42:33

For the doctor that must have been like resetting a Tamagotchi.

0:42:350:42:38

It's great. I found out I've got a snooze button in there.

0:42:440:42:48

Perfect for holidays.

0:42:540:42:55

"Five hours to Tenerife. What am I going to do on this flight?

0:42:550:42:58

"Oh, actually..."

0:42:580:42:59

Folks, you've been absolutely lovely.

0:43:040:43:06

It's been a dream come true for me. I've been Larry Dean.

0:43:060:43:08

Enjoy the rest of the night. Take care. Cheers. Thank you.

0:43:080:43:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:110:43:14

How good is Larry Dean? CHEERING

0:43:160:43:19

Please give it up for Gary Delaney, Larry Dean.

0:43:190:43:21

You've been an incredible audience.

0:43:210:43:23

I hope you've enjoyed your night. I'm Sara Pascoe. Goodnight!

0:43:230:43:26

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