Episode 3 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rob Beckett!

Oi, Oi!

Hello and welcome to Live At The Apollo.

I'm Rob.

-You happy? You good?

-Whoo!

-Nice.

I'm happy, I'm very happy to be here, right?

I'm very happy to be out the house.

Because me and me missus have moved and we've got a do-er upper.

She likes to call it a project.

Do you know what I call it? Fucking derelict!

I ain't got a sink, I ain't got a sink.

-You got a sink?

-No.

-No? You ain't got a sink?

-No, my housemate just took it out.

-Your housemate just took it out?

Who you living with, Handy Andy? What's going on?

-You've got a sink, haven't you?

-We've got a kitchen sink.

You got a kitchen sink, yeah? I ain't got one sink, mate.

The sink's coming next week, I ain't got nothing.

That's the only reason I'm 'ere!

Tell some jokes, wash me hands.

No sink. And I can't do any DIY.

Useless. All I can do is jet wash.

Amazing. I love a jet wash. Ah, a dirty patio? Yes, please.

It feels so good, it's so rewarding for such little effort, innit?

I love it, always leave a little patch to show them how dirty it was.

That's how dirty it was until I got involved.

I get carried away, I was out the front of me house,

went down the street, started doing a bus stop, not even mine.

I will jet wash anything if it stays still long enough.

Did a dog.

Come up lovely.

And the thing is, I can't do DIY and we've got a derelict house

but the problem is the father-in-law is one of those father-in-laws

that bought a wreck.

Did it up cos he knows all about DIY and now it's worth double,

and he comes round my house,

swinging his massive "I decorated my whole house" dick.

Knocking things off the side, smashing vases.

That's right, I got a vase, nothing to fill it up with.

No sink!

Empty vase, dead flowers, that's my life.

He's got a ladder.

Flash bastard.

Who does he think he is? How often's he going up high?

Just take your chances on a rickety chair like everyone else.

Live a little! Live life on the edge.

He's got a tool box. Well, I've got a tool box.

Well, I've got a Spider-Man lunchbox with a screwdriver in it.

As far as I'm concerned, that's a box with a tool in it.

Three screwdrivers, actually.

I had a very fortunate Christmas cracker episode.

And the annoying thing is, when he comes round to do jobs in the house,

I can't go out or play Fifa,

I've got to stand near him like I'm helping.

I don't know anything, I might as well be standing next to a vet.

I've got nothing in my locker.

Just stand under his ladder,

dust and paint like his little peasant helper boy.

"Sire, what can I do for you, sire?

"What can I do while you do the curtain, DIY God?"

He just demands things like, "Pass me my "Phillip" screwdriver."

What kind of wanker names his screwdrivers?

Idiot.

"Do you want Peter and Paul while I'm down here, do ya?"

We have to spend a lot more time with the in-laws as well now,

cos we've got a kid.

And at Christmas time, they want to see the kid, don't they?

So, we have to split Christmases between her parents and my parents.

Year on, year off, she calls it.

Good year, shit year, that's what it should be called.

A year you enjoy Christmas,

a year you want to stab yourself in the eyes with screwdrivers.

They do have some nice bits of their Christmas.

They're a lovely family, very middle class.

They have a lovely tradition, which involves, every Christmas,

the family get a new pair of pyjamas, right?

Each - not one massive pair they all pile in.

All get a new pair of pyjamas, right? And they put them on, right?

And then they go to bed. There's three daughters in the family,

I'm married to one of the girls, she's got two sisters.

So, they all put their new pyjamas on, go to bed,

wake up in the morning in their new pyjamas, get the stocking

from the end of their bed, run in their mum and dad's room,

sit on the bed and the whole family, in their new pyjamas,

open their stockings.

What a lovely tradition, innit, eh? When they're three, five and eight.

Not last Christmas, when on the bed in their pyjamas,

was a 21-year old, a 25-year-old and a 28-year-old!

Sat in he corner is me.

A fully grown adult man,

sitting there with a boner.

It's not my fault, nothing weird's going on -

they've got me up too early and rushed me through.

I've not been to the toilet,

it's like I'm smuggling in half a Toblerone.

Well, a couple of Alps, give me a chance.

It's a nightmare first thing, innit, in the morning?

Everyone goes, "Oh, men, they can get it out and go wherever."

Not first thing in the morning.

It's like pissing through a metal chopstick, you haven't got a chance.

You're arching your back like a cat trying to get out the bath.

"What are you doing in there?"

"Either piss on the ceiling or I'll snap it in half!"

"Do you want more grandkids?"

Don't know why I'm shouting, the door was open.

It's all grown up for me now. Wife, kids, stuff like that, you know.

Bought a tumble dryer.

I'm doing all right.

Got a tumble dryer. Love the tumble dryer.

I love the tumble dryer cos he don't care.

He's an animal.

He's like the wild card on a stag do,

he'll do whatever you want him to do.

The tumble dryer has got one setting - on.

It's all he knows. On.

It's all he cares about - all he wants to know is, how long?

15 towels, nine hours, wallop, tumble!

Tumble!

Don't care. Chuck a bowl of water in it, he'll try and dry it.

Tumble!

He don't even need to be in the house.

Get in the shed, get in the shed, tumble!

Love it, love the tumble dryer.

My clothes are so dry.

They're so dry, my clothes, with the tumble.

They're so dry!

I used to just hang them up and hope in the hallway.

They're so dry.

Nothing fits, but...

..they're so dry and tiny, my clothes, I love it.

Anything you want, chuck it in the tumble!

All he needs, a little de-fluff now and again, which is fun, innit?

That's why it's fun. And a little hole for the tumble tube.

Needs a little hole. You know the tube,

I think he shouts the water out.

"Tumble!" Needs a little hole for that, innit?

We got ours in the kitchen, our tumble dryer,

cos there's a gap where the sink should be.

I know what you're thinking.

Where's the tumble tube going? Where you putting the tube?

Cat flap.

Perfect, innit?

Straight through the flap, door still locked, house secure,

no breeze cos it's through the flap!

Only problem is, no-one told the cat.

Poor little fella's coming home after a night out.

"Oh, hello, there's a tube in my flap.

"What's going on there? Some sweets, some Dreamies? What's..."

Tumble!

Tumbled the cat, didn't we?

It's all right, got a nice little kitten now, it's quality.

It will shrink anything.

I like the dishwasher, as well - got a dishwasher

I like the dishwasher, he's all right.

Keeps his head down, doesn't he? Stays out of trouble.

Occasionally pops his little light on, don't he?

"Hello, beep-beep! Dishwasher here. D-dub just checking in.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I need some salt."

What? Why?

What you doing in there, tequila? What's happening?

You're supposed to be washing the glasses, not using 'em.

What's he need salt for?

Before I got a dishwasher, I didn't do the washing up by hand

and go, "'Ere we go, let's get the bowl of salt out,

"can't do the dishes without seasoning, can we?"

What's he want now, a handful of coriander?

There you go, mate, get on with it.

The worst is when it asks for rinse aid.

Get a life.

Rinse aid. Do me a favour.

It's got two jobs - wash it, rinse it. Shut up.

But I don't mind the dishwasher.

Washing machine, though, I do not like. Arrogant.

Flash, innit? Smarmy little bastard.

Too many settings, innit? It reckons itself. Dunnit?

Quick wash, slow wash, 30-degree, 40-degree, 50-degree.

Synthetics, cottons, silk!

And it's a liar.

It's a liar, the washing machine.

It lies about how long's left.

Never been right.

Walked past it the other day. 30 minutes, it said.

Well, cos it said 30,

I don't know what it's counting in, but it said 30.

Go and watch the football.

Watched the first half of the football, 45 minutes,

come back, it's on ten.

In what world was that 20 minutes?

I turned round, looked in the fridge, went back,

it went down to nine. That weren't a minute.

And I know that cos it's a minute before the fridge alarm goes off.

I thought I'll go and watch the second half of the football, right?

Watched it, 45 minutes, come back, it's on one.

Eight-minute second half, that don't make sense, does it?

But I thought I'm busy but I'm not that busy, I'll sit it out.

Ten minutes, I looked at a one minute.

I was getting more and more angry, I was just losing it.

I thought, "Just go to bed, Rob, just go to bed,

"sort it out in the morning, right?"

Went upstairs, went to bed, right? Got ready for bed, cleaned my teeth,

four hours later, I'm getting into bed, and...

I'm trying to make them more subtle.

I get into bed, my head hits the pillow, right?

Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Finished, innit? And I've got one of those machines that beeps forever.

I don't know if you have this cos I don't need it to beep forever,

just a couple of beeps would do, cos it's not as if

if it don't beep forever, I'll forget I own a washing machine

and clothes.

Just walk past it every day forever.

"What's that big white thing with clothes in? God knows.

"If it beeped, I'd have a look in it, but seeing as it's not beeping,

"I'll leave it shut for the rest of my life."

I think, right, it's beeping, just go downstairs,

get it out the washing machine and chuck it in the tumble dryer,

you'll be fine, the old faithful, not a problem, right?

Get up, go downstairs, go to open it...

"Sorry, I'm locked.

"I'm locked for your safety, actually, I'm locked.

"I'm draining."

How much water could be in there?

I'll be all right, we're not on the Titanic, mate.

Just open it up, let me in.

I'm willing to take the risk.

And I lost it.

And I don't know if you've ever ripped

the door off a washing machine...

..with your bare hands?

It feels good.

The only problem is, when the repair man's there in the morning

and he goes, "How did this happen?"

And all you've got is, "It come off in my hand."

And he goes, "Well, in my opinion, it looks like it's been

"ripped from the hinges and stamped on."

"Well, I'm not paying you for your opinion.

"Fix it, shut up and get out of my house."

"Is your dad staying for dinner, or is he going?"

I like it, though, when the father-in-law can't do a job.

Then we get a builder in.

And I like that cos then you can just pay 'em and get on with it,

it's not like, you know, you don't have to be thankful

and it's better, innit?

The only problem is the builder is my dad's mate,

he's a proper geezer. Proper South East London geezer.

One of those builders that - you know that walk?

He just walks like that,

his legs like he's got a pool table between his legs.

And he walks like that and also,

he's got those really thin jogging bottoms.

You know, those like grey jogging bottoms that builders wear?

I don't know where they get them from. They're so thin!

And it just grabs on to anything that's there.

I feel like I'm getting stared out by his nob and balls as he comes in.

And it's more... It's weirder than him being naked, I don't know why.

It feels more intrusive. He's like, "Hello, son, what we got 'ere?"

"I don't know, everything! Everything's there."

Walking around like that.

I reckon I could draw his nob and bollocks from memory

better than mine!

So, he's come in like that and I'm like, "Oh, God.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" He goes, "Yeah, I'll have a cup of tea."

"How many sugars?" He went, "13."

That's not a cup of tea any more, that's a pudding!

That's an Angel Delight with a tea bag in it.

13 sugars? I had arm ache sticking it in.

It's about three quid's worth of sugar!

He's only come round for a quote, it's already cost me.

I put 14 in to test him.

Give it him, he went, "It's a bit sweet, innit?"

Are you winding me up? You're normally on 13, you greedy bastard!

Old type-2 Terry's come round and it's a bit sweet for him, is it?

"When you going to do this job?

"I want it done before your foot comes off, all right?"

Anyway, I had a Kit Kat in the fridge, I thought, right,

let's get him back on side, I've got this Kit Kat. He's into sugar,

I like introducing people to new things, see if he wants a Kit Kat.

Four-finger Kit Kat. How would you eat a Kit Kat? Four fingers?

I've said that wrong, haven't I?

I thought you looked at me funny!

Sorry, I said that like it was your name!

What I meant to say...

I don't know what I meant to say.

I mean to... How would you... How would you eat a four-finger Kit Kat?

But I went, "How would you eat a Kit Kat, four fingers?"

Hello, four fingers, how's it going?

Who needs thumbs, eh?

Need to smoke, by the looks of things. Sorry about that.

Not an ideal nickname for a young lady, is it, really?

So, what would you do? One finger at a time? Is that what you'd...?

Shall we start again? Shall we start again?

-Sorry, what's your name? Anita. Anita.

-Nice to meet you, Anita.

Sorry for calling you four fingers.

Anyway, how do you eat your Kit Kat? That's what I was going for.

-One at a time.

-One at a time.

One at a time's the normal approach to a four....

Got there! Yes!

Anyway, one at a time's the normal approach

to a four-finger Kit Kat, innit, right?

I gave this builder a four-finger Kit Kat.

He picked it up.

Put the whole thing in his mouth at once.

Bit into it like he was eating a bun.

Dirty ogre sugar bitch.

What kind of animal is one-popping a four finger Kit Kat?

If you want to one-pop a Kit Kat,

get yourself a Chunky - that's its job!

Right, are you ready for your first act?

Whoo!

Please welcome to the stage Jen Brister!

-Well, good evening, Apollo.

-Whoo!

It's lovely to be here, I've come all the way from Brighton.

-Whoo!

-Just in case you're wondering what this haircut is about.

I might be a new face for some of you people.

Don't panic, the BBC invited me here cos they needed a beige lesbian.

So I'm just here to tick some boxes.

Not your box, madam, just...

Just a metaphorical box.

I'm half Spanish, that's what's happening there.

I've got a Spanish mum and she lives here in the UK, it's all very legal.

She's lived longer in the UK than she's ever lived in Spain

but the brilliant thing about my mum is that she's never lost her accent.

"She talks very, very quickly," like this, "lots of words

"she cannot pronounce, lots and lots of words she cannot pronounce, huh?"

My favourite word that my mum's never been able to pronounce is...

..my brother's name.

It's not even a difficult name, his name's Steven.

I don't know if you've noticed this but Spanish people,

any word that begins with the letter S, they struggle, right?

So, my mum doesn't call him Steven. She calls him... "E-teven."

"What's his name, Mum?" "E-teven."

"Is it?

"Isn't it just Steven?"

"I know his name, he's my son, it is E-te-VEN!"

You don't want to mess with my mum.

She's not like British people -

here in this country, we can be quite passive aggressive, can't we?

She's just a very aggressive woman.

I don't know how... My mum's never really coped in this country

and I think it's because, like a lot of Mediterranean people,

she's quite loud. Yeah? She's got one volume, it's like this.

"HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?"

Whereas in this country, particularly if we're middle class,

we tend to be low talkers, don't we?

We don't like to raise our voices, do we?

Why? Because we've got money.

And we just assume that if you are raising your voice,

well, you're probably...poor.

Or worse, foreign.

Great thing about having a Mediterranean mum is they feed you.

Oh, my God, she's always feeding, that's her way of showing

that she loves her children, is to feed us.

I can remember going around friends' houses, you know, like English mums?

Go round an English mum's house

and the conversation with Mum's more like this.

"Hm. I think you've had enough."

My mum will feed you till you puke.

Anything could be going on in my life and my mum will relate it back

to a meal that she's cooked. Do you know what I mean?

Like, so, good or bad, particularly if I'm depressed.

If I phone up my mum and I've had a terrible day, yeah?

I phone up my mum, conversation always goes like this...

"Oh, Jennifer, my God, I'm so sorry to hear

"that you're having a hard time right now,

"but you know what? Don't worry, OK?

"I made a soup."

"Come home, you sound hungry.

"I made a chilli con carne, a lamb tagine, I made a casserole,

"I made some tortillas, some paella, some curry,

"maybe some meatballs, some pork ball, beef balls,

"aniseed ball, banana ball, you're a lesbian,

"you don't eat enough balls, please...come home.

"Eat my balls."

I'm 42. Don't worry, I'm not going to moan about my age.

I realise there's nothing worse than somebody younger than you

moaning about their age.

You know when you overhear somebody saying things like this on the bus,

"I'm going to be 23 on Saturday."

SHE SIGHS "And I just feel really old."

And you think, "I will stab you in the face."

I'm not going to moan about it.

You get boring as you get older cos you do less!

And the way to make sure that you really nail the coffin in dullness -

have kids. Oh, my God!

Snoresville!

I've got twins. I've got twins, yeah.

They're going to be three in a few weeks' time.

And... Don't cheer that, thank you.

If you had twins, you'd be like,

"Oh, unbelievable, keep going, mate!"

Because I am... This is a dream sequence for me,

I think I'm actually dead.

Do you know what I was really worried about before I had children?

It wasn't about being a parent, I was really worried about being dull.

Cos I... I mean, look, having kids late, 42, yeah?

And they're only, like, nearly three.

Most of my friends have had kids and I remember,

my best mate, when she had her kids, dear God.

Before the children arrived, we'd have interesting conversations

about current affairs, popular culture.

She'd ask me questions like, "How are you?"

Soon as the kids arrived, that went.

Go round the house and it's a bit more like this.

"Oh, hi, Jen. Oh, Jen, thanks so much for coming.

"Jen, look at the baby, isn't it the most beautiful you've ever seen?

"We love this baby, we like to look at it all day.

"Jen, look at the baby, look at the baby.

"We don't want to miss a second of anything the baby's doing.

"We've learnt so much since. What did we learn today, Dave?

"Really important today, what did we learn? War is bad.

"We didn't know that till we had a baby. Look at the baby.

"We like to take photographs and video everything the baby does

"because we think our baby's a genius, more clever

"than any other baby that's ever existed before in all of time.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Dave? Weird.

"My God, the baby's blinking, incredible! Video it,

"play it back to our friends while they self harm in our living room."

I do not want to be that person.

And it is not sustainable. Yeah? Because that mate of yours

will make the error of having two, or maybe three kids.

Go round their house after they've had the second or third child

and you'll find a very subtle change in their behaviour,

it's a bit more like this.

"Sorry, mate, can I just stop you there? It's just that

"little Johnny's got his fingers in a plug socket

"and I'm really worried he might electrocute himself."

"Leave him, we've got another one. Open the Pinot Grigio."

Being a parent is hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

And no-one tells you.

In fact, no-one is more delighted for you to have children

than your friends who have children.

They are over and above more excited for you than members of your family.

Tell a mate with kids that you're going to have kids,

they're like that! "Ha-ha-ha! "Oh, Gaaaaad, I'm so happy for you.

"Children give you so much, you'll grow as a person,

"ha-ha-ha! Unconditional love."

At the time you think, God, they are really happy for me.

It's only after you have your kids that you go, "That was hysteria."

Do you know what I wish? One of my mates had taken me to one side

and given me an idea about what to expect.

Just sat me down, gave me a little bit of a truth bomb.

I would have appreciated this conversation...

"Brister. Hello, mate, why don't you sit down?

"Just to let you know it's a bit of a horror show.

"You're never going to finish a cup of tea or coffee again.

"You're going to have to have a shit with the door open.

"Your sex life is over, your social life is dead and if you want to have

"an ice cream, you're going to have to have it

"behind a bin in the garden. Anyway.... Congratulations!"

You're so tired all of the time.

I'm so tired all of the time, all of my fantasies are about sleep.

Before I had kids, I had normal fantasies, you know,

some of them were filthy. I won't go into those.

But normal fantasies like going on holiday somewhere hot,

you know, two weeks abroad, yeah?

Maybe a boozy Sunday lunch with your mates.

Or...I don't know, just going out for a lovely meal with your partner,

you know, normal fantasies.

Do you want to know what I fantasise about now, Apollo?

I fantasise about being Lenny Henry in that Premier Inn ad.

Ooh, I think, Lenny, you nailed it, mate.

Double bed in Waterloo station, that looks bloody brilliant.

Your standards drop. You don't even notice them dropping.

Do you know what? I used to be very judgmental of mums on a school run

before I had kids.

Yeah, when we talk about feminism, I tell you, no-one judges a woman

more than another woman, yeah?

I would see them on a school run and I'd think,

"Oh, my God, run a brush through your hair love!"

Do you know what I mean?

"Jesus, are those bootleg jeans? What's going on?"

"Oh, my God, you're wearing Crocs!

"I'm a lesbian, even I wouldn't wear Crocs. Make an effort, love."

The other day I was trying to leave the house,

my girlfriend asked me to sniff her jeans. I said, "Why?"

She said, "There's piss on them,

"I just want to know how bad it smells."

I was like, "Whoa! Who are we?"

I ought to clear up the main question which I know is,

you know, you're going to be thinking, going to be wondering,

that is which one of you did "the deed"?

So, I'll just clear that up for you right now

and let you know that I am the non-biological mum

and my girlfriend is the biological mum.

And that is how we refer to each other at home.

Like we're boxes of detergent.

She's Persil and I'm Daz, that's just how we did it.

People ask me questions, I'm not naive,

I understand that the family I've created with my partner

is not the usual set-up, you know? I understand that.

And one of the questions I get asked most often is this...

"Jen, can I ask how you came to the decision

"that you would be happy to be the non-biological mum?

"That you didn't want to carry your children?"

And, Apollo, obviously I thought about this for a very long time,

but the reason I was happy to be the non-biological mum

is because I'm not...

..fucking stupid.

Why would I do it when I can get her to do it?

So, I am a gay and it's really hard as a gay, when you have to come out.

Yeah? That's the hardest thing.

Obviously, you don't ever come out once,

you're having to come out all the time to people

but the hardest time to come out is when you come out to your mum.

Yeah? Cos you don't want your mum to reject you.

And I can remember when I was wanting to come out to my mum,

it was really... It was a bit difficult cos my mum's

obviously Spanish, so therefore she's Catholic,

and you know what the Catholics are like, they don't really like...

..people, so...

I was worried about telling her. I remember sitting my mum down,

I said, "Mum I've got something I want to tell you."

My mum went, "OK, don't, tell me, you have been travelling,

"you have these weird thoughts in your head,

"I don't need to know this. If you don't tell me,

"I don't need to deal with it." I said, "Well, Mum, I want to tell you

"and it's important that you hear it from me."

My mum's like, "Jennifer, I cannot hear this information, OK?

"Please do not tell me, because I do not want to hear it!"

I said, "You do need to hear it and it's important

"that you hear it from me." "No, Jennifer, OK?

"In Spain, when these people come to our country, we say get out."

I said, "My God, you're supposed to love me unconditionally."

She said, "I'm sorry, Jennifer, conditions apply."

"Look, Mum, it's really important that you hear this from me first."

"No, your aunt and uncle do not like these people."

"Your grandmother does not know these people exist."

"You're gonna hear it from me anyway." "No, I cannot hear this."

"I want to tell you." "I don't want to hear this..."

"I'm going to tell you anyway." "La-la-la-la!"

"Will you shut up, Mum?

"I'm just trying to tell you that I'm a lesbian."

My mum looked at me and she just said, "Oh, thank God!

"I thought you were going to tell me you were vegetarian.

"Because I just cooked a stew."

Apollo, you've been an absolute delight.

Enjoy the rest of your evening. Thank you so much.

Jen Brister!

Oh, yes!

You ready for another act?

Whoo!

Welcome to the stage Darren Harriott!

Yes! Wagwan?

Glad to be here, man, my name is Darren Harriott.

I'm 29. Very much a typical sort of millennial, you know.

I've got typical millennial traits, always on my phone!

My favourite website...is Google.

I know, it's a bit weird innit? It's not a website, it's a search engine.

It's like saying, "What's your favourite sexual position?"

"Bedroom."

I tell you what I love about Google, right?

You can tap anything you want into the search bars

and you never get in trouble. Like, anything.

I was bored one day and I tapped into Google,

"How to dispose of a dead body."

The weird part was by the time I'd tapped in "dispose",

Google finished the rest of the sentence off for me.

I went, "Oh, that's a bit weird, right?"

Somebody else has already asked this as a question.

Literally hundreds and hundreds of comments from people

saying things like, "Don't worry, close the laptop, pray,

"the Lord will forgive you."

Except for one psychopath who wrote a full detailed description

of exactly how to dispose of a dead body.

To the point where it was chilling.

It was like, "Yeah, you got to chop the body into pieces,

"shave the hair off, take the teeth out,

"put the body parts into bin liners,

spray the bin liner with deodorant, so that cats don't rip the bag."

Really chilling. Then at the end, he just had the nerve to put,

"Hope this helps."

What a nice guy!

I'm obsessed, man. I'm obsessed with the way society is going.

-Like, do you think we're getting too PC?

-Yes!

We might be. Every year, we lose a Halloween costume.

I tell you why I think that, right?

I tell you why I think we might be getting too PC.

We now have racial emojis.

Remember when all emojis were yellow? And nobody cared?

I tell you why I don't like these new racial emojis.

Because I had no idea what shade of black I was...

..until these new emojis came out.

But apparently, I am second-to-last black.

Yeah, on holiday, I'm the guy on the end.

Online, man, that's a weird place.

Sometimes it's too PC, then sometimes it's racist.

Like YouTube, the comments, really racist, man!

I was watching this Japanese kid do martial arts.

Really good, this Japanese kid,

he's doing kicks and all this sort of nonsense.

This guy's left a comment, he's put,

"Hey buddy, guess what? You're shit."

Which is fine, that's his opinion, right?

Then he puts, "PS, did you enjoy Hiroshima?"

I know! Completely uncalled for, right?

But then, this Japanese kid has replied

with what I can only describe as the most relaxed response

to racism I've ever read.

He just put, "Nah, mate, wasn't there."

He made it sound like a festival.

Universities, you can't say anything at a university now,

you get in trouble.

Like, universities now are overly PC to the point where it gets

a bit confusing, right?

I read this one article about this one university

and they sent this memo to all of their students, and it went,

"If you avoid eye contact with any other student on campus,

"you might be considered a racist."

And I'm like, ooh, I don't think

they've ever met a racist person before,

cos they don't avoid eye contact.

They're very good at keeping with the eye contact.

Like, if you're a racist person, you don't avoid eye contact,

you avoid carnivals...

..and the world food aisle in ASDA.

If you're a racist, that world food aisle

is everything that's wrong with this country, in the form of tins.

I am British. I'm black British.

I like being black British cos you can brag about the British Empire

but have none of the guilt.

Oh, it's amazing!

I am British and proud, man. Listen, I voted in the Brexit thing.

-I voted Remain. I did.

-Whoo!

Take it easy!

But I am on board with Brexit, man.

Honestly, I voted Remain but I believe in Brexit now.

You know why? Cos I believe in this country!

I do, I believe in Great Britain.

I feel like anything you put in front of the British people,

we can overcome! Well, except snow.

Every year we struggle with snow.

We've run out of salt and bread for some reason.

One thing we can agree on, though,

we're gonna lose these negotiations, innit?

Like, as soon as it was announced, Brexit, everybody started talking

about what we want, what we have to offer for the whole year.

There's been no surprises! They know everything.

Theresa May is going to walk out of these negotiations bare foot.

"Look, we owe 100 billion and they took my shoes."

I tell you why I voted in the Brexit thing.

Never cared about politics before, until then. Very millennial way.

I saw a clip online of a woman losing her mind about Brexit,

and she said something I had never heard before

and I've still never heard it.

She was on Question Time and she was like,

"Look, I am white English, and because of these refugees,

"we are now the indigenous people of this land."

And I'm sitting there in my boxer shorts, like, "For real?"

You're indigenous now, really? You're dying out, really?

Really? Sting's going to bring you to the Emmys, really? Really?

Now look, I know there's white English people in here today

and I just want to say, Thank you for coming.

It's always good to have some of the natives in.

Oh! I'm going to be taking pictures with you outside.

Show the grandkids how crazy things were!

You're still in the lead, innit? You're still in the lead -

I've been to Cornwall.

The world's fun, now we got Trump, right?

-Boo!

-Ah, stop it, he's silly!

Honestly, I don't hate him because he makes me laugh!

He's hilarious. You know what? I expect America

to have that kind of President, man. That's American to me.

Cos, like, America's like a new country, innit? How old is America?

241 years old.

And I was told that America has spent 220 of those years

in active war.

There comes a time when America just has to look at itself and go,

"Maybe it's me."

They keep trying to get Trump, don't they?

He's got a 40% approval rating and dropping.

I'm like, "40%! That's not that bad."

Like, America's massive, innit?

40%, that's like 100 million people not only like him,

but they think he's doing a good job.

Isn't it weird how the 40% approval rating

as a President isn't that bad?

But it's absolutely catastrophic if you're an eBay seller.

I ain't trusting someone with 40% approval rating.

Hell, no!

It's crazy. We had all these marches!

-Feminist march, you guys go?

-Whoo!

Yeah, man, even I went!

I did, I went there looking for a date.

Honestly, a bunch of women angry at an old white guy -

as a young black guy, smooth sailing, boy!

I went there with a net.

There was some creepy guy there as well who had a T-shirt on

that said, "I am a feminist." And I was like, "Ugh, all right."

Then he opens his bag, puts a hat on that said "I am a feminist" too.

And I was like, "You're a creep."

Honestly, I support the feminist movement, but come on.

Really? You need to put it on two different types of fabric.

Really? And I support it, I do,

but I reckon deep down, women aren't even attracted to guys like that

who walk around with a T-shirt saying "I am a feminist".

Because deep down, you know he's not going to do all the things

you want in the bedroom.

Even the basic stuff. "Tell me I've been a bad girl."

"You're a strong independent woman."

Exactly.

I support it, I do. Like, this whole Dr Who thing.

Dr Who's a female. Who cares? Right?

Like, I'm not a fan of the show, so it doesn't bother me.

Honestly, they could have made the next Doctor a badger.

Like, don't care.

What annoyed me was, like, when they started giving, like, reasons why.

What they should've done is just gone,

"Hey, Doctor Who's a female, deal with it, losers!"

But instead, what they gave what they call a "Whovian" answer

and it really bugged me a bit.

It sounded worse, they were like,

"The Doctor is a shapeshifting alien, not a man, not a woman,

"and on this occasion, the shapeshifting alien

"has decided to take the form of a human woman."

And I was like, "Eugh, that sounds worse."

Because that makes it sound like this alien has always had

a choice, you know what I mean?

For 55 years of Doctor Who, 12, 13 different Doctors,

this non-prejudiced shape-shifting alien

could've always been a woman or a black guy.

But at every opportunity, even the re-boot, was like,

"No, I'll take old white guy again, please."

White male privilege works on any planet.

I'm a big supporter of people's rights, man.

That's my thing, big supporter.

The LGBT community, big supporter of that.

But I got told off cos it's not just LGBT any more, is it?

It's a little bit longer. It's LGBTQIAPK.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer,

intersex, asexual, pansexual, kinky.

Yeah! They've took all the colours of the rainbow,

now they're taking the letters.

And I support it, I do, I support it, except for the last one.

Kinky.

Are kinky people a marginalised group now?

Kinky's just a matter of opinion, innit?

What's kinky to me might just be Tuesday for you, you piece of shit!

I tell you one thing, right? Officially...

Officially, there's over 50 different genders now.

50! It's catching up with Pokemon.

And I support it, again, I support all these different genders

but I tell you one thing -

that's really going the ruin the game Guess Who?.

"Is it a man?" "No." "OK."

"Is it someone who was born a man and now lives as a woman?"

"No." "OK."

"Is it someone who was born a man

"but no longer lives as a man or a woman,

"refers to themselves as gender fluid

"and doesn't answer the pronouns he or she?"

"Also wearing a hat."

Guys. I just want to say, back when I was trying to make it as a comic,

I used to work here as a security guard.

So doing this now has been a legit dream come true.

Thank you very much, man!

Darren Harriott!

And give it up for the acts you've seen, Jen Brister!

Darren Harriott!

And I've been Rob Beckett. Be lucky and goodnight!