Episode 1 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight...

Sara Pascoe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello!

Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. My name is Sara Pascoe.

It's my dream to be here.

It's a beautiful, beautiful venue,

and I just love... Do you love London?

CHEERING I love London.

I feel like London is created by the people, right?

Who are just crazy and sexy and ambitious.

I got into an Uber the other day, not bragging...

LAUGHTER I am.

I got into an Uber, and the driver, he said,

"Would you like to have the radio on?"

And I was like, "Oh, I don't mind, it's up to you."

And then he said, "Well, actually, I make my own music."

LAUGHTER

"Do you mind if I put some of that on?"

"No, I don't."

And then he put on Drake's new album.

LAUGHTER

I wonder how often it works.

I wonder how often there's a middle-aged white woman thinking,

"Oh, well, he looks like Aladdin,

"and he sounds like confidence personified."

LAUGHTER

"Pull over and jump in the back, Nikolai."

I love it.

I'm having a good life.

I have recently started doing yoga, which has just changed...

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Yes, woo, for the yoga over there.

Are you a team, come to...?

LAUGHTER

I'm new to it, I'm new to it.

I love it. Yoga has changed my life, it's brilliant, yoga is my new drug.

My old drug was drugs.

Which I'm not going to say anything positive about,

because it would be incredibly irresponsible.

I'm not going to say anything positive about drug-taking.

What I will say is I didn't take MDMA until I was 32,

and it was such a relief to know I could be happy.

LAUGHTER

I just assumed the equipment's broken.

But yoga is nearly as good, and there's no downsides.

It's given me a whole new language.

My favourite new word is "Namaste".

It's a very old word, it's very sacred,

and it means the yoga has finished now.

LAUGHTER

And then you're allowed to leave.

I think that the key to being happy as you get older is self acceptance,

I have to accept things about myself now.

Like, I'm 36, I thought I would have children by now, and I don't.

In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise.

I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics,

so that I could show them to my parents and go,

"See, it was my childhood, they're fine".

LAUGHTER

But science can't do that yet.

Then I had a crazy day last month where I just thought,

"I'm just going to buy some sperm.

"I'm just going to buy some sperm off the internet."

"I've got a good job, I'm just going to buy some sperm."

Guys, sperm is so much more expensive

than I thought it was going to be.

It is tens of thousands of pounds.

We are all wasting a valuable resource.

LAUGHTER

17-year-old me would have been a millionaire

if I'd learned how to catch it and chuck it in the freezer.

LAUGHTER

So expensive, it was a shock.

But I do think self-acceptance is the key.

Like, there's things about myself I don't like,

but I just have to accept now that they're not going to change,

this is who I am. So, for instance,

I don't like art.

I think art is rubbish.

I think lots of people think art is rubbish,

but we're too worried of looking stupid, so we go along with it.

I think that the worst art form is theatre.

All right, OK, I can sense how unpopular this opinion is.

Hear me out. I think theatre is diabolical.

I do. Look, and also, I'm aware, if you're a performer of some kind,

if you're an actor, look, please don't be offended -

I don't mean being in the play.

Obviously, if you're the person in the play

that gets to put a wig on and walk up and down and move your arms

and project your voice,

saying things like, "Um, I think you'll find

"you're contradicting yourself, Alan."

Fun!

Having to watch it...

Dear Christ.

I can't concentrate, I can't lose myself in the story.

I know that it's not real

because I'm surrounded by people eating crisps.

LAUGHTER

And they don't let you look at your phone, so all you're thinking is...

"Well, how long has it been?"

LAUGHTER

And you have to judge from how long it feels, which is forever.

And then they have a false ending,

called an interval...

Where, technically, you could leave,

but you have Stockholm syndrome

and you don't want everyone around you

to think you weren't intelligent enough to understand the play.

So you just sit there and you're trying to be positive,

you just think things like,

"Well, sometimes the second half is shorter."

LAUGHTER

Then, eventually, after several days, the play finishes.

Then what happens is you're flooded with an incredible feeling,

and it's called freedom.

It's electricity in your veins,

you're thinking, "I can do anything now.

"I can go outside, I could have a sandwich..."

And I think we confuse that feeling for having enjoyed the play.

LAUGHTER

And so you go in to work the next day, like,

"Guys, guys, you must see A View From The Bridge."

But it wasn't A View From The Bridge you enjoyed,

it was when it stopped happening.

I think this is about all of the performing arts.

I think opera, come on, come on.

It's just jokey singing gone long.

I think ballet is nonsensical.

I'm aware that people dedicate their lives to getting good at it,

but they shouldn't.

They're all wiggling around and, apparently, there's a story,

but if you want to find out the story,

you have to read the programme, like a book.

"Oh, look, apparently somebody's trapped inside the body of a swan."

Why are you telling me?

Call the RSPB...

LAUGHTER

..or the Queen. Also, I don't like music.

I know that everyone likes music, but I don't like it.

It's too noisy, shut up, music.

I don't want to have an emotion I didn't have a minute ago, thank you.

I don't want any memories. I do like Drake,

but that's only because I got off with him once in an Uber.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm sure,

I'm sure we'd all agree that the worst musical style is jazz.

You're really different with me.

Jazz is the worst.

I think it's the worst noise that human beings make.

It's oral excrement.

"Oh, Sara, is your dad a jazz musician?"

Shut up, my ex-boyfriend's therapist.

This has got nothing to do with my...

It's connected to my dad.

A stressed off-beat just reminds me of being neglected.

LAUGHTER

What else don't I like? Oh, there is a good part of an art gallery -

it's called the gift shop.

LAUGHTER Here we go, now we're talking.

Pencils, sharpeners, postcards, but everyone is very disapproving

if you run through the gallery yelling, "Gift shop!"

You're supposed to stop and look at some of the pictures.

Why are we stopping and looking?

It's not magic eye.

I can see what they are straight away.

Like, dogs, a horse, a dead-old rich person, gift shop!

LAUGHTER

Also, if you're one of the people who stops in front of

one of the ones that's just a colour...

LAUGHTER

Stop, stop pretending.

I know you're not feeling anything.

"Oh, oh, but, Sara, isn't stand-up comedy an art form?"

No, no.

Clearly not. Also, don't get me wrong,

some people do stand-up exceptionally well,

but you know that it isn't an art form

because no-one's ever had to explain to you what it means.

It just works or it doesn't, it's a craft.

It's either funny and it's stand-up comedy,

or it's not and it's a TED Talk.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, yeah.

And it's good, and I like that I am a craftsperson.

Because a craftsperson dedicates their life

to getting better at something, at honing their skill.

It's like if I was a chair maker and I brought out a chair,

and you sat on it and it supported your weight,

well, then, that is good craftsmanship.

If I bring out a chair, and you sit on it and it collapses,

and you fall on the floor, that's brilliant comedy.

I made you think I was a chair maker!

I pranked you.

I'm fun, is the point I was trying to make, I'm really fun.

Valentine's Day this year,

I decided I was going to go to Paris all by myself,

and that's because I'm a single woman.

And also, I don't like the term single.

I hate the term single.

I prefer the term very, very lonely.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, you know, I don't like that we use...

I think being single is the default.

I don't like this whole idea that you're supposed to be in a couple.

Human beings are meant to be sold separately.

We're not Twixes, we're Peperamis.

LAUGHTER

Whether you're in a relationship or not, you are alone.

It's that cliche, of course, but you're born alone and you die alone,

asterix - unless you are a conjoined twin,

in which case you're born with somebody else, you freakish Twix.

LAUGHTER

The only way that you're not alone is if you're one of those twins

who grew round the other one while you were in the womb,

but you might not even know.

You might be sitting there thinking you're normal,

and then one day you go for a scan and the nurse faints

because your tumour has hair and a face.

LAUGHTER

It's a whole thing, and you'll know this cos you see comedy,

but you know when people do, like, mean jokes,

they do horrible jokes about people?

I always think, "No, jokes just shouldn't be nasty about people,

"unless they grew round their twin in the womb."

LAUGHTER

I think they deserve everything they get.

I think murdering someone by growing round them

is one of the worst things a person can do,

and if you did grow round your twin in the womb

and you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, well, this is unfair,"

you should have thought about that

before you engulfed your brother and kept him in your colon.

LAUGHTER

My point was, I went to Paris.

I went to Paris on Valentine's Day, didn't I?

Because I thought, "Look, it's the most romantic city in the world,

"on the most romantic day." I thought it would be hilarious.

"I've got to write stand-up comedy," I thought,

"It's going to be so funny. I'll be walking around weeping,

"as people point going, 'Elle est unlovable'. "

LAUGHTER

I've been to Paris before, three times,

each time with my ex-boyfriend.

That's where we had our three biggest rows.

First time, because eight months into the relationship,

I found out he had a horrible secret.

He grew round his twin in the womb.

LAUGHTER

Second time, we had a horrible argument

because he wasn't into PDAs,

or PDAs...

That is public displays of affection,

or private displays of affection.

LAUGHTER

On the third time,

we just felt an argument brewing and booked the Eurostar.

So, this is my first time in Paris all by myself.

The first thing I noticed was, when you're in a couple,

you see the entire world behind their head.

You're always looking at their lovely face,

the world is a backdrop.

When you take that person away, you see more world.

So that's good.

Yeah, you see more, you notice more stuff,

like how rubbish some of the tourist attractions are.

I went up the Eiffel Tower.

If you're not kissing someone, it's just a high-up cage.

LAUGHTER

It's not a good day out.

But nothing funny happened the entire time I was there,

which was four days, nothing funny.

"Oh, so, Sara, why are you telling us?"

Because otherwise that trip is not tax deductible.

LAUGHTER

So... APPLAUSE

It's awful, and you're clapping it, and it's true.

LAUGHTER It's true.

I would like to speak to you now

about a much more positive thing.

I'm going to introduce to you now a fantastic comedian.

He is the best joker I'd say this country has ever created.

I think you're going to absolutely love the incredible Gary Delaney!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woo!

Yeah!

Woo!

Yeah!

Woo!

You know when you're a kid...

..and you go to the dentist...

..and if you don't cry, they give you a badge or a sticker, yeah?

Well, I had a prostate exam today.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Just get rid of this.

Hello, Apollo.

CHEERING

Ah, you seem nice. So, my grief counsellor died recently, but...

LAUGHTER

But, luckily, he was so good, I didn't give a shit.

LAUGHTER

Nice to be back, though. Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.

I had to disappoint her.

We had sex.

LAUGHTER

Somebody over there laughing at the idea

somebody might have asked me for sex.

It wasn't supposed to be the funny bit in that joke,

but nice to see you again.

LAUGHTER

I'd recognise that laugh anywhere...

..only tonight, it's slightly less hurtful.

LAUGHTER

I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.

I got a DVD, How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.

It was really good, I had to fast forward

through the boring bit at the beginning.

LAUGHTER

The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.

I mean, obviously they don't know that yet.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS,

but she shat on me from a great height.

LAUGHTER

I think it's sad the word "legend"

has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone,

to unexpectedly returning with crisps.

LAUGHTER

I hired a landscape gardener,

but he said he couldn't help because my garden was portrait.

LAUGHTER

Every Christmas Day, we always have pigs in blankets,

or as you probably call it,

relatives sleeping in the spare room.

LAUGHTER

It's tradition in our family that we always have a Christmas jumper,

and then it's my job to talk them down.

LAUGHTER

I went on a barging holiday.

I haven't got a boat, I just kept pushing people into canals.

LAUGHTER

I don't like to eat anything labelled "reformed ham".

As I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered

after they've got their lives back on track.

LAUGHTER

This morning, I went to a meeting

at my premature ejaculator's support group. Turns out, it's tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I can't believe the gentleman there

started clapping before the end of that joke, which is ironic.

I do appreciate that.

LAUGHTER

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier,

and it bit me on the bollocks. My mate said, "It's karma."

I said, "No, if anything, it's even more angry.

LAUGHTER

I tell you what always catches my eye...

Short people with umbrellas.

LAUGHTER

I put on a lot of weight, so I rang up Weight Watchers, I said,

"It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said, "Yes, we can, we've got loads of them."

LAUGHTER

I was actually thrown out of Weight Watchers

for making sarcastic comments

at the weekly weigh-in. As you can imagine,

I accepted the decision with huge Grace,

because they threw her out as well.

LAUGHTER

I was watching TV,

the announcer said there's a documentary

about the clitoris on the red button,

but I couldn't find it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

If you watch a porn film backwards,

it's about a man who hoovers spunk off a woman...

LAUGHTER

Then breaks her washing machine and leaves.

LAUGHTER

We've all done it.

A friend of mine had a penis extension.

Now his house looks really stupid.

LAUGHTER

I was in a sex shop, I saw a dildo

described as nine inches long and realistic.

I thought, "Well, which is it?"

LAUGHTER

My grandad went down in history, and on one occasion,

fingered a girl in geography.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween, "WITCHES"...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I thought PPI was just something you could get

if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.

LAUGHTER

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up,

I got her an identical one.

She was livid! "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

LAUGHTER

I bought a chocolate bar. On the inside of the wrapper it said,

"You're a loser." I wouldn't have minded

if there'd been some sort of competition on.

To make things worse, it was a Boost.

LAUGHTER

My uncle Derek was found dead with a belt round his neck

and a dildo up his arse. At his funeral,

the vicar said we'd always remember him for his charity work.

Wrong.

LAUGHTER

I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel...

She died.

LAUGHTER

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time

that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.

LAUGHTER

When I heard you could now be a sperm donor by post,

I came in a Jiffy.

LAUGHTER

My girlfriend she said she wanted to try some new condoms

with something special inside to boost her pleasure.

I said, "Ooh, what's that?"

And she said, "Other men's cocks."

LAUGHTER

I've been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me

with her key ring but she just keeps fobbing me off.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've been lovely, I've been Gary Delaney,

thank you, goodnight, bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Gary Delaney!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to introduce to you another comedian now,

I've gigged with him several times

and every time, I've been so impressed with his wit

and his energy, and if you haven't seen him before,

I'm so excited for you that you're going to get to see him now.

Can you please go absolutely wild and crazy for Larry Dean!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, hello!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a pleasure to be here.

I'm not from round here.

If you're trying to place my accent, I'm from the EU.

LAUGHTER

Well, it's good to be in London town, man, I'm from Glasgow.

Means I'm friendly, because we're very friendly in Glasgow.

Although we're a scary friendly.

LAUGHTER

We'll give you directions, but we'll follow you

to make sure that you've done them correctly.

LAUGHTER

It's strange coming back down here, ever since the EU referendum.

Since Scotland voted to stay and England voted to leave,

Scottish people feel as if they've got a moral high ground.

Have I pronounced that correctly?

Because we've never had one of them before in Scotland.

LAUGHTER

It's so weird, on the day of the vote, we were like,

"Ah, we've won! Because we've lost."

That's the most Scottish thing we've ever done.

And ever since, it seemed like afterwards,

that England was becoming more right-wing,

so Scotland started becoming more left-wing.

It was as if Scottish people had gone,

"What - England's being racist?

"Oh, no, we're not doing that any more, guys, no.

"If England's doing it, we are not doing that."

It's making Scottish people better people.

As soon as England shows any racism, Scottish people are like,

"Oh, no, what are you on about? We love foreigners here."

LAUGHTER

Judging somebody based on a religion?

No, we've never done that either.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It wasn't my first thought, though, after Brexit,

because I thought, like, like a lot of Remain voters,

I thought, "I'm moving, I'm going to move."

I thought, "I'm going to move to Australia,

"because if I'm going to live on a racist island,

"it may as well be sunny."

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. I would've...

It would have been bad to move, man, though,

cos I do like living here, and that.

And also, I'd have missed my family too much.

I moved back in with my parents about a year ago,

cos I got out of a relationship.

You don't really move back in with your parents

for a good reason, do you?

It's not, "Oh, I got a promotion at work,

"so I thought Mummy and Daddy could do with some company."

LAUGHTER

Usually, it's either emotional issues or financial issues.

My dad called mine... "the double whammy".

LAUGHTER

As soon as I moved back in with them, I thought,

"I've got to start dating again, I need an out plan, right?"

On my first date back, I was terrified.

It didn't help, right, that the guy was a bit weird.

Oh, yeah, guy - I'm a gay person.

Key change, here we go, sisters!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's right, I'm a sodomite.

Nothing more scary than a Glaswegian gay man.

I'm gonnae bum you.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, mate.

You're heterosexual? A nod of the head there,

"Yes, I love the vulva."

LAUGHTER

I don't know why I had to change my voice for that.

"Yes, I love the vulva."

Larry Dean, BBC News, I'm very gay.

LAUGHTER

This is my favourite bit of any gig, man, I love this bit,

it's so much fun, because I'm just looking at all the straight men

in the room looking at me going,

"Hold on, he's gay?

"He doesn't look gay.

"I don't look gay.

"Maybe I'M gay?"

LAUGHTER

Actually, to be honest, I don't even like the word gay.

I'm not a fan of the word gay.

The word gay gets used quite derogatory sometimes.

It would be like, "Oh, that's gay, I don't like that, that's gay."

In Scotland, we don't even need to use that word.

In Scotland,

we can describe somebody as a homosexual

by using any noun in the English language.

Like, what? Is he a blueberry, aye?

LAUGHTER

Oh, see that guy, I've heard he's a lava lamp.

LAUGHTER

I found this out when I was having an argument with my dad, right,

cos I could see my dad wanted to call me a big Jessie,

but I could see him thinking,

"I don't know if that's homophobic now, actually,"

so my dad went, "Ah, get lost, you big...

"duvet!"

LAUGHTER

Because I, like, I thought, "I'll try and be camp, right,"

because I thought, "If I'm camp, then people will know already,

"so I won't need to tell people," because sometimes you assume, right,

so I started going around with my wrist down...

I know, I don't look camp - I just look ill.

I did that for a while, though,

and I got to go to Disneyland for free, so it wasn't all bad.

LAUGHTER

But nobody thought I was gay,

so I started putting my bum out as well.

That's my problem, if I was camp,

I would just look like a dinosaur.

Walking down the road like that.

"Ooh, there's a sale on..."

HE SCREECHES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HE SCREECHES

I'm sorry, pal, sorry, man, you all right?

You're all right, mate,

you're a hetrosaur! Hey!

LAUGHTER

I'll make him a "mega sore ass"!

Wey!

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

Just so you know, I'm a postman, not a postbox.

LAUGHTER

Oh, what a lovely reaction that was.

Some people were laughing, others going, what the hell does he mean?

LAUGHTER

How I deliver the male, hey-hey!

I'm terrified of that, though, man,

I'm so scared of anything going near my bum.

LAUGHTER

Goodnight.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, I'm so scared of it.

I'm what gay people call "selfish".

But I have to... I didn't know this by the way - apparently,

some straight guys like a finger up the bum...

That's the sound of women who trim their fingernails.

LAUGHTER

I had no idea.

Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum

when they are getting a blow job.

That's like trying to get the last drop out of a Frube.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Folks, you've been absolutely lovely.

This has been a dream come true for me.

I've been Larry Dean, enjoy the rest of your night.

Take care, cheers, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How good is Larry Dean?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please give it up for Gary Delaney, Larry Dean.

You've been an incredible audience. I hope you've enjoyed your night.

I'm Sara Pascoe, goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE