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-ANNOUNCER: -Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight... | 0:00:18 | 0:00:23 | |
Jason Manford! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:24 | |
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
Hello. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
Hello, how are you? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
AUDIENCE CHEERS | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
Lovely, here we are. Hammersmith Apollo. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Live at the Apollo. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
-Yeah. -AUDIENCE CHEERS -That's right. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
Fancy London, the capital and that. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Oh, yeah. Like coming down here. Who's from London? Give us a cheer. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:01 | |
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
Quite a few. Quite a few. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
That was probably the longest conversation you've ever had with a stranger! | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
They just don't like chatting. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
I was at Euston the other week, there was a fella reading a book, | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
I'd seen this book in WH Smith, I quite fancied it. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
So I wandered over, I went, "All right, mate? Is that book any good, | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
"cos I've been thinking about getting it." | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
Now, in Manchester, that wouldn't be a weird thing to do, OK. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
I mean, it would be weird if a bloke was reading, you know, like... | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
in public, you know. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
I was like, "Is that any good that book?" | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
He looked at me like I'd gone, "All right, mate, can I have a little tickle of your bollocks?" | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
What? I just, "What about if I just hold them till the train comes, is that all right?" | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
What? | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
Well then! | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
And you're very impatient down here, very impatient. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
I mean I was on that underground tram network that you've got, right. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:01 | |
Or as in the North we like to call it "witchcraft". It's not natural. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
It's not natural. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
Weird. Don't trust it. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
I was down there, I was running for a tram, I'm going to call it a tram. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
I was running in the tube and this fella sprinted past me, dead fast, | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
satchel hit me in the head, and he was running for the tube, and the doors closed and he went mental, | 0:02:17 | 0:02:22 | |
like proper like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe it, I've just missed it. I'm going to be late for work! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:28 | |
"This has ruined my day! Oh, here's one." That's right. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
Cos they're every two bloody minutes. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
I've been doing telly a little while, and there's some things that you notice. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
Recently, about three times, I've been recognised in the street. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:46 | |
It's well exciting. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:47 | |
In Manchester, the first time it happened, this bloke crossed the road to meet me. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:52 | |
He goes, "Are you Jason Manford?" I was well chuffed. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
I was in front of a few of me friends, "Yes, I am. Yes." | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
He went, "Oh, I work with your dad." | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
No need for that, is it? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:04 | |
So here we are, we've got some celebs in as well. Give a cheer for the celebrities. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:10 | |
-AUDIENCE CHEERS -There they are. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
Who have we got here? We've got Sophie from Big Brother. Hello. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
Not too bad at all. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Yes, a little cheer there from people who remember Big Brother. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
Is it weird now, walking around without that Geordie bloke doing the voiceover? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
Because that's what I imagine I would miss the most. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
Even now. "Sophie is sat at the Hammersmith Apollo. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
"Jason is on stage trying not to look at Sophie's boobs. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
"And failing." | 0:03:38 | 0:03:39 | |
Jessica-Jane Clement on the back there from The Real Hustle. That's a top show. We love that. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:46 | |
Hello there. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
I tell you what, Jessica, I think it must be hard for any bloke to chat you up in a pub. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:52 | |
I mean, you're a lovely girl, of course, | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
but that must be hard for someone to go, "I think I've seen you on the telly. Can I buy you a drink?" | 0:03:54 | 0:03:58 | |
"Yeah, let me just put a piece of paper over that pint glass. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
"Two-pound coin. Let me get two straws." "Forget it! I can't be arsed." | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
We've got Lee Dixon. Hello, Lee Dixon. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Arsenal legend. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
CHEERING | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
A Manchester City fan, of course, Lee Dixon, like myself. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
And he went to the same school as my dad. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
-He never should... What's that? -I'm not the same age as your dad. -You're not the same age as my dad. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:24 | |
He left about ten years before you joined but he still taught you everything you know. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:29 | |
"Oh yeah, old Dicko, oh yeah." Never met you, never met you, but you're best mates. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:35 | |
He never shuts up about it. My dad, not Lee. Lee's never mentioned it, to be honest. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
You've gone into punditry, Lee, rather than coach? | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
You didn't fancy being a football manager? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
-Not at all. -No. Fair enough. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
There's a lot of stress. I know, I've been playing Football Manager for about 15 years. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:52 | |
It's a tough game, honestly, that is a tough game. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
Have we got Football Manager fans in? | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
CHEERING | 0:04:59 | 0:05:00 | |
You single lads knocking about, it's not a... | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
It's not a game that keeps a relationship together, is it, that? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:07 | |
My wife hates it. Sometimes I wait for her to drop off, | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
I'll get my laptop out, I'll have a little game. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
She'll wake up, "What are you doing?" "Just looking at porn." | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
She hates it that much, it's horrible. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
She's like, "It's not even a proper game, it's just clicking." I'm like, "It's tactics, tactics. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:23 | |
"Man management and everything." You know what I mean. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
I probably shouldn't wear a suit. That's probably too far. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:30 | |
Stencil my initials into my pyjamas. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
Do press conferences in the bathroom. That's too far. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
It takes over your life, that game. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
I love it because I was on a train a little while ago, | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
it was all packed, so I started having a game on my laptop. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
And I was Manchester City, I was playing Manchester United. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
It was a big game, I was 2-0 up. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Got to the 89th minute, 2-1, they got one back. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
92nd minute, 2-2. OK? | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
97th minute, they won 3-2. OK, it's very realistic. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
They... | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
3-2, OK? Final whistle goes. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
The bloke sat next to me turned around, he went, "Ye-e-eah!" | 0:06:03 | 0:06:07 | |
It's like, "It's my game, you knobhead." | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
"I've not even saved it. Ha!" It takes over you. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:19 | |
I did a gig at Manchester City and I met a load of the players and it was well exciting. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:23 | |
It was last year, it was Robinho, Richard Dunne. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
I met Micah Richards, the defender, and I was a bit rude to him, OK. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
I was like, "All right, yeah. Not bothered." | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
My dad, who was with me, went "You were rude to Micah Richards." | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
I says, "I don't know why." It was only when I got home I realised. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
On Football Manager, he turned up late for training a couple of times. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:41 | |
That's sad, innit? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:46 | |
Oh! All right, Billy Big Bollocks, turn up when you want, will you? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
Exciting news - I've recently become a dad. Ten weeks ago my wife gave birth. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Yeah. Thank you. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
That's right. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
My wife gave birth to two little girls. Two little girls. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
And excited. It's exciting. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
The hardest thing with twins, of course, is picking your favourite. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:13 | |
You know, that's the hardest thing. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
I go for the one that's not crying, a lot of the time. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
No, the hardest thing is the lack of sleep. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:23 | |
The one time you know you're not getting enough sleep, | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
right, there's two times it happens, one time is when you look in the mirror | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
and you can see what you're going to look like in 15 years' time. You're not getting enough sleep! | 0:07:28 | 0:07:33 | |
The other time is when you hear one of the most beautiful sounds in nature, | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
birdsong, OK, at half-past four, 5 am in the morning, | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
and all you can think of is... Shut up! | 0:07:40 | 0:07:45 | |
Shut your little beaking mouth! | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
You little feathery bastards! | 0:07:48 | 0:07:52 | |
That's when you need to have a lie-in at some point. Someone needs to come and relieve you. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:57 | |
One of the things I found amazing while my wife was pregnant - | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
and, not amazing, that sounds bad - | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
is how much you actually fancy her while she's pregnant. OK. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
It's phenomenal, it just strikes blokes. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
You see your wife, I saw my wife, I think, "Phwoar!" Yeah. "Oo-oo-arr!" | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
Mainly because her boobs go massive, right. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
That's convinced me that God is a woman, because only a female | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
would make those boobs the best looking they've ever been, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
yet too sensitive to do anything with. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
You forget yourself sometimes, as well. I forget myself. I remember, come in one night, it was 2 am. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:31 | |
I got into bed. I had to be up at seven. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
And my wife was out here, like just before she popped, | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
and she turned over, in the night... Beep, beep, beep. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:42 | |
And she... | 0:08:42 | 0:08:43 | |
she nudged me awake, complete mistake, but I forgot for a second, I just forgot myself, | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
and I woke up, I went, "Argh! That's so frustrating!" | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
And she was up straight, bolt upright, over me. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
Eyes red in the darkness. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
"Oh!" | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
"Frustrating, is it?" | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
Luckily I had my wits about me, I went, | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
"Just frustrating not being able to help you." | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
I don't know where it came from, but I got away with it. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
I'm enjoying being a dad. There's obviously stuff I'm going to have to learn. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
You know, stuff that nobody teaches you. Even little things, like how to wrap a baby up in a blanket. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:22 | |
Nobody teaches you that. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:23 | |
You know, we're not good at wrapping, you've seen us at Christmas. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
You know what I mean. All presents are 40% Sellotape, aren't they? | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
And you're not allowed to use tape on a baby. It's out of order. OK? | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
The blanket's hard. Nobody teaches you. You wrap it, you think, "That seems all right. That's fine." | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
Pick it up, blanket's still there. How's this happening? | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
My brother rang me. He says, "Are you having trouble with the blanket?" | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
I went, "How did you know?" He says, "I had the same thing." | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
Good tip - it's a lot like doing a fajita. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
Hey! He's bang on as well, isn't he? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
# Ba da-da-da, da-da-da-da da-da-da-da. # | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
Guacamole, salsa, there's the lot. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
A bit of Sudocrem. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
But I look at my dad, and my dad's got to a point now | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
where nobody polices anything that he says or does. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
And I can't wait to get to that point. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:10 | |
He's allowed to insult anybody and everyone just goes, "Huh! What are you like?" | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
You know, that's the point that I want to get to. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
My brother's just finished college. He's looking forward to the life that he's got in the future. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:22 | |
He's thinking about going to Australia, OK, for a year out, OK. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
My dad, he goes, "What you want to do that for?" | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
He says, "I just, you know, I just want to find myself." | 0:10:29 | 0:10:33 | |
My dad says, "What if you find him and he's a knobhead as well?" | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
No repercussions. He's allowed to do that. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
We're on a flight back from Spain last year. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
The Tannoy, right, the woman comes over the Tannoy, she says, "Can all passengers be aware, | 0:10:44 | 0:10:48 | |
"we won't be serving peanuts on this flight | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
"because there's somebody on the flight with such a severe allergy | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
"that if it gets into the air-conditioning, they will be really ill." | 0:10:54 | 0:10:58 | |
25 minutes into the flight, I turn around, my dad... | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
Eating a pack of peanuts he smuggled on board, himself. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
I said, "Dad, what you doing?" He went, "I'm starving." | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
I said, somebody's really ill. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
He says, "Unless it's the pilot, I don't give a shit!" | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
They can do what they want. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, this next act is a big mate of mine, | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
I've known him since we were doing little clubs in the middle of nowhere. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
He's performing to half a million people this year, | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
all over the country, unless you're from the Tax, then it's just 12. OK. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
Please welcome Michael McIntyre! | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
Lovely. Bravo! | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Hello, good evening! | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Thank you. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:55 | |
Hello, Hammersmith. I'm going to refer to you as Hammersmith. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
Where's Lee Dixon? | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
CHEERING | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
I follow a bit of football. I was watching Sky Sports News today, | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
there's a football manager, he's called Alan Knill. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
He's the manager of Bury or something. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
Knill is his surname. K-N-I-L-L. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
What a great name if you're involved in football. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
If he has a son and doesn't call him "Juan" | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
he's missed a major opportunity for comedy. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:25 | |
Don't you think? | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
This is my eldest, "Juan Knill". | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
I did that. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
MICHAEL LAUGHS | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
But I've got Sky TV now, which is excellent. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
You can pause live TV. There are people at home now who can just pause it, | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
and it's a perfect pause. Not the old, sort of, 1980s VHS pause. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:44 | |
That was a very different story. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
You couldn't even see what you were watching in 1980s pause. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
People who weren't moving would start moving. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
He wasn't even moving in this scene. People in paintings would come to life. "I'm in a painting!" | 0:12:58 | 0:13:03 | |
But then once you pause, it's quite exciting cos you can watch it back in x2, x6, x12, x30, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:10 | |
which makes boring programmes quite entertaining. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
Like in the tennis, you can forward the changeovers, | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
watching Andy Murray eating a banana in x12 is quite exciting. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
I watched Deal Or No Deal in x30. It really whizzes along. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:24 | |
I watch all TV. I watch TV just to slag it off. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
The Dragons' Den winds me right up. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
I know you're rich, Dragons, you don't need to bring your cash with you! | 0:13:32 | 0:13:37 | |
They sit there, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
with cash on their tables. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
"I'm so tremendously wealthy. All my bank accounts are full. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
"I've had to bring additional funds with me tonight." | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
"What about you, Theo Paphitis, have you got money on your table? | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
"Oh, I'm completely loaded. I've thrown money up onto my table." | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
"What about you two Dragons?" "We've got a lot of cash." | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
"All right, bring in the first poor person, let's see what they've got." | 0:13:59 | 0:14:03 | |
They come in, trembling. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:04 | |
"Hello, Dragons. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
"Please can I have some cash | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
"for the ideas in my brain." | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
"I feel sick just looking at poor people." | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
"The state of her clothing. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
"For that reason, I'm out. What about you, Theo Paphitis, are you out?" | 0:14:22 | 0:14:27 | |
"I will be out, but I'm going to humiliate the bitch for 15 minutes. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:32 | |
"Then I will declare, that I too am out." | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
I'd like to go on Dragons' Den. With a shotgun. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
Just stand there, pointing it at each of them, individually, | 0:14:40 | 0:14:45 | |
till one of them goes, "What's your idea?" "Put that cash in this bag." | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
You get no equity. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
I like some TV. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:55 | |
I watch it till the bitter end, literally like the early hours, | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
till the signing zone, the deaf zone. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
That's when you know it's probably time for bed, you know. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
When there's somebody in the corner, signing. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
You feel a bit like, "This isn't really for me." | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
They almost look at you like, "You could have watched this in the day, it's probably bedtime for you. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:17 | |
"Deaf people have been asleep all day to stay up for this, have some respect." | 0:15:17 | 0:15:22 | |
I like it when there's no dialogue and they watch TV with you! | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
I was watching the Blue Planet, this is a show with David Attenborough, | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
where they discover creatures from the ocean, for the first time. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
Fish that were only just discovered and they were naming them on the show. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
So he was going, "Here we have the newly-discovered 'diplanotinikoffs'". | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
And the signing guy was going... | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:57 | 0:15:58 | |
He resorted to impersonating the fish. Looks hilarious. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:07 | |
The fish was swimming, he was underneath going... | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
This is the third time I've done this show and, let's be honest, | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
as they pop up on television, you can know which year it is by how much weight I've gained. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:25 | |
I can only imagine a few years you won't be able to see the "O". | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
Erm, I've tried! I've tried to lose weight. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
I've tried to get fit. I've tried everything. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
I got a Nintendo Wii. They said that was good. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
I got the tennis game. You play it in the living room and you literally run around playing tennis. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Ungh! I tend to grunt. Ungh! | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
I'm quite unfit. Even in chess. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
Ungh! | 0:16:49 | 0:16:50 | |
After a while you realise you're just as good, | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger, doing that. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
If there's an area of my body that doesn't require a workout, | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
it's going to be the wrist, I have to be honest with you. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
It's been religiously attended to for some years now. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
Isn't it amazing how many sports just require your wrist. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:15 | |
Darts. Badminton. And snooker. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
Although I can't play snooker any more, | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
ever since somebody told me it's like tossing off a man behind you. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
That sort of... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:22 | 0:17:26 | |
MICHAEL LAUGHS | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
Talk about ruining a sport in one sentence. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
MICHAEL CHUCKLES | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
I bought a Hoover from Comet. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
I felt the need to try the Hoover out...in the shop. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
Comet is a place that sells electricals. Everything in the shop needs to be plugged in, | 0:17:50 | 0:17:54 | |
but nothing is actually plugged in in the shop. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
So it's filled with people trying things out not for their primary function. | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
People are buying fridges on the strength that it opens... | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
..and it closes. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:05 | |
And it's silver. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
I was buying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover up the shop a bit. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
It wasn't plugged in. I just wanted to feel the weight of it. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
I went down the aisle. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:16 | |
Somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me. "Hello. Good Hoover." | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
That's my hoovering technique, I walk with my Hoover. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
There are two distinctive styles of hoovering. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Either like me, where you walk with your Hoover. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
Then when you reach the end you hoover round, follow in behind. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER | 0:18:36 | 0:18:37 | |
Or you stand your ground and hoover out. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
Then pick a new position completely at random. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
Hoover out again! | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
I like the Hoover challenge when there's something in the carpet that could ruin your Hoover. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
A nail or a paperclip. You see it, you spot it. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
You square up to it. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
This could be dangerous for the health of my Hoover. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
You know what you should do, you should pick it up and not risk it. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
But the excitement of living life on the edge overwhelms you. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
MICHAEL IMITATES INTENSE MOTOR POWER | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
Then you wait for the noise. Tka-tka-tka! Tka-tka-tka! | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
I didn't say anything. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
I like it when it's hose time. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:35 | |
You can't get in a nook. It's time for the hose, get the hose out. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
Get the hose, stand up the main Hoover. Hose time. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Even though you know what a Hoover does, it sucks, it's a vacuum, | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
you feel the need at this moment to hoover yourself. I don't know why. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:50 | |
You feel the excitement building within you. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
HE IMITATES VARIED MOTOR POWER | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
Whooo...Argh! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:01 | |
Just trying to spice up an otherwise boring day. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
So we're drinking tonight? People drinking? Having a drink? CHEERING | 0:20:11 | 0:20:16 | |
I drink after the show. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:17 | |
I like a glass of wine. I like a glass of wine after the show. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
A nice glass of wine. I'm not an expert in the field of wine. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:25 | |
Most of us aren't, let's be honest, but we pretend to be in restaurants. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
Very important to keep up the facade in a restaurant, | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
that you all know about wine. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
Nobody does. You know red colour and white colour. That's pretty much all. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
You'll discuss it with your fellow diners, | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
"Bottle of wine? Red? Red? Red? White or red? All right, bottle of red." | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
Waiter comes over. "Can I geev you ze wine list?" | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
He may as well say, "Would you like ze book of gibberish?" "I would." | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
Ignore all wording, focus entirely on prices. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
"This one." You have no idea what you're doing, you picked one at random. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
You don't even have the confidence to say it. "Ooh! I want this one." | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
"Ah, a fine choice." The waiter knows nothing about wine. "I have no idea if it's a fine choice." | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
Then they show you the bottle, this is an important part of the process. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
Cos it's all part of the bullshit production. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
We all have roles within it. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
Stare at bottle bit. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
It's the only part of the meal they show you the source of where it's coming from. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
You don't order a hamburger and they come out with a Polaroid of a cow. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
"Zis is a cow. Is this what you want?" "Yes, it is." | 0:21:31 | 0:21:35 | |
"Kill it and put it in a bun and then bring it back to me." | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
Then they'll open the wine in front of you. "Who wants to try ze wine?" This is the horrific moment. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
Who wants to take the lead role in the bullshit production? | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
Nobody wants to do it. "I don't want to do it, please, not me, not me." | 0:21:46 | 0:21:50 | |
Somebody normally gives you up. "You do it." "OK. I will take the lead part." | 0:21:50 | 0:21:54 | |
They pour a little bit in, step back, wait for your verdict. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
You have no idea what you're doing. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
Everyone is staring at you. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:01 | |
Some people panic at this moment and just stick their face in it. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
I don't know why you need to smell wine before drinking it. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
You don't listen to a CD and rub it to your ear before. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:13 | |
Ah! | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
Yes. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
That is wine. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
Everyone should have some. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it tastes winey, like other wines I've had in the past. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
I thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it, like a taste test, | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
but apparently it's to see if it's corked, which means it's off. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
They're asking you to determine whether it's off or not, | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
and if it's off, they'll give you another bottle. I'm paying for this. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Why don't you ascertain whether it's off or not and not give it to me if it's off? | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
It's not like you wanted coffee and they come up with the milk, "It smells funny, will you try it?" | 0:22:49 | 0:22:54 | |
Cheesy! | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
But you go along with it cos it's the done thing to do. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
There's a lot you go along with in restaurants. A lot of nonsense. Bread and water? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:08 | |
"Like some bread and water for the table?" | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
The table's having a better night than I am. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
I can get this in an orphanage. Bring me actual food, please! | 0:23:12 | 0:23:17 | |
But you go along with it, cos you're in a restaurant. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
You order your main course. "Would you like any side orders?" | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
Why would I want satellites of food surrounding the food? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
Give me food on a plate and I'll put it in my face. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
Is it supposed to make you feel like you're eating less? | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
"Yes, I'd like some mashed potato behind me. Put them behind me. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
"Some carrots in a drawer. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:40 | |
"Keep your spinach in the loo, behind the cistern, no one will know." | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
"Be careful, plate very hot." What a complete nonsense that is. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
What you should say is, "Well then, get me one that isn't. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:51 | |
"I don't want to burn myself, I just want lasagne, not jeopardy." | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
"Can I, do you mind?" | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
But you just take it. "OK, I'll be careful not to burn myself when I'm eating." | 0:23:56 | 0:24:02 | |
My wife, she warned me about it. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:03 | |
"Be careful, it's a hot plate. Just get the food in your face without touching it." | 0:24:03 | 0:24:08 | |
Just where would you draw the line? "There are razor blades in the lasagne." | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
"OK. I'll be careful with my brain." | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
They always offer you coffee at the end of a meal, regardless of the time of day. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:21 | |
Literally, at dinner, it can be 11:30 at night, | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
bedtime is next for up for you. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
"Can I get anyone a coffee?" | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
I mean, this is a nonsense. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:32 | |
If my wife said to me at home, at 11:30 at night, "Would you like a coffee?" | 0:24:32 | 0:24:37 | |
I'd go, "Piss off!" | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
"Are you referring to the drink we use to get us out of bed in the morning? | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
"The high-caffeine drink that fuels the rest of the day? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:48 | |
"You want me to have that now before bed? Is this some kind of experiment?" | 0:24:48 | 0:24:53 | |
In a restaurant, "Yes, I think I'll have a latte. A latte for me. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
"Do you want anything, darling?" "Double espresso for me." | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
Three o'clock in the morning, "Are you up?" "Of course I'm up, I'm completely wired!" | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
"I was thinking of going to work! Now! And waiting!" | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
"Can I come?" "Let's run there! Let's RUN there!" | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
CHEERING AND WHISTLING | 0:25:15 | 0:25:19 | |
But it doesn't matter what you order, anything, | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
Salt and pepper have done so tremendously well in the herb and spice arena. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:29 | |
They're our favourites, by a distance. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
They just wait on the table, don't they? Arrogantly assuming | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
"Whatever you want to prepare, you're going to need us, | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
"either myself or my dear friend, Pep. Isn't that right?" "Right you are, Salty." | 0:25:38 | 0:25:43 | |
But there are other herbs and spices. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
Paprika! | 0:25:47 | 0:25:48 | |
They're all lined up in the cupboard in the kitchen at home, waiting. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see Salt and Pepper, "Look at them, the bastards! | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
"What have they got that we don't have? I just don't get it. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
"You ever been out of the cupboard, Oregano?" | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
ITALIAN ACCENT: "Once for bolognese in 1988. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:08 | |
"They said it was an experiment, I don't think it worked." | 0:26:09 | 0:26:14 | |
"What about you, Cumin? You ever been out of the cupboard?" | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
ASIAN ACCENT: "I used to live with them at their old house, and they never took me out of cupboard. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:21 | |
"Then they moved here, put me back in cupboard. No." | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
"What about you, Paprika?" | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
HUNGARIAN ACCENT: "I fell out once. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
"They just put me back in. The wrong way round. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
"Seven years, seven years I was like this. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
"Every day I would pray. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
"I would pray it is goulash day. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
"But it is never goulash day. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
"I've still got the plastic on my head. Why did they buy me? I don't understand it. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:58 | |
"What about you on the end? Who are you?" | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
EFFEMINATE VOICE: "My name is Five Spice." | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
"You ever been out of the cupboard, Five Spice?" "I'm not just one spice. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
"I'm five spice. I'm five times as good as all of you." | 0:27:13 | 0:27:18 | |
"Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?" | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
"I have been used in recipes. For thousands of years." | 0:27:22 | 0:27:26 | |
"Yes, but have you ever been out of THIS cupboard?" | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
"No." | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
NORTHERN ACCENT: "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
"but the fact is, I've overheard your conversation, it's winding me right up. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
"I have been in this cupboard for longer than all of you put together!" | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
"Sorry, who are you?" | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
"John West, Tuna, nice to meet you." | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much indeed. Good night! | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
Thank you. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
Thank you, Apollo! | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
Thank you. | 0:27:58 | 0:27:59 | |
Hey, that was all right, wasn't it? | 0:28:05 | 0:28:08 | |
CHEERING AND WHOOPING | 0:28:08 | 0:28:09 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
Michael McIntyre! | 0:28:12 | 0:28:13 | |
-AUDIENCE CHEERS EXCITEDLY -God love him. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 | |
We'll see you again soon, good night, God bless, I've been Jason Manford. Bye-bye, thank you. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:39 | 0:28:42 |