Browse content similar to Episode 2. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rob Brydon. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:25 | |
Hello! | 0:00:36 | 0:00:37 | |
Hello, Hammersmith. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
What an audience. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
Wow, this audience is jam-packed with celebrities. | 0:00:55 | 0:01:00 | |
Where have we got, there he is Craig Revel Horwood. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:06 | |
Craig recently had an autobiography out, what a colourful life, | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
mostly orange but nonetheless. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
And also where's Rachel Stevens? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
Hello Rachel, Rachel Stevens is here, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
how about that? Rachel, of course, once won the title rear of the year. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:32 | |
Yes, she did, rear of the year. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Not unlike an award, rear of the year, not unlike the award that | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
you won Craig, two years running, arse of the century. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
Wow. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
Alison Steadman is here. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
Alison, I loved you in Nuts in May, I did. Yes, yes, and who'd have thought an actress of your standing | 0:01:53 | 0:02:00 | |
would be willing to get them out for a lad's mag. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
She was in Nuts in May, did you not see it? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
She's doing Loaded for December as well. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
I'm joking, of course. Oh, it's lovely to be here, it really is. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
I, myself am very excited. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
I recently became a father again. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
CHEERING | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
Thank you. For the fourth time. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
Oh, yes, oh, yes. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
Now, because I'd already had children | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
I was determined not to fall into the traps that new parents have. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:43 | |
The risk of the false alarm. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
Now, this is when a lady gets towards her due date | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
and she gets a little twinge and she thinks the baby might be coming. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:54 | |
She goes to the hospital only to be told it's wind. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:59 | |
I didn't want my wife running off to the hospital, | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
in fairness I should have given her lift, only to be told, | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
only to be told, that it was wind. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:10 | |
So, whenever she'd have a little twinge, | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
I'd say "darling, don't worry, relax." | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
Now, with hindsight | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
that was a bad idea. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
Nine days before the due date she woke up, she sat on the | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
edge of the bed, she went "Aargh, ooh, ooh, eeeh, eeeh, ohh, ohh." | 0:03:25 | 0:03:30 | |
I could barely hear the television. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:34 | |
She said "I think it might be today." | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
Now, this was terrible news for me because I'm a big golfer | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
and this was a day I'd had in the diary for some time. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
I was going to play golf, | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
on this day, with Ronnie Corbett. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
I know, it's true, this is a true story. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
That's not the sort of thing you scrub out of a diary on a whim, is it? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:03 | |
So, I said "look let's just see how it goes." | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
But, if anything, by lunch time it had got worse. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:13 | |
And come midday she actually turned to me and she said "Rob" she said, "I don't think you should go." | 0:04:13 | 0:04:18 | |
Unbelievable. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
I didn't know what to do. I'm not a cold hearted man. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
So, I stood there and I was torn, should I stay or should I go? | 0:04:26 | 0:04:31 | |
It was a moral dilemma. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
So, what I did was this. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
I asked myself a question I often ask at times of moral dilemma, | 0:04:35 | 0:04:41 | |
"What would Rod Stewart do?" | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
So, there we were on the 14th. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
We had a cracking afternoon's golf, we really had. Ronnie was on fire. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:57 | |
We'd been out there for a few hours and I turned my mobile back on and sure enough | 0:04:57 | 0:05:02 | |
there's a message from my wife. She says "Oh, my God | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
"get home it's started, I've gone into labour." | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
Well, I get home, all hell has broken loose. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
My wife is in the front room, with the midwife. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
It's the television room. And she's on all fours, right. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
It's a Sony 42 inch plasma. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
And she's sweating. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
She's "arggh its too big, its too big, get it out." | 0:05:25 | 0:05:30 | |
She wasn't saying that during the conception. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
Oh, she's in a hell of a state, she's very uncomfortable. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
And the midwife takes me to one side and she says | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
"Mr Brydon", because I insist on that. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
She says "Mr Brydon, I've examined your wife, | 0:05:44 | 0:05:49 | |
"she's already 8cm dilated, there's no way we'll get to hospital. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:56 | |
"We're going to have to have the baby here." | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Well, this was scary, a home birth, no pain relief | 0:05:59 | 0:06:03 | |
you see with a home birth, oh, no, I would have absolutely nothing. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:08 | |
And its different, a home birth is different, you don't lie on your back, you give birth like a mammal. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:15 | |
You give birth on all fours like a bear, very naturally. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:20 | |
And when a child is born this way, the first thing to... | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
# When a child is born. # | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
Johnny Mathis there. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
# A ray of hope | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
# Flickers in the sky. # | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
Who'd have thought it. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
When a child is born that way the first thing to appear is the head. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
So, picture my wife, OK, there she is, | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
"Aarggh." | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
# All across the land | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
# Dawns a brand new morn | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
# This comes to pass | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
# When a child is born. # | 0:07:02 | 0:07:06 | |
Now, he didn't do that, he didn't wave his head around like that, OK? | 0:07:06 | 0:07:11 | |
I'm just doing that so you can see. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
I mean, my God, if he'd done that it would have been horrific. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
That didn't happen. That didn't happen. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
But what does happen is the head just hangs there | 0:07:34 | 0:07:40 | |
and your wife is there with a little human head | 0:07:40 | 0:07:46 | |
hanging between her legs. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
A tiny miniature human head. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
It's the most horrific thing you'll ever see. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
But you can't look away. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
She had a tiny human head there. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
She had a head there, she had a head here. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:10 | |
She looked like a playing card. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
And I'm terrified. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:17 | |
Oh, I'm terrified, I don't know what to do and he looked angry as well. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:26 | |
His face was all scrunched up, he was livid. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
I mean, to this day we can't be sure what it was but something had rubbed him up the wrong way in there. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:36 | |
He's just hanging there between her legs looking in the opposite direction. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:44 | |
He looked like a rear gunner. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
And I'm terrified, I'm freaking out now. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
Now, Alison, here's the thing, you'll love this. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
I had said to the midwife, and this is a bit soppy, | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
I'd said I wanted to be the first person to hold our baby. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:06 | |
I wanted to be the first one to make flesh on flesh contact. I wanted to bond. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:12 | |
It sounds silly but I was hoping for a sort of a Lion King moment. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:18 | |
SINGS OPENING PHRASE OF THE LION KING | 0:09:20 | 0:09:24 | |
That's what I wanted. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
And if that had gone well. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
# Hakuna matata. # | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
But I'm freaking out. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:42 | |
So, the head hangs there for about ten, 12 minutes finally the midwife | 0:09:42 | 0:09:47 | |
says "it's almost here, its time, if your wife gives one more push, he'll arrive." | 0:09:47 | 0:09:54 | |
So, my wife went, "urggh," baby went, whoosh. | 0:09:54 | 0:10:00 | |
I... | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
I put the TV to mute. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
And I leapt across the front room. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
And I caught him and I was the first person | 0:10:16 | 0:10:21 | |
to make contact with our son, he was a little boy, and he was there | 0:10:21 | 0:10:26 | |
in my hands all warm and new and it was one of the most overwhelming things you will ever do. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:32 | |
And I tell you now, I was in pieces, I was in floods of tears, my wife | 0:10:32 | 0:10:36 | |
was crying, the midwife was crying, and your mind just becomes a mush. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:42 | |
I mean to this day I can't explain why I did, | 0:10:42 | 0:10:47 | |
..what I did, next. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
It was so emotional. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Maybe it's because I'm Welsh, I don't know, | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
but I went. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
But thank God we hadn't cut the cord. He shot back. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:15 | |
It was junior bungee. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
He ended up lying on the floor... | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
..with all this umbilical cord snaking around the room back to his mother, yards of it. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:35 | |
I thought what the hell do we do now? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
I needn't have worried, calm as a cucumber, | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
the midwife walked over to my wife, she puts her left foot on my wife's right foot and pressed hard | 0:11:40 | 0:11:49 | |
and just like a hoover the cord went.. pssst... | 0:11:49 | 0:11:55 | |
And that's why we called him Henry. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
Well, ladies and gentlemen let's bring on our first guest. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:21 | |
This is a brilliant comedian, last year won Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:26 | |
I love her, I know you will. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Please give a massive Apollo welcome to the superb Sarah Millican. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:33 | |
Hello. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
How exciting is this? | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Are you all having a good night? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Yeah! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:53 | |
Good. I went out a few weeks ago with a friend of mine who's got a really dodgy husband | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
and I was really ill the next day and I'd only had two glasses of wine. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
And I rang her and said "I've got no idea why I'm this ill" | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
and she said "Oh, that'll be Steve he will have spiked your drink." | 0:13:03 | 0:13:08 | |
I said "really?" She said "Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed, | 0:13:09 | 0:13:15 | |
"but I didn't mind so much because I got loads of hoovering done." | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
I'll tell you about me. I live on my own. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
When I first decided to live on my own I was talking to my mum and dad. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
They don't understand why anybody would want to live on their own. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
My mum said "People only live on their own if they've got no friends and nobody loves them." | 0:13:30 | 0:13:37 | |
Cheers, Mum. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
And then my dad made me look up the word hermit in a dictionary. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
But he did give me good advice when I was looking for flats. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
He said "I don't think you should get one that's got a balcony." | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
"What with living on your own there will be a high suicide risk." | 0:13:54 | 0:13:59 | |
I wonder if I should bear that in mind when | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
I'm viewing properties, you know, is that oven gas or electric? | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
Is that light fitting really strong, will it hold a decent weight? | 0:14:06 | 0:14:11 | |
Nine stone? Shut up, ten stone... | 0:14:11 | 0:14:16 | |
and a half. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
And another bloody half. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
I went to a friend of mine's recently she said "come round and I'll cook all your favourite food" | 0:14:22 | 0:14:27 | |
and I thought what a lovely thing to do for somebody. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
So, of course I went round and we had a lovely time. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
She cooked all my favourite food and then about three hours later we're sitting on the sofa | 0:14:32 | 0:14:37 | |
and out of nowhere she just went "I don't think my lady parts look like other girls' lady parts". | 0:14:37 | 0:14:43 | |
What am I supposed to do with that? | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
I realised then that the whole night had been a ploy, favourite foods my arse, come and look at my fanny. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:57 | |
I said I'm not looking at it, I'm not looking at it. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
But if you draw it on a bit of paper | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
I'll have a look at that. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
So, she drew it on a bit of paper and I drew mine as well and they were quite similar so she was happier. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:14 | |
She said mine was tidier. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
I don't really know what that means but I know | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
I definitely don't want to look at her's now that I know it's messy. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:23 | |
But it could have been worse, | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
we could have just put some paint on and done a potato print. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
I've developed a new hobby, some of you probably already do this. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
I've started listening in to people's conversations on the bus and the train, it's entertaining. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:49 | |
And I was listening not long ago to two old ladies and they were talking about what they would do if they | 0:15:49 | 0:15:54 | |
were men for a day, and I thought this is going to be brilliant because pensioners are by definition bonkers. | 0:15:54 | 0:16:00 | |
But I went out to lunch with a couple of my friends and I thought I'd ask them the same question. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
So, my first friend, I said "what would you do if you were a man | 0:16:04 | 0:16:08 | |
for a day" and without thinking she just went "I'd have a wank." | 0:16:08 | 0:16:12 | |
Sounded like she needed to, she sounded awfully tense. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
But these old ladies, different generation, | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
in their 80s and one of them just said "Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?" | 0:16:19 | 0:16:26 | |
The other one said, "Knowing my luck, I'd get a Tuesday and what can you do on a Tuesday?" | 0:16:26 | 0:16:31 | |
My second friend I said, "what would you do if you were a man for a day?" | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
She just said "I'd just do everything." | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
And I thought she meant in a sexual way and I said "is that what you mean | 0:16:43 | 0:16:47 | |
"you'd just do everything, is that what you mean?" | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
She went "No, no, just all the little jobs round the house." | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
But I've been trying to go on a diet, I'm not really very successful. | 0:16:55 | 0:17:00 | |
But I find that when I go shopping and I can't get into things, you know | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
when you try clothes on and you are the size you weren't expecting to be. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
I just come home and I put on a song and the song is Big Girls Don't Cry, | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
you know the song, there's a couple of versions of it, | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
Big Girls Don't Cry. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:15 | |
Such a load of rubbish that isn't it? Big girls don't cry, yeah they do. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:20 | |
They cry because they're fat, they can't get a boyfriend | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
and because there's no trifle left. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
Now, I was on holiday in Spain last year, I'm bragging I know. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
And, outside the hotel there was a lovely pool and I wanted to go | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
in the pool, of course I did, but I'm not overly confident with my | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
figure in a swimming costume and I was watching the women walking in the pool. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
These were like tiny, you know these wafer thin tiny women and I thought I'm not | 0:17:45 | 0:17:50 | |
going to walk in with one of them, if I walk in with one of them people are going to think I've bloody eaten one. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:55 | |
And I wouldn't anyway because there's no meat on them. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
So, I decided instead to walk in with the children | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
because kids are all really fat these days, aren't they? | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
If I walk in the same time as a nine year old boy | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
who's got bigger tits than me, nobody's looking at me any more. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Like I say I don't have kids and most of my friends don't have kids but I think if you | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
ask any woman who doesn't have kids what would worry them about having kids, would always be childbirth. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:29 | |
It's quite a reasonable thing to worry about. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
From what I understand it changes your downstairs, doesn't it? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
It changes your downstairs. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
I quite like my downstairs the way it is, thanks very much, certainly don't want a bloody extension. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:44 | |
But its bound to change, isn't it? Because you're forcing a person out, | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
that's what you're doing, you're forcing a person out. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
I've never forced a person out, I've forced a couple in. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
With a shoe horn. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
No, it was just me thumb. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
You've been an absolute delight of an audience, let me leave you with one, oh. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:16 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:19:16 | 0:19:17 | |
Let me leave you on one final thing, most generous of you thank you, let me leave you on one final thing, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:29 | |
somebody recently noticed I have developed something of a cake shelf. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:34 | |
It's bigger than a muffin top so I call it my cake shelf. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:40 | |
I call it my cake shelf because that's where I keep my cake. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
Somebody said to me recently, "are you pregnant?" ohh, I said "only if I've been shagged by Mr Kipling" | 0:19:44 | 0:19:51 | |
And yes, it was exceedingly good. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
You've been amazing, thank you very much, good night. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
Sarah Millican. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:14 | |
The brilliant Sarah Millican. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
OK, would you like some more? | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Yeah! | 0:20:24 | 0:20:25 | |
I'll take that as a yes. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
Next up, one of Ireland's favourite sons with an amazing 12 Edinburgh shows under his belt. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:35 | |
He's seen 12 Edinburgh shows. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
One of the most popular comics on the circuit | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
and a lovely man as well, go absolutely crazy it is Jason Byrne. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
Hello. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:03 | |
Yeah, it's really good to be in Britain, | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
it's great to be in a place which is as miserable as Ireland, fantastic. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
I come from an Irish background from the 70s and 80s. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:15 | |
I was a really weird looking little kid. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
I also had a special eye, or a lazy eye, or a bung eye, or, as I found out in Scotland, a cock eye. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:26 | |
That's what I had and I had huge glasses to magnify the special eye. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:34 | |
Just in case children from a distance couldn't see the special eye. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:41 | |
And what do the doctors do they put a patch over my good eye. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
I spent half my childhood banging into shit. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:57 | |
I couldn't see anything. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
And the boys were quite rough when I was a kid, | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
I used to stand with the girls when the guys were on a swing. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
There's loads of young people here, I'm not too sure if you know what a swing is. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:11 | |
A stick and a rope, real recession times, real recession times. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:18 | |
Not like the recession we're in now. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
Oh, I can't go on my third holiday, oh, really can you not? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
You want to be when I was a kid, sitting in a puddle with your best friend. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:31 | |
With my special eye. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
Are you enjoying the puddle, Dermot? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
Yes, I am enjoying the puddle isn't it fun? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
The blokes built a swing I couldn't get on because I was too scared of breaking my special eye. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:49 | |
It was dangerous, it was like off a 20 foot drop from a tree right down into a dried river bed and over here | 0:22:49 | 0:22:57 | |
there was like dead rats, barbed wire, tramps and some petrol for setting fire. It had to kill you. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:03 | |
That was the rules. I just stood with the girls with my special eye, just watching it. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:09 | |
"Its dangerous, girls, isn't it? | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
"I'll never get on that." | 0:23:12 | 0:23:13 | |
Eventually after six months, "just get on it Byrne, just get on it." | 0:23:13 | 0:23:17 | |
So, I went "right I will, I will get on that swing and enjoy myself." | 0:23:17 | 0:23:23 | |
And I got up into the tree and I stood on that branch and they swung up the rope | 0:23:23 | 0:23:28 | |
and I couldn't catch it because I was seeing two ropes with my special eye. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
"I can't get it lads, bring it up." | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
One of them had to bring it up, put the stick between my legs, hold me up like this on the branch. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:41 | |
There was guys on the ground going, "is he up there, is he up there?" | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
"Yeah, yeah you can just see his testicles either side of the rope." | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
"And the special eye just sticking out the edge there." | 0:23:48 | 0:23:53 | |
And they let go of me, oh, my God I felt amazing. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
I swung across, "yeah, I'm free" | 0:23:55 | 0:24:00 | |
and on the third swing, this is no shit, the thing snapped on me. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:06 | |
And me and my special eye into the bushes upside down. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
The kids asked me was I OK, I wasn't OK. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
I'd hurt my coccyx, I was in bits. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:18 | |
So, now I had to walk home, my coccyx sprained or broken, I didn't know. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:23 | |
My special eye, my patch and my huge glasses. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:27 | |
Tyring to find the road, going "I'm OK, I'll find the road, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'll find the road." | 0:24:27 | 0:24:33 | |
Got to the edge of the road, this is no messing, got to the edge of the road and I checked the road. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:39 | |
I went "there's no cars that way and there's no cars that way, special eye says to go ahead." | 0:24:39 | 0:24:45 | |
And I went out and the minute I stood on the road, a car hit me on the hip. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:50 | |
On the hip, this is no joke, spun me up in the air, I did a somersault, | 0:24:50 | 0:24:55 | |
landed on the bonnet, spun off, landed on the ground and stood up and just kept walking. | 0:24:55 | 0:25:02 | |
I didn't even know I was knocked down. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
I thought my special eye was having an epileptic fit in my head. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
"Jesus that was weird." | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
The guy in the car was in more shock than I was. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:18 | |
He reversed up, right reversed up, leaned over, wound down the window, | 0:25:18 | 0:25:23 | |
wound it down young people, he wound it down. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:27 | |
He leaned across and wound it down, not the master switch, he leaned across | 0:25:27 | 0:25:34 | |
with his huge arm and wound it down and the window came down like this | 0:25:34 | 0:25:40 | |
and then fell into the door. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
And he looked out at me and he went "I just knocked you down son, are you OK?" | 0:25:43 | 0:25:48 | |
And I remember looking up with my special eye and just going "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers." | 0:25:48 | 0:25:54 | |
And walked on! | 0:25:56 | 0:25:57 | |
But this is the thing all that time I got knocked down, | 0:25:57 | 0:26:02 | |
I got knocked out by a basketball, all these things happened to me but I never really broke anything, never. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:08 | |
And all you young people you take heed of this, until I was 36 that's when I realised I was old | 0:26:08 | 0:26:15 | |
and this was when I ripped the cartilage in my knee. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
I couldn't believe it. I needed a quick poo, this is no messing, | 0:26:18 | 0:26:23 | |
I ran into the toilet, | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
pulled my trousers down, bent down too quickly and my knee fell off. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:31 | |
No, bungee jumping, parachute stories for the grandchildren. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:41 | |
"What happened to granddad's knee?" | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
"Oh, he was having a shit and it fell off." | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
And when you have a shit like that and you break your knee, | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
especially the cartilage, your knee locks, it locks. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:58 | |
I was stuck on the toilet with my trousers halfway down. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
I couldn't get up. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
I had to call my wife. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
Now, I'm with my wife 12 years, it doesn't matter what she sees any more | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
the hate in our marriage couldn't get any bigger. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
I had to call my wife, "Brenda!" | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
She came, opened the door, looked at me and went "What?" | 0:27:18 | 0:27:22 | |
"I've broken my knee having a shit." | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
She looked at me, my loving wife and went, "you idiot!" | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
"I haven't got time for this I've got dinner on." | 0:27:32 | 0:27:37 | |
But I was stuck on the toilet. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
"You'll have to help me up." | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
So, she put her arms around me and she went to lift me up. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
"You'll have to do something else first." | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
She went "I am not doing that." So, this is what she did to me instead, | 0:27:53 | 0:27:59 | |
she held me off the toilet about an inch and shook me from side to side. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:03 | |
We didn't make love for at least four months after that. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
Right, ladies and gentleman, goodbye, thanks very much Apollo. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:18 | |
Goodbye. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:21 | |
Wow! Jason Byrne. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
Well, that's it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 | |
I hope you've had a good time. | 0:28:36 | 0:28:37 | |
Thanks to the lovely Sarah Millican and the fantastic Jason Byrne. | 0:28:37 | 0:28:41 | |
This has been Live at the Apollo, I'm Rob Brydon, good night. | 0:28:41 | 0:28:45 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:53 | 0:28:55 |