Episode 2 Live at the Apollo


Episode 2

Stand-up comedy. Bafta-nominated actor and comedian Rob Brydon hosts. His special guests are funny lady Sarah Millican and Ireland's Jason Byrne.


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Transcript


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Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rob Brydon.

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Hello!

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Hello, Hammersmith.

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What an audience.

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Wow, this audience is jam-packed with celebrities.

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Where have we got, there he is Craig Revel Horwood.

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Craig recently had an autobiography out, what a colourful life,

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mostly orange but nonetheless.

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And also where's Rachel Stevens?

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Hello Rachel, Rachel Stevens is here, ladies and gentlemen,

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how about that? Rachel, of course, once won the title rear of the year.

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Yes, she did, rear of the year.

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Not unlike an award, rear of the year, not unlike the award that

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you won Craig, two years running, arse of the century.

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Wow.

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Alison Steadman is here.

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Alison, I loved you in Nuts in May, I did. Yes, yes, and who'd have thought an actress of your standing

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would be willing to get them out for a lad's mag.

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She was in Nuts in May, did you not see it?

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She's doing Loaded for December as well.

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I'm joking, of course. Oh, it's lovely to be here, it really is.

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I, myself am very excited.

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I recently became a father again.

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CHEERING

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Thank you. For the fourth time.

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Oh, yes, oh, yes.

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Now, because I'd already had children

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I was determined not to fall into the traps that new parents have.

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The risk of the false alarm.

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Now, this is when a lady gets towards her due date

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and she gets a little twinge and she thinks the baby might be coming.

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She goes to the hospital only to be told it's wind.

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I didn't want my wife running off to the hospital,

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in fairness I should have given her lift, only to be told,

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only to be told, that it was wind.

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So, whenever she'd have a little twinge,

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I'd say "darling, don't worry, relax."

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Now, with hindsight

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that was a bad idea.

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Nine days before the due date she woke up, she sat on the

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edge of the bed, she went "Aargh, ooh, ooh, eeeh, eeeh, ohh, ohh."

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I could barely hear the television.

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She said "I think it might be today."

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Now, this was terrible news for me because I'm a big golfer

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and this was a day I'd had in the diary for some time.

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I was going to play golf,

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on this day, with Ronnie Corbett.

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I know, it's true, this is a true story.

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That's not the sort of thing you scrub out of a diary on a whim, is it?

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So, I said "look let's just see how it goes."

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But, if anything, by lunch time it had got worse.

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And come midday she actually turned to me and she said "Rob" she said, "I don't think you should go."

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Unbelievable.

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I didn't know what to do. I'm not a cold hearted man.

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So, I stood there and I was torn, should I stay or should I go?

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It was a moral dilemma.

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So, what I did was this.

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I asked myself a question I often ask at times of moral dilemma,

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"What would Rod Stewart do?"

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So, there we were on the 14th.

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We had a cracking afternoon's golf, we really had. Ronnie was on fire.

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We'd been out there for a few hours and I turned my mobile back on and sure enough

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there's a message from my wife. She says "Oh, my God

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"get home it's started, I've gone into labour."

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Well, I get home, all hell has broken loose.

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My wife is in the front room, with the midwife.

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It's the television room. And she's on all fours, right.

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It's a Sony 42 inch plasma.

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And she's sweating.

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She's "arggh its too big, its too big, get it out."

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She wasn't saying that during the conception.

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Oh, she's in a hell of a state, she's very uncomfortable.

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And the midwife takes me to one side and she says

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"Mr Brydon", because I insist on that.

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She says "Mr Brydon, I've examined your wife,

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"she's already 8cm dilated, there's no way we'll get to hospital.

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"We're going to have to have the baby here."

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Well, this was scary, a home birth, no pain relief

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you see with a home birth, oh, no, I would have absolutely nothing.

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And its different, a home birth is different, you don't lie on your back, you give birth like a mammal.

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You give birth on all fours like a bear, very naturally.

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And when a child is born this way, the first thing to...

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# When a child is born. #

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Johnny Mathis there.

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# A ray of hope

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# Flickers in the sky. #

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Who'd have thought it.

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When a child is born that way the first thing to appear is the head.

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So, picture my wife, OK, there she is,

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"Aarggh."

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# All across the land

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# Dawns a brand new morn

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# This comes to pass

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# When a child is born. #

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Now, he didn't do that, he didn't wave his head around like that, OK?

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I'm just doing that so you can see.

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I mean, my God, if he'd done that it would have been horrific.

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That didn't happen. That didn't happen.

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But what does happen is the head just hangs there

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and your wife is there with a little human head

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hanging between her legs.

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A tiny miniature human head.

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It's the most horrific thing you'll ever see.

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But you can't look away.

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She had a tiny human head there.

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She had a head there, she had a head here.

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She looked like a playing card.

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And I'm terrified.

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Oh, I'm terrified, I don't know what to do and he looked angry as well.

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His face was all scrunched up, he was livid.

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I mean, to this day we can't be sure what it was but something had rubbed him up the wrong way in there.

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He's just hanging there between her legs looking in the opposite direction.

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He looked like a rear gunner.

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And I'm terrified, I'm freaking out now.

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Now, Alison, here's the thing, you'll love this.

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I had said to the midwife, and this is a bit soppy,

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I'd said I wanted to be the first person to hold our baby.

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I wanted to be the first one to make flesh on flesh contact. I wanted to bond.

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It sounds silly but I was hoping for a sort of a Lion King moment.

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SINGS OPENING PHRASE OF THE LION KING

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That's what I wanted.

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And if that had gone well.

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# Hakuna matata. #

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But I'm freaking out.

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So, the head hangs there for about ten, 12 minutes finally the midwife

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says "it's almost here, its time, if your wife gives one more push, he'll arrive."

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So, my wife went, "urggh," baby went, whoosh.

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I...

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I put the TV to mute.

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And I leapt across the front room.

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And I caught him and I was the first person

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to make contact with our son, he was a little boy, and he was there

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in my hands all warm and new and it was one of the most overwhelming things you will ever do.

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And I tell you now, I was in pieces, I was in floods of tears, my wife

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was crying, the midwife was crying, and your mind just becomes a mush.

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I mean to this day I can't explain why I did,

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..what I did, next.

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It was so emotional.

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Maybe it's because I'm Welsh, I don't know,

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but I went.

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But thank God we hadn't cut the cord. He shot back.

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It was junior bungee.

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He ended up lying on the floor...

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..with all this umbilical cord snaking around the room back to his mother, yards of it.

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I thought what the hell do we do now?

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I needn't have worried, calm as a cucumber,

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the midwife walked over to my wife, she puts her left foot on my wife's right foot and pressed hard

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and just like a hoover the cord went.. pssst...

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And that's why we called him Henry.

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Well, ladies and gentlemen let's bring on our first guest.

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This is a brilliant comedian, last year won Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival.

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I love her, I know you will.

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Please give a massive Apollo welcome to the superb Sarah Millican.

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Hello.

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How exciting is this?

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Are you all having a good night?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

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Good. I went out a few weeks ago with a friend of mine who's got a really dodgy husband

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and I was really ill the next day and I'd only had two glasses of wine.

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And I rang her and said "I've got no idea why I'm this ill"

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and she said "Oh, that'll be Steve he will have spiked your drink."

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I said "really?" She said "Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed,

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"but I didn't mind so much because I got loads of hoovering done."

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I'll tell you about me. I live on my own.

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When I first decided to live on my own I was talking to my mum and dad.

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They don't understand why anybody would want to live on their own.

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My mum said "People only live on their own if they've got no friends and nobody loves them."

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Cheers, Mum.

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And then my dad made me look up the word hermit in a dictionary.

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But he did give me good advice when I was looking for flats.

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He said "I don't think you should get one that's got a balcony."

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"What with living on your own there will be a high suicide risk."

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I wonder if I should bear that in mind when

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I'm viewing properties, you know, is that oven gas or electric?

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Is that light fitting really strong, will it hold a decent weight?

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Nine stone? Shut up, ten stone...

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and a half.

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And another bloody half.

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I went to a friend of mine's recently she said "come round and I'll cook all your favourite food"

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and I thought what a lovely thing to do for somebody.

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So, of course I went round and we had a lovely time.

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She cooked all my favourite food and then about three hours later we're sitting on the sofa

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and out of nowhere she just went "I don't think my lady parts look like other girls' lady parts".

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What am I supposed to do with that?

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I realised then that the whole night had been a ploy, favourite foods my arse, come and look at my fanny.

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I said I'm not looking at it, I'm not looking at it.

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But if you draw it on a bit of paper

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I'll have a look at that.

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So, she drew it on a bit of paper and I drew mine as well and they were quite similar so she was happier.

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She said mine was tidier.

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I don't really know what that means but I know

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I definitely don't want to look at her's now that I know it's messy.

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But it could have been worse,

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we could have just put some paint on and done a potato print.

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I've developed a new hobby, some of you probably already do this.

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I've started listening in to people's conversations on the bus and the train, it's entertaining.

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And I was listening not long ago to two old ladies and they were talking about what they would do if they

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were men for a day, and I thought this is going to be brilliant because pensioners are by definition bonkers.

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But I went out to lunch with a couple of my friends and I thought I'd ask them the same question.

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So, my first friend, I said "what would you do if you were a man

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for a day" and without thinking she just went "I'd have a wank."

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Sounded like she needed to, she sounded awfully tense.

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But these old ladies, different generation,

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in their 80s and one of them just said "Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?"

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The other one said, "Knowing my luck, I'd get a Tuesday and what can you do on a Tuesday?"

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My second friend I said, "what would you do if you were a man for a day?"

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She just said "I'd just do everything."

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And I thought she meant in a sexual way and I said "is that what you mean

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"you'd just do everything, is that what you mean?"

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She went "No, no, just all the little jobs round the house."

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But I've been trying to go on a diet, I'm not really very successful.

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But I find that when I go shopping and I can't get into things, you know

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when you try clothes on and you are the size you weren't expecting to be.

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I just come home and I put on a song and the song is Big Girls Don't Cry,

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you know the song, there's a couple of versions of it,

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Big Girls Don't Cry.

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Such a load of rubbish that isn't it? Big girls don't cry, yeah they do.

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They cry because they're fat, they can't get a boyfriend

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and because there's no trifle left.

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Now, I was on holiday in Spain last year, I'm bragging I know.

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And, outside the hotel there was a lovely pool and I wanted to go

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in the pool, of course I did, but I'm not overly confident with my

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figure in a swimming costume and I was watching the women walking in the pool.

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These were like tiny, you know these wafer thin tiny women and I thought I'm not

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going to walk in with one of them, if I walk in with one of them people are going to think I've bloody eaten one.

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And I wouldn't anyway because there's no meat on them.

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So, I decided instead to walk in with the children

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because kids are all really fat these days, aren't they?

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If I walk in the same time as a nine year old boy

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who's got bigger tits than me, nobody's looking at me any more.

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Like I say I don't have kids and most of my friends don't have kids but I think if you

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ask any woman who doesn't have kids what would worry them about having kids, would always be childbirth.

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It's quite a reasonable thing to worry about.

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From what I understand it changes your downstairs, doesn't it?

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It changes your downstairs.

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I quite like my downstairs the way it is, thanks very much, certainly don't want a bloody extension.

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But its bound to change, isn't it? Because you're forcing a person out,

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that's what you're doing, you're forcing a person out.

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I've never forced a person out, I've forced a couple in.

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With a shoe horn.

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No, it was just me thumb.

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You've been an absolute delight of an audience, let me leave you with one, oh.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Let me leave you on one final thing, most generous of you thank you, let me leave you on one final thing,

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somebody recently noticed I have developed something of a cake shelf.

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It's bigger than a muffin top so I call it my cake shelf.

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I call it my cake shelf because that's where I keep my cake.

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Somebody said to me recently, "are you pregnant?" ohh, I said "only if I've been shagged by Mr Kipling"

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And yes, it was exceedingly good.

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You've been amazing, thank you very much, good night.

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Sarah Millican.

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The brilliant Sarah Millican.

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OK, would you like some more?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

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I'll take that as a yes.

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Next up, one of Ireland's favourite sons with an amazing 12 Edinburgh shows under his belt.

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He's seen 12 Edinburgh shows.

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One of the most popular comics on the circuit

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and a lovely man as well, go absolutely crazy it is Jason Byrne.

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Hello.

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Yeah, it's really good to be in Britain,

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it's great to be in a place which is as miserable as Ireland, fantastic.

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I come from an Irish background from the 70s and 80s.

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I was a really weird looking little kid.

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I also had a special eye, or a lazy eye, or a bung eye, or, as I found out in Scotland, a cock eye.

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That's what I had and I had huge glasses to magnify the special eye.

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Just in case children from a distance couldn't see the special eye.

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And what do the doctors do they put a patch over my good eye.

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I spent half my childhood banging into shit.

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I couldn't see anything.

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And the boys were quite rough when I was a kid,

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I used to stand with the girls when the guys were on a swing.

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There's loads of young people here, I'm not too sure if you know what a swing is.

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A stick and a rope, real recession times, real recession times.

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Not like the recession we're in now.

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Oh, I can't go on my third holiday, oh, really can you not?

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You want to be when I was a kid, sitting in a puddle with your best friend.

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With my special eye.

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Are you enjoying the puddle, Dermot?

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Yes, I am enjoying the puddle isn't it fun?

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The blokes built a swing I couldn't get on because I was too scared of breaking my special eye.

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It was dangerous, it was like off a 20 foot drop from a tree right down into a dried river bed and over here

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there was like dead rats, barbed wire, tramps and some petrol for setting fire. It had to kill you.

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That was the rules. I just stood with the girls with my special eye, just watching it.

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"Its dangerous, girls, isn't it?

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"I'll never get on that."

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Eventually after six months, "just get on it Byrne, just get on it."

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So, I went "right I will, I will get on that swing and enjoy myself."

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And I got up into the tree and I stood on that branch and they swung up the rope

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and I couldn't catch it because I was seeing two ropes with my special eye.

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"I can't get it lads, bring it up."

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One of them had to bring it up, put the stick between my legs, hold me up like this on the branch.

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There was guys on the ground going, "is he up there, is he up there?"

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"Yeah, yeah you can just see his testicles either side of the rope."

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"And the special eye just sticking out the edge there."

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And they let go of me, oh, my God I felt amazing.

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I swung across, "yeah, I'm free"

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and on the third swing, this is no shit, the thing snapped on me.

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And me and my special eye into the bushes upside down.

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The kids asked me was I OK, I wasn't OK.

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I'd hurt my coccyx, I was in bits.

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So, now I had to walk home, my coccyx sprained or broken, I didn't know.

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My special eye, my patch and my huge glasses.

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Tyring to find the road, going "I'm OK, I'll find the road, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'll find the road."

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Got to the edge of the road, this is no messing, got to the edge of the road and I checked the road.

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I went "there's no cars that way and there's no cars that way, special eye says to go ahead."

0:24:390:24:45

And I went out and the minute I stood on the road, a car hit me on the hip.

0:24:450:24:50

On the hip, this is no joke, spun me up in the air, I did a somersault,

0:24:500:24:55

landed on the bonnet, spun off, landed on the ground and stood up and just kept walking.

0:24:550:25:02

I didn't even know I was knocked down.

0:25:020:25:04

I thought my special eye was having an epileptic fit in my head.

0:25:040:25:07

"Jesus that was weird."

0:25:110:25:13

The guy in the car was in more shock than I was.

0:25:140:25:18

He reversed up, right reversed up, leaned over, wound down the window,

0:25:180:25:23

wound it down young people, he wound it down.

0:25:230:25:27

He leaned across and wound it down, not the master switch, he leaned across

0:25:270:25:34

with his huge arm and wound it down and the window came down like this

0:25:340:25:40

and then fell into the door.

0:25:400:25:43

And he looked out at me and he went "I just knocked you down son, are you OK?"

0:25:430:25:48

And I remember looking up with my special eye and just going "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers."

0:25:480:25:54

And walked on!

0:25:560:25:57

But this is the thing all that time I got knocked down,

0:25:570:26:02

I got knocked out by a basketball, all these things happened to me but I never really broke anything, never.

0:26:020:26:08

And all you young people you take heed of this, until I was 36 that's when I realised I was old

0:26:080:26:15

and this was when I ripped the cartilage in my knee.

0:26:150:26:18

I couldn't believe it. I needed a quick poo, this is no messing,

0:26:180:26:23

I ran into the toilet,

0:26:230:26:25

pulled my trousers down, bent down too quickly and my knee fell off.

0:26:250:26:31

No, bungee jumping, parachute stories for the grandchildren.

0:26:350:26:41

"What happened to granddad's knee?"

0:26:410:26:44

"Oh, he was having a shit and it fell off."

0:26:440:26:47

And when you have a shit like that and you break your knee,

0:26:500:26:53

especially the cartilage, your knee locks, it locks.

0:26:530:26:58

I was stuck on the toilet with my trousers halfway down.

0:26:580:27:02

I couldn't get up.

0:27:020:27:04

I had to call my wife.

0:27:040:27:06

Now, I'm with my wife 12 years, it doesn't matter what she sees any more

0:27:060:27:10

the hate in our marriage couldn't get any bigger.

0:27:100:27:13

I had to call my wife, "Brenda!"

0:27:150:27:18

She came, opened the door, looked at me and went "What?"

0:27:180:27:22

"I've broken my knee having a shit."

0:27:240:27:26

She looked at me, my loving wife and went, "you idiot!"

0:27:280:27:32

"I haven't got time for this I've got dinner on."

0:27:320:27:37

But I was stuck on the toilet.

0:27:370:27:41

"You'll have to help me up."

0:27:410:27:43

So, she put her arms around me and she went to lift me up.

0:27:430:27:47

"You'll have to do something else first."

0:27:470:27:50

She went "I am not doing that." So, this is what she did to me instead,

0:27:530:27:59

she held me off the toilet about an inch and shook me from side to side.

0:27:590:28:03

We didn't make love for at least four months after that.

0:28:090:28:12

Right, ladies and gentleman, goodbye, thanks very much Apollo.

0:28:140:28:18

Goodbye.

0:28:200:28:21

Wow! Jason Byrne.

0:28:270:28:29

Well, that's it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

0:28:330:28:36

I hope you've had a good time.

0:28:360:28:37

Thanks to the lovely Sarah Millican and the fantastic Jason Byrne.

0:28:370:28:41

This has been Live at the Apollo, I'm Rob Brydon, good night.

0:28:410:28:45

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:510:28:53

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:530:28:55

Stand-up comedy from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo. Bafta-nominated actor and comedian from the Valleys Rob Brydon hosts. His special guests are funny lady Sarah Millican and Ireland's Jason Byrne.


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