Episode 6 Live at the Apollo


Episode 6

Stand-up comedy from the world-famous London venue. Alistair McGowan introduces appearances by Scotland's young comedy prodigy Kevin Bridges and the acclaimed Reginald D Hunter.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Alistair McGowan!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much indeed!

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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I am Alistair McGowan, yes, indeed. The man who brought you...

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IMITATES EACH PERSON: David Beckham, Michael Parkinson and Dot Cotton.

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Richard Madeley. Welcome back, welcome back. Terry Wogan,

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David Schwimmer...hey!

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And Eddie Izzard, woooorrr...

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And sometimes Steven Gerrard. E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-erm...

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no! ..is back.

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Yes, indeed, I'm back. We've got some very famous faces in the audience.

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Dominic Littlewood is here, ladies and gentlemen!

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Dominic, I've got to say I love the programme, and some friends and I

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were sitting around at the weekend and we all agreed that,

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for us, TV Burp is one of the highlights of the week!

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Love the show!

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No, Dominic, of course, you'll all know from The One Show, hosted by Adrian Chiles.

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I always think of him as Adrian Child

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because he is just like a big kid, isn't he?

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No matter who he interviews, whether it's Gordon Strachan, Gordon Brown or Gordon Ramsay,

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all you hear is him saying, "What's it like being you, then, eh?

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"Is it good being you? Is it good, eh?

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"Have you got your own house? Is it a big house?

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"How long does your dad let you stay up until? Does he?

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"A bit later at weekends, is it? Yeah, yeah.

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"Hey, how far you been with a lady?

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"What, inside upstairs? You lucky bastard!

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"Do you like football? I love football. I've got West Bromwich Albion everything.

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"A duvet, towels, I've even got West Bromwich Albion wallpaper.

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"Yeah, it looks great but it just won't stay up!"

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Oh, yes.

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Oh, yes!

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Craig Revel Horwood is here, from Strictly Come Dancing.

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Rachel Stevens is here as well, ladies and gentlemen.

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Rachel, you were actually ON Strictly.

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Are the judges the same off-camera as they are on-camera?

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-Absolutely, yes.

-Absolutely the same?

-Yeah.

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I've always wondered, do the judges take themselves home with them

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to the house, to the bedroom even?

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when Craig Revel Horwood has sex, afterwards, does he have to give a critique on it?

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Is he there saying things like,

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"Well, for me, it was messy, actually."

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"Your legs were bent, um...

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"It got better and better and, by the end,

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"I have to say I didn't want it to stop, actually."

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-That would be funny!

-That would be funny?

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We're working together well as a double act, me and Craig. I'll be on that panel before you know it.

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I love Bruno. I'm sure you love him, on the programme.

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I wish sometimes I could be more like Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing.

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Cos he's so expressive, you know.

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Recently, I had a piano delivered to my second-floor flat.

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These two blokes, they struggled up flights of stairs, round corners.

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It took them an hour and a half, and all I could say at the end was,

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in my very English way, "Thanks, guys, really appreciate it."

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I just wished I'd been Bruno Tonioli cos then I would've said,

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"Brian and Roger is Fred and Ginger for me tonight!

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"Moving a piano is not easy.

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"You have to go on and off, lift and back into hold.

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"You did that effortlessly.

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"For me, ten out of ten!"

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So, Rachel, are you friends with other musicians?

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Are you friends with people like Gary Barlow?

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-I know Gary, yeah.

-Yeah, you know Gary?

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I worry about Gary Barlow. Whenever I hear him talking, I'm thinking,

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"Gary, if you're going to start talking any more slowly than what you do at the moment..."

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Cos he does talk quite slowly. "Eh, tell you what. Know what I mean?

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I thought, "Hang on, Gary, if you start to talk any more slowly,

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"you're going to turn before you know it

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"into Dave off the Royle Family, aren't you, Barbara?"

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Jason Isaacs and Fay Ripley are in here tonight.

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Jason, of course, a big football fan.

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Who do you support?

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-Liverpool.

-Liverpool. Are you sorry?

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CHEERING AND BOOING

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One of their former players, Michael Owen,

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wrote his autobiography at the age of 19.

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He was 19, ladies and gentlemen, when he wrote his autobiography.

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I read it. It was 350 pages long. He could've condensed it to a paragraph.

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All he needed to write was, "I was born in Chester in 1980,

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"started to play football at the age of two, was quite good at it.

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"Erm, went to big school...

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"..played some more football. Er, was really good at it.

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"Played football for Liverpool Boys, was really, really good at it.

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"Played football for Liverpool, was brilliant.

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"Played football for England. That'll be £19.95, please."

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But of course, nobody is talking about Michael Owen for the World Cup squad in 2010.

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We've qualified. Fabio Capello, didn't he do a great job as manager?

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It almost depressed me that Fabio made such a difference as England manager from the start,

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because when he took over, he could barely speak any English.

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I thought, how many words do you need to be a successful manager of the English team?

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About ten, it seemed in Fabio's case.

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Errr...yes.

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Errrr....no.

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Errrrr...good.

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Errrrr...bad.

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Errr...happy... HE LAUGHS

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..is me.

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Errr....you.

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Errrr....ball.

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Errrr....goal.

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Errr...money.

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HE CHUCKLES

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His native country Italy were the last winners of the World Cup back in 2006.

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You may know the statistics.

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Nine months after that, there was a huge rise in the birth rate in Italy.

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That is how the Italians celebrated winning the World Cup.

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Fantastic. When England won the World Cup in 1966,

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there was a power surge when everyone made themselves a cup of tea.

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They do things better abroad, don't they?

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Ronnie Ancona is here, from The Big Impression!

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It sounds very Italian, but Ronnie was brought up in Scotland.

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-When was the last time you went back to Scotland?

-Last year.

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I was back in Scotland very recently. I have to say it has changed a lot.

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For a start, they all have Italian sandwich bars everywhere, which is fantastic.

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The Italian breads are wonderful

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but also you get hear Scottish people saying, "Can I have a ciaba'a?"

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In Scotland, they have millionaire's shortbread.

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Down here of course, we just call that a caramel slice.

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In Scotland, it's a millionaire's shortbread.

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I was talking to Andy Parsons from Mock The Week about this,

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and he said, "Obviously, in Scotland,

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"they thought only a millionaire could afford to put chocolate

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"and caramel on top of a piece of shortbread biscuit.

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"What must they make of a banoffee pie?"

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So we've got some big names in tonight.

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Some sadly couldn't make it tonight.

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They left messages on my machine before the show.

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Rowan Atkinson cancelled at the last minute.

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He said, "The chances of me...

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"..sitting in the audience at Live At The Apollo,

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"are about as high as the ankle socks on a particularly small beetle,

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"who's standing in a ditch."

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I took that as a no.

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We were hoping Jo Brand would be here but she's busy.

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She's always busy. Very recently, she was on Question Time.

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She was brilliant. Sadly, she wasn't on with Nick Griffin.

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That would've been interesting.

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AS JO BRAND: Um, if I was leader of the Labour Party...

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I thank you. Um, no, um...

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if I was leader of the Labour Party,

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how would I get rid of the threat posed by Nick Griffin?

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Um, well, I think I'd probably eat the bastard!

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We hoped the Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert...

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We hoped he'd be here, but he couldn't make it.

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"I'm busy, I've got a meeting. I'm meeting an American producer."

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"But Americans, they confuse me, they confuse me.

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"When I meet Americans, they always say to me, 'What's up?'

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"I want to say, 'Why should something be up?

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"'Do I look like something is up? Nothing is bloody up!

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"'Will you stop asking me what's up? I'm from Wales.

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"'Most things in Wales are bloody down, all right?!'"

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So many programmes on Channel 4 and ITV seem never to actually start.

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They just seem to be a trailer for a programme that never begins,

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particularly anything hosted by Gok Wan, you know?

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You'll hear him say, "Hello, welcome to How To Look Good Naked.

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"Coming up in part one, I'll remind you of the basic idea of the show for the umpteenth time,

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"and showing you what's coming up in part two.

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"In part two, we'll be looking back at what we did in part one and looking ahead to part three.

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"In part three, we'll be looking back at what we did and looking ahead to what's coming up,

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"and in part four we'll be looking back at what we did, looking ahead to what we're doing next week,

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"and we'll show you five minutes of footage of someone looking a bit better now than they did,

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"but I still wouldn't go anywhere near them with a bargepole, girlfriend!"

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I worry that if I ever met Gok, I'd call him Cok by mistake.

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Do you worry about that?

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People get very upset on his show. They cry. Men and women, they cry.

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It's all right though now for men to cry in public, generally.

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But one thing you will never see an upset man doing...

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You will never see an upset man going...

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"I'll be all right in a minute. I'll be all right.

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"I shouldn't have started talking about it." Why do you do that, girls?

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What is going on there?

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Are you trying to waft the tears back into your eyes?

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Seriously, girls, if you could blow fluids back inside the body,

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do you not think you'd see men outside pubs on a Friday night going...

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Makes no sense at all to me.

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But people cry. They cry at the end of X Factor as well, don't they?

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Particularly because the judges on those programmes are very mean to the contestants.

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I often wonder, what would Louis Walsh say

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if Louis Walsh walked into the room?

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What would Simon Cowell say if Simon Cowell walked into the room?

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Louis Walsh, imagine that.

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"Well, I gotta say, you know, looking at you, you've got no style,

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"you've got no image, you're just grey.

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"You know, grey hair, grey eyes, grey face. You're like a ghost, you know.

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"I mean, if we were casting the new Casper the friendly ghost, we might be interested, you know?

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"But I doubt it because your speech is terrible.

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"You've got this shooshy S thing going on there.

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"You don't finish half your words or half your sentences,

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"and when you breathe, you breathe like a tired old dog."

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HE PANTS HEAVILY

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"For me, Louis, it's a no."

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Simon... "Well, look, tell you what.

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"Simon, is it? You know, I'm looking at you

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"thinking I don't know who or what you are.

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"I mean, you know, are you gay or straight, um...

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"Why do you sound like a bored Tony Blair? I don't get it, you know.

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"You have no discernable talent. You're just sort of there, talking.

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"I mean, really, you are the most unskilled, rudest, worst-dressed

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"multi-millionaire TV star the world has ever seen. I'm sorry, but you are. Bye-bye."

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Sorry about that.

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A better comedian like Stewart Lee would have made something of that.

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"I'm now going to get some water,

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"and he'd have done it on-camera and improvised something about how embarrassing it was

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"to have to get water during an act,

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"and everyone would've laughed and it would've been really funny, but...

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"I'm not that comic, so what can I say?

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"Now I've made it worse for myself by doing an impression of someone that most of you don't even know."

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"Yeah."

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But I cannot find a radio station that I like any more, can you?

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I tried Radio 2. Radio 2, you cannot find great music and a great presenter at the same time, can you?

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The man I cannot listen to on Radio 2 at all is Ken Bruce.

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It's the sound of his voice.

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AS KEN BRUCE: For me, Ken Bruce is the sound of grey, wet,

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empty mornings in the countryside seen through uPVC windows.

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Ken Bruce is the sound of furry slippers and swirly carpets.

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Ken Bruce is the sound of a huge pile of ironing

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that you know will never get done.

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Ken Bruce is the sound of a poor man's Terry Wogan

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crossed with a poor man's Ronnie Corbett.

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Can't be doing... I switched to the local radio.

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I tried Capital Radio, Johnny Vaughan in the mornings. He's so energetic though.

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It's too much. He's always doing these competitions.

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Recently he said, "So we wanted you to come up with a slogan

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"for every nation's national lottery.

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"The winner was Chas in Chalk Farm who said

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"the slogan for the Eskimo lottery should be,

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"you've got to be Inuit to winuit."

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"I love that. I love that."

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I found Radio 4 but then they changed their announcer, Brian Perkins.

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You will know his voice.

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Brian Perkins used to do the news, the shipping forecast.

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They got rid of him, now he's doing talking Mills and Boon books.

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I took one out of the library. It was a great listen.

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"Sandra lay sprawled across the bed.

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"Seth entered the room and looked at her naked reclining body.

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"Standing over her, he felt like a conquering Viking,

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"Forties, Cromarty, Forth, North Utsire, South Utsire,

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"rising slowly...

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"..possibly three or four later if he's lucky. Generally good!"

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I love the silly season in the summer on the news.

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There were some great stories this year.

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Did you hear when Huw Edwards said, "The presenter of Channel 4's How To Look Good Naked programme

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"has had his kitchen broken into and ransacked.

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"Yes, Gok Wan's wok's gone."

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I love stories like that. Then there was the story that the weather people had lied to us.

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Carol Kirkwood, you should be ashamed of yourself!

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In the summer, we were told the weather men had lied.

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They'd said we'd have a good summer to make us feel good,

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knowing it wouldn't be that great. Naughty Carol.

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But we should not be surprised. We know they lie to us.

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Even my favourite weather forecaster Daniel Corbett lies in the winter.

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You know Daniel Corbett?

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He says things like, "This weather system here is going to clear away, there it goes.

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"Another system comes down. Look, here comes his friend. Hello, system's friend.

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"Look at all these systems converging, converging. Look at my hands.

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"Am I a failed ballerina or just a little bit special? You decide.

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"I turn to the side, I disappear, I'm a head on a stick. That's your weather for now."

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You know Daniel.

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Even Daniel lies in the winter.

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He talks about this thing called "wind chill".

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He'll say things like, "So temperatures,

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"about ten degrees when this weather system clears away.

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"It's a strong wind as well, and with that wind chill, it's going to feel more like minus two."

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Hang on a minute, Daniel. If it's going to FEEL like minus two, surely it IS minus two, isn't it?

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They don't use this applied maths in other areas of the media.

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You never heard Moira Stuart on the news say,

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"The Government have announced that the unemployed figures have now risen to 2.4 million

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"but it's going to feel more like 7."

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You never hear Gary Lineker on Match Of The Day saying,

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"Liverpool are seven points behind Manchester United but it's going to feel more like 18."

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Anyway, that's enough from me.

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Time to introduce our first act of the night.

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A young man who shot to fame on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow, here he is now Live At The Apollo.

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Please welcome Kevin Bridges!

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Thank you, hello!

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CHEERING

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The Apollo, eh?

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It's good to be here in London.

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Have we got any other Scottish people in the room?

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CHEERING

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Up on the top deck? Good stuff.

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That's where we keep them. I love Scottish people...

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in London. I love speaking to Scottish people in London.

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They don't want to tell you about any of the sights or tourist attractions.

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They don't want to talk about any shows they've seen.

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They just say, "Guess how much...

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"Guess how much we paid for two drinks. Have a guess.

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"Two drinks, guess how much."

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You know when somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid,"

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in an irate tone, social etiquette is to aim kind of low

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so they can have their little moment of shocking you.

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Now what I've done, I now aim high,

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kill the conversation stone dead.

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Next time somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid for two drinks,"

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just say, "I don't know. How much? 40 quid?"

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"It wasn't quite as much as that.

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"We thought it was quite expensive, but it sounds as if...

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"sounds as if we got a bargain."

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The BNP have been in the papers recently.

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I've seen a bit of racist graffiti that sums up the whole thing.

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It was on a kind of deprived housing area.

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On a newsagent, somebody spray-painted "BNP",

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and below the BNP, they drew a swastika, right?

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Now, beside this swastika were a couple of unsuccessful attempts at drawing a swastika.

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They'd obviously misjudged the complexity of the operation.

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Rather than paint over the failed attempts, they left them there.

0:19:570:20:01

They must've thought you get some form of credit for showing your working.

0:20:010:20:05

I was reading the Government plans to provide musical instruments

0:20:100:20:16

to children, young people from deprived areas, you know,

0:20:160:20:21

cos that'll solve their problems...

0:20:210:20:24

musical instruments.

0:20:240:20:27

"What's up, son? Your mum's a crack addict,

0:20:270:20:31

"your dad's in jail.

0:20:310:20:33

"Don't worry, have a glockenspiel."

0:20:330:20:35

Problem solved.

0:20:440:20:46

"Oh, cheers, mate. Thank you.

0:20:480:20:49

"Everything's fine. # A, B, C, D, E, F, G... #"

0:20:490:20:54

A lot of fond memories of growing up...

0:20:570:21:00

..in the good old days.

0:21:010:21:04

I liked school. My favourite class at school was woodwork.

0:21:040:21:08

Remember craft and design?

0:21:080:21:10

I never actually liked the subject.

0:21:100:21:12

I liked the teacher.

0:21:120:21:14

See, everybody's woodwork teacher was an alcoholic.

0:21:140:21:20

I remember this guy, our woodwork teacher.

0:21:210:21:25

He would just be sitting at his desk,

0:21:250:21:27

about ten minutes in to the woodwork lesson,

0:21:270:21:30

and he's not even spoke a word. Just sitting there...

0:21:300:21:34

SHUDDERING SIGH

0:21:390:21:42

Then he'd face the class and just say, "Right, kids...

0:21:440:21:49

"Right, children,

0:21:490:21:51

"I've had a tough weekend.

0:21:510:21:53

"I was supposed to go to IKEA

0:21:540:21:58

"but I spent my wages in Oddbins,

0:21:580:22:01

"so one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack!"

0:22:030:22:06

And when you were 12 years old, that was pressure,

0:22:170:22:21

when a middle-aged man's marriage

0:22:210:22:23

depends on your abilities with a tube of glue and a band saw.

0:22:230:22:27

I left school.

0:22:290:22:32

After school, I remember looking for a job.

0:22:320:22:34

Unemployed, in the Jobcentre, first job you see...

0:22:340:22:39

a customer service advisor's assistant.

0:22:390:22:44

You know, one of these jobs that just gets shiter and shiter every word they use.

0:22:460:22:50

It just goes, wah wah waaaahhh...

0:22:520:22:54

It basically means you make the tea for the guy that makes the coffee.

0:22:570:23:01

Everything else is like "experience required"

0:23:070:23:11

and "qualifications needed"

0:23:110:23:14

and I was just a dickhead.

0:23:140:23:16

Just left school, didn't have much of that.

0:23:160:23:19

Last option you've got... you can join the Army.

0:23:190:23:23

You've got the British Army recruitment desk.

0:23:230:23:26

The guy's there, ("Come over here, son.

0:23:260:23:30

("Be the best.")

0:23:320:23:34

And I'm thinking, "Me? Join the Army, be the best?"

0:23:390:23:43

T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications to sell phones.

0:23:430:23:48

Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones,

0:23:510:23:56

and you want to give me a machine gun?

0:23:560:23:59

You don't need to be in the Army these days to get a gun if you're a young person.

0:24:080:24:13

A lot of gun crime on the streets, a lot of caps getting popped.

0:24:130:24:18

I don't really know the solutions, I just know the problems.

0:24:180:24:22

It used to be, in the UK, at 14-years-old you could legally be in possession of an air rifle.

0:24:220:24:30

Whilst it's not a proper gun, it's still sore, right?

0:24:300:24:33

But that got moved to 17 years old, cos you know how 17-year-olds, they're dead responsible.

0:24:330:24:40

If somebody was... pointing a gun at you,

0:24:410:24:44

you'd be going, "That's fine, he looks about 17.

0:24:440:24:47

"He knows what he's doing."

0:24:490:24:52

17-years-old to be in possession of a firearm,

0:24:520:24:55

but you've got to be 18 before you can be in possession of fireworks.

0:24:550:25:00

17 you can shoot somebody dead, but you've got to wait a year before he can frighten the shite out a cat.

0:25:020:25:08

With drugs, I get offered drugs quite a lot in this game.

0:25:140:25:17

You get offered the usual suspects like ecstasy, speed and a drug called horse tranquilliser.

0:25:170:25:25

SHOUTING

0:25:270:25:30

Are you shouting yay or neigh?!

0:25:300:25:32

APPLAUSE

0:25:320:25:35

I can understand people who don't know anything about drugs

0:25:400:25:44

maybe trying ecstasy because it sounds quite good, you know, the connotations of the name ecstasy.

0:25:440:25:51

You think of states of euphoria and happiness.

0:25:510:25:54

And then speed is pretty self-explanatory.

0:25:540:25:58

The horse tranquilliser...

0:25:580:26:00

That hardly sounds the most sociable of evenings!

0:26:040:26:08

The fact they've replaced the original name with the effect it has on a horse!

0:26:120:26:19

I think every drug should be tested, give the lot of them to horses

0:26:190:26:22

then you can see what it actually does to you.

0:26:220:26:25

It would also make the Grand National pretty interesting.

0:26:250:26:28

"20 quid on the one that's break-dancing, please."

0:26:300:26:33

I was watching a programme about children from the opposite end of the social spectrum, a programme

0:26:350:26:42

called My Super Sweet 16. Anybody seen this?

0:26:420:26:45

AUDIENCE: Yes! Whoo!

0:26:450:26:47

Don't get too excited. It's quite shite, right?

0:26:470:26:50

I was watching it about two o'clock in the morning when the TV's quite shite.

0:26:530:26:58

Anybody watch late-night telly?

0:26:580:27:00

You ever been up that late at night when the TV just goes, "Get to bed.

0:27:000:27:03

"There's nothing to see here.

0:27:050:27:08

"Unless you're a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem, beat it."

0:27:080:27:13

Does anybody watch these late-night Channel 5 phone-in quiz shows?

0:27:180:27:22

Anybody seen these, like Quizmania and The Cash Vault?

0:27:220:27:25

It's just robbing drunk people.

0:27:250:27:28

You know, you come in at night, there's some guy going, "OK, everybody.

0:27:320:27:37

"OK! Thanks for watching, OK!

0:27:370:27:40

"For ten thousand pounds, we're looking for a guy's name."

0:27:400:27:46

You come home steaming.

0:27:510:27:53

"I know a guy's name."

0:27:530:27:55

"Ten grand? I know a few guys' names."

0:28:030:28:06

Watching this Super Sweet 16...

0:28:080:28:11

What it is, it's these millionaire parents and they've given their 15

0:28:110:28:15

year old kids a budget to spend on their 16th birthday party.

0:28:150:28:19

This one young guy, his dad gave him £200,000, right,

0:28:190:28:24

as a budget to spend on his 16th birthday party.

0:28:240:28:27

I'm watching this,

0:28:270:28:29

thinking, "If my dad had given me £200,000

0:28:290:28:35

"to spend on my 16th birthday party, I would be dead."

0:28:350:28:40

It would make for a more interesting TV show.

0:28:490:28:53

For your 16th birthday party, you should be grateful for a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20...

0:28:550:29:02

..and a smelly finger.

0:29:050:29:06

Bad time for that hand gesture there, sir.

0:29:180:29:21

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to my time.

0:29:230:29:26

Good night, God bless.

0:29:260:29:28

See you again some time.

0:29:280:29:30

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:300:29:34

Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.

0:29:360:29:39

It's time for our second and final act of the evening.

0:29:440:29:47

You'll have seen him sitting on dozens of panel shows.

0:29:470:29:49

This is actually the first time I've ever seen him standing up.

0:29:490:29:53

Please welcome the fabulous Reginald D Hunter.

0:29:530:29:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:560:29:58

Thank you and good evening.

0:30:150:30:17

Look at y'all, look at y'all. Now, I hope this is going to be good,

0:30:170:30:21

but I don't know because they told me there's a lot of things I can't say.

0:30:210:30:25

We're at the Apollo,

0:30:250:30:27

it's the BBC, there's white people and kids watching, so...

0:30:270:30:32

They say I got to mind what I say.

0:30:350:30:38

I'm going to try but this is the way I talk.

0:30:380:30:41

I'm from the South, I'm from the Deep South, and sometimes the way I talk runs into the way y'all talk.

0:30:430:30:49

I was in this bar right here in London, and I was having a chat with this lady.

0:30:490:30:53

She found out I was a comedian and she goes, "Oh, you're a comedian.

0:30:530:30:56

"Tell me, what do you know about Tommy Cooper?"

0:30:560:30:58

He dead!

0:31:010:31:03

She says, "I must be terribly British and correct your grammar.

0:31:090:31:12

"I think it's, "He DIED"."

0:31:120:31:15

I said, "At first, he died.

0:31:150:31:17

"Now he dead."

0:31:170:31:19

And you know, like I say, I run into the way y'all talk cos British people,

0:31:220:31:28

you all have a lot of subtext and y'all like stuff like irony and sarcasm, tongue in cheek...

0:31:280:31:34

You know, clever ways to be indirect about what you think.

0:31:340:31:39

No, man, sometimes a British person can insult me and it takes me three weeks to figure it out, man!

0:31:390:31:44

I'd be home hoovering one day and I'd be like, "Bastard don't like me!"

0:31:470:31:51

I find sometimes people take themselves too serious.

0:31:590:32:02

Sometime I take myself too serious.

0:32:020:32:04

That's why I have to find a way to like have a little fun, be a little silly.

0:32:040:32:07

Like, I was at a bar the other night, and there was a young lady behind the bar and I said,

0:32:070:32:12

"Excuse me, ma'am, let me get a vodka tonic."

0:32:120:32:14

And she said, "Can you just wait a moment?

0:32:140:32:16

"Just bear with me." And I went "RRRRRR!"

0:32:160:32:19

LAUGHTER

0:32:190:32:24

And she didn't bear!

0:32:270:32:29

How can you ask somebody to bear WITH you and you don't bear?!

0:32:310:32:35

Man, man, man.

0:32:420:32:44

It's like, you know, I've been living here, off and on, for the last 12 years and I'm grateful.

0:32:440:32:50

Grateful. I've learned a lot just...

0:32:500:32:52

You know, when I go back home, back to Georgia, they say I'm too British now.

0:32:520:32:57

They say I'm sarcastic all the time,

0:32:580:33:01

I defend positions I don't even hold...

0:33:010:33:05

I mess with people intellectually just because.

0:33:060:33:10

They get mad at me because of what happened last year.

0:33:100:33:12

Last year I went home, and I thought it would be fun to go for

0:33:120:33:15

a whole day pretending I had never heard of Jesus and just, uh...

0:33:150:33:20

"Who?!"

0:33:240:33:26

"I ain't never heard of him. He sounds like some kind of Mexican superhero. What did he do?"

0:33:260:33:32

And also, too, when I go back home, they ask me questions about England.

0:33:380:33:43

They go, "What's England like? What is the class system? I heard a lot about the English class system.

0:33:430:33:49

"What's the class system?"

0:33:490:33:51

And I have to tell them, the only reason they have a class system is cos they are so crap at racism.

0:33:510:33:57

Um...

0:33:570:33:58

Ginger-haired people... that's not even a race.

0:33:580:34:01

It's not even a race, man. It's open. You can just pick on a ginger-haired person and it's cool.

0:34:030:34:10

Even ginger-haired people are like, "Nope, I'm ginger, got it comin'."

0:34:100:34:14

Man, sometimes I see the way ginger-haired people are treated,

0:34:200:34:24

especially by white people, I feel like walking up to a ginger-haired

0:34:240:34:27

person and going, "Hey, man, come on over here where there's black people. Come on."

0:34:270:34:31

And just the weird stuff y'all say about each other.

0:34:380:34:42

Just, you know, you have Wales, Scotland, people up the road.

0:34:420:34:46

Just weird stuff. I remember when I first got to England, I mentioned to

0:34:460:34:49

some of my English friends that I was going up to Wales to do a gig.

0:34:490:34:53

And I heard a lot about Wales... you know, Diana, Princess of Wales.

0:34:530:34:56

I was excited, "Yeah, man, I'm going up to Wales to do some gigs."

0:34:560:34:59

And without thinking, all of my English friends, they were like, "They shag sheep."

0:34:590:35:03

I said, "They what?"

0:35:110:35:14

"They shag sheep, mate. You better watch out. They shag sheep."

0:35:160:35:19

And they said it with so much authority and so much conviction,

0:35:190:35:23

I was like, "Well, is the Government doing anything about it?"

0:35:230:35:26

But it took me a few years to realise that that's just something y'all like to say.

0:35:350:35:39

Crazy, man.

0:35:440:35:46

And I go back home, man, just... I like it here in a way because

0:35:460:35:50

you have the ability to hold the opposite view.

0:35:500:35:54

You know, like the higher universities in this country,

0:35:540:35:57

they teach people how to think the opposite way.

0:35:570:36:00

Even people who are not highly educated, they do it,

0:36:000:36:03

it's called taking the piss.

0:36:030:36:05

And y'all take the piss out of everything. You take the piss out the Queen,

0:36:050:36:09

you take it out of yourselves, you take the piss out the Government.

0:36:090:36:11

You even take the piss out your friends.

0:36:110:36:13

That's the same people that go, "Yep, this is my mate Barry.

0:36:130:36:17

"Bit of a twat."

0:36:170:36:19

That's your friend!

0:36:260:36:28

And when I go back to America, man, we're not good at taking the piss out of ourselves.

0:36:380:36:42

We're a younger country. We haven't learned that skill yet.

0:36:420:36:45

That's a very advanced thing y'all do. We ain't worked it out yet.

0:36:450:36:48

You know, in America, we're used to feeling one emotion

0:36:480:36:52

at a time, you know?

0:36:520:36:54

We get mixed up like that.

0:36:540:36:55

In America too, we love catchphrases, we love slogans.

0:36:550:37:00

You know, we love stuff like that and we've found a way

0:37:000:37:03

for justification to sound like empowerment.

0:37:030:37:07

That's right. We have phrases like, "Be true to yourself,

0:37:070:37:11

"follow your heart,

0:37:110:37:13

"follow your dream!"

0:37:130:37:16

There was a movie a few years ago called Batman Begins and it had one

0:37:160:37:19

of them catchphrases and Americans loved it.

0:37:190:37:21

"To conquer fear, you must become fear."

0:37:210:37:26

Well, how the hell you do that?

0:37:270:37:29

And it's just a way for Batman to justify being violent.

0:37:320:37:35

I could take that same phrase and justify whatever I want.

0:37:350:37:38

If I gain too much weight, I can justify it by going, "To conquer fat, you must become fat."

0:37:380:37:45

Man, I saw a politician on the news today, an MP, talking about it would

0:37:520:37:57

be good if Tony Blair became president of the European Union because Britain will be in there,

0:37:570:38:02

and how dare anybody in Britain go against that.

0:38:020:38:04

Well, how about the best man for the job?

0:38:040:38:08

How about that? How about that?

0:38:080:38:11

And I know that kind of thinking cos I grew up with that.

0:38:110:38:14

I was always taught that I had to support every black person, no matter what they did,

0:38:140:38:18

so I tried for years really hard to support Don King and Robert Mugabe, and it's hard, it's hard.

0:38:180:38:25

I tried, I tried, I swear to God I tried, man.

0:38:250:38:28

A few years ago, I was watching Wimbledon and Serena Williams

0:38:280:38:31

playing, and I'm not a fan, but I admire her game.

0:38:310:38:35

She got a strong game, and not just the physical but the psychological.

0:38:350:38:39

Every time she hits the ball, she makes this grunt. She's like this...

0:38:390:38:44

"Ugh!"

0:38:440:38:46

And that's a hell of a psyche job to do on your opponent.

0:38:460:38:49

Every time you hit the ball, you release this guttural grunt that's like "Ugh!"

0:38:490:38:54

It's like what you're saying is, "With every fibre of my being, I'm trying to KILL you!"

0:38:540:38:59

"Ugh!"

0:38:590:39:00

Imagine playing somebody in checkers like that.

0:39:010:39:04

"Ugh!"

0:39:040:39:05

A couple of years ago, I was watching Serena Williams playing

0:39:100:39:13

with one of my buddies, a black dude, and she was doing the whole "Ugh!"

0:39:130:39:17

And he leans over and he says, "You know that grunt she does?"

0:39:170:39:20

I said, "Yeah." "What she's actually doing is releasing 200 years of Black-American anger."

0:39:200:39:25

"For real?"

0:39:270:39:30

He said, "Black-American anger is one of the most potent angers in the world, and that's why

0:39:300:39:34

"she hits the ball so hard, and that's why she been whooping them white girls like that."

0:39:340:39:39

I said, "Oh, OK."

0:39:390:39:40

So a couple of weeks later, after this Russian girl beat her, um...

0:39:400:39:45

I couldn't help but mess with my friend a bit.

0:39:470:39:49

I was like, "Wow, 200 years of Black-American anger

0:39:490:39:52

"don't seem to have nothing on 70 years of frustration with Communism, does it?"

0:39:520:39:57

"Black-American anger... ugh!"

0:39:570:40:00

"Try a childhood with no toilet paper... argh!"

0:40:000:40:06

I turned 40 recently and I don't feel bad about that.

0:40:130:40:17

Feel pretty good about it. But I have started doing that inventory that you do when you turn 40 -

0:40:170:40:22

What am I good at? What skills have I developed? What have I learned? And just...

0:40:220:40:27

I can cook a little bit, I can write a decent joke, but that's about it.

0:40:270:40:31

Man, I tell what sent me into an uber dimension of depression was that Austrian dude last year...

0:40:310:40:38

Fritzl, Josef Fritzl.

0:40:380:40:39

Now, I don't know if y'all remember, but there was a dude,

0:40:390:40:42

he held his daughter hostage for 24 years, had seven babies with her

0:40:420:40:46

and kept them locked in a dungeon that he built, and kept it all a secret from his wife.

0:40:460:40:51

Let me ask y'all a question.

0:40:510:40:53

How many of y'all know a man who can build a dungeon?

0:40:530:40:57

I can't do that.

0:41:040:41:06

I got friends who build houses.

0:41:060:41:08

They can't build dungeons.

0:41:080:41:10

And I'm just saying, next to Fritzl, I feel incompetent.

0:41:100:41:14

Cos you always hear about men can't multi-task.

0:41:160:41:19

He pulled that off, and put the morality aside for just a second...

0:41:190:41:23

he pulled that off for 24 straight years.

0:41:230:41:28

I can't do that. I don't have that level of organisational skill.

0:41:280:41:33

If I tried to do that, I know I would get busted the first day.

0:41:330:41:37

Somebody'd be like, "Reggie, where you going with all that wood?"

0:41:370:41:40

And I know I would panic.

0:41:490:41:50

I would just panic. I would just give myself away completely.

0:41:500:41:53

I was talking about Fritzl on stage one night, and this lady got really

0:41:530:41:57

offended, cos sometimes in comedy shows, women see themselves as moral arbiters of society...

0:41:570:42:03

And this lady came up to me and she were mad, and she was going to tell me which way the cold wind blows.

0:42:060:42:11

She was like, "Excuse me, why do you talk about Fritzl?

0:42:110:42:14

"Why? What Fritzl did was evil and you are glorifying evil by making jokes about it.

0:42:140:42:19

"Why? Why do you talk about Fritzl?"

0:42:190:42:22

To conquer Fritzl...

0:42:220:42:25

LAUGHTER

0:42:250:42:27

..you must become Fritzl.

0:42:340:42:37

Thank you. Thank you.

0:42:440:42:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:460:42:48

Reginald D Hunter!

0:42:550:42:58

Tonight, you have seen the brilliant Reginald D Hunter, the fantastic Kevin Bridges.

0:43:030:43:07

I've been Alistair McGowan, this has been Live At The Apollo. Good night!

0:43:070:43:11

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:290:43:32

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:320:43:35

Stand-up comedy from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo. Top impressionist Alistair McGowan introduces guest appearances by young Scottish comedy prodigy Kevin Bridges and acclaimed comic Reginald D Hunter.


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