Stand-up comedy from the world-famous London venue. Alistair McGowan introduces appearances by Scotland's young comedy prodigy Kevin Bridges and the acclaimed Reginald D Hunter.
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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much indeed!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo.
I am Alistair McGowan, yes, indeed. The man who brought you...
IMITATES EACH PERSON: David Beckham, Michael Parkinson and Dot Cotton.
Richard Madeley. Welcome back, welcome back. Terry Wogan,
And Eddie Izzard, woooorrr...
And sometimes Steven Gerrard. E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-erm...
no! ..is back.
Yes, indeed, I'm back. We've got some very famous faces in the audience.
Dominic Littlewood is here, ladies and gentlemen!
Dominic, I've got to say I love the programme, and some friends and I
were sitting around at the weekend and we all agreed that,
for us, TV Burp is one of the highlights of the week!
Love the show!
No, Dominic, of course, you'll all know from The One Show, hosted by Adrian Chiles.
I always think of him as Adrian Child
because he is just like a big kid, isn't he?
No matter who he interviews, whether it's Gordon Strachan, Gordon Brown or Gordon Ramsay,
all you hear is him saying, "What's it like being you, then, eh?
"Is it good being you? Is it good, eh?
"Have you got your own house? Is it a big house?
"How long does your dad let you stay up until? Does he?
"A bit later at weekends, is it? Yeah, yeah.
"Hey, how far you been with a lady?
"What, inside upstairs? You lucky bastard!
"Do you like football? I love football. I've got West Bromwich Albion everything.
"A duvet, towels, I've even got West Bromwich Albion wallpaper.
"Yeah, it looks great but it just won't stay up!"
Craig Revel Horwood is here, from Strictly Come Dancing.
Rachel Stevens is here as well, ladies and gentlemen.
Rachel, you were actually ON Strictly.
Are the judges the same off-camera as they are on-camera?
-Absolutely the same?
I've always wondered, do the judges take themselves home with them
to the house, to the bedroom even?
when Craig Revel Horwood has sex, afterwards, does he have to give a critique on it?
Is he there saying things like,
"Well, for me, it was messy, actually."
"Your legs were bent, um...
"It got better and better and, by the end,
"I have to say I didn't want it to stop, actually."
-That would be funny!
-That would be funny?
We're working together well as a double act, me and Craig. I'll be on that panel before you know it.
I love Bruno. I'm sure you love him, on the programme.
I wish sometimes I could be more like Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing.
Cos he's so expressive, you know.
Recently, I had a piano delivered to my second-floor flat.
These two blokes, they struggled up flights of stairs, round corners.
It took them an hour and a half, and all I could say at the end was,
in my very English way, "Thanks, guys, really appreciate it."
I just wished I'd been Bruno Tonioli cos then I would've said,
"Brian and Roger is Fred and Ginger for me tonight!
"Moving a piano is not easy.
"You have to go on and off, lift and back into hold.
"You did that effortlessly.
"For me, ten out of ten!"
So, Rachel, are you friends with other musicians?
Are you friends with people like Gary Barlow?
-I know Gary, yeah.
-Yeah, you know Gary?
I worry about Gary Barlow. Whenever I hear him talking, I'm thinking,
"Gary, if you're going to start talking any more slowly than what you do at the moment..."
Cos he does talk quite slowly. "Eh, tell you what. Know what I mean?
I thought, "Hang on, Gary, if you start to talk any more slowly,
"you're going to turn before you know it
"into Dave off the Royle Family, aren't you, Barbara?"
Jason Isaacs and Fay Ripley are in here tonight.
Jason, of course, a big football fan.
Who do you support?
-Liverpool. Are you sorry?
CHEERING AND BOOING
One of their former players, Michael Owen,
wrote his autobiography at the age of 19.
He was 19, ladies and gentlemen, when he wrote his autobiography.
I read it. It was 350 pages long. He could've condensed it to a paragraph.
All he needed to write was, "I was born in Chester in 1980,
"started to play football at the age of two, was quite good at it.
"Erm, went to big school...
"..played some more football. Er, was really good at it.
"Played football for Liverpool Boys, was really, really good at it.
"Played football for Liverpool, was brilliant.
"Played football for England. That'll be £19.95, please."
But of course, nobody is talking about Michael Owen for the World Cup squad in 2010.
We've qualified. Fabio Capello, didn't he do a great job as manager?
It almost depressed me that Fabio made such a difference as England manager from the start,
because when he took over, he could barely speak any English.
I thought, how many words do you need to be a successful manager of the English team?
About ten, it seemed in Fabio's case.
Errr...happy... HE LAUGHS
His native country Italy were the last winners of the World Cup back in 2006.
You may know the statistics.
Nine months after that, there was a huge rise in the birth rate in Italy.
That is how the Italians celebrated winning the World Cup.
Fantastic. When England won the World Cup in 1966,
there was a power surge when everyone made themselves a cup of tea.
They do things better abroad, don't they?
Ronnie Ancona is here, from The Big Impression!
It sounds very Italian, but Ronnie was brought up in Scotland.
-When was the last time you went back to Scotland?
I was back in Scotland very recently. I have to say it has changed a lot.
For a start, they all have Italian sandwich bars everywhere, which is fantastic.
The Italian breads are wonderful
but also you get hear Scottish people saying, "Can I have a ciaba'a?"
In Scotland, they have millionaire's shortbread.
Down here of course, we just call that a caramel slice.
In Scotland, it's a millionaire's shortbread.
I was talking to Andy Parsons from Mock The Week about this,
and he said, "Obviously, in Scotland,
"they thought only a millionaire could afford to put chocolate
"and caramel on top of a piece of shortbread biscuit.
"What must they make of a banoffee pie?"
So we've got some big names in tonight.
Some sadly couldn't make it tonight.
They left messages on my machine before the show.
Rowan Atkinson cancelled at the last minute.
He said, "The chances of me...
"..sitting in the audience at Live At The Apollo,
"are about as high as the ankle socks on a particularly small beetle,
"who's standing in a ditch."
I took that as a no.
We were hoping Jo Brand would be here but she's busy.
She's always busy. Very recently, she was on Question Time.
She was brilliant. Sadly, she wasn't on with Nick Griffin.
That would've been interesting.
AS JO BRAND: Um, if I was leader of the Labour Party...
I thank you. Um, no, um...
if I was leader of the Labour Party,
how would I get rid of the threat posed by Nick Griffin?
Um, well, I think I'd probably eat the bastard!
We hoped the Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert...
We hoped he'd be here, but he couldn't make it.
"I'm busy, I've got a meeting. I'm meeting an American producer."
"But Americans, they confuse me, they confuse me.
"When I meet Americans, they always say to me, 'What's up?'
"I want to say, 'Why should something be up?
"'Do I look like something is up? Nothing is bloody up!
"'Will you stop asking me what's up? I'm from Wales.
"'Most things in Wales are bloody down, all right?!'"
So many programmes on Channel 4 and ITV seem never to actually start.
They just seem to be a trailer for a programme that never begins,
particularly anything hosted by Gok Wan, you know?
You'll hear him say, "Hello, welcome to How To Look Good Naked.
"Coming up in part one, I'll remind you of the basic idea of the show for the umpteenth time,
"and showing you what's coming up in part two.
"In part two, we'll be looking back at what we did in part one and looking ahead to part three.
"In part three, we'll be looking back at what we did and looking ahead to what's coming up,
"and in part four we'll be looking back at what we did, looking ahead to what we're doing next week,
"and we'll show you five minutes of footage of someone looking a bit better now than they did,
"but I still wouldn't go anywhere near them with a bargepole, girlfriend!"
I worry that if I ever met Gok, I'd call him Cok by mistake.
Do you worry about that?
People get very upset on his show. They cry. Men and women, they cry.
It's all right though now for men to cry in public, generally.
But one thing you will never see an upset man doing...
You will never see an upset man going...
"I'll be all right in a minute. I'll be all right.
"I shouldn't have started talking about it." Why do you do that, girls?
What is going on there?
Are you trying to waft the tears back into your eyes?
Seriously, girls, if you could blow fluids back inside the body,
do you not think you'd see men outside pubs on a Friday night going...
Makes no sense at all to me.
But people cry. They cry at the end of X Factor as well, don't they?
Particularly because the judges on those programmes are very mean to the contestants.
I often wonder, what would Louis Walsh say
if Louis Walsh walked into the room?
What would Simon Cowell say if Simon Cowell walked into the room?
Louis Walsh, imagine that.
"Well, I gotta say, you know, looking at you, you've got no style,
"you've got no image, you're just grey.
"You know, grey hair, grey eyes, grey face. You're like a ghost, you know.
"I mean, if we were casting the new Casper the friendly ghost, we might be interested, you know?
"But I doubt it because your speech is terrible.
"You've got this shooshy S thing going on there.
"You don't finish half your words or half your sentences,
"and when you breathe, you breathe like a tired old dog."
HE PANTS HEAVILY
"For me, Louis, it's a no."
Simon... "Well, look, tell you what.
"Simon, is it? You know, I'm looking at you
"thinking I don't know who or what you are.
"I mean, you know, are you gay or straight, um...
"Why do you sound like a bored Tony Blair? I don't get it, you know.
"You have no discernable talent. You're just sort of there, talking.
"I mean, really, you are the most unskilled, rudest, worst-dressed
"multi-millionaire TV star the world has ever seen. I'm sorry, but you are. Bye-bye."
Sorry about that.
A better comedian like Stewart Lee would have made something of that.
"I'm now going to get some water,
"and he'd have done it on-camera and improvised something about how embarrassing it was
"to have to get water during an act,
"and everyone would've laughed and it would've been really funny, but...
"I'm not that comic, so what can I say?
"Now I've made it worse for myself by doing an impression of someone that most of you don't even know."
But I cannot find a radio station that I like any more, can you?
I tried Radio 2. Radio 2, you cannot find great music and a great presenter at the same time, can you?
The man I cannot listen to on Radio 2 at all is Ken Bruce.
It's the sound of his voice.
AS KEN BRUCE: For me, Ken Bruce is the sound of grey, wet,
empty mornings in the countryside seen through uPVC windows.
Ken Bruce is the sound of furry slippers and swirly carpets.
Ken Bruce is the sound of a huge pile of ironing
that you know will never get done.
Ken Bruce is the sound of a poor man's Terry Wogan
crossed with a poor man's Ronnie Corbett.
Can't be doing... I switched to the local radio.
I tried Capital Radio, Johnny Vaughan in the mornings. He's so energetic though.
It's too much. He's always doing these competitions.
Recently he said, "So we wanted you to come up with a slogan
"for every nation's national lottery.
"The winner was Chas in Chalk Farm who said
"the slogan for the Eskimo lottery should be,
"you've got to be Inuit to winuit."
"I love that. I love that."
I found Radio 4 but then they changed their announcer, Brian Perkins.
You will know his voice.
Brian Perkins used to do the news, the shipping forecast.
They got rid of him, now he's doing talking Mills and Boon books.
I took one out of the library. It was a great listen.
"Sandra lay sprawled across the bed.
"Seth entered the room and looked at her naked reclining body.
"Standing over her, he felt like a conquering Viking,
"Forties, Cromarty, Forth, North Utsire, South Utsire,
"..possibly three or four later if he's lucky. Generally good!"
I love the silly season in the summer on the news.
There were some great stories this year.
Did you hear when Huw Edwards said, "The presenter of Channel 4's How To Look Good Naked programme
"has had his kitchen broken into and ransacked.
"Yes, Gok Wan's wok's gone."
I love stories like that. Then there was the story that the weather people had lied to us.
Carol Kirkwood, you should be ashamed of yourself!
In the summer, we were told the weather men had lied.
They'd said we'd have a good summer to make us feel good,
knowing it wouldn't be that great. Naughty Carol.
But we should not be surprised. We know they lie to us.
Even my favourite weather forecaster Daniel Corbett lies in the winter.
You know Daniel Corbett?
He says things like, "This weather system here is going to clear away, there it goes.
"Another system comes down. Look, here comes his friend. Hello, system's friend.
"Look at all these systems converging, converging. Look at my hands.
"Am I a failed ballerina or just a little bit special? You decide.
"I turn to the side, I disappear, I'm a head on a stick. That's your weather for now."
You know Daniel.
Even Daniel lies in the winter.
He talks about this thing called "wind chill".
He'll say things like, "So temperatures,
"about ten degrees when this weather system clears away.
"It's a strong wind as well, and with that wind chill, it's going to feel more like minus two."
Hang on a minute, Daniel. If it's going to FEEL like minus two, surely it IS minus two, isn't it?
They don't use this applied maths in other areas of the media.
You never heard Moira Stuart on the news say,
"The Government have announced that the unemployed figures have now risen to 2.4 million
"but it's going to feel more like 7."
You never hear Gary Lineker on Match Of The Day saying,
"Liverpool are seven points behind Manchester United but it's going to feel more like 18."
Anyway, that's enough from me.
Time to introduce our first act of the night.
A young man who shot to fame on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow, here he is now Live At The Apollo.
Please welcome Kevin Bridges!
Thank you, hello!
The Apollo, eh?
It's good to be here in London.
Have we got any other Scottish people in the room?
Up on the top deck? Good stuff.
That's where we keep them. I love Scottish people...
in London. I love speaking to Scottish people in London.
They don't want to tell you about any of the sights or tourist attractions.
They don't want to talk about any shows they've seen.
They just say, "Guess how much...
"Guess how much we paid for two drinks. Have a guess.
"Two drinks, guess how much."
You know when somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid,"
in an irate tone, social etiquette is to aim kind of low
so they can have their little moment of shocking you.
Now what I've done, I now aim high,
kill the conversation stone dead.
Next time somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid for two drinks,"
just say, "I don't know. How much? 40 quid?"
"It wasn't quite as much as that.
"We thought it was quite expensive, but it sounds as if...
"sounds as if we got a bargain."
The BNP have been in the papers recently.
I've seen a bit of racist graffiti that sums up the whole thing.
It was on a kind of deprived housing area.
On a newsagent, somebody spray-painted "BNP",
and below the BNP, they drew a swastika, right?
Now, beside this swastika were a couple of unsuccessful attempts at drawing a swastika.
They'd obviously misjudged the complexity of the operation.
Rather than paint over the failed attempts, they left them there.
They must've thought you get some form of credit for showing your working.
I was reading the Government plans to provide musical instruments
to children, young people from deprived areas, you know,
cos that'll solve their problems...
"What's up, son? Your mum's a crack addict,
"your dad's in jail.
"Don't worry, have a glockenspiel."
"Oh, cheers, mate. Thank you.
"Everything's fine. # A, B, C, D, E, F, G... #"
A lot of fond memories of growing up...
..in the good old days.
I liked school. My favourite class at school was woodwork.
Remember craft and design?
I never actually liked the subject.
I liked the teacher.
See, everybody's woodwork teacher was an alcoholic.
I remember this guy, our woodwork teacher.
He would just be sitting at his desk,
about ten minutes in to the woodwork lesson,
and he's not even spoke a word. Just sitting there...
Then he'd face the class and just say, "Right, kids...
"I've had a tough weekend.
"I was supposed to go to IKEA
"but I spent my wages in Oddbins,
"so one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack!"
And when you were 12 years old, that was pressure,
when a middle-aged man's marriage
depends on your abilities with a tube of glue and a band saw.
I left school.
After school, I remember looking for a job.
Unemployed, in the Jobcentre, first job you see...
a customer service advisor's assistant.
You know, one of these jobs that just gets shiter and shiter every word they use.
It just goes, wah wah waaaahhh...
It basically means you make the tea for the guy that makes the coffee.
Everything else is like "experience required"
and "qualifications needed"
and I was just a dickhead.
Just left school, didn't have much of that.
Last option you've got... you can join the Army.
You've got the British Army recruitment desk.
The guy's there, ("Come over here, son.
("Be the best.")
And I'm thinking, "Me? Join the Army, be the best?"
T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications to sell phones.
Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones,
and you want to give me a machine gun?
You don't need to be in the Army these days to get a gun if you're a young person.
A lot of gun crime on the streets, a lot of caps getting popped.
I don't really know the solutions, I just know the problems.
It used to be, in the UK, at 14-years-old you could legally be in possession of an air rifle.
Whilst it's not a proper gun, it's still sore, right?
But that got moved to 17 years old, cos you know how 17-year-olds, they're dead responsible.
If somebody was... pointing a gun at you,
you'd be going, "That's fine, he looks about 17.
"He knows what he's doing."
17-years-old to be in possession of a firearm,
but you've got to be 18 before you can be in possession of fireworks.
17 you can shoot somebody dead, but you've got to wait a year before he can frighten the shite out a cat.
With drugs, I get offered drugs quite a lot in this game.
You get offered the usual suspects like ecstasy, speed and a drug called horse tranquilliser.
Are you shouting yay or neigh?!
I can understand people who don't know anything about drugs
maybe trying ecstasy because it sounds quite good, you know, the connotations of the name ecstasy.
You think of states of euphoria and happiness.
And then speed is pretty self-explanatory.
The horse tranquilliser...
That hardly sounds the most sociable of evenings!
The fact they've replaced the original name with the effect it has on a horse!
I think every drug should be tested, give the lot of them to horses
then you can see what it actually does to you.
It would also make the Grand National pretty interesting.
"20 quid on the one that's break-dancing, please."
I was watching a programme about children from the opposite end of the social spectrum, a programme
called My Super Sweet 16. Anybody seen this?
AUDIENCE: Yes! Whoo!
Don't get too excited. It's quite shite, right?
I was watching it about two o'clock in the morning when the TV's quite shite.
Anybody watch late-night telly?
You ever been up that late at night when the TV just goes, "Get to bed.
"There's nothing to see here.
"Unless you're a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem, beat it."
Does anybody watch these late-night Channel 5 phone-in quiz shows?
Anybody seen these, like Quizmania and The Cash Vault?
It's just robbing drunk people.
You know, you come in at night, there's some guy going, "OK, everybody.
"OK! Thanks for watching, OK!
"For ten thousand pounds, we're looking for a guy's name."
You come home steaming.
"I know a guy's name."
"Ten grand? I know a few guys' names."
Watching this Super Sweet 16...
What it is, it's these millionaire parents and they've given their 15
year old kids a budget to spend on their 16th birthday party.
This one young guy, his dad gave him £200,000, right,
as a budget to spend on his 16th birthday party.
I'm watching this,
thinking, "If my dad had given me £200,000
"to spend on my 16th birthday party, I would be dead."
It would make for a more interesting TV show.
For your 16th birthday party, you should be grateful for a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20...
..and a smelly finger.
Bad time for that hand gesture there, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to my time.
Good night, God bless.
See you again some time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.
It's time for our second and final act of the evening.
You'll have seen him sitting on dozens of panel shows.
This is actually the first time I've ever seen him standing up.
Please welcome the fabulous Reginald D Hunter.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you and good evening.
Look at y'all, look at y'all. Now, I hope this is going to be good,
but I don't know because they told me there's a lot of things I can't say.
We're at the Apollo,
it's the BBC, there's white people and kids watching, so...
They say I got to mind what I say.
I'm going to try but this is the way I talk.
I'm from the South, I'm from the Deep South, and sometimes the way I talk runs into the way y'all talk.
I was in this bar right here in London, and I was having a chat with this lady.
She found out I was a comedian and she goes, "Oh, you're a comedian.
"Tell me, what do you know about Tommy Cooper?"
She says, "I must be terribly British and correct your grammar.
"I think it's, "He DIED"."
I said, "At first, he died.
"Now he dead."
And you know, like I say, I run into the way y'all talk cos British people,
you all have a lot of subtext and y'all like stuff like irony and sarcasm, tongue in cheek...
You know, clever ways to be indirect about what you think.
No, man, sometimes a British person can insult me and it takes me three weeks to figure it out, man!
I'd be home hoovering one day and I'd be like, "Bastard don't like me!"
I find sometimes people take themselves too serious.
Sometime I take myself too serious.
That's why I have to find a way to like have a little fun, be a little silly.
Like, I was at a bar the other night, and there was a young lady behind the bar and I said,
"Excuse me, ma'am, let me get a vodka tonic."
And she said, "Can you just wait a moment?
"Just bear with me." And I went "RRRRRR!"
And she didn't bear!
How can you ask somebody to bear WITH you and you don't bear?!
Man, man, man.
It's like, you know, I've been living here, off and on, for the last 12 years and I'm grateful.
Grateful. I've learned a lot just...
You know, when I go back home, back to Georgia, they say I'm too British now.
They say I'm sarcastic all the time,
I defend positions I don't even hold...
I mess with people intellectually just because.
They get mad at me because of what happened last year.
Last year I went home, and I thought it would be fun to go for
a whole day pretending I had never heard of Jesus and just, uh...
"I ain't never heard of him. He sounds like some kind of Mexican superhero. What did he do?"
And also, too, when I go back home, they ask me questions about England.
They go, "What's England like? What is the class system? I heard a lot about the English class system.
"What's the class system?"
And I have to tell them, the only reason they have a class system is cos they are so crap at racism.
Ginger-haired people... that's not even a race.
It's not even a race, man. It's open. You can just pick on a ginger-haired person and it's cool.
Even ginger-haired people are like, "Nope, I'm ginger, got it comin'."
Man, sometimes I see the way ginger-haired people are treated,
especially by white people, I feel like walking up to a ginger-haired
person and going, "Hey, man, come on over here where there's black people. Come on."
And just the weird stuff y'all say about each other.
Just, you know, you have Wales, Scotland, people up the road.
Just weird stuff. I remember when I first got to England, I mentioned to
some of my English friends that I was going up to Wales to do a gig.
And I heard a lot about Wales... you know, Diana, Princess of Wales.
I was excited, "Yeah, man, I'm going up to Wales to do some gigs."
And without thinking, all of my English friends, they were like, "They shag sheep."
I said, "They what?"
"They shag sheep, mate. You better watch out. They shag sheep."
And they said it with so much authority and so much conviction,
I was like, "Well, is the Government doing anything about it?"
But it took me a few years to realise that that's just something y'all like to say.
And I go back home, man, just... I like it here in a way because
you have the ability to hold the opposite view.
You know, like the higher universities in this country,
they teach people how to think the opposite way.
Even people who are not highly educated, they do it,
it's called taking the piss.
And y'all take the piss out of everything. You take the piss out the Queen,
you take it out of yourselves, you take the piss out the Government.
You even take the piss out your friends.
That's the same people that go, "Yep, this is my mate Barry.
"Bit of a twat."
That's your friend!
And when I go back to America, man, we're not good at taking the piss out of ourselves.
We're a younger country. We haven't learned that skill yet.
That's a very advanced thing y'all do. We ain't worked it out yet.
You know, in America, we're used to feeling one emotion
at a time, you know?
We get mixed up like that.
In America too, we love catchphrases, we love slogans.
You know, we love stuff like that and we've found a way
for justification to sound like empowerment.
That's right. We have phrases like, "Be true to yourself,
"follow your heart,
"follow your dream!"
There was a movie a few years ago called Batman Begins and it had one
of them catchphrases and Americans loved it.
"To conquer fear, you must become fear."
Well, how the hell you do that?
And it's just a way for Batman to justify being violent.
I could take that same phrase and justify whatever I want.
If I gain too much weight, I can justify it by going, "To conquer fat, you must become fat."
Man, I saw a politician on the news today, an MP, talking about it would
be good if Tony Blair became president of the European Union because Britain will be in there,
and how dare anybody in Britain go against that.
Well, how about the best man for the job?
How about that? How about that?
And I know that kind of thinking cos I grew up with that.
I was always taught that I had to support every black person, no matter what they did,
so I tried for years really hard to support Don King and Robert Mugabe, and it's hard, it's hard.
I tried, I tried, I swear to God I tried, man.
A few years ago, I was watching Wimbledon and Serena Williams
playing, and I'm not a fan, but I admire her game.
She got a strong game, and not just the physical but the psychological.
Every time she hits the ball, she makes this grunt. She's like this...
And that's a hell of a psyche job to do on your opponent.
Every time you hit the ball, you release this guttural grunt that's like "Ugh!"
It's like what you're saying is, "With every fibre of my being, I'm trying to KILL you!"
Imagine playing somebody in checkers like that.
A couple of years ago, I was watching Serena Williams playing
with one of my buddies, a black dude, and she was doing the whole "Ugh!"
And he leans over and he says, "You know that grunt she does?"
I said, "Yeah." "What she's actually doing is releasing 200 years of Black-American anger."
He said, "Black-American anger is one of the most potent angers in the world, and that's why
"she hits the ball so hard, and that's why she been whooping them white girls like that."
I said, "Oh, OK."
So a couple of weeks later, after this Russian girl beat her, um...
I couldn't help but mess with my friend a bit.
I was like, "Wow, 200 years of Black-American anger
"don't seem to have nothing on 70 years of frustration with Communism, does it?"
"Black-American anger... ugh!"
"Try a childhood with no toilet paper... argh!"
I turned 40 recently and I don't feel bad about that.
Feel pretty good about it. But I have started doing that inventory that you do when you turn 40 -
What am I good at? What skills have I developed? What have I learned? And just...
I can cook a little bit, I can write a decent joke, but that's about it.
Man, I tell what sent me into an uber dimension of depression was that Austrian dude last year...
Fritzl, Josef Fritzl.
Now, I don't know if y'all remember, but there was a dude,
he held his daughter hostage for 24 years, had seven babies with her
and kept them locked in a dungeon that he built, and kept it all a secret from his wife.
Let me ask y'all a question.
How many of y'all know a man who can build a dungeon?
I can't do that.
I got friends who build houses.
They can't build dungeons.
And I'm just saying, next to Fritzl, I feel incompetent.
Cos you always hear about men can't multi-task.
He pulled that off, and put the morality aside for just a second...
he pulled that off for 24 straight years.
I can't do that. I don't have that level of organisational skill.
If I tried to do that, I know I would get busted the first day.
Somebody'd be like, "Reggie, where you going with all that wood?"
And I know I would panic.
I would just panic. I would just give myself away completely.
I was talking about Fritzl on stage one night, and this lady got really
offended, cos sometimes in comedy shows, women see themselves as moral arbiters of society...
And this lady came up to me and she were mad, and she was going to tell me which way the cold wind blows.
She was like, "Excuse me, why do you talk about Fritzl?
"Why? What Fritzl did was evil and you are glorifying evil by making jokes about it.
"Why? Why do you talk about Fritzl?"
To conquer Fritzl...
..you must become Fritzl.
Thank you. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Reginald D Hunter!
Tonight, you have seen the brilliant Reginald D Hunter, the fantastic Kevin Bridges.
I've been Alistair McGowan, this has been Live At The Apollo. Good night!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Stand-up comedy from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo. Top impressionist Alistair McGowan introduces guest appearances by young Scottish comedy prodigy Kevin Bridges and acclaimed comic Reginald D Hunter.