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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, | 0:00:18 | 0:00:22 | |
Alistair McGowan! | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
Thank you very much indeed! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
I am Alistair McGowan, yes, indeed. The man who brought you... | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
IMITATES EACH PERSON: David Beckham, Michael Parkinson and Dot Cotton. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:52 | |
Richard Madeley. Welcome back, welcome back. Terry Wogan, | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
David Schwimmer...hey! | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
And Eddie Izzard, woooorrr... | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
And sometimes Steven Gerrard. E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-erm... | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
no! ..is back. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
Yes, indeed, I'm back. We've got some very famous faces in the audience. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
Dominic Littlewood is here, ladies and gentlemen! | 0:01:12 | 0:01:17 | |
Dominic, I've got to say I love the programme, and some friends and I | 0:01:17 | 0:01:23 | |
were sitting around at the weekend and we all agreed that, | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
for us, TV Burp is one of the highlights of the week! | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
Love the show! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:31 | |
No, Dominic, of course, you'll all know from The One Show, hosted by Adrian Chiles. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:36 | |
I always think of him as Adrian Child | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
because he is just like a big kid, isn't he? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
No matter who he interviews, whether it's Gordon Strachan, Gordon Brown or Gordon Ramsay, | 0:01:40 | 0:01:45 | |
all you hear is him saying, "What's it like being you, then, eh? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
"Is it good being you? Is it good, eh? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
"Have you got your own house? Is it a big house? | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
"How long does your dad let you stay up until? Does he? | 0:01:53 | 0:01:57 | |
"A bit later at weekends, is it? Yeah, yeah. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
"Hey, how far you been with a lady? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
"What, inside upstairs? You lucky bastard! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
"Do you like football? I love football. I've got West Bromwich Albion everything. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:08 | |
"A duvet, towels, I've even got West Bromwich Albion wallpaper. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
"Yeah, it looks great but it just won't stay up!" | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:17 | |
Oh, yes! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
Craig Revel Horwood is here, from Strictly Come Dancing. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
Rachel Stevens is here as well, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
Rachel, you were actually ON Strictly. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
Are the judges the same off-camera as they are on-camera? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
-Absolutely, yes. -Absolutely the same? -Yeah. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
I've always wondered, do the judges take themselves home with them | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
to the house, to the bedroom even? | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
when Craig Revel Horwood has sex, afterwards, does he have to give a critique on it? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
Is he there saying things like, | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
"Well, for me, it was messy, actually." | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
"Your legs were bent, um... | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
"It got better and better and, by the end, | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
"I have to say I didn't want it to stop, actually." | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
-That would be funny! -That would be funny? | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
We're working together well as a double act, me and Craig. I'll be on that panel before you know it. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:16 | |
I love Bruno. I'm sure you love him, on the programme. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
I wish sometimes I could be more like Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:24 | |
Cos he's so expressive, you know. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Recently, I had a piano delivered to my second-floor flat. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
These two blokes, they struggled up flights of stairs, round corners. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:33 | |
It took them an hour and a half, and all I could say at the end was, | 0:03:33 | 0:03:37 | |
in my very English way, "Thanks, guys, really appreciate it." | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
I just wished I'd been Bruno Tonioli cos then I would've said, | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
"Brian and Roger is Fred and Ginger for me tonight! | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
"Moving a piano is not easy. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
"You have to go on and off, lift and back into hold. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
"You did that effortlessly. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:53 | |
"For me, ten out of ten!" | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
So, Rachel, are you friends with other musicians? | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
Are you friends with people like Gary Barlow? | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
-I know Gary, yeah. -Yeah, you know Gary? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
I worry about Gary Barlow. Whenever I hear him talking, I'm thinking, | 0:04:09 | 0:04:13 | |
"Gary, if you're going to start talking any more slowly than what you do at the moment..." | 0:04:13 | 0:04:18 | |
Cos he does talk quite slowly. "Eh, tell you what. Know what I mean? | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
I thought, "Hang on, Gary, if you start to talk any more slowly, | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
"you're going to turn before you know it | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
"into Dave off the Royle Family, aren't you, Barbara?" | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
Jason Isaacs and Fay Ripley are in here tonight. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Jason, of course, a big football fan. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Who do you support? | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
-Liverpool. -Liverpool. Are you sorry? | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
CHEERING AND BOOING | 0:04:46 | 0:04:50 | |
One of their former players, Michael Owen, | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
wrote his autobiography at the age of 19. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
He was 19, ladies and gentlemen, when he wrote his autobiography. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
I read it. It was 350 pages long. He could've condensed it to a paragraph. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:04 | |
All he needed to write was, "I was born in Chester in 1980, | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
"started to play football at the age of two, was quite good at it. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:12 | |
"Erm, went to big school... | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
"..played some more football. Er, was really good at it. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
"Played football for Liverpool Boys, was really, really good at it. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
"Played football for Liverpool, was brilliant. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
"Played football for England. That'll be £19.95, please." | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
But of course, nobody is talking about Michael Owen for the World Cup squad in 2010. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
We've qualified. Fabio Capello, didn't he do a great job as manager? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:40 | |
It almost depressed me that Fabio made such a difference as England manager from the start, | 0:05:40 | 0:05:45 | |
because when he took over, he could barely speak any English. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
I thought, how many words do you need to be a successful manager of the English team? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:53 | |
About ten, it seemed in Fabio's case. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
Errr...yes. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Errrr....no. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
Errrrr...good. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
Errrrr...bad. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Errr...happy... HE LAUGHS | 0:06:04 | 0:06:09 | |
..is me. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
Errr....you. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
Errrr....ball. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
Errrr....goal. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Errr...money. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
His native country Italy were the last winners of the World Cup back in 2006. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
You may know the statistics. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Nine months after that, there was a huge rise in the birth rate in Italy. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
That is how the Italians celebrated winning the World Cup. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:41 | |
Fantastic. When England won the World Cup in 1966, | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
there was a power surge when everyone made themselves a cup of tea. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
They do things better abroad, don't they? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Ronnie Ancona is here, from The Big Impression! | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
It sounds very Italian, but Ronnie was brought up in Scotland. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
-When was the last time you went back to Scotland? -Last year. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
I was back in Scotland very recently. I have to say it has changed a lot. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:09 | |
For a start, they all have Italian sandwich bars everywhere, which is fantastic. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:14 | |
The Italian breads are wonderful | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
but also you get hear Scottish people saying, "Can I have a ciaba'a?" | 0:07:16 | 0:07:20 | |
In Scotland, they have millionaire's shortbread. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
Down here of course, we just call that a caramel slice. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
In Scotland, it's a millionaire's shortbread. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
I was talking to Andy Parsons from Mock The Week about this, | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
and he said, "Obviously, in Scotland, | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
"they thought only a millionaire could afford to put chocolate | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
"and caramel on top of a piece of shortbread biscuit. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:44 | |
"What must they make of a banoffee pie?" | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
So we've got some big names in tonight. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
Some sadly couldn't make it tonight. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
They left messages on my machine before the show. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
Rowan Atkinson cancelled at the last minute. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
He said, "The chances of me... | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
"..sitting in the audience at Live At The Apollo, | 0:08:07 | 0:08:12 | |
"are about as high as the ankle socks on a particularly small beetle, | 0:08:12 | 0:08:17 | |
"who's standing in a ditch." | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
I took that as a no. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
We were hoping Jo Brand would be here but she's busy. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
She's always busy. Very recently, she was on Question Time. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
She was brilliant. Sadly, she wasn't on with Nick Griffin. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
That would've been interesting. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
AS JO BRAND: Um, if I was leader of the Labour Party... | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
I thank you. Um, no, um... | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
if I was leader of the Labour Party, | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
how would I get rid of the threat posed by Nick Griffin? | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Um, well, I think I'd probably eat the bastard! | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
We hoped the Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert... | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
We hoped he'd be here, but he couldn't make it. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
"I'm busy, I've got a meeting. I'm meeting an American producer." | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
"But Americans, they confuse me, they confuse me. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
"When I meet Americans, they always say to me, 'What's up?' | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
"I want to say, 'Why should something be up? | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
"'Do I look like something is up? Nothing is bloody up! | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
"'Will you stop asking me what's up? I'm from Wales. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
"'Most things in Wales are bloody down, all right?!'" | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
So many programmes on Channel 4 and ITV seem never to actually start. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:34 | |
They just seem to be a trailer for a programme that never begins, | 0:09:34 | 0:09:38 | |
particularly anything hosted by Gok Wan, you know? | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
You'll hear him say, "Hello, welcome to How To Look Good Naked. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
"Coming up in part one, I'll remind you of the basic idea of the show for the umpteenth time, | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
"and showing you what's coming up in part two. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
"In part two, we'll be looking back at what we did in part one and looking ahead to part three. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:58 | |
"In part three, we'll be looking back at what we did and looking ahead to what's coming up, | 0:09:58 | 0:10:03 | |
"and in part four we'll be looking back at what we did, looking ahead to what we're doing next week, | 0:10:03 | 0:10:08 | |
"and we'll show you five minutes of footage of someone looking a bit better now than they did, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
"but I still wouldn't go anywhere near them with a bargepole, girlfriend!" | 0:10:12 | 0:10:17 | |
I worry that if I ever met Gok, I'd call him Cok by mistake. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
Do you worry about that? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
People get very upset on his show. They cry. Men and women, they cry. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
It's all right though now for men to cry in public, generally. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
But one thing you will never see an upset man doing... | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
You will never see an upset man going... | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
"I'll be all right in a minute. I'll be all right. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
"I shouldn't have started talking about it." Why do you do that, girls? | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
What is going on there? | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
Are you trying to waft the tears back into your eyes? | 0:10:56 | 0:11:00 | |
Seriously, girls, if you could blow fluids back inside the body, | 0:11:00 | 0:11:04 | |
do you not think you'd see men outside pubs on a Friday night going... | 0:11:04 | 0:11:07 | |
Makes no sense at all to me. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
But people cry. They cry at the end of X Factor as well, don't they? | 0:11:16 | 0:11:20 | |
Particularly because the judges on those programmes are very mean to the contestants. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:25 | |
I often wonder, what would Louis Walsh say | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
if Louis Walsh walked into the room? | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
What would Simon Cowell say if Simon Cowell walked into the room? | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
Louis Walsh, imagine that. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
"Well, I gotta say, you know, looking at you, you've got no style, | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
"you've got no image, you're just grey. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
"You know, grey hair, grey eyes, grey face. You're like a ghost, you know. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
"I mean, if we were casting the new Casper the friendly ghost, we might be interested, you know? | 0:11:44 | 0:11:50 | |
"But I doubt it because your speech is terrible. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
"You've got this shooshy S thing going on there. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
"You don't finish half your words or half your sentences, | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
"and when you breathe, you breathe like a tired old dog." | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
HE PANTS HEAVILY | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
"For me, Louis, it's a no." | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Simon... "Well, look, tell you what. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:18 | |
"Simon, is it? You know, I'm looking at you | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
"thinking I don't know who or what you are. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
"I mean, you know, are you gay or straight, um... | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
"Why do you sound like a bored Tony Blair? I don't get it, you know. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:38 | |
"You have no discernable talent. You're just sort of there, talking. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:42 | |
"I mean, really, you are the most unskilled, rudest, worst-dressed | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
"multi-millionaire TV star the world has ever seen. I'm sorry, but you are. Bye-bye." | 0:12:46 | 0:12:51 | |
Sorry about that. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
A better comedian like Stewart Lee would have made something of that. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:08 | |
"I'm now going to get some water, | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
"and he'd have done it on-camera and improvised something about how embarrassing it was | 0:13:10 | 0:13:15 | |
"to have to get water during an act, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
"and everyone would've laughed and it would've been really funny, but... | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
"I'm not that comic, so what can I say? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
"Now I've made it worse for myself by doing an impression of someone that most of you don't even know." | 0:13:24 | 0:13:30 | |
"Yeah." | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
But I cannot find a radio station that I like any more, can you? | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
I tried Radio 2. Radio 2, you cannot find great music and a great presenter at the same time, can you? | 0:13:41 | 0:13:46 | |
The man I cannot listen to on Radio 2 at all is Ken Bruce. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:50 | |
It's the sound of his voice. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
AS KEN BRUCE: For me, Ken Bruce is the sound of grey, wet, | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
empty mornings in the countryside seen through uPVC windows. | 0:13:55 | 0:14:00 | |
Ken Bruce is the sound of furry slippers and swirly carpets. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
Ken Bruce is the sound of a huge pile of ironing | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
that you know will never get done. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
Ken Bruce is the sound of a poor man's Terry Wogan | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
crossed with a poor man's Ronnie Corbett. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Can't be doing... I switched to the local radio. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
I tried Capital Radio, Johnny Vaughan in the mornings. He's so energetic though. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
It's too much. He's always doing these competitions. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
Recently he said, "So we wanted you to come up with a slogan | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
"for every nation's national lottery. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
"The winner was Chas in Chalk Farm who said | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
"the slogan for the Eskimo lottery should be, | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
"you've got to be Inuit to winuit." | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
"I love that. I love that." | 0:14:40 | 0:14:44 | |
I found Radio 4 but then they changed their announcer, Brian Perkins. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
You will know his voice. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
Brian Perkins used to do the news, the shipping forecast. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
They got rid of him, now he's doing talking Mills and Boon books. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
I took one out of the library. It was a great listen. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
"Sandra lay sprawled across the bed. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
"Seth entered the room and looked at her naked reclining body. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
"Standing over her, he felt like a conquering Viking, | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
"Forties, Cromarty, Forth, North Utsire, South Utsire, | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
"rising slowly... | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
"..possibly three or four later if he's lucky. Generally good!" | 0:15:18 | 0:15:24 | |
I love the silly season in the summer on the news. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
There were some great stories this year. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
Did you hear when Huw Edwards said, "The presenter of Channel 4's How To Look Good Naked programme | 0:15:31 | 0:15:36 | |
"has had his kitchen broken into and ransacked. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
"Yes, Gok Wan's wok's gone." | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
I love stories like that. Then there was the story that the weather people had lied to us. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
Carol Kirkwood, you should be ashamed of yourself! | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
In the summer, we were told the weather men had lied. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
They'd said we'd have a good summer to make us feel good, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
knowing it wouldn't be that great. Naughty Carol. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
But we should not be surprised. We know they lie to us. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
Even my favourite weather forecaster Daniel Corbett lies in the winter. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:08 | |
You know Daniel Corbett? | 0:16:08 | 0:16:09 | |
He says things like, "This weather system here is going to clear away, there it goes. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:14 | |
"Another system comes down. Look, here comes his friend. Hello, system's friend. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
"Look at all these systems converging, converging. Look at my hands. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:23 | |
"Am I a failed ballerina or just a little bit special? You decide. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
"I turn to the side, I disappear, I'm a head on a stick. That's your weather for now." | 0:16:27 | 0:16:32 | |
You know Daniel. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
Even Daniel lies in the winter. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
He talks about this thing called "wind chill". | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
He'll say things like, "So temperatures, | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
"about ten degrees when this weather system clears away. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
"It's a strong wind as well, and with that wind chill, it's going to feel more like minus two." | 0:16:44 | 0:16:49 | |
Hang on a minute, Daniel. If it's going to FEEL like minus two, surely it IS minus two, isn't it? | 0:16:49 | 0:16:55 | |
They don't use this applied maths in other areas of the media. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
You never heard Moira Stuart on the news say, | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
"The Government have announced that the unemployed figures have now risen to 2.4 million | 0:17:00 | 0:17:05 | |
"but it's going to feel more like 7." | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
You never hear Gary Lineker on Match Of The Day saying, | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
"Liverpool are seven points behind Manchester United but it's going to feel more like 18." | 0:17:13 | 0:17:19 | |
Anyway, that's enough from me. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Time to introduce our first act of the night. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
A young man who shot to fame on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow, here he is now Live At The Apollo. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:31 | |
Please welcome Kevin Bridges! | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
Thank you, hello! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
CHEERING | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
The Apollo, eh? | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
It's good to be here in London. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
Have we got any other Scottish people in the room? | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
CHEERING | 0:18:00 | 0:18:01 | |
Up on the top deck? Good stuff. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
That's where we keep them. I love Scottish people... | 0:18:03 | 0:18:07 | |
in London. I love speaking to Scottish people in London. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
They don't want to tell you about any of the sights or tourist attractions. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:15 | |
They don't want to talk about any shows they've seen. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
They just say, "Guess how much... | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
"Guess how much we paid for two drinks. Have a guess. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:28 | |
"Two drinks, guess how much." | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
You know when somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid," | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
in an irate tone, social etiquette is to aim kind of low | 0:18:33 | 0:18:38 | |
so they can have their little moment of shocking you. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:43 | |
Now what I've done, I now aim high, | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
kill the conversation stone dead. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
Next time somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid for two drinks," | 0:18:51 | 0:18:56 | |
just say, "I don't know. How much? 40 quid?" | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
"It wasn't quite as much as that. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
"We thought it was quite expensive, but it sounds as if... | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
"sounds as if we got a bargain." | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
The BNP have been in the papers recently. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:20 | |
I've seen a bit of racist graffiti that sums up the whole thing. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:25 | |
It was on a kind of deprived housing area. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
On a newsagent, somebody spray-painted "BNP", | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
and below the BNP, they drew a swastika, right? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
Now, beside this swastika were a couple of unsuccessful attempts at drawing a swastika. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:42 | |
They'd obviously misjudged the complexity of the operation. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:55 | |
Rather than paint over the failed attempts, they left them there. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
They must've thought you get some form of credit for showing your working. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:05 | |
I was reading the Government plans to provide musical instruments | 0:20:10 | 0:20:16 | |
to children, young people from deprived areas, you know, | 0:20:16 | 0:20:21 | |
cos that'll solve their problems... | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
musical instruments. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
"What's up, son? Your mum's a crack addict, | 0:20:27 | 0:20:31 | |
"your dad's in jail. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
"Don't worry, have a glockenspiel." | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
Problem solved. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
"Oh, cheers, mate. Thank you. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:49 | |
"Everything's fine. # A, B, C, D, E, F, G... #" | 0:20:49 | 0:20:54 | |
A lot of fond memories of growing up... | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
..in the good old days. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
I liked school. My favourite class at school was woodwork. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:08 | |
Remember craft and design? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
I never actually liked the subject. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
I liked the teacher. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
See, everybody's woodwork teacher was an alcoholic. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:20 | |
I remember this guy, our woodwork teacher. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
He would just be sitting at his desk, | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
about ten minutes in to the woodwork lesson, | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
and he's not even spoke a word. Just sitting there... | 0:21:30 | 0:21:34 | |
SHUDDERING SIGH | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
Then he'd face the class and just say, "Right, kids... | 0:21:44 | 0:21:49 | |
"Right, children, | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
"I've had a tough weekend. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
"I was supposed to go to IKEA | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
"but I spent my wages in Oddbins, | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
"so one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack!" | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
And when you were 12 years old, that was pressure, | 0:22:17 | 0:22:21 | |
when a middle-aged man's marriage | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
depends on your abilities with a tube of glue and a band saw. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:27 | |
I left school. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
After school, I remember looking for a job. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
Unemployed, in the Jobcentre, first job you see... | 0:22:34 | 0:22:39 | |
a customer service advisor's assistant. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:44 | |
You know, one of these jobs that just gets shiter and shiter every word they use. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:50 | |
It just goes, wah wah waaaahhh... | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
It basically means you make the tea for the guy that makes the coffee. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:01 | |
Everything else is like "experience required" | 0:23:07 | 0:23:11 | |
and "qualifications needed" | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
and I was just a dickhead. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
Just left school, didn't have much of that. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
Last option you've got... you can join the Army. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
You've got the British Army recruitment desk. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
The guy's there, ("Come over here, son. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:30 | |
("Be the best.") | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
And I'm thinking, "Me? Join the Army, be the best?" | 0:23:39 | 0:23:43 | |
T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications to sell phones. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:48 | |
Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones, | 0:23:51 | 0:23:56 | |
and you want to give me a machine gun? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
You don't need to be in the Army these days to get a gun if you're a young person. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:13 | |
A lot of gun crime on the streets, a lot of caps getting popped. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:18 | |
I don't really know the solutions, I just know the problems. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
It used to be, in the UK, at 14-years-old you could legally be in possession of an air rifle. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:30 | |
Whilst it's not a proper gun, it's still sore, right? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
But that got moved to 17 years old, cos you know how 17-year-olds, they're dead responsible. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:40 | |
If somebody was... pointing a gun at you, | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
you'd be going, "That's fine, he looks about 17. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
"He knows what he's doing." | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
17-years-old to be in possession of a firearm, | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
but you've got to be 18 before you can be in possession of fireworks. | 0:24:55 | 0:25:00 | |
17 you can shoot somebody dead, but you've got to wait a year before he can frighten the shite out a cat. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:08 | |
With drugs, I get offered drugs quite a lot in this game. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
You get offered the usual suspects like ecstasy, speed and a drug called horse tranquilliser. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:25 | |
SHOUTING | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
Are you shouting yay or neigh?! | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
I can understand people who don't know anything about drugs | 0:25:40 | 0:25:44 | |
maybe trying ecstasy because it sounds quite good, you know, the connotations of the name ecstasy. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:51 | |
You think of states of euphoria and happiness. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
And then speed is pretty self-explanatory. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
The horse tranquilliser... | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
That hardly sounds the most sociable of evenings! | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
The fact they've replaced the original name with the effect it has on a horse! | 0:26:12 | 0:26:19 | |
I think every drug should be tested, give the lot of them to horses | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
then you can see what it actually does to you. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
It would also make the Grand National pretty interesting. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
"20 quid on the one that's break-dancing, please." | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
I was watching a programme about children from the opposite end of the social spectrum, a programme | 0:26:35 | 0:26:42 | |
called My Super Sweet 16. Anybody seen this? | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
AUDIENCE: Yes! Whoo! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
Don't get too excited. It's quite shite, right? | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
I was watching it about two o'clock in the morning when the TV's quite shite. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:58 | |
Anybody watch late-night telly? | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
You ever been up that late at night when the TV just goes, "Get to bed. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
"There's nothing to see here. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:08 | |
"Unless you're a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem, beat it." | 0:27:08 | 0:27:13 | |
Does anybody watch these late-night Channel 5 phone-in quiz shows? | 0:27:18 | 0:27:22 | |
Anybody seen these, like Quizmania and The Cash Vault? | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
It's just robbing drunk people. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
You know, you come in at night, there's some guy going, "OK, everybody. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:37 | |
"OK! Thanks for watching, OK! | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
"For ten thousand pounds, we're looking for a guy's name." | 0:27:40 | 0:27:46 | |
You come home steaming. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
"I know a guy's name." | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
"Ten grand? I know a few guys' names." | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
Watching this Super Sweet 16... | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
What it is, it's these millionaire parents and they've given their 15 | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 | |
year old kids a budget to spend on their 16th birthday party. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:19 | |
This one young guy, his dad gave him £200,000, right, | 0:28:19 | 0:28:24 | |
as a budget to spend on his 16th birthday party. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
I'm watching this, | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
thinking, "If my dad had given me £200,000 | 0:28:29 | 0:28:35 | |
"to spend on my 16th birthday party, I would be dead." | 0:28:35 | 0:28:40 | |
It would make for a more interesting TV show. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:53 | |
For your 16th birthday party, you should be grateful for a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20... | 0:28:55 | 0:29:02 | |
..and a smelly finger. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:06 | |
Bad time for that hand gesture there, sir. | 0:29:18 | 0:29:21 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to my time. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:26 | |
Good night, God bless. | 0:29:26 | 0:29:28 | |
See you again some time. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:29:30 | 0:29:34 | |
Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:39 | |
It's time for our second and final act of the evening. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:47 | |
You'll have seen him sitting on dozens of panel shows. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
This is actually the first time I've ever seen him standing up. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:53 | |
Please welcome the fabulous Reginald D Hunter. | 0:29:53 | 0:29:56 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
Thank you and good evening. | 0:30:15 | 0:30:17 | |
Look at y'all, look at y'all. Now, I hope this is going to be good, | 0:30:17 | 0:30:21 | |
but I don't know because they told me there's a lot of things I can't say. | 0:30:21 | 0:30:25 | |
We're at the Apollo, | 0:30:25 | 0:30:27 | |
it's the BBC, there's white people and kids watching, so... | 0:30:27 | 0:30:32 | |
They say I got to mind what I say. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:38 | |
I'm going to try but this is the way I talk. | 0:30:38 | 0:30:41 | |
I'm from the South, I'm from the Deep South, and sometimes the way I talk runs into the way y'all talk. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:49 | |
I was in this bar right here in London, and I was having a chat with this lady. | 0:30:49 | 0:30:53 | |
She found out I was a comedian and she goes, "Oh, you're a comedian. | 0:30:53 | 0:30:56 | |
"Tell me, what do you know about Tommy Cooper?" | 0:30:56 | 0:30:58 | |
He dead! | 0:31:01 | 0:31:03 | |
She says, "I must be terribly British and correct your grammar. | 0:31:09 | 0:31:12 | |
"I think it's, "He DIED"." | 0:31:12 | 0:31:15 | |
I said, "At first, he died. | 0:31:15 | 0:31:17 | |
"Now he dead." | 0:31:17 | 0:31:19 | |
And you know, like I say, I run into the way y'all talk cos British people, | 0:31:22 | 0:31:28 | |
you all have a lot of subtext and y'all like stuff like irony and sarcasm, tongue in cheek... | 0:31:28 | 0:31:34 | |
You know, clever ways to be indirect about what you think. | 0:31:34 | 0:31:39 | |
No, man, sometimes a British person can insult me and it takes me three weeks to figure it out, man! | 0:31:39 | 0:31:44 | |
I'd be home hoovering one day and I'd be like, "Bastard don't like me!" | 0:31:47 | 0:31:51 | |
I find sometimes people take themselves too serious. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:02 | |
Sometime I take myself too serious. | 0:32:02 | 0:32:04 | |
That's why I have to find a way to like have a little fun, be a little silly. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
Like, I was at a bar the other night, and there was a young lady behind the bar and I said, | 0:32:07 | 0:32:12 | |
"Excuse me, ma'am, let me get a vodka tonic." | 0:32:12 | 0:32:14 | |
And she said, "Can you just wait a moment? | 0:32:14 | 0:32:16 | |
"Just bear with me." And I went "RRRRRR!" | 0:32:16 | 0:32:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:19 | 0:32:24 | |
And she didn't bear! | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
How can you ask somebody to bear WITH you and you don't bear?! | 0:32:31 | 0:32:35 | |
Man, man, man. | 0:32:42 | 0:32:44 | |
It's like, you know, I've been living here, off and on, for the last 12 years and I'm grateful. | 0:32:44 | 0:32:50 | |
Grateful. I've learned a lot just... | 0:32:50 | 0:32:52 | |
You know, when I go back home, back to Georgia, they say I'm too British now. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:57 | |
They say I'm sarcastic all the time, | 0:32:58 | 0:33:01 | |
I defend positions I don't even hold... | 0:33:01 | 0:33:05 | |
I mess with people intellectually just because. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:10 | |
They get mad at me because of what happened last year. | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
Last year I went home, and I thought it would be fun to go for | 0:33:12 | 0:33:15 | |
a whole day pretending I had never heard of Jesus and just, uh... | 0:33:15 | 0:33:20 | |
"Who?!" | 0:33:24 | 0:33:26 | |
"I ain't never heard of him. He sounds like some kind of Mexican superhero. What did he do?" | 0:33:26 | 0:33:32 | |
And also, too, when I go back home, they ask me questions about England. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:43 | |
They go, "What's England like? What is the class system? I heard a lot about the English class system. | 0:33:43 | 0:33:49 | |
"What's the class system?" | 0:33:49 | 0:33:51 | |
And I have to tell them, the only reason they have a class system is cos they are so crap at racism. | 0:33:51 | 0:33:57 | |
Um... | 0:33:57 | 0:33:58 | |
Ginger-haired people... that's not even a race. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:01 | |
It's not even a race, man. It's open. You can just pick on a ginger-haired person and it's cool. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:10 | |
Even ginger-haired people are like, "Nope, I'm ginger, got it comin'." | 0:34:10 | 0:34:14 | |
Man, sometimes I see the way ginger-haired people are treated, | 0:34:20 | 0:34:24 | |
especially by white people, I feel like walking up to a ginger-haired | 0:34:24 | 0:34:27 | |
person and going, "Hey, man, come on over here where there's black people. Come on." | 0:34:27 | 0:34:31 | |
And just the weird stuff y'all say about each other. | 0:34:38 | 0:34:42 | |
Just, you know, you have Wales, Scotland, people up the road. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:46 | |
Just weird stuff. I remember when I first got to England, I mentioned to | 0:34:46 | 0:34:49 | |
some of my English friends that I was going up to Wales to do a gig. | 0:34:49 | 0:34:53 | |
And I heard a lot about Wales... you know, Diana, Princess of Wales. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:56 | |
I was excited, "Yeah, man, I'm going up to Wales to do some gigs." | 0:34:56 | 0:34:59 | |
And without thinking, all of my English friends, they were like, "They shag sheep." | 0:34:59 | 0:35:03 | |
I said, "They what?" | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
"They shag sheep, mate. You better watch out. They shag sheep." | 0:35:16 | 0:35:19 | |
And they said it with so much authority and so much conviction, | 0:35:19 | 0:35:23 | |
I was like, "Well, is the Government doing anything about it?" | 0:35:23 | 0:35:26 | |
But it took me a few years to realise that that's just something y'all like to say. | 0:35:35 | 0:35:39 | |
Crazy, man. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:46 | |
And I go back home, man, just... I like it here in a way because | 0:35:46 | 0:35:50 | |
you have the ability to hold the opposite view. | 0:35:50 | 0:35:54 | |
You know, like the higher universities in this country, | 0:35:54 | 0:35:57 | |
they teach people how to think the opposite way. | 0:35:57 | 0:36:00 | |
Even people who are not highly educated, they do it, | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
it's called taking the piss. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:05 | |
And y'all take the piss out of everything. You take the piss out the Queen, | 0:36:05 | 0:36:09 | |
you take it out of yourselves, you take the piss out the Government. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:11 | |
You even take the piss out your friends. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
That's the same people that go, "Yep, this is my mate Barry. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:17 | |
"Bit of a twat." | 0:36:17 | 0:36:19 | |
That's your friend! | 0:36:26 | 0:36:28 | |
And when I go back to America, man, we're not good at taking the piss out of ourselves. | 0:36:38 | 0:36:42 | |
We're a younger country. We haven't learned that skill yet. | 0:36:42 | 0:36:45 | |
That's a very advanced thing y'all do. We ain't worked it out yet. | 0:36:45 | 0:36:48 | |
You know, in America, we're used to feeling one emotion | 0:36:48 | 0:36:52 | |
at a time, you know? | 0:36:52 | 0:36:54 | |
We get mixed up like that. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:55 | |
In America too, we love catchphrases, we love slogans. | 0:36:55 | 0:37:00 | |
You know, we love stuff like that and we've found a way | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
for justification to sound like empowerment. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:07 | |
That's right. We have phrases like, "Be true to yourself, | 0:37:07 | 0:37:11 | |
"follow your heart, | 0:37:11 | 0:37:13 | |
"follow your dream!" | 0:37:13 | 0:37:16 | |
There was a movie a few years ago called Batman Begins and it had one | 0:37:16 | 0:37:19 | |
of them catchphrases and Americans loved it. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
"To conquer fear, you must become fear." | 0:37:21 | 0:37:26 | |
Well, how the hell you do that? | 0:37:27 | 0:37:29 | |
And it's just a way for Batman to justify being violent. | 0:37:32 | 0:37:35 | |
I could take that same phrase and justify whatever I want. | 0:37:35 | 0:37:38 | |
If I gain too much weight, I can justify it by going, "To conquer fat, you must become fat." | 0:37:38 | 0:37:45 | |
Man, I saw a politician on the news today, an MP, talking about it would | 0:37:52 | 0:37:57 | |
be good if Tony Blair became president of the European Union because Britain will be in there, | 0:37:57 | 0:38:02 | |
and how dare anybody in Britain go against that. | 0:38:02 | 0:38:04 | |
Well, how about the best man for the job? | 0:38:04 | 0:38:08 | |
How about that? How about that? | 0:38:08 | 0:38:11 | |
And I know that kind of thinking cos I grew up with that. | 0:38:11 | 0:38:14 | |
I was always taught that I had to support every black person, no matter what they did, | 0:38:14 | 0:38:18 | |
so I tried for years really hard to support Don King and Robert Mugabe, and it's hard, it's hard. | 0:38:18 | 0:38:25 | |
I tried, I tried, I swear to God I tried, man. | 0:38:25 | 0:38:28 | |
A few years ago, I was watching Wimbledon and Serena Williams | 0:38:28 | 0:38:31 | |
playing, and I'm not a fan, but I admire her game. | 0:38:31 | 0:38:35 | |
She got a strong game, and not just the physical but the psychological. | 0:38:35 | 0:38:39 | |
Every time she hits the ball, she makes this grunt. She's like this... | 0:38:39 | 0:38:44 | |
"Ugh!" | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
And that's a hell of a psyche job to do on your opponent. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:49 | |
Every time you hit the ball, you release this guttural grunt that's like "Ugh!" | 0:38:49 | 0:38:54 | |
It's like what you're saying is, "With every fibre of my being, I'm trying to KILL you!" | 0:38:54 | 0:38:59 | |
"Ugh!" | 0:38:59 | 0:39:00 | |
Imagine playing somebody in checkers like that. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:04 | |
"Ugh!" | 0:39:04 | 0:39:05 | |
A couple of years ago, I was watching Serena Williams playing | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
with one of my buddies, a black dude, and she was doing the whole "Ugh!" | 0:39:13 | 0:39:17 | |
And he leans over and he says, "You know that grunt she does?" | 0:39:17 | 0:39:20 | |
I said, "Yeah." "What she's actually doing is releasing 200 years of Black-American anger." | 0:39:20 | 0:39:25 | |
"For real?" | 0:39:27 | 0:39:30 | |
He said, "Black-American anger is one of the most potent angers in the world, and that's why | 0:39:30 | 0:39:34 | |
"she hits the ball so hard, and that's why she been whooping them white girls like that." | 0:39:34 | 0:39:39 | |
I said, "Oh, OK." | 0:39:39 | 0:39:40 | |
So a couple of weeks later, after this Russian girl beat her, um... | 0:39:40 | 0:39:45 | |
I couldn't help but mess with my friend a bit. | 0:39:47 | 0:39:49 | |
I was like, "Wow, 200 years of Black-American anger | 0:39:49 | 0:39:52 | |
"don't seem to have nothing on 70 years of frustration with Communism, does it?" | 0:39:52 | 0:39:57 | |
"Black-American anger... ugh!" | 0:39:57 | 0:40:00 | |
"Try a childhood with no toilet paper... argh!" | 0:40:00 | 0:40:06 | |
I turned 40 recently and I don't feel bad about that. | 0:40:13 | 0:40:17 | |
Feel pretty good about it. But I have started doing that inventory that you do when you turn 40 - | 0:40:17 | 0:40:22 | |
What am I good at? What skills have I developed? What have I learned? And just... | 0:40:22 | 0:40:27 | |
I can cook a little bit, I can write a decent joke, but that's about it. | 0:40:27 | 0:40:31 | |
Man, I tell what sent me into an uber dimension of depression was that Austrian dude last year... | 0:40:31 | 0:40:38 | |
Fritzl, Josef Fritzl. | 0:40:38 | 0:40:39 | |
Now, I don't know if y'all remember, but there was a dude, | 0:40:39 | 0:40:42 | |
he held his daughter hostage for 24 years, had seven babies with her | 0:40:42 | 0:40:46 | |
and kept them locked in a dungeon that he built, and kept it all a secret from his wife. | 0:40:46 | 0:40:51 | |
Let me ask y'all a question. | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
How many of y'all know a man who can build a dungeon? | 0:40:53 | 0:40:57 | |
I can't do that. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:06 | |
I got friends who build houses. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:08 | |
They can't build dungeons. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:10 | |
And I'm just saying, next to Fritzl, I feel incompetent. | 0:41:10 | 0:41:14 | |
Cos you always hear about men can't multi-task. | 0:41:16 | 0:41:19 | |
He pulled that off, and put the morality aside for just a second... | 0:41:19 | 0:41:23 | |
he pulled that off for 24 straight years. | 0:41:23 | 0:41:28 | |
I can't do that. I don't have that level of organisational skill. | 0:41:28 | 0:41:33 | |
If I tried to do that, I know I would get busted the first day. | 0:41:33 | 0:41:37 | |
Somebody'd be like, "Reggie, where you going with all that wood?" | 0:41:37 | 0:41:40 | |
And I know I would panic. | 0:41:49 | 0:41:50 | |
I would just panic. I would just give myself away completely. | 0:41:50 | 0:41:53 | |
I was talking about Fritzl on stage one night, and this lady got really | 0:41:53 | 0:41:57 | |
offended, cos sometimes in comedy shows, women see themselves as moral arbiters of society... | 0:41:57 | 0:42:03 | |
And this lady came up to me and she were mad, and she was going to tell me which way the cold wind blows. | 0:42:06 | 0:42:11 | |
She was like, "Excuse me, why do you talk about Fritzl? | 0:42:11 | 0:42:14 | |
"Why? What Fritzl did was evil and you are glorifying evil by making jokes about it. | 0:42:14 | 0:42:19 | |
"Why? Why do you talk about Fritzl?" | 0:42:19 | 0:42:22 | |
To conquer Fritzl... | 0:42:22 | 0:42:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:42:25 | 0:42:27 | |
..you must become Fritzl. | 0:42:34 | 0:42:37 | |
Thank you. Thank you. | 0:42:44 | 0:42:46 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:46 | 0:42:48 | |
Reginald D Hunter! | 0:42:55 | 0:42:58 | |
Tonight, you have seen the brilliant Reginald D Hunter, the fantastic Kevin Bridges. | 0:43:03 | 0:43:07 | |
I've been Alistair McGowan, this has been Live At The Apollo. Good night! | 0:43:07 | 0:43:11 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:29 | 0:43:32 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:43:32 | 0:43:35 |