Episode 5 Live at the Apollo


Episode 5

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Irish gem Ed Byrne hosts in front of a 3,500-strong audience, with guest appearances from Adam Hills and London's own Gina Yashere.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight...

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Are you all right?

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Thank you, thank you very much.

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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Lovely to be here, my name's Ed, I'll be your host for this evening.

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We have some celebrities in the audience as well. Lembit Opik, how are you, sir?

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Welcome.

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BOOING

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Oh, don't boo.

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Be fair.

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You just couldn't not be here, could you, sir?

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You heard there'd be people, you heard there'd be cameras,

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there might be a chance there'd be some celebrity spare kicking around. You couldn't not be here.

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Lembit Opik, MP, or as I call him Lembit Opik, PM -

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pussy magnet. I have nothing but admiration! You are an incredible man. How do you do it?

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-I don't know.

-Don't give me that "women are attracted to power" bullshit.

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You're a Lib Dem, how do you do it?

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I'm jealous. Purely from a place of jealousy, sir.

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Thank you for being here, anyway.

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Claire Richards from Steps, let's just call you Claire from Steps, bit of fun.

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-You just got married recently, did you not?

-A year ago, yeah.

-You did.

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I just got married recently that's why I wanted to talk to you because I just got married recently

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and the fact that I just wanted to hear what you sound like when you're not miming.

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-When did you get married, how long ago?

-A year ago.

-A year ago, me too, just over a year.

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-Is this your husband here?

-Yeah.

-What's your name, sir?

-Reece.

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Reece, welcome, welcome.

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-And are you enjoying being married?

-It's fantastic.

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Fantastic, wasn't that beautiful Claire, wasn't that lovely?

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It's great when you offer a man a chance to be romantic and he takes it with both hands.

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It's also nice when he messes it up, though, it has to be said.

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I was doing a gig in Wolverhampton and there was a guy in the audience and they'd just got married.

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I asked him in front of his bride if he was enjoying being married.

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It was wonderful. He was winning and then he arsed it.

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You know, are you enjoying being married, he went "Yeah, it's all right." Oh!

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You were doing so well.

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I love it. I think, being married, it's great.

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I don't know if you find this, guys, people confer more respect on your relationship when you're married.

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People are like, "Your girlfriend seems nice,"

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actually that's my wife. "Oh, sorry I won't look at her tits again."

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You suddenly get treated like a grown up.

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People are like, "Are you ready to order, sir?" Actually I'm still waiting for my wife.

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"Perhaps you would like to see the wine list."

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There's loads of things I love about being married - I love the ring,

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I love the title of husband and wife, but I think my favourite thing is,

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and I've only been married just over a year, but I think my favourite thing is,

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since I've been married I haven't had to plan a poxy wedding. That's been great.

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I wake up every morning and go, "Oh, no wedding planning to do today, ain't married life grand?"

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Because Reece, sir, I don't know about you, but I basically spent a year of my life

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arguing about shit I didn't give a shit about. Oh, yeah.

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You have to deal with wedding people as well.

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Wedding people, with the best will in the world, are arseholes.

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People who work in the wedding industry. Also, did you find this?

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Every one of them so determined their corner of the wedding is the most important part

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and they can't all be that important.

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We were being shown around a venue by a guy and he was already annoying me.

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He was showing us around this venue, which we didn't end up at.

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But he said this thing to us. first of all, he said, "Would you be wanting to hire our chandeliers?"

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You're not throwing in the lights for free. Really?

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You want us to pay for something that's going to cost you money to take down.

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So, we are looking at each other, myself and my fiancee, you know we haven't even thought about it,

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let's just say no. They say, "Well, you have to think about it."

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You have to think about whether or not your wedding is adequately reflecting you as a couple.

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I think you need to think about whether or not your face will adequate deflect a frying pan

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because you're annoying us.

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And Captain Violence is going to go down pretty soon.

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It's not that difficult, it's not rocket science.

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It's very simple, really, four simple rules - feed them,

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water them, don't marry a bitch,

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make sure the best man doesn't get his cock out during his speech.

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And if it's an Irish wedding, two out of four will do, really.

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We went to a wedding fair. Did you go to a wedding fair, Claire?

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-You did. Reece, did you go with her? Lots of them. You went to a lot?

-Lots.

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Well done, sir. I only went to the one. You have my greatest admiration.

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You and I understand that, it's a bit like Vietnam.

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You wouldn't understand, you weren't there, man.

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You understand the pain of the wedding fair.

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I went to a wedding fair. Obviously she went as well, I didn't go on my own.

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Very rare you see a man on his own at a wedding fair.

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What a shame she couldn't come she would have loved it here.

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Look, at these mini wedding cakes, aren't they darling?

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I give that marriage two weeks.

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We met some invites people there, who we did not end up using.

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For the simple fact of how much they want to charge us to invite 150 people to a wedding.

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Did you do your own invites or did you have someone do them for you?

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-Someone else did them.

-That's great, Reece, she didn't even know.

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Claire... "I have no idea.

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"I think people just read about it in the press and showed up."

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We had someone do them as well and I don't know how much yours cost, but we were quoted for wedding

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that 150 people were coming to, we got quoted for invites £1,700.

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-Oh!

-I love that sound.

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I love the sound you've just made. I wish the guy was here now to hear you all make that sound.

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Tell them how much you wanted to charge us for invites.

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Tell them.

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Did you hear that, yeah? Did you feel how we nearly got sucked into the stalls by the intake of breath?

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Now, piss off.

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£1,700! Are you high?

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Have you been drinking your own ink?

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That's enough to catch a flight back to planet earth from wherever you live, invite man.

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It's not just the cost either, it's not just the pounds value.

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I can imagine the conversation, particularly between me and my single male friends.

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Me on the phone going, "Yeah, the wedding's on the 5th June, it's in Derbyshire, can you make it?

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"You can? Give us your address so I can send you an invite."

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"Does this not count as an invite?" Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you?

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Here's the problem - the wedding's currently running under budget to the tune of £1,700.

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Did the wedding list as well. That's a curious tradition, the wedding list, isn't it?

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Buy us presents, but don't use your imagination, we'll have none of that.

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We are spoilt children and these are the things we want. Buy us these, please.

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At first I got into the wedding list, I thought it would be quite cool

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having all your friends be Santa Claus.

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You can't have anything you want on a wedding list. Certain things don't go.

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Xbox 360 games don't go on a wedding list. Did you know that?

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They can go on the list, but they'll have mysteriously disappeared from the list

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next time you go to check the list,

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replaced by something called a soup tureen.

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Not 100% sure what a soup tureen even is, to be honest with you,

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but I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a slayer mode.

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We could have anything we wanted and all we asked for was knives, forks, cups, plates, saucers.

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Shit we already had! We've been living together for two and a half years.

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We haven't been eating out of our hands for two and a half years.

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Have some more stew there, love, not too hot this time.

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Seriously, baby, we have got to get married. This is bullshit.

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We already had knives and forks, plates, cups and saucers,

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but now we had to get fancy knives and forks, plates and cups and saucers

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for all the entertaining of foreign dignitaries we are going to be doing now that we are married.

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All of them bastards that didn't want to come to the house when we were living in sin

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for fear it would besmirch their political reputation.

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"Oh, they are married now. OK, break out the Ferrero Rocher."

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Of course your other option in all this madness is to get yourself a wedding planner,

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which is the wedding equivalent of debt consolidation.

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Rather than dealing with various different arseholes with varying levels of arseholery,

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you get yourself one 18 carat stone-cold wanker.

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I'm being a bit mean, but what it comes down to is a wedding planner's job

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is to make sure your wedding is the most expensive thing that ever happens to you.

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Every time they try and juice you for another few hundred here or another couple of hundred there,

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while they are getting kickbacks, every time they try and juice you

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for that bit more, the clarion cry is always, "It's the happiest day of your life.

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"Oh, you don't want to scrimp on the happiest day of your life.

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"You don't want to look back, 'We should have done that differently,'"

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"on the happiest day of your life. Give me your money! The happiest day of your life!"

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All the details are all going to matter on the happiest day of your life.

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And I am thinking, "Surely if there's one day

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"where the little details don't matter, it's the happiest day of your life."

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If there's ever going to be a day where you're just going to let shit slide,

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it's the day you are distracted by how happy you are. It's the happiest day of my life. It's finally here!

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But his tie doesn't match your shoes, right I'm going home.

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It's the happiest day of my life. I've found her.

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I've found the woman I love more than I ever even thought it possible to love another human being

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and I'm standing up in front of the people she likes the best

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and the people she likes the best of the people I know.

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Reece really liked that, Claire. I just want to tell you.

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But it's a happy day! Who cares if somebody had the bad taste

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to put the wrong kind of flowers on the table centres?

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On a really happy day, little details do not matter.

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Case in point. I'm telling you this because it's fact. It helps my argument.

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I am not trying to show off or brag, I'm just telling you this to prove a point.

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13 years ago in Adelaide, Australia

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I had sex with two women at the same time.

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I know I don't strike you as the type, but it happened.

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Here's the thing, though,

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I can't tell you for the life of me what I had for dinner that day.

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I think you get the point there.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Thank you very much.

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Well, folks we have a fantastic show ahead of us.

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We have two brilliant acts I am going to be bringing onto the stage here.

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Are you ready for the first of those two acts?

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AUDIENCE: Yes!

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This guy he is a massive star in his native Australia

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and he's not doing too shabbily over here. I'm sure you've seen him before.

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He's an incredibly funny man and, I can tell you with some authority, one of the nicest men in comedy.

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Will you please put your hands together to welcome on stage the fantastic Mr Adam Hills?

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CHEERING

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Hello, Apollo. I am going to start by saying something you've probably never heard a comedian say before.

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I love Americans.

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AUDIENCE: Boo.

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Thanks for going with me on that.

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I reckon the Americans are the most optimistic people on the planet.

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Only Americans would name their children after personality traits

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they hope they're going to grow up with.

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You see Americans on the street with their kids going, "Oh, Faith,

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"Faith have you seen Hope?'

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"Yes, she's over there with Charity.

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"They are waiting for Honor."

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I'm Australian, can you imagine an Australian guy naming his kids

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the way he hopes they're going to grow up?

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'G'day this is my son Top Bloke.

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"And there's my other son Opening Batsman.

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"And there's my daughter, Big Tits."

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I think only America could have given us an Olympic female swimmer a couple of years ago

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by the name of Misty Hyman.

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If your last name's Hyman, don't call your child an adjective.

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Her parents must have been at the birth going "Our last name's Hyman what shall we call our daughter?"

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"I don't know, how about Misty?" "Won't that be kind of embarrassing?"

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"Well, her brother Rusty doesn't seem to mind."

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"Good thinking, Dick."

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I did a show once and this American woman came up to me afterwards

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and she said, "You know that joke you did about Americans and their names?" Yeah.

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"Well, I'm American."

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Yeah. "And I'm diabetic."

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Right.

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"My name's Candy."

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You know what's great about travelling, it doesn't matter where you go in the world

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music will bond you with anyone. Only age will separate you. I'll give you an example.

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You can tell people that grew up with music in the '70s by doing this, just by seeing who responds to this.

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-# Oh, ohh, ohhh

-Oh, ohh, ohhh. #

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Nice work, a bit of Kung Fu Fighting. There's usually four blokes up at the back at this point going "Ha!"

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And occasionally a woman in the front will go, "De de de de dee dee dee."

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How bad were those lyrics?

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Everybody was kung fu fighting,

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those cats were fast as lightning.

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In fact, it was a little bit frightening.

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They fought with expert timing.

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The last one should have been, "I'm really shit at rhyming."

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'80s people now, this is just for '80s people.

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# Take on me

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# Take on me. #

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OK. Are there any '90s people in the room? Everyone put their hands in front of your face

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as if you are about to clap. This will test '90s people.

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# So no-one told you life was going to be this way

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AUDIENCE CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY

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There was no movement at all from down the front there!

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Do you want me to go back a bit?

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# There she was just a walking down the street singing...

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# Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. #

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Has that just been released here?

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You know what scares me is I'm going to be on stage in about 20 years' time saying

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"You can tell people who grew up in the year 2000 by singing...

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-# Who let the dogs out?

-Woof, woof, woof. #

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Amazing.

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I am a child of the '80s, I grew up in the '80s.

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I loved it because it was an era when you could take a positive musical message to the world.

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I grew up in Australia wearing a shirt that said "Relax".

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"Choose Life." "Don't Worry, Be Happy."

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I grew up in an era when we were told you could not only feed the world,

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but you could let them know it's Christmas time.

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There's more obesity in America than in any country on the planet

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and I reckon I've worked out why. I reckon it's cos in 1984

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a group of British and Irish musicians put out a song that told us all to "feed the world".

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And then a year later a group of American musicians put out a song which said, "We are the world."

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The weirdest thing for me about growing up in the '80s is that everything that I grew up with

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that I thought was cool, now a gay icon.

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All of the good stuff - Abba, gay. Wonder Woman - gay.

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The Village... Who would have thought the Village People were gay?

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It's almost as if the gay community got divorced from the straight community 15 years ago

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and went, "We're leaving and we're taking the good CDs with us."

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We've got Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Kylie Minogue, Duran Duran. You can keep Europe.

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Do you know what I've realised - I'm so gay.

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I love everything that gay men love. You know, except...

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You know, I can never understand why people object to gays in the army.

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There's always someone objecting to gays in the army.

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To me, I've got plenty of gay friends, I've seen them in arguments.

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They should be in the army because when they get mad,

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they can cut you down quicker than any machine gun ever invented.

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You'd have 200 of the enemy coming over the barricades,

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you wouldn't even need bullets, 20 gay guys with megaphones going "Bad shoes." "Who does your hair?"

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"'80s shirt." "Look at you."

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If there were gay guys in the army, Saving Private Ryan would have been a much shorter film.

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There's no way a troop of gay men would have taken three hours to find Matt Damon.

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Ladies and gentlemen it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thanks for being amazing, goodnight.

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Adam Hills, ladies and gentlemen!

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# Adam Hills How I love him

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# How I love him. #

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I told you I'd do it.

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Adam Hills there, fantastic. Did you like that?

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Did you like that, Lembit, are you enjoying yourself, sir?

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Just because you are going to be hanging around here for a couple of hours

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you can't claim the Hammersmith Apollo as a second home.

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-Well, folks we have one more fantastic act to close up the show. Are you ready for that?

-Yes!

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She now lives in LA, where she is doing very, very well over there.

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We are very lucky to have her here tonight on a rare British performance.

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will you please put your hands together, give some love to the very funny Gina Yashere.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hey!

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How we doing, Apollo?

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Good to be here, good to be. Yeah, Ed said I am living in America at the moment.

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I have been there like last couple of years or so.

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I like America, it's cool. Any Americans in?

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-Wooh.

-Oh, there's a few, whoo! Yeah, I like America it's cool.

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You're the clever Americans - you are the ones that have actually travelled outside of America,

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because we know 75% of them have got absolutely no idea

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that there are black people in England, people.

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None, none.

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I get on stage, I start talking and I see their brains explode.

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I start speaking and they are like that, "Oh, my God, oh, my God, Oh, my God.

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"I think it's an Aborigine.

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"Oh, my God."

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Its fun, though, because what I do, I play around with it.

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I tell them any old crap just to see if they believe it, right.

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I told this one woman that I was from an ancient African pygmy tribe...

0:21:300:21:36

..and that when I was 14 I was driven out of the tribe

0:21:380:21:42

because I grew too tall...

0:21:420:21:44

..and that my family sent me to America,

0:21:500:21:53

where I was adopted by Madonna.

0:21:530:21:55

She believed me, people. She believed me.

0:21:590:22:02

I like to play with them, I like to play with them,

0:22:020:22:05

because the accent confuses them and I like to play with the fact

0:22:050:22:08

that the accent confuses them so much.

0:22:080:22:10

For instance, I think I am the only black person...

0:22:100:22:13

In fact I am the only black person in America who is not afraid of the police.

0:22:130:22:18

In fact, I pull them over.

0:22:200:22:23

I did it recently. I was like, "Excuse me, officer,

0:22:230:22:27

"I can't help but notice

0:22:270:22:30

"that you have been following me for 12 miles."

0:22:300:22:35

And the accent confused him.

0:22:350:22:38

He was like that, "I'm sorry, m'am, I thought you were black."

0:22:380:22:43

It's fun. I like to play with their little brains.

0:22:510:22:56

So, the accent comes in handy, comes in very useful.

0:22:560:22:58

Not so useful in the hood, though, I found. Not so useful.

0:22:580:23:02

I'm in LA. I thought, "You know what, I'm going to go and hang with my homies in Compton."

0:23:040:23:09

I've seen Boyz n The Hood, I can do this.

0:23:090:23:12

I went down to Compton. I saw a guy standing on the street corner -

0:23:130:23:17

baggy pants, baseball cap - and I went up to him and I went, "Hey, what's popping, my Negro G unit?"

0:23:170:23:23

Yeah, he took my watch.

0:23:260:23:29

I am not cool in the hood.

0:23:310:23:34

So, I am in America, I am. I do like it. My mum is not going to be visiting me there in America.

0:23:360:23:41

Not because she doesn't want to come, she wants to.

0:23:410:23:44

But my mother has never flown in her life. My mother is Nigerian.

0:23:440:23:49

She came from Nigeria to England by boat.

0:23:490:23:54

Yeah, took her seven weeks to get here.

0:23:570:24:00

And I was like, "Wow, Mum, you went through all of that

0:24:000:24:04

"to live in Bethnal Green? What the hell were you thinking?"

0:24:040:24:07

I always wondered why she never flew because Nigeria did have an airline.

0:24:130:24:20

And then I went back to Nigeria, with Nigeria Airways

0:24:200:24:25

and realised why my mother took a boat.

0:24:250:24:28

Nigeria Airways is shit.

0:24:300:24:34

It makes Easyjet look like Concorde.

0:24:360:24:41

I swear to God this was an announcement on the airline.

0:24:410:24:45

'Ladies and gentlemen,

0:24:450:24:48

"this is your captain speaking.

0:24:480:24:51

"Will all passengers please leave the plane

0:24:520:24:55

"and help give it a push start?"

0:24:550:24:59

They didn't have food service on the plane, didn't have food service.

0:25:070:25:11

They just walked down the aisle with a buffalo.

0:25:110:25:13

Take a piece of the buffalo.

0:25:130:25:15

Take a piece of the buffalo if you want it.

0:25:180:25:20

The ass is juicy, the ass is juicy, take a piece of the ass.

0:25:200:25:26

Take a piece of the ass, the ass is juicy.

0:25:260:25:28

So, that's right, people, I went back to Nigeria,

0:25:340:25:38

went back to Africa to get in touch with my roots. My roots!

0:25:380:25:43

My African roots!

0:25:430:25:45

I discovered that my roots

0:25:450:25:47

are in Bethnal Green.

0:25:470:25:50

Nigeria scared the hell out of me.

0:25:590:26:02

I nearly got robbed there because I was doing the stupid tourist stuff, right.

0:26:040:26:09

I was in a taxi and there was lots of traffic in Lagos

0:26:090:26:13

and I thought, "Wow, look at this traffic, I want to film it."

0:26:130:26:16

So, I put my camcorder outside of the window...

0:26:180:26:21

..and was filming the traffic

0:26:240:26:27

and before I knew it, I was surrounded by area boys.

0:26:270:26:30

These are the local gangsters in Lagos.

0:26:300:26:33

"Give me your camera, we'll kill you. You cannot film us. Give us the camera! Give us the camera!"

0:26:330:26:38

And I was like, "Oi!

0:26:380:26:40

"I'm from Hackney. Get out of here!"

0:26:400:26:42

That's right don't mess with me.

0:26:510:26:54

I kept my camera. Well, they got the camera. I got the tape, though, I got the tape.

0:26:540:27:00

Nigeria, it's a hassle to live there. It's a hard place to live.

0:27:020:27:06

You commit a murder in Nigeria, you will get away with it.

0:27:060:27:13

You will, and I'll tell why -

0:27:130:27:16

because we ain't got no CSI in Nigeria.

0:27:160:27:22

The police turn up at a crime scene and they are like that,

0:27:220:27:24

"OK, there's a dead body, there's a dead body, somebody has been killed.

0:27:240:27:30

"Did you do it?

0:27:480:27:50

"No? Oh, shit.

0:27:540:27:57

"We will never catch the killer."

0:28:000:28:02

You've been fantastic. I'm Gina Yashere, thank you very much.

0:28:040:28:07

Gina Yashere!

0:28:140:28:17

Gina Yashere, ladies and gentlemen. That is our show. Have you had a good time tonight?

0:28:190:28:25

AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:28:250:28:26

Let's her it one more time for Adam Hills and Gina Yashere.

0:28:260:28:31

I've been Ed Byrne, this has been Live At The Apollo. Goodnight!

0:28:310:28:35

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