Episode 4 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight, Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, Live At The Apollo!

Hello. Give us a cheer! Are you well, Hammersmith?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Are you well? Hello, hello. Yes, it's me.

It's me off the telly!

AUDIENCE CHEER

I am the man in the Visit Wales ads.

AUDIENCE CHEER

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY

They're all right, those adverts, aren't they?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-What's wrong with it? Wales is quite cool, now. Come on.

It's quite... We've got Gavin And Stacey. Come on.

Eh? And Larry Lamb is here. Look at that.

Larry Lamb, ladies and gentlemen! The lovely Larry Lamb from Gavin And Stacey.

Although you do have to question the wisdom and judgment of a man with the surname Lamb,

who turns up when a Welshman is hosting Live At The Apollo.

"What am I doing?"

Those adverts are all right, aren't they - my "come to Wales" ads?

CHEERING

Thank you, two of you.

They've been very successful, those adverts, I'll have you know,

in bringing millions and millions of tourists to Wales.

The numbers have gone through the roof.

How many of you have been to Wales as a direct result of seeing my advert?

A FEW PEOPLE CHEER

Piss off!

Why haven't you been? Two of you!

Why haven't the rest of you been?

Wales is all right. It's not shit any more. We've done it up.

We've had development money. We've done...

Cardiff Bay - have you been there? Go there on holiday.

It's lovely. We've done it all up. You've got cafes and bars.

You've got the sea down there now. It's amazing.

It's true. Down where the shit was, that's all sea now, most of it.

Cardiff Bay - I was there not long ago. Some of these restaurants have got tables outside!

Al-fresco dining in Cardiff, for...! They're having a laugh, aren't they?

I tried to have a Twix at a bus stop in Wales a few years ago. It was...

It was too wet to eat, to be honest with you.

Everyone's pretending it's Madrid. Come on, we'll sit outside!

Your soup bowl's filling up faster than you can eat it, for Christ's sake!

Stop raining!

You never get past your starters.

After seven hours of soup and rainwater, you give up.

It's true. Your gin and tonic's overflowing. The little umbrella's blown inside out.

Turn it back into the wind! Turn it back into the wind!

There's waiters with frosted eyebrows fighting their way to the tables.

"Spaghetti carbonara! Spaghetti carbonara!"

Zzoong! "I'll get another one! I'll get another one!"

There's people throwing lifebuoys to their bread rolls.

"I'll pull you in! I'll pull you in!"

Peas being airlifted to safety.

Ah, ladies and gentlemen, would you like to meet some more celebs?

AUDIENCE CHEER

Keeley Hawes is here as well. Ashes To Ashes team. Where are they?

-AUDIENCE CHEER

-Ashes to Ashes.

That is about... Correct me... It's a bit complicated.

-You play a London cop...

-Yes.

..who got shot and woke up in the '80s?

-Yes.

-Seems a lot of trouble to go to. Why don't you just come back to Wales with me tonight?

You'll wake up surrounded by mullets, shoulder pads, offensive attitudes to women and race.

You'd love it.

And you might get shot. Who knows?

If I was going to go back to any decade, I wouldn't choose the '80s.

The '70s were the best, weren't they?

Give me a cheer, '70s kids.

CHEERING

Yeah. The '70s were... Cos you do the voice for Lara Croft as well, don't you?

See, we didn't have all those computer games in the '70s.

We had real games, didn't we?

Do you remember the games we used to have in the '70s? Mouse Trap - who remembers that?

Remember Mouse Trap, where you wound the crank and it turned the gears,

pushed the rod against the boot that kicked the bucket

with the ball that rolled down the stairs, round the drainpipe, hit the lever, into the tub,

fell through the hole onto the diving board, flipped the diver onto the tab,

released the cage on top of the little mouse?

Do you remember that?

Do you remember that?

We didn't have that.

Guess Who?, as well.

We had the Welsh version.

Anybody else see the Welsh version of Guess Who?

"Does she have a moustache?"

"No."

"Well, it's Bronwyn."

'70s were the best, ladies and gentlemen.

Who else have we got in? Let's have a look.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have Peter Sissons in the house. Peter Sissons!

And Krishnan Guru-Murthy, ladies and gentlemen!

The newsreaders are here!

The newsreaders are in.

Why is it... I've been meaning to ask you this.

Why is it that every disaster in the world is always the size of Wales, Peter?

Every single bloody disaster

in the world is the size of Wa...

You hate us, don't you?

I can see some of you nodding. I don't need you to tell me.

You can see it in your eyes every night on the news.

You can hear it in your tone of voice. "Today, an area the size of Wales was destroyed by fire."

"Today, an area the size of Wales was devastated by floods."

Why don't you just say what you're thinking? We can see what you mean.

"Today, an area the size of Wales, but not bloody Wales!"

Peter Sissons, ladies and gentlemen.

Where's Krishnan? Why is the news always so depressing?

Can't you give us a bit of good news? It's always so gloomy.

If it's not swine flu, it's the recession or climate change.

In a few weeks, it'll be the snow, won't it?

That'll be what you'll get us worried about. You'll have us all...

Everybody down the shops'll be bloody stocking up, won't they? Cos you say the snow's coming.

Everybody will be buying all the bread, all the eggs, all the milk.

"Quick! Buy all the bread, all the eggs..."

Cos if the bomb drops, we'll have a massive bread-and-butter pudding, won't we?

"Panic buying" you call it.

Where do you get that phrase "panic buying"?

"People are panic buying." No, they're not, Krishnan.

Nobody's panic buying. They're stocking up a bit.

At times of genuine panic, people do not go shopping, Krishnan!

"Quick! John's having a panic attack. Where's my Advantage card? I had it here somewhere.

"Quick! 999." "Which service?" "Argos, obviously."

People don't go shopping in times of genuine pa...

I suppose you think as the Titanic went down, the gift shop was heaving, do you?

I bet it was rammed there. I bet you couldn't move for people trying on Titanic hats and T-shirts.

"Can I try this on?" "Yeah, just swim through to the back. That's the way."

"Can I bring it back if the wife doesn't like it?"

"You'll have to be quick. The returns desk has just gone under."

No wonder there's no room on the lifeboats -

they're full of souvenirs according to you, aren't they?

"Take my child, take my child!"

"Piss off! He sat on my Toblerone. Get him out of here!"

"Man overboard and he's got my snow globe!"

Dear, dear!

Oh! Do you know, the last time I was here, I, er...

I had a bit of a...

I had a bit of a rant.

I did. I was having a bit of a whinge and a moan about torches with the power of a million candles.

And the tog rating system.

I was having a bit of a moan, but honestly...

The press had a right go at me.

They all said the things I talk about are trivial.

Can you... Can you...

Honestly. The Daily Telegraph leading the bloody charge, obviously.

Have we got any Daily Telegraph readers? Give me a cheer.

A FEW PEOPLE CHEER

Where are you, you pompous twat? Who said that?

Do you know what The Daily Telegraph said? The things I talk about are trivial.

Do you know what they said? "He rants and raves about such minor irritations as buying a duvet."

That's what they said. It's not a minor irritation.

It probably is to you, Daily Telegraph -

you've got a team of highly trained bedding staff at home, haven't you?

You've got more important things to worry about.

You're too busy worrying about whether your ancestral quiff will fit in the new Range Rover.

You probably know all about the tog rating system.

Togs are probably on the curriculum at Eton or Harrow, or wherever you went to school.

The rest of us plebs have got no idea about togs, have we?

-Tell the prick!

-AUDIENCE CHEER

Honestly! I was trying to make a general point.

I was trying to make a general point about people talking bollocks when you're trying to buy things.

That's what I was trying to do. I realised the other day... It winds me up so much.

I realised the other day, I'd been buying washing powder for over 20 years,

with no bloody idea whether to buy bio or non-bio. Have you?

Have you got any idea of the difference between bio...?

To bio or not to bio? That's the question, isn't it?

I've given up buying washing powder. I'll level with you.

Ah, I've given up. I've given up buying washing powder.

What's the bloody point in buying washing powder anyway? My washing machine's a prick.

Oh, it is! It doesn't matter whether I buy bio or non-bio.

Whatever side of the drawer I put the powder in, the water comes down the other frigging side anyway.

I go left, he goes right. I go right, he goes left. Sometimes I wait for the water,

put it in that side and the bugger switches on me halfway through.

Why is washing your clothes so bloody complicated?

"Are they wool? Are they delicates? Silk? Cottons? Colourfast cotton? Non-colourfast cotton delicates?"

I don't know! I didn't make the bloody things. I'm not Ozwald Boateng!

I never said I had a 2:1 from Oxford in textile engineering.

I said I've got a number-two stain in my boxers that'll take a bit of clearing.

Just wash the clothes!

Just wash the clothes. Wash the clothes.

Stop asking stupid questions. "What spin speed do you want? What temperature should I make the water?

"Should I wash them now or delay the start?" That's the latest thing.

Have you got a delay-start button on your machine? Cos we only come down early to beat the crowds, didn't we?

Are you going to hold off in case I change my mind, washing machine, is that it?

In case shit stains suddenly come into fashion this afternoon?

Let's wait for the FTSE to close, shall we?

Maybe dirty pants'll finish the day strongly - who knows?

Maybe the Americans will invent a car that runs on underwear scrapings. You never know, do you?

"Extra, extra! Read all about it! Skid marks up two points."

"Well, thanks, washing machine. That was a close call. I almost washed those pants."

Ask me useful questions. Why doesn't it ask us useful questions?

"Have I left a tenner in my jeans?" That would be useful, wouldn't it?

Not, "Do you want to pre-wash the clothes?"

"Oh, yeah. Don't wash them without giving them a quick wash first. Don't make that mistake!"

What is pre-wash? Does anybody know what pre-wash...

What is...? Do the clothes get some kind of briefing in there? Is that what happens?

"Listen up, clothes. The water's coming down in a minute. Any questions?"

"Yeah, which side is it coming down today?" "No word on that yet, I'm afraid.

"We'll know more once the powder goes in, I imagine."

Ooh!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for me to introduce...

the very special guest this evening?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Ladies and gentlemen of Hammersmith, live at the Apollo, would you please welcome to the stage

our special guest for this evening, Mr John Bishop!

MUSIC: "Four to the Floor" by Starsailor

Hello.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen? How are you?

AUDIENCE CHEER Good, good.

Ladies and gentleman, my name's John.

I'm from Liverpool.

AUDIENCE CHEER Thank you. Thank you.

Nice to be here.

Nice that the BBC have put a show on with an angry Welshman and a Scouser.

I think we all know someone somewhere's getting a grant.

I bought a new car recently and, er...

And I'm not bragging - it's a people carrier.

Yeah, which is the motor-vehicle equivalent of corduroy slacks.

It's like saying to the rest of the world, "Look, I've give up, to be honest.

"Just want a bit of space and some comfort now, and, er..."

And I bought this people carrier, and I took it to my dad.

Cos that's what you do now.

Getting a new car is the modern equivalent of a kill.

You get a new car and you take it to your dad and you go,

"Look, Dad, I've caught a machine."

And my dad come out and went, "Look, our John's caught a machine."

Well, my dad's different. He's of that different generation.

He wants to look at cars in an entirely different way.

He wants to look at the engine.

So I let him look at the engine, cos I would never tell my dad I have no idea what he's looking at.

I couldn't tell my dad that. I couldn't tell my dad I don't know anything about cars.

That would be like telling my dad I've got a favourite musical.

It's just not a conversation a northern son can have with his dad.

I couldn't tell him I'm in the RAC.

It'd be like telling him I go morris dancing. It's just not what we do.

So he comes out, he's looking at the car, he gets in my car.

That's when he found what's got to be the most ridiculous invention on the planet.

He gets in the car, we turn the heater on

and that's when we find in my car, we've got two temperature controls.

You turn the heater and then here, in the driver's seat,

you can set your own temperature.

And then there, in the passenger seat,

you can set your own temperature.

It's there! You can have a different climate between here and there.

How pointless is that?

In my car, you can have 19 degrees of difference between here...

and there. When are you ever going to use that?

Unless you're an Eskimo giving an African a lift.

And what was worse about it... I got in the car and I drove away.

I drove away from my dad and I did something that you only ever do once.

I poured petrol into a diesel car.

You can feel the pain, can't you? It's horrible.

It's horrible. Cos every man in this room knows that pouring petrol into a diesel car

is just like pouring gin into a woman.

It is. Cos you know at some point during the evening, she's gonna break down.

And that's what happened. I poured petrol into a diesel car and I drove off,

and after about five miles, it coughed and it spluttered and it broke down.

And I was sat there in the driver's seat, in my shorts and T-shirt.

My wife was sat next to me in her hat and coat.

The dashboard lights were flashing like mad and, cos she's a woman,

she thinks the dashboard lights are flashing like mad to indicate what's wrong with the car.

But because I'm a man, I know what every man in this room knows -

that when those dashboard lights flash, they flash in Morse code,

and that Morse code's saying, "You're a knobhead!"

And it was horrible. If you've ever been in this situation, the car won't move.

There's nowhere you can go. I phoned the RAC.

He said, "There's nothing you can do. I've got to take your car away.

"You've got to get someone to come and give you a lift."

Well, in those situations, you only think of one person,

so I phoned my dad.

That was the worst decision I have ever made in my life.

Because my dad turned up when the RAC van was still there,

and we know they don't do anything subtle.

They turn up in a big bleeding orange van, with a big orange light on it,

so that people in passing planes know you're a dickhead.

He turned up, he got out the car. I could see the look of disappointment on his face.

He came walking over to me, he looked at me. He said, "What happened, son?"

I'm trying to think of something brilliant and mechanical that I couldn't possibly fix.

I couldn't think of anything.

It was OK, because, obviously, my wife was there, so she decided to help.

"He poured petrol in a diesel car, didn't you, you dickhead?"

And it was like a pain going into me dad's heart.

It was a dagger of disappointment.

I could see the pain in his eyes as he looked at me.

He said, "You did what?" And I didn't know what to say.

I just didn't know what to say. I had nothing to offer as an excuse.

I just looked at him. I said, "Well...

"I've never had a diesel car before, Dad."

And my dad something that only a dad would say. He just looked at me.

He said, "Listen, son, you don't have to own a sheep to know what not to put in it."

I've got to be honest - I still don't understand what that means.

But that's how dads communicated with that generation,

and things have changed. Things have changed.

I've got three kids and you want, as a dad, to understand your kids and you want your kids to understand you.

And it's very difficult, cos my kids are teenagers now and it's hard to relate.

In fact, one of them just thinks I'm a knob, to be honest.

I only know this cos he's one of those kids you get in shopping centres, you know,

with the skinny jeans and the white pumps and the colourful hoodies,

and they have hair hanging down and they all hug each other,

and you can't tell what's a boy or a girl.

Yeah, I've got one of them and, er...

I've got to be honest with you - I'm not sure the same one comes home each night.

And he had a thing recently called a sleepover,

which has got to be the most inappropriately named activity on the planet.

It should be called "why not have a load of teenagers you don't know in your house,

"eating everything in the fridge till 4am, when they have a big row and everyone ends up crying" over.

And it was during this sleepover, I walked past his bedroom

and I heard one of his... One of his...mates.

I heard...

I heard one of them say, "You know what? It must be dead cool having a dad who's a comedian."

To which, my son said, "No, he's a knob."

I have got three kids, as I say.

My oldest lad's nearly 15, but they operate in a different world now.

Kids now, they become more... more sexualised quicker.

They're more interested in sex than we were.

Much more interested. I mean, I lost my virginity at 17.

I found it again when I got married, but...

Now, kids are driven towards it, driven towards it.

I was in the living room with his mum one night. It was about midnight.

It wasn't me birthday or anything, but she'd had half a bottle of wine,

so I thought, "Well, you never know."

And my wife's like every woman in this room, who knows when a text message is coming before it arrives.

They've got this instinct, haven't they? Where they just turn into meerkats and they go...

I'm in the living room with her. It's about midnight.

All of sudden she goes like that.

She goes into the kitchen, picks up his mobile phone, which is on silent.

Brings it in. She said, "He's just got a text message." I said, "Turn the phone off."

She said, "It's midnight, he's 14, he's just got a text."

I said, "Well, turn the phone off." She said, "It's midnight, he's 14, he's just got a text message.

"I'm going to read it."

I said, "Whoa! You're not going to read it." She said, "I'm his mum. I'm going to read it."

I said, "I'm his dad. You won't read it." She said, "I'm his mum. I'm going to read it."

I said, "All right, have a look."

She got this text message.

She opened it and it read,

"I want to shag you."

The first thing that went through my mind

is the same that went through every man's mind in this room... "You lucky..."

Second thing that went through my mind was, "I hope that's not Mr Jenkins, cos..."

No, it was a good school report, to be honest.

Next thing, she looks at it and she says, "No, it's off some girl he's friendly with."

I said, "Very good." She said, "It's not very good."

I said, "What d'you mean, 'not very good'?"

She said, "Well, it's time, innit?" I said, "Time for what?" She said, "It's time for the conversation."

I said, "What conversation?" She said, "It's time you and him sat down and had the conversation."

I said, "What conversation?" She said, "The conversation.

"It's time you had the conversation with him."

I said, "I'm struggling with THIS conversation!"

I said, "What are you talking about?"

She said, "The conversation.

"The conversation. The father-son conversation.

"The kind of conversation that your dad must have had with you."

I said, "What?"

I said, "You've seen my dad.

"He's got tattoos of swallows on the back of his hands.

"How many 'conversations' do you think we've ever had?

"If it doesn't involve, 'What's the score?' I don't think we've spoke for seven years."

I come down the following morning.

His brothers are in the kitchen, giggling, cos they know what's going on.

I walk in. He's sat in the living room, sat on the couch.

I have to walk in. And I know, at this point, that this is an important conversation.

This is a pivotal conversation.

This is a moment where I'm going to educate him

about things like love and sex and life and relationships.

I know that, but I'm not equipped for it.

So I walk in, I sat next to him on the couch.

I just give him a dead arm. I don't know why I did that.

I just thought it would break the ice a little bit.

I looked at him. He looked at me. I went, "Erm..."

I said, "Er...

"So listen, son, er...

"This isn't my idea, er...

"But I was with your mum last night and, er, you know what she's like.

"She's like a meerkat. 'Ooh-ooh!' She goes, gets your phone.

"I said, 'Don't!' She said, 'I want to look.' I said, 'Don't.' She said, 'I want to...'"

He said, "Dad, is this about sex?" and then I went red.

I thought, "What am I supposed to say?" Cos this generation don't use words to explain everything.

Everything's visual, everything's on YouTube, everything's on the Net.

I thought, "The best way I can explain sex to him now is in a visual way.

"And the best way I can do that is by sticking a porno on."

I didn't, I didn't! Cos I realised at the end I would've had to say,

"To be honest with you, son, they're not normally that enthusiastic.

"And I've got to be honest with you - it's very rare they bring a mate."

And I also didn't want him growing up thinking you get a plumber round every 20 minutes.

But it is. It's a difficult thing.

And also - as I say - me, I've been married now, er...

..forever. Er...

I've been married now 16 years on and off.

And I say that because we've all reached that point, haven't we?

I've emigrated from Liverpool. Now I live in Manchester.

And, er...

And I live there cos I met a girl there. I met a girl there.

Met a girl in college. I fell in love,

we got married,

we had three kids and then, er...

We reached that point when you've been married for seven or eight years, where you wake up one morning,

look at each other and think,

"Wouldn't it be better if you just pissed off and lived somewhere else?"

And it just hits you, doesn't it?

And you do your best. You get through it.

I think you can probably measure a relationship by the way you give each other presents.

I remember when I was first married to me wife. The first Christmases.

I used to love Christmas then. It was special, Christmas, then.

What I used to do every Christmas then, I used to get her a special present, one special present.

And I'd hide that. And then I used get her little presents.

I'd hide the little presents round the house and they were all clues as to where the special present was.

Then I used to get a CD, and on the CD I used to put all the songs she'd listened to throughout the year.

And I'd play the CD while she looked for all the presents.

And every time she found a little present, she'd look at me and her little nose'd wrinkle up like that.

And she had little dimples and she'd go, "Ooh," and I'd go "Ooh!"

But you know, after 16 years...

The way they bleedin' breathe.

It's just constant, innit? You know what I mean?

Every day. In and out, in and out.

And it's hard when you're getting older as well. It's hard when you're getting older.

I'm over 40 now and, you know, that's a difficult time for any man.

It's a difficult time for any man, cos it's like God's having a laugh with you when you get over 40.

The first pubic hair. The first grey pubic hair.

Oh, that's a shock.

That is a shock. That really, really tells you how old you've become,

when you look down and see your first grey pubic hair.

That was a real shock to the system.

I had to say to my missus, "Listen, love, you're going to have to tidy that up.

"I'm doing my best here, for Christ's sake! I'm dressed as a fireman. Come on!"

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been John Bishop. You've been wonderful. Thank you, good night and God bless.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Bishop! Give it up!

You have been a wonderful audience.

This has been Live At The Apollo. I am Rhod Gilbert.

Thank you very, very much for coming.

Thank you and good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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