Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


Episode 1

Series showcasing the best of British comedy talent. 8 Out of 10 Cats star Sean Lock introduces Liverpool's finest, John Bishop, from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Sean Lock!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm busy!

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Thank you, thank you, what a welcome!

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Thank you.

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Hello. Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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This is amazing. I feel like the Pope.

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This must be how the Pope must feel, just go, "Yeah!

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"I'm the Pope!"

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Actually, I know how the Pope feels. This is how the Pope feels.

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Stop it.

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I met the Pope when he was over here.

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I was very lucky, I managed to meet the man. Amazing guy, amazing guy.

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You know that little white thing on the top of his head?

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You push that down and twist it, he's full of sweets.

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I made that up for a laugh. What am I like?

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Lovely to be here, especially nice for me to be here tonight

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because recently, I had a third kid, quite recently.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I was pissed. I did the bare minimum.

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But since I've had a third kid, any excuse to get out of the house, I'm up for it!

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The other day I was going through the kitchen cupboards, trying to find something we might be a bit low on.

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"Just got to nip round the corner.

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"We've nearly run out of nutmeg!"

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I'll make up any excuse.

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"We need a carrot. Yeah, better go and get a carrot.

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"Well, it might snow.

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"We don't want to have the only shit snowman on the street, do we?"

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Sometimes I don't go anywhere. I just go and sit in the car.

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I take all the kids' seats out, so I can pretend I'm single for 20 minutes.

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Can't do anything about the raisins.

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Oh, Christ!

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They're bloody every... My car is just covered in raisins.

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They all get embedded in the upholstery.

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Sometimes it feels like I'm driving a muffin.

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Ooh, ooh!

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I've worked out the back seat of our car is so sticky, don't really need kids' seats.

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I could just lick the back of the children like that.

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I don't know what it is, you give a kid a box of raisins, the first thing they do is this.

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Like some kind of Hindu offering.

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That's for Vishnu, rest for me.

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I was looking the other day, it's disgusting in there, so unhygienic,

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cos there's raisins, wee, snot, crumbs.

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I mean, no wonder they're always ill!

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If we drive past landfill, seagulls start following our car.

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The only good thing about it is it will never get nicked.

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I could leave it parked, doors open, keys in the ignition,

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engine running, I'd come back an hour later, there'd just be a fox retching on the pavement.

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Arrrrgh! Arrrgh!

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Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate I'm a very lucky man. I've got three children.

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The other day, I was thinking how lucky I was. I was downstairs in the kitchen reading a newspaper.

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I heard a little voice go, "Daddy, I'm finished!"

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From somewhere in the house, you know. Hopefully the toilet.

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Not always.

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And as I was wiping the bottom, I thought to myself, "You lucky bastard!"

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Cos people say, "You're very lucky" and they say, "Don't they grow up fast?

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That's true, actually. My eldest daughter's nearly six.

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She came up to me the other day, she said, "Dad, I think I'm too old for CBeebies."

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She doesn't talk like that, by the way,

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otherwise she'd draw a bigger crowd than me.

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She says, "I'm too old for CBeebies.

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"I want to watch CBBC. CBeebies is for little kids, I want to watch CBBC."

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And I didn't say this, I was going to say this, "Oh, really?

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"Too old for CBeebies, are you? Then how come

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"you've got a squirrel on your T-shirt, then?

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"A big, fluffy squirrel, holding a balloon. Ooh!

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"Ooh, you're very mature, aren't you, yeah!

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"Ooh, step back and let the big lady come through!"

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I didn't say that, cos my wife doesn't like me treating the kids like hecklers.

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And also, apparently, stuff you say to kids when they're little,

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apparently it affects them when they're older.

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I know, sounds mad, doesn't it? Yeah.

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You say something to them when they're 5, when they're 24, they go, "Oh, I need some crack."

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Also, apparently, you're not supposed to shout at your kids, yeah?

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How's that supposed to work? (There's a car coming!)

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No, like I say, I do appreciate I'm a very lucky man, but I'm a bloke,

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I just like to skive when I can, a little skive, you know.

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If I get enough time, I like to go to my favourite shop, which is Lidl.

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Yeah. Yeah, I love it down there.

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Lidl. Are you Lidled up here in Hammersmith?

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Oh, it's great, I love it. What I like about Lidl is, because I don't recognise any of the products...

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..it's like being on holiday, isn't it?

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In somewhere like Moldova.

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I go, "Oh, look, Strongsbloff!"

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I don't know if it's butter or mastic.

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These days, I just buy stuff, take it home, see what it is, just open it.

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Have a little surprise. "Oh, look at this, love!

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"Puffin hearts!

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"You want one? Want one?

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"A bit like olives!

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"Oh, look, wasps, cooked in their own business."

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No, I love it there.

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I love the way they've kept it simple as well. It's no frills, isn't it?

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It's less a supermarket, more like a famine relief centre.

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The best thing about it is, I like the fact at the checkout,

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they don't go in for the bag for life.

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They don't go in for what I call the bag for life shit, you know?

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I say, "Don't give me that bag for life shit, lady."

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You know, cos I don't like that.

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I'm out shopping. I don't want to think about my own death.

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Just getting a few bits and bobs, you know?

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To be honest, bag for life, I'm not even sure if I want these genitals for life.

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I don't believe in God, I think we're on this planet once, why not try everything?

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ONE PERSON LAUGHS

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EVERYBODY LAUGHS

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That went down well, didn't it?

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I'm not saying I want a vagina. No!

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No, maybe just something furry, like a meerkat would be nice.

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Oh, that's lovely, that is.

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Soft. Feel that, that is soft.

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You know those bags for life? Do you know why they last so long?

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It's cos you never use them, do you?

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I'm always at the checkout going, "Oh, bollocks!

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"Forgotten it again!"

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I've got a cummerbund at home that's seen more action.

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The only way I'd remember the bag for life, if I had a couple of them sewn

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into the sleeves of my jacket, like kids' mittens.

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I'd just walk around with two bags for life.

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"You got your bag for life?" "Too bloody right! Oh, yeah, yeah!

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"Now fill it with vodka and fags.

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"I'm ironic.

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"Let's see who goes first. Me or the bag.

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"It's a duel."

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Don't get me wrong, I think they're a very good idea.

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I just don't think it's the right way to go about it,

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cos they sort of shame you into buying them.

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The checkout girl pulls out the carrier bags, looks at you in disgust.

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Like she's pulling other women's knickers out of her husband's glove box.

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"Dirty, dirty bastard!"

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Maybe I've read a bit too much into that look.

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But welcome, welcome to the show.

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It's a fantastic show we've got tonight. We have got some very special guests.

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We've got Esther Rantzen here. Hello, Esther.

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I can remember watching That's Life, and it was a great show.

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One of the best things about it was they used to have funny-shaped vegetables.

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They used to show off if they had a funny-shaped vegetable,

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we'd sit round the telly going, "Look at that parsnip!" It was great.

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You know, they'd have, like, a cauliflower in the shape of a penis, and you'd go, "Blimey!"

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It was an amazing feeling.

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Life was quite dull, back then. Now it's all changed, television.

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Now you've got Embarrassing Bodies, and they've got penises in the shape of cauliflowers.

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And we all have a laugh about that now, don't we?

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And hello, Stephen. All right?

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Welcome. When you're on Wild On Heart, the vet show,

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when that came out, I was really excited cos I thought, "Vets in Africa!"

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I thought there'd be loads of lions wandering round

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with those plastic funnel collars on.

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Or a giraffe whose back legs have gone, so they put two penny farthings on it.

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Or an elephant with worms, dragging its arse along the floor.

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It's a great show. You also ballooned in Africa, didn't you?

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I mean, not like Chris Moyles, you actually went in a balloon.

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What am I like?

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-Did you like ballooning?

-Yeah, I did.

-I went ballooning, and I thought,

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"This is a bit like RyanAir, isn't it?"

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You've just got a basket, it's pretty basic,

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and you tend to land about 50 miles away from where you planned to, don't you?

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Yeah.

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That RyanAir guy, Michael O'Leary, he's a crazy guy.

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He's always trying to save a few quid, isn't he?

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Shaving off the money wherever he can, and recently I heard he plans to do flights

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where everyone stands up on the plane,

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and also he wants to get rid of the co-pilot, so there's just one pilot on a flight.

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And I thought, "What he's actually doing

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"is playing Kerplunk" with airline safety."

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"I'll take that out. Ooh! Still works.

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"Ooh! Still works.

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"Shit! Christ!"

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I've got new glasses as well.

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Yeah, went to Specsavers.

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Wasn't my idea. Someone suggested it to me.

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Yeah. I thought it was very rude of the guy seeing as I'd just fallen in the river.

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"Should have gone to Specsavers, mate!"

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You don't even know if I can swim.

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Cos that's how I swim, sort of camp and upright.

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I love wearing glasses, I love wearing glasses. What I like about it is,

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any time I want, I can do this, right, and the world's a completely different place.

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Sort of fuzzy, soft-focus, dreamy landscape, where nothing really bad can happen.

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Normal people have to take drugs to feel like this.

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With my glasses off, I'll drive through gaps I wouldn't dream of with them on.

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If I've got to reverse a caravan over a hump-backed bridge onto a rusting ferry,

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the first thing I'll think is, "We won't be needing these, will we?"

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It's fine when I take my glasses off. There's a lady there wears glasses. Do you have this?

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You know when people ask you to try your glasses on, right, they never wait to be handed them, do they?

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They do, they just take them off.

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People say, "Can I try your glasses on?"

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Then they just take them off your face.

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It's so rude. I think, "Oh, thanks very much, now I'm blind. Nice one."

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But then, then they put them on, and they go, "Bloody hell, how d'you see through this?"

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Just laugh in your face.

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"Ha ha ha ha ha!

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"You're blind, aren't you?

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"Ha ha ha ha ha!"

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It's so rude, isn't it?

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I mean, you wouldn't go up to someone in a wheelchair and go, "let's have a go in that, mate.

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"How d'you get about?

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"Wooo!

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"Woo-oo, woo-oo, woo-oo.

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"This is ridiculous, isn't it?"

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So are you ready for the main act of the evening?

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CHEERING

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Please put your hands together, go mad for a wonderful comedian, John Bishop!

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CHEERING

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Thank you!

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Hello, good evening. How are ya?

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Good, good, good.

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you!

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WHISTLING

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That's what I like about this job. I used to have another life.

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I used to have another job. I don't know if anyone remembers them.

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They was something that was popular a few years ago.

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Loads of us had one. They were great fun. We used to do it every day.

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I know now it's not as popular as it used to be. Er...

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But I used to have a job and I was speaking to a mate of mine recently

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and he said, "What's it like doing this job compared to your old job?"

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I said, the only way I can describe it, "It's like having oral sex

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"with a girl who's got big teeth."

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You know what I mean? Cos it can be brilliant,

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but you know at any moment, it can all go wrong.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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All right, I've got to be honest,

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this isn't the first time I've done Live At The Apollo.

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I did Live At The Apollo a year ago,

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and it was brilliant because this is an absolutely brilliant venue.

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It's fantastic. But I did it,

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and what happened is, I left the job that I used to have.

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I left the job. And what I did is what a lot of comedians do

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when you leave the job or you try to go full-time as a comedian.

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I went on tour. The first tour I'd ever done.

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The difference between that first tour I did

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and the tour I recently did is, no-one came to the first tour.

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And when I say no-one came, no-one came.

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Honestly, it was less of a tour and more of me just driving round on my own,

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having a little look at England.

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But what happens is, when you do a tour, and you'll see it here outside

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the Hammersmith Apollo, you'll see people with flyers with the tour dates on.

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And I got this flyer made

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with all the places I was going to around the country.

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And one of my mates saw the flyer, and the big London date I had on my

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first ever tour was a place called the Leicester Square Theatre.

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Yeah, you'll know it. I'm sure you'll know it.

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The Leicester Square Theatre, in the heart of Leicester Square.

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It's got 400 seats in it, it's a beautiful theatre.

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I'm sure people in here will know the Leicester Square Theatre.

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Downstairs, it's got a small room.

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I was booked in the small room.

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The small room holds 25 people.

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But when you put your flyer out, you don't put

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"I'm doing the Leicester Square Theatre, but calm down,

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"I'm only downstairs in the small room."

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You let people think you're doing the Leicester Square Theatre.

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My mates picked up the flyer.

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They said "You're going to give comedy a go?" I said, "I am."

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They said "You know what we're going to do? We've had a chat."

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"We're going to come to one of your tour dates."

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I said "Lads, I'd really appreciate your support."

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They said "Brilliant. What we're going to do, we're going to come to your big London date!"

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I said "You don't have to do that." They said "No, we're going to come to your big London date."

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I don't know if anyone's ever been in the small room

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of the Leicester Square Theatre.

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There's not even a stage.

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Honestly, there's a curtain... This is about three years ago, this.

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There's a curtain in the corner where you get changed.

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It's like playing charades at your nan's.

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You change behind the curtain, step out and go "Hiya"!

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I got changed behind the curtain, I stepped out on my big London date, I went "Hiya"!

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There were 16 people in the room.

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14 were my mates.

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Two were Japanese tourists who were just lost.

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Can you imagine a what a walk that was?

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I had to do a full show of comedy to my mates, about my mates.

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And then afterwards, we'd organised to go for a curry.

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So we all went for a curry, which you should never be able to do.

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No comedian should ever be able to go for a curry with the whole audience.

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And it was, it was the whole audience, because the Japanese came.

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They thought it was part of the show.

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And it's amazing how things change in your life,

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because I'm sat there and at that point,

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I was, you know, I'd left the job

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probably about 12 months, and I was struggling to get gigs, I was struggling to get booked.

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I'd gone on this tour, no-one had come and I was sat with my mates.

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There's certain moments in your life where your mates

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just prove why they're your mates, and just say something that's...

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That means so much to you.

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I'm sat there having this curry with my mates, and I said

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"Listen, lads, I'm really sorry."

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They said "What for?"

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I said "Well, you've come all the way here and there's no-one here."

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And they said "Yeah, it was a bit shit."

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LAUGHTER

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I said "Well, to be honest with you, lads, I'm thinking of giving it up." They said "What do you mean?"

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I said, "I'm thinking of giving comedy up."

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"I'm just not making enough money."

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"I'm not getting more money on the mortgage, we're struggling at the house."

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"And I just don't...I just don't think I can make it work."

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Then my mates turned round and said "Don't do that, give it another go.

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"Give it one more year, give it maybe 18 months, just see what happens.

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"Just give it one more go. Don't give up now, because you'll never know what would have happened."

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And I went...

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I said "That's brilliant, that.

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"What you've just done there, lads,

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"I'm never going to forget that."

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I said "If I ever get booked on something big, something like Live At The Apollo",

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I said "You're comin', all 14..."

0:20:020:20:05

You two aren't.

0:20:050:20:07

All 14 of you are comin'.

0:20:080:20:11

"Because we're on this journey together."

0:20:110:20:14

And me mates went "Yeah, OK."

0:20:140:20:17

12 months later, I got a phone call from the producer of Live At The Apollo.

0:20:170:20:21

He said "John, we'd like you to come on Live at The Apollo."

0:20:210:20:24

I said "I would love to come on Live At The Apollo.

0:20:240:20:27

"Do I get any guest tickets?"

0:20:270:20:29

He said "Normally, you can have two."

0:20:290:20:31

I said "I need 14."

0:20:340:20:36

He said "You cheeky bastard! You're lucky to be on the show."

0:20:360:20:40

I said "I know, but I genuinely need 14."

0:20:400:20:44

He said "Why on earth do you need 14?"

0:20:440:20:47

I said "I need them for my mates."

0:20:470:20:49

He said "You what? Why on earth do you need 14 tickets for your mates?"

0:20:490:20:54

And I just couldn't think of anything else to say. I just went

0:20:540:20:59

"One of them's not got long."

0:20:590:21:01

LAUGHTER

0:21:010:21:04

He said "I'll see what I can do."

0:21:040:21:06

He put the phone down and phoned me back ten minutes later.

0:21:060:21:10

He still works on the show.

0:21:100:21:13

He said "John, I've got you 14 tickets

0:21:130:21:17

"for a recording of Live At The Apollo."

0:21:170:21:19

I said thanks. He said "John?" I went "What?" He said "Be strong."

0:21:190:21:22

I said "I'll do my best."

0:21:310:21:32

I put the phone down. I phoned my mates up and said "Lads,

0:21:320:21:36

"you're not going to believe what's just happened."

0:21:360:21:39

I said "I've been booked on Live At The Apollo.

0:21:390:21:44

"And what's more, you're coming, all 14 of you are coming,

0:21:440:21:48

"but one of you has got to wear a cap."

0:21:480:21:50

LAUGHTER

0:21:500:21:52

I turned up to do Live At The Apollo last year.

0:21:560:21:59

It was here, obviously, the Hammersmith Apollo.

0:21:590:22:03

Biggest gig of my life, biggest gig of my life.

0:22:040:22:07

I turned up, there's 3500 people in the audience.

0:22:070:22:10

I'm shitting myself. The last gig I'd done in London, there were 16.

0:22:100:22:14

So I'm shitting myself.

0:22:140:22:15

I'm on just like tonight, and last year I was on with Rhod Gilbert.

0:22:150:22:20

I'm stood at the side of the stage and I'm shitting myself.

0:22:200:22:24

I'm watching Rhod Gilbert and wobbling from side to side.

0:22:240:22:27

That's what I do when I'm nervous. I don't know if anyone else does.

0:22:270:22:30

I just rock from side to side, like in my own head, I think I would be less nervous if I was on a ship.

0:22:300:22:36

So I'm just rocking from side to side and watching Rhod Gilbert.

0:22:360:22:41

There's nothing worse for a comedian than watching somebody

0:22:410:22:46

who's brilliant and knowing you've got to follow them.

0:22:460:22:49

Watching someone who's better at it than you are, and you've got to follow.

0:22:490:22:53

It's like waiting for your turn at an orgy

0:22:530:22:55

and finding you're behind the porn star.

0:22:550:22:57

You're stood there going "You could have finished ages ago."

0:22:590:23:04

And I'm stood at the side of the stage like that

0:23:040:23:06

watching Rhod Gilbert, and the only advice the BBC give when you do Live At The Apollo is, they say

0:23:060:23:12

"There's a good chance you're going to freeze when you go out there.

0:23:120:23:16

"So don't interact with the audience. Just remember your material,

0:23:160:23:20

"concentrate on your material."

0:23:200:23:21

So I'm stood at the side of the stage watching Rhod Gilbert, trying to remember my material.

0:23:210:23:26

I know there's 3500 people in the audience.

0:23:260:23:29

Amongst those 3500 people, I know there's 14 of my mates,

0:23:290:23:34

who have either forgot to wear a cap or are all wearing a cap.

0:23:340:23:39

I thought, I bet one of them has come in a surgical gown with a drip,

0:23:390:23:42

going "I'm taking no chances, lads."

0:23:420:23:44

I'm there, I'm stood at the side of the stage.

0:23:480:23:51

You know what happens? You stand behind the word Apollo.

0:23:510:23:55

The girl from the BBC comes up to me

0:23:550:23:57

and says "John, listen, Rhod is about to finish,

0:23:570:24:01

"so you need to get in position." She leaves me behind the word Apollo.

0:24:010:24:04

You stand behind the word Apollo, the word Apollo comes up,

0:24:040:24:08

your name gets announced and you walk on. That sounds dead easy,

0:24:080:24:11

and it probably is. If you're not shitting yourself.

0:24:110:24:14

I get left behind the word Apollo.

0:24:140:24:16

I'm stood rocking from side to side, trying to remember my material.

0:24:160:24:21

I'm stood rocking from side to side.

0:24:210:24:23

I'm stood behind the letter L.

0:24:230:24:24

I'm about to go on the biggest gig of my life, shitting myself,

0:24:240:24:30

trying to remember my material.

0:24:300:24:33

Before she walks away, she just stops and says

0:24:330:24:36

"John, has anyone told you about the change in transmission time"?

0:24:360:24:39

I said "What?"

0:24:390:24:41

She said "Has anyone told you about the change in transmission time"?

0:24:410:24:45

I said "What are you talking about?"

0:24:450:24:47

She said "The BBC, they've changed the slot.

0:24:470:24:50

"We were originally going to be on after ten.

0:24:500:24:53

"We're now going to be on some time between nine and ten on a Saturday night."

0:24:530:24:58

I went "So what?"

0:24:580:24:59

She said "That means you're allowed two twats, one wank, nothing stronger", and walked off.

0:24:590:25:05

I forgot everything I was going to say!

0:25:060:25:09

I only had three words in my head.

0:25:090:25:11

At that point, I heard Rhod Gilbert say "Ladies and gentlemen. please welcome John Bishop!"

0:25:110:25:16

Instinctively, I walked forward.

0:25:160:25:18

What I should have done is wait for the sign to come up.

0:25:180:25:22

LAUGHTER

0:25:220:25:23

I banged my head on the letter L.

0:25:230:25:25

If you ever watch, they'd filled the stage with smoke to cover it,

0:25:250:25:29

which meant I couldn't see where I was going.

0:25:290:25:31

It was like being in an Ultravox video.

0:25:310:25:34

I come out, and I'm stood here.

0:25:340:25:36

I just started talking, and fair enough, it went OK.

0:25:360:25:40

Afterwards, I walked off.

0:25:400:25:43

Afterwards, they take you to a bar

0:25:430:25:45

and the only people allowed into the bar are the acts

0:25:450:25:49

who had been on the stage, the odd person from the BBC, the odd agent.

0:25:490:25:54

And selected - selected VIP guests.

0:25:540:26:00

On the night that I was on, they only had 14 selected VIP guests.

0:26:000:26:07

Who were already pissed by the time they arrived,

0:26:070:26:12

passing the cap between each other.

0:26:120:26:14

"You put it on, I'm cured. Look at me, I'm cured!"

0:26:220:26:26

You go into the bar, it's a VIP bar.

0:26:260:26:29

Me and my mates aren't used to a VIP bar.

0:26:290:26:32

We just get pissed. They drink everything in the bar.

0:26:320:26:35

They drink the bar dry.

0:26:350:26:36

The girl from the BBC comes up to me again and says "John, I'm sorry, there's nothing left.

0:26:360:26:41

"But I've organised you a car back to your hotel."

0:26:410:26:44

So my mates turn round and said "What about us?"

0:26:440:26:48

I said "There's 14 of you."

0:26:480:26:50

They went "Oh, you've changed."

0:26:500:26:52

I said "How can I get 14 in a taxi?

0:26:540:26:58

"I can't get 14 in a taxi. I'll take two of you.

0:26:580:27:01

"I'll take sick boy and one other."

0:27:010:27:03

Then they started fighting over the hat.

0:27:030:27:07

I said "The other 12 - get taxis. I'll see you back at the hotel."

0:27:070:27:13

I was in the car for ten minutes when my phone rang.

0:27:130:27:16

It was the producer from Live At The Apollo.

0:27:160:27:18

He said "John, I'm just phoning you up

0:27:180:27:20

"to let you know the panic's over."

0:27:200:27:22

I said "What panic?" He said "It's OK, we had a little problem,

0:27:220:27:25

"but it's been resolved." I said "I didn't know there was a problem."

0:27:250:27:29

He said "There was a little problem, but it's OK, I've managed to organise a minibus..."

0:27:290:27:36

"..For your 12 writers."

0:27:360:27:38

LAUGHTER

0:27:380:27:40

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been John Bishop. Thanks for listening, good night and God bless.

0:27:440:27:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:490:27:52

All right, John?

0:27:580:28:00

John Bishop!

0:28:000:28:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:020:28:05

John was talking about being nervous before you come out

0:28:080:28:11

and it is a big venue, it's quite nerve-racking.

0:28:110:28:14

It's weird what people say to you before gigs. I did a gig recently

0:28:140:28:17

at the Swiss Embassy, it was like a cultural exchange.

0:28:170:28:20

I don't know why they had me on.

0:28:200:28:22

Just before I went on, somebody said to me

0:28:220:28:25

"Oh, by the way, don't mention Swiss Nazi gold."

0:28:250:28:28

I thought it was a radio station, I had no idea.

0:28:300:28:33

You've been a fantastic crowd, give it up for John Bishop.

0:28:350:28:39

I've been Sean Lock. Thank you very much, good night!

0:28:390:28:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:440:28:47

Live at the Apollo returns to BBC One, showcasing the best of British comedy talent. 8 Out of 10 Cats star Sean Lock introduces Liverpool's finest, John Bishop, from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo.


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