Episode 6 Live at the Apollo

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'please welcome your host for tonight, Sarah Millican!'

APPLAUSE

# Dude look like a lady

# Dude look like a lady

-# Dude look like a lady. #

-Hello.

Hello.

Thank you very much for coming. Welcome to Live At The Apollo!

APPLAUSE

It was lovely the way I was introduced there.

It's a really nice thing to get used to in a new job

when somebody says your name and people clap and cheer.

It's lovely! It was a little bit weird at the doctor's the other day.

LAUGHTER

Cos nobody clapped.

Every time I said "clap", they thought that's what I had.

LAUGHTER

But I decided, a lot of people do this in January...

I decided in January to try to sort of better myself.

I'm not bothered about losing weight, but I like the idea of getting fit,

so I thought I'd get myself an exercise DVD.

You know when your partner goes shopping and asks, "Do you want anything?"

and you're supposed to say, "No", but instead you give them a list?

I love doing that.

Sometimes I make shit up I don't even need just to see his face.

And he looks at the list and he goes,

"What's the difference between a tangerine and a satsuma?"

Ha-ha! It's a test!

And I said to him, "Could you get us an exercise DVD?"

That's what I thought I'd do, get an exercise DVD.

I said, "Just get a bog-standard, like a beginner's guide,

"a very basic exercise DVD."

And he said, "No problem." He came home with Davina's Buff Your Abs.

I'll have to lose three stone before I can find me bloody abs.

I swapped it for the one that I wanted,

which was, you know, just Fat Lass Has A Go. You know.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Or the sequel, Fat Lass Tries Again.

LAUGHTER

I watched the first few minutes.

It's always a celebrity and a trainer.

A celebrity sells the DVDs and the trainer knows what they're doing.

In the first few minutes, they were laughing at nothing.

It was very unnerving.

And the trainer said to the celebrity...

SHE LAUGHS

"Why don't you tell the viewers at home

"what weight you were when you started this regime?"

And the celebrity went...

SHE LAUGHS

"When I started this regime, I was 10 stone."

LAUGHTER

I realised then that I'm aiming for her start weight.

LAUGHTER

But I like to eat. Is that so bad? I like to eat.

Sometimes I think I've got a tapeworm, but that it's just full.

LAUGHTER

I'm trying to eat more healthily. I had an apple the other day.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

I put it in me handbag on an optimistic Monday.

And by the Thursday, there weren't any KitKats left.

And I was starving. I thought, I'm gonna have to find it.

So I rooted around in me handbag and I found it.

It was prematurely bruised and battered.

It had pen on it.

LAUGHTER

But I was starving. So I peeled off the clean panty liner and I ate it.

GROANING

APPLAUSE

And it was all right. It was all right.

It reminded me of something I'd had years ago that I liked.

I was like, "What does it remind me of?" Toffee apples.

LAUGHTER

And we've got some recognisable faces in.

We've got Olympic medallist, Colin Jackson in!

APPLAUSE

Hello, love! So, Colin Jackson, you've got a safety net.

If things ever get tight money-wise,

you can just take your medals to Cash4Gold.

LAUGHTER

Who else have we got in? We've got Kerry Katona in.

CHEERING

Did you bring the buffet, pet? Cos that was the deal.

You lot can divide the prawn rings between yourselves,

but keep your hands off the bloody Viennetta, right?

We've got Andrew Castle in. Give us a cheer for Andrew Castle.

CHEERING

Former professional tennis player, Andrew Castle,

I believe. It's so nice to meet a bloke for whom 15 love is a score

rather than an idea of how long you should leave it after he's been in the bathroom.

Give it 15, love.

And we've got lovely Alex and Matt from the One Show!

CHEERING

You guys are on Twitter, aren't you? I like Twitter.

-Cheer if you're on Twitter.

-CHEERING

Loads of you. I like it, but it can sometimes be a little bit weird, can't it?

I got a message from a fella a few weeks ago and he said,

"I've got a bit of spare time on me hands

"and I don't know whether to watch some porn...or you."

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

-SHE LAUGHS

-He's in!

LAUGHTER

That struck me as being a little bit odd.

I don't know much about porn,

but from what I can gather, it's fantasy, isn't it?

It's supposed to be unachievable things.

Like having sex with two women at the same time.

-Or one. Er...

-LAUGHTER

He's fine, he's fine.

But I put myself firmly in the bracket of "achievable."

LAUGHTER

By that laughter, so do you, you shits!

LAUGHTER

So that man's fantasy is a middle-aged,

slightly-overweight woman who witters on.

Just wander around ASDA. There's hundreds of me!

LAUGHTER

Look along at the end of your sofa. You might be married to one of me.

LAUGHTER

But I live alone. Give us a cheer if you live alone.

CHEERING

A few of you. You sound very happy about it. Well done.

Something you might not know, people who live on their own,

is that you can still have breakfast in bed if you live on your own.

Listen up, bitches.

LAUGHTER

If I want breakfast in bed, what I do before I go to bed

is I put a Twix on the bedside cabinet.

LAUGHTER

And then when I wake up the next day, as me eyes are focusing,

I think, "There's a bloody Twix just there!"

LAUGHTER

But sometimes, there's just a wrapper.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've obviously got up for a wee in the night and gone, "Aah"!

Either that or the Tooth Fairy's moved over to the dark side.

LAUGHTER

But I'm in a relationship at the moment.

Give us a cheer all the couples in.

CHEERING

I've been with my fella for four years.

He's lovely. He bought a suit recently.

I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit. Quite fancied him in the suit.

I did. I think it was just the prospect of a regular income.

LAUGHTER

Do you get sick pay? Shut up!

I told him, I said I quite fancy you in the suit and he said, and I quote,

"If you like, I'll leave it on and sort you out all good and proper, all posh and that."

I said, "You forgot to say 'Miss Moneypenny' on the end".

We only have problems at present-giving time.

Christmases, birthdays, that sort of thing.

Cos my boyfriend likes to buy me surprises.

And I really don't like...surprises.

Anybody else who doesn't really like surprises? A few of you.

See, what we've done is we've got a happy medium now.

I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.

LAUGHTER

Five or six things. He picks one.

I don't know which one it is, so technically, it's a surprise.

It was my birthday at the end of May.

He came home a few days before and said, "You'll never guess what I've done!"

I said, "What have you done?" He said, "I've gone off-list."

LAUGHTER

He said, "I'm not sure you'll like it."

I said, "Why the hell did you buy it, then?

-LAUGHTER

-"..thank you."

LAUGHTER

A friend who doesn't know us well said, "That sounds like an engagement ring!"

I said, "No, it sounds like Kerplunk."

LAUGHTER

A couple of years ago, I had really bad flu,

couldn't get out of bed, felt terrible.

My boyfriend said, "I'll get you a present to cheer you up."

Now, I'm quite easy to cheer up.

I like flowers, chocolates. I'm a walking cliche.

My favourite flowers are daffodils, which were in season at the time,

and were everywhere in buckets for £1.00.

LAUGHTER

Chocolate-wise, I'm happy with a Twix or a Twirl,

so you're talking £1.60 and I'm champion.

LAUGHTER

He chose to disregard that relevant information

and bought something he thought was appropriate,

which was a Mr Potato Head.

LAUGHTER

I still don't really know why.

But, ironically, when I opened the box,

I wanted to re-arrange his bloody face.

LAUGHTER

But because we don't live together - we live 90 miles apart - perfect relationship...

LAUGHTER

..We often have times, three or four days a week, maybe, where we're alone. I quite like that.

I like sleeping in my own bed, alone. I like to do the starfish. I love it.

I absolutely love it. We all love our partners, but when they're there, they're all...

breathing, and that, and it's irritating.

LAUGHTER

My boyfriend snores. Have we got snorers in?

CHEERS

Not that many. What about people who think they're sitting beside a snorer?

-CHEERS

-Quite a lot more.

My boyfriend snores and we got some of those strips that you put across the bridge of your nose?

they're supposed to open your nostrils and make your airways clearer so that you don't snore.

In theory, they work. They worked until Christmas Day came. Something you need to know about me...

is that I really love Brussels sprouts.

LAUGHTER

Some of you are a little bit further ahead than others.

my boyfriend doesn't like Brussels sprouts, so at Christmas, we get a big bag and I ate the lot.

I don't mind telling you, I'm pretty toxic..

just before we went to bed on Christmas night, my boyfriend said,

"Do you mind if I don't put the strip on tonight?

"I don't want me nostrils to be any bigger than they absolutely have to be."

Another thing he does, he puts his arm across me in bed.

I quite like that, I feel quite safe and protected.

But then sometimes, he'll put his leg across and I think, "Oh, now you're taking the piss."

Last time he did it, he rubbed his foot up and down my leg.

Yeah, and he hasn't got terrific feet, they're just feet, you know?

They're just a little bit crusty.

There's...hard skin and long nails and hairs.

I said, "You look like you could pick up mice with those". They've got a...

..slightly owl-like quality to them.

So he rubbed his foot up and down me leg and I went,

"What you doing?"

LAUGHTER

And he went, "I'm being tender".

I said, "No, love - you're exfoliating".

But because we don't see each other as much as we'd like, we miss each other. So sometimes,

obviously we speak a lot on the phone and we text each other a lot,

but sometimes we send e-mails to each other

with photographs attached.

Not THOSE kind of photographs!

"Look what YOU'RE missing." No!

LAUGHTER

No, you might think this is a bit sad, but I think it's quite sweet

and I'm slightly wearing my heart on my sleeve even telling you this.

I'll give an example. The last one I sent was a photograph of a sad kitten,

and above it... This was the Friday, we were seeing each other again on Monday, and I'd written above it,

"This is how I feel".

-ALL:

-Aaah.

And he sent back a picture of a happy dog,

and above it he'd written,

"But this is what you'll be like on Monday".

And I looked at the bottom of the photograph and the dog had its leg in a cast.

LAUGHTER

It went straight from being quite a sweet message to an actual physical threat.

LAUGHTER

When you've been together a few years, you get to know each other a bit better,

and there are new things that pop up about each other

that turn each other on and you don't know this.

New things can pop up that turn you on

and they can pop up in the most unusual of places.

We were having a carvery.

(I love a carvery.)

And with his pudding, he got a jug of custard.

And he poured the custard onto his pudding

and then he licked the spout of the custard jug

and I was genuinely aroused!

LAUGHTER

I just leaned over to him and I went, "Get in the car."

LAUGHTER

Bring the custard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But I've always been quite a late developer.

You know when you find out about sex, about the birds and the bees...

Give us a cheer if you found out via your family?

-FAINT CHEER

-A few of you.

-And what about if you found out via friends?

-CHEERING

So quite a lot of you unaccounted for.

LAUGHTER

Do you just not know?

LAUGHTER

My mam bought me a book. I've still got it now. It's a book by Claire Rayner.

And it's got all of the parts of the body. It describes puberty.

And in it, they call your vagina...

LAUGHTER

..they call it a "baby-making hole".

LAUGHTER

Now, I don't have babies and I don't have any plans to have babies,

so I cannot call mine that, can I?

So I call mine my "cock cheerer-upperer".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I've always been quite cautious by nature.

I've got a friend who's got what I call a very dangerous lifestyle.

He thinks it's exciting, but I think it's dangerous.

To me, "exciting" is when you start a new tea towel.

LAUGHTER

Love it, love it. Ah! It's all been folded in the cupboard.

No? No? Just me.

But my friend has a very dangerous lifestyle.

He's quite open about his sexual exploits.

He said to me, "Have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink?

"I've had sex on a kitchen sink." And I said, "No."

I thought, "Am I a prude?" I don't think I am, but maybe I am.

So I said to me boyfriend, "Would, I mean, would you...

"Would you like to have sex on a kitchen sink?"

I get the impression it's supposed to be a bit more in the moment,

rather than just, "When you've done the dishes, get your arse on there."

LAUGHTER

He said, "Why would I want to have sex on a kitchen sink?

"That would be like eating your dinner out of a shoe."

LAUGHTER

And my friend said, "Have you ever had sex on a plane?"

He said, "I've had sex on a plane."

And I said, "No."

And he said, "That's dangerous. That's exciting."

I said, "Well, I suppose it is,

"but I think having a massive shit

"with a queue outside on a plane is more dangerous."

LAUGHTER

And I've definitely done that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And from the clapping, I can tell I'm not the only one.

We're all members of the Pile-High club.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What an absolutely glorious audience you are this evening.

Thank you so much for coming. You've got an amazing night ahead of you.

It's time to introduce our first act.

He's a good friend. I've gigged with him many times.

You're gonna absolutely love him.

Give him a warm welcome and welcome to the stage, Steve Hughes!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

Hello!

-London.

-CHEERING

All right. Excellent. How are you? My name's Steve.

I'm from Australia, actually.

CHEERING

Some of you have probably been, or thought about going to Australia

and then went, "H-H-How long does it take to get there?

LAUGHTER

"27 hours?

"In a plane?"

"27 hours in a tube of farts?"

LAUGHTER

That's a reality none of you really want to take on board, but that's what's really happening.

you're sitting there for a day and a half with 600 other people,

eating airline food - I'm telling you, someone is farting. Understand?

LAUGHTER

When you get to Australia, you think you've got jetlag -

I'm just telling you, it's not jetlag. Understand?

You've been basting.

It's a ridiculous distance for any place to be on earth - the next stop is the moon.

LAUGHTER

That's what it's like growing up there - you're standing there,

going, "What's the rest of the world doing? What are they up to? Can we join in?"

"No."

"Why not?" "Cos it's 12 hours' drive to the airport. Sit down."

LAUGHTER

And there's no one there.

It's a continent twice the size of Europe - there's 22 million people there. That's no one.

You want to see a queue, in Australia?

LAUGHTER

That's it.

They think it's crowded. And I've been to Mumbai, in India.

28 million people, one city.

That's crowded.

That's traffic.

Try putting health and safety regulations on these people.

They're selling raw chickens on a piece of cardboard in the sun.

It's a brilliant place. We're told in the West that we live in free countries,

but I don't think that's necessarily true all the time,

because freedom is a multi-faceted construct...

which extends beyond political ideology.

-Whoo!

-Yes.

And I've been to Mumbai. You can do whatever you want.

Break the law? Do whatever you want. Want to sell some socks on a bridge? Sell some socks on a bridge.

"Where's your shop, mate?" " Here."

"What do you want? I've got three socks, a battery and a hand grenade. You want it?"

LAUGHTER

It's brilliant. You want hang out of the train? You hang out of the train!

LAUGHTER

Get on the roof.

Want to go to the doctor? You don't have to. Why? There's an old bloke in the street with medicine.

You don't have to wait in a queue and ring up,

"Can I get an appointment, see a doctor and get a prescription?" No.

You buy it off THIS bloke in the STREET.

My mate in North London goes to me, "You'd buy MEDICINE off an old Indian bloke in the STREET?

I went, "For sure". He goes, "Why?" I said, "I'll tell you why, mate.

"Cos he's 300 years old, he's got one tooth and he lives in a bin. He's still alive!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's why.

He knows shit. Should I trust him or some bloke in Muswell Hill with six mortgages?

LAUGHTER

It's good to be here. Hammersmith Odeon.

I know it's the Apollo, but I call it the Odeon cos I'm old school.

LAUGHTER

I grew up with Motorhead, No Sleep Till Hammersmith. No Sleep Till Hammersmith Odeon. Exactly.

Whoo!

Old school. That's what it is.

I used to play in heavy metal bands. That's why I left Australia.

It doesn't like that stuff. I never suited Australia.

It's a weird place. My parents are British

and it's strange being a white man in a black man's country in the middle of Asia.

LAUGHTER

And the culture's strange. I never suited it, you know?

It's all based around sport and...racism. And, er...

LAUGHTER

I wasn't very good at either of them.

-LAUGHTER

-I didn't know what to kick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And so I've played in bands. I've played here, in 1989.

A heavy metal band. See, I love all forms of heavy metal.

I love heavy metal, thrash metal, black metal, death metal and, er...

Enya, actually.

LAUGHTER

I know you all think it's a bit of a joke. It's not a joke.

Most of you haven't listened to Slayer for eight hours in one day.

You get up to that type of nonsense, you do need something to relax in the afternoon.

LAUGHTER

I did that joke in London one night at the comedy store. This big geezer stands up and he goes,

"I bloody hate Enya".

You hate Enya?

That's a bit intense.

George Bush is alive...

LAUGHTER

George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Tony Blair, Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger...

See, these are global demons...

..and this is Enya.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Know what I'm talking about?

If you're going to hate, hate positively.

How can you be upset with Enya, really? It's just silence, coloured in.

LAUGHTER

That's all it is. It's like being upset with a waterfall.

Looking at a flower open and going, "That's disgusting".

Recently, we had a brilliant time. Recently, I just did a gig,

a comedy gig at a heavy metal festival in Derbyshire, called Bloodstock.

I don't even know why they bothered getting comics to do the festival.

Like most things, they've become corporate.

They stuck a theme park, like rides, within the confines of the grounds,

so that people would have something to do besides bands.

That made me think, "Why bother getting comedians?"

I got to tell you, there is nothing funnier than a Goth on a dodgem.

LAUGHTER

Get it?

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

And it got us out of London for the weekend

because that was the time you were having your riots, running around.

-Yeah. It was funny.

-LAUGHTER

Just listening to the reporting, that's what I found funny.

"Look at them!

"Looting!

"Bloody looters!

"Running around, looting!"

I'm going, "Yeah? Well, you know, ever been to the British Museum?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Where'd you get that Sphinx from - Norwich?"

LAUGHTER

"Is that your pyramid?" "Yeah, we found it in the Cotswolds!"

LAUGHTER

"It was under a hedge. Who'd have thought?"

LAUGHTER

You wouldn't have a museum if you didn't go looting.

Come to the British Museum and look at our...squirrel exhibit.

LAUGHTER

Put it in a Spitfire, make it look more interesting.

LAUGHTER

And help yourself to a Yorkshire pudding on the way out.

-LAUGHTER

-You know what I mean?

The lies we're inflicted with.

The War On Terror is the ultimate one.

How can you have a war on terror? This doesn't even make sense.

When's this going to end? When they've got the terror?

LAUGHTER

Relax. It's all gone.

We're moving on to horror next.

LAUGHTER

And get those Goths out of the dodgems for starters.

LAUGHTER

This is insanity. You can't have a war on terror.

"Having a war on terror, are you?" "That's right."

"What does war create?"

"Er...terror."

"Exactly!"

"So you're having a war against the consequence

"of the actions you're involved in."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Yeah."

"But, er...ours is good terror."

LAUGHTER

"It's good, peace, freedom-loving terror. You know?"

"Kind of like terror-light. You know?"

LAUGHTER

"Sort of a diet terror."

"Sort of, I Can't Believe It's Not Terror, you know?"

LAUGHTER

We deal with that, and then next, what do we deal with, while this is all happening?

"Oh, by the way, the planet's broken!"

"It's all warmed up.

"And, er, yeah, we have to fix it."

"Cos we've broken it."

"And, er...you know, we've done tests."

"Who has?" "You know, experts."

LAUGHTER

"Who are they?" "Oh, don't worry about it. They're here."

I don't even believe in it. People freak out. "You don't believe in it?!"

"I don't believe in it." "You have to believe in it. It's the law!"

"Well, it's not yet. I'm sure it will be. But until then, no."

Why should I believe in it?

They're dropping depleted uranium all over the Earth,

letting nuclear weapons off underneath the sea

and what are we gonna do?

Sit at home with a special light bulb and a shopping bag for life.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's all you have to do.

And at the end of the day,

while all this goes on, what else is happening?

Well, the X Factor's on the news.

LAUGHTER

This is not normal. It's a TV show.

Why is it on the news?

LAUGHTER

It's not normal!

When I grew up, The Price Is Right wasn't on the news.

No, this is not news. This is rubbish.

And I'm here to tell you people, being English,

the X Factor, what have you done?

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You started it.

You could stop it!

I know all countries now have got stupid shows, but you especially.

America are too far gone, it doesn't matter about them.

But you, what are you up to?

You can't have the X Factor.

You can't watch the X Factor. This is England!

You made Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden,

Venom, Motorhead,

Def Leppard, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones,

The Who, The Beatles, The Smiths, The Cure, The Damned,

The Jam, The Police, The Sex Pistols,

The Crush, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, Jarvis Cocker,

David Bowie, Queen,

Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Supertramp, Chemical Brothers and The Prodigy.

And if you're watching the X Factor after a resume like that,

I'm just telling you, you are a bit of a bastard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've been glorious. I hope you had an excellent time.

-See you soon. Cheers.

-APPLAUSE

Give it up for Steve Hughes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You've been an awesome audience. We've got one more act for you now.

I know you'll love him. He's one of my favourite comedians.

Please give a warm welcome to Russell Kane!

APPLAUSE

Hello. How you doing?

Give a wonderful round of applause for your host Sarah Millican.

I love you! CHEERING

Some of you are struggling to recognise me.

I couldn't look more different from last time.

So deep has the crisis in my life gone. Look at the state of me!

Look at me. I've gone from... My crisis is so bad,

I've gone for a makeover and come out the other end

looking like the aborted triplet of Jedward.

That's how serious it is. LAUGHTER

"Get rid of it, Mother, it's not one of ours!"

Single for the first time, ladies and gentlemen.

Single. For the first time in my life.

Half the room understanding, the other half going,

"How can you be single for the first time now?" Self-heckle, post-modern, relax.

Well, because like half the room, I'm a serial monogamist.

Pathetically going from one long-term relationship to the other

without an appropriate break

cos I can't watch a movie on my own, I can't have a meal on my own.

I need a partner at all times, never having a proper break.

The complete opposite to you annoying, emotionally-strong people.

Being single was exactly what I needed. It was good for me.

I got hobbies, friends, I saw my family,

and by the end, I was ready to love again. Bleurgh! All right?

LAUGHTER Be weak, like normal people!

Look at Kerry applauding that one. LAUGHTER

One relationship to the other.

"I'll never recover! It's only been three months since Kerry."

"Wait! You're showing me rudimentary kindness. Let's move in together!"

LAUGHTER

No break, no gap, just going from one...

It's a very different business, being a single guy.

I am straight. I should just clarify that.

Some of the larger men in the room are going, "Well, he's one of them. I can't laugh.

"He's definitely one of them."

"So heterosexual, I'm a bit disabled from it, I can't move."

"I'm so heterosexual, my bones are going for how much I want to smash his quiff!"

I'm straight, unit in the front row.

This is heterosexual masculinity. It's fine in London.

I like Liza Minnelli and a vag. I like a bit of both.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Look at the...

Thank you, feminism. This is what's come out the other end for men!

And the lies. At least women have the emotional literacy to moan about it.

"It's so horrible being objectified. What if I wanna be single?" Men lie.

Listen to the PR we put out, "What you talking about? It's great being single."

Thrusting while they talk. "You do what you like, whenever you like,

"with whichever girl, into whichever sock

"cos you don't get out the house cos I still love her, Gary!"

LAUGHTER

"I've been shitting in a carrier bag for a week, I'm so lonely!"

That's the reality of being the single guy.

Where's the support network?

If you and I were best mates, I can't turn up at your front door sobbing

and be assured of reassurance.

Girls have a much better support network.

If I hit a full kitchen floor reset,

I can't turn up at my best mate Scott...

I should define that term.

Because quite a young audience tonight, people at home.

A lot of people won't actually know

what a "kitchen floor reset" is, so I'll explain.

Who's aged between 17 and 21? Give me a cheer?

CHEERING

That's why. Kerry and I know, we know what a kitchen floor reset is.

Some of you are going, "Mum, do you remember when you used to see me cry?

"Not any more. I'm moving out. Here's my flat, here's my boyfriend."

# I'm an adult now I'm so grown up. #

LAUGHTER

In the next five to ten years, you'll have your first kitchen floor reset.

That's where you end up back at your mum's house on the floor like that.

HE SOBS

"I'm crying so much. Why does it hurt so much, Mum?

"I love him."

You'll see your own string of snot like that... HE SOBS

LAUGHTER

Girls can turn up no problem, with a double Elizabeth Duke of snot at the door.

Even if it's a reason.

"It's been seven years, I'm not ready to hold hands."

A good female friend. When my life went tits-up, Sarah was one of the people I called.

A good female friend is what you need.

Girls are much better. "Don't worry about it, tonight's not about boys.

"We're gonna go clubbing. If there's boys there, great, if not, who cares?

"Stop thinking about boys. We're gonna get drunk,

"have a dance. There's a boy, don't look at him! Tonight's about the girls.

"We'll go home, we'll make a pizza, put Bridget Jones on,

"you'll take my knickers off, I'll take yours off, we'll start lezzing." I'm sorry!

LAUGHTER Lost it.

APPLAUSE

Guys don't get trained by our dads, us heterosexual, single men, right.

We don't get trained about how to cope if we're single.

We get drenched in misogynistic, testosterone images.

"You must shag at all times." What if you can't?

What if you're emotionally incapable, if that makes sense?

I am straight. sometimes I look at myself and go, "WTF, but totes am, so..."

"Random. Why's he being so random? Say badger."

"Badger." "Oh, my God, he's so ground-breaking!"

LAUGHTER

Every girl, whether you were brought up by your mum,

your nan or an aunt, you had a female figure that always sat you down and went, "Babe?"

"I don't need the talk." "I want you to have fun tonight,

"but if at any point you change your mind, you call me,

"I will come out and get you in the Nissan Micra."

"Mum!" "Get a taxi, I will pay for it.

"I'll be in the cupboard, checking you're safe."

LAUGHTER

How many guys, especially if you're from my background -

white, working-class, shaven-headed, racist, Cockney dad.

My dad's got not one, not two,

but three ripples of meat between head and neck, yeah.

An Essex triple-ripple.

"Want me to carry a breeze block? Stick it in my triple ripple."

It's unthinkable that, if by some miracle,

I'd pulled a girl when I was 16,

my dad had sat me down and gone,

"I do want you to have fun tonight, son,

"but do not feel any pressure whatsoever to do anything sexual."

"Even though your virginity shames me on a daily basis, right."

"And down the pub, they call me Dave, the dad of the gayer."

LAUGHTER

That's the only thing which trumps my dad's racism,

is his virulent homophobia.

His fear that his eldest son might be gay. That's made me more camp.

There were streams of thin men running up to my bedroom.

I was into Dungeons And Dragons until I was 21.

"I'm gonna be a wizard tonight!"

He was like that downstairs, "They're up there bumming. I know they're bumming."

"Take it out of my son!" "What does expelliamus mean?"

LAUGHTER

The last time I did the Apollo, it was a couple of years ago.

It goes out... It was on TV in December and I had to face my dad that Christmas

having brought him to life like this on stage and I thought he was going to be angry.

I wasn't prepared for the softening of the Alpha's face,

tears glistening his silver back as he waited for me in the kitchen...

HE GRUNTS

I had to chuck a poo to show he was dominant.

LAUGHTER

This is what really happened. It was almost touching, Apollo.

You know what these dads are like. They suddenly show emotions once every eight Christmases,

they have too many Stellas and they do the wobble, like that.

"You're my boy, I never tell you I love you", that kind of thing. "Where's this coming from?!"

My dad had never said it and he's got the five-Stella wobble, the Christmas hat, he went "Come here".

He gets the programme name wrong all the time. "I saw you on that Live FROM The Apollo" just to wind me up.

"Why d'you make ee-ah-ut" - three-syllable Essex - "why d'you make ee-ah-ut...

Ee-ah-ut!

Why d'you make ee-ah-ut, right?

"Why d'you make ee-ah-ut I'm not a loving father?

I'm like, where is this coming from?

This is quite late in my childhood for this type of closure

and us men, we have to pretend we don't want it, but you do want to hear it.

If you're 50 and your dad's 70, you'll cry like a bitch if he uses the L word.

"Why d'you make out I'm not a loving father?" and I leant in for what I thought was going to be my closure.

D'you know what came out of his mouth as his masculinity kicked back in?

"Why d'you make out I'm not a loving father?

"I never bloody hit ya." That was it!

That's the total skills it takes to be Father Of The Year,

just don't beat your offspring in the face, that's all.

"I've not smashed my son's head in." Here comes Cilla with an award.

LAUGHTER

But he backed it up - it got better. "D'you know why I never hit you?"

"D'you know wh-uh-oo-ah?"

"D'you know why?"

And I leant in, "Why, Dad?"

I could've almost said DADDY, I'd regressed so much this point.

If you've got a dad like mine, you're eight when he looks at you.

You'll always be eight until he dies.

"D'you know why I never hit you, boy?" Why, Dad?

And this is what came out of his mouth - I was waiting for the love.

"It's cos if I'd started, I wouldn't have effin' stopped."

LAUGHTER

Murder! That's murder!

So one of the main problems... Is anyone else locked on this cycle

of get together every three years, break up, get together,

three years, break up, never get past three years, break up.

Starts to slowly dawn on you it might be you that's the nut job.

You'd never guess it to look at me, would you?

LAUGHTER

Maybe that's my curse. You've got to see the positive side - I'll always be meeting new people

and falling in love over and over again. Trouble is, as English people, it's not entirely pleasurable, is it?

We're not very good at it. We're not like the Americans and the French.

We're kind of rubbish. Especially guys - how difficult, trying to hide

that slightly psycho toddler temper for the first three months.

The first time you lose it like a nut job - "I'm nothing like your ex.

"I've done Buddhism in Thailand. I'm so chilled out, babe.

"Oh look, my car keys are missing. No reason to smash up the lounge, hah hah hah!"

"Oh look, a traffic jam - good! Let's play I Spy!"

"Let's kick the effin' sat-nav off the window, rrrr!"

That's what you secretly want to do. You go a few months till the first time you lose it. It's horrible.

That phase at the beginning where you're too shy to even poo

at a new girlfriend or boyfriend's house. "There's no poo in me, just Baudelaire and Beaujolais - look!"

LAUGHTER

I don't even have a bum hole - I've evolved it away.

There's a cubic zirconia where my rectum once was.

"For a QVC price..."

LAUGHTER

Do you know the moment where you've moved from love and romance into long-term love?

If you can pass this threshold, you are in long-term love.

Not many relationships can survive it and we've all been through it.

When your partner farts in the kitchen and you think they're speaking to you.

"Eh?"

PFT! "What was that?"

LAUGHTER

"Did you say you love me?"

No, I didn't.

I'm walking the dog! (I hate her so much.)

Do you know the prejudice? I'm now in one of the jobs where I'm not allowed to moan.

There's certain jobs you can do where you can't moan because everyone thinks your life must be brilliant.

It's fantastic doing this, but I'm not allowed to moan about being single.

I don't know if it translates at home, but in the audience,

you can feel the female laughter rising as the male laughter falls - they can't quite identify.

"What're you moaning about being single for? If I was in your position..."

Do girls not find it worrying that men will grit their teeth and thrust as they talk about sex?

What kind of Neanderthal is buried...?

"If I was in your position..."

At the bar, like that. "If I wasn't married to that...

"If I wasn't married to thaaaaat...

"I'd be..." Why're you gritting your teeth? We're talking about sex.

One of the most beautifully sensual...

"I went out on a date last night." "Did you bang her?"

"I'd have smashed her head in with a brick."

That's what my face says.

LAUGHTER

I don't want to be one of that team, girls.

Must be like a lesbian in a man's body or something.

Like you know the lowest moment?

I don't know if any of the people here that have been single have gone through this,

and it's not a male ailment. I'm not saying this to be misogynistic.

I'm sure girls get it. When your confidence goes so low,

you can only be aroused by someone with low self-esteem.

What a pathetic moment in a man or woman's life,

when the only person who can sexually arouse you has got no confidence whatsoever and they're broken.

You've got a funny walk, do you wanna go out for a Sloppy Giuseppe?

If there are any single girls with low self-esteem in The Apollo,

if you could just arrange yourself by the bins afterwards?

"I've got no confidence since I've split up with my husband.

"I hate the way I look." "Get in the van! You'll do, get in!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I hope it's not too long before I'm here again.

I've been Russell Kane. Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Give it up for Russell Kane!

-APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming out and joining us on Live At The Apollo.

You guys have been brilliant.

Please give a round of applause for tonight's acts. Steve Hughes!

APPLAUSE

Russell Kane.

APPLAUSE

And I've been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much. Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd