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# Oh, yeah! # | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - | 0:00:17 | 0:00:22 | |
Micky Flanagan! | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
Ah! Good evening, 'ammersmith! What's 'appening? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
Welcome to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING | 0:00:42 | 0:00:47 | |
Ah... | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Thank you for coming out, people. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Coming out to central London. Always a pain. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
You get on the Tube. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Looking at people with flip-flops on. LAUGHTER | 0:01:02 | 0:01:07 | |
I'm a Londoner myself. I get out of town quite a lot. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
People are happy everywhere else. Don't know if you've noticed. "How you doing?" they say. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:18 | |
"All right?" I say, "Just put the pasty in the bag, love." LAUGHTER | 0:01:18 | 0:01:23 | |
We're all busy people. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
So we've got Arg here. How you doin', Arg? What's happening, man? | 0:01:27 | 0:01:33 | |
I'll tell you what I did the other day as a bit of respect to the vajazzle. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:39 | |
I put a bit of Pritt Stick all over my bollocks... | 0:01:39 | 0:01:44 | |
dipped them in a bowl of glitter. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Ah! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
My wife was like, "Whoo! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
"Get that out, man. Get that out." | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
So... | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
I used to chase women quite a lot. Things were different back then. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
You had to go out on the hunt as a man in the '70s. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
You had to put a nice splash of Paco Rabanne on. You'd stand with your mates. There was no Facebook. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:12 | |
None of this nonsense. You went in cold! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
You went in cold. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
With your mates, Friday night, you've had a couple of pints of lager, shirt ironed, jeans pressed. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:26 | |
You say to your mates, "I'm going to go and get them birds over. When I bring 'em back, don't mess it up." | 0:02:28 | 0:02:34 | |
You walk over to them. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
Evening, ladies. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
I know it must have hurt when you fell from heaven. GROANS | 0:02:42 | 0:02:47 | |
Maybe my friends and I could ease the pain by buying you a few drinks. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:54 | |
No? Fair enough. LAUGHTER | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
Come on, we're going. We've only come in here on lesbian night, haven't we? | 0:02:59 | 0:03:05 | |
It's very nice that women don't have to worry about this nonsense now. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
If they fancy you in a nightclub, you're chatting to her, she says, "Shut up. Shut up! | 0:03:14 | 0:03:20 | |
"I'm going to sleep with you, brother. Calm down." | 0:03:20 | 0:03:25 | |
Takes you home and uses you. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
And you wake up in the morning a bit dishevelled. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
The cat's looking at you. The judgmental cat on the pine dresser. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:37 | |
But the worst thing that's happened, in all the commotion you've forgotten her name. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:49 | |
Now I'm old-fashioned. I think if you've trumped on someone's fanny, you should remember their name. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:55 | |
It's a bit of a rule of mine. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
So... | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
Go downstairs, go through the post. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Thinking! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
I'm a thinker! | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
Crafty, crafty Cockney! | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
I'll just have a look here... | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
Oh, I can't call her The Occupier. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
That would be a bit much. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
But I'm not so old-fashioned. If you slept with someone very quickly, | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
there may be something beyond lust. So you go on a date on a Wednesday after work. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:40 | |
Don't want to mess your weekend up. LAUGHTER | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
You go Express - Pizza Express. It's too soon for the Hut. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:49 | |
LAUGHTER Hut comes later. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
It's got to be Express, early days. Marblene table, flower. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:58 | |
LAUGHTER It's all going on. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Now she's thinking, "This geezer's all right. Bit of a stunner, not bad in the bedroom." | 0:05:01 | 0:05:08 | |
Then you start proving you've got half a brain. She thinks, "He's a potential boyfriend!" | 0:05:08 | 0:05:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
"Oooh! Potential boyfriend." | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Suddenly, you're getting this speech halfway through the Four Seasons. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:24 | |
"Listen, can I assure you, it's not my usual practice | 0:05:25 | 0:05:30 | |
"to sleep with men as quickly as I happen to have slept with you?" | 0:05:30 | 0:05:36 | |
And I'm like, "Relax, Home Owner. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
"Relax. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:44 | |
"We've got off to a bit of a shaky start. Let's have a bruschetta!" | 0:05:51 | 0:05:56 | |
So... | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
I'm settled down now. Met a very nice girl 10 years ago. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:05 | |
And, um...we were making love about...five years ago... | 0:06:06 | 0:06:12 | |
We've done it since. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
She said, "I want a baby!" | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
I said, "Well, come off the pill, I'll start leaving it in." | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
And so, um... | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
A bit boring, but necessary. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
So... | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
I started leaving it in. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
The child arrived. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
And to do the right thing, we went and bought an overpriced house to store him in for 16 years, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:45 | |
to give him half a chance. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
And we know it's a nice area. And you know why? Because people tend to say hello. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:53 | |
They're trying to create a bit of a village-y feel. Like a village. "Hello!" they say. | 0:06:53 | 0:07:00 | |
"Hello!" They come out the bushes. "Hello!" | 0:07:00 | 0:07:04 | |
I'm not big on the hello. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
I've looked into the whole issue. I'll tell you. Your neighbours either side, if you bump into them, | 0:07:12 | 0:07:18 | |
you have to say hello. A few doors either side of these people, these are optional. Optional. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:25 | |
They're neighbourly. Neighbourly. "Yes, hello!" | 0:07:25 | 0:07:30 | |
Beyond that, bollocks to them. LAUGHTER | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
It goes for two or three doors. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
Then you have an odd mark in your street, wants to say hello to everyone for no apparent reason. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:43 | |
We've got one. He's an old boy. He's got a rather sporty car. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
And he shows out. "Hello! Hello" | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
I've blanked him for about three years. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:54 | |
But the other day I'd had a couple of pints of Stella "Artoise". | 0:07:54 | 0:07:58 | |
It's a continental lager. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
And contrary to popular belief, it made me quite benevolent. I got quite friendly. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:07 | |
I cracked. I went past, I said hello and we had a chat about his motor. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:13 | |
Now we're mates. Now I've got to say hello to him for the rest of my life. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:19 | |
And this is what it can lead to. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
Went to drop the little boy off at his school. His Montessori school. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:26 | |
Where he learns through play. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
For £50 a day. LAUGHTER | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
Very giving people there, they are. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
And I saw him. "Morning," we said. "Morning! Morning!" | 0:08:34 | 0:08:39 | |
The big "good morning". Went indoors, had to get a pint of milk. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:43 | |
He's coming down the road again. The second meet's a bit awkward. You've done your big "good morning". | 0:08:43 | 0:08:50 | |
So we did what you do - the big eyebrow raise. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:54 | |
"Fancy bumping into you again. What a crazy world we live in." | 0:08:54 | 0:08:58 | |
Went indoors. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Ink cartridge has run out. I need another one. I'm going to the stationer's. He's coming again! | 0:09:00 | 0:09:07 | |
The third meet is one of the toughest social situations known to mankind. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:13 | |
But he knew the rules, as did I. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
We strapped in. As we passed each other, I said, "You're not following me, are you?" | 0:09:16 | 0:09:22 | |
He said, "We have to stop meeting like this!" | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
That's your standard cover for your third meet. Internationally known and respected. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:32 | |
But there's no cover for four. It's never been found. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:36 | |
I'm now trapped in the house for 24 hours before we're back on "hello". | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
Fair enough. Don't want to go out anyway. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
My wife, though, she said, "Pick my dress up from the cleaner's." I said, "No." | 0:09:46 | 0:09:51 | |
"What do you mean, no?!" I said, "You know the old boy with the sporty car? We say hello now. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:57 | |
"I've seen him three times already today. As you know, there's no cover for four." | 0:09:57 | 0:10:03 | |
She said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Go and get the dress, you arsehole!" | 0:10:05 | 0:10:11 | |
So I'm in a dodgy situation. I'll tell you what it led me to do, people. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:18 | |
For the first time in my adult life I've reached a position | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
where I'm peeping out of my own curtains. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
My aim being to see the old man leave his home and I shall run to the cleaner's and get back. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:35 | |
And I'm peeping. I made a discovery. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:40 | |
Peeping is fun. LAUGHTER | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
Because you're in a powerful position as a peeper. You're looking at people. They don't know. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:52 | |
However, the real fun starts when you're caught peeping. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:58 | |
LAUGHTER Cos a power struggle ensues between you, the peeper, | 0:10:58 | 0:11:03 | |
and what we'll now call the peepee. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Cos the peepee seizes power. They say, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping!" | 0:11:08 | 0:11:14 | |
At that point, you are duty bound to do one of two things. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:22 | |
You come out of the peep and start messing around with the window, thus throwing it into some doubt. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:28 | |
Your second option, and the far more common, is the good old-fashioned hide. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
So I'm pushing on. I'm loving the peeping. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
I made a discovery. I discovered the most fun you can have. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:49 | |
You're peeping. Fair enough. It's your right. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
You're caught peeping. The peepee seizes power! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:57 | |
They go, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping." | 0:11:57 | 0:12:02 | |
At that point they expect you to come out or hide. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
For maximum fun at that point, | 0:12:07 | 0:12:11 | |
you maintain the peep. LAUGHTER | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
This takes it to a whole new level. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
It's not for everyone. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
So... | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
We have to bring on our first guest of the evening. He's superb. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
Please welcome to this stage, Mr Seann Walsh! | 0:12:38 | 0:12:43 | |
CHEERING | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Hello, Apollo! | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
It's good to be here. Nice to be in London. Well done for coming out. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
Travelling through London. Very stressful, very tense. Well done. I couldn't live here. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:09 | |
I tried to move here towards the end of last year and I lasted about five minutes, | 0:13:09 | 0:13:15 | |
which in most towns isn't a long amount of time. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
But my God, your faces when it says five minutes for the Tube. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
It's like it says that your flight to Barbados has been cancelled forever. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
It's so stressful living here. You are the best at rushing. Do you know how good you are?! | 0:13:40 | 0:13:46 | |
You see a gap that big and think, "I'm getting through that gap!" | 0:13:46 | 0:13:51 | |
You jump to emphasise! It's amazing! | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
It's incredible! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
It's so hectic here! | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's very tiring. One day in London - knackered! | 0:14:04 | 0:14:10 | |
You can tell that people are knackered because they can fall asleep on the Tube standing up! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:17 | |
Then the bloke wakes up when the Tube stops. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:31 | 0:14:32 | |
What? | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
That's the wrong order, isn't it? | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
You see it every time, a bloke just standing... | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
Yeah, that's me, thank you. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
What? | 0:15:09 | 0:15:10 | |
What's going on? | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
That's the wrong order. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
That's like when your dad wakes up when you turn OFF the television. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
"I was watching that." "No, you weren't!" | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
I love watching television. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
I hate losing the remote control. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
Even if I'm not the one looking for it. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
Because the house just goes crazy. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
Why does no-one believe you when you say you are not sitting on the remote control? | 0:15:41 | 0:15:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
"I am not sitting on it! | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
"Leave me alone!" "Come on, just get up." | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
"I'm not! I told you! I would be able to feel it! Leave me alone!" | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
"Just get up." "I'm not getting up. I'm comfortable. Leave me alone!" | 0:15:59 | 0:16:04 | |
"Just get up." "Please go away." "Just get up." "Oh, for God's... | 0:16:04 | 0:16:08 | |
"Sorry, there you go. Sorry. Sorry. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
"I'm sorry. My arse can't feel it. For some reason, your arse can't feel a remote control. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:17 | |
"I'm very sorry. I'm sorry." | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
But a lot of people are cutting down on watching television. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:24 | |
You don't lose the remote control. People watch programmes on the laptop. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
I got the laptop. This has made me so lazy. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:33 | |
This is ruining my life. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
I don't even turn mine off any more. Do you? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
I just close it. I can't be bothered with all that "shut down - are you sure?" Questions, questions! | 0:16:38 | 0:16:44 | |
Leave me alone! | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
Mine's been on for years! | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
The poor thing's there just going, "I'm boiling! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:55 | |
"Please turn me off! | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
"Even the oven gets a break! Come on!" | 0:16:59 | 0:17:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
I got the laptop because I thought, "This will be brilliant. I'll have a computer on the move. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:16 | |
"I'll have a computer on the go. I'll be able to use the computer in the cafe, on the train like that. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:22 | |
"It'll be brilliant." | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
The only time I ever use my laptop, just like anyone else, is lying down in bed. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:30 | |
"That's it. I'm not moving. That's it." | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
You just lie there in that disgusting position. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
You know that position in bed that every one of your friends sees you in on Skype? | 0:17:37 | 0:17:42 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Hello. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
Yeah... | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
When you can't see them on Skype... You won't talk to them unless you can see them. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:59 | |
"Where are you? Where are you? Where are YOU? Where are you?" | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
When they pop up, you're not looking at them. You're looking at a picture of yourself. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:08 | |
You can't believe how much you look like a bear. "Why do I look so disgusting? Help me!" | 0:18:08 | 0:18:14 | |
That's the night-time position, that one. That's the night-time. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:19 | |
The daytime one is on the side, laptop on the bed like that. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Looks like you're on Babestation. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
"Call me. Call me. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
"Call me. Make sure you call me. Call me." | 0:18:30 | 0:18:34 | |
You know you get uncomfortable in bed and you want to turn round? | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
With the laptop, you just go like that. "That's better, watch it like that." You take that for granted. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:44 | |
Remember as a kid watching a film at night, TV on the side of the room, going, "I'm really enjoying this... | 0:18:44 | 0:18:51 | |
"I really want to turn round!" | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
You'd convince yourself that you'd listen for a bit... | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
"I'll just turn round for a bit and listen." | 0:18:58 | 0:19:02 | |
MIMICS SNORING | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
I can't get off the laptop. I can't get off any of these popular sites. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:17 | |
Facebook, yeah? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
I'm just like everyone else. I hate Facebook. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:23 | |
Can't get off the thing! | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
I can't get off it. It's horrible. I hate it. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:30 | |
The only redeeming feature that Facebook has is when you go to use it around a friend's | 0:19:30 | 0:19:36 | |
and they've left theirs logged in. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! | 0:19:46 | 0:19:50 | |
You "frape" them. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
This is what you do. If you don't know what "fraping" is, it's approaching somebody you care about, | 0:19:52 | 0:19:58 | |
someone that you love, approaching their laptop, a best friend, | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
going into their status update, writing anything, and making out that they've said it. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:08 | |
Fantastic. You could use your imagination. Write anything! | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
But we all write the same thing. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
"I love cock." | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I've been Seann Walsh. Good night! | 0:20:27 | 0:20:33 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second comedian for you this evening. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:52 | |
Please welcome to the stage Mr Jason Byrne! | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello! | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
The last time I was on Live At The Apollo, | 0:21:11 | 0:21:16 | |
and I'm pretty well known in Britain for a very odd thing now, | 0:21:16 | 0:21:20 | |
and it's for having a cockeye. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
Or a turned-in eye or a squint. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
Cos I did this material the last time I was here about having a cockeye and a squint | 0:21:26 | 0:21:31 | |
and it's now made me famous in Britain. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
It's a bit shit being famous for something like that cos I haven't written any cool songs or anything. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:40 | |
-Has anybody in this room got a cockeye or a squint? -Yeah! | 0:21:40 | 0:21:45 | |
Look, see! It's brilliant because I've brought them out. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
Normally, your eye will turn in if you get excited. It's really handy when I'm in bed with my wife | 0:21:48 | 0:21:54 | |
and I'm making love to her and my eye is literally facing my nose. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
It's going... | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
"Is this OK, is it? Is this OK, yeah?" | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
I'm so excited, I don't know my eye has turned in. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:07 | |
She's just going, "Just get off me, just get off me. I can't stop laughing. Get off me. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:13 | |
"Go and get your patch." I have a patch. I have to wear a patch in bed. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:18 | |
It's like a pirate's patch. It's humiliating. Back in, off I go again. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:23 | |
Because I remember being young. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
When I was young, sex was on tap. It was brilliant. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
Whenever you wanted, "Let's do it." Turn round to your girlfriend, "Let's go." | 0:22:30 | 0:22:35 | |
"Really? Here?" "Yeah, who cares? Come on." "Chicka-chicka-chicka!" | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
It doesn't make that noise, in case there are any young people in here. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:43 | |
I don't want any young men here going, "Why does it sound like maracas?" | 0:22:43 | 0:22:48 | |
That would be good fun - behind your wife with a set of maracas. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:54 | |
MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
Actually, I tell you what, lads. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
Feck this! Tomorrow, go and buy a pair of maracas, yeah? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:04 | |
Go and buy a pair of maracas, right? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
Hide them in the bed covers. Make sure the missus doesn't find them. Hide them in there, OK? | 0:23:07 | 0:23:13 | |
When you're behind her... This is the telly. There's people watching. We could get in trouble. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:19 | |
You know when she's like that and you're like that, that way, this way, that way? | 0:23:19 | 0:23:24 | |
The way that men love, this way, that way? Women hate that way. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:28 | |
You like the missionary position and men hate that way because we have to look at you and do as we're told. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:35 | |
At your missus. "I'm watching you, I'm watching you. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
"I've got my eye on you. That's it." | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
It's much better, isn't it, lads, on our own, behind? It's great fun. "Come on, yeah!" | 0:23:42 | 0:23:48 | |
You can do what you want, give yourself the thumbs-up. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:52 | |
"She can't see it. Yeah, go ahead, do it." | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
You could do anything. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
No, the maracas. Yeah, sorry, get the maracas. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
And you're behind the missus. Sneak them out. Don't let her see them. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
Sneak out the maracas and just as you're behind her, start shaking them. Just go... | 0:24:10 | 0:24:15 | |
MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
She's bound to go, "Oh, my God, what the hell is that?" | 0:24:17 | 0:24:21 | |
Just go, "That's just me banging off your bum." | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
Because as I say, sex was brilliant - the madness, going away on dirty weekends. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:32 | |
Just get into the hotel room, you've kicked the door, you didn't even try the card, throwing your clothes off, | 0:24:32 | 0:24:38 | |
sticking strawberries up each other's arses, having a laugh, | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
rubbing cream on each other. "Here, stick your knob in the wax!" "Why?" | 0:24:42 | 0:24:47 | |
It was madness. We weren't even thinking, you know? | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
Now when you go away with the missus, oh, my God, it's just nuts. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
She's standing there going, "Right, this is going to be a crazy weekend, an absolutely crazy weekend." | 0:24:58 | 0:25:04 | |
She starts folding the clothes on the chair. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
"Yeah, we're going to go ballistic-arooney here. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:11 | |
"Oh, it's going to be a lovely, sexy weekend. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
"Should I iron them before I get into bed?" | 0:25:15 | 0:25:19 | |
Meanwhile, next door, that couple you used to be are going nuts. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:26 | |
He's banging her head off the headboard. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
I mean, with my wife, the last time I banged her head off the headboard, | 0:25:30 | 0:25:35 | |
all I got was...boof! "Eh, take it easy... | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
"Take it easy there. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
"I didn't ask you to fix the headboard with my head, did I? | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
"Now shimmy down. Shimmy down the bed. Shimmy down." | 0:25:47 | 0:25:51 | |
That's how sad your life gets. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
You can't even bother disconnecting any more. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
Like two flies flying around in the summer having sex, | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
"Just shimmy down, I can't be arsed. Shimmy down, shimmy down. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:07 | |
"Right, off you go, off you go. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
"Take it easy. I said, take it easy, didn't I? Take it easy! | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
"Mind the lamps, the bedside lamps. You'll knock them off the bed. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
"Take it easy! The bedside lamps! | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
"Right, I'll hold them. You go ahead! | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
"Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're enjoying yourself." | 0:26:26 | 0:26:30 | |
It's just shit! | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
I know what we'll do. I tell you what we'll do. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
Let's bring other instruments into the bedroom. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
Yeah, OK. Oh, yeah, sneak... | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
Sneak a... Yeah, sneak a tuba into the bedroom. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
Sneak a tuba. Oh, no, sorry. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
That's a trombone. That's a trombone. Don't sneak a tuba into the bedroom! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:53 | |
HUMS LOW NOTES | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
"Where are you going with that?" | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
"What? I was going to put it in the bed covers and hide it." | 0:27:13 | 0:27:18 | |
No, don't do that. Get a trombone. Get a trombone, right? | 0:27:18 | 0:27:22 | |
Get it right at her bum there, so she can't... | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
She's going to see it. It's a trombone. You're going to get caught. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
You'll probably never have sex ever again, but you'll have the best laugh of your life, right? | 0:27:29 | 0:27:36 | |
It'll be something to tell your grandchildren one day. "You won't believe what I did to your granny?" | 0:27:36 | 0:27:42 | |
Right, get the trombone and get it right behind her on the bum and just hold it there. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:48 | |
Then you've got to get this tune right. Practise before you do it. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:52 | |
You'll only get one bash at this. Hold it at the bum. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
Just as she's getting to the... SINGS HIGH NOTES | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
She's going nuts and she's loving it. SINGS HIGH NOTES | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
As she's about to explode, you go... | 0:28:02 | 0:28:05 | |
MIMICS TROMBONE: Buh-uhh-uhh! | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million! | 0:28:09 | 0:28:13 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:13 | 0:28:17 | |
Jason Byrne! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
CHEERING | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
All it needs for me to do is to ask you to give a massive round of applause | 0:28:28 | 0:28:34 | |
for the two acts you saw this evening - first, Mr Seann Walsh! | 0:28:34 | 0:28:38 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:38 | 0:28:40 | |
Mr Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
You have been superb. Thank you very much. Good night! | 0:28:44 | 0:28:48 | |
Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011 | 0:29:06 | 0:29:10 | |
Email [email protected] | 0:29:10 | 0:29:13 |