Episode 1 Live at the Apollo


Episode 1

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Transcript


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# Oh, yeah! #

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight -

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Micky Flanagan!

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CHEERING

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Ah! Good evening, 'ammersmith! What's 'appening?

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING

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Ah...

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Thank you for coming out, people.

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Coming out to central London. Always a pain.

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You get on the Tube.

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Looking at people with flip-flops on. LAUGHTER

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I'm a Londoner myself. I get out of town quite a lot.

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People are happy everywhere else. Don't know if you've noticed. "How you doing?" they say.

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"All right?" I say, "Just put the pasty in the bag, love." LAUGHTER

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We're all busy people.

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So we've got Arg here. How you doin', Arg? What's happening, man?

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I'll tell you what I did the other day as a bit of respect to the vajazzle.

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I put a bit of Pritt Stick all over my bollocks...

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dipped them in a bowl of glitter.

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Ah!

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My wife was like, "Whoo!

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"Get that out, man. Get that out."

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So...

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I used to chase women quite a lot. Things were different back then.

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You had to go out on the hunt as a man in the '70s.

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You had to put a nice splash of Paco Rabanne on. You'd stand with your mates. There was no Facebook.

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None of this nonsense. You went in cold!

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You went in cold.

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With your mates, Friday night, you've had a couple of pints of lager, shirt ironed, jeans pressed.

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You say to your mates, "I'm going to go and get them birds over. When I bring 'em back, don't mess it up."

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You walk over to them.

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Evening, ladies.

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I know it must have hurt when you fell from heaven. GROANS

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Maybe my friends and I could ease the pain by buying you a few drinks.

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No? Fair enough. LAUGHTER

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Come on, we're going. We've only come in here on lesbian night, haven't we?

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It's very nice that women don't have to worry about this nonsense now.

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If they fancy you in a nightclub, you're chatting to her, she says, "Shut up. Shut up!

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"I'm going to sleep with you, brother. Calm down."

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Takes you home and uses you.

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And you wake up in the morning a bit dishevelled.

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The cat's looking at you. The judgmental cat on the pine dresser.

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But the worst thing that's happened, in all the commotion you've forgotten her name.

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Now I'm old-fashioned. I think if you've trumped on someone's fanny, you should remember their name.

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It's a bit of a rule of mine.

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So...

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Go downstairs, go through the post.

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LAUGHTER

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Thinking!

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I'm a thinker!

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Crafty, crafty Cockney!

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I'll just have a look here...

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Oh, I can't call her The Occupier.

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That would be a bit much.

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But I'm not so old-fashioned. If you slept with someone very quickly,

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there may be something beyond lust. So you go on a date on a Wednesday after work.

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Don't want to mess your weekend up. LAUGHTER

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You go Express - Pizza Express. It's too soon for the Hut.

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LAUGHTER Hut comes later.

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It's got to be Express, early days. Marblene table, flower.

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LAUGHTER It's all going on.

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Now she's thinking, "This geezer's all right. Bit of a stunner, not bad in the bedroom."

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Then you start proving you've got half a brain. She thinks, "He's a potential boyfriend!"

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LAUGHTER

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"Oooh! Potential boyfriend."

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Suddenly, you're getting this speech halfway through the Four Seasons.

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"Listen, can I assure you, it's not my usual practice

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"to sleep with men as quickly as I happen to have slept with you?"

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And I'm like, "Relax, Home Owner.

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"Relax.

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"We've got off to a bit of a shaky start. Let's have a bruschetta!"

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So...

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I'm settled down now. Met a very nice girl 10 years ago.

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And, um...we were making love about...five years ago...

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We've done it since.

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She said, "I want a baby!"

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I said, "Well, come off the pill, I'll start leaving it in."

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And so, um...

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A bit boring, but necessary.

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So...

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I started leaving it in.

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The child arrived.

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And to do the right thing, we went and bought an overpriced house to store him in for 16 years,

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to give him half a chance.

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And we know it's a nice area. And you know why? Because people tend to say hello.

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They're trying to create a bit of a village-y feel. Like a village. "Hello!" they say.

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"Hello!" They come out the bushes. "Hello!"

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I'm not big on the hello.

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I've looked into the whole issue. I'll tell you. Your neighbours either side, if you bump into them,

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you have to say hello. A few doors either side of these people, these are optional. Optional.

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They're neighbourly. Neighbourly. "Yes, hello!"

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Beyond that, bollocks to them. LAUGHTER

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It goes for two or three doors.

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Then you have an odd mark in your street, wants to say hello to everyone for no apparent reason.

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We've got one. He's an old boy. He's got a rather sporty car.

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And he shows out. "Hello! Hello"

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I've blanked him for about three years.

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But the other day I'd had a couple of pints of Stella "Artoise".

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It's a continental lager.

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And contrary to popular belief, it made me quite benevolent. I got quite friendly.

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I cracked. I went past, I said hello and we had a chat about his motor.

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Now we're mates. Now I've got to say hello to him for the rest of my life.

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And this is what it can lead to.

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Went to drop the little boy off at his school. His Montessori school.

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Where he learns through play.

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For £50 a day. LAUGHTER

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Very giving people there, they are.

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And I saw him. "Morning," we said. "Morning! Morning!"

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The big "good morning". Went indoors, had to get a pint of milk.

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He's coming down the road again. The second meet's a bit awkward. You've done your big "good morning".

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So we did what you do - the big eyebrow raise.

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"Fancy bumping into you again. What a crazy world we live in."

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Went indoors.

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Ink cartridge has run out. I need another one. I'm going to the stationer's. He's coming again!

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The third meet is one of the toughest social situations known to mankind.

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But he knew the rules, as did I.

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We strapped in. As we passed each other, I said, "You're not following me, are you?"

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He said, "We have to stop meeting like this!"

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That's your standard cover for your third meet. Internationally known and respected.

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But there's no cover for four. It's never been found.

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I'm now trapped in the house for 24 hours before we're back on "hello".

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Fair enough. Don't want to go out anyway.

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My wife, though, she said, "Pick my dress up from the cleaner's." I said, "No."

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"What do you mean, no?!" I said, "You know the old boy with the sporty car? We say hello now.

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"I've seen him three times already today. As you know, there's no cover for four."

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She said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Go and get the dress, you arsehole!"

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So I'm in a dodgy situation. I'll tell you what it led me to do, people.

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For the first time in my adult life I've reached a position

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where I'm peeping out of my own curtains.

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My aim being to see the old man leave his home and I shall run to the cleaner's and get back.

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And I'm peeping. I made a discovery.

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Peeping is fun. LAUGHTER

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Because you're in a powerful position as a peeper. You're looking at people. They don't know.

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However, the real fun starts when you're caught peeping.

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LAUGHTER Cos a power struggle ensues between you, the peeper,

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and what we'll now call the peepee.

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LAUGHTER

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Cos the peepee seizes power. They say, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping!"

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At that point, you are duty bound to do one of two things.

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You come out of the peep and start messing around with the window, thus throwing it into some doubt.

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Your second option, and the far more common, is the good old-fashioned hide.

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APPLAUSE

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So I'm pushing on. I'm loving the peeping.

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I made a discovery. I discovered the most fun you can have.

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You're peeping. Fair enough. It's your right.

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You're caught peeping. The peepee seizes power!

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They go, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping."

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At that point they expect you to come out or hide.

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For maximum fun at that point,

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you maintain the peep. LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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This takes it to a whole new level.

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It's not for everyone.

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So...

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We have to bring on our first guest of the evening. He's superb.

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Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING

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Please welcome to this stage, Mr Seann Walsh!

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CHEERING

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Hello, Apollo!

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It's good to be here. Nice to be in London. Well done for coming out.

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Travelling through London. Very stressful, very tense. Well done. I couldn't live here.

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I tried to move here towards the end of last year and I lasted about five minutes,

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which in most towns isn't a long amount of time.

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But my God, your faces when it says five minutes for the Tube.

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LAUGHTER

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It's like it says that your flight to Barbados has been cancelled forever.

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LAUGHTER

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It's so stressful living here. You are the best at rushing. Do you know how good you are?!

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You see a gap that big and think, "I'm getting through that gap!"

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You jump to emphasise! It's amazing!

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It's incredible!

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It's so hectic here!

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And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's very tiring. One day in London - knackered!

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You can tell that people are knackered because they can fall asleep on the Tube standing up!

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Then the bloke wakes up when the Tube stops.

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LAUGHTER

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What?

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That's the wrong order, isn't it?

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You see it every time, a bloke just standing...

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, that's me, thank you.

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What?

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What's going on?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That's the wrong order.

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That's like when your dad wakes up when you turn OFF the television.

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"I was watching that." "No, you weren't!"

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I love watching television.

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I hate losing the remote control.

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Even if I'm not the one looking for it.

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Because the house just goes crazy.

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Why does no-one believe you when you say you are not sitting on the remote control?

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LAUGHTER

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"I am not sitting on it!

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"Leave me alone!" "Come on, just get up."

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"I'm not! I told you! I would be able to feel it! Leave me alone!"

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"Just get up." "I'm not getting up. I'm comfortable. Leave me alone!"

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"Just get up." "Please go away." "Just get up." "Oh, for God's...

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"Sorry, there you go. Sorry. Sorry.

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"I'm sorry. My arse can't feel it. For some reason, your arse can't feel a remote control.

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"I'm very sorry. I'm sorry."

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But a lot of people are cutting down on watching television.

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You don't lose the remote control. People watch programmes on the laptop.

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I got the laptop. This has made me so lazy.

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This is ruining my life.

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I don't even turn mine off any more. Do you?

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I just close it. I can't be bothered with all that "shut down - are you sure?" Questions, questions!

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Leave me alone!

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Mine's been on for years!

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The poor thing's there just going, "I'm boiling!

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"Please turn me off!

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"Even the oven gets a break! Come on!"

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APPLAUSE

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I got the laptop because I thought, "This will be brilliant. I'll have a computer on the move.

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"I'll have a computer on the go. I'll be able to use the computer in the cafe, on the train like that.

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"It'll be brilliant."

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The only time I ever use my laptop, just like anyone else, is lying down in bed.

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"That's it. I'm not moving. That's it."

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You just lie there in that disgusting position.

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You know that position in bed that every one of your friends sees you in on Skype?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Hello.

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Yeah...

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When you can't see them on Skype... You won't talk to them unless you can see them.

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"Where are you? Where are you? Where are YOU? Where are you?"

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When they pop up, you're not looking at them. You're looking at a picture of yourself.

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You can't believe how much you look like a bear. "Why do I look so disgusting? Help me!"

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That's the night-time position, that one. That's the night-time.

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The daytime one is on the side, laptop on the bed like that.

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LAUGHTER

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Looks like you're on Babestation.

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"Call me. Call me.

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"Call me. Make sure you call me. Call me."

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You know you get uncomfortable in bed and you want to turn round?

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With the laptop, you just go like that. "That's better, watch it like that." You take that for granted.

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Remember as a kid watching a film at night, TV on the side of the room, going, "I'm really enjoying this...

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"I really want to turn round!"

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You'd convince yourself that you'd listen for a bit...

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"I'll just turn round for a bit and listen."

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MIMICS SNORING

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APPLAUSE

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I can't get off the laptop. I can't get off any of these popular sites.

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Facebook, yeah?

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I'm just like everyone else. I hate Facebook.

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Can't get off the thing!

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I can't get off it. It's horrible. I hate it.

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The only redeeming feature that Facebook has is when you go to use it around a friend's

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and they've left theirs logged in.

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LAUGHTER

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Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!

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Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!

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You "frape" them.

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This is what you do. If you don't know what "fraping" is, it's approaching somebody you care about,

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someone that you love, approaching their laptop, a best friend,

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going into their status update, writing anything, and making out that they've said it.

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Fantastic. You could use your imagination. Write anything!

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But we all write the same thing.

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"I love cock."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I've been Seann Walsh. Good night!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second comedian for you this evening.

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Please welcome to the stage Mr Jason Byrne!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!

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The last time I was on Live At The Apollo,

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and I'm pretty well known in Britain for a very odd thing now,

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and it's for having a cockeye.

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Or a turned-in eye or a squint.

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Cos I did this material the last time I was here about having a cockeye and a squint

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and it's now made me famous in Britain.

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It's a bit shit being famous for something like that cos I haven't written any cool songs or anything.

0:21:340:21:40

-Has anybody in this room got a cockeye or a squint?

-Yeah!

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Look, see! It's brilliant because I've brought them out.

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Normally, your eye will turn in if you get excited. It's really handy when I'm in bed with my wife

0:21:480:21:54

and I'm making love to her and my eye is literally facing my nose.

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It's going...

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"Is this OK, is it? Is this OK, yeah?"

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I'm so excited, I don't know my eye has turned in.

0:22:030:22:07

She's just going, "Just get off me, just get off me. I can't stop laughing. Get off me.

0:22:070:22:13

"Go and get your patch." I have a patch. I have to wear a patch in bed.

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It's like a pirate's patch. It's humiliating. Back in, off I go again.

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Because I remember being young.

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When I was young, sex was on tap. It was brilliant.

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Whenever you wanted, "Let's do it." Turn round to your girlfriend, "Let's go."

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"Really? Here?" "Yeah, who cares? Come on." "Chicka-chicka-chicka!"

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It doesn't make that noise, in case there are any young people in here.

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I don't want any young men here going, "Why does it sound like maracas?"

0:22:430:22:48

That would be good fun - behind your wife with a set of maracas.

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MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS

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Actually, I tell you what, lads.

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Feck this! Tomorrow, go and buy a pair of maracas, yeah?

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Go and buy a pair of maracas, right?

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Hide them in the bed covers. Make sure the missus doesn't find them. Hide them in there, OK?

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When you're behind her... This is the telly. There's people watching. We could get in trouble.

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You know when she's like that and you're like that, that way, this way, that way?

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The way that men love, this way, that way? Women hate that way.

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You like the missionary position and men hate that way because we have to look at you and do as we're told.

0:23:280:23:35

At your missus. "I'm watching you, I'm watching you.

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"I've got my eye on you. That's it."

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It's much better, isn't it, lads, on our own, behind? It's great fun. "Come on, yeah!"

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You can do what you want, give yourself the thumbs-up.

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"She can't see it. Yeah, go ahead, do it."

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You could do anything.

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No, the maracas. Yeah, sorry, get the maracas.

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And you're behind the missus. Sneak them out. Don't let her see them.

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Sneak out the maracas and just as you're behind her, start shaking them. Just go...

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MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS

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She's bound to go, "Oh, my God, what the hell is that?"

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Just go, "That's just me banging off your bum."

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LAUGHTER

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Because as I say, sex was brilliant - the madness, going away on dirty weekends.

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Just get into the hotel room, you've kicked the door, you didn't even try the card, throwing your clothes off,

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sticking strawberries up each other's arses, having a laugh,

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rubbing cream on each other. "Here, stick your knob in the wax!" "Why?"

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It was madness. We weren't even thinking, you know?

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Now when you go away with the missus, oh, my God, it's just nuts.

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She's standing there going, "Right, this is going to be a crazy weekend, an absolutely crazy weekend."

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She starts folding the clothes on the chair.

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"Yeah, we're going to go ballistic-arooney here.

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"Oh, it's going to be a lovely, sexy weekend.

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"Should I iron them before I get into bed?"

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Meanwhile, next door, that couple you used to be are going nuts.

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He's banging her head off the headboard.

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I mean, with my wife, the last time I banged her head off the headboard,

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all I got was...boof! "Eh, take it easy...

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"Take it easy there.

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"I didn't ask you to fix the headboard with my head, did I?

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"Now shimmy down. Shimmy down the bed. Shimmy down."

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That's how sad your life gets.

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You can't even bother disconnecting any more.

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Like two flies flying around in the summer having sex,

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"Just shimmy down, I can't be arsed. Shimmy down, shimmy down.

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"Right, off you go, off you go.

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"Take it easy. I said, take it easy, didn't I? Take it easy!

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"Mind the lamps, the bedside lamps. You'll knock them off the bed.

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"Take it easy! The bedside lamps!

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"Right, I'll hold them. You go ahead!

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"Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're enjoying yourself."

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It's just shit!

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I know what we'll do. I tell you what we'll do.

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Let's bring other instruments into the bedroom.

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Yeah, OK. Oh, yeah, sneak...

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Sneak a... Yeah, sneak a tuba into the bedroom.

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Sneak a tuba. Oh, no, sorry.

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That's a trombone. That's a trombone. Don't sneak a tuba into the bedroom!

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HUMS LOW NOTES

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APPLAUSE

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"Where are you going with that?"

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"What? I was going to put it in the bed covers and hide it."

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No, don't do that. Get a trombone. Get a trombone, right?

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Get it right at her bum there, so she can't...

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She's going to see it. It's a trombone. You're going to get caught.

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You'll probably never have sex ever again, but you'll have the best laugh of your life, right?

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It'll be something to tell your grandchildren one day. "You won't believe what I did to your granny?"

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Right, get the trombone and get it right behind her on the bum and just hold it there.

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Then you've got to get this tune right. Practise before you do it.

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You'll only get one bash at this. Hold it at the bum.

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Just as she's getting to the... SINGS HIGH NOTES

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She's going nuts and she's loving it. SINGS HIGH NOTES

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As she's about to explode, you go...

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MIMICS TROMBONE: Buh-uhh-uhh!

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APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Jason Byrne!

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CHEERING

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All it needs for me to do is to ask you to give a massive round of applause

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for the two acts you saw this evening - first, Mr Seann Walsh!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Mr Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You have been superb. Thank you very much. Good night!

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Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

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Email [email protected]

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