Episode 1 Live at the Apollo

# Oh, yeah! #

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight -

Micky Flanagan!

CHEERING

Ah! Good evening, 'ammersmith! What's 'appening?

Welcome to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING

Ah...

Thank you for coming out, people.

Coming out to central London. Always a pain.

You get on the Tube.

Looking at people with flip-flops on. LAUGHTER

I'm a Londoner myself. I get out of town quite a lot.

People are happy everywhere else. Don't know if you've noticed. "How you doing?" they say.

"All right?" I say, "Just put the pasty in the bag, love." LAUGHTER

We're all busy people.

So we've got Arg here. How you doin', Arg? What's happening, man?

I'll tell you what I did the other day as a bit of respect to the vajazzle.

I put a bit of Pritt Stick all over my bollocks...

dipped them in a bowl of glitter.

Ah!

My wife was like, "Whoo!

"Get that out, man. Get that out."

So...

I used to chase women quite a lot. Things were different back then.

You had to go out on the hunt as a man in the '70s.

You had to put a nice splash of Paco Rabanne on. You'd stand with your mates. There was no Facebook.

None of this nonsense. You went in cold!

You went in cold.

With your mates, Friday night, you've had a couple of pints of lager, shirt ironed, jeans pressed.

You say to your mates, "I'm going to go and get them birds over. When I bring 'em back, don't mess it up."

You walk over to them.

Evening, ladies.

I know it must have hurt when you fell from heaven. GROANS

Maybe my friends and I could ease the pain by buying you a few drinks.

No? Fair enough. LAUGHTER

Come on, we're going. We've only come in here on lesbian night, haven't we?

It's very nice that women don't have to worry about this nonsense now.

If they fancy you in a nightclub, you're chatting to her, she says, "Shut up. Shut up!

"I'm going to sleep with you, brother. Calm down."

Takes you home and uses you.

And you wake up in the morning a bit dishevelled.

The cat's looking at you. The judgmental cat on the pine dresser.

But the worst thing that's happened, in all the commotion you've forgotten her name.

Now I'm old-fashioned. I think if you've trumped on someone's fanny, you should remember their name.

It's a bit of a rule of mine.

So...

Go downstairs, go through the post.

LAUGHTER

Thinking!

I'm a thinker!

Crafty, crafty Cockney!

I'll just have a look here...

Oh, I can't call her The Occupier.

That would be a bit much.

But I'm not so old-fashioned. If you slept with someone very quickly,

there may be something beyond lust. So you go on a date on a Wednesday after work.

Don't want to mess your weekend up. LAUGHTER

You go Express - Pizza Express. It's too soon for the Hut.

LAUGHTER Hut comes later.

It's got to be Express, early days. Marblene table, flower.

LAUGHTER It's all going on.

Now she's thinking, "This geezer's all right. Bit of a stunner, not bad in the bedroom."

Then you start proving you've got half a brain. She thinks, "He's a potential boyfriend!"

LAUGHTER

"Oooh! Potential boyfriend."

Suddenly, you're getting this speech halfway through the Four Seasons.

"Listen, can I assure you, it's not my usual practice

"to sleep with men as quickly as I happen to have slept with you?"

And I'm like, "Relax, Home Owner.

"Relax.

"We've got off to a bit of a shaky start. Let's have a bruschetta!"

So...

I'm settled down now. Met a very nice girl 10 years ago.

And, um...we were making love about...five years ago...

We've done it since.

She said, "I want a baby!"

I said, "Well, come off the pill, I'll start leaving it in."

And so, um...

A bit boring, but necessary.

So...

I started leaving it in.

The child arrived.

And to do the right thing, we went and bought an overpriced house to store him in for 16 years,

to give him half a chance.

And we know it's a nice area. And you know why? Because people tend to say hello.

They're trying to create a bit of a village-y feel. Like a village. "Hello!" they say.

"Hello!" They come out the bushes. "Hello!"

I'm not big on the hello.

I've looked into the whole issue. I'll tell you. Your neighbours either side, if you bump into them,

you have to say hello. A few doors either side of these people, these are optional. Optional.

They're neighbourly. Neighbourly. "Yes, hello!"

Beyond that, bollocks to them. LAUGHTER

It goes for two or three doors.

Then you have an odd mark in your street, wants to say hello to everyone for no apparent reason.

We've got one. He's an old boy. He's got a rather sporty car.

And he shows out. "Hello! Hello"

I've blanked him for about three years.

But the other day I'd had a couple of pints of Stella "Artoise".

It's a continental lager.

And contrary to popular belief, it made me quite benevolent. I got quite friendly.

I cracked. I went past, I said hello and we had a chat about his motor.

Now we're mates. Now I've got to say hello to him for the rest of my life.

And this is what it can lead to.

Went to drop the little boy off at his school. His Montessori school.

Where he learns through play.

For £50 a day. LAUGHTER

Very giving people there, they are.

And I saw him. "Morning," we said. "Morning! Morning!"

The big "good morning". Went indoors, had to get a pint of milk.

He's coming down the road again. The second meet's a bit awkward. You've done your big "good morning".

So we did what you do - the big eyebrow raise.

"Fancy bumping into you again. What a crazy world we live in."

Went indoors.

Ink cartridge has run out. I need another one. I'm going to the stationer's. He's coming again!

The third meet is one of the toughest social situations known to mankind.

But he knew the rules, as did I.

We strapped in. As we passed each other, I said, "You're not following me, are you?"

He said, "We have to stop meeting like this!"

That's your standard cover for your third meet. Internationally known and respected.

But there's no cover for four. It's never been found.

I'm now trapped in the house for 24 hours before we're back on "hello".

Fair enough. Don't want to go out anyway.

My wife, though, she said, "Pick my dress up from the cleaner's." I said, "No."

"What do you mean, no?!" I said, "You know the old boy with the sporty car? We say hello now.

"I've seen him three times already today. As you know, there's no cover for four."

She said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Go and get the dress, you arsehole!"

So I'm in a dodgy situation. I'll tell you what it led me to do, people.

For the first time in my adult life I've reached a position

where I'm peeping out of my own curtains.

My aim being to see the old man leave his home and I shall run to the cleaner's and get back.

And I'm peeping. I made a discovery.

Peeping is fun. LAUGHTER

Because you're in a powerful position as a peeper. You're looking at people. They don't know.

However, the real fun starts when you're caught peeping.

LAUGHTER Cos a power struggle ensues between you, the peeper,

and what we'll now call the peepee.

LAUGHTER

Cos the peepee seizes power. They say, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping!"

At that point, you are duty bound to do one of two things.

You come out of the peep and start messing around with the window, thus throwing it into some doubt.

Your second option, and the far more common, is the good old-fashioned hide.

APPLAUSE

So I'm pushing on. I'm loving the peeping.

I made a discovery. I discovered the most fun you can have.

You're peeping. Fair enough. It's your right.

You're caught peeping. The peepee seizes power!

They go, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping."

At that point they expect you to come out or hide.

For maximum fun at that point,

you maintain the peep. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This takes it to a whole new level.

It's not for everyone.

So...

We have to bring on our first guest of the evening. He's superb.

Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING

Please welcome to this stage, Mr Seann Walsh!

CHEERING

Hello, Apollo!

It's good to be here. Nice to be in London. Well done for coming out.

Travelling through London. Very stressful, very tense. Well done. I couldn't live here.

I tried to move here towards the end of last year and I lasted about five minutes,

which in most towns isn't a long amount of time.

But my God, your faces when it says five minutes for the Tube.

LAUGHTER

It's like it says that your flight to Barbados has been cancelled forever.

LAUGHTER

It's so stressful living here. You are the best at rushing. Do you know how good you are?!

You see a gap that big and think, "I'm getting through that gap!"

You jump to emphasise! It's amazing!

It's incredible!

It's so hectic here!

And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's very tiring. One day in London - knackered!

You can tell that people are knackered because they can fall asleep on the Tube standing up!

Then the bloke wakes up when the Tube stops.

LAUGHTER

What?

That's the wrong order, isn't it?

You see it every time, a bloke just standing...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that's me, thank you.

What?

What's going on?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's the wrong order.

That's like when your dad wakes up when you turn OFF the television.

"I was watching that." "No, you weren't!"

I love watching television.

I hate losing the remote control.

Even if I'm not the one looking for it.

Because the house just goes crazy.

Why does no-one believe you when you say you are not sitting on the remote control?

LAUGHTER

"I am not sitting on it!

"Leave me alone!" "Come on, just get up."

"I'm not! I told you! I would be able to feel it! Leave me alone!"

"Just get up." "I'm not getting up. I'm comfortable. Leave me alone!"

"Just get up." "Please go away." "Just get up." "Oh, for God's...

"Sorry, there you go. Sorry. Sorry.

"I'm sorry. My arse can't feel it. For some reason, your arse can't feel a remote control.

"I'm very sorry. I'm sorry."

But a lot of people are cutting down on watching television.

You don't lose the remote control. People watch programmes on the laptop.

I got the laptop. This has made me so lazy.

This is ruining my life.

I don't even turn mine off any more. Do you?

I just close it. I can't be bothered with all that "shut down - are you sure?" Questions, questions!

Leave me alone!

Mine's been on for years!

The poor thing's there just going, "I'm boiling!

"Please turn me off!

"Even the oven gets a break! Come on!"

APPLAUSE

I got the laptop because I thought, "This will be brilliant. I'll have a computer on the move.

"I'll have a computer on the go. I'll be able to use the computer in the cafe, on the train like that.

"It'll be brilliant."

The only time I ever use my laptop, just like anyone else, is lying down in bed.

"That's it. I'm not moving. That's it."

You just lie there in that disgusting position.

You know that position in bed that every one of your friends sees you in on Skype?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Yeah...

When you can't see them on Skype... You won't talk to them unless you can see them.

"Where are you? Where are you? Where are YOU? Where are you?"

When they pop up, you're not looking at them. You're looking at a picture of yourself.

You can't believe how much you look like a bear. "Why do I look so disgusting? Help me!"

That's the night-time position, that one. That's the night-time.

The daytime one is on the side, laptop on the bed like that.

LAUGHTER

Looks like you're on Babestation.

"Call me. Call me.

"Call me. Make sure you call me. Call me."

You know you get uncomfortable in bed and you want to turn round?

With the laptop, you just go like that. "That's better, watch it like that." You take that for granted.

Remember as a kid watching a film at night, TV on the side of the room, going, "I'm really enjoying this...

"I really want to turn round!"

You'd convince yourself that you'd listen for a bit...

"I'll just turn round for a bit and listen."

MIMICS SNORING

APPLAUSE

I can't get off the laptop. I can't get off any of these popular sites.

Facebook, yeah?

I'm just like everyone else. I hate Facebook.

Can't get off the thing!

I can't get off it. It's horrible. I hate it.

The only redeeming feature that Facebook has is when you go to use it around a friend's

and they've left theirs logged in.

LAUGHTER

Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!

Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!

You "frape" them.

This is what you do. If you don't know what "fraping" is, it's approaching somebody you care about,

someone that you love, approaching their laptop, a best friend,

going into their status update, writing anything, and making out that they've said it.

Fantastic. You could use your imagination. Write anything!

But we all write the same thing.

"I love cock."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I've been Seann Walsh. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second comedian for you this evening.

Please welcome to the stage Mr Jason Byrne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!

The last time I was on Live At The Apollo,

and I'm pretty well known in Britain for a very odd thing now,

and it's for having a cockeye.

Or a turned-in eye or a squint.

Cos I did this material the last time I was here about having a cockeye and a squint

and it's now made me famous in Britain.

It's a bit shit being famous for something like that cos I haven't written any cool songs or anything.

-Has anybody in this room got a cockeye or a squint?

-Yeah!

Look, see! It's brilliant because I've brought them out.

Normally, your eye will turn in if you get excited. It's really handy when I'm in bed with my wife

and I'm making love to her and my eye is literally facing my nose.

It's going...

"Is this OK, is it? Is this OK, yeah?"

I'm so excited, I don't know my eye has turned in.

She's just going, "Just get off me, just get off me. I can't stop laughing. Get off me.

"Go and get your patch." I have a patch. I have to wear a patch in bed.

It's like a pirate's patch. It's humiliating. Back in, off I go again.

Because I remember being young.

When I was young, sex was on tap. It was brilliant.

Whenever you wanted, "Let's do it." Turn round to your girlfriend, "Let's go."

"Really? Here?" "Yeah, who cares? Come on." "Chicka-chicka-chicka!"

It doesn't make that noise, in case there are any young people in here.

I don't want any young men here going, "Why does it sound like maracas?"

That would be good fun - behind your wife with a set of maracas.

MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS

Actually, I tell you what, lads.

Feck this! Tomorrow, go and buy a pair of maracas, yeah?

Go and buy a pair of maracas, right?

Hide them in the bed covers. Make sure the missus doesn't find them. Hide them in there, OK?

When you're behind her... This is the telly. There's people watching. We could get in trouble.

You know when she's like that and you're like that, that way, this way, that way?

The way that men love, this way, that way? Women hate that way.

You like the missionary position and men hate that way because we have to look at you and do as we're told.

At your missus. "I'm watching you, I'm watching you.

"I've got my eye on you. That's it."

It's much better, isn't it, lads, on our own, behind? It's great fun. "Come on, yeah!"

You can do what you want, give yourself the thumbs-up.

"She can't see it. Yeah, go ahead, do it."

You could do anything.

No, the maracas. Yeah, sorry, get the maracas.

And you're behind the missus. Sneak them out. Don't let her see them.

Sneak out the maracas and just as you're behind her, start shaking them. Just go...

MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS

She's bound to go, "Oh, my God, what the hell is that?"

Just go, "That's just me banging off your bum."

LAUGHTER

Because as I say, sex was brilliant - the madness, going away on dirty weekends.

Just get into the hotel room, you've kicked the door, you didn't even try the card, throwing your clothes off,

sticking strawberries up each other's arses, having a laugh,

rubbing cream on each other. "Here, stick your knob in the wax!" "Why?"

It was madness. We weren't even thinking, you know?

Now when you go away with the missus, oh, my God, it's just nuts.

She's standing there going, "Right, this is going to be a crazy weekend, an absolutely crazy weekend."

She starts folding the clothes on the chair.

"Yeah, we're going to go ballistic-arooney here.

"Oh, it's going to be a lovely, sexy weekend.

"Should I iron them before I get into bed?"

Meanwhile, next door, that couple you used to be are going nuts.

He's banging her head off the headboard.

I mean, with my wife, the last time I banged her head off the headboard,

all I got was...boof! "Eh, take it easy...

"Take it easy there.

"I didn't ask you to fix the headboard with my head, did I?

"Now shimmy down. Shimmy down the bed. Shimmy down."

That's how sad your life gets.

You can't even bother disconnecting any more.

Like two flies flying around in the summer having sex,

"Just shimmy down, I can't be arsed. Shimmy down, shimmy down.

"Right, off you go, off you go.

"Take it easy. I said, take it easy, didn't I? Take it easy!

"Mind the lamps, the bedside lamps. You'll knock them off the bed.

"Take it easy! The bedside lamps!

"Right, I'll hold them. You go ahead!

"Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're enjoying yourself."

It's just shit!

I know what we'll do. I tell you what we'll do.

Let's bring other instruments into the bedroom.

Yeah, OK. Oh, yeah, sneak...

Sneak a... Yeah, sneak a tuba into the bedroom.

Sneak a tuba. Oh, no, sorry.

That's a trombone. That's a trombone. Don't sneak a tuba into the bedroom!

HUMS LOW NOTES

APPLAUSE

"Where are you going with that?"

"What? I was going to put it in the bed covers and hide it."

No, don't do that. Get a trombone. Get a trombone, right?

Get it right at her bum there, so she can't...

She's going to see it. It's a trombone. You're going to get caught.

You'll probably never have sex ever again, but you'll have the best laugh of your life, right?

It'll be something to tell your grandchildren one day. "You won't believe what I did to your granny?"

Right, get the trombone and get it right behind her on the bum and just hold it there.

Then you've got to get this tune right. Practise before you do it.

You'll only get one bash at this. Hold it at the bum.

Just as she's getting to the... SINGS HIGH NOTES

She's going nuts and she's loving it. SINGS HIGH NOTES

As she's about to explode, you go...

MIMICS TROMBONE: Buh-uhh-uhh!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jason Byrne!

CHEERING

All it needs for me to do is to ask you to give a massive round of applause

for the two acts you saw this evening - first, Mr Seann Walsh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mr Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You have been superb. Thank you very much. Good night!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

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