Episode 2 Live at the Apollo


Episode 2

Sean Lock hosts from the world-famous Hammersmith Apollo. Special guests include the inimitable Ed Byrne and the well good Lee Nelson.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - Sean Lock!

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CHEERING

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I drove here tonight and on the way I stopped to get some petrol in a petrol station.

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A lot of petrol stations are like this these days,

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they were selling booze in the petrol station.

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That's a bit weird, isn't it?

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They don't sell ordinary booze, like Fosters, yeah?

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I'd call that a driving beer, wouldn't you?

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Couple of cans of that! There! Eh?!

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At this petrol station they were selling Special Brew!

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In a petrol station. You can't drive after a can of that!

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You couldn't operate a brush!

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Last time I had a can of Special Brew within 10 minutes

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I was shouting at lollipop ladies.

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You safety bitches!

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Special Brew, you never see it advertised, do you?

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That's cos there's no point

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cos the people who drink it can't be reached by "normal advertising."

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If you want to advertise to them,

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you've got to book space on the side of stray dogs.

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I go to a lot of kids' parties.

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With my kids. Obviously, I don't just...

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LAUGHTER

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I don't just turn up - "I'm on telly, I love cake. Let me in."

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I was at this kid's party the other day

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and they were all dressed as pirates.

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Kids running around dressed as pirates. I thought it was weird.

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Basically, pirates are rapists, thieves and murderers

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and now they're loveable children's characters.

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I find that a bit odd.

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What if you go to a kid's party in 100 years' time,

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they'll all be dressed as terrorists.

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And instead of saying "shiver me timbers!"

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they'll go, "I spit on your decadent Western ways."

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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"Oh, he's funny. He's funny, in't he? Yeah."

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"Now, put your rucksack on and enjoy the party, off you go!"

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I tell you, the worst thing about kids' parties is

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when your kids are going, they want to make a card.

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Oh, Christ, I hate that! "Can we make a card?" "Oh, no! Bollocks!"

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Cos you've got to get the glitter out, haven't you?

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Oh, I hate that shit!

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I can't stand, it gets everywhere, doesn't it, glitter?

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It's all on your clothes, all over you

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and it leaves a trail wherever you go.

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No wonder Gary got caught!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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We've got some well-known faces in the crowd tonight.

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Sarah Beeny's here. Hello, Sarah. Thank you for coming along.

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I heard you run an online dating website, don't you?

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Is that like the old-fashioned dating websites?

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I did one of those years ago. You know when you fill out a form

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and they match you up with somebody who filled out the form same as you.

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I did one of those.

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And it sort of worked but there were certain things that I like doing

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which weren't on the form.

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You have presumptions, don't you?

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I thought because she ticked "country walks "and adventurous personality",

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she would enjoy badger baiting.

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And there's some people from Made In Chelsea here.

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SCATTERED CHEERS

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Hello. Welcome. You're Ollie Lock, aren't you?

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People often ask me if we're related, and I say,

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"Yeah, he's my sister."

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LAUGHTER

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And we've got Oliver Phelps in from the Harry Potter films.

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Where's Oliver?

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Hello, Oliver, thanks for coming. So, Emma and Daniel couldn't make it tonight?

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Interesting fact about Emma Watson, I don't know if you know this,

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but did you know that The Sun newspaper

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had a countdown to Emma Watson's 16th birthday?

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They did, I'm not making that up.

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They had a countdown to her 16th birthday.

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And I was thinking, imagine if I did that?

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If I followed 15-year-old girls round the streets.

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Five days to go-o-o!

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We're all very excited. Ha-ha-ha!

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Look, I made an Advent calendar to count it down.

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I think I'd end up on the front page of The Sun, wouldn't I?

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One of the things I've become interested in recently is female role models.

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That's something that's appeared recently on my radar of concerns

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cos I've got two daughters.

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Before I had daughters, I wasn't bothered about it, didn't really interest me at all.

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To be honest with you, I didn't give a shit.

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If you'd said, "How do you feel about

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"how women are represented in the media and the subsequent effect on young women?"

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I'd have just gone...

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES TO A TUNE

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Gargle-argle-argle. Does that answer your question?

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I cared more about the new font on my local takeaway menu.

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I liked the old one.

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But I've changed because it is something that concerns me,

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it will affect me.

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Somebody who's always seen as a negative role model for women

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is someone like Jordan.

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The only two issues I have with her, one is -

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the name - changing her name from Jordan to Katie Price.

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I thought that was a bit weird.

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That's a bit like Noddy announcing

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his real name is Derek Jarvis, isn't it?

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"Yes, I still drive the little car, wear the hat

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"but I'm a bit more mature now, I've moved on."

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Another issue with Katie Price is the tan.

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A tan can look nice but she's gone way too far, hasn't she?

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She's now the colour of a hangover piss, isn't she?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You know, some mornings you look down and go, "What was I drinking?!"

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"Lizards?!"

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I do, I take issue with that because, you know,

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I had skin cancer a long time ago.

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I didn't catch it through sunbeds, no,

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I used to work on building sites for many years.

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You work with your shirt off and it's quite hard to persuade

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a big Irish foreman to rub a bit of Ambre Solaire in your back.

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"Oi, Mick! Mi-ick!

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"You wouldn't be a poppet, would you?"

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But someone who I think is actually a very positive role model

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for young women is Madonna.

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I think she's an unsung hero. She's so uncompromising.

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She doesn't any crap, she does things exactly how she wants to do.

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And also, she's quite a pioneer, Madonna.

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She was the first person to use these headset mics.

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It was either her or McDonald's, I'm not sure who got there first.

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She was the first one.

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She needed them for her special dancing cos she invented that dance.

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All the pop stars do it now, you know this dance, that dance.

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Madonna invented that.

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When they move around the stage like that and they go.

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I don't know what that means. Like, "Wait till I get you home."

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And she'd be moving up and down the stage

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and she'd have like a push-up bra on and a leotard

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and it was a very good way for her to show off

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all her sexual wares and get about.

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There's all me bits!

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-AUSSIE ACCENT:

-"Yeah, mate, this is my top sexy area.

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Sorry, I can't do accents.

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My American comes out Australian, sorry about that.

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"Yeah, this is my top sexy area here. Yeah.

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"Yeah, mate, you can have a whole heap of fun with that, yeah.

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"We call it Happy Valley!

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"Now, moving on down here, this is a totally different zone!

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"This is Party Town!

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"You get anywhere near that, mate, you're a lucky rooster!

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"Movin' on round the back here, we call this Jackpot City!

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"You get near that, mate, it's your birthday!"

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I've worked out, right, that Madonna's dancing,

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basically all these years Madonna's dancing is

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milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made.

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APPLAUSE

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That's what she's been doing all these years.

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She has a choreographer at the side of the stage shouting them out.

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"Milk, milk! Lemonade! Lemonade! Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!

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"Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate! Milk! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade!

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"Lemonade! Chocolate! Lemonade! Chocolate! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk!

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"Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate!

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"Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade!"

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm fascinated by her, cos she's such an overtly sexual woman.

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She's very...rrr!

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But not in a seductive, enticing way, is it?

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It's very confrontational, bit like, "Grr! Go on! Grr!

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"Think you want a go on that? Go on! Grr!"

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Imagine, if you had the opportunity to have sex with Madonna, it'd be

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a bit like taking a penalty against Peter Shilton in his heyday.

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-"Come on, do you think you can get one in?"

-LAUGHTER

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"No chance!"

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She's terrifying, isn't she?

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And have you seen her arms?! Christ's sakes!

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-She's got the arms of a scaffolder, that woman!

-LAUGHTER

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Imagine THOSE coming near your genitals. Jesus Christ!

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It'd just be like that. Boom! "Oh, bloody hell, Madonna!

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"Ooh! Oh, crikey! Ooh!

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"Woo, that was quick!

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"Ooh!

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"Ah!"

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"Yeah, I'll do you again if you want! Ha-ha!"

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Boom! "Oh!"

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"Once I did Guy Ritchie five times in a MINUTE!

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"He's a broken man now!

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"He wets the bed."

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"Oh, God!"

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It'd be like those things that take tyres off in Formula One, wouldn't it?

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Boom-boom, boom-boom!

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LAUGHTER

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She fascinates me.

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I mean, if I had the opportunity to have sex with Madonna -

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I don't know how that's going to come about.

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Scratch card - "Ooh!

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"I've won! Ha-ha!"

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At first, you'd be quite excited.

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Then you'd be on the plane over to America with a whisky,

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going, "Bloody hell!

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"I've got to have sex with Madonna!"

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And you get to a hotel suite in LA, knock on the door.

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Inside, it's just pitch black darkness.

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And all you can hear is Madonna, scampering about.

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LAUGHTER

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"ALL RIGHT, SEAN?

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"Have you come to get your prize, Sean?

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"I'm ready for ya!"

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Switch the light on, there's just bones everywhere.

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So are you ready for the first act of the evening?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Please put your hands together,

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go crazy for a wonderful comedian,

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Mr Ed Byrne!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for that lovely welcome.

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I was hearing that we're actually nicer to animals than we are to each other sometimes.

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I have proof of this. We have a cat in our house.

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Now, I'm not a cat person,

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cos I was never bitten by a radioactive cat.

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But we have a cat. LAUGHTER

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And the reason we have a cat is proof that we're nicer to animals.

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Cos the reason we have a cat is

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we found a cat by our bins. He looked hungry, so now he lives with us.

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LAUGHTER

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You wouldn't do that for a human being, would you?

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"All right mate, what're you doing by the bins? You all right there? What are you doing? Just hungry, are you?

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"D'you want to live in the house?" LAUGHTER

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"Come on in, not a problem. On you go.

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"It's much better than being by the bins. No, don't get a job,

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"just live here, we'll buy your food,

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"and in exchange, could you just shit everywhere?

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"Could you do that?

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"That seems like a good deal, doesn't it?

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"This is the living room. If you could slowly but surely destroy the furniture?

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"Just a little bit every day, just a little bit. We'd appreciate that.

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"This is where me and the wife watch TV. While we're doing that,

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"could you just show us your arse? Could you do that?

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"In exchange for room and board, could you just back up towards us

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"with your pink balloon knot on display?

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"We'd appreciate that.

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"Is that everything? Sorry, one more thing. I know we're asking a lot.

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"But we are letting you live here rent-free and we are buying your food

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"for you. Could you just, when I'm on me own in the house,

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"could you jump on the back of my chair and frighten the shit out of me? Just now and again!

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"Not so often that it becomes commonplace.

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"Not often enough that I get used to it. Just rare enough that every time

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"it happens, I actually think I'm going to die. Could you do that?

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"Welcome aboard!

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"Honey, the man we found by our bins wants to sleep in our bed with us tonight. Is that OK?

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"Apparently that's fine, it's not a problem.

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"Apparently it's not even weird.

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"No, don't have a bath, just lick yourself. That'll do.

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"Just lick your rancid hole right in front of us, you filthy animal."

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LAUGHTER

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The way it was sold to me that the cat would live with us

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was he'd keep away the mice - weird bargaining chip for my wife,

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cos I don't give a shit about mice.

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I think mice are a better pet than the average cat.

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Because they're just as cute as a cat, but you don't have to buy or open

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the food for them - they just eat whatever's lying around.

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You go on holiday, you don't need someone to feed your mice.

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Mice are a handy pet. Not as handy as a tapeworm -

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"I'll have whatever you're having." A tapeworm is a very handy pet.

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But I know that my wife doesn't like mice.

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So what she doesn't like, I don't like.

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And if she's happy, I'm happy.

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So the cat will keep away the mice, job's a good'un.

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But he doesn't! He doesn't keep away mice. He brings mice in!

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Mice that had no intention of coming anywhere near the house.

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Mice that live in a field across the road from the house.

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The cat will find them, bring them in alive,

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play with them for a bit and then just get distracted.

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"Ooh, a sunbeam!" And let them go! We've more mice in the house now than we did before we had a cat!

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Cos he keeps getting them from the wild and releasing them into captivity.

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LAUGHTER

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And it's not just mice. It's like a nature documentary in my house now.

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I'd never seen a vole before.

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Didn't know what a vole looked like till I found a dead one in me shoe.

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LAUGHTER A pheasant.

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A fully-grown hen pheasant.

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That's the biggest thing the cat's brought in still alive so far.

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Which I know does make it sound like he's brought in bigger things than that dead.

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Two wolves and a postman, just in case you're wondering.

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A pheasant. Have you ever had a little bird,

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like a blue tit or a chaffinch get into your house?

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They suddenly seem huge, don't they?

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Suddenly, you're being terrorised by this winged beast.

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See a pheasant? They're big outside!

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They're big in your garden. See when you're in your living room? They're gigantic!

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Cos certain things seem bigger inside than they do outside, that's just

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a trick of perspective. That's why a car showroom works as a concept,

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cos a car indoors looks a lot bigger than a car outside on a forecourt.

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Sales psychology. Certain things seem bigger inside than they do outside.

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And you ladies would do well to bear that in mind. Boom!

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Anyway, I come down the stairs,

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and there's this pheasant, which incidentally,

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wasn't keen on moving out, once it had tasted the high life of Casa Byrne!

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I don't know if he'd said to the pheasant, "Just show them

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"your arse now and again, they'll feed you. They're idiots.

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LAUGHTER

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And I'm looking at the cat like I'm annoyed at him, but I'm also quite impressed at what he's done.

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The cat's looking back at me, like he's impressed with himself.

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But he's also quite scared of what he's wrought on the house.

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Cat's looking at me, going, "I know, it's massive, isn't it?!"

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LAUGHTER

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"I'll be honest, I thought it was big when it was OUTSIDE! But...

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"Now I've brought it in, I'm scared to go near it. It's huge, look at it!

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"Anyway, I got you this.

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"If you don't want it, put it on eBay, I don't really give a shit."

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I'm making fun of the cat, I'm slagging the cat - it's my nature.

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But I actually did grow to quite like him. I did develop a certain level

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of grudging affection for the cat.

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But we had a step back in our relationship recently.

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The first time I saw him kill and eat a mouse right in front of me.

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Then there's a far more malevolent force living in your house.

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He was there with this mouse on the welcome mat. On the welcome mat!

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Did you know that cats have a sense of irony? I did not.

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Welcome to your doom!

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LAUGHTER

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And he's just playing with this mouse, and it's horrible,

0:18:460:18:50

and the mouse is fighting back like it has a chance,

0:18:500:18:52

and he's letting it go and catching it again.

0:18:520:18:55

And then it was just so callous. He suddenly just flipped a switch, "I tire of you now."

0:18:550:18:59

Ksshhh! Tossed it into his gob and ate it in three gulps.

0:18:590:19:02

Bones crunching and everything, tail falls there, guts fall there.

0:19:020:19:08

And then, the cat just looked at me.

0:19:080:19:11

He just looked right at me as if to say, "See that?

0:19:110:19:15

"Now we know what I'm capable of.

0:19:160:19:18

"We'll have no more of this dry food bullshit, yeah?

0:19:210:19:24

"There's my little arse."

0:19:250:19:28

Apollo, you've been lovely, thank you for listening, I've been Ed Byrne, cheers.

0:19:320:19:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:370:19:40

Ed Byrne, ladies and gentlemen!

0:19:470:19:50

OK, are you ready for the next act of the evening?

0:19:530:19:56

CHEERING

0:19:560:19:59

Please put your hands together for Lee Nelson!

0:19:590:20:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:030:20:06

Hello! Hello! Hello!

0:20:130:20:15

Hello! Hello! Hello! Aw'ight, Apollo?

0:20:150:20:19

CHEERING

0:20:190:20:22

Yes, I am in the mood of my life, I've just had a second kid!

0:20:220:20:28

WHOOPING

0:20:280:20:30

Yeah! We had an 'ome delivery, which is in-cred-ible!

0:20:300:20:37

The midwife come round the house and they got my missus on the floor,

0:20:370:20:41

they stripped her off, give her a load of drugs

0:20:410:20:44

and told her it wouldn't hurt.

0:20:440:20:46

I pissed myself, cos that is exactly how I got her preggers!

0:20:460:20:50

We're a properly family now. We've got my six-year-old boy, Stairwell.

0:20:550:21:01

Don't laugh at Stairwell, man, we done a Posh and Becks

0:21:010:21:04

and named him after where we done it.

0:21:040:21:06

And now we got my little baby girl, Nina.

0:21:080:21:11

Yeah, we done it in a police van.

0:21:110:21:13

People knock Posh and Becks, but I think they're all right, you know?

0:21:190:21:23

Posh Spice, she's incredible, innit? What's she like, a singer,

0:21:230:21:26

songwriter, dancer, musician,

0:21:260:21:28

TV presenter, fashion designer, author.

0:21:280:21:32

That's amazing, innit, to be shit at seven jobs?

0:21:320:21:36

I'm a London boy. London's the best city in the world, innit?

0:21:420:21:46

-CHEERING

-Best of everything in London -

0:21:460:21:48

best pubs, bars, clubs.

0:21:480:21:50

Even our transport's the best. Don't laugh at that, man!

0:21:500:21:53

We must have the greatest rail replacement bus service...

0:21:530:21:58

I do like going to the countryside every so often.

0:22:020:22:05

I'm not ashamed to admit, I pop in my car, I drive and drive,

0:22:050:22:09

find some empty field in the middle of nowhere, I just get out,

0:22:090:22:13

just be like...

0:22:130:22:15

HE INHALES

0:22:150:22:16

Yeah!

0:22:160:22:17

Yeeaahh!

0:22:180:22:20

Yeeeaaahhh!

0:22:210:22:23

This is where I'll dump my fridge.

0:22:240:22:28

And head back to civilisation after that, man!

0:22:340:22:38

Countryside people is mental!

0:22:380:22:41

Fox hunting? Fox hunting?! What is you on about?

0:22:410:22:45

If you want to kill a fox,

0:22:450:22:47

you don't need hundreds of people on horseback and a truckload of dogs.

0:22:470:22:53

You need an overflowing bin and a brick!

0:22:530:22:55

You know, when I was a little bit embarrassed about being

0:23:010:23:05

a Londoner during them riots, that was crazy times, innit, people?

0:23:050:23:09

I'm 100% against them rioters.

0:23:090:23:11

Unless they're running towards you, then I'm with them all the way.

0:23:110:23:15

My area got hit bad, people, you should see the shops

0:23:160:23:19

on my High Street, it is crazy - looted, looted, looted, looted,

0:23:190:23:24

looted, looted, looted, looted, looted, looted...

0:23:240:23:29

Holland & Barrett.

0:23:290:23:31

They didn't even lock the doors!

0:23:340:23:37

"Let's thieve some trainers."

0:23:370:23:40

"Nah, mate, I'm getting myself some Omega 3s!"

0:23:400:23:43

I saw some mental sights in the riots.

0:23:490:23:52

Group of people coming out of Currys,

0:23:520:23:54

holding a load of televisions,

0:23:540:23:56

Currys staff chasing down the road after them -

0:23:560:24:00

"Sto-o-o-o-o-op!

0:24:000:24:02

"How about an extended warranty?"

0:24:020:24:04

You know what I love about London Town?

0:24:120:24:15

We welcome all the people from all around the world, innit.

0:24:150:24:18

I bet we's got people

0:24:180:24:19

from overseas in the house tonight. Overseas people, show me some love!

0:24:190:24:23

-CHEERING AND WHOOPING

-Loads and loads and loads!

0:24:230:24:27

What about over there? I saw a few from overseas.

0:24:270:24:30

Where you from, geez? Australia? Welcome, Australians!

0:24:300:24:33

There's so many Aussies in London

0:24:330:24:35

we've even got nicknames for each other.

0:24:350:24:37

You call us Poms, innit? Yeah!

0:24:370:24:41

We call you racists.

0:24:410:24:42

Welcome, you legend, my man.

0:24:520:24:54

Do you miss all the beaches and the barbecues and that?

0:24:540:24:57

Yeah, definitely.

0:24:570:24:58

Probably about time you pissed off home, innit.

0:24:580:25:00

Jokes, jokes, jokes, you legend! It's just banter.

0:25:060:25:09

We'll have a drink in the bar afterwards? Yes!

0:25:090:25:12

Promise you'll serve me first, though.

0:25:120:25:14

Welcome. Isn't this nice, all the different foreign people?

0:25:210:25:24

Who else has we got in the house? Legend over there. Where you from?

0:25:240:25:28

-Wales.

-Wales!

0:25:280:25:31

You idiot!

0:25:330:25:34

They get well wound up when we call them sheep shaggers, innit?

0:25:380:25:43

Dunno why you don't just stop it, but there you go. Welcome, geez.

0:25:430:25:47

I've been to Wales, it's a nice place.

0:25:470:25:50

There's even like a time difference, which I couldn't believe. Yes, I was in Swansea,

0:25:500:25:55

they're about eight years behind.

0:25:550:25:57

Welcome to Wales, man! Who else has we got? In't this nice?

0:26:010:26:05

-What's that, you legend?

-Kenya!

-Kenya? Aw, welcome, you legend!

0:26:050:26:11

I've got African relatives of my own, I feel like there's a bond there.

0:26:110:26:15

I never knew I had African relatives

0:26:150:26:17

until I got an e-mail out of the blue about two weeks ago.

0:26:170:26:20

Welcome. I love it all, man, all the different cultures,

0:26:300:26:33

all the different things. Different accents, ain't that fun?

0:26:330:26:37

I hear different accents, I think of different things.

0:26:370:26:40

I hear an Australian accent, I'm thinking, sport.

0:26:400:26:44

I hear an Italian accent, I'm thinking, food.

0:26:440:26:48

I hear an Indian accent, I think, I'm about to be put on hold.

0:26:480:26:52

Aw, people, I's got to get going now, people!

0:27:010:27:04

CROWD: Awww!

0:27:040:27:06

I've got to get home to my little boy,

0:27:060:27:08

we're in the middle of a game of hide and seek.

0:27:080:27:11

And back to my new baby girl, yes! Yes!

0:27:150:27:20

Can't wait for that, man, innit. Innit a miracle,

0:27:200:27:23

ain't creating a baby the biggest miracle in the whole wide world?

0:27:230:27:26

Innit? I just keep thinking, how did my

0:27:260:27:29

one little sperm manage to find its way to my missus's egg?

0:27:290:27:35

I came on her tits, for hell's sake!

0:27:380:27:41

People, I's been Lee Nelson, you's been a bunch of legends.

0:27:460:27:50

Spread the love, London!

0:27:500:27:53

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

0:27:540:27:57

Lee Nelson there!

0:28:020:28:06

You've been a fantastic crowd. Put your hands together Ed Byrne, Lee Nelson,

0:28:080:28:11

my name's Sean Lock, thank you very much, and good night!

0:28:110:28:15

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:310:28:34

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:340:28:37

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