Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


Episode 3

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Transcript


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'Ladies and gentlemen,

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'please welcome your host for tonight,

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'Alan Carr!'

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, how lovely!

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Oh!

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Oh, Hammersmith!

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Ah!

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Welcome to Live At The Apollo. I'm your host, Alan Carr.

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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Woohoo! Thank you.

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I'm not a sheepdog.

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Visited my nan the other day. You got to visit your nan, ain't ya?

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-ALL: Yes!

-Yeah. I went to see her, bless her.

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She was sucking the chocolate off a Crunchie to send to Cash for Gold.

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I don't know how much money pensioners get.

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Honestly she's got herself a 3D HD Plasma screen in her lounge.

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Honestly, it's huge. It's huge.

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The people on the screen are bigger than she is.

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The council drove by, thought she was subletting to Poirot.

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Honestly, but she loves it though. All this technology.

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I'm the other way. I'm going...

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You're going to think I'm mad, but you know what I can't stand?

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Digital cameras.

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I like the old ones, know what I mean?

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I don't like to get the image instantly,

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I like to wait to get back from the holiday

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before I realise I'm fat and pasty, yeah?

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People show you it, don't they? "Oh, yes!

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"Great the way me back fat's poking through the slots of the sun lounger!"

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Got screensaver written all over it, hasn't it?

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What celebs have we got here?

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Hello, Eamonn. Eamonn and Ruth, come on.

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APPLAUSE

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Olly Murs.

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CHEERING

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And little Geordie Joe sneaked in behind you.

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Fucking X Factor fantasy of mine.

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Hello, love. Can I just say I love you? You know his skinny fit jeans?

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He's got the image. Ollie is the image I want.

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Ain't he lovely? He's gorgeous.

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SHOUTS OF APPROVAL

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-He wears those skinny fit jeans.

-Yeah.

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I've had to throw mine out, honestly.

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I had to. I got on the bus and a woman gave her seat up for me.

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Ollie, those hats!

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Do you know, I got myself a white Trilby,

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cos I want to look like Justin Timberlake. I got it from Top Man.

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A white Trilby?

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I look like a fishmonger at Morrisons.

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APPLAUSE

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Honestly. Pow! Pow! Pow!

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Got some lovely scallops for your tea, Mrs Henderson.

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Pop them in your basket.

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Who else have we got? Oh, Arg.

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The Only Way Is Essex.

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CHEERING

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Any Essex girls in?

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I don't think there is tonight.

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-Are you sure, cos...

-There might be.

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I'm not being rude, but over there I saw a flash of vajazzle.

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Honestly, it was like looking in a magpie's nest.

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Oh, Ollie doesn't know. Let me explain.

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-You know a woman's lady garden?

-Yes, yep.

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-It's where they decorate it with sequins.

-Oh, really?

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-Trinkets.

-OK, yeah.

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Hundreds and thousands.

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I mean, they do.

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Where I live, everyone does vajazzle.

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Every shop does vajazzling. My best mate Monica, she got vajazzled.

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She only popped in to get her keys cut.

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The mechanical man did it in the window.

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Seriously. Honest to God. Listen, Arg. She went to get it done

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and she missed her appointment and the girl became the counter went,

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"A client's just gone in. Can you come back in an hour?"

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I said "An hour?! How big is it?"

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Go to Wickes and get it crazy paved for less.

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It's true!

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No, but these things they keep inventing, no-one tells me.

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I took my two goddaughters to the leisure centre to go swimming.

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No-one told me they'd invented a wave machine.

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Did you know about this?

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There I am, at the leisure centre, minding me own business.

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All of a sudden, I hear...

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IMITATES SIREN

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It's getting choppy!

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And then I couldn't kick because my locker key was round me weak leg.

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I thought someone had pulled the plug out.

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"Help! Help! Help!"

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No! This lifeguard runs over with a float.

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Do you remember those white floats you used to get at school?

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Do you remember the texture of them?

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They always had a bite out of them, mind?

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How far away from land have you floated...

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that you're that hungry?

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WOMAN SQUEALS

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It's been a long time since I've made a woman make that noise.

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Oh, it's Melanie Sykes. Hello, Mel!

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Oh, thanks for laughing.

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APPLAUSE

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That's what friends are for.

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Hope you brought your Tena Lady.

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How unfit am I?

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Do you see me sweating?

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I don't mind getting the underarm bits. It's when you get the W's.

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You've been sitting down and you get up

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and they're underlined. You're like, "What?!"

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You see, Gok was meant to help me with my outfit.

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You know Gok Wan? You like Gok?

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CHEERING

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I love Gok, he's great. People always say

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"When are you and Gok going to get together?"

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We can't, we can't.

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If we had kids, they'd be Wan-Carrs!

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APPLAUSE

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Do you know?

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And let's face it, they're going to get bullied at school anyway.

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Know what I mean? Let's not over-egg the pudding.

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"Wan-Carr?" "Here, Sir!"

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With a handbag.

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I took my two goddaughters to the zoo,

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cos I'm a good godfather and everything.

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The trouble is, they're at that age...

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that face-painting stage, you know what I mean?

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When they like face painting.

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The eldest one has got her face done as a tiger.

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I don't know how I feel about that at the zoo. Do you know what I mean?

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Not only do we take away these animals' freedom and liberty,

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we start taking the piss out of their face.

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The youngest one has got her face done as a dormouse.

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Going round the reptile house,

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they're creaming their drawers in there!

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A Komodo dragon started laying the table.

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While I'm there in the zoo, the zookeeper comes to me.

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"Hello.

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"Would you like to feed the monkeys?

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"Would you like a bit of fruit and get in the cage

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"and feed the monkeys?"

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Then I realised he had a lazy eye and was looking at the girls.

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Freaked me out! Freaked me out! Then the girls said,

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"We don't want to get in the cage and feed the monkeys.

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"Will you do it, Uncle Alan?"

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"Yes, what a good idea(!)"

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I get in the cage, I'm feeding the monkeys.

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People are filming me. They're shouting commands.

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"Stroke the monkey! Stroke the monkey!

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"Faster! Harder!

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"Dance with the monkey!

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"Look like you're enjoying it!"

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Then this school kid comes by and goes "Look, it's got a stiffy!"

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I actually looked down at my own crotch!

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I looked down!

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Do I look like shit?

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I do, don't I?

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WOLF WHISTLE

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You are a sick bastard!

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Why are you whistling at camp chubby man,

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who has obviously a thyroid issue?!

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What you saying?

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Sorry, I'm not fluent in, "Oh, bear!"

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< Your flies are undone!

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Oh, my God!

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LAUGHTER

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It's popped off!

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Oh, no!

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You've all been looking at my knob.

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Shouldn't bloody be looking, you big gay!

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I am like Oscar Wilde, ain't I?

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I really am, with these witty putdowns.

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Let's welcome our first comedian to the stage.

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I love her, you love her.

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It's Andi Osho! Woo!

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Hey!

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Hello!

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Oh, this is nice!

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Did he do the whole thing with his flies undone?

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I couldn't see. Is that it?

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Oh, my days! Never mind.

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Don't look at my boobs.

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This is good, this is nice. Are there loads of couples in?

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Give me a cheer, couples.

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MUTED CHEERING

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Hey, that's nice. That's the sound of a thousand blokes being nudged in the ribs.

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And are there single people in? Single people, give me a cheer.

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LOUDER CHEERING

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You see how much happier they sound?

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Amazing. I'm single,

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I've been single for ages. I think, and I...

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I can't tell whether it's cos I'm really fussy.

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Cos this I all I want, right - a good-looking bloke who's smart.

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And the smart thing, is a deal-breaker for me.

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I don't want the sort of bloke

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who licks his finger before turning the page on a Kindle.

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Or worse still, licks the Kindle to turn the page.

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That's bad. But it has been ages since I've even...

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I haven't had a date, this is absolutely true, I've not had a date for three years.

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-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Save your sympathy!

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When I'm talking about dates, I'm not talking about getting drunk with some bloke

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and staggering back to his. In which case, I've been dating!

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Probably a little bit too much, to be perfectly honest,

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but a girl's got to eat. Now...

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LAUGHTER

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It's true. Honestly, you've got to keep it all working down there.

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I saw it on Embarrassing Bodies - a woman's vajuju healed up.

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It was like a Sindy doll down there!

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You've got to keep it, you know.

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But seriously, I'm down to last resorts now.

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This is my last resort, because I've tried everything.

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I've done internet dating and all that. My last resort is to walk into a random pub

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and hope someone replies if I go,

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# I like old movies... #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's all I've got left. But that could work.

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you know what I love about that ad? I would love it if that wasn't the first shop she'd been into.

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If she'd gone into a weird shop like that one in Pulp Fiction with all the samurai swords on the wall.

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And she'd gone up to the piano...

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# I like old movies... #

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Then she'd heard from the back...

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# Like Scream and Saw III... #

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OK, not this shop, but thank you, thank you.

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They all advertise as well, don't they?

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The internet dating companies, like Uniform Dating,

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they advertise, but they don't even have people in their adverts.

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And then the tag line, she goes, "Do you work in uniform,

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"or fancy those who do?"

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Isn't that just like everybody, then?

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That's like BUPA bringing out a new health care product -

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"Are you healthy, ill, dead, or know someone who is?"

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They're not helping me.

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Or eHarmony, that's another one, they advertise a lot.

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Sometimes they reject people's applications,

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and a guy put in an application and it got rejected

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cos of what he said in response to a question.

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And there's a screen grab of it on the internet.

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It goes "eHarmony has rejected your application

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"because in response to the question 'What do you find most attractive in a woman?'"

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The bloke had written "my dick".

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How good is that?

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Because it tells a woman two important things.

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1 - He has got a sense of humour.

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What girl doesn't like a guy with a sense of humour?

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2 - He's got a dick.

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What girl doesn't like a guy with a dick? All of us.

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But I did internet dating,

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and the problem I had with it

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was basically the men.

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No, what it is, I think it's the panic of having to advertise yourself,

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so they write weird things.

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Like they'll put down "reading" as a hobby.

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Now, reading is not a hobby,

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that's just something you should be able to do.

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You know, what are you going to put next?

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"I'm a big fan of eating and thinking. Pick me!"

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No, mate, put that you're a fan of putting up shelves

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and munching rug, then I'll pick you.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Yep. They wouldn't even need a photo then.

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I'd be like, "My God, this guy sounds amazing, where is he?"

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People say, "Andi, you could try meeting people in a nightclub."

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You'll never meet anyone good in a nightclub,

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because the nightclub environment is designed to have us make bad decisions.

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It's dark, you can't see, you can't hear.

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You know what, if nightclubs want to be responsible

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what they should do to help us out, is just before the exit, they should have a brightly lit room,

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where you can check out the person you're leaving with.

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They should call it the Have A Sodding Word With Yourself Lounge.

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And you'd get women in there just going, "Oh, my god, you're wearing a fleece.

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"I couldn't tell because it's so dark in there. OK, nice to meet you!"

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But listen, if you meet somebody online,

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all I'm going to say is there's some safety things to take into consideration.

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Now, I met somebody through Twitter just the once - never again -

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and it was the most irresponsible thing I've ever done. I spoke to a friend about it

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and I said, "I've met this guy, and we seem to really like each other

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"and we're talking about meeting up. Should I meet him?"

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Before my mate had a chance to say anything,

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I said, "I AM going to meet this guy. You know why? Cos life's too short."

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And my mate just went, "Yeah, you're going to find out how short!"

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And my mum says, "Look, if you go on these dates,

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"make sure you meet in a public place."

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I'm going to add something to that. Public place - brill.

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Public house - excellent.

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Public toilet...

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Never meet in a public toilet. No good can come of it,

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unless it's them space-age toilets that they have outside,

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where you put the money in, press the button and then the door opens. Cos you can pretend it's Blind Date.

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Oh, how good is that, you just put the money in, and press the button!

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SHE HUMS BLIND DATE THEME

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And if you don't like them, just press the button really quickly.

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I don't know why young couples,

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new couples, have got this obsession with finding out

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how many people someone has been out with from before.

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Like, how many previous partners? This is a lose/lose situation.

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And if any of you have ever had that conversation,

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or you think it's going to come up, this is what you should say, OK? Just say,

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"You want to know how many previous partners? OK, I'll tell you from the beginning.

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"One, two, three, four,

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"YOU...

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"six, seven..."

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Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely.

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I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much! Good night!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Andi Osho!

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Who else have we got? Jake Humphrey from Formula One.

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ALL: Woo!

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-Hello, love.

-Hello.

-What's your show about? What's it...?

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No, I'm not being horrible. I've never heard of it.

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-It's driving cars and stuff.

-Driving cars.

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Oh, what do you think of those electric cars?

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-Brilliant, good for the environment.

-Good for the environment. You know why I'm asking...

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They asked me to be the face of electric cars.

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No, because you know me surname's Carr?

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They spent hours thinking this up, honestly, yeah.

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And the money was good, I thought I'd do it, and then I saw the slogan.

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"The car you don't have to stick your nozzle in and pump."

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It's true, it's true. It took me ages....

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-Honestly, how long did it take you to pass your test, Jake?

-First time.

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Oh, don't you hate people, "first time".

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Do you know how long it took me? Four times, yeah.

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The first time I failed me test it weren't my fault.

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I had the wrong prescription in my glasses.

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It had a concave lens.

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Honestly, I kept veering off into the hedge and the verge.

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Honestly, the poor instructor! I was screaming,

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he was blackberry picking.

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He was a pervert.

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He liked me to go down the country lanes.

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"Let's go down the country lanes, me and you.

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"Let's go down the country lanes."

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He liked me to drive over cattle grids

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cos it made me chest jiggle.

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Oh, can I tell you this, it's a bit personal?

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I had a health scare, yeah, I caught something in a hot tub.

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Now listen,

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I hate hot tubs, yeah, I was round me friend's house,

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we're having a nice meal,

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the plates get taken away and he says,

0:19:210:19:22

"Hey, Alan...

0:19:220:19:24

"..grab a glass of wine, put some Speedos on,

0:19:250:19:27

"and come and join me and the wife in the hot tub."

0:19:270:19:30

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:19:300:19:33

What's wrong with an after-dinner mint,

0:19:330:19:35

why do I have to get in a hot tub?

0:19:350:19:37

They're wrong hot tubs, ain't they, they're wrong?

0:19:370:19:40

It's like me inviting you all for dinner, then saying,

0:19:400:19:43

"I've run a bath, do you want to get in?

0:19:430:19:45

"No, wait, I'll push it into the front lawn

0:19:470:19:49

"so the neighbours can see us."

0:19:490:19:51

We haven't got the views over here, have we?

0:19:540:19:56

Fair enough if you're in California watching the sun set on the horizon,

0:19:560:20:00

but over here, a rusty swingball

0:20:000:20:02

and a fox going through your rubbish!

0:20:020:20:04

Oh, look, a syringe. Ooh!

0:20:080:20:10

This kind of shit happens to me.

0:20:150:20:17

I think it's time for our second comedian,

0:20:180:20:21

he's absolutely brilliant,

0:20:210:20:22

Hammersmith, go mad, go crazy

0:20:220:20:25

and welcome to the stage the one and only, Patrick Kielty!

0:20:250:20:29

-Woo!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

0:20:290:20:35

Thank you very much. Good evening, Apollo, how are we?

0:20:440:20:48

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:20:480:20:50

Good, good, we're all here, all ready to laugh Britain

0:20:500:20:53

out of recession,

0:20:530:20:55

that's...that's what it is,

0:20:550:20:57

cos it's tough times,

0:20:570:20:59

it's tough for everybody, tough to be Irish at the minute,

0:20:590:21:02

tough to be Irish in London at the minute.

0:21:020:21:04

AUDIENCE: Woo!

0:21:040:21:05

Any Irish in?

0:21:050:21:07

-AUDIENCE: Whey!

-Whey, yeah.

0:21:070:21:08

The Polish have stolen all the building work.

0:21:080:21:11

The Muslims have stolen all the terrorism work.

0:21:130:21:16

Yeah, it...

0:21:170:21:19

"They come over here, they steal our bombs!"

0:21:220:21:25

I tell you, that was good while it lasted,

0:21:250:21:28

honestly, that was the greatest scam that Irish people ever had.

0:21:280:21:32

Blow it up on a Friday,

0:21:320:21:33

start building it again on a Monday, that was great!

0:21:330:21:36

"Have you much work on at the minute, Seamus?"

0:21:400:21:42

"Not much, Michael." "Leave it with me."

0:21:420:21:44

And can I just say, guys as someone from Northern Ireland,

0:21:470:21:51

can I just say,

0:21:510:21:52

congratulations on your riots, London, that was...

0:21:520:21:55

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:21:550:21:57

Yeah, round of applause for the riots there,

0:21:570:21:59

that's...one, or two,

0:21:590:22:01

only the people that actually rioted applauding there, that was good.

0:22:010:22:04

People who rioted thinking other people were going to join in.

0:22:040:22:09

It brought me back to my childhood,

0:22:090:22:12

it really did, it did.

0:22:120:22:14

It was just the right mixture between excitement and fear.

0:22:140:22:18

It reminded me of being an altar boy again. It...

0:22:190:22:22

And the great thing about it for me

0:22:250:22:26

was that that people asked my opinion.

0:22:260:22:29

They kind of think that when you're from Northern Ireland

0:22:290:22:32

you're an expert.

0:22:320:22:34

Which is kind of nice,

0:22:340:22:36

or racist really, it's kind of racist.

0:22:360:22:39

I went on Daybreak during the riots,

0:22:390:22:43

as if London wasn't suffering enough,

0:22:430:22:46

and I kid you not, right,

0:22:460:22:47

Adrian Chiles asked me, he said,

0:22:470:22:50

"So before we talk about what you're here to talk about,

0:22:500:22:53

"disgraceful scenes in London, last night,

0:22:530:22:55

"you're from Belfast, Patrick, what do you think?"

0:22:550:22:59

I'm like, "Well, Adrian, most of these kids are only doing this

0:23:020:23:05

"because they grew up in shitholes.

0:23:050:23:07

"You're from Birmingham, what do you think?"

0:23:070:23:10

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS

-So...

0:23:100:23:15

What was he expecting?!

0:23:180:23:20

Was he expecting some type of post-match analysis from me?

0:23:200:23:23

-IMITATES ALAN HANSEN:

-"Technically very, very poor, badly organised.

0:23:230:23:28

"You might pick up a plasma in this country

0:23:290:23:32

"with that type of performance,

0:23:320:23:33

"but in Europe they'll eat you for breakfast."

0:23:330:23:36

We love a kneejerk reaction in this country,

0:23:390:23:41

they were talking about whether, you know...

0:23:410:23:43

How are we going to prevent trouble next time round?

0:23:430:23:46

And we said, we'll shut down Twitter and BBM.

0:23:460:23:50

Great, put us up there with Syria and Saudi Arabia

0:23:500:23:54

That's good work, isn't it?

0:23:540:23:56

Well, I've got a better idea.

0:23:560:23:58

Next time there's any trouble, we'll just get onto the phone companies

0:23:580:24:01

and ask them to only forward texts that are spelt properly

0:24:010:24:05

and are grammatically correct.

0:24:050:24:07

That's... I'm thinking...

0:24:070:24:09

..I'm thinking that might thin the crowd down a little bit.

0:24:130:24:17

It'll just be Joan Bakewell and Stephen Fry outside the Apple store.

0:24:170:24:21

"Stephen, who does this iPad belong to?"

0:24:240:24:28

"No, no, Joan, I think you'll find

0:24:280:24:31

"it's to whom does this iPad belong?"

0:24:310:24:35

But we've basically given up,

0:24:380:24:39

we've given up on spelling, we've given up on mental arithmetic.

0:24:390:24:42

I saw Wayne Rooney on the TV

0:24:420:24:44

a few weeks ago.

0:24:440:24:46

Wayne Rooney said, "The lads gave a 150%."

0:24:460:24:49

No, Wayne that's...

0:24:530:24:55

they can't give 150%, that's kind of not possible,

0:24:550:24:59

it's like, who's going to take Wayne aside

0:24:590:25:01

and explain that in terms that Wayne understands?

0:25:010:25:04

You can't have more than a 100%, Wayne, you've a 150...

0:25:060:25:08

It's like having two hookers in your room

0:25:080:25:12

and trying to shag three of them, Wayne.

0:25:120:25:14

It's, um...

0:25:140:25:16

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:25:160:25:19

I love David Cameron's answer to the trouble.

0:25:230:25:27

David Cameron, to prevent social unrest next time round, he says,

0:25:270:25:30

"We need to encourage more marriage."

0:25:300:25:33

That's the solution for all our problems in this country.

0:25:330:25:37

To prevent antisocial behaviour,

0:25:370:25:39

random acts of violence and binge drinking - more marriage.

0:25:390:25:42

Is he the only man in this country that hasn't seen

0:25:440:25:47

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? It's...

0:25:470:25:50

For me, it's amazing what you get away with,

0:25:530:25:56

when you give something a cuddly title -

0:25:560:25:58

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding -

0:25:580:26:00

and really, what the programme makers mean by that is,

0:26:000:26:03

"Let's watch pikeys on the piss."

0:26:030:26:07

That's kind of...

0:26:070:26:09

That's kind of why we watch it.

0:26:090:26:12

The programme makers say, "No, no.

0:26:120:26:15

"These programmes are a social study

0:26:150:26:17

"into the individual and cultural differences within the UK."

0:26:170:26:20

So that's why the advert for Seven Dwarves, features a two-foot man

0:26:210:26:24

trying to get a book off a six-foot shelf, is that right?

0:26:240:26:28

We all know what these shows mean,

0:26:280:26:31

Big Fat Gypsy Wedding - laugh at pikeys,

0:26:310:26:33

The Only Way Is Essex - laugh at chavs...

0:26:330:26:36

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Um...

0:26:380:26:42

Geordie Shore - laugh at chavs with no coats.

0:26:470:26:50

Made in Chelsea - laugh at wankers!

0:26:540:26:56

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:26:560:27:01

Seven Dwarves - laugh at midgets,

0:27:010:27:03

Embarrassing Bodies - laugh at people with odd-shaped testicles,

0:27:030:27:07

that's basically it.

0:27:070:27:09

Has the word "embarrassing" changed, since I was small?

0:27:120:27:15

Cos when I had a pimple on my nose

0:27:170:27:18

I wasn't going to school for two days, and apparently now

0:27:180:27:22

if you've got balls the size of a space hopper

0:27:220:27:24

or labia like elephant's ears...

0:27:240:27:26

..you go on TV and show everybody, that's...

0:27:300:27:34

"What's that?

0:27:340:27:35

"Oh, I'm mortified! Oh!

0:27:350:27:37

"Don't look. Get a close-up. I'm mortified!"

0:27:380:27:41

Folks, you've been fantastic, I've been Patrick Kielty,

0:27:460:27:49

thank you very much, Apollo, good night, thank you, cheers.

0:27:490:27:52

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

0:27:520:27:58

Patrick Kielty!

0:28:010:28:03

Have you had a good night, Hammersmith?

0:28:060:28:09

AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:28:090:28:11

-Give it up for Patrick Kielty.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:28:110:28:14

-And Andi Osho.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:28:140:28:17

I've been Alan Carr. See you!

0:28:170:28:19

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

-Thank you, bye.

0:28:190:28:22

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0:28:420:28:45

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0:28:450:28:48

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