Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

Mock the Week star Andy Parsons hosts stand-up comedy from the Apollo, with special guests including the fantastic Andrew Lawrence, and one-liner king Milton Jones.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight, Andy Parsons.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...

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CHEERING ..and welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

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How we doing? Are we all right?

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CHEERING

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Cos they say, right, that even though we're in a recession,

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they're saying that the sale of alcohol has gone up

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over the last couple of years...

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-Whoo!

-..as have the sale of pies.

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That is the British way to deal with a crisis, isn't it?

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Oh, well, if we're going to be poor, we may as well be fat and pissed.

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LAUGHTER

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But you could argue there's a lot of people in Britain at the moment

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who have, in fact, got too much money.

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I would personally argue

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anybody who's ever bought the autobiography of the talking meerkat,

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Aleksandr Orlov...

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..you have too much money.

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Anybody who's ever bought glow-in-the-dark loo roll,

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you have too much money.

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Anybody who's ever bought

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a cosy sofa blanket with sleeves, called a Slanket...

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Oh, yes, I've got some guilty people in my audience tonight.

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I would also say that anybody who regularly buys Innocent smoothies.

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How expensive are they?

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£2.49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample...

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..and they have the cheek to call them Innocent.

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Go to a supermarket, buy a banana.

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It will cost you 20 pence.

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Take a big bite, go, mw-mw-mw-mwoo!

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You will just have saved yourself £2.29.

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LAUGHTER

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So, in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

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we have Ben Brown, Ben Brown from BBC News!

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CHEERING

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Ben, of course, he's been to Chechnya,

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he's been to Iraq,

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he's been to Kosovo, he's been to Afghanistan.

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I'm guessing he's not going to sign up

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for a second series of Celebrity Coach Trip.

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Obviously, we have been in Afghanistan,

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coming up for ten years.

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And the reason we went into Afghanistan to begin with,

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was we went in with the help of Pakistan to try and find al-Qaeda.

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Now it appears that al-Qaeda have in fact, left Afghanistan

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and gone to Pakistan,

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but we can't actually go and find them in Pakistan

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because Pakistan is our friend

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and they're still helping us look for them in Afghanistan.

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The government we're currently supporting in Afghanistan,

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Transparency International,

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they reckon that they are the second most corrupt government in the world,

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second only to Somalia.

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Which, of course, doesn't have a government at all.

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Somalia is where the pirates are.

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These pirates who say, "We weren't always pirates.

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"We were fishermen, but because we don't have a government,

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"a lot of countries took the piss.

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"They came and fished in our waters,

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"so we realised we had to arm ourselves.

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"Then, once we'd armed ourselves,

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"we realised we didn't have to do any fishing, any more."

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Although you're thinking, "They could go back to fishing, couldn't they?"

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Let's face it, I don't think too many people

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are going to be doing too much fishing off the coast of Somalia

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for some time to come.

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Although, that is the sort of extreme fishing

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I would love to see Robson Green doing.

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING

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We'd pay good money, wouldn't we, to see Robson Green

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in a small fishing boat, off the coast of Mogadishu,

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singing at the top of his voice, Unchained Melody?

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But you wonder if some of the things that we've put in place

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to combat terrorism,

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whether these measures are proportional

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to the threat that we actually face.

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The FBI were forced to admit that the Times Square bomber in New York -

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they said he was an amateur -

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the reason was, is he had in fact used non-explosive fertiliser.

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Yeah, he hadn't created a bomb -

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he'd basically created a garden in the back of his SUV.

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If he'd been a suicide bomber, he'd have pulled the pin on his jacket

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and a little bit of compost would have trickled down his leg.

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And even in this country,

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we've had a few problems with the police, haven't we?

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They were criticised for the Raoul Moat killing

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because they'd used two tasers on him,

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two tasers that weren't authorised for use.

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Turns out, in America, 43 out of 50 states,

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tasers are legal for the police,

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but get this -

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they are also legal for the general public.

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Oh, that is incredible, isn't it?

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I'm grateful they're not legal in this country.

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Cos let's face it, if you had one you'd be tempted, wouldn't you?

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Oh, some yob, riding his bike on the pavement,

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bumps into somebody, taser.

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Some bloke jumps the queue in Tesco, taser.

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Next door neighbour,

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cat shit in your garden...

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taser.

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God squad knocking on your door, nine o'clock, Sunday morning...

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"Can you see the light?"

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"No, but you're about to!"

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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But things can change very quickly.

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If things are going well, I hope they are, things can change very quickly.

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A lot of people in Britain thought the volcanic ash crisis was bullshit.

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Turns out it's a very real phenomenon.

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Happened over Indonesia, big ash cloud,

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British Airways flight went through it.

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And basically, there is a transcript

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of what the pilot came on the tannoy and said to the passengers,

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cos all four engines had stopped.

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This is the transcript -

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"Hello, this is your captain speaking.

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"I'm afraid all four engines have stopped.

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"We're doing our damnedest to restart them.

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"I hope you're not in too much distress."

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Imagine you'd been on that flight,

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imagine what would have been going through your head -

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"My goodness me!

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"I wasn't in too much distress until you come on the tannoy!

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"I knew it was quiet but I didn't know why!

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"If you were going to come on the tannoy,

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"the best thing you could have done was just to continuously go..."

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IMITATES SOUND OF AN ENGINE

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We have, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Duncan MP in tonight.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well, I have to say,

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I think it's very brave of an MP to turn up.

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I'm quite surprised, obviously, that an MP should turn up

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to a gig with free tickets,

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cos it's not like they can even claim it on expenses, is it?

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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It will be, it will be a first for the Hammersmith Apollo, though.

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Not the fact that they have an MP in here,

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but it'll be the first time it's been designated as a second home.

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Tina Fey, when she was ridiculing Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live,

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they said, "How'd you come up with your material?"

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and she said, "Well, basically I just repeat what Sarah Palin said

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"and people laugh."

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And you're thinking, that's the ultimate, isn't it?

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Getting politicians to write your material for you.

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Got to be worth a go.

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We have a Work and Pensions minister called Chris Grayling.

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He recently said, when asked about the benefits cap

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the coalition are thinking of introducing,

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he said, "It won't lead to any homelessness,

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"but it may lead to individual cases of housing mobility."

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LAUGHTER

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David Cameron,

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when he was asked about drugs in the Bullingdon Club and rioting,

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he said, "It didn't matter what I got up to at university,

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"I didn't know I was going in to politics."

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And you're thinking, he must have had a reasonable idea,

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because at university he studied politics.

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And Nick Clegg said,

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"I need to say this,

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"you shouldn't trust any government, actually, including this one."

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Now, after the tuition fees, I think he's on fairly safe ground there.

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People saying that the tuition fees

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will lead to a two-tier university system.

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That is, of course, to say

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we don't already have a two-tier university system.

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You can usually tell from the name, can't you?

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If it's a major city followed by the word, 'university,'

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it tends to be top-tier, doesn't it?

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Whereas, if it's the name of an area,

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or got the name of a person,

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or the word, 'metropolitan' in it...

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All I'm saying is, you hear somebody is off

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to the West of Cumbria John Brookes Metropolitan University,

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you think there's a fair chance they're doing Media Studies.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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In America, they have the rise of the Christian fundamentalist right

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in the form of the Tea Party

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or as they otherwise like to be known as...Tea-Baggers.

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Tea-bagging means something very different over here.

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I can't wait for Sarah Palin to arrive in Britain and go,

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"Hello, I'm a Tea-Bagger."

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Some of you clapping,

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some of you may have to have that one explained to you

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at the end of the show.

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For those of you who don't know much about the Tea Party,

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there is a woman called Christine O'Donnell.

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Now, Google her, she is hilarious.

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She is often on Fox TV, comes out with some great statements,

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things like, "Masturbation is sinful and the equivalent of adultery."

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And the thing is, she's actually quite fit.

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So I wonder how many people in America

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are watching her on the telly, cracking one off...

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..and trying to justify it as an act of political rebellion.

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LAUGHTER

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So...it is time for our first act.

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Ladies and gents, would you please welcome

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the fantastic, Andrew Lawrence!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hi, thank you very much.

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A lovely warm welcome.

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How nice to be here.

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Never quite sure how to start one of these gigs, to be honest.

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My agent says, "Andrew, always smile when you walk on stage,

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"because you have got quite a scary face.

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"If you don't smile, Andrew,

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"you look like you're going to physically assault someone."

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I said, "Well, that is true, but sadly if I do smile

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"I look like I'm going to sexually assault someone."

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LAUGHTER

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It's not really any better, is it?

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Well done for coming out tonight.

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It's important, isn't it,

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to go out, have a little bit of fun, enjoy life?

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Life is hard.

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Some people struggle, don't they?

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Some people having a hard time, they can't cope,

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they can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

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In many respects, that serves them right.

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If you're in a tunnel and there's no light at the end,

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that's a cave, dickhead!

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LAUGHTER

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You need to turn around and walk out the same way you came in.

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It's a hard world.

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There's too much rudeness in the world! I had...

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this kid come up to me in the supermarket,

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he's about ten years old, cocky,

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flapping a Bag For Life in my face.

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He said, "Oi, mate, will this bag last for the whole of my life?"

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"I don't know, my little friend.

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"Why don't you put it over your head for three or four minutes?

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"I'm sure we'll find out!"

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There's a lot of rudeness in the world.

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I don't like this word, 'banter' that people use increasingly.

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I hear people using the word banter, I don't like it.

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It's a word people use as an excuse

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for behaving in an unacceptable, inappropriate manner, like,

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"Barry, your little boy's just locked himself in the toilet.

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"It's his eighth birthday, he's crying his eyes out,

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"what have you said to him?"

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"I told him he was adopted, mate."

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"Why did you do that, Barry?"

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"Just a bit of banter."

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It's not really, it is? It's a singular display of insensitivity,

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a total disregard for the feelings of other people.

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"You're contributing nothing to society, Barry,

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"you're bringing no happiness into the world whatsoever.

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"We'd all be better off if you were dead."

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"That's a bit harsh, mate."

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"Not really, Barry, just a bit of banter, isn't it?

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"Just a bit of..."

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Hard world. Too many people, isn't there?

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Too many people in the world, I think.

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We're all getting in each other's way, all the time.

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I was in the car the other day,

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there were a load of slow moving cars in front of me,

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I thought, "How is it possible people could be driving this slowly?

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"Even if you were just out for a leisurely jaunt,

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"you would still be driving quicker than this.

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"Driving this slowly requires genuine mental effort,

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"physical restraint.

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"They must be doing it on purpose just to aggravate me."

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I'm shouting, I'm angry, I've got my family in the car,

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they're getting upset, like, "Shut up, Andrew,

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"you're ruining granddad's funeral procession!"

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I like being a comedian.

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It's got its perks, like, who's been at work this week?

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Give me a cheer - one, two, three...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whey!

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Give me a cheer if you get up before seven for work.

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Whey!

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And if you get up before six for work.

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Whey!

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Well, I admire that, you know?

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I admire you people.

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That takes self-discipline, to get up at six every morning for work and I admire it.

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I'll be honest with you, I got up at six the other day...

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went for a piss, went back to bed, got up at 11.

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HE GIGGLES

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That's right, applaud my laziness.

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Sometimes I set the alarm clock for six, just for a joke.

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I'll roll over, have a chuckle, go back to sleep.

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Sometimes I put it on snooze, just to tease myself.

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People say, "Andrew, if you never get up before 11,

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"that's a sign of depression."

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"Are you sure? I'll be honest, it makes me feel quite smug and happy."

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You have to get a good night's sleep, don't you? It's important.

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I was sharing a bed with a very restless sleeper.

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-That's right, I've got a girlfriend, she's real and...

-Whoo!

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Patronising, over there.

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She's a very restless sleeper.

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The other night, the middle of the night, she's prodding me,

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shaking me, like, "Psst, Andrew.

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"Psst, Andrew."

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"What? What is it?" "Just going to toilet."

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"Oh, thanks for letting me know.

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"What is it you'd like me to do?

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"You want me to come with you, hold your hand?"

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She goes to toilet, comes back,

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I said, "How was that, was that all right?"

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"Yeah, it was all right, yeah."

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"Did you get rid of everything you need to get rid of?"

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"Yeah."

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"Flush the toilet?" "No."

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"Why not?" "Didn't want to wake you up."

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Who's having an alcoholic beverage tonight? Give me a cheer.

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-Whey!

-Who's not having an alcoholic beverage? Give me a cheer.

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Whey!

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I think we know who sounded happier.

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Last time I had a night out, I lost my phone.

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That's aggravating, isn't it? I'm CURSED with mobile phones.

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I don't like them, I've never got on with them.

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I still don't really understand the etiquette of text messaging.

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If someone sends you a text message,

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how long can you leave that message without replying,

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without seeming rude?

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Depends on the message, doesn't it?

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If it's from an old friend,

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"Hey, Andrew, I haven't seen you in ages, let's catch up,"

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you could probably leave it about a week.

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But if it's from your gran... "I can't get out of the bath!"

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..you probably can't leave that

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more than two or three days, really, can you? You can't.

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Everybody's telling me to get some flashy, expensive mobile phone.

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I don't want one.

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I'm out late at night doing gigs,

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I don't want to carry valuable things around with me...

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in case I get mugged.

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I've got a cheap, rubbish phone.

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That way, if someone comes up to me late at night,

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"Give me your phone, reject!"

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"Certainly, my friend, take it, it's got a two-megapixel camera.

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"Doesn't sound like much, but some people's faces look better blurry."

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"I don't want that rubbish phone."

0:18:350:18:37

"No, take the phone, my friend, it's fully charged!

0:18:370:18:40

"You can get internet on that phone sometimes,

0:18:400:18:42

"if you smack it against a hard surface."

0:18:420:18:44

"I don't want that rubbish phone!"

0:18:440:18:47

"I don't want it either!"

0:18:470:18:49

"It's your phone."

0:18:490:18:51

"I don't want it." "Well, throw it away."

0:18:510:18:53

"You can't throw it away, you've got to recycle these things.

0:18:530:18:57

"You put it in a little bag,

0:18:570:18:58

"you send it to Oxfam,

0:18:580:19:00

"Oxfam put it in a box, they send it halfway around the world

0:19:000:19:03

"to starving people in Africa,

0:19:030:19:05

"starving people in Africa open the box, they say,"

0:19:050:19:08

-AFRICAN ACCENT:

-"What the hell is this?"

0:19:080:19:11

LAUGHTER

0:19:110:19:14

"I don't want this crappy phone.

0:19:150:19:18

"I thought this box would have a cake in it.

0:19:220:19:25

"This is a bad day for me.

0:19:270:19:29

"What is this text message?

0:19:320:19:34

" 'Gran: I can't get out of the bath.' "

0:19:340:19:37

LAUGHTER

0:19:370:19:39

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a privilege tonight.

0:19:390:19:42

Thank you very much, have a wonderful evening, good night!

0:19:420:19:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:450:19:48

Andrew Lawrence!

0:19:520:19:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:550:19:58

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...

0:19:590:20:02

the master of the one-liner, Mr Milton Jones!

0:20:020:20:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:060:20:10

So, good evening!

0:20:280:20:30

CHEERING

0:20:310:20:33

Somewhere...

0:20:330:20:35

between murder...

0:20:350:20:37

..and suicide...

0:20:390:20:40

..there is a place called...

0:20:420:20:44

Merseyside.

0:20:440:20:45

LAUGHTER

0:20:450:20:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:480:20:52

Tell me, does anyone here own a cat?

0:20:560:20:58

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:20:590:21:01

Your houses stink.

0:21:010:21:02

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:21:020:21:05

Someone's got to tell 'em.

0:21:170:21:19

Some people like cats, some don't.

0:21:240:21:26

I was reading the other day, apparently the Pope...

0:21:260:21:30

he's a cataholic.

0:21:300:21:31

Catholic.

0:21:480:21:49

They said about me, that I was too immature to be a father,

0:22:010:22:04

but when I saw the first few seconds of my son's life,

0:22:040:22:07

-I thought to myself...

-HE LAUGHS

0:22:070:22:09

.."He's naked!"

0:22:110:22:12

When my daughter was born she had jaundice,

0:22:180:22:21

so there she was - small, round and...yellow.

0:22:210:22:23

We called her Melanie.

0:22:240:22:26

LAUGHTER

0:22:260:22:30

My parents came up last weekend,

0:22:390:22:41

cos I keep them in the cellar.

0:22:410:22:43

That's not true!

0:22:480:22:49

I don't know who they are.

0:22:510:22:52

My grandparents, their names are Pearl and Dean.

0:22:590:23:02

Of course, we just know them as

0:23:040:23:05

gran and grandpapa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa.

0:23:050:23:10

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:100:23:12

Any students here?

0:23:180:23:20

Whoo!

0:23:200:23:21

Your houses stink.

0:23:230:23:24

Someone's got to tell 'em.

0:23:320:23:34

I worked as a doctor for the World Health Organisation.

0:23:390:23:42

I didn't mean to, I thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who.

0:23:420:23:45

So, sisters, you know you really like that song, It's Raining Men?

0:23:530:23:56

Is that cos you really love men?

0:23:560:23:58

Or you love the idea of them all

0:23:580:24:00

falling out of the sky, going splat on the ground really hard?

0:24:000:24:04

-Whoo!

-Maybe it's cos you like the idea of them

0:24:040:24:07

going splat on the ground really hard -

0:24:070:24:09

is that cos you really hate men?

0:24:090:24:11

Or you love the idea of cleaning up?

0:24:120:24:14

LAUGHTER

0:24:140:24:17

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:170:24:20

Recently on a flight to America, all the way across my wife was going,

0:24:240:24:28

"Why don't you get an upgrade?

0:24:280:24:30

"Why don't you get an upgrade?"

0:24:300:24:32

Took a bit of time, but in the end I got a better wife.

0:24:320:24:35

In America, you can be who you want to be.

0:24:410:24:43

In fact, taxi drivers meet you at the airport

0:24:430:24:46

with suggestions on pieces of card.

0:24:460:24:48

I decided to be Professor Aaron Leibowitz.

0:24:550:24:58

I was whisked across town to address a conference on clinical psychology.

0:25:030:25:07

Briefly.

0:25:090:25:10

When I was in America, I really got into the culture.

0:25:120:25:15

I went into the shop and a guy said, "Have a nice day!"

0:25:150:25:18

and I didn't, so I sued him.

0:25:180:25:20

During the course of conversation,

0:25:230:25:25

he said the phrase, "Well, you do the math."

0:25:250:25:28

I said, "Don't you mean, 'You do the maths?'

0:25:290:25:33

"That word is five letters not four."

0:25:330:25:35

He said, "What's the difference?" I said, "One."

0:25:350:25:38

"You do the math...

0:25:430:25:45

"..s."

0:25:460:25:49

Got on a train to Newcastle the other day.

0:25:530:25:55

A guard came on and said,

0:25:550:25:57

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-"When we arrive, it will be 1938."

0:25:570:26:00

Time travel!

0:26:070:26:09

We were a bit late, though, we arrived in the mid '70s.

0:26:110:26:14

Anyone here from up north?

0:26:180:26:21

Whoo!

0:26:210:26:22

Your houses stink.

0:26:220:26:24

LAUGHTER

0:26:240:26:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:270:26:30

Can't believe you fell for that.

0:26:330:26:36

Those reward cards are rubbish, aren't they?

0:26:390:26:42

I got too many points on one of them and now I'm not allowed to drive.

0:26:420:26:45

Well, it's nice to have been here.

0:26:520:26:54

Some of us have been able to share our joy by laughing out loud.

0:26:540:26:57

Like that.

0:26:580:27:00

LAUGHTER

0:27:000:27:01

Others by staring.

0:27:010:27:03

To be fair, one or two of you have been smirking.

0:27:050:27:08

Well, enjoy that while you can, cos they've banned smoking and smacking.

0:27:080:27:13

Any aromatherapists here?

0:27:180:27:19

TWO AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

0:27:190:27:21

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:210:27:25

Shame, I had something for that.

0:27:330:27:35

I've just come back from Ireland.

0:27:380:27:40

Whoo!

0:27:400:27:41

It's great to be back.

0:27:410:27:43

Went into a pub there, no-one would talk to me,

0:27:440:27:47

the beer was flat and they'd just stopped serving food.

0:27:470:27:50

Anyway, it turns out it was one of those English theme pubs.

0:27:500:27:53

That's all from me. Thank you very much. Good night!

0:27:590:28:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:040:28:06

Please give it up for the two acts you've seen tonight -

0:28:180:28:21

Andrew Lawrence...

0:28:210:28:22

CHEERING

0:28:220:28:24

..Milton Jones.

0:28:240:28:26

CHEERING

0:28:260:28:29

I've been Andy Parsons.

0:28:290:28:30

Thank you very much. Good night.

0:28:300:28:33

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:540:28:57

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:570:29:00

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