Episode 1 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely stuff! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to Live At The Apollo. Are you in good form?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

It's a pleasure to be here with so many people from around the world.

It is all human life gathered here. Both extremes of human achievement.

Five medallists from Team GB are in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

But also, half the cast of Made In Chelsea, so essentially...

MIXED CHEERS AND BOOS

Why, the universe is in balance here, isn't it?

I've... Listen now, I'm very proud. Well done, you guys. Congratulations.

I'm Irish, obviously, so it's kind of secondary pride

in how well you all did. Are there any Irish people in?

CHEERING Good to have a few in.

More Irish will be arriving over in the next little while.

Things a little tight for cash in Ireland at the moment.

Many Irish may be arriving on your shores.

Beware, by the way.

It's been a very IT-type economy in Ireland for the last while.

Not been a lot of building work done by these people,

but they will take the work. LAUGHTER

In fact, they will stand on your doorstep and go,

"Oh, yeah, we'll do that. No problem. Oh, we'll lift that and we'll move that and we'll take that over

"and we'll rise it up. No problem at all, we'll get that done for you.

"Don't you worry, we'll get that done, no problem at all.

"Google it. Google it for Jesus' sake!"

"There's bound to be a website somewhere with that information."

"Ha-ha-ha, I don't know, translate it FROM Polish."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You...

You will be crying out for the Poles in about a year's time

when you see the mess we're about to make of your houses.

Ho-ho, it's funny the first time you flush the toilets

and the lights go off, but eventually that joke wears thin, right?

In about a year's time, every DIY store in the UK,

every Wickes, every Homebase, every B&Q

is going to be rammed with Irish "builders" trying to describe tools

they vaguely remember from a generation ago.

LAUGHTER

"Do you have anything that'll make wood shorter?"

LAUGHTER

"I have a gap and a plank and I can't quite get the plank into the gap!

"While I have you there, I have a tin of paint and a wall.

"How do I transfer the paint from the tin?

"I have tried smearing it, I have tried lifting..."

In my mind, there's a thing like a Jedward's head.

LAUGHTER

You can just dip it in and run along the wall.

Who else is here, who else is here?

Would you look at David Seaman? A pleasure to have you here, sir.

Looking fantastic. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Despite my love of Mr Seaman on a club level for many years,

may I compliment you on the tight leather jacket you're wearing

and the way you've ruffed your hair.

You've come in fancy dress as "the male menopause". Good to have you here.

So, one of the things when you're touring, like a comic or whatever,

you do stories over and over again and get some audience messing around,

and you have a bit of craic with that.

Sometimes, you have to retire something. Sometimes, you've got to

knock a routine on the head because it's just... It's been won.

Some audience member has just nailed it

and nothing will ever be as perfect... I was in Killarney, right,

and I had a routine about stupid things you do on your holidays,

where I'd ask the audience, "What's the stupidest thing you've ever done on holiday?"

This guy gave an answer that I frankly...

You know, I should've given him a diploma at the end of it,

cos it was such a sweet, beautiful, perfect...

It was lovely as a short thing. And comedians love brevity.

We love that beautiful... It's like Twitter.

I love Twitter, mainly because it's allowed up to 40,000 people

to contact me directly and tell me I look like Gru from Despicable Me.

LAUGHTER

We love a bit of brevity. So I'm chatting to this audience member... I'll give you an example.

I would ask the audience, "What is the most stupid thing you've done on your holidays?"

Throw out the first line. Stupidest thing you've done on holiday?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Lost my passport.

-Lost passport.

Brilliant first example. Standard kind of answer. Give me another one.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Had sex with a man!

-Had sex with a man.

LAUGHTER

A surprisingly common response.

And, if you're gay, actually not that weird at all.

Lost passport, had sex with a man, give me one more for the hell of it.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Bit by a donkey.

"Bit by a donkey". LAUGHTER

That's very much the stupidest thing the donkey did,

rather than you, if the truth be told.

So, lost a passport, had sex with a man, bitten by a donkey.

It's a hell of a night out. It's a fantastic single evening.

If you could roll that into one story, you're in the game here. That is fantastic.

They're all good answers, but they could have happened anywhere.

You could lose your passport at home, you could have sex with a man anywhere you want.

It's on your phone, Grindr, check it out, right?

You could go to Blackpool and have sex with a donkey... Oh, not have sex with a donkey!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't go to Blackpool and have sex with a donkey, OK?

Of all the things... If you take anything away from tonight's show,

let it not be, "Oh, yeah, Blackpool - you can ride the donkeys."

LAUGHTER

"It's fantastic, it's out of season, not getting much work..." No, no!

You've just got to go with this stuff when it happens.

No, they're all fine things, grand things...

I walked out in Killarney and I said, "What is the stupidest thing you've ever done on your holidays?"

And a man in the front row just raised his hand and went,

"Eh, I kicked an armadillo."

LAUGHTER

"Why did you kick an armadillo?"

"I dunno, he just walked out in front of me."

He was on a nature trek... LAUGHTER

..with a local guide sympathetically showing him the wildlife.

Literally, there's a man at the front with a tree going,

"If you look up there, you can see that's the nest.

"Let's just pull back the bush. Can you see the tracks as it walks...?"

And he's at the back, minding his own business, and an armadillo

walked out in front of him and he just panicked and went,

"Argh! Jesus!" And foomph! LAUGHTER

Hoofed it. Properly caught it with the instep.

Foomph, fam, right?

Lifted it over a tree...

..converted the armadillo, right?

Now, I have no idea what I find more delicious about the story, right?

The face of the tour guide going,

"Don't kick the wildlife!"

LAUGHTER

"Was that not obvious in the general tone of what we're doing here today?"

Or the armadillo going, "This is a bad day for me!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Apropos of nothing, stupidest thing I've ever done on my holiday,

Bondi Beach in Australia, went to visit, was looking at the lads on the surf boards going,

"Look at that. Will you look at that? Fizz, fizz, fizz, fantastic,

"would you look, that's fantastic. I can do... Look how easy...

"They're standing on the boards. This must be a doddle.

"I'm going to do this, I'm going to..." Went to the board rental area,

picked out the largest board they had, ran to the water,

with the music from Hawaii Five-0 playing in my head.

It's amazing how quickly, with the addition of water,

a surf board turns into a bar of soap. Floomph, foomp!

LAUGHTER

Gone, out of your hands.

And then there's a moment of tension.

Because when they rent you a surf board, they strap it to your leg.

So when it goes, a second later,

you go as well.

So I picked up the board, hoping nobody spotted.

I ran back into the water again, right?

Every time I tried it, foomph, there it goes, then there it goes again.

This went on for 20 minutes.

It seems like a victimless crime, but the underside of a surf board

has three bloody razor blades stuck onto it.

For no reason other than to nick across your legs and cut you!

After 20 minutes I looked like some weird emo chick.

I had all these tiny nicks and bruises and blood running on my legs,

which is a bad thing to do in the waters off Australia.

LAUGHTER

I was beginning to lure sharks INTO Bondi Beach.

Like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars, one leg dangled alluringly out.

"Come on, smell this with your big nose! You know we're here," right?

At one stage, I ran to the water, mistimed it so the wave front

was about this height as I came at it, right?

When that happens - let me give you a little tip -

the most important thing is to lift the board OVER the wave.

Or to break the wave underneath with the pointy end of the board.

Don't do what I did.

Which is hold the board up FLAT towards the wave...

..in an effort to somehow deflect the southern ocean away from myself.

Like a table tennis player, I'd just go, "F'dunk!"

And the ocean would go, "There you go."

I managed to harness the entire gravitational pull of the moon...

..on to my own head - "Foomp, thunk. Ah, Jesus!"

"Noooo! God!"

As I'm recovering from this knock, I see a bloke, a surfer guy,

with a board under his arm, laughing at me and I'm going,

"You can't do that.

"That is bad etiquette in the surfing community, to laugh at the new guy.

"Well, screw you, I'm going to master this.

"Look at you, I'm going to master you...

"I'm going to LEAP!"

And I leapt onto the board, I went, "I've got you now!"

"Oh, Jesus! You're not as buoyant as you let on..."

LAUGHTER

And then you're just sitting in the water,

with the waves just lapping in and out...

Looking at the rest of the surfing community going, "How are you, lads?"

"Yeah, great, great day on the waves, great day on the waves.

"Couple of good breakers out there at the moment,

"might take a bit of a break myself,

"cos I'm a bit weak from the blood loss at this stage."

And I'm looking at your man, I don't want to leave the water

cos he's there and he's in tears laughing at this stage,

just this guy pointing at me and doubled over,

and I go, "I've got to walk past you."

And I pick up the board, I just walk past your man,

and I do the only thing you can do in this situation,

I just kind of go, "Uhhh," like that.

The universal kind of "Uhhh."

And I vividly to this day remember, your man just looks at me

and in the thickest accent I have ever heard in my life

just goes "Ah, Jesus, Dara -

"we Irish are shite at surfing, did you not know that?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right. We, tonight, have a spectacular show, a stellar show, a lovely show.

two fabulously gifted comedians are going to come out here and blow your socks off.

It's going to be amazing, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you in the mood to hear our first act tonight?

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof

for the very beautiful, the very gifted, the very wonderful

Nina Conti.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody.

Well, I'm a ventriloquist.

I just wondered, would you tell me your name?

Louisa?

Would you join me on the stage, please, Louisa, for a second?

Could we give it up for Louisa?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much, Louisa, come here and stand in the middle.

-Can you tell us what you do?

-I'm a projects manager.

You're a projects manager, excellent.

Would you stand on my left there?

I'm just going to give you a slight make over, which...

It's going to take the heat off you and you don't have to worry

so much about what you say and everything, all right?

LAUGHTER

I'm just going to put this on...

OK, Louisa, how are you doing?

'Oh, I'm loving it!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-'Oh, this is magical!'

-It's magic?

'It's a magical night!'

I'm so glad, come forward a little bit.

So, um, so you...

LAUGHTER

'Ha ha! Oh, my goodness!'

-So...

-'I'm so glad I sat in the front row.'

-'I wear a jumper on all occasions.'

-You do?

'I'm the coldest-blooded person in the room!'

'Ha-ha-ha! I really am!

'Ha-ha-ha! Oh, God!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Oh, my head!'

Is your head all right?

'Yeah, yeah, yeah, my head's fine.'

-OK...

-'I like to shrug,'

Yes, I noticed.

'It's my natural body language.

'Oh! There it goes again!

'Ha-ha-ha-ha!

'I'm just looking at my feet, making sure they're still there...'

'Yeah, I feel carried away, I feel liberated.'

-'Itchy arm.'

-Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, tell me...

'Oh, what a nightmare, but I love it.'

So, what brought you here tonight?

'Well, it wasn't actually the comedy.'

-No?

-'No, I saw a fit guy in the queue.'

Really?

'Yeah, I did, I saw one,'

That's lovely, can you see him from here?

'I couldn't get the seat next to him.'

No, but is he round about here?

'Yeah, he's somewhere here.'

Show me. Which one is he?

LAUGHTER

'I'm just looking for him, where did he go?'

Which one, do you want to point to him?

'Yeah, let's see.

Where's he gone?'

It could have been any of these guys, right?

'Yeah, well, no, it wasn't one of them.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'No, it wasn't one of them.'

-OK, was it one of these guys?

-'Yeah, it was him.'

Which one? That one?

'The green T-shirt.'

-Him?

-'Yeah, that's him.'

You found him?

'That's the one, get him up here.'

-Will you come up here?

-'Get him up here now!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-'Oh, this is exciting!'

-It's nice!

'I'm so glad I found him.'

I'm glad, too, I thought it was going to take a while.

'No, he's there.'

Thank you for joining us.

'Oh, isn't he lovely?'

LAUGHTER

What's your name?

Scott.

'Oh, fantastic.'

You like that?

'Oh, it's a dreamy name!'

-And where are you from?

-Melbourne.

-Melbourne?

'Ohh! What an oxymoron!'

LAUGHTER

It's not exactly an oxymoron.

'No, it's the first word that came into your head.'

'Get a mask on him.'

That's what I was going to do.

-'Get on with it then.'

-All right.

'I'll just entertain the audience with my shrugs.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'And my eyebrows!'

And your eyebrows, all right.

So, Scott, I'm just going to give you the same treatment.

Excuse me, this is just, er...

..the same thing.

All right, can you...?

She's doing well, come over close.

'Ha-ha-ha-ha!'

'Wow!'

'This is fantastic!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Oh, my days!'

'This is the night of my life!'

Come a little closer.

'Sorry, your arms aren't so long.'

So, erm...

-'Oh, she's lovely!'

-She is.

'Oh, thank you! I saw you in the queue.'

-'I saw

-you

-in the queue and all!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'If you take your jumper off

'I'll warm you up with a nice cuddle.'

'Awww, it would be a privilege and an honour.'

Listen, guys, I feel a bit of a gooseberry,

should I leave you two?

'No, don't leave.

'I'll get tongue-tied if you leave.'

'Don't leave, not yet.'

OK, all right, but I'm glad that you like each other.

'Yes, yes, isn't that...lucky?'

'Very lucky.

'He's lovely.'

'I love project managers.

'There's nothing more exciting in my life I can think of

'than managing a project.'

'Oh, now, let me tell you,

'the laughs we have.'

OK, that's fantastic.

'This is romantic, have you got any romantic music, Nina?'

Yes, we can probably manage that.

-'Oh, that'd be good.'

-'That'd be lovely.'

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Is that good?

'Oh, magical.'

'Oooh.'

You look confused?

'I've heard it somewhere before...'

'In a dream maybe?'

So, are you going to talk to each other after the show?

-'Yes, I think we are.'

-'I think we will, yeah.

-I'm looking forward to it.

-Good.

'What the hell, I'm going to seize the day.'

What are you going to do?

'I'm going to get down on one knee...'

-Really?!

-'Oh, my goodness!'

'I'm going to get down on one knee now, like this,'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'I'm just going to say...'

'..I love you,

'with your hairy jumper and your silly voice...'

'..and your need to shrug.'

'Will you be my bride?'

-'Yes, I will!'

-Ohh!

that's lovely! How lovely!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Are you going to kiss?

-'Yes, we are!'

-You don't have to...

-'No, we want to kiss!'

-I don't want you to feel pressurised...

-'No, there's no pressure!'

-'We really want to kiss!'

-'Yes, we do!'

OK. Well, whenever you're ready,

'Here I come.'

'Here I am.

'Here I come... Mwhaaa!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done! You were both amazing.

Thank you so much

You can sit down - give them a huge round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amazing, thank you so much, I was Nina, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nina Conti, one more time for Nina Conti!

CHEERING

How great was that?

Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring on

our second act tonight. Would you please raise the roof

for the very funny Mr Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

Hello! Hello!

Hellooo!

Thank you. How are you?

CHEERING

-So, do we have Scottish people in? Give me a cheer.

-Whoo!

It's not a call to arms, but thanks.

"Waah!"

"This is it! This is what we've been waiting for!

"Wait for his word! Hold, hold...

"We've got as far as London, Danny. All we needed was a leader!

"Rragh! We are few, but we are strong!"

You know, what's alarming me, from a Scottish point of view,

is the World Cup in 2022 has gone to Qatar.

That's in the Middle East, but it's a dry country,

there's no alcohol allowed in Qatar.

Knowing our luck, that'll be the one World Cup we qualify for,

the one we can't even go and enjoy.

You're not going to get any Scottish fans going to that.

Can't drink for three weeks? You'll be lucky to get 11 players!

"What, I can't drink for three weeks?

"That's my hamstring gone. Sorry about that, boys."

Can't drink? Unbelievable.

You know, if you get caught drinking in Qatar, the punishment is...

you get lashed.

LAUGHTER

Someone's going to have to explain to Scottish fans as soon as they get off the plane

there's a more literal meaning to that phrase.

Could be very confusing.

"Scotland, welcome to Qatar.

"Congratulations on qualifying...

"Surprised us all.

"But remember, if you drink here in Qatar, you will get lashed."

"Aye, you're no wrong, mate, eh?

"It's exactly the same back home, by the way.

"Don't worry about it."

"No, Scotland, I don't think you understand,

"if you drink, you will get beaten by the police."

"It's exactly the same back home, mate, exactly the same,

"don't worry about it."

You know, you can't use offensive language in Qatar in public either.

You can't swear in public.

You're at a football game, how's that going to work?

Something happens on the pitch you don't like,

"Referee!

"That's...

"That's a terrible decision.

"Yeah, you're a...you're a bad man!

"You heard. You, you could use my spectacles."

Qatar gets temperatures of up to 50 degrees in the summer.

How do you describe that kind of heat if you can't swear?

Right?

APPLAUSE

What do you do?

Walk out your front door and go, "Oh!

"Have sex with me, it's hot."

"That's fatherless child hot."

Last year I was in Australia.

-There are some Australians in, right?

-Whoo!

Do me a favour, tell this wonderful audience

what you call an off licence in Australia.

Bottle-o.

Bottle-o, which is short for...

-Bottle shop.

-Bottle shop. I like the way you said "bottle-o" first.

"I'm not saying bottle shop, mate, it takes too long.

"Bottle-o, it's bottle-o. I'm not saying bottle shop!

"Who's Mr Fancy Pants with his bottle shop?"

It's bottle shop, but they shorten it to bottle-o, right?

"Bottle-o mate, bottle-o!"

Bottle shop, they call it a bottle shop.

I'd love to have been on the committee

when you came up with that.

"Right, settle down.

"Ssh! No, listen.

"We've got a shop...

"Listen up, we've got a shop here with bottles in it, right?

"We're going to need a name.

"Any ideas? No? All right, we'll leave that one for now."

Come back after lunch. "Right, settle down, listen up,

"we've got two suggestions now for the shop with bottles.

"Listen up, settle down.

"First up...

"Shop bottle."

"John came up with that. Nice one, John, I like that.

"There's nothing wrong with that, mate.

"Shop bottle - it's got everything we need.

"I like that, mate. Give yourself one of them, mate.

"Listen up. Barry,

"he's gone with bottle shop.

"That's good too, Barry, nothing wrong with that.

"We'll have a quick show of hands, one, two, three,

"and bottle shop - five, six, right. Bottle shop it is.

"Surprises me, but there you go.

"One of those, mate. You're all right.

"Right, next we need a name

"for that great big barrier reef at the top of the country. Anyone?

"Anyone? No? All right...

APPLAUSE

"Oh, oh, and er...

"I've just been told there's already a South Wales in Britain,

"so we'll need a new name for that."

I love Australians, though, they're great people.

I heard one of the best phrases I've heard in a long time.

I was doing a gig in Perth, in western Australia

and erm, it was very hot and I was backstage

and a guy came and said, "Can I get you anything, Danny, mate?"

I said, "Is there any air conditioning?"

"Aw, I'll go and check for you, mate."

He never came back, right?

That's not a major problem, I thought,

but I'm on my way to the stage and I saw him

and I said, "Oh, by the way, you forgot...

"what happened with the air conditioning?"

This is what he said. I hadn't heard this phrase before.

He went, "Aww,

"balls out, I totally forgot."

LAUGHTER

There's no need for that.

Your apology is fine.

But it's an Australian way of saying, "to be honest."

They say, "Balls out, mate, balls out, I'm not lying to you.

"Me balls are out, mate, I'm not lying to you,

"look, me balls are out, look at me balls, mate, me balls are out,

"I'm telling you the truth, mate!"

I wonder if that's ever been transferred to a court of law.

"Do you swear to tell the truth,

"the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I think that answers your question."

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Folks, you've been lovely.

Thank you so much. Take care of yourselves. Cheers.

CHEERING

Thank you.

Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen! Danny Bhoy!

Give it up for everyone you saw tonight -

Nina Conti, ladies and gentlemen!

Thanking you and you

and Danny Bhoy as well, ladies and gentlemen!

I've been Dara O Briain.

This is Live at the Apollo. Thank you very much.

Goodnight, see you again. Goodnight, folks.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd