Episode 6 Live at the Apollo


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Greg Davies!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello!

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Hello!

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Live At The Apollo!

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CHEERING

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What a treat, what a treat to be here.

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Let me, er, let me tell you where I'm at tonight,

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before we get going properly.

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Er, about 20 minutes ago, the top elastic of my underpants

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totally snapped.

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This is genuinely true. I haven't bought replacements,

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so make-up have had to tuck them into my belt.

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Realistically, I can already feel that they're working their way down.

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So about halfway through tonight's show, I'm going to

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have some sort of horrific testicular cumberbund,

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I would imagine, just floating about.

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You won't see that cos I'm wearing jeans

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but I'll keep you up-to-date with its progress.

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Let me tell you the worst thing about being

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a fat, middle-aged comedian - cos I am,

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let's not, let's not mess around.

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I'm... Look at, look at what I've done to myself.

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I mean, I look pregnant, it's ridiculous,

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and you know the worst thing about that?

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It's that comedy attracts young, beautiful people.

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So you come out and you see really attractive, beautiful people,

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and you feel like a fraud when you look like this,

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which is why I was so relieved when I came out tonight,

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and saw such a sea of ruined, middle-aged losers.

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Who's over 40 here?

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FEW AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS

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Listen to the misery in those cheers.

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Who's under 25?

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LOUD AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS

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Yes! Yes, all right, well, shut up!

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There's not many of us, we'll take you down with sheer bitterness.

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You don't know what's coming, you people.

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You don't know what's...

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You know what happened to me backstage?

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This isn't my original outfit. I was wearing a tight black t-shirt

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and the producer asked me to change,

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because he said I looked like a bin bag full of coleslaw.

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That's a quote.

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It's true!

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My body is... It's disgusting!

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I looked at myself naked in the mirror, about two hours ago,

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before I came here, I stood in front of the...

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And don't 'woo' that for God's sake.

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I looked at myself naked in a mirror

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and I thought, genuinely, I thought to myself,

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"You know what that looks like? My body looks like it's been carved

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"by a four-year-old child out of a budget block of ham."

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Just a rough approximation of a male, all pink and mottled.

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It's disgusting.

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It's so depressing and yet, I say all those things...

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I'm an amazing lover.

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I am!

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I don't mean... Let me qualify that.

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What I mean is I've been having sex a lot longer than most of you,

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and through all those sexual exploits of mine,

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I picked up the odd thing every now and again that actually worked,

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in all the masses of failures, and I've banked them up here, right?

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So, slowly, over a period of many years,

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I've compiled this sort of greatest hits of sexual moves.

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I've got them all there and I could use them on any of you,

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and I'm sure you'd go crazy.

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Here's the irony. Ready?

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I'm 44 years of age now,

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and now I've got that list, I can't be bothered.

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It's a crime!

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There's only one way all of this amazing sexual knowledge will ever be used,

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and that's if one of you young attractive couples I can see here,

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if you invite me round to your house,

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and I talk you both through it,

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like some awful, sexual puppeteer.

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What I love about the male brain is hope springs eternal.

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I thought this the other day. I was walking down the street.

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Even though I know my limitations, and I know what this looks like,

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I'll see a beautiful 20-something girl walk past me

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and there'll be part of my brain that goes,

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"Maybe she likes ham."

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And I saw the most amazing example of this.

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I went to see my granddad, who's in a home, bless him.

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He's in his 90s, he'd tell you himself -

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he's finished, he's knackered, right.

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He's exhausted, he can't walk,

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he has a little blanket over his knees

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and I went to see him, he was sitting there,

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and I said, "Are you all right, Granddad?"

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He goes, "I'm finished. I hate it, I'm so unhappy,"

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and I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry."

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He goes, "Yeah, never mind, love."

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A nurse walked in, she must have been 25 years of age, right.

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This is what he did. I promise you he did this,

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"Well, hello there."

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As if there was any part of that girl's brain that was thinking,

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"Do you know what I fancy today?

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"I fancy banging a man who gets out of breath eating soup."

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It's awful. It's awful, just being washed up,

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and there's Olympians in tonight, I know that. There's proper Olympians.

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Proper fit athletes.

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WOLF WHISTLES AND CHEERS

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Two of my favourite Olympians in tonight -

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er, Harriet Mills,

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and Luke Patience, my favourite sailors. Where are you, guys?

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Let's give them a round of applause, proper athletes.

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And I loved the Olympics, I loved it because I've no interest in sport.

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Really? Really, right.

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But I loved it. I thought it was such a positive and amazing thing,

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and I got hooked, I got hooked on sports that I didn't know existed.

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I spent a whole afternoon watching synchronised diving,

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I didn't know that existed.

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I spent a whole day watching dressage!

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Have you seen dressage?

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Guys, it's dancing horses!

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Who'd have thought?!

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They dance to music, they do this!

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I didn't even think that was allowed.

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Someone told me you can lead a horse to water,

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but you can't make it drink, yeah?

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Well, apparently, stick Sister Sledge on - they go mental.

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What are we going to have in Rio in four years?

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I've been training my guinea pig, getting him to do the splits.

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He hates it.

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I said, "Come on, Pierre, no pain, no gain!"

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I met the most amazing man the other day.

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He is a man that's confirmed to me that no matter how

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strange we all get in life, there's always someone a bit stranger.

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He was a taxi driver, I flagged him down,

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I was in a perfectly good mood at the time

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and he turned out to be a proper...

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"You what, you toilet? Yeah? You muppet! You love it, wallop!"

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Right? Proper cockney.

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I was in a perfectly good mood. I flagged him down,

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he wound his window down and he said something to me.

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Now, you tell me if this would have annoyed you,

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cos I was perfectly happy.

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He said, "All right, Big Bird, where to, Sesame Street?"

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I was furious!

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I sat in the back of his cab, seething, grinding my teeth,

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and he turned out to be the strangest man I'd ever met.

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Who have you ever met that does this?

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He listed the contents of shops on our route

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that no longer existed, right.

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He went, "Oh, that's a shame, that one used to be the old steak house.

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"It was lovely. You could get your fillets, your T-bones,

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"your burgers, perhaps a lovely beer."

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And I went, "Oh, that is a shame." He goes, "Yeah.

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"There's old Terry's hardware shop there.

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"Used to be able to get your nuts, your bolts, your hammers, your ladders,

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"your hi-vis jackets. Now that's all gone,

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"There's the barbers. Haircuts."

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And I thought, "Well, insane. This man's insane,"

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and I was still fuming over the big bird comment,

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and I was waiting for a chance to get him back.

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I got my chance when we went past a shop that still existed

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in the East End of London. It was a pie and mash shop.

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He went, "Oh, there's the old pie and mash shop there."

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And I went, "Right."

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He goes, "Yeah, I love it in there, delicious pies.

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"I went in there the other day and I tried to get the recipe for their pies."

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I said, "Oh, really?"

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He said, "Yeah, because as well as being a taxi driver,

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"I'm also a successful restaurateur."

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Which, of course, ladies and gentlemen, was a lie.

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And I went, "Did you get the recipe?"

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He goes, "Nah, didn't get it, no, they wouldn't give it to me.

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"They said it was a family secret."

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I said, "That's a shame.

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He goes, "It is a shame because they're delicious, their pies,"

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and he said the strangest thing I've ever heard.

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Try and get your heads round this.

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He went, "Yeah, it is a pity because

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"it's not just pie they put in those, you know."

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I went, "I'm sorry, mate?"

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He goes, "It's not just pie they put in those."

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I went, "What, in pies?"

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He goes, "Yeah." I said, "Pie's not an ingredient, mate.

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He went, "What?!"

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I said, "Pie's made up of constituent parts brought together.

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"It's not an ingredient."

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He goes, "What are you talking about? A pie's a pie."

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I said, "Is it? Cos Jamie Oliver's shows are going to be a bit shit from now on, aren't they?

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He goes, "How do you mean?" I said, "I'll show you."

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"Hello, everyone, I'm Jamie Oliver. Today, I'll be making a lasagne.

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"I'll just get the ingredients...

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"A lasagne!"

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He goes, "Oh, yeah. Very clever, son,

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"but a lasagne is not a pie."

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I said, "It may as well be, using your system"

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"What are you going to do if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?"

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He goes, "I'll change the tyre."

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I said, "You can't, because tyre is part of taxi,

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"so you must throw taxi away."

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He goes, "I dunno what you're talking about"

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I said, "Do you honestly not?" All right, I'll help you."

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He goes, "Well, I'd like you to explain it to me."

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I said, "All right, we'll do a role play."

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He went, "OK, let's do a role play."

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This happened, right.

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I went, "Right, I'm a cake shop owner." He goes, "OK."

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I went, "Right, you come in to buy a cake."

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He said, "I'll have a cake, please."

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I said, "Hang on a minute, you've got a fatal nut allergy."

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He went, "Fine." I went, "Right, let's go."

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This happened.

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He was in the front of the cab, I went, "Good morning, sir."

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He went, "Good morning."

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I said, "Can I help you?" He goes, "I'd like a cake, please."

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I said, "Certainly, sir. Which cake would you like?"

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Here, he went up a bit in my estimation a bit as he went,

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"I'll have that one there."

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Amazing, right?

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He did!

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And that's where I pulled out my ace card.

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I went, "Ah, excellent choice! The nut surprise.

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He went, "Hold up a minute, I'm not allowed to have nuts."

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I said, "Oh, dear, have you got an allergy?

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"I'd better check the ingredients for you, hadn't I?

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"No, you're absolutely fine, sir.

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"The only thing in this cake IS CAKE!"

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He said, "I can see nuts on it there, right."

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I said, "No, I baked this and the only ingredient I used was cake,

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"so put it in your big fat face and swell up like a balloon and die."

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He went, "Oh, yeah, very good, but at the end of the day,

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"a lasagne is not a pie, a cake is not a pie,

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"a taxi is not a pie."

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I said, "There's no such thing as pie!

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"A pie is made up of meat, of gravy, of pastry and one other thing.

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He said, "What's the other thing?"

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I said, "I'm not telling you, it's a family secret!"

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Don't mess with me, taxi drivers!

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Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted and proud

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to be presenting this wonderful show tonight.

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Two amazing comics I know you're going to absolutely love.

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Here's the way I'll do it, someone starts the clapping politely,

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I'll turn up an invisible volume switch,

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you go crazy, I'll bring him on.

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His name is Mr Hal Cruttenden,

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you'll have a brilliant time in his company.

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Ladies and gentlemen, start the applause for me...

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APPLAUSE

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..turn the volume up.

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Turn it up one more.

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One more!

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Ladies and gentlemen, the superb Mr Hal Cruttenden!

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Thank you very much.

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Can I say, I'm genuinely...

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I'm really excited to just be out on the town. I am.

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No, I'm excited to be inside, obviously.

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I find the streets quite, quite stressful. Erm...

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LAUGHTER

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Don't you find that people do that in London?

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People walk the street, they're very defensive.

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Everyone's got that kind of...don't mess with me look, you know?

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Even old people are like...

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"I'm 83, but I'm a bloody ninja. Just try it!"

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Sometimes, people are frightened of me.

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This is absolutely true. I've been walking home late at night,

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there's a woman, by herself in front of me,

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she does that little half-turn,

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and I can tell she thinks I'm following her.

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I speed up to try and overtake.

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She speeds up.

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I can't slow down cos I'm a little bit worried about the guy 20 yards behind me.

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There's probably ten of us in a line going, "Oh, bloody hell!"

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I got offered drugs on the street the other day. I did.

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I'm at an age now when I get offered drugs, I'm just really flattered.

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I'm just walking down the street, a guy goes,

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"Do you want Charlie, sensi skunk?"

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I said, "No, I don't, but thank you VERY much for asking."

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I actually said to this guy, "I think I'm a bit old for that,"

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and he said, "You're not too old, man."

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How lovely is that?

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People say drug dealers are scum,

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but some of them are bloody nice blokes actually.

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I am, I'm feeling old,

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I had a horrible old man thought the other day.

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I was talking to a girl in her early 20s,

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I wasn't going to do anything because I am married.

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I'm married to a woman. I know what you were thinking. Shut up.

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Honestly, it's just a stage persona.

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You know, offstage, I'm sort of dark, dangerous, little bit sexy.

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On stage...

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Sorry, I was saying... I was talking to this girl,

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I was talking to this girl in her early 20s,

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I had a horrible old man thought, really horrible.

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I'm chatting away and it just popped in there.

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I thought to myself, "If I was 20 years younger."

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I was thinking, "Who the hell am I kidding?

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"I was never good with women. What am I talking about?!"

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That thought should be, "If I was 20 years younger,

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"I'd get really obsessed with you, I really would."

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"And do absolutely nothing about it."

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I was rubbish. I looked great then as well, I looked great, I was young.

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You young people just enjoy this time. Who is young here?

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You two? There's a woman going, "I am here," next to...

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Yeah, just enjoy this time, OK.

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Do you think you look good for your age, you look good at the moment?

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You're really not sure?

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This is the best you're ever going to look, honestly.

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Enjoy this time.

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I remember at school, a PE teacher made a little speech to our class.

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He said, "Do you know what, boys?"

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We were 17. He said, "Do you know what, boys? Enjoy this time.

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"This is the best your bodies are ever going to be.

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"Get as fit as you can,

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"you can do stuff now you will never be able to do again."

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And I remember thinking at the time,

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"I don't think he should be in the shower with us,"

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but it was a bloody good speech.

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But I looked great then,

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and now I'm constantly trying to watch the weight.

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I've been two stone heavier than this, been lighter than this,

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I've got a problem with eating. I'm addicted to eating.

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It's worse than being a heroin addict cos at least they look good in skinny jeans, but you know...

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I-I-I'm possessed when I eat, honestly.

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I eat very fast and I cannot be interrupted,

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and I love Nando's, it's the worst place to eat like that.

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CHEERING

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But they always interrupt you, all through the meal,

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"Is everything OK with your meal?"

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HE MAKES SCOFFING NOISES

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Leave me alone!

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I consume food, I use food, I don't savour it or enjoy it,

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I'd be rubbish on MasterChef.

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On MasterChef, you've always got someone going,

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"Mm, that's slightly overcooked but, mm, that's a beautiful fusion

0:18:350:18:38

"of different flavours, yeah. Mm.

0:18:380:18:40

"I can really taste the coconut coming through now.

0:18:400:18:44

"Hal, what do you think?"

0:18:440:18:45

SCOFFING NOISES

0:18:450:18:47

I JUST FEEL HAPPIER!

0:18:550:18:57

We are falling apart socially, aren't we?

0:19:080:19:10

We have got riots, we've got strikes,

0:19:100:19:12

we've got civil disobedience, we've got people protesting.

0:19:120:19:15

We're in terrible trouble, economically, Europe is screwed.

0:19:150:19:18

Only Germany's OK, aren't they?

0:19:180:19:20

Everyone's looking to Germany to show strong leadership over the euro

0:19:200:19:24

and Germany is a little bit like Dr David Banner from the Hulk TV series,

0:19:240:19:28

saying, "Don't ask us to show strong leadership.

0:19:280:19:31

"You won't like us when we show strong leadership."

0:19:350:19:38

Germany's at the top, of course. Greece is at the bottom.

0:19:460:19:49

Greece is the worst. Any Greeks here?

0:19:490:19:51

FEW SHOUTS

0:19:510:19:52

Yeah? Buy them a drink, people, cos they're quite short.

0:19:520:19:56

They never tell us on the news what we really want to know about Greece.

0:19:560:19:59

What we really want to know about Greece is,

0:19:590:20:02

does this economic disaster mean it is more or less expensive

0:20:020:20:05

to go on holiday to Greece? That's all we want to know, isn't it?

0:20:050:20:08

That's all we want. What is the cost of two weeks' half-board in Corfu?

0:20:100:20:14

The British people deserve an answer!

0:20:140:20:16

You've been a delight, enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you very much.

0:20:210:20:24

I'm Hal Cruttenden. Thank you, thank you very much.

0:20:240:20:27

Mr Hal Cruttenden!

0:20:340:20:36

Funny man.

0:20:380:20:39

Believe me, you are going to continue to have a nice time

0:20:410:20:43

when I bring the next act on. He's one of my favourite acts.

0:20:430:20:46

We'll do the same thing - you clap, I'll turn the volume up.

0:20:460:20:49

His name's Simon Evans, he is awesome.

0:20:490:20:51

-Are you ready for your final act of tonight's show?

-Yeah!

0:20:510:20:54

Start the clapping.

0:20:540:20:56

Up in the balconies, let's turn the volume up.

0:20:560:20:59

Let's turn it up.

0:20:590:21:02

Turn it up again.

0:21:020:21:04

One more!

0:21:040:21:05

Ladies and gentleman, Mr Simon Evans!

0:21:050:21:09

Thank you.

0:21:190:21:21

Thank you very much.

0:21:230:21:24

Well, that was all a bit unnecessary, wasn't it?

0:21:240:21:27

Very nice to be back in London.

0:21:270:21:29

I lived in London for most of my adult life.

0:21:290:21:31

Moved down about four years ago, we moved out of London to Hove.

0:21:310:21:34

Brighton and Hove is two ends of the same place.

0:21:340:21:37

There is a rivalry.

0:21:370:21:38

Brighton regards Hove as being rather posh and middle-class,

0:21:380:21:41

because in Hove women often pause to put their kebab down

0:21:410:21:44

before squatting down to urinate in the gutter.

0:21:440:21:47

On a Friday night.

0:21:490:21:51

And that sort of behaviour is considered a bit lah-di-dah in Brighton.

0:21:510:21:55

"Stick it in your cleavage like the rest of us, darling."

0:21:550:21:59

The women in Brighton, actually, to be fair,

0:22:010:22:03

it is the hen parties who visit,

0:22:030:22:04

recreational hen parties come down at the weekend.

0:22:040:22:07

I know I'm going to sound middle-aged and out of touch,

0:22:070:22:10

I'm not saying they dress like prostitutes,

0:22:100:22:12

but, seriously, I think if you were a prostitute, working in Brighton

0:22:120:22:17

on a Saturday night, you probably need to wear a badge or something.

0:22:170:22:21

"Actual prostitute", something of that sort.

0:22:240:22:27

It would be very hard to distinguish yourself through dress alone,

0:22:270:22:31

I would say that.

0:22:310:22:32

People are just going to take pot luck and probably save a few quid.

0:22:330:22:37

I have two children.

0:22:410:22:42

A boy and a girl, one of each.

0:22:430:22:45

That is, as I'm sure you're familiar with, the format.

0:22:450:22:48

And people think you're very lucky to have one of each, of course,

0:22:500:22:53

and people have third, fourth, fifth abomina... er, children, erm,

0:22:530:22:56

attempting to complete the set. Please don't get hung up on that.

0:22:560:23:00

My experience is it really doesn't matter what the sex of the child is.

0:23:000:23:03

Every child is a burden and a curse. It really makes no difference.

0:23:030:23:07

Young Edward - he's just turned three.

0:23:090:23:11

By which I mean, he's reached the age of three,

0:23:110:23:14

rather than converted his first lesbians.

0:23:140:23:16

And he is... He'll do anything for a sticker, that boy,

0:23:160:23:19

but that's beyond him for a while yet.

0:23:190:23:21

Looking forward, in fact, to his third Christmas now.

0:23:230:23:27

Technically his fourth, but the first one he was naughty,

0:23:270:23:31

so that was that. But, um...

0:23:310:23:32

LAUGHTER

0:23:320:23:34

But he is a bit of a handful. Small boys are.

0:23:340:23:36

There are times I wish he had been a handful about four years ago.

0:23:360:23:39

That would have saved me a few quid, but it's done now.

0:23:390:23:42

I'm kidding, of course, I love him dearly, he's like a dog to me,

0:23:430:23:46

but you have to understand.

0:23:460:23:47

We go to such lengths to conceal reality for them

0:23:490:23:51

and to make them live in this fluffy, pink cloud all the time.

0:23:510:23:54

We take them at the weekend now to farms,

0:23:540:23:56

because we live in Hove and farms are available.

0:23:560:23:59

These aren't real farms. They may have been farms once upon a time.

0:23:590:24:02

They're all called things like Sunnyside Farm, Blackberry farm.

0:24:020:24:05

They consist of two llamas, a lamb, a tractor ride at five quid a go,

0:24:050:24:08

and some vast gift shop full of artisan marmalade

0:24:080:24:11

and hand-wanked cider you're supposed to get excited about.

0:24:110:24:15

My kids must be utterly baffled as to how this kind of enterprise

0:24:150:24:19

can supply the food demands of East Sussex.

0:24:190:24:22

I certainly am,

0:24:220:24:23

and I would like to take them to an actual farm one day,

0:24:230:24:25

something that supplies the stuff in their packed lunches on a regular basis.

0:24:250:24:29

Some vast, fluorescent-lit shed in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and Alsatians,

0:24:290:24:34

and full of hobbling abominations of turkey flesh

0:24:340:24:37

that are unable to support their hormone-inflated bodies on the hideous stumps of their legs,

0:24:370:24:42

as they try desperately to get away from the stench of their own effluent

0:24:420:24:45

and peck blindly at each other with their stumps of their beaks.

0:24:450:24:49

That would be an educational day out for the kids.

0:24:490:24:51

My God, it is hard work bringing up kids,

0:24:570:24:59

and you have so many fears and anxieties.

0:24:590:25:01

My latest one is the considerable tide of opinion that seems to suggest

0:25:010:25:04

all children here will be utterly morbidly obese in the next ten years.

0:25:040:25:08

The statistics on this are terrifying and I want to talk about it,

0:25:080:25:11

but it is very difficult to approach through comedy

0:25:110:25:14

as it's a sensitive subject. Adult obesity, too.

0:25:140:25:16

I certainly won't address the women on this subject

0:25:160:25:19

as I understand, for women, body shape and weight gain -

0:25:190:25:22

it's a far more complex matter.

0:25:220:25:24

It's to do with slow metabolism and bones and so on. I understand that.

0:25:240:25:28

But, gentlemen, I think we need to take responsibility.

0:25:300:25:33

We were all given a bit of a fillip and encouragement by the Olympics.

0:25:330:25:36

Let's try and keep this mentality going.

0:25:360:25:38

The government have made it terrifically complicated now.

0:25:380:25:41

They've come up with something called the Body Mass Index.

0:25:410:25:44

You need a calculator to work out if you're fat or not.

0:25:440:25:47

This is an old-fashioned British approach,

0:25:470:25:49

which has stood me in good stead - five alarm bells.

0:25:490:25:51

The first one rings if you look down and realise you can no longer see your belt buckle.

0:25:510:25:56

If you take action at that point, you'll thank yourself later.

0:25:560:25:59

It's very easy to correct the fault.

0:25:590:26:01

Second alarm bell rings if you look down and realise you can no longer see what,

0:26:010:26:05

for the purposes of this section, I shall refer to as your...cock.

0:26:050:26:09

That is a little more serious and if you can no longer see your feet,

0:26:100:26:13

you're in real trouble. And those of you thinking,

0:26:130:26:16

"Well, if I can't see my cock, I won't be able to see my feet,

0:26:160:26:18

"ha-ha-ha,"

0:26:180:26:20

you're exactly the sort of self-deluded fools who are most at risk.

0:26:200:26:24

The fourth alarm bell rings when you can no longer see your cock in a mirror.

0:26:260:26:32

Oh, yes, they're out there.

0:26:380:26:40

And the fifth and final bell rings when you can no longer see it with two mirrors and an erection.

0:26:410:26:46

Now, at that point, you're no doubt too busy pleasuring yourself with the folds of your own flesh

0:26:460:26:51

to worry what the rest of us think, and it's none of my business.

0:26:510:26:54

Listen, I'm not the police, I don't care what you get up to.

0:26:540:26:56

Nature has its compensations.

0:26:560:26:58

All I am saying, is it wise as a society

0:26:580:27:01

that we choose to reward this excessive level of corpulence with subsidised transport?

0:27:010:27:05

And I'm not talking about the odd bus pass.

0:27:050:27:08

I'm talking about these three-wheeled electrical 'obesycles', I call them.

0:27:080:27:12

I don't know if that is the correct term.

0:27:120:27:14

You've seen them.

0:27:140:27:15

Mobility scooters - they were designed for the elderly and infirm

0:27:150:27:19

but they have been hijacked recently.

0:27:190:27:21

Not literally, I hope.

0:27:210:27:23

My God, that would be a long-winded and tedious crime

0:27:230:27:26

to watch unfold if it is going on.

0:27:260:27:27

Somehow, they've got hold of them.

0:27:280:27:30

They look ridiculous.

0:27:300:27:32

The first one I saw - he was so vast,

0:27:320:27:34

he appeared to be hovering up the street.

0:27:340:27:36

He concealed the vehicle entirely.

0:27:360:27:38

He looked like Jabba the Hutt on a magic carpet.

0:27:380:27:41

I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds.

0:27:410:27:43

"You've mastered the art of levitation - you won't burn off many calories that way."

0:27:430:27:48

It's only when I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs

0:27:480:27:51

and his right trouser leg started flashing orange

0:27:510:27:53

as he turned into Greggs, I realised what was going on.

0:27:530:27:56

Anyway, folks, it's been an absolute pleasure speaking to you this evening.

0:28:010:28:05

I do hope you've enjoyed the evening.

0:28:050:28:07

I've been Simon Evans. Thank you very much, good night.

0:28:070:28:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:090:28:12

Simon Evans!

0:28:160:28:17

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.

0:28:210:28:24

You've been a wonderful audience.

0:28:240:28:26

-Have you had nice time?

-Yeah!

-It's been a real pleasure.

0:28:260:28:28

Do me a favour - thank the two wonderful acts

0:28:280:28:31

who entertained you on tonight's brilliant show.

0:28:310:28:33

First, you saw Mr Hal Cruttenden.

0:28:330:28:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:350:28:37

Then you saw the lovely Mr Simon Evans!

0:28:370:28:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:390:28:41

This has been Live At The Apollo,

0:28:410:28:43

My name's Greg Davies. I'll see you again, good night!

0:28:430:28:45

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0:29:100:29:13

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