Episode 5 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Omid Djalili.

Good evening! Are you well?

You all had a drink?

You all up for a laugh?

And THAT is why the West must be destroyed!

You know, when I travel round the world doing

stand-up comedy, I love languages. And you can pick up

languages by talking to people, just by talking to people.

Which is why I know the words, "Get off, you're crap!"

in 12 languages, actually.

SPEAKS UZBEK

Yeah, like the Uzbeks know anything about comedy!

But sometimes, speaking a different language is actually quite helpful.

Like, for example, I love Italian food, but I hate it

when they leave the shells on the prawns.

But if you speak to the Italian waiter in his own language,

he can sort it out. I'll say, "Si, come stai?

"Allora. Per favore, e possibile, i gamberoni...

"Can you take the shells off?"

Haven't quite mastered it yet.

It also works in Arabic shops as well.

I'll go up to an Arab, I'll say,

"Habibi..."

SPEAKS FARSI

"How much are the detonators? Do you know how much they cost?"

I hear we have lots of celebrities here tonight, and I have to

say that part of this show is that every now and again, the comedians

can make fun of the celebrities, and make fun of people who have a

higher status than them, people who have a higher status than them.

So moving on, it's great to be here.

And I have to tell you, you can relax!

Biggins! I love Biggins!

But you know, this week is very hard.

I went to Blockbuster DVD. I was looking for Al Gore's

movie on the environment. You know Al Gore's movie on the environment?

And I couldn't find it. I said, "Excuse me.

"Do you have An Inconvenient Truth?"

The guy goes, "Yeah. You're fat cos you eat too much."

But it was a great year for anyone in the Middle East because

before the Arab Spring started, we had the meeting of all meetings.

We had Barack Obama meeting the Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak.

What a great introduction that was!

"Barack, Mubarak. Mubarak, Barack."

Three years I was waiting for that.

It's like a Tommy Cooper routine, isn't it?

"Barack, Mubarak. Mubarak, Barack. Mubarak, Barack. Barack, Mubarak.

"Mubarak, Barack.

"How'd you lose your country?" "Just like that."

Three years! Three years I was waiting for that.

And last year was the year they killed Osama bin Laden.

We all remember where we were when bin Laden was killed.

I remember where I was. I was in a compound in Abbottabad,

pretending to be a woman.

We spent ten years looking for bin Laden.

We scoured 27 countries, looking for bin Laden.

We spent 2 billion, looking for bin Laden.

Where do we find him? In his house!

APPLAUSE

But the Arab Spring went all round the world.

It started in Tunisia, then it went to Egypt and Syria.

Every country in the Middle East was galvanised. Everywhere except Dubai.

Because Dubai is a very interesting country. They're a bit too, umm...

There's too much money there. There were people on the streets,

going, "What do we want? Democracy! When do we want it?

"After happy hour!"

And when you go there, they always give you some kind of...

There's always a guide who goes, "Omid, you come here.

"You come to Dubai. We are the Las Vegas of the Middle East.

"You want girl? We get you girl.

"You want drink? You can drink. You want to gamble? You can gamble.

"All day long. Girl, drink, gamble. Gamble, drink, girl.

"Drink, girl... You want to drink girl? We blend girl, you drink it!"

"You want all three?

"We blend girl, you drink it, we bet how quickly you down it in one!"

I said, "Actually, no. I'm not into all of that. I'm quite hungry."

"Ah, what you want, my friend? Anything you want."

I said, "I quite fancy a bacon sandwich."

He went, "Pork?! What do you think we are, infidels?

"This is a Muslim country!

"Now kindly drink your woman and leave!"

HE MOUTHS

APPLAUSE

Applause!

Applause! That means so much to me because, you know...

because... No, I am... because I'm a theatre ponce.

No, I am, deep down. I don't like... I'm very uncomfortable

with all this, I have to say. Look, you're all here. It's one

man in this big thing, trying to make 3,600 people laugh.

I'm very uncomfortable with this. No, it is,

because there's a thin line between being genuinely entertaining

and mental illness.

It is! I've seen the tapes of my...

I used to do Godzilla impressions, you know. What was that?

"Here's my impression of Godzilla having his toe stepped on."

SHRIEKS

That's not comedy. That's neurosis!

"Here's my impression of Godzilla, having asked for Earl Grey tea,

"but actually getting a coffee."

SHRIEKS

SLURPS

SHRIEKS

That's not comedy. That's cos my father didn't love me!

I'll do one more. "Here's Godzilla, having voted Liberal Democrat,

"but realising how much influence Nick Clegg actually has."

SHRIEKS

Thank you so much. I love you smiling.

I'll get to you in a minute.

But I like to sing, ladies and gentlemen, you know?

I did... I played Fagin in Oliver.

And some people know that it's very hard for an Iranian to keep a tune.

You know, I talked about this before,

we had a tribute band to S Club 7 in Iran.

And they could never keep the tune. They'd say, "Come on, guys."

# Don't stop, never give up, hold Your head high and reach the top

# The creamiest milk, The lightest bar

# The goodness that's In milky bar. #

We get confused mid-song.

And I'm up there. I'm playing Fagin. I'm going,

# You've got to pick-a-pocket or two

# Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooys

# Ya-di-da-da

# Ya-di-da-da

# Ya-di-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

# Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ahhhh

# Papa, can you hear me?

# Papa, can you see me?

# Papa, can you find me in the dark?

# If I were a rich man

# Yaba-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo- Deedee-deedee-dum

# All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum

# If I were a wealthy man

# I wouldn't have to work hard

# Yaba-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo- Deedee-deedee-dum

# All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum

# If I were a wealthy man

# Sibenya

# Bakabishbakaba. #

I don't care. I don't care.

I don't give a shit! I've lost my mind.

But we have some wonderful... I was joking about the celebrities.

Christopher Biggins is here. I have to say, I'm a big fan of yours.

Christopher Biggins is fantastic. Love this guy!

I really genuinely love him.

I love the fact that you say on your CV that you are "openly gay".

I love that because I don't know if...

I've actually never met a closed gay.

Gay friends of mine say you can't say "closed gay",

but you can say "Tory Cabinet minister".

Antony Worrall Thompson is here. This man...

I have a poster of this guy on my wall.

This guy is absolutely amazing. He's well known for creating

the most unhealthy pudding of all time.

Five Snickers bars, mascarpone sauce, puff pastry, cream.

One slice is 1,200 calories!

The man's a genius.

I mean, look at him! A ginger bloke, who makes pies out of Snickers,

and sometimes walks out of a shop without paying.

This man, I nominate you as King of Scotland!

I love this guy!

James Caan is here. A true legend. I love this man.

From Dragons' Den, ladies and gentlemen. James Caan!

Beautiful man.

It's amazing how you also did the Youth Dragons' Den.

Remember there was a Youth Dragons' Den?

Which is basically just pissing on young people's dreams.

"I want to sell lemonade on the street!"

"Been there, done that. Move on. Who's next?"

But I will say, ladies and gentlemen,

this kind of stuff, it's always hard to get laughs

because people do get offended and I hate to offend.

It's just a gift I have. It is!

It is, because I was in Wales and I told... I said, "I love the

"fact people in Wales, you love your kind of terrorism, don't you?"

About 100 years ago, they used to put bombs by the sewers,

by the rivers. And whenever English dignitaries would come,

no-one would die, they'd just shower them with sewage.

I said, "It's great to be in the home of sewer-side bombing." OK?

And people got offended because you come here

with your suicide bombing jokes.

I used to do jokes about suicide bombing. I'd say, you know,

"There are now suicide bomber schools now.

"I mean, how does that even work?"

"Where's your bag?"

"Oh, I left it on the bus."

"Well done. House point."

But I will say this, ladies and gentlemen,

I will say, all this ethnic stuff that people do, it's had its time.

It's time to move on.

But the Kenyan President is called Mwai Kibaki.

And that is funny shit.

Look it up on Wikipedia.

Kenyan President, Mwai Kibaki.

But the BBC news presenters refuse to call him Wacky Backy

because it's a euphemism for marijuana.

They say, "Today, the Kenyan President, Um-Way-Kay Bay-Kay..."

"..arrived in London with his Foreign Secretary,

"Mr Huge Spliff...

"..and his Minister for Interiors, Mr I-Fancy-A-Mars-Bar.

"And also his wife,

"Mrs I-Got-De-Munchies, Where-Is-De-Fridge?"

I love young people, you know.

I was on a long-haul flight once. I was flying a ten-hour flight.

There was a young person sat next to me. I thought,

"We haven't had a chat. It's two hours in. I might have a quick chat.

"Hello, do you want to have a quick chat? Might make the time go by quicker.

She went, "Sure, what do you want to talk about?"

I said facetiously, "Why don't we talk about Iran's nuclear weapons programme?"

And she goes, "All right, then." And she put down her crayon.

She goes, "Before we do that, can I ask YOU a question?"

I said, "Sure." "When a horsey does a poo-poo, it comes out in long tubes,

"and yet when a sheep does a poo-poo, it comes out in little pellets,

"and yet when a cow does a poo-poo, it comes out in flat, round pats.

"Why is that?"

I said, "That's actually a very good question. I've got no idea."

She goes, "Well, how do you expect me to talk about

"Iran's nuclear weapons programme when you don't know shit?"

OK. We're now going to move on, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you all ready? Are you ready for the first act for tonight?

All the way from Atlanta, Georgia, one of my favourite acts,

please will you welcome Mr Reginald D Hunter?

Thank you very much. I sure appreciate it.

All right, all right. Look at you! Look at you!

Thank you for coming out tonight, and I understand a lot of folks

here tonight, a lot of them are Olympic people here, man.

The Olympic people, ya'll made Britain feel good. Good on you. Good.

Cos I know a lot of British people who don't like shit,

but they love the Olympics. They're like, "I'm really into it.

"I can't believe it." But you slag off everything! "I know, I know!"

I told one of my buddies. I said, "You're not even nationalistic.

"It don't even look right on you." And he says,

"I'm not proud to be British, but I'm bloody grateful!"

By a show of hands, how many people in this room

feel that John Terry is racist?

By another show of hands,

how many people feel that John Terry is NOT racist?

By another show of hands, how many people feel,

based on the evidence provided, that it is inconclusive?

And by a final show of hands, how many people know it doesn't matter

a damn bit of difference whether or not John terry is racist,

cos correct me if I'm wrong, he's a goddamn football player, right?

It doesn't matter whether or not a football player is racist.

That's like being concerned if there were pickpockets at Auschwitz.

It just don't matter.

Man, and I don't even care about football.

I don't care about any of it. I was in America when it broke.

I had e-mails asking me, "What do you think about John Terry?

"What do you think about John Terry? What do you make of that?"

I didn't go looking for John Terry. He came looking for me.

And just, you know, I didn't care.

And I looked at the little FA Zapruder film.

It looks like he probably said something racist to another man

in a field of players who more than likely shout racial

and sexual epithets at each other

to get each other off their game, in a stadium full of racists.

And I know racists are not very popular at the minute,

but we still have to give them somewhere to go.

But, man, I believe that there's nothing in the world,

no problem, that's not solvable within 15 minutes of honest,

specific, considerate conversation.

That's right, because if you accurately identify the problem,

then you halfway solve it. That's right. In the Bible,

God told Adam to name the animals

so that he would have dominion over them.

Or, as my favourite Austrian philosopher,

Schwarzenegger, says, "If it bleeds, we can kill it."

But there's lots of people who ain't into problem solving.

If you go on the internet and they have people, they call them trolls,

and they go around, and what they do is they misframe the issue,

so that you can never solve anything. All they do is misframe stuff.

Like, for instance,

in America, the abortion debate is a misframed issue.

And just, all right, fundamentalist Conservative Christians,

they believe that an embryo in a woman's body is sacred,

and nobody should harm it.

But they don't believe that the same embryo,

once it leave a woman's body, should be exempt from execution

or going off to war and killing other embryos,

as long as they're foreign.

So if we are specific

and stay on topic with this debate, what we're trying to decide between

us is what age is appropriate to start killing human beings.

And if we stay on topic, we should solve it in about a week.

And, like, there's lots of people who try to sound like they're

solving problems, but they ain't.

American politicians, they love using this phrase,

"We're going to send them a message.

"We're going to send the terrorists a message.

"We're going to send the Palestinians a message.

"We're going to send Wall Street a message."

But a message is for somebody you ain't talking to. You don't need a message for somebody

that you are engaging in dialogue with. And, like, the same

American Christians, the extremist ones, they have this phrase that they use.

You can be having a regular, lucid conversation with them, and all of a sudden, you'll hear,

"It's God's plan." And that means, "I'm done thinking."

I went to see that movie The Iron Lady,

and I didn't like it much at first, but I watched it a second

and a third time, and it started growing on me.

And don't get me wrong. Margaret Thatcher, I consider her,

she worked for the other side.

And, you know, her side basically believed that poverty is a choice.

Or as a result of bad planning or just plain laziness.

And while that can be A truth, it is not THE truth.

But by the third time I watched it, I felt myself starting to empathise

with her and starting to like her a little bit and I didn't want to!

It's like being horny for a homeless person,

it don't feel right, it don't feel right!

So I started reading about her

and, you know, saw a couple of documentaries,

and I got know more about her and everything and, you know,

she was an idealist.

She was wrong in a lot of her ideas, but she believed in them.

She wasn't just a jobbing politician

who would say anything for your vote or your money.

I'm at a party one night and fell into a conversation

with a young lady and she is conversationally swift,

and we're having a good time and we talking about gender politics

and I just happened to say,

"Of all the female icons women are encouraged to reach for

"almost none of them reach for Thatcher."

"I mean hell, they almost all reach for Madonna

"before they reach for Thatcher,"

and she got a little pissy and she said, "Well, absolutely."

"Madonna broke that glass ceiling

"that had been oppressing women for decades."

"Madonna showed women they could be sexy, healthy and vital

"well into their forties and fifties, she showed women that they could

"and should be smart business people."

Some of that's true, but how about this?

Thatcher reached all the way to the top in the most male-dominated

profession in the world and she didn't shake her ass one time.

APPLAUSE

She didn't shake her ass,

she didn't undo her cleavage before she went into a meeting with the boys

and she didn't suck a dick to jump the queue, she was true to game.

So this lady got even more pissy and said, "Sounds like you love her!"

I said, "M-m-maybe I do!"

"Sounds like you'd shag her!"

I said, "I would, but out of respect."

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

I believe I have fulfilled my contractual obligation this evening.

Let's try to do it again sometimes. My name is Reginald D Hunter.

Have a good night.

Reginald D Hunter!

Don't be fooled, he's from Guildford.

Are you ready for the last act, ladies and gentlemen?

AUDIENCE CHEER

I love this man!

Please will you welcome Britain's biggest homosexual,

Mr Julian Clary!

How exciting!

Thank you.

Yes, Britain's biggest homosexual, do you get it?

How we laughed when we thought that one up.

I'm less keen on it now.

Just get myself comfortable.

My face is up here, madam, if you don't mind.

I had a platoon of Ghurkhas marching through here earlier.

I started my career in the circus, I was the human cannon ball,

I used to shoot over the ringmaster's back.

I know what you're thinking. You're distracted, aren't you?

You're thinking, "What the Dickens is he playing at?"

"Reduced to such a cheap gimmick."

"We remember Julian as an inspiration to us."

"There was no-one else like Julian,

"or as we used to call him, that poof from Channel 4."

Well, can I explain, I am still your Julian, ladies and gentleman,

camp comic and renowned homosexual, winner of Celebrity Big Brother.

APPLAUSE

These are the very hands that have been down Coleen Nolan's bra!

Erm, no, the fact is I'm looking for love.

I'm looking for someone to curl up on the sofa with

and watch Deal Or No Deal.

Someone to share a pork chop with on a Friday night,

someone to ejaculate over the TV times with.

I'm just like everyone else in that respect.

OK, I'm going to remove these trousers now.

I think we've had enough, excuse me.

AUDIENCE WHOOP

Thank you. Bear with me.

Honestly, I don't know why I put myself through this.

These stilts cost hundreds of pounds

and they only make me 18 inches taller.

To think, I could have sat on Ronnie Corbett's shoulders for nothing.

It's an age thing. I'm 53 now.

It's rather crept up on me.

A bit like a Catholic priest in a public lavatory.

Here you are, Bertha. Look after these, please.

I don't trust the technical staff in this theatre.

Or as we call them, drug dealers.

If anyone wants some bath salts to go home with, Dave's your man.

My knee pads, which I will be wanting after the show.

Christopher Biggins is coming to visit me in my dressing room.

He's an animal.

That's better. Well, I am worn out before we even start.

Cos I've not been well since I came out of the Big Brother house,

I've had it all down here yesterday.

I've had it all down here today. I can't wait for tomorrow.

So, Hammersmith.

If I can't pull down here then I might as well

get the rug making equipment out.

I'd better explain.

I am coming to terms with the end of a long-term relationship.

Some of you may know my ex-boyfriend Rolf,

some of you may have slept with him.

He's a lovely man, don't get me wrong,

always the first one to reach for the wet wipes.

But I'm straying from the point.

Rolf, you see, what happened, he got a well-paid job

which meant he was working all the hours.

So, you know, I would be bed at six o'clock I the morning,

where he would go off to work,

I would be back in bed gone midnight when he would return.

For the last six months of our relationship,

I don't think he ever saw me, standing up.

I was always in bed,

it must have been like going out with a Pyjama case.

And inevitably, I would stray.

I was left at home unattended all day, and every Wednesday

I'd go down the car wash, and you know what it's like in those places,

five or six swarthy asylum seekers

leaping all over you with their squeegees and their hoses.

I knew it was wrong, you know, I thought,

"Well, I shouldn't be doing this."

"For one thing, I haven't got a car."

And Rolf knew something was up, he came home every Wednesday and said

"Why are the tips of your fingers all wrinkled, sport?"

It was Rolf Harris.

I said, "Well I've been swimming",

he said "Well, why do you smell of turtle wax?"

And there was no explanation for that.

He burst into tears, packed his bags and left.

And we had to terminate our civil partnership.

Very upsetting, you know everything has to be divided down the middle.

I don't know if you've ever tried listening to an Olly Murs CD

once it's been cut in half.

It's a great improvement.

So, there are, I hear, some rather charming people here this evening

and, excuse me, someone's caught my eye.

I'm going to nip down here, please don't touch me or breathe on me.

I am already spoken for, and it's the Olympians I'm looking for.

What's your name?

Geraint.

Geraint. Would you like to come with me, Geraint?

A round of applause, please, for this Olympian here.

Nothing to worry about, Geraint.

You're a kind of cyclist person, are you, Geraint?

Yeah.

You are a cyclist, that's very exciting.

I was at the Olympics myself,

performing in the synchronized rimming event.

So, did you get any golds?

Yeah, I got a second gold medal, yeah.

Gold medal.

APPLAUSE

Perhaps you'll get a bronze this evening.

Well, Hammersmith has talent after all. Is your hair naturally curly?

Yeah.

Yes? Nature can be cruel.

We don't have long, we only have half an hour before my Viagra kicks in.

So I have struck lucky, ladies and gentleman,

I have found the man who is going to slip his finger into my ring.

Thank you very much and good night.

Ladies and gentleman, Mr Julian Clary!

Right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.

You've been a wonderful audience, so that's it.

Let's give a round of applause for all the acts you've seen tonight,

Mr Julian Clary!

And Reginald D Hunter!

I've been Omid Djalili. Thank you very much. Goodnight!

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