Episode 4 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Lee Nelson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello, hello!

You all right tonight, Apollo?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, I'm in the mood of my life!

I give blood for the first time this morning!

Yeah, turns out

I'm not the dad!

Just as well, people, cos me and the missus

is expecting another baby together.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, weren't planned or nothing, but you know what it's like.

You've both had a few drinks, you're in each other's arms,

you've got 40 people in the car park cheering yous on.

Good to see you again, fella.

You look well different off my bonnet.

You legend, come here my man, innit.

Very strong wrists, as on the night, innit.

Ah, I'm in my missus's good books, let me tell you that, people.

Cos girls, girls like a bit of romance, innit?

So what I done before she got home from work,

I laid a dozen roses on her bed.

Yeah.

She loves the ones with caramel in.

LAUGHTER

If you want to impress a girl, you got to be a gentleman,

that's the truth.

The other night, I took my missus out for a well fancy meal.

Bill come, she says, "Let's go halves.

I says, "No, no, no, no. I insist."

"You go back to the car. I'll do a runner."

Just caned it out of Nandos!

Life is so good at the moment.

My little boy is the sweetest thing in the world.

He come into my bedroom, right, a few days ago. I was fast asleep.

I was spark out. I was down, I was there. Eyes shut.

In he comes, right up to me face...

"Daddy?"

Like that. "Daddy?

"Daddy?

"Daddy?

"Daddy!"

I opened my eyes and you know what he says?

"Daddy, I loves you."

-AUDIENCE: Ah-h-h.

-Yeah.

I says, "If you ever wake me again...

"You text me that stuff, yeah?

"Come here. Mwah!"

Happy birthday!

Ahh, well good to be here, Apollo, let's hear it, people!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a summer of sport! Ain't it been amazing?

I've been loving all the moves, man.

Let's do all the moves right now, everyone, let's do the Mobot.

The Lightning Bolt.

The England football team.

APPLAUSE

Weren't that Paralympics proper inspiring, weren't it?

I was watching that with my little boy on the telly box,

he turns to me, he says,

"Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be disabled."

I says, "Oh, result!

"I'm claiming disability benefits for you."

It's well nice, man. And I got to say that,

cos a lot of people just take one look at me and think, guilty.

And that's wrong, d'you know what I mean? I'm a nice boy.

I got arrested like one time in my life.

I got caught shoplifting at Tesco's, which was my own stupid fault, man.

I should never have asked for the Clubcard points.

I don't understand the coppers.

I think they just make the rules up as they is going along.

I mean, this one time, I beat up this white geezer

and they done me for ABH.

Another time, I beat up this black geezer,

they done me for impersonating a police officer.

But other people get judged. People, do people get judged?

Over here, sweetie pie, do people look at you and think...

hooker?

And that's wrong, people! She's a classier girl than that.

She's like an escort.

No, man. It's...

Sweetie pie, listen, man, everyone properly gets judged.

And you're well nice, d'you know what I mean? You're a very nice girl, innit? Yeah.

What's your name, sweetie pie?

Is it L'Oreal? Because yous is worth it.

Or is it Jacob? Cos you're a cracker.

Or is it Gillette? Cos you're the best a man can get.

And you got a tiny 'tache, tiny.

No, I'm a family man, people, I started looking into my family tree,

that's proper interesting, innit? Cos I'm Lee Nelson, right?

I thought I might be related to Admiral Nelson.

What a buzz would that be? You know what I mean?

Imagine it, like my family, like, inventing multi-car insurance!

Oh, man, the whole family, my family's proper interesting

cos we're all well different.

Like, yeah, you know, me and my brother is totally different,

you know, I hardly see him no more.

Sort of quite sad what happened to my brother in a lot of ways,

he started hanging out with the wrong sort of people,

mixing with the wrong crowd,

and my brother ended up...

going to university.

He's properly made it now, my brother, man.

He is loaded. He's got one of them cars

with, er, with tax.

He thinks I'm immature. It's like, "What?!" Do you know what I mean?

Lads, have you done that thing, where you go up behind someone

and just pull their trousers down, like that?

It's funny, innit? It's a laugh. I done that to him once.

Oh my gosh, he went mental!

Admittedly, by mistake, I done the double,

which is where you get the boxers as well.

But it was still funny. We was laughing and laughing.

He was so pissed off, he was saying it was HIS wedding and...

My little sister, aww, I love my little sister,

she's 13 years old. And she, I get properly, sort of,

I look after her, I look out for her, that's what you've gotta do.

Like, the other day, she comes down the stairs,

starts leaving the house, I says, "Oi!

"You ain't going out the house looking like that.

"Now you get back upstairs and you put some make-up on.

"You're never going to pull like that, you know what I mean?"

People, innit? All my family are so different,

that's the interesting thing about it

and my family, if I'm honest with you, is a little bit messed up.

A little bit, cos my old man,

he left my mum for her sister.

Yeah, and that's wrong, innit?

My mum still tells the story about how she found out about it actually.

Basically my mum and dad was at it in bed together one night,

and my old man used to shout my mum's name out

when he was finishing.

Yeah, and my mum's name is Sally

and my auntie's name is Molly,

and one night instead of shouting

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Sally!"

He shouts, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, been banging your sister!"

And that was it, gone! Out of there, never saw him again.

The only thing he left us

was a letter explaining everything about why he had done it and all.

And I've actually got that letter with me here tonight

and I'd like to read it for yous if that's all right, people.

It just, like, helps me get over things a little bit.

So, yeah, bear with me, but...

Yeah.

"Dear family,

"I have decided to leave...

"Love, Dad."

Yeah, the rest is just tits that he drew.

And, um, there's...

there's one cock and balls.

Thank you, that has helped.

You know what? It's been a tough time, man, it's been a tough time

for my family recently, cos my grandad passed away.

And yeah, it was, awww, he was driving on the motorway,

and he had a seizure and paralysed, couldn't move a muscle.

Hit a motorway flyover.

Sounds instant, don't it,

but he was 72, he was driving at 20 mile an hour.

He saw that flyover coming towards him for 11 minutes.

We all had time to bail out.

APPLAUSE

My uncle even went back for his jacket.

I got the Tom-Tom, but...

..it's what he would have wanted, so...

Well, it was what he wanted, I had to prise it out of his hands.

You know what, I am so excited that I'm going to be a dad again

because I didn't think it was going to be possible, to be honest.

I had a health scare of my own.

I actually found, erm, I found a lump on my testicle.

And I was very lucky, actually.

I went to the doctor the second I found out about it!

He done a load of tests and found it was, um,

a bit of chewing gum.

Never ever get noshed off by a bird who's trying to give up smoking.

Yous lot is a nice bunch of people in here tonight.

I gotta be honest with you.

It's nice, from the posh people down here to the scum upstairs...

CHEERING AND JEERING

Going to start chucking bottles down soon, innit?

How are you doing over here, geeze?

You look like quite a well-to-do,

a sort of posh fellow, with you, sweetie pie, as well,

I can tell with the body language.

You're sitting there, sweetie pie, clutching your rape alarm.

No, it's all good, I got a lot of love for the posh,

they just do things differently, innit?

Normal people on a night out, they're like,

"Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it!

"Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed!"

Poshos over there,

"Sip it! Sip it! Sip it!

"Smoke some salmon! Smoke some salmon!"

Ahh, you is a legend, fella, how posh is you?

Is you top level posh, is you medium posh? Tell you what,

shall we do a posh test on this man and find out?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

All right, fella, question number one,

you can tell a lot by a name, what's your full name?

-Piers Collins.

-Piers Collins.

They're going to have you for breakfast up there.

Piers Collins, have you got a middle name, Piers?

-Yes.

-Go on, tell us...

-Hope.

-What's it?

-Hope.

-Hope.

-Hope's my middle name.

Why was you most embarrassed about that name?

Piers Hope Collins. That's all right, geeze, it's good, it's good,

it's looking pretty posh, let's be honest, but it's nice.

OK, question number two in the posh test, let's think,

Piers Hope Collins, it's all good.

All right, do you usually carry a cash card or a credit card or both?

-Both.

-OK, Piers Hope Collins with both a cash card and a credit card.

Question number three. All right...

What is...

your PIN number?

You is a legend, fella.

Listen, posh is either in the family or it ain't,

that's the thing about posh. You know your parents, right?

-Yes.

-Yeah? There we go, you're posh.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

apparently we have a load of celebrities in tonight.

Oo-ooh!

Not sure exactly where they are...

Oh, there's James Caan.

Hello, James, do you know where any of the celebrities are?

Joking, you Dragons' Den legend, nah.

Let's say 'ello, it's Ellie Crisell! How are you, babe?

Ellie does the BBC news summary,

which is a 90-second summary of the news,

Monday through to Thursday, innit?

Now, presumably working them sort of hours

you can still claim for unemployment benefits?

Who else we got in the house, man? We has got...

Ah, people, we has got a proper treat in here, right.

We has got a load of well good Olympic and Paralympic athletes.

All of them, give us a wave and let's big up Team GB!

Come on, athletes!

There they are...

..legends the lot of them.

Beth Tweddle, where's Beth Tweddle?

Yes, there she is, sweetie pie!

She won her medal in the uneven bars,

I watched that, I thought it was well good.

It does come across that you was a proper northern girl, though.

Yes, you was wearing very, very little...

..going from bar to bar...

..and the end you couldn't quite stand up.

Oh, let's big up the athletes, man, let's big 'em up.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My head's a little bit all over the place, if I'm honest with you, man.

I just got back from an absolutely crazy stag, right?

Check this out, 12 of us went mountain biking in Iceland,

it was UNBELIEVABLE, man!

Till we got booted out the shop.

Oh, it's great, innit? Isn't it interesting?

I love going all around the world

and experiencing new things about new places.

I went to Euro Disney recent.

Yeah, it's brilliant, I never knew America was that close.

-Who here's been Euro Disney, hands up if you've been Euro Disney?

-CHEERING

Legend, over there, in the jacket,

did you have a good time in Euro Disney?

Yeah...grow up.

Nah, it is, it's good. It's good for the dads, innit?

And it's good for the kids as well

because for the kids you've got all the characters walking around -

Buzz Lightyear, and Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck, yeah.

And for the dads, like me, you've got Cinderella - YES!

The Little Mermaid - YES!

I would, I wouldn't know how but I'd give it a go!

I hired a car when I was in France, I dunno whether you done the same?

They're the most mental drivers in the world, innit?

They're absolutely crazy!

You know, over here when you're vexed on the road,

we do that, innit?

That's the signal, innit? You do that when you're vexed on the road.

In France they don't do that,

they got a flat hand, they do it, innit, like that.

Different culture, they don't do that, they do that, innit?

And they don't say, "Wanker," French word for it is, "Wrong side!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

People, we has got a well, WELL, good line-up for you tonight!

Is you up for your first act of the evening?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pop your nut, it's Stewart Francis!

# Get it all out

# Yeah, sweat it all out. #

Wow!

The feeling is mutual!

Ah, man, I hope I sound sincere when I say that it's an absolute thrill

-to be here in...

-ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICEOVER:

-Beautiful London.

And I mean that.

My stage name is Stewart Francis, my real name is Barbra Streisand...

MUSIC: "Barbra Streisand" by Duck Sauce

-HE MOUTHS:

-Barbra Streisand.

..but, apparently, someone's already using that name...

..and when I find out who...

I'm going to punch them right in the nose.

I dunno how you guys got here tonight,

I squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward...

that's how I roll.

My ex-girlfriend said we can work on my bladder problem together.

I said, "There is no WEE."

"Now, piss off."

Uncle just set a new world record by getting 27 pigeons to land on him.

What a ledge!

They should make a statue of that man.

He'd like that.

Does my wife think I'm a control freak?

I haven't decided yet.

She used to hate that joke.

And now she loves it.

The other night at a party, my wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo.

I said, "Listen to yourself!

"..self...

"self."

Fat people block the pavement. There's no getting around it.

Ever taken a shit so big you needed a midwife?

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Me too.

Unfortunately, the blueprint to my honey farm was destroyed.

I have no plan BEE.

In some circles I'm considered the inventor of the hula hoop.

People who reinforce their own country's negative stereotypes - what's that all about?

Eh?

Eh? Gets me so angry I just want to throw down my jar of maple syrup

and crawl out of my igloo,

pick up my ice hockey stick and club a seal.

Or a moose.

Or Justin Bieber.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're welcome.

Canada has the fewest number of pretentious people to speak Latin than anywhere else in the world...

per capita.

I'm talking Saskatchewan, Manitoba, et cetera, et cetera.

Vis-a-vis New Brunswick.

Spartacus.

I don't think Spartacus is Latin, but it gets me a couple of laughs.

That's why I'm here.

People say I have the legs of a dancer

but until they find the rest of the body

the cops got nothing on me, man!

Someone recently called me a shameless self-promoter.

Me, Stewart Francis...

..dot com.

I've been described as being dismissive

and having a limited vocabulary.

Pfft!

Fff!

Pffft!

Pfft!

Women!

People say I'm a plagiarist -

their word, not mine.

I've been called irritating. Not once, not twice,

not three times, not four times, not five times,

not six times, not seven times,

not eight times, not nine times, not even ten times.

Not 11 times, not 12 times,

not 13 times, and finally, not 14 times.

Not 15 times, not 16 times, but a grand total of 17 times.

Not 18 times.

Someone recently called me, I believe the word was "photogenic".

Is that a word, photogenic?

Is it photogenic? Am I pronouncing it right? Is it...?

Is it photo... No?

I don't want to look stupid up here. Is it photogenic?

Is that even a word?

Is that it?

I haven't said a silly word in...

yonks.

I've never asked a rhetorical question. How cool is that?

Know what I'm saying?

Recently accused of doing nothing but sitting around all day

watching hip-hop videos by my bitch.

Shawty's all up in my grill...

..my boo's just trippin'.

She knows my flavour's hot.

I have no idea what I just said...

..and that is fo' shizzle.

I do watch a lot of television - the entire screen, for that matter.

Oh, I saw a documentary on how ships are held together!

Riveting!

I did not know that.

I saw a show called Last Of The Summer Wine.

If you haven't seen it, it's about three creepy old guys

who roam the countryside trying to be funny and failing miserably.

No, Top Gear, it's called Top Gear, right?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Where three creepy old guys...

They're both the same show, as far as I'm concerned.

In both shows the tall one's an egotistical know-it-all

and the short one's always getting hurt.

Now I have some more tasteless Richard Hammond jokes, so...

buckle up.

Some people just don't get my jokes.

The other night, there, I was at a party

doing a bunch of jokes for the Red Arrows - phew!

Got a joke about Moses that will divide the room.

Got a joke about cannibalism, which ironically is in good taste.

Puns about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

I have never and will never do a pun on erections -

touch wood.

I like my women the way I like my skis -

rented.

With a little wax on their bottom.

Swish!

Swish!

Me, lazy?

Don't get me started.

I really am lazy.

Instead of a threesome, I sleep with a schizophrenic.

You guys like impressions?

Yeah, me too, they're good, hope that works out for you.

To me, Ed Miliband doesn't look like a leader,

to me, Ed Miliband looks like a security guard

who just heard a noise in the warehouse.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Posh and Becks.

Posh and Becks or, as I like to call them, Thick and Thin.

In an effort to improve his looks, Wayne Rooney had a hair transplant -

it's official, you can polish a turd.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did I already do my deja vu joke?

I am Canadian although I truly do feel British

because, well, both my parents are alcoholics.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm getting old. I'm as old as the Hills.

They're my neighbours, I don't know why I just told you that.

The body's starting to fail me.

The other night, I was in a restaurant and I couldn't read the menu.

And then I shit myself.

LAUGHTER

I used to be a motorcycle courier.

Those things are heavy.

The more I travel, the more I learn about different cultures.

I was recently in Bangkok - do you know in Bangkok it's considered rude

to display the bottom of your feet towards someone,

yet shoving a coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.

I can't go to Egypt, I can't eat Egyptian food.

After I eat Egyptian food I always "falafel".

Why do I do puns about Egyptian food?

Just be-couscous.

Come on, where's your sense of hummus?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I recently went to Turkey.

You know it's considered rude to blow your nose into a tissue in public?

Yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.

-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-# You're beautiful

# You're beautiful, it's true

# I saw your face

# In a crowded place

# And I don't know what to do

# Cos I'll never be with you. #

Forgive me for being a little Blunt.

There are too many bad parents in this world. That's why I'm seriously considering adoption.

People say to me, "Stewart, you're too old to be adopted."

I stopped breast-feeding at five.

How was your day?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

After hearing that my real parents were budgies, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

Yes, I'm a pretty boy.

At first I didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man

but all the signs were there.

I used to sell loose onions, till I got the sack.

I used to be a pantomime horse. I quit while I was a head.

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

I started a VD clinic from scratch.

How many years did I work in the haunted house?

You'll be surprised!

Two!

Tired of my ridiculous puns, my wife left me for a fisherman.

I was gutted.

I'm still reeling.

She was quite the catch.

I miss Annette.

No, she left me for a Star Wars enthusiast. I felt "Solo".

No, she left me for a classical musician. I can't "Handel" it.

No, she left me for a weatherman. She'll be "mist".

No, she left me for a bungee salesman. She'll be back.

No, she left me for an electrician.

Bitch!

Did you know most Americans pray before they eat?

Could you imagine praying 18 times a day?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I did that joke in America and they found it offensive,

yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.

I'm Stewart Francis, have a wonderful evening, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One more time, Stewart Francis!

People, is you up for your final act of the night?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome the one, the only, it's Paul Chowdhry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. What's happening, white people?

Going to do some stuff for you tonight,

none of the old stuff I used to do, like Purple Rain.

That's what I like about London,

the weather's changing, you see people walking about,

especially when the weather gets good - hot, or too cold, Cockneys...

COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave!"

"I am absolutely sweltering, mate! I am sweating like a right slag!"

"It's 12 degrees, Dave.

"It's going to rain in a minute."

Then you see Indians walking around with their coats and jackets on,

INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, get the coat, the jacket...

"the sweater-r-r-r."

INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, bastard!"

COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave."

Same weather, different clothes!

Only people who keep this country going

are the illegal minicab drivers.

I got this cab the other day, right? He starts telling me his life story.

I'm in the back,

AFRICAN ACCENT: "In my country I was a doctor."

"What?"

AFRICAN ACCENT: "I was a doctor-r-r-r in my country."

I was like, "Keep your eyes on the road, mate,

"we're going to need a doctor after this ride."

"I was a doct..."

"What do you need to become a doctor in your country?"

"A driving licence."

Good to see a lot of Indian people have come out tonight.

CHEERING

-One guy over there, where you from, gangster?

-Milton Keynes.

Milton Keynes?

-Still live with your parents?

-No.

-This is the thing about...

English people get a lot more independence.

Indian people don't get the independ... English, like...

When we want to move out

we're never allowed to move out of our family home.

"Dad, I want to move out, I want to get my own..."

INDIAN ACCENT: "You want to do what, bastard?"

"I want to get out..."

INDIAN ACCENT: "You never leave this house, bastard!

"You don't leave till I'm dead, you're dead, EVERYBODY'S dead...

"..and you still don't leave, bastard!"

English people have a lot more independence.

COCKNEY ACCENT: "When are you going to move out, son?

"You're five now.

"When you going to go out and get a job, you scrounging little slag?

"Get out and take your kids with ya!"

A lot more independence. We get a lot of racism. Loads of my mates,

English mates, they always want to go out for a curry with me.

"Paul, let's go out for a curry, mate."

Why would I want to go out for a curry?

You racist bastard.

I don't say, "Dave, let's go out for a Cornish pasty, mate."

"But I'm not Cornish." "And I'm not fresh off the banana boat, Dave."

Indian food is the only food that's referred to as a laxative.

I've got to be on the shitter while I'm eating this.

"It's going right through me, son.

"What is it, Paul?" "It's a banana, Dave."

I reckon we can all break down racial barriers in this country

if we all put on the same accent as the person we're speaking to.

I think, you know, Indian restaurant, put on a slight Indian accent.

Like, "One poppadom...

"..one chicken tikka masala...

"one naan bread."

Don't take it too far, like, "Bring it to me, bastard!"

Don't do the head shaking and the hand movement.

Cos that's racist.

If you change your cheeks,

you've gotta change your face to go with the voice -

"One battered chicken."

I did that too much in this restaurant the other day,

I was like, "One battered chicken."

The guy goes to me, "You want dick sauce with that?"

"One battered chicken?"

"You want dick sauce or no dick sauce?"

I just dropped the accent at that point.

"Hey, listen, man, forget the dick sauce.

"What kind of restaurant is this?"

"I said THICK sauce, not dick sauce!"

That was some pretty thick sauce when it came back.

You gotta do it everywhere, you know? That's when I want racism!

I want it in a restaurant. If I go to a Chinese restaurant I don't want some guy...

COCKNEY ACCENT: "What can I get you, mate?"

"You can get me a Chinese waiter."

"What's Dave doing here?"

I want proper racism, I want Bernard Manning, you know...

CHINESE ACCENT: "One ri', two ri', how many ri' you wa'?!"

"Two...two ri'? How many ri' you want?"

I want him to get so confused he doesn't even know what he's ordering.

"You want two ri' or 17 ri'?!"

"28 ri' or 29 ri'?"

I want it to be like Jackie Chan racial, "Hmm, how many ri' you wan'?"

HE MOUTHS

ENGLISH ACCENT: "Oh, waiter, please, no violence, master."

HE MOUTHS

I want him to get so angry he takes it out on the guy in the kitchen

cos you confused him during the order,

"You want two ri' or three ri'? One minute, one minute... Argh!"

SHOUTS

"I dunno what I just ordered...

"..but someone's getting Jackie Channed in that kitchen."

There was one restaurant I heard about in London,

got closed down because they were putting flour in the bin

and onion bhajis in a basket.

When health and safety turned up, they said, "Is that the bin or the bucket?"

INDIAN ACCENT: "Bin, bucket, same thing."

"Is that the kitchen or the bath...?"

INDIAN ACCENT: "Kitchen, bathroom, same thing."

"Is that the fridge or the freezer?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Fridge, freezer, same thing."

"Is that your wife or your cousin?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Wife, cousin, same thing."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Times have changed now, mate.

I grew up in the '70s, when there was no money.

You know you've got no money when your family re-use margarine tubs.

That's when you know you're skint.

You can't believe it's not butter.

That's cos there's mincemeat in that shit.

I got mincemeat on my toast in the morning.

My family used to think water was a preservative.

Say there was no soap in the house. "Dad, there's no soap."

He thought, put water in the soap, you get more soap out of it.

It's not technically correct, is it?

"Dad, there's no soap." "Don't worry, put water in the soap, shake the soap...

"you got more soap."

It's water on my hands now.

I've got homeopathic soap.

We used to have fish and chips once a week. "There's no ketchup, Dad."

"Don't worry, put water in the ketchup, shake the ketchup...

"..you got more ketchup."

I've got red water on my chips now.

I've got soggy chips.

I had so much water on my plate, the fish started swimming again.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The family thought, if you put stuff in the freezer, it lasts for ever.

"Fresh in the freezer."

We used to have stuff that was well past it.

It's a freezer, not a time machine.

We used to have chicken, fish, dodo...

It's different, that's what it is.

Break down barrier, like, I travel on Virgin planes now, right?

Problem is, when I travel abroad,

Virgin planes, you can phone up your people,

tell them when you're arriving at your destination - they've got phones on the planes.

Problem is most of my family speak Punjabi abroad,

so when I'm telling them I'm arriving I've got to tell them in Punjabi.

I was on the plane, I was like, "I'm on, er, flight 749..." HE SPEAKS PUNJABI

The guy next to me shit himself.

He phoned up his wife and told her he loved her...

..and he might never see her again.

I didn't want to ruin the surprise...

I started reading the Koran...

..I'm not even a Muslim!

This country hasn't quite clamped down, even the government, you know?

Problems in this country.

You get stabbed in this country, they won't find the killers.

But if you drive down a bus lane...

..they'll take a picture of you in the car

and send it to your house within 48 hours.

So if you get stabbed, make sure you get stabbed in a bus lane...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a problem, you know?

Even, like, people don't even wear their seatbelts in the car -

government had this campaign,

going to try and help people wear a seatbelt.

This guy goes to pick up a pizza, he's not wearing a seat belt,

he crashes the car, pizza's flipped up all over the place.

Pepperami everywhere...

He's dead.

Second take, he picks up a pizza again, crashes the car,

this time he's wearing a seat belt,

pizza's flipped up all over the place,

pepperami everywhere, but he survives.

It says, "What have you learned from this video?"

I'm like, "Get your pizza delivered."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

People believe in all that now. Illuminati.

People think the government's controlled by other forces.

Illuminati, innit, blud?

Do you believe in that, man?

Do you believe in 9/11 conspiracies?

I got mates like you. My mate goes, "King Kong did that, innit?"

"Where was King Kong during 9/11, blud?"

He goes, "Blud, yeah, don't phone my mobile, innit, call my land line."

"How come?" "CIA, innit?"

"You live in England, you idiot."

"You don't know, innit? CIA, MFI, M&S."

LAUGHTER

"It's Illuminati, blud, yeah."

He goes, "Yeah, blud, yeah, Bin Laden, yeah, he's not even dead, innit?"

"What are you talking about?"

He goes, "If he died, he'd have got a Muslim burial." "No, he wouldn't."

Bin Laden didn't deserve to get thrown into the sea. We should have just chucked him into a wheelie bin.

Like we did with that cat last year.

And then we could have called him Osama Wheelie Bin Laden.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He goes, "Blud, it's the Illuminati." I'm, "What's the Illuminati anyway?"

"People that glow in the dark, innit?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have a nice time, you've been a great crowd, thanks a lot, cheers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One more time, Paul Chowdhry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That, people, is all we've got time for! Oh, no!

People, let's hear your love one more time -

Stewart Francis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Paul Chowdhry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I hope to see you all again well soon.

I hope to see YOU in the disabled toilets in five.

I've been Lee Nelson,

this has been Live At The Apollo. Good night, London!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd