Episode 3 Live at the Apollo

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight,

Kevin Bridges.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for that! Good evening.

CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to Live At The Apollo, yeah!

CHEERING

We've got some special guests in.

Who have we got? We've got some of our Team GB Olympians in the room.

Where are they?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Feel that!

Feel the national pride you've instilled in the room there.

CHEERING

David Seaman's here as well. How you doing, David?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What do you think of the current set-up of the England national team?

Pretty disappointing Euros, and I was gutted for you, Euro 2012.

I bet you were(!)

I watched that quarter-final in a pub in Glasgow,

with the rest of the Italians.

John Terry's quit, as well. Don't know how we feel about that.

CHEERING

He gets a hard time. John Terry looks like the kind of guy,

if he never made it as a footballer,

I reckon you would see him outside a pub in Tenerife going,

-MOCKNEY:

-"You guys want a free shot tonight?"

"What's the plan tonight, lads?

"Coming down The Bull's Head for a free sambuca?"

Scottish football - don't know if you follow Scottish football, David,

we're going through an interesting time,

Scottish football, famously a two-horse race.

We've now lost a horse.

Scottish football's become showjumping.

Don't know if you followed that story about Rangers Football Club,

they went into liquidation, owed a lot of people money.

I read a full list a Scottish newspaper printed

of everybody they owed money to, and it just got surreal.

They owed a few million to the tax people,

another couple of football clubs were owed money,

then you get near the bottom.

It said £70 was owed to a local taxi company.

Yeah.

About 60 quid to a local flower shop,

about 60 to a newsagent, and then the one that made me chuckle -

it said £40 was owed to a local face-painting company.

You know when you read it a few times,

"Does that say face-painting company?"

The newspaper article never explained why,

never offered any background info.

They left that there as if that's a common modern football club expense,

£40 to a face-painting company.

The club are in financial meltdown

and there's some guy running about the boardroom,

kidding on he's a tiger.

Somebody opens the door, he's going, "Arrrgh!"

"Will you go and wash your face, you idiot?

"We're trying to fix these accounts here."

"Sorry about him, lads. 40 quid he spent on that."

"Oh, it is a cracker though, aye. Did you see his whiskers?"

We're here, it is a free show.

In these tough times, that's the never-ending news story, isn't it,

the global economic downturn.

We're in a double-dip recession. They're calling it double dip.

I don't even know what that means.

That used to be a good thing, didn't it, double dip.

Since when was that a negative?

These bankers - they've ruined Dip Dabs.

I used to think, "Oh, you got the sherbet that's orange and cherry!

"Oh, brilliant, a double dip!"

They've ruined it for us.

Europe are skint, America are skint,

I hope Africa have got some good rock bands cos we need a concert.

That's my solution - it's their round.

They can show some appeal videos about us.

This is Tom and Diane, from Basingstoke.

Everybody's going, "Oh, I hate these videos."

"They always put these videos on when you're having your tea,

"do you notice that?"

Tom and Diane, like so many others, took out a fixed-rate mortgage.

They now find themselves in negative equity.

"The world can be such a cruel place.

"And only this morning I had the cheek to complain about

"having to walk 20 miles for clean water.

"Then you see this."

"They're having to tell their kids

"it's not Disneyland this year, it's Centre Parcs."

Every time I click my fingers,

a newly married couple from Swindon

have a credit card application rejected.

The old double-dip recession - that is...

Er, anybody lost their job in the double-dip recession?

Nope?

London sailing through the recession.

-POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Unemployment, is that, er... Is that a Scottish thing?

"I mean, I do know self-employment but un... Unemployment?"

I feel for the unemployed.

It must be tough under the coalition government

and their proposals for the job crisis,

these work experience programmes, creating jobs for people,

just like normal jobs.

The only difference being you don't get paid.

You don't get any wages, but it's to boost your self-esteem.

How condescending is that?

Self-esteem - that's what people need last Friday of the month.

"Going to go and check and see if my self-esteem's in."

"Feeling a bit low, thank the Lord it's self-esteem Friday."

"Maybe I can finally pay these bills.

"Hi, is that British Gas?

"Listen, mate, I'm skint but I feel terrific."

"I'm wondering, are you prepared to except self-esteem?"

"Maybe I can go on Skype and just smile at you. How's that?"

To stop people slipping into depression, David Cameron said,

was the reason for these work experience programmes.

Poundstretcher - they were one of the first shops to sign up.

Working in Poundstretcher for no money - that's pretty depressing.

Working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you.

What would David Cameron know about being unemployed?

He's never been unemployed.

He's never woke up at two in the afternoon.

David Cameron's never had a packet of Flamin' Hot Monster Munch

for his breakfast.

He's never known the feeling of waking up at two in the afternoon

and your only goal for the day

is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of your toilet.

You know when you start seeing that as a challenge?

"I could use the brush, but that's admitting defeat."

"I'm going to get a glass of water, I'm going to reload here."

I've done a bit of travelling. I was on holiday, in Spain,

I tried to learn a bit of Spanish.

I've took up languages, I bought these disks.

You put them on an iPod, she teaches you about Spanish, the voice.

I can now say things in Spanish that Spanish people can say in English.

That's the level I'm at - I've got the tourist stuff.

Everywhere you go as a tourist, people speak English,

but when you've got a Scottish accent, that's very little help.

I've been on holidays and had people translate for me into English.

You walk into a pub and say, "Are you still serving food?"

"Que?"

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"No, he asked you are you still serving food?"

"Ah, si. Si, si."

You get that shit.

I was in America, I done a gig in America, in New York,

and after the gig a guy said to me,

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Hey, hey! Hey, buddy, are you actually Scottish?"

I said, "Yes," and he said, "Man, your English is really good."

I got these disks, the best I've got -

una mesa para cuatro, por favor.

I've got tourist stuff kind of nailed, stuff you need on holiday.

That means "a table for four, please".

She says it a few times. She says...

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-"Una mesa...

"para cuatro,

"por favor."

-POSH VOICE:

-"A table for four, please."

Then she leaves a beat and goes again, in case you're a moron.

"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."

"A table for four, please."

Then she says it three and four times,

and you start drifting off and imagining

how many people have been found dead listening to these disks.

A suicide note wrote in broken Spanish...

"It all got too muchas."

"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."

"A table for..."

and that's crucial knowledge, cos I know when me and three associates,

when we walk into a restaurant in Spain,

I can tell the head waiter is looking at us and thinking,

"Well, I wonder what these guys want."

Fortunately, I'm on hand to defuse the situation.

I have been thoroughly briefed. I step forward and say,

"Una mesa...

LAUGHTER

"..para cuatro, por favor."

Then we get sat at a table for four,

the guy brings the menus in Spanish and I crumble.

Everybody else is losing their minds, going,

"What the f...? What's a hamburgeresa?"

Ladies and gentlemen,

this guy is a bit of a comedy hero on the scene,

you'll have seen him on Never Mind The Buzzcocks,

give it up for the one and only Phill Jupitus!

I won't take me coat off, I'm not stopping.

So, um, in a bit of a weird mood, as you can probably spot.

Um, OK, so...

The other day, my wife and I had a meeting

that I did not know was a meeting.

I got in and there was tea and there was biscuits, and I thought,

"Brilliant!" I sat down, "Ooh, Viscounts! I love them!"

Didn't even take the foil off. "Oh, these are fa..."

HE MIMICS GLUTTONOUS MUNCHING

"Love a Viscount!"

And she goes, "Yeah, we've got to have a chat about Emily."

I'm like, "Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah. What's going on?"

"She's, er...

"She's having a sleepover on Friday."

I should have pointed out earlier that this is

just after my daughter had turned 16.

That's a very important number to bear in mind.

She said, "Yeah, Emily's having a sleepover on Friday."

I went "Oh, right, do you want me to buy pizzas?"

"No, no, no, no, no, no. Cos there's only one person coming."

"Oh, right. Shall I just buy one pizza?"

"Stop talking about pizza."

"Erm, she's having a sleepover and it's Stephen".

"What, the boyfriend?"

"Yeah".

"Well, where's he going to sleep?"

"I-In Emily's room."

"W-W-Where's she going to sleep?!"

"She's going to sleep in her room as well."

"What, on the floor?!"

"Tubbs, come here."

"Listen to me very carefully.

"Your 16..."

Remember that number.

"..16-year-old daughter is having a boy stay the night."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I run out into the front garden.

"WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

"RARGHHHHH!"

My wife's standing there going, "I think you're overreacting."

"WHY?"

She's like, "I don't want her losing her virginity up against a skip!"

And I'm like, "It was good enough for us!"

Why do you think I keep hiring them?

She's like, "Look, remember when we were kids,

"and we used to hang out with each other and we wished that our parents

"had been cool enough to just let us do our own thing in our own way?

"Well, it's your turn to be the cool parent."

"I don't want to be the cool parent.

HE SOBS

"You've got to be."

"I know I've got to be but I don't want to be."

And so that Friday,

that was it.

Stephen arrives.

HE MIMICS DOORBELL

He's a lovely kid. I've known Stephen since he was eight.

Wonderful little boy.

Not anymore.

Now he is my nemesis.

He comes in and I'm sat in the kitchen. "All right, Phill?"

"All right?

"I don't know, Stephen. Am I?"

"All right, I'll see you later."

And he goes off and they have an evening like every other

they've ever had - they play games, they lark about.

watch telly, and I'm sitting there in my own house.

"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it,

"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it."

Cos I don't want to be complicit in it,

I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have agreed to it,

I don't want to be in the room when they go,

"All right, we're going to bed now. Good night."

I can't be in the room when that happens,

so I go to bed earlier than normal,

twenty past six, the sun is still out.

Ice-cream vans going down the street.

Children playing football in the fields,

the dog at the bottom of the bed, lead in his mouth,

as I lay bolt-upright on top of the duvet in my pyjamas.

"Not now, Chester. Daddy's sad."

And at about half eleven, I hear them come up the stairs.

MIMICS DAUGHTER AND STEPHEN GIGGLING

MUFFLED GIGGLING

For about...ten minutes, and then...

..complete...and utter...silence.

Madam, there is nothing in the entire world that is quieter...

..than a 16-year-girl shagging...

when her dad's next door.

And that is not the bad bit. The bad bit...

..happens two weeks later.

I get in from a gig.

I'm a creature of habit, I get in from a gig,

I've been driving, normally, for a while, I have a beer...

I just watch telly, I zone out, have a beer, go to bed.

So I get in, it's about midnight, I open the fridge,

and there, on the middle shelf of the fridge,

are six cans of generic, supermarket lager, I think from Lidl.

It's called Festenbrow,

which is spelt F-E-S-T-E-N-

B-R-O-W.

The umlaut...is over the F.

The mascot is a monkey in a bowler hat playing a banjo.

It's dog lager is what it is. It's dog lager.

And I'm looking at it...

and the missus is still up.

I go, "Babe?

"What... What is this crap doing in the fridge?"

I'm on telly.

And she goes, "It's Stephen's."

HE BARKS

"Yes, as Stephen's spending so much time over here,

"he thought it would be wrong of him to drink your beer,

"so he bought his own and left it in the fridge."

Right, right, right. I've got it, I've got it,

because it's wrong...

..to drink my BEER in my house?

Yeah. Cos I imagine

that hanging out the back of my first-born is thirsty work.

You get parched.

You get a bit thirsty. You think,

"Ooh, a little something tasty would be nice now,

"as I leave his daughter like some kind of slutty starfish,

"on the bed spread-eagled.

"I make my way downstairs,

"pausing only to wipe my cock on his curtains."

And THAT is why I'm in a funny mood.

Thanks very much. Ta-ta, cheers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Phill Jupitus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LOUDENS

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready to crack on with your second act of the evening?

CHEERING

I'm excited to see her myself. It's her Live At The Apollo debut.

She's fantastic. Let's make some noise, give it up for

the wonderful Sara Pascoe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello, good evening. Are you having a good time?

Yeah!

I am absolutely so thrilled to be here. This is so exciting for me,

and I love it that there's actual celebrities in the audience.

I think that's brilliant.

But if you are sitting next to one of them, I have to warn you.

You do know the rules about having sex with famous people?

The rule is...just don't have sex with famous people.

Never have sex with a famous person.

Or, no, this is the rule -

you should only have sex with a famous person

if you really, really, genuinely,

want to tell people about it afterwards.

Otherwise, there's nothing in it for you.

Like, I don't know if you've ever kissed anyone that

you've been in love or lust with for months and years,

and when you finally kiss them,

and all you want to do is concentrate on it

and live in that moment,

and the way that they're touching you and the way that they smell,

and instead you've got this inner monologue, like this voice,

shouting inside your head,

"Oh, my God!

"I'm kissing Mr Humphries!"

Also, I think it's very difficult to tell the difference between

when someone is in love with you, which is like...

..and when someone is not listening.

How am I supposed to decide who to go to bed with?

I do need to start being more selective.

Currently, all of my lovers have exactly the same thing in common -

they're all slightly more attractive than a night bus.

That's not fussy enough, is it?

The thing is, I'm not even very good at casual sex, right?

I don't know if any of you are the same.

Whenever I sleep with someone I'm not in a relationship with,

I get this really odd...

It's kind of like a guilty feeling in my tummy,

and it doesn't go away,

even when I leave their house and go back to my boyfriend's.

Got to stick at it, I guess, keep on trying.

The thing is, I just always want what I can't have.

I have no interest in charity fundraisers in the street, right,

unless they're talking to somebody else,

in which case I will queue.

Have you seen this advert?

This is the worst ad I've ever seen.

I saw it in a women's magazine, but I can't remember which one,

cos they've all got different names, haven't they,

like Look, New!, Hello!, OK!, Heat,

but I just think they should all change their name to

Women Getting Dressed.

Cos that's all that was in it.

Oh, look - Victoria Beckham got dressed.

Katie Holmes got dressed in blue.

Michelle Obama got dressed. How does she find the time?

We're an intelligent society.

Everyone knows now that these magazines

are just negative propaganda towards women, aren't they?

I read this thing from cover to cover, and every article,

everything it was saying, could be condensed down into one short quiz,

which is basically,

"Ladies, what do you hate most about yourself?

"Is it A - your face?

"Or is it B - your body?

"Answers to the quiz. Mostly As -

"Buy expensive make-up to cover it up

"and expensive clothes to distract people.

"Mostly Bs - starve yourself and go to the gym.

"While you're there, look in one of those big mirrors.

"Are you sure you don't hate your face?"

Kevin was talking about the double-dip recession.

I have, I think, solved the economic crisis.

I mean, I'm not bragging but I think I've worked it out, right?

So, basically, debt, as I understand it,

is caused by people borrowing more than they can afford to pay back,

and they spend it on things they don't need,

like clothes and shoes and nuclear weapons.

But when you think about it,

some people don't get into debt -

children.

Do they?

Small, smug, in the black, children.

So all we need to do is

make chip and pin machines a bit more like parents,

and then we don't have a problem.

Because you'd go into the shop, you'd pick something out,

put in your card and your number and it would say,

"You've already got a coat."

And you'd have to go and put it back.

So you'd pick something else out, put in your card and your number,

and it would say,

"Sensible black ones, please, so you can wear them to school."

So you'd have to put 'em back, so you pick something else out,

put in your card and your number and it would say,

"OK, you can have nuclear weapons,

"but you've got to share them with your sister."

No.

Then we would have to put 'em back.

Because our sister is France.

She's the one we want to use them on.

Being poor has not stopped people shopping.

I know that because I live in Tooting,

where people have not let being very deprived stop them

from dressing badly in a different way every day.

There is a fashion trend in my area

where women wear T-shirts with more attractive women on them.

Yeah, so there'll be acne-ridden schoolgirls

emblazoned with Debbie Harry, in her heyday,

very big women with Kate Moss riding around on their pendulous breasts,

very old women, the kind that have been betrayed twice by their follicles,

wearing both five o'clock shadow and a wig,

and they'll have Rihanna grinding down on them inappropriately.

When I first noticed this, I thought,

"These women cannot be well served by the comparison."

Like, if a gentleman was like, "Oh, hello... Urgh!"

But then I remembered that men are stupid

and, actually, they will find anything alluring

if you put a sexy woman on it.

That's the basis of all advertising ever.

Like, these T-shirts are probably tricking men into having threesomes.

"Oh, yeah, it was a great night, last night.

"It was me, pop star Rihanna,

"and a really old lady who was bald with a beard."

The facial hair thing terrifies me.

I'm setting up a charity,

which is going to be where young women go into hospitals

and pluck the faces of old women for them.

It's going to be called Dignitache.

Thank you very much, this has been an absolute pleasure.

Thank you so much for having me. My name is Sara, good night!

Thank you very much, thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.

Give it up for Sara Pascoe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And give it up for Phill Jupitus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Kevin Bridges, cheers for watching, good night,

see you again sometime, cheers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd