Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Adam Hills!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, London!

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Hello, London and welcome to live at the Apollo. My name's Adam Hills.

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I have two amazing acts to present to you tonight. Are you well?

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AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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Excellent! There are celebrities in the house -

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-Tinie Tempah's here, people!

-CHEERING

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Hey, buddy!

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Tinie Tempah's here. Love your music, love you. We've met before.

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But you know what I love about Tinie Tempah? The name.

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There's thought gone into the name, Tinie Tempah.

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You've told me this before,

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you chose something harsh, like "temper", then you offset it

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with "tiny" and I love that. There's thought that's gone into it.

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Not like Jay-Z who threw two darts at an alphabet!

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LAUGHTER

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And so what it is it's something impressive and harsh

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like "temper", offset by something cuddly like "tiny", brilliant.

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It's a lovely name. It's like Angry Birds or Prime Minister Miliband.

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-LAUGHTER

-Er...

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Sorry, every time we look at your Prime Minister we go,

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-"Yeah, go on, I dare you."

-LAUGHTER

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Kimberly Wyatt is here from the Pussycat Dolls. Absolutely brilliant.

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-Yes, Kimberly Wyatt's here.

-CHEERING

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The only thing I know about you is that your nickname is Flexi Doll,

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because you are the most supple of the Pussycat Dolls.

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Just let's all take a moment to imagine that....

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LAUGHTER

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Again, I compare myself to that and go

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"Well, I would be Rusty Babushka" if that was the case.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, inside this 43-three-year old decrepit body is just

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a broken 62-year-old.

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And then inside him there's a 95-five-year old

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weeping cos he can't find his Zimmer frame.

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I'm genuinely chuffed that you're here and...I don't care,

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I love music and I don't understand it and I'm blown away by it

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and that's why I think you're brilliant.

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And I've seen the power of music around the world. I've seen

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music bring people together, regardless of nationality.

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I've seen that Jon Bon Jovi is the universal constant.

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LAUGHTER

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Whether or not you like his music if you can sing a Jon Bon Jovi song

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anywhere in the world you will bond a room full of people instantly.

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I was doing shows in Belgium once

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and I was backstage with a group of Belgian comics,

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five Belgian comedians, me and Michael McIntyre.

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And I'm thinking, what do you...?

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I've got nothing in common with these guys. How do you...

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How do you start a conversation with a Belgian?

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I was like, "Er, do you like waffles?"

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It was this weirdest thing where everyone was nervous

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and nobody knew what to say and one of the Belgian guys,

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I can only assume out of nerves...

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just started singing to himself under his breath.

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In the middle of this crowded room everyone's gone quiet

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and this one guy went,

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# This Romeo is bleeding...

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LAUGHTER

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# You can't see his blood

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# It's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked up #

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Then he must have suddenly realised what he was doing

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cos he looked at me and went,

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"Oh." So I looked back across the room and just went,

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# It's been raining since you left me...

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LAUGHTER

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# And I'm drowning in the flood

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# You see I've always been a fighter but without you I give up! #

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And he gave me a look that said, "You're not serious, are you?"

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And I gave him a look to say, "I am if you are, big fella."

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He took a step in and went # And I can't sing a love song

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# Like the way it's meant to be #

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And I thought, "I will see you

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"and raise you, my friend," so I stood up and went,

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# And I guess that's just not good any more but baby that's just me! #

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There was a pause, then everyone in the room did the chorus!

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Me, five comedians and Michael McIntyre just went,

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-BAWLING:

-# And I will love you, baby! Ooohhhhh! #

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We bonded. We Jon Bonded.

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LAUGHTER

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And it occurred to me then that Jon Bon Jovi songs may not solve

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the Middle East peace crisis, but it's worth a shot, isn't it?

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Just send an envoy into the Middle East, Israelis on one side,

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Palestinians on the other. "No, no, this land is for the Jewish people.

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"God promised it to the Jews. We will never back down.

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"You guys?" "No, this land is for the Palestinian people. We will never back down!"

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"Is there any way?" "No, no way." Just pull out a microphone.

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# Oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, ooowa, oowa #

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And just wait!

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Honestly, I think the Israelis would crack first.

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"No, this is ridiculous, how can we...?"

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# Tommy used to work on the docks #

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LAUGHTER

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The Palestinians would have to join in. "This is outrageous!

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# Gina works the diner all day #

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And within a minute they'd all be on their feet, lighters in the air.

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# Whooooooaaaaaah! Living on a prayer! #

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I mean, they'd argue about which prayer

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-but at least they'd be singing together.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You see, that's the thing, music fires people up as well.

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I get very fired up by music.

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Oh, man, I went on a rant. I was in Starbucks recently.

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Now, I have a lot of problems with Starbucks.

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My main problem with Starbucks is, they make shit coffee.

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I was in a Starbucks and they were selling albums.

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They were selling albums, they were selling CDs. They were selling

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a Doors CD.

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Does that appal you as much as it appals me?

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Are you aware who I'm talking about when I say The Doors? Jim Morrison, The Lizard King?

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The man who died choking on his own vomit in a bath?

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Who was arrested for indecent exposure on stage.

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He's available in Starbucks?!

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That's not... Mika, Mika should be available in Starbucks.

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I don't know if you know Mika's work,

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it sounds like James Blunt shagged a sponge.

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LAUGHTER

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That should be in Starbucks. You know what I mean?

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If you have The Doors in Starbucks at least pay homage,

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have a Morrison mochachino where you drop in acid and stir it with your cock, do it properly!

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LAUGHTER

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I love all music and do you know what I love?

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I love boybands.

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I know, and not necessarily the music

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but just the fact you can put one together. You can create

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a boyband, you just need a certain look.

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Honestly, I could create a boyband out of five members of the audience right now.

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WHOOPING

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In fact...

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CHEERING

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Right... You, fella, could you hop up on stage, please?

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Come round on the stairs here, excellent. Yep, you'll be right.

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There's a few down here that look a little too obvious.

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Oh, shit, yeah, you have to!

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-LAUGHTER

-You have to. One, two, three...

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Yeah, come on, yep, four.

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And I'm going to go one more.

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Oh, yeah, two rows back. You, fella, come on down.

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All right, here we go.

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WOLF-WHISTLE

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Oh, hey, Nick. sorry. How are you with stairs?

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Yeah, I can do it, mate.

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Yeah, cool. Right.

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I just realised I picked on Nick Hamilton!

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CHEERING

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I know.

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That's right, Adam,

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find a guy with cerebral palsy make him walk upstairs.

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LAUGHTER

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They didn't think to put a ramp in for you, did they?

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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All right, all right, I think this is going to work!

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Now, we've got every member you would find in a boy...

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I'll need to swap you round a little bit.

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Yeah, you don't have the dodgy guy at the end.

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Look at this, we've got the buff guy that the ladies are going to love,

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we've got the slightly nerdy guy that the weird girls are going to

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get into, we've got the rebellious bloke, we've got the one...

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Well, you're probably the one who can sing

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cos I can see no other talent there.

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LAUGHTER

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And we've got the guy who'll become gay. So...

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LAUGHTER

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Right, every boyband member has to have their own look.

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Now, I'm going to try you, Nick, I'm going to try you with this.

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Your look, when I go, just hands down in front...

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-Nice!

-CHEERING

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All right, awesome.

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Yours...fold your arms, turn side on.

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Brilliant! You're Superman, hands on hips.

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LAUGHTER

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You've got one arm behind your head.

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Nice!

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You, er, you've got both arms behind your head.

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Awesome, awesome.

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Now, if I do this we have an album cover.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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There's more to it than this, though, there's more to it than this.

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So at some point I'm going to click my fingers.

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When I, go into your boyband pose, OK?

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Right, now, this is going to...

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I don't know if this is going to work.

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Then at some point I'm going to say "Dance".

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LAUGHTER

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Now, we've got Brendan Cole here from Strictly Come Dancing.

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He's not going to need to teach you steps, this is very easy.

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It's a man dance, it's right foot, left foot.

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LAUGHTER

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Just try that. Yep, you got it.

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That's perfect. If you get out of step with everybody, just stop,

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they'll come back to you and you join back in again.

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-It's absolutely fine.

-LAUGHTER

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We can all do this. And then at some point I'm going to say "Turn".

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I don't how it's going to work but we'll just give it a...

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-WHOOPING

-Yeah? Yeah?

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How am I going to do that?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Yeah, that's a good point.

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You know what, yours is so quick no-one sees it.

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LAUGHTER

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How's the rest of it, stepping and all that?

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Cool. When you're stepping, if you feel like

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clicking your fingers, feel free. Clap your hands if you want, you'll be fine.

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All right. Everyone, I need starting positions, which is heads down.

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Oh, nice! Heads down, no smiling, no smiling, serious faces.

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Can we do something with the lighting?

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Can we drop the lighting ever so slightly?

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Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you tonight

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the newest boyband to come out of London. Yeah, the Back Yard Boys!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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OK, you ready, boys? Here we go.

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# You are... #

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No, not all of you! Just one at a time!

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry, we've all gone off a bit early.

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I should have explained that.

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Try and think about something else, reload, you'll be fine.

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When I click at each of you individually, into your...

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Oh, God, is this what it was like in the Pussycat Dolls?

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LAUGHTER

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Jesus, which one's Sherzinger, which one?

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Weird in the middle, isn't it? Yeah, all right.

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-LAUGHTER

-All right, here we go.

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Jeez, it is harder than I thought to put a boyband together, isn't it?

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# You are...

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# My fire...

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# My one...

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# Desire...

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-# I love when you say...

-WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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# That I want it that way... #

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Dance!

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# Tell me why ain't nothin' but a heartache

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# Tell me why ain't nothin' but a mistake

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# Tell me why, I never want to hear you say #

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And turn!

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# I want it that way. #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Back Yard Boys!

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Thank you, guys!

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Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, I'll back throughout the night

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-But are you ready for your first act of the night?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

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She's absolutely amazing, she is Andi Osho!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Whoooo!

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Wow!

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Wow!

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Hello, Apollo! CHEERING

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Hey! Excellent!

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I'm so glad to you've come out tonight,

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so nice to see people come out to support live comedy.

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Cos not everybody gets it, right? The other day

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I was took a taxi, it had a Romanian cab driver and I was trying

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to explain to him live comedy and he was just like, "No."

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Like it didn't mean anything to him.

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And I said, "Well don't you have like live comedy, live comedians in your country?"

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He's like, "No, he is on television."

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LAUGHTER

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It made it sound like there's one comedian in Romania!

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"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

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"I am your premier comed...ONLY comedian.

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"What you get if you cross Polish man with Latvian man?

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"You cannot, this is homosexuality and is banned."

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LAUGHTER

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"An Englishman, an Irishman a Scottish man walk into a bar.

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"Because they are British, they are drunk and alcoholic.

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LAUGHTER

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"Two nuns are in the bath because there is water shortage."

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LAUGHTER

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I could do this all night.

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So what else has been going on?

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Oh, right, this happened - a kid got expelled from school

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for putting a picture on Facebook of his genitals in his teacher's mug.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, that is taking teabagging to a whole new level, innit?

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How did they even know it was him?

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Did they dust the mug fro wrinkle prints or something?

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"Yes, that's definitely Jonathan from year 11."

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"How do you know, Headmaster?"

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"I just do!"

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They need good role models. Also, like in celebrity land,

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they need good role models.

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Not the sort that are famous for being famous,

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like Peter Andre. God bless his heart but he's made an

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18-year career out of one song!

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LAUGHTER

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So much so that he's even got a perfume called Mysterious Girl.

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Now, call me crazy but surely, as a woman, the one thing you don't

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want to smell like is mysterious?

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You don't want to spray that on and then walk past your mates

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and your mates are like, "Ugh! What is that? Is that egg?

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"You smell mysterious!

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"Ugh! Eurgh!"

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Or Cheryl Cole.

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Sorry, I just get so angry whenever I see her face!

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Like I was watching her when she was on that Piers Morgan Life Stories bleating on about,

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"Being in Africa and my fight with malaria, erghhh."

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I got so angry but then I remembered malaria's a disease - not the name

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of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of.

0:15:160:15:20

APPLAUSE

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Yeah.

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NORTH-EASTERN ACCENT: "Take that malaria, you bastard! Give us a lollypop!"

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"We're gonna fight for this, love."

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It's good, innit, I like that one.

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Yeah, if she likes hitting people so much maybe

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she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her!

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Yeah, I said it!

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Yeah, I did that joke in Cheltenham

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and this old lady turned to her husband and was like,

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"Chris Brown? Wasn't he the home secretary in 1987?"

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Her husband was like,

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"I think I'd remember if we had a black home secretary, Margaret!"

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He-he.

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That'd be amazing to be a black home secretary,

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if I was a black home secretary...

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Well, if I was home secretary obviously I'd be black but er...

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Think it through, Osho!

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That would be amazing

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because I would do the biggest wind up on the Daily Mail ever.

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I would go straight to the BBC news studios

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and do a live broadcast,

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I'd just go... AFRICAN ACCENT: "Good mornin', viewers!

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"As de new home secretary, I want to announce,

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"from now on there will be no immigration laws!

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APPLAUSE

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"Dat's it, de borders are now open!"

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"Tell your friends, tell your family, we have plenty o' money,

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"plenty o' jobs, plenty o' benefits, com, com!

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"Just com, eh?"

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And then close the borders!

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It's tough. It's tough.

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Young people do need good role models. I think

0:16:590:17:02

the Paralympians we had last year they were amazing role models,

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and I don't think you can get better than... right?

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APPLAUSE

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I mean seriously, they put footballers to shame, they did.

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I mean John Terry must have watched the Paralympics and just gone,

0:17:160:17:19

"Oh! I get it! I'm a twat!"

0:17:190:17:22

APPLAUSE

0:17:220:17:25

As amazing as the Paralympians were I think

0:17:310:17:33

sometimes we did get a little bit patronising towards them.

0:17:330:17:37

Some people went a little bit OTT with all the, "Ah, they're so brave, argh!"

0:17:370:17:41

They're just people who happen to have disabilities,

0:17:410:17:44

they have to train like everybody else.

0:17:440:17:46

They're just athletes and we didn't do this for other

0:17:460:17:49

minority groups, you know what I mean, we didn't watch

0:17:490:17:52

the 100m final going, "Look at the black people running!

0:17:520:17:55

They're just so fast!

0:17:570:17:58

And they're not even being chased!

0:18:000:18:03

APPLAUSE

0:18:030:18:05

But we should all do that next time!

0:18:090:18:11

Apparently, er, this Paralympics that we had here was the most successful Paralympics

0:18:130:18:17

in the history of the games so Rio better change it up.

0:18:170:18:21

They should add new categories for the disabilities.

0:18:210:18:24

They should add non-physical ones. Depression, that's a disability.

0:18:240:18:28

You'd just get a guy sat in the sandpit at the end of the long jump

0:18:290:18:32

going, "What's the bloody point?"

0:18:320:18:34

I hope I haven't scandalised anybody, cos with comedy

0:18:380:18:41

you've got to be careful, you gotta make sure you're politically correct

0:18:410:18:44

and blah blah, but sometimes you know people take it too far and you

0:18:440:18:47

don't wanna be like too caught up in that, the boundaries of political

0:18:470:18:50

correctness - some people do take it too far, like somebody complained

0:18:500:18:54

to IKEA because their instructions only showed men making the stuff.

0:18:540:18:58

Now, let me just check, girls, give a shit?

0:18:590:19:02

No! Cos as far as we're concerned that is a win-win situation!

0:19:040:19:07

We'll be watching the geezer building the furniture going,

0:19:070:19:11

"Oh darling, I'd love to help you build this thing

0:19:110:19:13

"but it says you have to do it!"

0:19:130:19:15

Woooo!

0:19:190:19:21

Ladies and gentlemen you've been awesome.

0:19:210:19:23

I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much, good night!

0:19:230:19:27

APPLAUSE

0:19:270:19:29

Ladies and gentlemen, Andi Osho!

0:19:350:19:37

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to introduce your next act,

0:19:410:19:44

there is no way to describe this man,

0:19:440:19:46

he is unlike any other comedian you've ever seen,

0:19:460:19:49

you are gonna love him. Please raise the roof for Terry Alderton!

0:19:490:19:54

APPLAUSE

0:19:540:19:56

Ladies and gentlemen, it's so lovely to be here at the O2.

0:20:070:20:11

Er...

0:20:110:20:12

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:120:20:15

I know when I come out here a lot of people don't know what I'm about.

0:20:180:20:21

You look at me and you think to yourself possibly I am...

0:20:210:20:23

CAMPLY: "Hiya, how you doing so nice to be here!"

0:20:230:20:26

And others look at me and think,

0:20:280:20:29

HARD-MAN: "What you looking at, mate?"

0:20:290:20:31

I'm into monkey fighting at the moment.

0:20:320:20:34

It's all imaginary monkey fighting.

0:20:360:20:38

It's all in my mind - no beasts get hurt, one is about to ensue.

0:20:380:20:42

One has a knife the other has a gun but the one with the gun has

0:20:420:20:45

no bullets but the one with the knife doesn't know that!

0:20:450:20:48

LAUGHTER

0:20:480:20:52

But I don't want to come across at any point in my life...

0:20:570:21:01

I don't want women to think I'm wrong in any way but as a man

0:21:010:21:04

I do things I can't help myself for, like when I have a thought when

0:21:040:21:08

I see a girl, I feel terribly bad about it, you know, every

0:21:080:21:11

single time and I think every man in here does it,

0:21:110:21:14

when you see a woman you can't help yourself you have that feeling like,

0:21:140:21:18

a voice that goes, "Would ya?"

0:21:180:21:20

Bearing in mind you women know that this happens next time you go

0:21:230:21:25

to a family do, like a wedding or something like that,

0:21:250:21:28

bear in mind that's going to happen when you're with your new boyfriend that you're so excited about.

0:21:280:21:32

And you're skipping along and you go, "Mother, this is Darren,

0:21:320:21:35

Mother this is Darren. Darren, Mother, Mother, Darren".

0:21:350:21:38

She goes, "So lovely to meet you, Darren,

0:21:380:21:40

"you're such a good looking boy we've been so excited to meet you."

0:21:400:21:43

And he goes, "Mrs Smith, it's so nice to meet you to..." Would ya?!"

0:21:430:21:47

And then you think it's going so wonderfully, let's go and see Auntie Linda.

0:21:470:21:53

You say to Auntie Linda, "Linda this is my new boyfriend, Darren"

0:21:530:21:56

She goes, "Darren, you're such a beautiful looking boy, it's lovely

0:21:560:21:59

"to meet you" he looks at her and goes, "Lovely to meet you..." "Would ya?"

0:21:590:22:03

Let's make it a hattrick.

0:22:040:22:06

So you think, let's go and see Grandma...

0:22:060:22:08

Oh, you ageist bastards!

0:22:090:22:11

How do you know she's not a 68-year-old GILF?

0:22:120:22:14

You've seen Blondie, right?

0:22:140:22:16

You go to Grandma, "Grandma, this is Darren,

0:22:190:22:21

"Darren, this is Grandma". She looks at Darren and goes

0:22:210:22:24

"I'd let ya" and so...

0:22:240:22:26

LAUGHTER

0:22:260:22:28

What happens when the one with the knife realises the one with

0:22:330:22:36

the gun has no bullets?

0:22:360:22:38

My wife and I we don't argue very often - the only time we argue

0:22:430:22:46

is over finances and of course, SHE DOESN'T ADMIT THE AFFAIR!

0:22:460:22:50

But apart from that...

0:22:500:22:53

We don't argue over much,

0:22:530:22:55

I MEAN, HOW MUCH CAN YOU SPEND IN BOOTS?!

0:22:550:22:59

No point. But I don't see anything from that, do I?

0:22:590:23:02

So ladies and gentleman,

0:23:040:23:06

I would now like to re-enact my wife and I arguing

0:23:060:23:09

over the finances in our house.

0:23:090:23:11

Tonight, she will be played by my left hand

0:23:110:23:16

and I will be played by me, heheh.

0:23:160:23:19

So this is my wife and I, arguing over the finances

0:23:200:23:23

in our house, thank you.

0:23:230:23:25

SPOOKY DIGITAL ELECTRONICA

0:23:250:23:30

STATIC

0:23:330:23:35

HE MOUTHS

0:23:350:23:38

INDUSTRIAL SIREN

0:23:380:23:40

CALL AND ANSWER BETWEEN BRASS AND WIND INSTRUMENTS

0:23:400:23:45

MUSIC GETS INTENSIFIES, GETTING FASTER

0:23:490:23:54

APPLAUSE

0:23:540:23:56

BELL RINGS

0:24:000:24:02

Winner!

0:24:020:24:05

APPLAUSE

0:24:050:24:07

"Listen, there's the one in the white shirt

0:24:140:24:17

"and the quiffed hair, I don't think he's enjoying himself."

0:24:170:24:21

YORKSHIRE SIBILANT ACCENT: "What you on about? You can't judge someone just cos

0:24:220:24:26

"they're not laughing - he could be laughing inside,

0:24:260:24:28

"you don't know that he's not enjoying himself here tonight."

0:24:280:24:31

"I don't think he really likes it."

0:24:310:24:33

"You don't know that!"

0:24:330:24:35

"What shall I do here?

0:24:350:24:37

"You must forward roll to his girlfriend."

0:24:370:24:40

"What?"

0:24:400:24:41

"Just forward roll to his girlfriend"

0:24:410:24:44

"That could be at least two forward rolls!"

0:24:480:24:51

"It is your destiny."

0:24:510:24:53

CAMPLY: It's lovely to meet you, love.

0:25:110:25:13

Click-click!

0:25:130:25:15

APPLAUSE

0:25:150:25:18

Now, I have a question for you. Do you like shoes, madam?

0:25:230:25:27

You do!

0:25:270:25:29

I like shoes as well.

0:25:290:25:31

All right, love?

0:25:390:25:41

I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.

0:25:450:25:48

'What?'

0:25:480:25:50

I said I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.

0:25:500:25:52

'What you on about, you don't do nothing!

0:25:540:25:56

'You just sit there while I do all the accelerating and braking! You don't do nothing!'

0:25:560:26:01

'Heard you sneaking out last night.'

0:26:120:26:14

Eh?

0:26:160:26:18

'I said I heard you sneaking out last night, where did you go?'

0:26:180:26:23

Went out with a little flip-flop, didn't I?

0:26:250:26:27

'What did you say?'

0:26:290:26:30

I said I went out with a little flip-flop.

0:26:300:26:32

'You can't say that! It's 2013!'

0:26:320:26:35

'You can't call them flip-flops, you gotta call them beach shoes,

0:26:350:26:39

'beach shoes!'

0:26:390:26:40

I don't understand, a lot of my friends are flip-flops.

0:26:450:26:48

'There you go again, it's beach shoe.'

0:26:480:26:51

Well, they say flip-flop.

0:26:530:26:55

'Well, they can, can't they, cos they are flip-flops!'

0:26:550:26:58

'Anyway, what does she look like?'

0:27:040:27:06

Well, you know, they all look the same, don't they?

0:27:060:27:09

APPLAUSE

0:27:090:27:14

Thank you! Dooosh! Winner!

0:27:190:27:23

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been great, I love you, good night!

0:27:230:27:26

APPLAUSE

0:27:260:27:28

Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Alderton!

0:27:520:27:55

Often at the end of an act you can come out and say,

0:27:580:28:00

"Hey he's got a DVD coming out or he has got a tour

0:28:000:28:02

but at the end of Terry's act you just go, "Terry Alderton, we're not sure if he's OK!"

0:28:020:28:07

Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight?

0:28:090:28:12

APPLAUSE

0:28:120:28:14

One more time for the acts you saw, Andi Osho!

0:28:140:28:16

And Terry Alderton!

0:28:180:28:20

Thank you to all the celebs who turned up, thank you to all of you,

0:28:200:28:23

my name's Adam Hills, thank you and good night!

0:28:230:28:26

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