Till Death Us Do Part Lost Sitcoms

You rotten thing!

Ain't it fair, eh?

Ain't it fair? You come home from work, no-one in, fire gone out,

dinner burnt to a bloody cinder.

Oh, the wood's damp, it's gone out again.

Where's she gone till this time, the silly moo?

She should be in, in, in.

Keep a fire going, look after my dinner.

Ain't it marvellous, eh? Ain't it marvellous?

You come home from work, freezing cold house, no dinner.

Look at the time.

Where's the silly moo gone?

Where the bloody hell have you been?

I've been out.

I know you've been out! When I come home and found you weren't here,

I knew you was out. I ain't daft!

I twigged that. I twigged you was out.

Yeah, well, I was.

I know you was, you silly moo!

Where? Where have you been? That's what I want to know.

Up the pictures.

Up the pictures?

Yeah. I been up the pictures with Mike and Rita, ain't I, Rita?

Yeah. Up the pictures?

Yeah. Nice film it was too, wasn't it, Rita? Yeah.

Ain't it marvellous, eh? Ain't it marvellous?

I been at work all day flogging my guts out, I come home,

freezing cold house, no dinner, she's been up the bloody pictures!

I put your dinner in the oven.

Yes. I know you did, and let it get burned to a bloody cinder!

Well, it shouldn't have been.

But it is! It is, look!

It's completely incinerated.

Do you think I can eat that muck?

Well, I can't understand that.

We didn't go out till four o'clock, did we, Rita?

And I only left it under a very slow gas.

Yeah, Well, I didn't get home till half past seven.

So it's been under that gas for three and a half hours!

THREE AND A HALF HOURS! That's not my fault, is it?

You come back at your proper time, half past five,

it'd have been all right, wouldn't it?

Look, I had to work overtime.

Well you should have phoned.

How could I phone?

We haven't got a phone, you silly great pillock!

You could have rung the call box outside, like we usually do.

Yeah! Look, I didn't know I was working overtime until five o'clock.

You went out at four. It's not Mum's fault, is it?

Look, she ain't got no right going up the pictures.

She's supposed to be in here looking after my dinner.

Blimey, she's entitled to go out sometimes.

She don't want to be stuck in here every day.

What's wrong with the fire?

It's gone out, that's what's wrong with it!

If you go gadding off up the pictures

you can't expect fires to look after themselves.

I mean, they can't put their own coal on.

They need someone here,

with a shovel in their hand doing it for them.

What, couldn't you put coal on the fire?

I had to work overtime.

Well, you've been back two hours now,

why couldn't you light the fire again?

Because the rotten wood's damp, that's why. Mind out. I'll do it.

What about my dinner?

Well, perhaps Rita can fix you something while I light the fire.

Can you, Reet? Yeah, I suppose so.

But I can't see why he couldn't have done it himself.

He's been in long enough. He could have easily fried up something,

but he'd rather sit on his backside and complain.

Honestly, he can't do a thing for himself, he can't.

He's like a little baby. Look, you, look!

I don't want none of your cheek. I'm your father. Oh, worse luck!

You make me sick, you do.

If you had it your way, Mum would never go out at all.

You'd have her chained to the house, you would. Look! She's not your slave, you know.

Look! If Mike behaved towards me, the way you behave towards Mum sometimes,

I'd leave him. I'd walk out, I would.

What, that Scouse git?

That long haired twit, no-one would blame you for walking out on him.

Look, Mike's got more consideration in his little finger

than you've got in your entire body.

Don't you cook nothing for me.

Don't you do me nothing!

I wouldn't eat it. I wouldn't.

I'd choke on it after what you said.

To your own father!

Don't cook me nothing. Don't cook it because I won't eat it.

Don't worry. I won't.

You can starve for all I care.

Oh!

What do you want? Nothing.

Don't just sit there sulking.

What do you want to eat? I told you, nothing.

I don't want nothing from you lot.

I know what I am to you, the onion.

I'm just the onion.

That's all I am. Just the onion. That's me.

Go without then.

He'll have to anyway, because there's nothing out there,

and the cupboard's bare. Oh, dear.

I forgot the groceries.

That's rushing up the pictures that's done that.

Think I've got a few tins out there if you want them.

Tins? I don't want no bloody tins, I want a proper dinner.

Proper hot dinner. Well, you can't have it, can you?

You can't have what I ain't got.

Ain't it marvellous, eh? Ain't it marvellous?

You work all day, flog your guts out,

you flog your guts out for them. This is how you get repaid.

Never mind.

It's only one day.

Won't hurt you to go without for one day.

Animals up the zoo go without once a week, does them good.

Better check if that kettle's boiling, Reet.

Mike'll be back soon with the fish and chips.

Oh, you didn't say Mike was getting fish and chips.

I mean, if you'd told me he was getting fish and chips...

you ought to have said he was getting fish and chips.

I don't mind fish and chips.

Oh, dear.

What? Well, he's not getting you any.

Well, we didn't know.

HE GROANS

We thought you'd had your dinner.

We thought you'd have had your dinner and been up the pub by now.

That was a big dinner I put in the oven for you.

I thought you wouldn't be able to eat anything after that.

Mike asked if he should get you some.

I said no.

I said you wouldn't be hungry yet.

Not after that big dinner I put in the oven for him.

RITA LAUGHS

Why don't you go over to the call box

and ring the fish shop and ask Mike to bring you some back?

Here's a couple of sixpences.

Thanks.

Oh, Dad, we didn't know.

It's all right.

THEY LAUGH

I told you I do.

I said I do.

Oh, Charlie.

But I said it.

All right.

I love you.

Yes! Oh, Charlie!

Oh, you are a caution.

But I do.

All right, I'll say it again.

Bit of a girl. But I have already said it.

Oh, Charlie.

But I do. I've said I do.

All right, I'll say it again.

I love you.

Yes, of course I mean it.

No! No! There isn't.

Just you. Oh, Charlie.

It's all right. I've got some more sixpences.

Oh!

Hello. Hello.

PHONE DINGS

Yeah. I've put it in.

Oi, are you going to be in there all night?

Mind your own business! Look, I want to make a phone call.

Well, you'll have to wait, won't you?

No, it's just some bald-headed old git out here

and he wants to use the phone. OI!

I know, that's what I told him, soppy old fool.

Look! I know, that's what I said.

Some people, no manners at all.

Ignorant, they are. Dead ignorant.

You're the one that's ignorant. You cheeky little hussy!

Belt up, four eyes!

Oh, if you was my daughter...

Oh, well, I ain't am I?

Crikey! You hear that, Charlie?

"His daughter", don't give me the creeps!

Blimey! My old lady was fussy, mate.

No, it's all right, Charlie.

What, him? Old git face? Blimey, I ain't frightened of him.

He starts anything I'll lay one on him.

Look, I need to use the phone you saucy little bitch!

Hop it! There's plenty of other phone boxes.

This one happens to be outside my house.

Look, it might be outside your house, baldy,

but it wasn't put here for your own personal use, you know.

No, and it weren't put there for your personal use neither.

That is a public call box.

Yes, and I was in it first, so why don't you push off.

No, Charlie. No.

But I do.

I told you I do.

No. I'm not going to say it again, not with old git face listening.

I'll hang up now.

I'll phone you later. Yeah?

Yeah? All right, then.

Oh!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Come on. Come on.

It ain't a bloody boudoir in there.

I don't know the number!

Sammy's... Sammy's.

S-A-M-M... TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello. 'Hello?

'Hello. Hello!' Hello, hello, hello?

'Is that Wapping 2356?' Well, this is a call box.

'Yeah, I know. Wapping 2356, ain't it?

'Stands on the corner of Wapping on the high street.'

Yes, but look! 'Nip across the road to number 23 for us, will you?'

Nip?

'And tell Mrs Williams her brother, Ted, would like to speak to her.'

Look... 'Two knocks, don't ring the bell

'because it annoys her downstairs.'

Look, I'm trying to make a phone call.

'Yeah, but this is urgent, mate.' Well, my phone call's urgent, too.

'Look, it won't take you a minute.' No! 'Look, get off the line.'

I need to make a call. 'Look, it won't take you a minute, friend.

'It's only across the road.' Look, get off this line.

'Look, I'm asking you a favour, ain't I?'

Are you going to get off this telephone? 'No.'

Right. I'll fix you.

'Look, it won't take you a minute.'

Hop it!

PHONE RINGS

OPERATOR: 'Number please?'

Operator, can you put me through to Sammy's Fish Bar, please,

Wapping high street.

'I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to ring Directory Enquiries.

'Dial D-I-R, thank you.' What...

Typical, buck passing...

PHONE RINGS

Come on! Come on!

Blimey, hurry up!

'Directory enquiries, can I help you?'

Hurray! I thought you'd all gone to sleep up there.

'Can I help you, please?'

Yeah, I want the number of Sammy's Fish Bar.

'Have you the address, please?' High street, Wapping.

'Number, please?' That's why I'm ringing you, ain't it?

Pillock! 'I beg your pardon?'

Nothing, look, if I had the number,

I wouldn't need to phone you, would I? Use your loaf.

'I want the number of the shop.'

Well, I don't know, there's only one down there.

There's only one fish shop in the high street.

'What's the name, then?'

Eh?

'Do you know the name of the people?'

Yeah, of course I know the name, I told you.

Sammy! S-A-M-M-Y.

Sammy. 'I want the surname.'

I don't know the surname.

'Well, I can't tell you, then.

'And there is no need to shout!' Look, I ain't shouting!

Look, please. I've not had me dinner.

There's only one fish shop in the high street.

Belongs to a fellow called Sammy.

That's why they call it Sammy's Fish Shop.

Now, could you please get me the number, of his telephone,

not his house. That isn't too much to ask, is it?

'I'm sorry, I can't help you.'

Ah!

That is typical of your Labour government.

Having trouble? Trying to get the number of Sammy's.

Talking to them is like talking to a brick wall, stupid gits!

Well, you don't need to now, do you? Why? I'm back.

I don't suppose you got me any fish?

No, but how did I know you wanted any? I mean, I'm not a mind-reader.

Ain't it nice, eh?

Ain't it bloody nice?

Do you want some of mine? No, I don't want any of yours!

I want me own! So go up and get some then.

Good, it is. He fries the best bit of fish in the area,

he does, old Sammy.

I mean, look. Look at it.

Marvellous.

I've only ever tasted better fish than this once,

and that was at Blackpool.

You know, I reckon the reason why his fish is so good

is because he's close to the market. Don't you?

That's why. It's fresh, I reckon.

Do you want a couple of chips?

If you want any, I'd get up there quick if I was you,

before he sells out.

I'll go up and get you some if you like, Dad?

Oh, thanks.

ALL: Mmmm!

I thought you said you was going to go up and get me some?

Well, let me finish mine first.

Yeah, but it's getting late, ain't it?

I won't be long.

Well, put yours in the oven, keep warm till you get back.

No, I don't want to.

He sells out fast up there, don't he?

Big crowd up there when I was there.

I can't eat any more. Dad, do you want the rest?

No, I don't want your leavings. I want me own! I'll have it.

You vultures!

Right, what do you want?

Cod please, three pieces, two bob's worth of chips.

Pig!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, can't eat any more.

KNOCKING

I'll get it.

How long's she going to be with my fish and chips?

My belly's twitching with hunger.

Why don't you put it in a cup and drink it?

It was Rita, on the telephone.

She said they haven't got any cod, only rock salmon and skate,

what do you want? Tell her skate will do, and a couple of gherkins.

You go and tell her. It's parky out there.

But I do.

I told you I do. Oh, Charlie,

look, I do. I told you I do.

Oh, God! But I do.

I do, Charlie.

Look, she do, she do, now get off this line!

Hop it, you!

Look, I need to make a phone call.

I've not had my dinner. Well, you'll have to wait till I'm finished.

That bit of a girl's out there in the call box.

I'm never going to get my fish and chips.

Girl? Hang on, I'll chat her up for you.

You...

Thank you.

That's very nice of you.

You randy Scouse git!

Hey! I did it for you.

Oh, the number!

Mike!

Do you mind not making all that noise,

I've got a baby in here asleep.

Mike! Mike! Did you hear what I said?

Look, I'm trying to get my son-in-law out.

Well, you can go and tell him, can't you?

You ain't got to shout.

Why don't you mind your own bloody business. Don't you swear at me!

Belt up! Mike!

You're a nuisance, you are down this street, pity you don't move.

What do you want? What's Sammy's number? Well, I don't know.

Oh! God! Ring directory enquiries.

It's no good calling them,

they want surnames, addresses every blooming thing.

Look, wait in the box a minute, she'll ring back. She's bound to.

PHONE RINGS There you are. That's her now.

Hello. Reet, Rita.

Is that you, Rita? 'No, it's Ted Williams.

'Would you do me a favour, and tell my sister

'her brother, Ted's on the phone?' Look, get off the phone!

PHONE RINGS

Look, get off this phone you silly great pillock!

'Dad, it's me, Rita.' Aargh!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Rita? 'No, it's Ted...'

HE SCREAMS

'Would you do me...?'

Are you finished? No, I'm not.

Well, I want to make a phone call.

Yeah? Well, you'll have to wait, won't you?

You're not using it.

Look, I'm waiting for a call from my daughter.

Well, I want to phone my brother, Ted.

Yeah, and he wants to phone you.

But you'll both have to wait because no-one's using this box

until I get a call from my daughter.

Look, I want to talk to my brother, Ted, it's very important.

Yeah? And I've not had my supper.

As far as I'm concerned, that's a sight more important than you

or that stupid git of a brother of yours!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Rita, is that you?

Is that you, Ted? Get off!

Rita, is that you? 'Hello, Dad, is that you, Dad?'

Yes, yes. Get off! Is that you Ted? Yes, it's me. It's me!

'I've been trying to get you, look, what do you want?

'Skate or rock salmon?'

Anything. Anything, just fish and chips, but hurry!

Please hurry. I'm starving.

You can have it now. Ta.

And when you get through to that brother of yours, tell him from me,

he's a bloody stupid git!

Did you get her? Yeah.

What's all that row out of there?

Oh, that soppy moo across the road shouting and hollering.

She complained about you yesterday.

Complained about you swearing, she did.

Eh? Who swears? You. You swear.

Her next door's complained twice.

I mean, these walls are only thin, you know.

Let her mind her own business, the nosy bloody moo!

Well, I don't like it either.

What? You swearing.

I don't bloody swear, you silly bloody moo!

You're swearing now, you're always swearing.

You can't talk, it seems, without swearing.

It's always "B" this, "B" that and "B" the other.

Bloody? That's not swearing.

Well, I don't like to hear it.

Do you know where the word bloody comes from, do you?

Blood. Out of your body.

And if I cut my finger, what does it do?

It bleeds. Don't it? It bleeds.

Well, if it don't there's something wrong with you.

And what do I say if I cut my finger?

I say, "Oh, look, my finger's bleeding.

"My finger's all bloody." Now, is that swearing?

No, it's not swearing then.

Oh, but if I say, "Oh, look, my bloody finger's all bloody,"

then that is swearing, according to you?

Yes, it is then. No, you soppy moo!

You're so inconsistent.

It's the same word, different context.

How can it be bloody swearing one minute,

and bloody not swearing the next?

It's just a lack of vocabulary, that's all that is.

It's not swearing. Swearing is taking the Lord's name in vain,

all you do is portray an empty mind, ain't it?

Listen, you... Because you're inarticulate.

That's your trouble. Inarticulate.

Eh? What? Listen to me you hairy nelly,

There's nothing inarticulate about me.

Blimey, I know plenty of words other than bloody.

I just wouldn't use them. I wouldn't use them in my own house.

In front of my own wife.

Where's me fish and chips?

By the time I got back to the shop they were sold out.

Oh-er! Sold out?

You... It's not my fault, so don't go on at me.

I had to hang about trying to phone you.

Ain't it marvellous?

MIKE LAUGHS What are you laughing at?

I'm not laughing.

This is all your fault.

If you haven't gone up the pictures...

Before you start there's a phone call waiting for you in the box.

Eh?

Hello? 'Is that Mr Garnett?'

Yes, speaking. 'This is Ted Williams.

'And I'd like to tell you if anyone's a bloody stupid git,

'it's you, mate!'

Aaaargh!

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A proper divorce is built on a solid foundation of hate.