Till Death Us Do Part Lost Sitcoms


Till Death Us Do Part

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You rotten thing!

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Ain't it fair, eh?

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Ain't it fair? You come home from work, no-one in, fire gone out,

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dinner burnt to a bloody cinder.

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Oh, the wood's damp, it's gone out again.

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Where's she gone till this time, the silly moo?

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She should be in, in, in.

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Keep a fire going, look after my dinner.

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Ain't it marvellous, eh? Ain't it marvellous?

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You come home from work, freezing cold house, no dinner.

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Look at the time.

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Where's the silly moo gone?

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Where the bloody hell have you been?

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I've been out.

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I know you've been out! When I come home and found you weren't here,

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I knew you was out. I ain't daft!

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I twigged that. I twigged you was out.

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Yeah, well, I was.

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I know you was, you silly moo!

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Where? Where have you been? That's what I want to know.

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Up the pictures.

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Up the pictures?

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Yeah. I been up the pictures with Mike and Rita, ain't I, Rita?

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Yeah. Up the pictures?

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Yeah. Nice film it was too, wasn't it, Rita? Yeah.

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Ain't it marvellous, eh? Ain't it marvellous?

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I been at work all day flogging my guts out, I come home,

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freezing cold house, no dinner, she's been up the bloody pictures!

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I put your dinner in the oven.

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Yes. I know you did, and let it get burned to a bloody cinder!

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Well, it shouldn't have been.

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But it is! It is, look!

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It's completely incinerated.

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Do you think I can eat that muck?

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Well, I can't understand that.

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We didn't go out till four o'clock, did we, Rita?

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And I only left it under a very slow gas.

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Yeah, Well, I didn't get home till half past seven.

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So it's been under that gas for three and a half hours!

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THREE AND A HALF HOURS! That's not my fault, is it?

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You come back at your proper time, half past five,

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it'd have been all right, wouldn't it?

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Look, I had to work overtime.

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Well you should have phoned.

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How could I phone?

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We haven't got a phone, you silly great pillock!

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You could have rung the call box outside, like we usually do.

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Yeah! Look, I didn't know I was working overtime until five o'clock.

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You went out at four. It's not Mum's fault, is it?

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Look, she ain't got no right going up the pictures.

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She's supposed to be in here looking after my dinner.

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Blimey, she's entitled to go out sometimes.

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She don't want to be stuck in here every day.

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What's wrong with the fire?

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It's gone out, that's what's wrong with it!

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If you go gadding off up the pictures

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you can't expect fires to look after themselves.

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I mean, they can't put their own coal on.

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They need someone here,

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with a shovel in their hand doing it for them.

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What, couldn't you put coal on the fire?

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I had to work overtime.

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Well, you've been back two hours now,

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why couldn't you light the fire again?

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Because the rotten wood's damp, that's why. Mind out. I'll do it.

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What about my dinner?

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Well, perhaps Rita can fix you something while I light the fire.

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Can you, Reet? Yeah, I suppose so.

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But I can't see why he couldn't have done it himself.

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He's been in long enough. He could have easily fried up something,

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but he'd rather sit on his backside and complain.

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Honestly, he can't do a thing for himself, he can't.

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He's like a little baby. Look, you, look!

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I don't want none of your cheek. I'm your father. Oh, worse luck!

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You make me sick, you do.

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If you had it your way, Mum would never go out at all.

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You'd have her chained to the house, you would. Look! She's not your slave, you know.

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Look! If Mike behaved towards me, the way you behave towards Mum sometimes,

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I'd leave him. I'd walk out, I would.

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What, that Scouse git?

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That long haired twit, no-one would blame you for walking out on him.

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Look, Mike's got more consideration in his little finger

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than you've got in your entire body.

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Don't you cook nothing for me.

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Don't you do me nothing!

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I wouldn't eat it. I wouldn't.

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I'd choke on it after what you said.

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To your own father!

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Don't cook me nothing. Don't cook it because I won't eat it.

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Don't worry. I won't.

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You can starve for all I care.

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Oh!

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What do you want? Nothing.

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Don't just sit there sulking.

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What do you want to eat? I told you, nothing.

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I don't want nothing from you lot.

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I know what I am to you, the onion.

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I'm just the onion.

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That's all I am. Just the onion. That's me.

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Go without then.

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He'll have to anyway, because there's nothing out there,

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and the cupboard's bare. Oh, dear.

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I forgot the groceries.

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That's rushing up the pictures that's done that.

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Think I've got a few tins out there if you want them.

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Tins? I don't want no bloody tins, I want a proper dinner.

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Proper hot dinner. Well, you can't have it, can you?

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You can't have what I ain't got.

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Ain't it marvellous, eh? Ain't it marvellous?

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You work all day, flog your guts out,

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you flog your guts out for them. This is how you get repaid.

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Never mind.

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It's only one day.

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Won't hurt you to go without for one day.

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Animals up the zoo go without once a week, does them good.

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Better check if that kettle's boiling, Reet.

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Mike'll be back soon with the fish and chips.

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Oh, you didn't say Mike was getting fish and chips.

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I mean, if you'd told me he was getting fish and chips...

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you ought to have said he was getting fish and chips.

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I don't mind fish and chips.

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Oh, dear.

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What? Well, he's not getting you any.

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Well, we didn't know.

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HE GROANS

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We thought you'd had your dinner.

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We thought you'd have had your dinner and been up the pub by now.

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That was a big dinner I put in the oven for you.

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I thought you wouldn't be able to eat anything after that.

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Mike asked if he should get you some.

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I said no.

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I said you wouldn't be hungry yet.

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Not after that big dinner I put in the oven for him.

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RITA LAUGHS

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Why don't you go over to the call box

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and ring the fish shop and ask Mike to bring you some back?

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Here's a couple of sixpences.

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Thanks.

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Oh, Dad, we didn't know.

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It's all right.

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THEY LAUGH

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I told you I do.

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I said I do.

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Oh, Charlie.

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But I said it.

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All right.

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I love you.

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Yes! Oh, Charlie!

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Oh, you are a caution.

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But I do.

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All right, I'll say it again.

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Bit of a girl. But I have already said it.

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Oh, Charlie.

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But I do. I've said I do.

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All right, I'll say it again.

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I love you.

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Yes, of course I mean it.

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No! No! There isn't.

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Just you. Oh, Charlie.

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It's all right. I've got some more sixpences.

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Oh!

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Hello. Hello.

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PHONE DINGS

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Yeah. I've put it in.

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Oi, are you going to be in there all night?

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Mind your own business! Look, I want to make a phone call.

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Well, you'll have to wait, won't you?

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No, it's just some bald-headed old git out here

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and he wants to use the phone. OI!

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I know, that's what I told him, soppy old fool.

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Look! I know, that's what I said.

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Some people, no manners at all.

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Ignorant, they are. Dead ignorant.

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You're the one that's ignorant. You cheeky little hussy!

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Belt up, four eyes!

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Oh, if you was my daughter...

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Oh, well, I ain't am I?

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Crikey! You hear that, Charlie?

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"His daughter", don't give me the creeps!

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Blimey! My old lady was fussy, mate.

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No, it's all right, Charlie.

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What, him? Old git face? Blimey, I ain't frightened of him.

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He starts anything I'll lay one on him.

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Look, I need to use the phone you saucy little bitch!

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Hop it! There's plenty of other phone boxes.

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This one happens to be outside my house.

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Look, it might be outside your house, baldy,

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but it wasn't put here for your own personal use, you know.

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No, and it weren't put there for your personal use neither.

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That is a public call box.

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Yes, and I was in it first, so why don't you push off.

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No, Charlie. No.

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But I do.

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I told you I do.

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No. I'm not going to say it again, not with old git face listening.

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I'll hang up now.

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I'll phone you later. Yeah?

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Yeah? All right, then.

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Oh!

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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Come on. Come on.

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It ain't a bloody boudoir in there.

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I don't know the number!

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Sammy's... Sammy's.

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S-A-M-M... TELEPHONE RINGS

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Hello. 'Hello?

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'Hello. Hello!' Hello, hello, hello?

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'Is that Wapping 2356?' Well, this is a call box.

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'Yeah, I know. Wapping 2356, ain't it?

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'Stands on the corner of Wapping on the high street.'

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Yes, but look! 'Nip across the road to number 23 for us, will you?'

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Nip?

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'And tell Mrs Williams her brother, Ted, would like to speak to her.'

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Look... 'Two knocks, don't ring the bell

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'because it annoys her downstairs.'

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Look, I'm trying to make a phone call.

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'Yeah, but this is urgent, mate.' Well, my phone call's urgent, too.

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'Look, it won't take you a minute.' No! 'Look, get off the line.'

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I need to make a call. 'Look, it won't take you a minute, friend.

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'It's only across the road.' Look, get off this line.

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'Look, I'm asking you a favour, ain't I?'

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Are you going to get off this telephone? 'No.'

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Right. I'll fix you.

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'Look, it won't take you a minute.'

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Hop it!

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PHONE RINGS

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OPERATOR: 'Number please?'

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Operator, can you put me through to Sammy's Fish Bar, please,

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Wapping high street.

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'I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to ring Directory Enquiries.

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'Dial D-I-R, thank you.' What...

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Typical, buck passing...

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PHONE RINGS

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Come on! Come on!

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Blimey, hurry up!

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'Directory enquiries, can I help you?'

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Hurray! I thought you'd all gone to sleep up there.

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'Can I help you, please?'

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Yeah, I want the number of Sammy's Fish Bar.

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'Have you the address, please?' High street, Wapping.

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'Number, please?' That's why I'm ringing you, ain't it?

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Pillock! 'I beg your pardon?'

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Nothing, look, if I had the number,

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I wouldn't need to phone you, would I? Use your loaf.

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'I want the number of the shop.'

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Well, I don't know, there's only one down there.

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There's only one fish shop in the high street.

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'What's the name, then?'

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Eh?

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'Do you know the name of the people?'

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Yeah, of course I know the name, I told you.

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Sammy! S-A-M-M-Y.

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Sammy. 'I want the surname.'

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I don't know the surname.

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'Well, I can't tell you, then.

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'And there is no need to shout!' Look, I ain't shouting!

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Look, please. I've not had me dinner.

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There's only one fish shop in the high street.

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Belongs to a fellow called Sammy.

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That's why they call it Sammy's Fish Shop.

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Now, could you please get me the number, of his telephone,

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not his house. That isn't too much to ask, is it?

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'I'm sorry, I can't help you.'

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Ah!

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That is typical of your Labour government.

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Having trouble? Trying to get the number of Sammy's.

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Talking to them is like talking to a brick wall, stupid gits!

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Well, you don't need to now, do you? Why? I'm back.

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I don't suppose you got me any fish?

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No, but how did I know you wanted any? I mean, I'm not a mind-reader.

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Ain't it nice, eh?

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Ain't it bloody nice?

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Do you want some of mine? No, I don't want any of yours!

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I want me own! So go up and get some then.

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Good, it is. He fries the best bit of fish in the area,

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he does, old Sammy.

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I mean, look. Look at it.

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Marvellous.

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I've only ever tasted better fish than this once,

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and that was at Blackpool.

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You know, I reckon the reason why his fish is so good

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is because he's close to the market. Don't you?

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That's why. It's fresh, I reckon.

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Do you want a couple of chips?

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If you want any, I'd get up there quick if I was you,

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before he sells out.

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I'll go up and get you some if you like, Dad?

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Oh, thanks.

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ALL: Mmmm!

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I thought you said you was going to go up and get me some?

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Well, let me finish mine first.

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Yeah, but it's getting late, ain't it?

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I won't be long.

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Well, put yours in the oven, keep warm till you get back.

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No, I don't want to.

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He sells out fast up there, don't he?

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Big crowd up there when I was there.

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I can't eat any more. Dad, do you want the rest?

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No, I don't want your leavings. I want me own! I'll have it.

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You vultures!

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Right, what do you want?

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Cod please, three pieces, two bob's worth of chips.

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Pig!

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Oh, can't eat any more.

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KNOCKING

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I'll get it.

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How long's she going to be with my fish and chips?

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My belly's twitching with hunger.

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Why don't you put it in a cup and drink it?

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It was Rita, on the telephone.

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She said they haven't got any cod, only rock salmon and skate,

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what do you want? Tell her skate will do, and a couple of gherkins.

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You go and tell her. It's parky out there.

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But I do.

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I told you I do. Oh, Charlie,

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look, I do. I told you I do.

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Oh, God! But I do.

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I do, Charlie.

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Look, she do, she do, now get off this line!

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Hop it, you!

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Look, I need to make a phone call.

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I've not had my dinner. Well, you'll have to wait till I'm finished.

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That bit of a girl's out there in the call box.

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I'm never going to get my fish and chips.

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Girl? Hang on, I'll chat her up for you.

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You...

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Thank you.

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That's very nice of you.

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You randy Scouse git!

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Hey! I did it for you.

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Oh, the number!

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Mike!

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Do you mind not making all that noise,

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I've got a baby in here asleep.

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Mike! Mike! Did you hear what I said?

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Look, I'm trying to get my son-in-law out.

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Well, you can go and tell him, can't you?

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You ain't got to shout.

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Why don't you mind your own bloody business. Don't you swear at me!

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Belt up! Mike!

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You're a nuisance, you are down this street, pity you don't move.

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What do you want? What's Sammy's number? Well, I don't know.

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Oh! God! Ring directory enquiries.

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It's no good calling them,

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they want surnames, addresses every blooming thing.

0:19:190:19:21

Look, wait in the box a minute, she'll ring back. She's bound to.

0:19:210:19:25

PHONE RINGS There you are. That's her now.

0:19:250:19:28

Hello. Reet, Rita.

0:19:280:19:30

Is that you, Rita? 'No, it's Ted Williams.

0:19:300:19:32

'Would you do me a favour, and tell my sister

0:19:320:19:34

'her brother, Ted's on the phone?' Look, get off the phone!

0:19:340:19:38

PHONE RINGS

0:19:380:19:39

Look, get off this phone you silly great pillock!

0:19:390:19:43

'Dad, it's me, Rita.' Aargh!

0:19:430:19:45

PHONE RINGS

0:19:470:19:49

Hello, Rita? 'No, it's Ted...'

0:19:490:19:51

HE SCREAMS

0:19:510:19:53

'Would you do me...?'

0:19:530:19:54

Are you finished? No, I'm not.

0:19:540:19:57

Well, I want to make a phone call.

0:19:570:19:59

Yeah? Well, you'll have to wait, won't you?

0:19:590:20:01

You're not using it.

0:20:010:20:03

Look, I'm waiting for a call from my daughter.

0:20:030:20:05

Well, I want to phone my brother, Ted.

0:20:050:20:07

Yeah, and he wants to phone you.

0:20:070:20:09

But you'll both have to wait because no-one's using this box

0:20:090:20:12

until I get a call from my daughter.

0:20:120:20:14

Look, I want to talk to my brother, Ted, it's very important.

0:20:140:20:18

Yeah? And I've not had my supper.

0:20:180:20:20

As far as I'm concerned, that's a sight more important than you

0:20:200:20:24

or that stupid git of a brother of yours!

0:20:240:20:26

PHONE RINGS

0:20:260:20:27

Hello, Rita, is that you?

0:20:270:20:29

Is that you, Ted? Get off!

0:20:290:20:31

Rita, is that you? 'Hello, Dad, is that you, Dad?'

0:20:310:20:34

Yes, yes. Get off! Is that you Ted? Yes, it's me. It's me!

0:20:340:20:37

'I've been trying to get you, look, what do you want?

0:20:370:20:39

'Skate or rock salmon?'

0:20:390:20:40

Anything. Anything, just fish and chips, but hurry!

0:20:400:20:43

Please hurry. I'm starving.

0:20:430:20:46

You can have it now. Ta.

0:20:490:20:52

And when you get through to that brother of yours, tell him from me,

0:20:520:20:56

he's a bloody stupid git!

0:20:560:20:58

Did you get her? Yeah.

0:21:050:21:07

What's all that row out of there?

0:21:070:21:10

Oh, that soppy moo across the road shouting and hollering.

0:21:100:21:13

She complained about you yesterday.

0:21:130:21:16

Complained about you swearing, she did.

0:21:160:21:19

Eh? Who swears? You. You swear.

0:21:190:21:22

Her next door's complained twice.

0:21:220:21:24

I mean, these walls are only thin, you know.

0:21:240:21:27

Let her mind her own business, the nosy bloody moo!

0:21:270:21:30

Well, I don't like it either.

0:21:310:21:33

What? You swearing.

0:21:330:21:35

I don't bloody swear, you silly bloody moo!

0:21:350:21:38

You're swearing now, you're always swearing.

0:21:390:21:42

You can't talk, it seems, without swearing.

0:21:420:21:44

It's always "B" this, "B" that and "B" the other.

0:21:440:21:48

Bloody? That's not swearing.

0:21:480:21:51

Well, I don't like to hear it.

0:21:510:21:52

Do you know where the word bloody comes from, do you?

0:21:520:21:55

Blood. Out of your body.

0:21:550:21:57

And if I cut my finger, what does it do?

0:21:570:22:01

It bleeds. Don't it? It bleeds.

0:22:010:22:04

Well, if it don't there's something wrong with you.

0:22:040:22:06

And what do I say if I cut my finger?

0:22:060:22:09

I say, "Oh, look, my finger's bleeding.

0:22:090:22:12

"My finger's all bloody." Now, is that swearing?

0:22:120:22:16

No, it's not swearing then.

0:22:160:22:17

Oh, but if I say, "Oh, look, my bloody finger's all bloody,"

0:22:170:22:22

then that is swearing, according to you?

0:22:220:22:24

Yes, it is then. No, you soppy moo!

0:22:240:22:26

You're so inconsistent.

0:22:260:22:29

It's the same word, different context.

0:22:290:22:31

How can it be bloody swearing one minute,

0:22:310:22:34

and bloody not swearing the next?

0:22:340:22:35

It's just a lack of vocabulary, that's all that is.

0:22:350:22:39

It's not swearing. Swearing is taking the Lord's name in vain,

0:22:390:22:42

all you do is portray an empty mind, ain't it?

0:22:420:22:44

Listen, you... Because you're inarticulate.

0:22:440:22:47

That's your trouble. Inarticulate.

0:22:470:22:50

Eh? What? Listen to me you hairy nelly,

0:22:500:22:53

There's nothing inarticulate about me.

0:22:530:22:55

Blimey, I know plenty of words other than bloody.

0:22:550:22:58

I just wouldn't use them. I wouldn't use them in my own house.

0:22:580:23:01

In front of my own wife.

0:23:010:23:03

Where's me fish and chips?

0:23:060:23:08

By the time I got back to the shop they were sold out.

0:23:080:23:10

Oh-er! Sold out?

0:23:100:23:13

You... It's not my fault, so don't go on at me.

0:23:130:23:15

I had to hang about trying to phone you.

0:23:150:23:17

Ain't it marvellous?

0:23:180:23:22

MIKE LAUGHS What are you laughing at?

0:23:220:23:25

I'm not laughing.

0:23:250:23:26

This is all your fault.

0:23:270:23:29

If you haven't gone up the pictures...

0:23:290:23:31

Before you start there's a phone call waiting for you in the box.

0:23:310:23:34

Eh?

0:23:340:23:36

Hello? 'Is that Mr Garnett?'

0:23:460:23:49

Yes, speaking. 'This is Ted Williams.

0:23:490:23:51

'And I'd like to tell you if anyone's a bloody stupid git,

0:23:530:23:56

'it's you, mate!'

0:23:560:23:58

Aaaargh!

0:23:580:24:00

What's new on BBC Two?

0:24:470:24:49

A proper divorce is built on a solid foundation of hate.

0:24:490:24:52

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