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Steptoe and Son

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HORSE HOOVES CLOP

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RAIN FALLS

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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Bleeding birds!

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Go, get out of here! Go on, clear off!

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SOOT FALLS

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HE COUGHS

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And it's Harold Steptoe! He's going for the record.

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It looks like he's going to make it.

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And he's done it!

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Thank you, thank you! I know, on my first race.

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Dad?

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Dad!

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Dad, are you up there?

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I'm home.

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# Mademoiselle from Armentieres, parlez-vous

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# Mademoiselle from Armentieres

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# Hasn't been washed for 20 years, inky pinky parlez-vous... #

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I don't believe it.

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HE CONTINUES HUMMING

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Here! What's your game? Close them curtains!

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Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Dad.

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I forgot, I completely forgot, it went right out of my mind.

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What are you talking about?

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I haven't got you a present.

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Present? What for?

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Your birthday, of course. I'd completely forgot.

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# Happy birthday to you

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# Happy birthday, dear Father... #

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It's not my birthday!

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Not your birthday? Come on, Dad, it's got to be.

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You're having a wash.

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# Happy birthday to you. #

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Very funny! I can have a wash if I want.

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Well, you've never used my shower cabinet before.

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I've never had half a tonne of soot fall on me before.

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Bleeding birds!

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Well, you're lucky it was just soot. Bleh!

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Well, now you're in there, how do you like it?

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Ah, it's all right.

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Now, I don't want you to think that I am interfering, but I feel

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it might be much more efficacious if you took your pants off.

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I am not taking my pants off for anybody!

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Someone might come in.

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Oh, no.

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Dad. Not the washing up!

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We've got to use those!

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Well, there's no point in wasting good hot water.

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You had hot water put in up here

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but not down in the kitchen where I need it.

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It's a wonder you don't have your laundry in there with you.

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Or your rubber plants. HE SCOFFS

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Come on out of there!

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That's my shower! I shan't have dirty old men abluting in it.

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I did not ablute in it!

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Come on out!

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It'll be like Southend with the tide out by the time you've finished.

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We'll be able to breed a few thousand lugworms in there.

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I've nearly finished. It's good, isn't it?

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Better than that old tin bath.

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How much did it cost?

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Oh, not much.

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180 quid.

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180 quid?! Just to have a wash?!

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You want your brains tested.

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How much is that per wash?

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Well, that would depend on how many times you used it in your lifetime.

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If it was yours, it would cost you...

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..90 quid a time.

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Yeah.

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But, seeing as it's mine and I use it twice a day, practically nothing.

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In any case, I got a grant off of the council,

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on account of we're on the list as a deprived family.

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Now I know the ropes,

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I'm going to clobber them for an indoor khazi next.

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And the money I get from them can go towards my holiday.

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Are you coming out of there?

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I shan't be long.

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I ain't done my privates yet.

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I'm surprised you're taking the chance.

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Seeing as the effect that film Psycho had on you.

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What do you mean?

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Supposing I was a homicidal maniac and I crept in here while you

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were in the shower and I pulled out a big knife.

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And I crept up to the shower and pulled back the curtain...and...

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HE SCREAMS

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Get out! Go away!

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Your pants wouldn't be much protection, would they?

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Oh, Harold, don't!

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Stop playing about!

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No-one would know.

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The blood would run away down the plughole.

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Oh, stop it, Harold! It's not funny!

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The perfect opportunity to get rid of you.

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I disappear without a trace, and then,

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when there are about 200 milk bottles on the doorstep,

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the police would break in, and what would they find?

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A bloodless corpse lying on the floor of the shower bath,

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surrounded by washing up and rubber plants.

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"Strange ritual in Shepherd's Bush junkyard.

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"Inspector Lestrade says, 'The man was a human sacrifice.

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" 'We are on the trail of a gang of black witches.' "

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They'd bury you in unconsecrated ground.

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You're barmy!

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You're up the twist!

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What did you say? Ah, nothing, nothing!

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I'm not mad, I just want my mother.

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No, no, no, no, no, no!

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You're frightened, aren't you?

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Oh, you've got a big shake on, look at you.

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Come on out, dry yourself.

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You'll catch pneumonia.

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You callous little bleeder!

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I bet you're cold now, ain't you?

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All them layers of dirt gone.

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Be like shedding your winter skin.

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You were scared silly then, weren't you?

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Petrified of dying, you are. Well, of course I am!

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Well, I don't know why.

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You've had your three score years and ten.

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You're on borrowed time as it is.

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I can't understand why you want to hang on, to be honest.

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I mean you've got no teeth, you can't chew your meat,

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your eyes are going home, you're too old for a bit of nookie...

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Who is?!

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You are.

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I don't see why you bother.

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In a well-organised, less sentimental society,

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you would've been put down.

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Yeah. Or if you don't fancy that,

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you could always go in for the old cryogenics.

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What's that?

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Well, when you conk out, they bung you in the deep freeze,

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and then, in 100 years' time or so, they open up the drawer,

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warm you up and Bob's your uncle - alive in the year 2070.

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Albert Steptoe - interplanetary junkman.

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The first totter on Mars.

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Here he comes, hurtling through space on his rocket full of rubbish.

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0100 hours estimated splashdown, Clapham Common pond.

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What do you reckon?

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I'll put you in the fridge now if you like.

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I can move all the shelves out.

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What are you up to?

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What do you mean?

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I know you. Whenever you go ranting about me being a burden

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and wanting to get rid of me, it's because you want to

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do something and you think I'll be in your way.

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I don't know what you're talking about.

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Hold on.

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What holiday?

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Pardon? The money you're going to get from the council,

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you said you were going to put it towards your holiday.

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Did I? Yes, you did.

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All right, then, I am going on holiday.

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I thought so. Without me?

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Well, I wouldn't put it like that. I'm just going on my own.

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Without me! Well, if you want to put that interpretation on it.

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Well, what other interpretation is there?

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If you're going on your own, you're going without me.

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I didn't think of it as going without you,

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I just thought of it as going on my own.

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It's the same thing. Only if you think that we are indivisible!

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And I don't.

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You are you, and I am me, and I didn't even think about you!

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LAUGHTER

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That's nice, that is.

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You spend nearly 40 years of your life bringing up a baby,

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and then they don't think about you.

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I didn't think of you in terms of my holiday. That's all.

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In any case, where I'm going wouldn't appeal to you.

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I'm not going for a restful holiday, I'm going for an athletic holiday.

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You dirty little sod!

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LAUGHTER

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There are other forms of athletics.

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When are you going?! Next week.

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Next week?

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It's the middle of winter.

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There's nothing happening in Bognor in February.

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I'm not going to Bognor.

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We always go to Bognor!

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Well, I'm not.

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I am going to Obergurgl.

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Ober-where?!

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Gurgl!

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Well, I've heard of everywhere on the south coast,

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but I've never heard of Obergurgl.

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It's in Austria.

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What do you want to go to Austria for?!

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What's wrong with Bognor?

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Well, Dad, with the best will in the world,

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it is very difficult to go skiing in Bognor, at any time of the year.

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Skiing?! You?!

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HE SNIGGERS

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And why not?

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I've always wanted to go on a skiing holiday.

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I've just never been able to afford the gear. It's very pricey.

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So I've been collecting bits here and bits there off of the round.

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All I was missing was my ski sticks, then, this morning,

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I picked up these for 15 bob. Look.

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Where'd you put your feet?

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You don't put your feet on these. These are for your hands.

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These are very important if you want to...

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Well, if you want to...move, for instance.

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I've got the lot now.

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I've got hats and anoraks, trousers, boots, sweaters,

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all from some old bird whose husband was killed by an avalanche.

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Well, not exactly by an avalanche.

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Apparently, he saw it coming.

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And was going 60mph down the Zugspitze,

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and tried to go around both sides of a pine at once.

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Bit of luck he was my size, really, otherwise I wouldn't be able to go.

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Look at this gear.

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She had it all cleaned.

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Not a bloodstain left on it.

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50 bob, the lot.

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Well pleased, she was. Only been worn the once.

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Now, these...are my means of transport.

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LAUGHTER

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Look at that workmanship, huh?

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Feel that finish.

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Racing skis, these are.

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They're different colours.

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Well, I'm going to paint one, ain't I?

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That one's longer than that one.

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Well, I'll cut a bit off, won't I?

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Well, if you want to look a berk, that's up to you.

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I am not going to look a berk!

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There won't be anyone better dressed out there than me.

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Not even the Aga Khan, mate.

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No, but I bet he won't be wearing welding goggles.

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Oh, give me those back!

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You...you had to pick on the one thing, didn't you?

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These are a stopgap, that's all.

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I shall hire a pair when I get to Obergurgl.

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Obergurgl.

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It's a lovely place, Dad.

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Look, I've got a brochure.

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All the best people go there.

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Society people, the jet set, international playboys.

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Look, here we are.

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Eight to 15 days for 23 and a half guineas, including air fare.

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Blimey.

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That's going to blow a big hole in the Aga Khan's pocket, isn't it?

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I suppose he's going to be flying out from Luton with you(!)

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Now, look, you.

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If this derisory attitude persists, I shall have

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no alternative but to stuff this ski stick right up your nostril.

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Now, where were we? Obergurgl.

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It's a very beautiful place.

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Look at it - all laying out there on the veranda in its bikinis.

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I can't wait to get out there amongst all that suntanned crumpet.

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There's plenty of crumpet over here.

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Well, I want brown crumpet.

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There ain't no brown crumpets in England in February.

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There's plenty round here.

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We're the only white family left in the street.

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Look, Dad, I am going, so you might as well get used to it.

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I mean, I don't get much out of life.

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I didn't have a holiday last year. It'll only be for two weeks.

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And what about the business?

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What business?

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We never do much this time of year.

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Shut the place up.

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Why don't you go away as well?

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Where would I go?

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Well, your sister.

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You're always complaining you never see her.

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Why don't you go and see your sister up in Stoke?

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Stoke?! In the middle of February?!

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It'll be crowded, I'd never get in.

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There's some lovely countryside around there.

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I am not going to Stoke-on-Trent in February!

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Oh, well.

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I have made my suggestion. You go where you like.

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So long as you keep away from Obergurgl.

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I wouldn't be in the way.

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You're not coming.

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Anyway, you can't.

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Even if I wanted you to come, you can't. And I don't.

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I got the last booking.

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There isn't an empty bed in the whole of Obergurgl.

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I could sleep in yours.

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You're not intending to spend very much time in it.

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You're not coming and that's final.

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You don't want to take me anywhere these days.

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What do you mean, "These days"?

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I've never wanted to take you anywhere!

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I just can't get rid of you!

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This happens every year.

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I've never had a holiday on my own yet.

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The last time I went abroad on my own was to Germany.

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With the Army.

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And that was touch and go - you wanted to join up then.

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Everywhere I go, you're there.

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Every time I turn around, you're there.

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Can't even go to the bleeding lavatory without you

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waiting outside.

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You follow me everywhere, it's not natural.

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I don't. You do!

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That's not true!

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LAUGHTER

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Where are you going?

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See?

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I'm going to the kitchen, and you're following me.

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No, I'm not, I...I wanted to go in the kitchen as well.

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Oh?

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Oh, go on, then. I'll wait.

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You go in the kitchen and I'll wait out here.

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See?! HE SHRIEKS

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You didn't want to go in the kitchen, did you?

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You were following me! Well, I thought we was talking.

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Oh, I know how the horse feels now when she's sweating.

0:17:120:17:15

Doesn't matter how far she runs, she can't get rid of those flies.

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All I want is a fortnight on my own

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with no...flies buzzing around me, all right?

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Yes.

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I understand.

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I mean, if I have a good holiday,

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I might even be glad to see you when I get back.

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For a few days.

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I shall be glad to see you, Harold.

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I'm always glad to see you.

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I look forward to you coming home every night.

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You're not coming.

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No, I know.

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Anyway, you wouldn't like it.

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I mean, there's nothing there for you.

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There's no whelk stalls, no knees-ups.

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Even the bingo's in German.

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What's the German for "legs 11"?

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I don't know. See?

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You'd never get a full house. No.

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But I bet you do.

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Oh, don't you worry about it, Harold.

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You go off and enjoy yourself.

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I'll send you a card.

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No, don't bother. I shan't be on my own.

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I shall go down to the cemetery and sit with your mother.

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Yeah.

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Well, I'll be off up to my room.

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I don't suppose you want me down here, irritating you.

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Oh, come on, Dad.

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There's no need to be like that.

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Like what?

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Well, you know...

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Irritating.

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No, you've made it quite clear, Harold.

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You'll be off next week.

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I shall try keep out of your way between now and then.

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Well...

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Goodnight, son.

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I shall see you in the morning,

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if we should happen to bump into each other.

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He's not coming.

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He's not coming.

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MAKES WHOOSHING NOISES

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What's this? A bleeding flyover?

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It's a practice piste.

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A what?!

0:19:580:19:59

A piste. That's French for ski-slope.

0:20:010:20:04

It's for beginners, so I can get on to the real stuff.

0:20:040:20:07

I built it myself.

0:20:070:20:08

Yes, I can see that.

0:20:080:20:11

It'll do for what I want. What do you reckon?

0:20:110:20:13

Very nice. How does the horse get out?

0:20:130:20:16

Oh.

0:20:180:20:20

Well, it's only for the weekend.

0:20:200:20:21

She don't go out on weekends.

0:20:210:20:23

I'll take it down on Monday.

0:20:230:20:25

Well, I've got to practise, Dad.

0:20:250:20:28

I've never done this before. It's a very arduous sport.

0:20:280:20:31

You've got to be really fit. I've got to get my muscles tuned up.

0:20:310:20:34

I don't want to be knackered out the first day there.

0:20:340:20:37

Waste of time building that, wasn't it?

0:20:370:20:39

You could've practised coming down the stairs.

0:20:390:20:42

Don't be ridiculous.

0:20:420:20:43

The skis are longer than the stairs.

0:20:430:20:45

You used to, when you was little.

0:20:450:20:47

You used to come downstairs on your mother's best Sunday tea tray.

0:20:470:20:51

Did I? Yes.

0:20:510:20:52

And I remember one winter I brought you home

0:20:520:20:55

a pair of skates off the round.

0:20:550:20:57

Then the horse did a leak, and when it froze over,

0:20:570:21:00

you went skating all over the yard.

0:21:000:21:03

Yeah, not exactly St Moritz, was it?

0:21:040:21:07

No. I can't imagine the Aga Khan skating on that.

0:21:070:21:11

And now you're going off to do the real thing, eh?

0:21:120:21:16

How times have changed.

0:21:160:21:18

Oh, yes. Winter holidays are no longer a prerogative of the rich.

0:21:180:21:23

Everyone's at it these days.

0:21:230:21:25

The mountainsides are dotted all over with the working class.

0:21:250:21:28

Not that I hope to meet many of them where I'm going.

0:21:280:21:31

Read that ski plan brochure out to me again, would you, Dad?

0:21:310:21:35

Page nine - Hermione's diary.

0:21:350:21:37

"Hermione's Diary. A day in the life of a ski bird.

0:21:390:21:43

"Nine o'clock - leap out of bed and survey view.

0:21:450:21:49

"White slopes glisten enticingly under morning sun.

0:21:490:21:54

"Super party last night."

0:21:540:21:56

Oh, yeah. Go on.

0:21:560:21:58

"Big hello from my ski instructor, Hans. He's really something."

0:21:580:22:03

There you are, see, you won't get a look in.

0:22:030:22:06

Well, he can't have them all, can he?

0:22:060:22:08

He's got to think of his job.

0:22:080:22:09

You can't have a shagged-out ski instructor,

0:22:090:22:11

wouldn't last five minutes.

0:22:110:22:13

"Two o'clock - big moment this afternoon.

0:22:130:22:17

"I skied down the mountain for the first time.

0:22:170:22:20

"Hans made it all seem so easy."

0:22:200:22:24

Don't go on about Hans.

0:22:250:22:27

Get to the meat.

0:22:270:22:28

"Four o'clock. Apres-ski begins."

0:22:280:22:32

That's it. That's where it all happens.

0:22:320:22:35

The afternoon booze-up.

0:22:350:22:38

That's where you sort them all out.

0:22:380:22:40

"Get invited by David - he's a TV executive or something -

0:22:410:22:46

"to join him after dinner on a moonlight sleigh ride."

0:22:460:22:51

Cor, sounds marvellous, doesn't it?

0:22:510:22:53

I shall have me some of that.

0:22:530:22:55

Yeah. They'll have to rewrite this for next year.

0:22:550:22:58

"Get invited by Harold - I think he's a rag and bone man."

0:22:580:23:02

LAUGHTER

0:23:020:23:04

You stand no chance, mate.

0:23:040:23:06

On holiday, everybody's equal.

0:23:060:23:08

And I won't tell them I'm a rag and bone man,

0:23:080:23:11

I shall be a...pop group manager, or in advertising or something.

0:23:110:23:15

I'll suss it when I get there.

0:23:150:23:18

"2.00 am - fell sleepily into bed."

0:23:180:23:21

That's it. That's the bit.

0:23:210:23:24

What?

0:23:260:23:27

The snow round my chalet will be melted after the first night.

0:23:270:23:31

Right, here we go.

0:23:320:23:34

Hmm.

0:23:480:23:49

Dad? What?

0:23:520:23:54

How do you turn round?

0:23:540:23:56

Don't ask me. You're the expert.

0:23:570:24:00

No, that's not right.

0:24:070:24:08

Oh, hang on.

0:24:110:24:12

I've got it.

0:24:130:24:15

LAUGHTER

0:24:270:24:30

Well, they feel comfortable enough.

0:24:310:24:33

Right, I think I'm ready for a practice run now.

0:24:330:24:36

I think it might be easier if you took them off first.

0:24:490:24:52

Yes, I think you're right.

0:24:520:24:55

Of course, at Obergurgl, you go up the mountain in a ski lift.

0:24:550:24:59

Well, I didn't think they'd have a bleeding great ladder

0:24:590:25:02

leaning up against it.

0:25:020:25:03

Oh, very funny(!)

0:25:040:25:06

Pass my skis up, would you, Dad?

0:25:070:25:09

And the ski sticks, thank you.

0:25:170:25:18

I mean, you can see why I didn't want to take you now.

0:25:210:25:24

It's a very dangerous sport.

0:25:240:25:26

It's not for old men.

0:25:260:25:27

Here. You're going to need these.

0:25:320:25:34

Don't want to get snow in your eyes.

0:25:340:25:37

Oh, clear off.

0:25:380:25:40

Pater, move away from the door hole, please.

0:25:440:25:47

Right.

0:25:490:25:50

Here we go.

0:25:500:25:51

Well, I'll be off. I shall see you in a fortnight.

0:25:590:26:04

I'm sorry you can't come with me.

0:26:040:26:06

Still, it was a pity to waste a ticket.

0:26:060:26:09

Now, you have a nice rest.

0:26:090:26:12

I don't like to leave you on your own, really.

0:26:120:26:15

But you're going to.

0:26:150:26:16

Oh, yes.

0:26:160:26:17

Are you sure you'll be all right?

0:26:180:26:20

I'll manage.

0:26:200:26:21

You should have someone looking after you.

0:26:210:26:23

Why don't you go off to my sister in Stoke?

0:26:230:26:26

There's some lovely countryside round there.

0:26:260:26:29

Oh, get out of it!

0:26:290:26:31

I'll see you when I get back.

0:26:320:26:34

I'll send you a postcard from Obergurgl.

0:26:340:26:38

Cheerio.

0:26:380:26:41

Dad?

0:26:410:26:42

Don't go mad at it.

0:26:440:26:45

You know, don't go on them steep runs, they're...very dangerous.

0:26:460:26:51

You...you go out on the piste first.

0:26:510:26:54

Oh, I intend to, mate.

0:26:560:26:57

Every bleeding night.

0:26:590:27:01

LAUGHTER

0:27:010:27:04

APPLAUSE

0:27:040:27:07

Hello?

0:27:210:27:22

Can you get me Stoke-on-Trent, 58437?

0:27:230:27:27

Thank you.

0:27:280:27:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:360:27:40

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