Bonk, Bonk, Who's There? Lowdown


Bonk, Bonk, Who's There?

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This programme contains some strong language.

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I'm late for an interview and I might have cancer of the fucking arse!

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If this paper were in trouble, it'd be pieces on blokes

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rooting sheilas for five hours that'd keep it afloat.

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-Is it in trouble?

-Nuh.

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-What's going on with Neil?

-The editor's sacking people.

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Is Wasp Warneke someone you'd like to photograph?

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Oh, yeah!

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Rita!

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# The wintergreen, the juniper

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# The cornflower and the chicory

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# Well, all of the words you said to me

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# Are still vibrating in the air

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# The elm, the ash and the linden tree

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# The dark and deep enchanted sea

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# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled

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# Well, there she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes again. #

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I grew up in a world of men.

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There were the men that I'd fight...

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and there were the men I loved.

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Then came the day that I had to fight...the man I loved.

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'Hollywood heart-throb Oliver Barry is back in Melbourne to promote his neo-realist film.'

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-The Weeping Fist?

-It must be a really sad fist.

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Either that or a badly infected fist.

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-I can see you're right for the interview.

-Actually,

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Alex and Oliver share a birthday, so I reckon we are the right guys

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-for the interview.

-Yeah, I do feel a bit of a connection

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with people who have the same birthday as me.

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Doesn't Hitler have the same birthday as you?

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Well, I think upbringing also has a lot to do with things.

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Mmm... OK, background.

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Now, happy to talk about prepping for the role.

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He broke three ribs during the fight scenes. Happy to discuss that.

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Private life - off limits.

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Do not ask questions about wife or children.

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And favourite vegetable - spinach.

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Is that it?

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Well, you're a good writer. You can make it work.

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Do you think our readers are interested in broken ribs

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and spinach?

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He's a huge celebrity! They'll be fascinated.

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No, they're going to want more than that.

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OK. But this is strictly confidential.

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On Monday, Oliver Barry

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will be voted Wow! Magazine's sexiest man alive.

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Whoa, he's jumped from 10th to 1st. That's unprecedented.

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-Anyone else got this?

-No, of course not.

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-Gentlemen.

-Dylan.

-Dylan.

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-How was he?

-Sexy.

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Sexier than anyone else alive?

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Yes.

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Oh, get over it!

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Doesn't worry me. Oliver's given me three potential splashes anyway.

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-We had quite a connection.

-Did you?

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Right, you guys are last for today.

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How about we go for a drink when you finish?

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Yeah, sure, as long as you don't bang on

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about what I can and can't say in the story.

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Not everything's work related!

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Alex was perplexed.

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Hope van der Boom hadn't had a non-work-related conversation

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since late 1997.

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-Oliver. Alex Burchill. How are you?

-G'day.

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My photographer, Bob Geraghty.

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So, Oliver, could you start off by telling us

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how you managed to get into the mind of a gay boxer?

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Uh, well, I don't think that's really relevant, mate.

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Oh, OK. Um...

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Well, apparently you lost ten kilos to play the role.

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No.

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-I'm sorry, my mistake. Was it nine kilos?

-No.

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-Eight?

-Yep.

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Any funny stories that you could tell us about

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-that happened while you were prepping or on set?

-Um... nuh.

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Really?

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Well, I'm sure something funny happened, but...

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-But you can't think of it right now.

-No.

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Is there anything you can think of that you might like to tell us?

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Yeah, well, whatever was in that briefing document.

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Um, breaking your ribs and spinach.

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Yeah, no. Delete spinach.

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Well, I tell you what, it must have been agony breaking your ribs.

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It was, yeah.

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OK, well...thanks for that. That... Yeah.

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-You got enough?

-Absolutely. That was great.

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Oh, by the way, happy birthday for tomorrow.

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-Thanks.

-It's actually my birthday, too.

-Right!

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Yeah - you, me, Adolf Hitler and Jessica Lange.

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-OK.

-All right.

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Well, that story's not going to save the paper.

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Apparently Dylan's photo by-line is going

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from a 5cm head shot to a 10cm mid shot next week.

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Why don't they do that for you?

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There's no evidence of an increase in circulation.

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-What did you guys do last week?

-450,000.

-Under four and you fold?

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Surely we could talk about something other than the industry.

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Well, um... There is something I'd like to tell you.

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I'm going to have a baby.

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-That's wonderful! Congratulations!

-Congratulations, Hope.

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When's it due?

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Assuming all goes well, this time next year.

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Wow! How does that work?

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Well, I'm going to need a donation.

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Of sperm.

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Look, I know it's a lot to ask. I just want you to think about it.

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And I want you to know this is not a random choice.

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I examined my circle of friends and...

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-I think I can safely say we're friends.

-Yeah...

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And I just think you have the best physical and mental qualities

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of any man I know.

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So, Bob...

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Would you consider being my sperm donor?

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-BOTH: What?

-And as far as the baby's concerned,

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you can have as much or as little contact as you like.

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I'm blown away, Hope.

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And, um, I'm going to consider it very, very carefully.

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This was undoubtedly

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the most brutal rejection Alex had experienced

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over something he never wanted in the first place.

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-HE YELLS

-Give us a smile, Mr Barry!

-No!

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PHONE BEEPS

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Huh. Rita wants us to drop into the gallery.

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Sorry, is this the same Rita who cheated on you with Wasp Warneke?

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Yeah, but if you sleep with a celebrity, it's not technically cheating, apparently.

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And how do you figure that?

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Anyone who gets a chance to sleep with a celebrity would.

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It's just that most people don't get the opportunity to sleep with a celebrity.

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-So basically, you can't trust Rita.

-No.

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Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Wait!

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Get in!

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-Where do you want to go?

-Anywhere. Just go! Go, go, go, go!

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Evasive driving was one of Bob's most impressive talents,

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alongside cordon bleu cooking and being fluent in Dira,

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a Southern Oceanic language spoken on a remote island in Vanuatu.

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Provocative.

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Whimsical.

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Lazy.

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Wouldn't want my kids to see that.

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Doing anything later?

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Oh, I don't know if it's a good idea for us to be spending time together.

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-I said I was sorry!

-Yeah, I know. I just need some time.

-What for?

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-To believe in us again.

-Well, how long's that gonna take?

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-I don't know!

-Rita, come and meet Ashley Morehead.

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He's curating the next Sydney Biennale.

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Uh-oh. Dylan Hunt at nine o'clock.

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-Where?

-Nine o'clock.

-I'm looking at nine o'clock.

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A bit more to your right.

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Bit more. Bit more.

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Right. Shit. Oliver, you better hide.

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-Where'd he go?

-Don't know.

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-Oliver!

-Oliver!

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-Oliver!

-Oliver!

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You'd think the sexiest man alive would be easier to spot.

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Just so you know, I texted Hope to give her the thumbs-up

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on the sperm donation.

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-That's great, mate.

-You're not still shitty, are you?

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No, no, I get it - there's only one thing worse

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than having a receding chin, and that's having two of them.

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Mate, you don't have a double chin!

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Mate, there's more chins here than in a Beijing phone book, OK?

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-And that is a gross exaggeration!

-Holy shit! How'd you get in?

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Well, in The Weeping Fist, my character was able to break

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into cars using nothing but a dipstick.

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I actually left the car unlocked in case we needed a quick getaway.

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Yes, but...you can still use a dipstick to break

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into an unlocked car.

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We're thinking of going back to Bob's.

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Brilliant. I'm stuffed!

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Let's go!

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Oooh!

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Alex, I think you might have too many fieldsmen on the leg side,

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-which is highly illegal.

-Mate, it's a board game!

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Mate, it's Bodyline!

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CLOCK CHIMES

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-Happy birthday!

-Oh, thanks, mate!

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-Perfume?

-What? No, it's not perfume.

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Mate, that'd be a bit gay. No, this is an aromatherapy kit.

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Now, try this for size.

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Frankincense...

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..and bergamot.

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It's calming, but stimulating at the same time.

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Now, if I put a drop of lime oil in there,

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then you get a totally different impact, because...

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-You're batting, mate.

-Yeah, sure.

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I'll just let that waft over us while we play.

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Hey!

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I just came to say happy birthday!

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Happy birthday!

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You smell nice!

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-Thanks.

-Alex?

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-You're not Alex!

-No, I'm Oliver.

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Oh, wow! This is embarrassing.

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-Aren't you the artist?

-Yeah!

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Aren't you the 10th sexiest man alive?

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Yes. But on Monday, I'll be announced as the sexiest man alive.

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Right. But at the moment, you're still the 10th sexiest man alive.

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Yes, but on Monday I'll be number one.

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Yeah, but right now you're still number ten.

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-Oh, bowled him!

-I wasn't ready, mate.

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Are we just gonna keep chitchatting

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or are we going to get this show on the road?

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Ooh!

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THUMPING

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I went to boarding school with a kid who used to do that.

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He wouldn't use his hand, cos that was a sin

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but apparently sticking his penis repeatedly into a pillow

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was totally fine.

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Be sure to get rid of that pillow first thing.

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-Don't wash it, just burn it.

-Oops!

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Ooh! GROANING

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I'm actually quite enjoying that aroma.

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Yeah? I put a hint of ylang-ylang in there just to liven the place up

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-a bit.

-Mmm.

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-Hi! It's just me.

-Was that you in there?

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Just came in to say happy birthday!

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Rita! How am I meant to believe in us again if you're in there

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-rooting my housemate?

-He's not your housemate,

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he's a celebrity who somehow ended up in your bed!

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-But you wanted to give it another chance!

-I do!

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-But you said you needed time.

-I do!

-So, then what's your problem?

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You're not supposed to just go off and sleep with the sexiest man alive!

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How am I supposed to know that? I can't read your mind.

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Well...

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Happy birthday, anyway.

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Now I feel really shit.

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See you in the morning.

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-Yeah, see ya.

-See ya.

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Are you gonna bowl?

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-I might pack it in, if that's OK, mate.

-Yeah, course.

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-Do you need a...

-No, no, no, no.

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Do you want me to put a drop of camomile in the burner?

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No, mate.

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-'Night, then.

-Goodnight, buddy.

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Alex thought that next year for his birthday,

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he wouldn't mind going to Acapulco.

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THUMPING

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Alex! Are you awake?

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What?

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GROANING

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-Maybe now you'll be able to get some sleep.

-Yeah.

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Um, re Hope's request,

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do you reckon I'd be able to knock the top off one now

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or do I have to let the sperm build up?

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I don't know!

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-Righto.

-Just try and keep the noise to a minimum.

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Oh, I'm really silent.

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THUMPING

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That's not me, by the way.

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Hey.

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-What's this?

-It's the reason I came over last night.

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Happy birthday.

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Might open it later.

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-I think you'll like it.

-Oh, thanks for that.

-Ugh!

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I'm taking you and Bob out tonight.

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My shout, wherever you want. You coming?

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Uh, no, I've gotta see my sister tonight.

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-What about the paps?

-I can make myself anonymous.

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-Really?

-Yep.

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Here's Oliver Barry, regular bloke.

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-Right.

-Here's Oliver Barry, the movie star.

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Right! Can you do the first one again?

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I do also have a Paul Hogan wig in my bag.

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-I'd go with that.

-OK. Done.

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-Many happy returns, by the way.

-Yeah, you too.

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-He's lovely!

-Yeah.

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And how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

0:16:050:16:08

Yes, we do need to know.

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Right. So you were 11 when you had your first child?

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Alex, a word, if you please!

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You say in your article on Nicole Kidman,

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-"She was in Australia for the last two months?"

-Yeah.

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-So, she's deceased?

-No.

-Ah, well, surely you mean,

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"She was in Australia for the PAST two months."

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For if you use the word last, it implies a finality

0:16:270:16:29

-which Ms Kidman might not appreciate.

-OK.

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Hey, mate!

0:16:340:16:35

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:16:350:16:38

-I need a splash.

-What if I told you Oliver Barry's

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not the family man he makes himself out to be?

0:16:410:16:44

-Keep talking.

-He stayed at Bob's last night with a lady friend.

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Keep talking.

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He's a very slow fornicator and walks around the house shirtless.

0:16:490:16:53

-Oh, I hate men who are comfortable with their bodies.

-Mmm.

0:16:530:16:56

OK, we'll go big on this. Don't let him out of your sight

0:16:560:16:59

-until the Argus's last edition has gone to bed.

-No worries.

0:16:590:17:03

I'm thinking...Wild About Barry.

0:17:030:17:07

The Trouble With Barry.

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Thrust and Barry.

0:17:080:17:10

-Dirty Barry.

-You have a gift.

-Thanks, boss.

0:17:100:17:14

The editor suddenly came up with Barry The Dirty Dog,

0:17:150:17:19

but it was too late, the competition had finished.

0:17:190:17:22

-Trouble sleeping?

-Yeah.

0:17:250:17:29

-Loss of appetite?

-Yeah.

0:17:290:17:32

-Feeling unattractive?

-Yeah.

0:17:320:17:36

Sharna! Loss of interest and/or pleasure in all activities?

0:17:370:17:41

Yeah.

0:17:410:17:43

-Yes?

-Sharna, answer me this.

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Do you find this man attractive?

0:17:480:17:50

-He's all right.

-There you go. Sharna thinks you're all right.

0:17:500:17:54

That'll be all. Thanks, Sharna.

0:17:540:17:57

-You know what I think?

-What do you think?

0:17:570:18:00

-I think you've got a broken heart.

-Genius.

0:18:000:18:04

Now, broken hearts are like the common cold -

0:18:040:18:06

everyone's got a theory on how to fix them.

0:18:060:18:07

But you know what works for me?

0:18:070:18:09

-Paroxetine?

-Strippers.

0:18:090:18:11

-Oh.

-You see, you go into a strip club

0:18:110:18:14

and there's this anonymity that's immensely liberating,

0:18:140:18:18

much like the Dionysian festivities of the ancient Greeks

0:18:180:18:20

in that the strip club...

0:18:200:18:22

As Alex listened to Dr James's theory

0:18:220:18:24

on the health benefits of strip clubs,

0:18:240:18:26

he couldn't help but feel that it seemed a little sad.

0:18:260:18:29

But then, as Dr James talked more,

0:18:290:18:32

Alex came to think that it actually made quite a bit of sense.

0:18:320:18:35

Then, as he listened further,

0:18:350:18:37

it started to seem really sad again.

0:18:370:18:40

Now, I think we should bear in mind, strippers are people too, OK?

0:18:430:18:47

So...

0:19:160:19:18

Have you ever thought about being a stripper?

0:19:180:19:20

-No.

-Cos they are people too, apparently.

0:19:200:19:23

What about you?

0:19:250:19:26

You ever consider getting your kit off for money?

0:19:260:19:28

No, and it's not because I have a problem with my naked body.

0:19:280:19:32

I'm just not that good a dancer.

0:19:320:19:33

-Well, that would be a problem.

-Mmm. And I'm not at all flexible.

0:19:330:19:38

-Tortola lullabies don't normally come like this.

-Oh, yeah.

0:19:470:19:51

They're normally a very masculine drink.

0:19:510:19:54

-Otherwise Joel Garner would never have drunk them.

-Yeah.

0:19:540:19:56

What?

0:19:560:19:58

Tortola lullabies were Joel Garner's favourite drink.

0:19:580:20:01

You know something about West Indian cricket, do you?

0:20:010:20:04

Well, more than anybody else in this room, I would think.

0:20:040:20:07

OK. Who were the West Indian opening batsmen

0:20:070:20:11

in the team that won the record 11th straight Test match in 1984?

0:20:110:20:15

Haynes and Greenidge.

0:20:150:20:17

Yeah. Technically, it was Greenidge and Haynes,

0:20:170:20:20

cos Greenidge actually faced the first ball.

0:20:200:20:21

Yeah, but only because the Adelaide pitch was a bit green that day

0:20:210:20:24

and Greenidge could handle the bounce better.

0:20:240:20:27

ALL: Cheers!

0:20:520:20:54

-Happy birthday, mate.

-Happy birthday.

0:20:540:20:57

Alex, can I just say that you and the lovely Sharna

0:20:570:21:02

have my blessing?

0:21:020:21:03

Why would we need your blessing?

0:21:030:21:05

Well, I just thought, since you and I have been intimate, that Alex...

0:21:050:21:10

You put your arm around me one night and I told you to take it away!

0:21:100:21:13

Yes, but only because of the employer/employee situation.

0:21:130:21:18

Yeah.

0:21:180:21:20

-Happy birthday, Alex.

-Dylan!

-Thanks, mate.

0:21:200:21:24

Um, this is James, Sharna. Bob you already know.

0:21:240:21:29

Two lap dancers. And my cousin Oscar from...Lightning Ridge.

0:21:290:21:35

I can see the resemblance.

0:21:350:21:37

-You know who else is having a birthday tonight?

-Adolf Hitler?

0:21:370:21:42

Oliver Barry.

0:21:420:21:44

Enjoy your night.

0:21:440:21:47

Hey, look, I just want you to know I promised my COUSIN

0:21:520:21:57

I'd look after his privacy.

0:21:570:21:59

Mate, I'm off duty, now that I've...sent these.

0:21:590:22:04

When Barry Met Sally.

0:22:060:22:09

Picked a bad night to bring the sexiest man alive

0:22:090:22:12

to Diamonds & Pearls. It's Max Hutchins's bucks.

0:22:120:22:15

We're all here - the Post, the Times, the Herald, AAP.

0:22:150:22:19

I'm surprised you didn't know.

0:22:190:22:21

-I forgot.

-Did you?

0:22:210:22:24

Hey, have you seen Oliver?

0:22:260:22:28

I think he went off in search of recreational drugs.

0:22:280:22:31

No!

0:22:310:22:32

'The Hollywood family man was caught

0:22:320:22:34

'in the embrace of stripper Sally Barton, also known as Roxie.'

0:22:340:22:38

'At one point, comma, the Hollywood star

0:22:380:22:40

'turned the tables on Roxie, comma,

0:22:400:22:42

'by stripping for her himself, comma...'

0:22:420:22:44

'The former father of the year celebrating his birthday, comma,

0:22:440:22:47

'which he shares with Adolf Hitler, comma,

0:22:470:22:50

'at the notorious strip club Diamonds & Pearls.'

0:22:500:22:53

SPEAKS IN GERMAN

0:22:530:22:56

Adolf Hitler, comma...

0:22:560:22:59

-Oliver, there's media everywhere!

-What?

0:22:590:23:03

What?

0:23:030:23:04

He's a celebrity!

0:23:050:23:08

Ahh! Ahh!

0:23:100:23:11

I'm warning you, Alex.

0:23:140:23:15

On any given day, a journo will always beat an actor in a fight.

0:23:150:23:18

Really?

0:23:180:23:19

Foolish words, mate. Foolish words.

0:23:220:23:25

Aaah!

0:23:280:23:29

There we go!

0:23:330:23:34

HE SCREAMS

0:23:400:23:42

It's OK, everyone! I'm a doctor.

0:23:430:23:46

I just wanted to make it clear that when I screamed last night,

0:23:480:23:52

it was because of a pre-existing injury.

0:23:520:23:55

It wasn't because of anything that you did.

0:23:550:23:57

Still, sorry for giving you such a brutal hiding.

0:23:570:24:01

And I'm sorry for getting off with your old girlfriend.

0:24:010:24:05

And your new girlfriend.

0:24:050:24:08

And I'm sorry for the article I've just written

0:24:080:24:09

detailing in chapter and verse

0:24:090:24:11

everything that's happened over the past 24 hours.

0:24:110:24:13

And I'm sorry that I dropped your computer in the toilet.

0:24:130:24:16

I can live with that. And weed on it.

0:24:160:24:18

And if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go and wash my hands.

0:24:180:24:22

-Bob.

-Oliver.

0:24:240:24:27

You all right? You don't need a hug or anything?

0:24:330:24:35

-No, I'm fine.

-Well, this is the big moment!

0:24:350:24:39

I'm quite possibly going to be a daddy.

0:24:400:24:43

I'm proud of you, mate.

0:24:430:24:44

Oh, you don't have any bubble bottom porn, do you?

0:24:470:24:51

No, mate.

0:24:510:24:52

It took her four months of parties, functions,

0:25:110:25:14

and waiting outside dressing-rooms,

0:25:140:25:16

but Rita eventually managed to get the baggy green

0:25:160:25:18

signed by every member of the 2006-2007 Ashes-winning

0:25:180:25:23

Australian cricket team.

0:25:230:25:25

Alex's first-person account of his 24 hours with Oliver Barry

0:25:250:25:29

helped the Sunday Sun survive another week

0:25:290:25:32

and pushed Rita's exhibition into the mainstream.

0:25:320:25:36

But all this was insignificant

0:25:360:25:38

compared with the tiny bottle of life Bob held in his right hand.

0:25:380:25:41

-Hi!

-Here you go.

0:25:410:25:44

-Great.

-Excellent.

0:25:460:25:48

-Alex.

-Hope.

0:25:480:25:51

-So, do you like my present?

-I just want to say it's the nicest,

0:25:580:26:02

most thoughtful thing anyone has ever bought me. Thank you!

0:26:020:26:05

No worries! So, do you want to catch up, see how things go?

0:26:050:26:09

-No!

-Oh, OK.

0:26:090:26:12

Do you want to buy one of my works?

0:26:120:26:14

I'll think about it.

0:26:160:26:17

Later, the artificial insemination clinic

0:26:220:26:24

would reject Bob's sperm

0:26:240:26:26

on the grounds that it contained dangerous concentrations of yeast.

0:26:260:26:29

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0:26:300:26:35

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