Hart of Darkness Lowdown

This programme contains some strong language.

You're rooting my housemate!

-What's going on with Neil?

-The editor's sacking people.

I assume you've abandoned Zirco and are enjoying the rejuvenation package in the hotel spa.

Trish has met a very nice bogan gentleman.

I'm spending more time with the twins, so it's win-win.

# The monkey on my back

# Spreads his fingers on my neck

# And his soul takes control of me... #

'Sultry singer Abi Hart has wowed the world with her warm,

'husky voice and '60s melodic pop.'

# Dragged me down on to the deck... #

'This is Sydney's Sofia Corelli,

'down in Melbourne for three sell-out concerts at the Myer Music Bowl.

'Discovered at 16 on the reality show Australia Can Sing,

'she soon rose to stardom by modelling herself on Abi Hart.

'She sings like Abi Hart, she dresses like Abi Hart,

'she does her hair and make-up like Abi Hart.

'She is, however, not Abi Hart.'

KNOCK ON DOOR

Evening. It's a nightcap compliments of the management.

Oh. OK, thanks.

'This is Abi Hart.'

# The wintergreen, the juniper

# The cornflower and the chicory

# Well, all of the words you said to me

# Are still vibrating in the air

# The elm, the ash and the linden tree

# The dark and deep enchanted sea

# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled

# Well, there she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes again. #

You know Max from the travel section?

-Yeah.

-Woke up last Tuesday morning gay.

He was probably already gay.

Mate, there's no way that guy was already gay.

-He was as heterosexual as you are.

-And you are.

Yeah.

-Sofia Corelli was assaulted last night.

-Really? What happened?

-Someone drugged her and shaved her head.

-Shaved her head?

-And one eyebrow.

-That is weird.

-Yeah.

Alex, how sure do you have to be that someone's pregnant before you can publish it?

-40%.

-Great.

-(Hey, Alex, Max has decided he's gay.)

-Yeah, Bob said.

(I was going to ask him to Phantom Of The Opera too, but now there's no point.)

Hey, Alex, a new survey's come out saying three out of five Australian children

are born out of wedlock.

Do you think we could get away with this as a headline?

It's been done before but no-one will remember.

'Alex Burchill, my office.'

-Do you need me to go in with you?

-No, thanks, mate. I'll be fine.

-All right, then.

-Yeah.

Ooh, Alex, before you go in, in your article on Robbie Williams,

you say, and I quote, "Robbie Williams the rapist lives in the valley."

-Now, has he actually been convicted of such a crime?

-"The rapist"?

No, no, the word's broken at the end of the line. There's a hyphen, see?

-"Robbie Williams' therapist lives in the valley."

-Ooh, thank you.

For a moment there I was thinking Robbie Williams was not only a rapist but THE rapist.

Now I have learned he is not a rapist at all and I am very relieved.

-Heard what happened to Sofia Corelli?

-Bald, one eyebrow?

-You thinking what I'm thinking?

-Abi Hart.

Remember when the Argus stole your "Headless Body in Topless Bar" headline?

-I stole that one from Steve Dunleavy.

-If it was yours, you'd be angry.

-I'd be very angry.

-Angry enough to shave off someone's eyebrow?

-Oh, shit, yes.

-She checked into Happy Valley rehab.

-I think it might be time for the Sunday Sun to pay her a visit.

-Great!

-See if Cody's available.

-Cody?! What about me?

It's a tough assignment, mate. I need a hard-news man.

-You're an entertainment reporter.

-I can do hard news.

-It's wild there - there's no tinsel and glamour.

-I don't need tinsel and glamour.

It's very remote.

It's got a private airstrip. I'll take a plane.

Yeah. You love your tinsel and glamour.

Mate, if you want to be taken seriously, learn to travel with the battlers - better stories.

-I might get there by four-wheel drive.

-You won't meet battlers in a four-wheel drive.

-OK, so how do the battlers get to Happy Valley?

-Dinghy.

-Dinghy.

Yeah, give Duncan's Dinghies a call. Tell him you're from the paper.

-He'll give you a good deal. Bob's going too.

-Does he have to? He's acting really weird.

You want someone with experience. At least one photographer's gone out there and hasn't come back.

Really?

Don't forget to mention the dinghy company in the piece -

comfortable, nice way to travel.

Can't we get into trouble for that?

Not if it's part of the story.

'Alex now realised why Andrea's human-interest piece

'on the dog that learned to type

'included random and unexplained references to Duncan's Dinghies.'

-How long will he be?

-I'm not sure. His ex-wife's in there.

-Really?! Do you think they're giving it another shot?

-Well, they might be.

Pull them up, James. It's not going to happen.

-Alex.

-Trish.

-Trish.

-Bob.

You can go in now.

-Everything all right?

-Yes, great.

OK.

-What have we got today, then?

-I just want a referral to the Happy Valley rehab centre.

And what addiction are you trying to deal with?

-Can't you just write a referral?

-I'm a proper doctor. I can't just write referrals willy-nilly.

OK. Um, I'm addicted to...

alcohol.

-Really?

-Yeah.

OK. And would you say that you lose time at work due to drinking?

That actually has happened a couple of times.

-Have you ever felt remorse after a night of drinking?

-Yes.

-Do you drink to help overcome shyness with other people?

-Yes.

Do you turn to inferior companions and environments when drinking?

-Yes.

-Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

-Yes.

-Well, mate, I admire your courage in coming to me.

-You've got yourself a referral.

-Thanks.

Now, this particular gentleman has had some terrific success with alcoholism.

The results are quite promising.

Hang on, we are still talking about the Happy Valley rehab centre, right?

No, Lordy, no. To go there you have to have an exotic addiction

or at least be a celebrity.

Oh, well, Alex, when you sober up,

all these little delusions will just fall away.

You're going to need to let your friends know so they can support you while you're drying out.

OK. Thanks.

You don't have a questionnaire about one's sexuality, do you?

Uh, no, mate.

Why doesn't one just kiss a guy and see if one likes it?

Yeah.

'Alex noticed that from some angles, Dr James bore a passing resemblance to Steve Vizard.'

-What's up?

-I think I might be an alcoholic.

-Don't you have to drink alcohol regularly to be an alcoholic?

-Apparently not.

-Hmm.

So, anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye.

-Why?

-I'm going away on assignment.

-Really?

-Yeah, it's quite dangerous. Some people haven't made it back.

You're an entertainment reporter. Why are you going on dangerous assignments?

I'm not just an entertainment reporter.

Are you going to Afghanistan?

-No. But that would also be dangerous.

-Right.

So, yeah, if anything happens to me,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry it never worked out between us.

Ohh, me too.

SOBBING >

I think your tent might be crying.

-Yeah.

-Have you incorporated a sound installation or something?

No. No, it's just my sister. We think she's a sex addict.

-You think SHE'S a sex addict?

-Don't have to broadcast it!

Oh, it's just Alex.

-It's terrible - she's lost her job, relationship's finished.

-Hey, Alex.

Hey, Selina.

Good luck with your assignment and your battle with the booze.

Thanks. And good luck with... all your stuff.

Yeah.

-I guess it's time to go.

-See you, babe.

-Look after yourself.

-I'll do my best.

I've never mentioned this before but I really like the film Cabaret.

-Yeah. Doesn't mean you're gay, though, mate.

-Oh. OK.

-You the Sunday Sun fellas?

-Yeah. I'm Alex and this is Bob.

-Duncan?

-Dallas. Lessor's made us wear these.

It's a pretty treacherous part of the Yarra.

Who the hell's Lisa?

'Abi Hart was a middle-class girl who landed a record deal

'and was told to get sexy, husky and Cockney.

'At first, she faked it.

'Then she met Brian, a small-time crim with easy access to crack.

'Suddenly Abi went from having no cred to having cred

'and then to having too much cred.

'Yes, it is possible to have too much cred.'

Hey, Alex. Can you rub some of this on my back, please?

No.

Do you keep secrets about your romantic or sexual activities

from those important to you?

Yeah. No offence.

And do you frequently want to get away from a sexual partner

after having sexual intercourse?

Y-y-yeah. Yep.

And have your needs driven you to have sexual intercourse

with people or in places you might not normally choose?

Yeah.

Shit, Bob, can you just stay put?

-I just want to ask you something.

-What?

I was wondering if I could, you know, give you a bit of a kiss.

-What?! No!

-Well, I just need to see if I feel anything.

-Mate, you're not gay.

-Don't be so homophobic.

I don't care if you kiss Dallas.

There is no way he's kissing me, bro.

-Fine. I'll just sort it out myself then.

-Good.

Do you frequently feel remorse,

shame or guilt after a sexual encounter?

Yes.

And are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices?

Yes!

Well, Selina, you have all the hallmarks of a bona fide sex addict.

We thought so.

Now, this man, he's the best in the business.

Thanks.

Er, what's this down here?

Oh, that's just my phone number if ever you need anything.

Thank you.

Mate, we're going to do a recce, check out the security situation.

Watch those guards, bro. They shoot first, ask questions later.

No worries.

-ARROW HISSES BY Hey, there's Ian Norton.

-Hey, Norton, what's the security like?

Jesus!

PHONE RINGS

-Wanted to make sure you got there OK.

-Boss, they just killed Ian Norton!

Great! This is page-one stuff.

He looked really surprised to see us but it was because he was dead.

Mate, I have nothing but admiration

for journos who sacrifice their lives for a story.

I don't want to sacrifice my life!

Yeah, but what about Neil Davis, mate? Paul Moran, the Balibo Five.

-They were killed in war zones. I'm an entertainment reporter.

-I should have used Cody.

He's fearless. He would have already filed a story on the dead photographer

and been on his way to Abi Hart.

The boss doesn't understand that if I die,

sure, there'll be a circulation spike but after that,

who's going to interview all the celebrities?

Norton's not dead, by the way. Must have been a tranquilliser gun.

-Still a dangerous situation, though.

-Oh, yeah.

-What do you think, glasses or no glasses?

-Glasses, mate.

Gives you depth.

Why do you get to wear the white coat? Why can't I?

Because Abi's not going to open up to a maintenance guy.

But she could open up to me in the white coat while you're

in overalls fiddling with wires and taking everything down.

-What are you going to say to her? You're no journalist.

-So I don't know how to ask questions?

It's a skill, mate. I don't make out like I could take photos of her.

Though I probably could.

Oh, right, so I might as well just go home, then.

Seriously, guys, get a room.

You ready?

Yep. Got my lucky Tardis to protect us from being tranquillised.

Good thinking.

Just give us ten minutes, OK?

Boys.

Can I help you?

Yes. I'm sorry, I don't know my way around here.

Do I go down here to get to the patients?

-I believe they're expecting me.

-Oh, yes. Are you the new doctor?

-Yes. Dr...Wang?

-Yes.

We weren't expecting you till later this afternoon.

-That's all right.

-OK, I can call a group session to introduce you.

Actually, I prefer to do one-on-ones first, if you don't mind.

OK. Whatever works for you.

Er, here is the client and room list.

-Great. Oh, perhaps you could let them know I'm dropping by.

-Will do.

-SHE SPEAKS VIA TANNOY:

-Clients, our new psychiatrist, Dr Wang,

will be visiting patients' rooms presently.

I repeat, Dr Wang will be visiting patients' rooms presently.

-HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Please make him welcome.

Hi. I'm Dr Wang.

-Do you mind if I come in?

-Dr Wang?

-Yes.

-You're Chinese, are you?

-My grandfather is.

-Where's he from?

-China.

-Yeah, but whereabouts in China?

Just a small village in the west of China. You wouldn't know it.

-What's it called?

-Shin. Shin... Shinshin.

Jing.

Shinjing. So, how are you coping with the withdrawal?

Yeah, it's great.

I think I might get back on the gear when I get out just so I can go through this again.

Did you know research shows treatment progresses more quickly

if you clear your conscience?

I've got a clear conscience.

No-one's got a completely clear conscience.

There must be something you can confess.

No. I've only ever brought joy to the world.

'Alex detected a note of sarcasm in Abi's responses,

'and in his article, he would use italics to illustrate this.'

-Excuse me, fellas, have you got the time?

-Yeah, it's 1:30.

Oh, shit! OK, thanks.

'In order to reflect a certain academic aptitude befitting his disguise,

'Alex decided to squeeze a six-syllable word into his next question.'

Abi, I'd like to workshop a little scenario with you,

something I do with most of my patients.

Say you're an 18th-century prestidigitator...

What's a prestidigitator?

-You know what a magician is?

-Yeah.

-Same thing.

You come up with a fabulous act - the Vanishing Lady.

A rival magician studies how you do it,

then goes off and does their own show, same act.

How do you feel about that?

All right.

Mmm, I don't think you're taking this seriously.

The rival magician gets the money and the glory.

But it's your act. Your costume. Your hair and make-up.

What do your other patients say?

Most of them want to take revenge on the rival magician.

Do they say how?

Usual ways - poison, torture. Shaving an eyebrow.

-Abi, I'd like you to think of this space as a safe haven.

-OK.

-You know Sofia Corelli?

-What about her?

Someone shaved her head and one of her eyebrows.

The girl who did this had curly brown hair, a big nose

and glasses, but it could easily have been a wig and a false nose.

-And glasses.

-Why do you think she did that?

You seem to know everything. Why don't you tell me?

It could have been revenge.

Like, she wanted to teach the girl a lesson.

-Be hard to prove.

-My grandfather used to say...

HE SPEAKS CHINESE

-What does that mean?

-I don't know. I don't speak Chinese.

But I do know the girl who did this needs serious help.

Maybe you're misdiagnosing her.

Subconsciously, the eyebrow represents communication.

The fact that it was the right eyebrow suggests that the perpetrator wants to be caught.

It wasn't the right eyebrow. It was the left one.

-Apparently.

-Abi, you're in a lot of pain from withdrawal.

You're probably experiencing depression, anxiety.

But what you have to understand is the process of confessing

is the most powerful thing a patient can do in speeding up recovery.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Sorry, got to check the wiring before the renovations.

I'm sorry, mate, we're in the middle of a consultation, OK?

-I understand that, Dr Burchill, but I have a...

-What did you call him?

-Dr Burchill.

-It's Dr Wang.

-Right. Right?

Just do whatever it is you have to do and then please leave.

No worries, I might just check under here if that's OK.

Abi, this is a safe place. There's no judgment here.

Sorry, I've got to check some wires, so you might experience a flash.

-Are you ready to unburden?

-Sorry about that.

-Can you just...

-We're in the middle of something here.

-No worries.

Abi, the pain you're experiencing right now, it will ease, I promise.

Confidential, right?

Doctor-patient confidentiality is something I take very seriously.

SCREAMING

KNOCK ON DOOR

I thought I heard you. Are you OK?

-I'll be with you in a minute.

-Is this for your...

-Can you just get her out of here?

-I beg your pardon.

-Oh, are you doing a story?

-I'm sorry, do I know you?

-I'm Dr Wang.

-Oh, OK.

-Er...well, we're in room six when you're ready.

-What story?

I'm sorry, Miss Hart, I'm actually from the Sunday Sun.

Can you confirm this is the wig you used

-to shave Sofia Corelli's head and one of her eyebrows?

-You fucking... Don't you dare!

-Run!

Wait! Stop!

-Will you be having lunch, Dr Wang?

-Yes, I will. Thank you very much.

Boys, how you going?

Security!

Stop!

Stop! Fucking tabloid scum!

-Stop! Stop!

-Start the boat!

-Get in, Bob. Get in, quickly!

-Fucking tabloid freaks!

Fucking tabloid scum! Fucking paparazzi freaks!

So much for his lucky Tardis.

Yeah. No, definitely not gay.

'Thanks to Alex's expose, Abi was convicted of malicious assault

'and the Sunday Sun's circulation rose by 10%.'

-LBW!

-Bugger.

Well, Alex, it seems you're probably not an alcoholic after all.

-That's a relief.

-It sure is.

It says here you actually have to drink alcohol regularly

in order to qualify as an alcoholic.

Amazing. PHONE RINGS

Dr James Sawers.

Oh, hello.

Ah, yes.

Um...yes.

Yep, see you then. OK.

Don't wait up, boys.

Someone's got a date with a nymphomaniac.

'After successfully completing her treatment for sex addiction

'at the Happy Valley rehab centre, Selina went on a date with Dr James.

'The evening started out promising but ended abruptly

'when Dr James got a bit tipsy

'and suddenly tried to undo her bra with his teeth.

'Meanwhile, Sofia Corelli made a virtue of her bald head

'and went on to have a distinguished career

'singing anthemic Celtic pop songs.'

# But I spent this morning taking down your pictures

# Cos I spent last night looking up at your eyes

# And I'm trying not to cry over you

# I'm trying not to feel like I do

# But now I know it's true

# I remember when you gave me your affections. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd