Cooper Scooper Lowdown

Why are you going on dangerous assignments?

I'm not just an entertainment reporter.

(We thought he was surprised to see us but he was surprised because he was dead!)

Great! This is page one stuff.

Alex, can you rub some of this on my back, please?

No.

Trish has met a very nice bogan gentleman.

I'm getting to spend more time with the twins, so it's win-win.

'7pm, Eastern Standard Time.

'Prominent Melbourne identity and former Bendigo Golden Gloves, Jack Cooper,

'is driving home from a function, listening to his favourite radio announcer...'

'I'm Jack Cooper, and this is Cooper Across Australia.'

'Himself.'

-The teachers are a bit worried about Holly.

-How so?

-She's drawing people without faces again.

-That's cute, isn't it?

Well, the school thinks it suggests

an inability to empathise with other people.

I wonder, you know, if you spent a bit more time with her...

Shhh! This is a good bit.

'Now, to those tourist operators I say this, in 20 years' time,

'when the Barrier Reef is still there,

'I hope you refund the money to those people you swindled.

'And if you don't, you're thieves!'

But, Jack, the Barrier Reef is dying.

Shhh! Baby, I think Daddy needs a wee-wee.

Can't it wait till you get home?

Shhh. Just looking for a place to pull over.

-Unbelievable.

-Shh!

CAR HORN BEEPS

'Cooper, Jack. 7 Sunset Court, Toorak.

'Just got him for a 301, 317, 322 and a 406. Over.'

'This was precisely the type of story that Sunday Sun editor Howard Evans

'had hoped would come along

'and justify him not accompanying his family to the opening night of Phantom Of The Opera 2.'

This programme contains some strong language

# The wintergreen, the juniper

# The cornflower and the chicory

# Well, all of the words you said to me

# Are still vibrating in the air

# The elm, the ash and the linden tree

# The dark and deep enchanted sea

# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled

# Well, there she goes My beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes again. #

'Meanwhile, the 2010 Knightley Award nominations

'had just been announced.

'Named after leading investigative journalist and author Philip Knightley,

'they honoured the cream of Australian writers.

'For the fourth year in a row,

'Alex Burchill had not received a nomination for Best Columnist.'

I'm constantly breaking stories,

then writing up those stories in a pithy, entertaining way.

-I mean, what more could they want?

-It's the photo byline.

-It's not the photo byline.

-It's from, like, 1992.

They hate tabloid!

I mean, seriously, why does Dylan Hunt always get nominated?

-It's broadsheet snobbery.

-You were robbed, mate.

-You don't actually read my column, do you?

-No.

I notice you haven't said anything.

Oh, congratulations on your nomination, by the way.

Thanks, mate.

As it happens, in case you missed out again, I took the liberty of digging this up.

-It's your five-year plan.

-Can we just go?

-I'd like to have something to eat before we go in.

-Yeah, let's go, mate.

I think you'll be surprised at how much you've achieved on this list.

PHONE RINGS

-Mmm, might be work.

-Don't answer it!

Hello?

Jack Cooper's been busted for indecent exposure,

urinating in public, resisting arrest and DUI!

-Drunk and...

-Driving under the influence.

-The irony is he's been a massive campaigner against drink driving and public urination.

-That's true.

So go around there and ask him if there's one rule for him

and one rule for everyone else.

Boss, Susan's actually got us tickets to Phantom Of The Opera 2.

This won't take a minute.

And, Alex, it'd be great if you could provoke him so he lashes out,

makes an arse of himself.

-No worries.

-He thinks I won't touch him because I was his best man,

-but bugger him, Melbourne's not a toilet.

-Yeah! Good point.

OK, so who's coming to pay Jack Cooper a visit?

Oh, why can't you just turn off your phone? It's after hours.

-Sorry, mate. Can't tonight.

-Where are you going, anyway?

-Sharna's comedian boyfriend broke up with her.

-Really?

Yeah. So, I'm taking her out.

Shoulder to cry on.

So, it's a date!

Well, we don't want to frighten the natives, but it is a date, yes.

-Does she know that?

-We're giving the relationship another shot.

Right... The relationship that involved you briefly putting your arm around her.

-Mate, a relationship's a relationship.

-All right.

-Um, are you over the limit?

-Most definitely.

-I can drive.

-I might be OK.

-I can drive!

-I didn't know you had your licence.

-Yeah, last week.

-What'd you lose points for?

-Mirrors and dry turning.

-Hmm, that's a concern.

-Give me the keys. Come on!

'Rita's test had got off to a bad start when she slapped the examiner's hand away

'as he tried to turn the car radio off,

'which she suspects may have inadvertently given him an erection.'

-Editor?

-No.

-Own your own house?

-No.

-Own a prestige car?

-No.

-Hey, mate, this is an excellent idea(!)

-Travel the world?

Why do you keep asking me questions

when you know the answer's going to be "no"?

-Well, you've been to Bali.

-Actually, that was a really good holiday.

-Married? No. Kids?

-Hope not!

-No. Threesome?

-No.

-Really?

-Me neither.

I haven't even had a twosome since June...

'08.

It's been pretty much onesomes for the past...630 days.

-That's a lot of onesomes.

-Sex in an elevator?

-No.

Yes, you have! Oh, no. That's right.

-Just concentrate on the driving.

-Sex on a plane?

-No.

-Babe, you've got to be more adventurous!

At least they're realistic.

-I'll probably never get within coo-ee of my five-year goals.

-Which are?

Put it this way, they mostly involve Tom Baker,

the greatest Doctor Who of them all.

Pull in here. I want to pick up the first edition.

Nice and safely. Don't fucking bump into anything, please.

Hard turn, hard turn. Yep, nice. Back in a sec.

-Don't be long.

-Don't be long.

Here we go. He'll flick through the paper.

He'll find his column. They'll have done something weird to his column.

-He'll say, "Fucking hell!"

-Fucking hell!

Little frown comes on his face.

And the big eyes!

-Look at that.

-What's wrong?

-My photo byline is an orange smudge.

-Look at my pics!

-What's with the cheap ink?

-Someone's got to tell the boss cost-cutting's a false economy.

-No one's going to buy this.

-Oh, you've got ink on your nose.

Yeah, mate.

-Yeah.

-OK.

'Bob enjoyed the fact that his and Alex's relationship allowed

'this kind of intimacy.

'Alex, on the other hand,

'hoped that Bob would never touch his face again.'

CAR HORN BEEPS

-Got you a rose.

-Thanks.

-You hungry?

-Not really.

-Great! Um, just need to do something first, OK?

-OK.

-All right.

-Back in a sec.

-Don't be long.

-Don't be long.

DOGS BARK

-It's me.

-What are you doing?

-No one's home. Might have to leave it.

-Try again.

-There's no answer.

I'm starting to understand why you weren't nominated for a Knightley.

-OK, I'll try again.

-Yeah, and keep trying until the piss-head answers.

-'Yes?'

-Mrs Cooper?

-'Yes. Shut up, Brutus!'

My name's Alex Burchill.

I'm from the Sunday Sun.

So sorry to disturb you, but I understand Mr Cooper was involved

in a drink driving/urinating incident.

I was just wondering if he'd mind commenting on it.

-'When did this happen?'

-I'm not sure.

-Maybe an hour or so ago.

-'I assume he's all right?'

-He's not at home?

-'Come in.'

-Oh, no, no. That's OK.

I'm so sorry to interrupt your evening.

Darling, you are my evening!

-I thought you'd want to come in.

-I do, but I can't stay, cos I'm on my way in to the city.

-The city?

-Yeah.

-Isn't that dangerous?

-Not usually.

-What about all those bogans?

-Well, they're generally pretty harmless.

Well, I wouldn't go out there.

Is your husband home?

-You normally write about entertainers, don't you?

-Yes!

Do you like music?

Yes...

# Well, there's a pretty girl waiting

# At the counter of a corner shop

# She's been waiting back there Waiting for her dreams

# Her dreams walk in and out They never stop

# She's not too proud to cry out loud

# She runs through the streets and she screams

# What about me?

# It isn't fair

# I've had enough, now

# I want my share

# Can't you see?

# I wanna live

# But you just take more than you give. #

-What a voice!

-Why don't you write about me?

I'll definitely be incorporating you into the story.

So I take it Mr Cooper's still out?

-Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

-Drink?

-I've actually got tickets to...

-I'm so sorry! I thought you wanted to discuss my husband.

-I do!

Well, how about a little drink, then?

In four and a half hours, it'll be 631 days...

..without female contact...

..of the erotic variety.

-What is he doing in there?

-Yeah, don't know.

-You seen any good films...?

-I'm going to call him.

-Right-io.

Here it is, the old marital home.

Note Trevor's new fancy sports car sitting in the driveway.

A nod to his lower middle-class origins.

I only make the point because Trish used to be such a snob.

Ooh, twins' light's just gone off. Nighty-night, you little rascals.

Yeah. Trish would be taking her face off.

Where'd they go, where'd they go? There she is.

Oh, isn't that nice?!

Trish and Trevor have a bit of alone time at the end of a hard day.

Yeah, isn't...? Oh, what! Come... Do we need to see that straightaway?

What happened to a cup of tea and a chat?

So Mr Cooper hasn't been in touch at all?

No. But I'm sure he won't be long.

DOG BARKS

Brutus, stop that!

The thing is, these days you've got

Australian Idol, Australia's Got Talent, The Singing Office.

I mean, it's great if you're 20 years old.

Yeah, I'm not a massive fan of those shows.

-Mmm, but it gets you noticed.

-True. Just back to Mr Cooper.

What would it mean to your husband if he lost his licence over this?

-He won't lose his licence.

-Why not? Because he's a pillar of the community?

-No, because he lost it two years ago.

-He could really be in trouble, then.

-No, he won't.

-Why not?

-Because he's a pillar of the community.

PHONE RINGS

-Who's ringing you at this hour?

-Just my friends in the car.

-The car?

-What are your friends doing in the car?

-Oh, they're happy there.

You'd better answer that.

-Hello?

-How long are you going to be in there? We're going to miss the start of the show!

I'm just having a quick drink with Mrs Cooper. I won't be long.

What?! It's freezing out here! And...weird!

Can we come in? Ask him if we can come in.

-Bob wants to know if we can come in.

-I don't think that's a good idea. I won't be long.

Tell them to come in. You can't leave people in the car, freezing to death.

-OK, you better come in.

-OK. See you in a second.

Sorry about that. So because of Mr Cooper's standing...

Alex, how can I have a serious conversation with you when you've got shit all over your face?

DOG BARKS

Brutus, that's enough!

Go and wash it off.

DOORBELL RINGS

'Hello.'

# What about me?

# It isn't fair

# I've had enough

# Now I want my share

# Can't you see...?

DOG BARKS

Shut up, Brutus!

# I wanna live

# But you just take... #

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-How'd you go?

-(I can't talk now. I'm inside the house.)

-That's great! What's he saying?

-(He's not here. I'm with his wife.)

-Where's Cooper?

-I don't know, police station?

-Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, but why not ask?

-I did. She doesn't know.

How can she not know? She was with him!

Why do you say that?

Well, according to the police, his wife was in the car with him.

-It couldn't have been his wife.

-Interesting. We may have stumbled on something here.

You better hurry up and file. As it stands, page one is blank.

And don't you have a lavish musical to get to?

Just make sure you don't knock that lamp.

We think the cleaners broke it. They're Catholics.

-Oh.

-I'll put the kettle on.

-Oh, no, no...

-Do you think that was already there?

-I don't think so!

I might try and find a bathroom.

Maybe you should try and get that off.

-Where's he going?

-Oh, he just needs to wash his hands.

-You're going to see Phantom 2, aren't you?

-Yes.

Well, when he gets back,

how would you like to hear the title song to Phantom of the Opera 1?

Great!

-Hey, mate.

-Where are you off to?

-Bathroom.

Is that her?

Yeah, I guess so.

Alex...

Look me in the eye and tell me that's not Mr Tom Baker.

Oh, mate, don't go on about Doctor Who to her. We've got a show to get to.

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm not standing in the foyer of the State Theatre.

That's coming up OK.

How long are we going be here?

Now, I hope you don't mind.

I'm using this cup because I always drink out of it.

I'd give them to you but they're insanely expensive.

Mrs Cooper, do you know who was in the car with your husband?

-He was by himself, wasn't he?

-The police said...

-Hey!

-The Invasion Of Time, episodes three to six.

-So you're an actor as well?

I told Alex I'm the person he should be writing about.

-What's Tom Baker like?

-Are you a Doctor Who fan?

-To the point of lunacy.

-Would you like to see something?

-No!

-It'd be an honour.

-Come on, then.

-Mate, two minutes.

-When does the show start?

-20 minutes.

-Want to fool around?

-No!

-All right!

-I will, however, let you arm-wrestle me.

-What?

Come on, I've been doing a lot of Bikram yoga

and I want to see how strong I am.

Wow, that was pathetic, even for a girl your size.

-How do you survive in this world?

-I wasn't ready. Go again.

-What'd be the point?

-OK, this time, let's make it more interesting.

This time, if you win, I have to give you my photos of

Misanthropic Eastern European Men Crying.

And if I win, you have to give me your car.

-That's crazy, Rita. You're not going to win.

-You don't have anything to worry about, then, do you?

-Ready?

-Mm-hm.

-Go.

-You must be stronger than I thought you were!

-Mmm, amazing.

Drop off the Misanthropic Eastern European Men Crying anytime.

-Well, you'll have to pick them up yourself, because I don't have a car.

-We've gotta get going.

You go and find him and I'll have another crack at this.

-OK, and if you get into any danger, just give me a call.

-Yeah, you'd be a great help!

-Seriously, come up with a whistle or something, like a bird whistle.

-You'll come and save me, will you?

Assuming I'm available, yes.

Oh, that's so reassuring! Thank you.

'Alex felt that considering she'd just been humiliated in consecutive arm wrestles,

'Rita seemed to have a perplexing amount of confidence.'

It's the original.

It can't be. If it's the original...

it has a...

hole in it.

They created the hole to show where the scarf was blasted

by the security system in The Ark In Space.

He never made love without it.

I know.

-You want?

-No, thanks.

I'm so sorry you had to see all this.

Things have certainly changed since my tenure. That's for sure.

What?

It's all right, officer. I'm a doctor.

Bob?

SHE WHISTLES PATHETICALLY

SHE WHISTLES

SHE WHISTLES

Cheep! Cheep!

Bob?

SHE WHISTLES

SHE WHISTLES

MOBILE RINGS

(Where are you?)

-Where are you?

-I'm outside the spa.

-Is that anywhere near the theatrette?

-I don't know.

What floor are you on?

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Oh, hang on. Hang on, someone's coming.

THEY SCREAM

-What are you doing in my house?

-Mr Cooper, I'm Alex Burchill.

I'm from the Sunday Sun.

-LAUGHTER

-What the fuck is going on?

Oh, Bob. Bob!

Darling! This is Bob.

He's a massive Doctor Who fan.

Mr Cooper, just a few quick questions.

Do you think you'll be able to get off the charges?

You want that thing smashed?

Is this the woman you were in the car with? Mr Cooper?

-You said it was over!

-Well, it was!

Then it was on again, wasn't it?

You said you could never be with someone who thinks Gareth Evans is our greatest ever...

Christ's sake, woman, she's the mother of my only child!

CAMERA CLICKS

Yeah. Anyway, we've got tickets to a show. So it was great meeting you both.

RUN!

Come here, you little piss-head!

Sic 'em!

DOGS BARK

Jesus!

DOGS BARK

HE SCREAMS

HE SCREAMS

DOG BARKS

-You OK?

-Yeah. We're going to need tetanus shots.

No, we won't, will we?

-Dog bites, mate.

-Well, I won't be having one.

-Are you still OK to go to the show?

-No, mate.

-Yeah, it's probably a bit late anyway.

-Where's Rita?

-Where was she?

-She was right behind me!

-Rita!

-Rita!

Oh, she wouldn't have had a hope of getting over that wall.

I'm sure she'll be OK.

But you do know that an artist's work

goes up in value once they're...

you know...dead.

Actually, she gave me her Misanthropic Eastern European Men Crying series just before.

-Did you get that in writing?

-Get what in writing?

-Hey!

-Rita!

-What happened to you?

-Well, I saw the dogs were after you, so I went through into the neighbour's,

which was lucky, since it was obviously every man for himself.

You should have whistled. I didn't hear any whistling.

'Sunday Sun.'

Copy takers, thanks.

-'Copy takers'.

-Yeah, hi. It's Alex.

-Can we call this one Cooper AB?

-'Calling it Cooper AB.

'OK, go ahead, please.'

OK, influential Melbourne broadcaster Jack Cooper has

a long-term mistress and an illegitimate child, comma...

'Jack Cooper was fined several hundred dollars and temporarily

'suspended from his late-night radio show for inappropriate behaviour.

'Many years later, Mr Cooper's illegitimate daughter, Holly,

'would obtain worldwide recognition for her distinctive,

'but ultimately frustrating, series Portraits Without Faces.

'And Dr James and Sharna agreed never to mention their night out again.'

# And so we say goodbye

# That was the best show yet by far

# It's not hard to work out why

# Oh, Mrs Cooper, what a star!

# A legend you are

# You stole that show from Adam Zwar! #