A Lavish Swinger Lowdown

-Sharna's comedian boyfriend broke up with her.

-Want to fool around?

Go.

You must be stronger than I thought.

First she'll be taking her face off.

Your name?

Peter Helliar?

'Burchill lines up the shot.

'Ooh! Oops!

'Burchill fires away with a three-wood.

'Stunning! And a great hand for this sensational Australian player.'

Mate! Mike Lavish couldn't have done it better.

Thanks, mate. I'm actually playing in the celebrity pro-am on Sunday.

Oh, how did you get into that?

-You know.

-Amazing.

'Geraghty steps up to the tee.

'Well, he'll be disappointed with that.'

-I'm disappointed with that.

-'Yes, I thought he would be.'

Ah, here we go, mate.

Thanks, buddy.

'Geraghty's selected a five-iron for this shot out of the rough.'

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

-What do you think of Holly?

-I don't know. Who is she?

I'm thinking of changing my name.

Rita, you can't keep calling me up all the time on these little whims!

I mean, what happens when I start seeing someone else? SHE GUFFAWS

Aw! What about Lucia? I quite like Lucia too.

Wouldn't it be a bit of a hassle?

Yeah, I guess so. Maybe I'll just stick with Rita.

-You done?

-Yeah. Sorry, mate. You go.

'And that's a marvellous stroke from Gera... Oh, bad luck.'

-It was Rita.

-No shit.

Thought it might have been urgent.

So you turn your phone off when it's your shot.

Mate, no offence. My phone ringing is the least of your problems. And this is for a birdie.

You mean a par.

No, I drove onto the green and this is my second shot.

So you're not counting the air swing?

What air swing?

-On the tee.

-That was a practice shot.

There was intent to hit the ball. And where there's intent...

There was no intent. It was a practice shot.

So you didn't try to hit the ball?

-Is this about me having my phone on?

-No. It's whether I can trust you.

It would be impossible for a golfer of my calibre to take an air swing.

You said it yourself. Lavish couldn't have done it better.

Would he ever miss the ball? No. He would never miss the ball.

He missed the ball.

-This is the Australian Masters?

-Yep.

-How many strokes did he win by?

-One.

Oh, mate.

No, you've done the right thing.

# The wintergreen, the juniper

# The cornflower and the chicory

# Well, all of the words you said to me

# Are still vibrating in the air

# The elm, the ash and the linden tree

# The dark and deep enchanted sea

# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled

# Well, there she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes, my beautiful world

# There she goes again. #

'Like many ailing newspapers,

'The Sunday Sun sub-let part of its office space to a private business.'

Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Gary Duffy.

How are you? Gary Duffy. Hi.

Well, that's the hair.

Gary Duffy. How are you?

'Hi-Tech Hair Solutions was a rapidly growing company

'that had developed a breakthrough technology for making hair appear on bald heads.

'Otherwise known as a wig.'

-Janine Burton.

-Hello, Janine.

What's going on?

(When we got in, the desks were like this and Gary was moving in.)

-Gary, eh?

-(We met in the lift.)

-(You don't think the paper's in trouble?)

-No, the boss would've told us if it were.

Hi, mate. I thought your article on AC/DC was really nicely written.

-Thanks, mate.

-However, I did feel that you focused a bit too much on Malcolm,

when Angus is clearly the star.

-I mean, you do know that Angus can play guitar one-handed?

-Right.

Gary Duffy. How are you?

Alex Burchill. Good.

Hey, Alex. Did you really play golf this morning?

Yeah.

Seriously or ironically?

Seriously.

Oh, right.

-INTERCOM:

-Alex Burchill.

KNOCK ON DOOR Boss?

I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine. Paul Mountfoot.

-Mountfoot? Mike Lavish's caddie?

-Former caddie.

What's he like? I'm a huge fan.

Oh, you'll love this, then. Come around.

Why would I love that?

Sshh.

-So that's three, Mr Lavish.

-Two.

So you're not counting the air swing?!

What air swing? That was a practice shot.

-Technically, Mr Lavish, the intent was there to hit it, and where there's intent...

-Put a two.

Lavish won the Masters by one stroke. So it's big.

There's a press conference to launch the Mike Lavish Golf game and you're going to be there.

What happened to caddie loyalty?

He contravened the rules as laid down by the Royal And Ancient Golf Club Of St Andrews.

-He addressed the ball and swung with intent to strike.

-We'll make copies of the tape.

-Is it that big a deal?

It's huge! Do you know how many golfers buy newspapers?

-No.

-Well, I don't either. But I bet there's a few.

'22,321 in the greater Melbourne metropolitan area alone.'

So glad you're here. Come on, sweetheart! I know you're a big fan.

Actually, I'm fine.

Sorry, I'm on these egg-stimulating hormones.

I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.

Have you found a suitable donor?

No. But I've found hair in the most amazing places!

Wow.

-You coming to the range afterwards?

-No.

Yeah. Lavish is taking a few of us down to the driving range

to give us some pointers. Where necessary.

Good to see you keep a professional distance from your subject.

Oh, mate, you've got to lighten up.

You'll be old before your time.

APPLAUSE

Just want to introduce Mike Lavish,

winner of the 2010 Australian Masters.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thanks very much for coming.

We've taken some time to get this little game right.

And we think we've got a real winner.

So if you like golf, you'll love Mike Lavish Golf.

And might I add, it's nice to be able to say that

I've finally done something that impresses my kids.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We'll open it up for some questions.

I've got a question for Mr Lavish.

Would you mind talking us through the air swing

you took on the 16th hole during the final day of the Masters?

-What are you talking about?

-He doesn't know what you're talking about.

In the scrub on the 16th hole, you went to hit the ball but you missed.

That was a practice swing, mate. Any other questions?

-You know the swing I'm referring to?

-Mate, you're making an idiot of yourself.

-Public idiot of yourself.

-If you counted the air swing, it would've gone to a play-off.

-You're calling me a cheat?

-I'm just asking if you recall the incident.

He's answered the question, Alex. Right, anyone else?

If you need a reminder, I've got the footage on my mobile.

Get out!

-HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK:

-What the hell d'you think you're trying to do?!

God!

'Alex suddenly got an unwelcome and vivid image

'of Hope van der Boom's errant tufts of hair.'

-That was an ironic turn of events.

-Just for the record, I don't believe it was an air swing.

Well, you wouldn't, would ya?

Headache?

Everyone just keeps ringing me on my mobile.

I'm worried it might be a tumour.

I still maintain there are serious doubts over your integrity,

but I'm willing to put it aside for the moment. Give me your hand.

-What? Why?

-Just give me your hand.

You have such delicate hands.

-OK, that's enough, mate.

-Wait!

Ow!

How's your head?

Actually, much better.

-It's the Chinese acupressure point for pain.

-That's amazing.

I got to get going. Got an appointment with Gary

at Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.

Appointment for what?

I think I might be going bald.

Mate, take it from me. You're not going bald.

Gary said up to 97% of men face hair loss at some point in their lives.

But if I act now, there might be time to save it.

-That's because you're not going bald.

-And I don't intend to.

I'd give you a lift but there's still a little matter

of a confession I'm waiting for.

-I don't even want a lift. Good cos you're not getting one.

-Good(!)

I'm so sorry, Mr Lavish. I personally never believed it was an air swing.

When you write for the Sunday Sun,

sometimes you have to ask questions you don't want to ask.

My caddie give you that footage, did he?

I'm sorry. There's no way I can reveal my sources.

-Skinny guy, neatly dressed? Mousy-brown mop top?

-Yes.

He was a greenskeeper at Beechworth on 300 a week when I hired him.

I've taken him all over the world.

Where's the gratitude?

-You need to trust your caddie.

-There's a code. You don't break the code.

Exactly. Why doesn't somebody write about THAT?

They're going to. Check out Sunday's paper.

You play a bit of golf, do you?

Oh, just some amateur stuff.

-Although I'm thinking of taking the PGA test.

-Are you?

-Show us your swing.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Yeah, look, there's a problem with your stance. Here, spin around.

So it's all about your set-up. Keep that toe in a fraction.

That toe out a bit. There you go. Bend at the hips.

Nice, easy swing.

-Feel the difference?

-Yeah!

You need to drag your toe back when you come back with...

Ow! Jeez, that...

-You all right?

-Yeah.

That really hurt. I'm going to go get that checked out.

'Meanwhile, Sharna was still dealing with

'the break-up of her relationship.

'But as her mum used to say, "There's no tragedy so great

'"that a bit of lippie and a new hairdo can't fix it."'

You look nice.

Thanks!

James back yet?

He shouldn't be long. Did you hurt your hand?

Mmm. Need to make sure I'm OK for the celebrity pro-am.

Cos I'm playing in it.

OK.

-HE EXHALES:

-G'day, mate!

Just whip these off and I'll be with you in a tick, all right?

Hmm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Are you sure you don't want to get changed?

No, I'm all right. I know you're always in a hurry.

There's definitely some bruising.

Looks like you came into contact with something hard.

That's brilliant, mate.

You have very delicate hands. Don't go punching people with these.

They're not made for fighting.

These hands, these hands are made for typing. Sharna?

All right, so you think I'll be OK for the pro-am?

Mmm, I'd be looking at building up some strength first, if I were you.

Sharna, come and have a look at Alex's hands.

They're like girls' hands! See?

Oh, they're very feminine!

Yeah. I wouldn't say feminine. Refined, maybe.

-Dainty. Dainty, wouldn't you say?

-Yes. Dainty.

Thanks, Sharna. That'll be all. Hmmm.

Right, so how do I build up my hands?

Well, it's funny you should ask.

A rep came by this morning and introduced me to this stuff.

Fizzy Mac sports drink.

-Apparently it helps build muscle mass and reduces healing time by 50%!

-Wow!

Golfers who take it are adding another 20 metres to their drive.

Really?

There you go.

You can get it at any pharmacy or selected health and nutrition store.

Thanks, mate.

You're welcome.

'Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish is in a coma.

'Lavish was found unconscious earlier today by his manager,

'following a heated press conference.

'Sunday Sun journalist Alex Burchill is wanted for questioning

'in relation to a possible assault.

'And in other news, scientists in California have...'

MOBILE PHONE RINGING

'Hi. You've phoned Alex. Please leave a message.'

Alex!

You are a redhead, aren't you, Alex?

I'm flattered you use the present tense, Janine.

Should you be here?

I'd rather be opening the bowling for Australia

but that dream went to Perth.

Alex. Nice swing.

Yeah. Thanks.

I better make sure I don't get on the wrong side of you.

Yeah, cos I'm really scary(!)

Hey, Alex. Way to wallop a cheating golf pro.

Yeah! What?!

'Alex Burchill.'

'Alex was beginning to get the vague sensation

'that something was not quite right.'

What's up?

Mate, whatever happens, the Sunday Sun is right behind you 101%.

Great!

We've got a team of lawyers at your disposal. We'll argue self-defence.

What?!

If this paper were in trouble, which it's not,

this story would really dig us out of the hole, which we're not in.

OK.

So we'll splash on your first-person account

and follow it up every week for as long as he's in a coma...

Hang on. Who's in a coma?

What do you mean?

Who's in a coma?

You honestly don't know?

No.

'Doctors say it's too early to tell when or even if the 38-year-old

'champion is likely to regain consciousness.'

Us against them, mate.

'And ABC News has just obtained security footage of the attack.

'which is also in the hands of police investigating the matter.'

Oh, my God!

Gee! Aw! Hadn't actually seen that. You king-hit him!

I thought it was just an old-fashioned push and shove.

No, It was an accident. I was showing him my swing.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Then you just walk away.

Ooh! That's callous.

Alex Burchill?

Watch the hand, mate. Oi! Careful!

Argh!

Hi. I'm Gary Duffy from Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.

Did you know that nine out of ten men

and four out of ten females will face hair loss

at some point in their lives?

That's a lot of men and females.

Male baldness is also known as androgenetic alopecia,

which is Latin.

Female baldness is very complex,

but it doesn't appear to have a Latin name, which is funny.

But what isn't funny is baldness.

Hi-Tech Hair Solutions... before it's too late.

And also during and after it's too late.

PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Hey, mate. It's me.

Oh, hello.

Look, I thought I'd better let you know that I'm actually in the nick,

so I won't be home for dinner.

All right then. See ya.

What?!

Was there something else?

No, I thought that'd probably be enough.

Righto. See ya then.

Hang on!

-What?

-Bail's set at 5,000, in case you're interested.

Oh, so you want to talk to me now?

-Yeah.

-Well, I dunno if I can be arsed talking to you.

Maybe I should've let your call go through to the keeper,

like some other individuals are in the habit of doing.

Mate, I was trying not to use my phone

cos there's a very real possibility it's giving me a brain tumour.

Plus, I thought I'd see you at the office.

I just don't know if I know you any more.

You know me. Seriously, buddy, you've got to stop being so needy.

Righto, then.

So do you reckon you could bail me out?

I don't think so. I'm with a couple of mates, actually.

What about a character reference?

-Do you still maintain it was a practice swing?

-It WAS a practice swing.

Yeah. I'm afraid a character reference is out of the question.

You do know you're my one phone call?

Am I? That's a shame.

Hung up.

Is there a bathroom around here?

I wouldn't wake him if I was you.

LOUD SNORING

You've got a visitor. >

Hey, mate.

Hey, man.

Do you know how long it took me to get here?

-20...

-17 and a half minutes.

From Elsternwick! 17 and a half.

How long you going to be here? I reckon by this time next week, I could have that down to 14.

That's great, mate.

Hey, look, um... I thought I should warn you.

Don't let them give you a urine test.

OK. Why not?

Well, remember that Fizzy Mac sports drink you had?

Yeah.

Turns out it contains anabolic steroids.

Been found in some people to cause violent outbursts.

The boss is very sorry he could not be here in person.

That's fine.

He has nevertheless organised a live chat via this mobile phone.

-Alex!

-Boss.

The lawyers have looked at your case.

If you plead guilty, you're looking at five to seven.

If Lavish dies, God forbid, then you can add another ten years onto that.

It was an accident. When Lavish comes to, he'll back me up!

Hey! How about you write a series on life in the big house?

We'll put it on three, every week. "Alex Burchill's Prison Diaries".

All the details - the exercise yard, the violence, being someone's bitch.

The readers will lap it up!

What about bail?

Don't worry about that. The paper will cover it. How much is it?

5,000.

-HE WHISTLES

-It's not that bad in there, is it?

I just can't believe that you're here!

As if you'd deliberately hurt anyone!

I mean, look at that sweet face, and those delicate hands.

I was just showing him my swing. Any news?

He's still in a coma.

It's just so good to see you.

It's been one long conga line of clowns.

Is there anything I can do to help?

What makes people regain consciousness?

Maybe there's an acupressure point.

There's sure to be.

Bob got rid of my headache this morning by rubbing my hand just here.

Leave it to me.

-OK.

-Oh!

A friend of mine gave me this.

It tells new inmates how to avoid... you know.

Really?

Being sodomised.

-But it's just the local lock-up!

-Look after yourself, OK?

I'll see what I can do about Lavish.

Thank you.

'Never sit down to urinate.

'It's a signal that you want to play the girl.

'Another sign that you are happy to take one for the team

'is a vertical pillow.

'But most importantly, to avoid anal penetration, you must...'

-Oi!

-Hey. Hey.

-Alex Burchill.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. I read your column every week.

-Oh, thanks.

Mark. Everyone calls me Cracker, cos I cracked a bloke's skull open once.

Hey, really impressed with that AC/DC story of yours.

Thank you.

Yeah. You know, if I had a criticism, it'd just be it was a little Angus-heavy.

Angus can play guitar one-handed.

Yeah. And then I'm not quite sure about the wisdom of leading in with

that anecdote about Bon sticking up for Angus in a bar fight.

But Angus had just got new teeth.

Yeah, see, you should've led with the story where

they refuse to play at the opening of the Olympic Games.

That's just another story about AC/DC being contrary.

Then you trivialise the article by talking about Angus drinking milkshakes?!

I mean, you're underestimating the intelligence of your readership.

The number one requirement when writing for a mass-circulation newspaper

is you've got to keep your finger on the pulse.

MACHINES BEEPING

I mean, I feel sometimes you talk down to your reader a bit.

I mean, we are interested in things other than who is and who isn't bleaching their arsehole.

'Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish made a miraculous recovery.'

'Lavish was questioned by police.'

'Police today dropped charges against Sunday Sun journalist Alex Burchill...'

Hello?

Bob?

Hey! Surprise!

Hey!

-Welcome home. Welcome!

-Aw!

Look, I just want to really thank you for standing by me in my hour of need.

No worries, mate. You're welcome.

Whereas some people didn't feel the need to visit me.

Some people understand that a principle had been breached.

Right, so some people are still pissed off

because they think a certain person took an air swing

when it was clearly a practice swing.

Yes, some people could clearly discern an intent to hit the ball.

If some people say they took a practice swing,

then why can't other people just take their word for it?

Just to be clear, are any of these people in this room?

Some people have a code of ethics.

Some people feel that a friendship is more important than a code of ethics.

Some people don't put other people in a position where

they have to choose between the two.

-It's actually a really good point, babe.

-Mmm.

OK.

A certain person is willing to concede one stroke

for the sake of the friendship.

One stroke?

It's a concession, not a confession.

So you won by 55 strokes and not 56?

Agreed.

'This concession by Alex showed great strength of character,

'as he had maintained his position on the practice swing for so long,

'he'd actually come to believe it.'

Just letting you guys know...

there's a little drug-testing booth on the next tee.

Drug-testing?

Yeah. Steroids, stuff like that. It's nothing for you to worry about.

Golf Australia's just going nuts with the "keeping it clean" thing.

Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd