A Lavish Swinger Lowdown


A Lavish Swinger

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-Sharna's comedian boyfriend broke up with her.

-Want to fool around?

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Go.

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You must be stronger than I thought.

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First she'll be taking her face off.

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Your name?

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Peter Helliar?

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'Burchill lines up the shot.

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'Ooh! Oops!

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'Burchill fires away with a three-wood.

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'Stunning! And a great hand for this sensational Australian player.'

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Mate! Mike Lavish couldn't have done it better.

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Thanks, mate. I'm actually playing in the celebrity pro-am on Sunday.

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Oh, how did you get into that?

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-You know.

-Amazing.

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'Geraghty steps up to the tee.

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'Well, he'll be disappointed with that.'

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-I'm disappointed with that.

-'Yes, I thought he would be.'

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Ah, here we go, mate.

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Thanks, buddy.

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'Geraghty's selected a five-iron for this shot out of the rough.'

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MOBILE RINGS

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Hello?

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-What do you think of Holly?

-I don't know. Who is she?

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I'm thinking of changing my name.

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Rita, you can't keep calling me up all the time on these little whims!

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I mean, what happens when I start seeing someone else? SHE GUFFAWS

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Aw! What about Lucia? I quite like Lucia too.

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Wouldn't it be a bit of a hassle?

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Yeah, I guess so. Maybe I'll just stick with Rita.

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-You done?

-Yeah. Sorry, mate. You go.

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'And that's a marvellous stroke from Gera... Oh, bad luck.'

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-It was Rita.

-No shit.

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Thought it might have been urgent.

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So you turn your phone off when it's your shot.

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Mate, no offence. My phone ringing is the least of your problems. And this is for a birdie.

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You mean a par.

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No, I drove onto the green and this is my second shot.

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So you're not counting the air swing?

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What air swing?

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-On the tee.

-That was a practice shot.

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There was intent to hit the ball. And where there's intent...

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There was no intent. It was a practice shot.

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So you didn't try to hit the ball?

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-Is this about me having my phone on?

-No. It's whether I can trust you.

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It would be impossible for a golfer of my calibre to take an air swing.

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You said it yourself. Lavish couldn't have done it better.

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Would he ever miss the ball? No. He would never miss the ball.

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He missed the ball.

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-This is the Australian Masters?

-Yep.

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-How many strokes did he win by?

-One.

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Oh, mate.

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No, you've done the right thing.

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# The wintergreen, the juniper

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# The cornflower and the chicory

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# Well, all of the words you said to me

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# Are still vibrating in the air

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# The elm, the ash and the linden tree

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# The dark and deep enchanted sea

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# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled

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# Well, there she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes, my beautiful world

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# There she goes again. #

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'Like many ailing newspapers,

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'The Sunday Sun sub-let part of its office space to a private business.'

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Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Gary Duffy.

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How are you? Gary Duffy. Hi.

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Well, that's the hair.

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Gary Duffy. How are you?

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'Hi-Tech Hair Solutions was a rapidly growing company

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'that had developed a breakthrough technology for making hair appear on bald heads.

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'Otherwise known as a wig.'

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-Janine Burton.

-Hello, Janine.

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What's going on?

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(When we got in, the desks were like this and Gary was moving in.)

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-Gary, eh?

-(We met in the lift.)

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-(You don't think the paper's in trouble?)

-No, the boss would've told us if it were.

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Hi, mate. I thought your article on AC/DC was really nicely written.

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-Thanks, mate.

-However, I did feel that you focused a bit too much on Malcolm,

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when Angus is clearly the star.

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-I mean, you do know that Angus can play guitar one-handed?

-Right.

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Gary Duffy. How are you?

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Alex Burchill. Good.

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Hey, Alex. Did you really play golf this morning?

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Yeah.

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Seriously or ironically?

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Seriously.

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Oh, right.

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-INTERCOM:

-Alex Burchill.

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KNOCK ON DOOR Boss?

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I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine. Paul Mountfoot.

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-Mountfoot? Mike Lavish's caddie?

-Former caddie.

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What's he like? I'm a huge fan.

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Oh, you'll love this, then. Come around.

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Why would I love that?

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Sshh.

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-So that's three, Mr Lavish.

-Two.

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So you're not counting the air swing?!

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What air swing? That was a practice shot.

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-Technically, Mr Lavish, the intent was there to hit it, and where there's intent...

-Put a two.

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Lavish won the Masters by one stroke. So it's big.

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There's a press conference to launch the Mike Lavish Golf game and you're going to be there.

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What happened to caddie loyalty?

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He contravened the rules as laid down by the Royal And Ancient Golf Club Of St Andrews.

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-He addressed the ball and swung with intent to strike.

-We'll make copies of the tape.

-Is it that big a deal?

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It's huge! Do you know how many golfers buy newspapers?

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-No.

-Well, I don't either. But I bet there's a few.

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'22,321 in the greater Melbourne metropolitan area alone.'

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So glad you're here. Come on, sweetheart! I know you're a big fan.

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Actually, I'm fine.

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Sorry, I'm on these egg-stimulating hormones.

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I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.

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Have you found a suitable donor?

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No. But I've found hair in the most amazing places!

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Wow.

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-You coming to the range afterwards?

-No.

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Yeah. Lavish is taking a few of us down to the driving range

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to give us some pointers. Where necessary.

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Good to see you keep a professional distance from your subject.

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Oh, mate, you've got to lighten up.

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You'll be old before your time.

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APPLAUSE

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Just want to introduce Mike Lavish,

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winner of the 2010 Australian Masters.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thanks very much for coming.

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We've taken some time to get this little game right.

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And we think we've got a real winner.

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So if you like golf, you'll love Mike Lavish Golf.

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And might I add, it's nice to be able to say that

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I've finally done something that impresses my kids.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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We'll open it up for some questions.

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I've got a question for Mr Lavish.

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Would you mind talking us through the air swing

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you took on the 16th hole during the final day of the Masters?

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-What are you talking about?

-He doesn't know what you're talking about.

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In the scrub on the 16th hole, you went to hit the ball but you missed.

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That was a practice swing, mate. Any other questions?

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-You know the swing I'm referring to?

-Mate, you're making an idiot of yourself.

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-Public idiot of yourself.

-If you counted the air swing, it would've gone to a play-off.

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-You're calling me a cheat?

-I'm just asking if you recall the incident.

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He's answered the question, Alex. Right, anyone else?

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If you need a reminder, I've got the footage on my mobile.

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Get out!

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-HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK:

-What the hell d'you think you're trying to do?!

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God!

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'Alex suddenly got an unwelcome and vivid image

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'of Hope van der Boom's errant tufts of hair.'

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-That was an ironic turn of events.

-Just for the record, I don't believe it was an air swing.

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Well, you wouldn't, would ya?

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Headache?

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Everyone just keeps ringing me on my mobile.

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I'm worried it might be a tumour.

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I still maintain there are serious doubts over your integrity,

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but I'm willing to put it aside for the moment. Give me your hand.

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-What? Why?

-Just give me your hand.

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You have such delicate hands.

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-OK, that's enough, mate.

-Wait!

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Ow!

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How's your head?

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Actually, much better.

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-It's the Chinese acupressure point for pain.

-That's amazing.

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I got to get going. Got an appointment with Gary

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at Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.

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Appointment for what?

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I think I might be going bald.

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Mate, take it from me. You're not going bald.

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Gary said up to 97% of men face hair loss at some point in their lives.

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But if I act now, there might be time to save it.

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-That's because you're not going bald.

-And I don't intend to.

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I'd give you a lift but there's still a little matter

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of a confession I'm waiting for.

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-I don't even want a lift. Good cos you're not getting one.

-Good(!)

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I'm so sorry, Mr Lavish. I personally never believed it was an air swing.

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When you write for the Sunday Sun,

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sometimes you have to ask questions you don't want to ask.

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My caddie give you that footage, did he?

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I'm sorry. There's no way I can reveal my sources.

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-Skinny guy, neatly dressed? Mousy-brown mop top?

-Yes.

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He was a greenskeeper at Beechworth on 300 a week when I hired him.

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I've taken him all over the world.

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Where's the gratitude?

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-You need to trust your caddie.

-There's a code. You don't break the code.

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Exactly. Why doesn't somebody write about THAT?

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They're going to. Check out Sunday's paper.

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You play a bit of golf, do you?

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Oh, just some amateur stuff.

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-Although I'm thinking of taking the PGA test.

-Are you?

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-Show us your swing.

-Really?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, look, there's a problem with your stance. Here, spin around.

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So it's all about your set-up. Keep that toe in a fraction.

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That toe out a bit. There you go. Bend at the hips.

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Nice, easy swing.

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-Feel the difference?

-Yeah!

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You need to drag your toe back when you come back with...

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Ow! Jeez, that...

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-You all right?

-Yeah.

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That really hurt. I'm going to go get that checked out.

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'Meanwhile, Sharna was still dealing with

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'the break-up of her relationship.

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'But as her mum used to say, "There's no tragedy so great

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'"that a bit of lippie and a new hairdo can't fix it."'

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You look nice.

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Thanks!

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James back yet?

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He shouldn't be long. Did you hurt your hand?

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Mmm. Need to make sure I'm OK for the celebrity pro-am.

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Cos I'm playing in it.

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OK.

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-HE EXHALES:

-G'day, mate!

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Just whip these off and I'll be with you in a tick, all right?

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Hmm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

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Are you sure you don't want to get changed?

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No, I'm all right. I know you're always in a hurry.

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There's definitely some bruising.

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Looks like you came into contact with something hard.

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That's brilliant, mate.

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You have very delicate hands. Don't go punching people with these.

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They're not made for fighting.

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These hands, these hands are made for typing. Sharna?

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All right, so you think I'll be OK for the pro-am?

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Mmm, I'd be looking at building up some strength first, if I were you.

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Sharna, come and have a look at Alex's hands.

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They're like girls' hands! See?

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Oh, they're very feminine!

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Yeah. I wouldn't say feminine. Refined, maybe.

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-Dainty. Dainty, wouldn't you say?

-Yes. Dainty.

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Thanks, Sharna. That'll be all. Hmmm.

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Right, so how do I build up my hands?

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Well, it's funny you should ask.

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A rep came by this morning and introduced me to this stuff.

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Fizzy Mac sports drink.

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-Apparently it helps build muscle mass and reduces healing time by 50%!

-Wow!

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Golfers who take it are adding another 20 metres to their drive.

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Really?

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There you go.

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You can get it at any pharmacy or selected health and nutrition store.

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Thanks, mate.

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You're welcome.

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'Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish is in a coma.

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'Lavish was found unconscious earlier today by his manager,

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'following a heated press conference.

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'Sunday Sun journalist Alex Burchill is wanted for questioning

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'in relation to a possible assault.

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'And in other news, scientists in California have...'

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MOBILE PHONE RINGING

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'Hi. You've phoned Alex. Please leave a message.'

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Alex!

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You are a redhead, aren't you, Alex?

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I'm flattered you use the present tense, Janine.

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Should you be here?

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I'd rather be opening the bowling for Australia

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but that dream went to Perth.

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Alex. Nice swing.

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Yeah. Thanks.

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I better make sure I don't get on the wrong side of you.

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Yeah, cos I'm really scary(!)

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Hey, Alex. Way to wallop a cheating golf pro.

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Yeah! What?!

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'Alex Burchill.'

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'Alex was beginning to get the vague sensation

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'that something was not quite right.'

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What's up?

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Mate, whatever happens, the Sunday Sun is right behind you 101%.

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Great!

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We've got a team of lawyers at your disposal. We'll argue self-defence.

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What?!

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If this paper were in trouble, which it's not,

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this story would really dig us out of the hole, which we're not in.

0:15:230:15:26

OK.

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So we'll splash on your first-person account

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and follow it up every week for as long as he's in a coma...

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Hang on. Who's in a coma?

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What do you mean?

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Who's in a coma?

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You honestly don't know?

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No.

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'Doctors say it's too early to tell when or even if the 38-year-old

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'champion is likely to regain consciousness.'

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Us against them, mate.

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'And ABC News has just obtained security footage of the attack.

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'which is also in the hands of police investigating the matter.'

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Oh, my God!

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Gee! Aw! Hadn't actually seen that. You king-hit him!

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I thought it was just an old-fashioned push and shove.

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No, It was an accident. I was showing him my swing.

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Oh, dear, oh, dear. Then you just walk away.

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Ooh! That's callous.

0:16:140:16:16

Alex Burchill?

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Watch the hand, mate. Oi! Careful!

0:16:210:16:22

Argh!

0:16:220:16:24

Hi. I'm Gary Duffy from Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.

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Did you know that nine out of ten men

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and four out of ten females will face hair loss

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at some point in their lives?

0:16:470:16:49

That's a lot of men and females.

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Male baldness is also known as androgenetic alopecia,

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which is Latin.

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Female baldness is very complex,

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but it doesn't appear to have a Latin name, which is funny.

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But what isn't funny is baldness.

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Hi-Tech Hair Solutions... before it's too late.

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And also during and after it's too late.

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PHONE RINGING

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Hello?

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Hey, mate. It's me.

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Oh, hello.

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Look, I thought I'd better let you know that I'm actually in the nick,

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so I won't be home for dinner.

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All right then. See ya.

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What?!

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Was there something else?

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No, I thought that'd probably be enough.

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Righto. See ya then.

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Hang on!

0:17:330:17:34

-What?

-Bail's set at 5,000, in case you're interested.

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Oh, so you want to talk to me now?

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-Yeah.

-Well, I dunno if I can be arsed talking to you.

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Maybe I should've let your call go through to the keeper,

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like some other individuals are in the habit of doing.

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Mate, I was trying not to use my phone

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cos there's a very real possibility it's giving me a brain tumour.

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Plus, I thought I'd see you at the office.

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I just don't know if I know you any more.

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You know me. Seriously, buddy, you've got to stop being so needy.

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Righto, then.

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So do you reckon you could bail me out?

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I don't think so. I'm with a couple of mates, actually.

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What about a character reference?

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-Do you still maintain it was a practice swing?

-It WAS a practice swing.

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Yeah. I'm afraid a character reference is out of the question.

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You do know you're my one phone call?

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Am I? That's a shame.

0:18:160:18:18

Hung up.

0:18:200:18:21

Is there a bathroom around here?

0:18:310:18:34

I wouldn't wake him if I was you.

0:18:370:18:40

LOUD SNORING

0:18:460:18:48

You've got a visitor. >

0:18:550:18:57

Hey, mate.

0:18:570:18:58

Hey, man.

0:18:580:18:59

Do you know how long it took me to get here?

0:18:590:19:02

-20...

-17 and a half minutes.

0:19:020:19:04

From Elsternwick! 17 and a half.

0:19:040:19:06

How long you going to be here? I reckon by this time next week, I could have that down to 14.

0:19:060:19:10

That's great, mate.

0:19:100:19:12

Hey, look, um... I thought I should warn you.

0:19:120:19:16

Don't let them give you a urine test.

0:19:160:19:18

OK. Why not?

0:19:190:19:21

Well, remember that Fizzy Mac sports drink you had?

0:19:210:19:24

Yeah.

0:19:240:19:26

Turns out it contains anabolic steroids.

0:19:260:19:29

Been found in some people to cause violent outbursts.

0:19:290:19:33

The boss is very sorry he could not be here in person.

0:19:350:19:38

That's fine.

0:19:380:19:39

He has nevertheless organised a live chat via this mobile phone.

0:19:390:19:43

-Alex!

-Boss.

0:19:430:19:45

The lawyers have looked at your case.

0:19:450:19:46

If you plead guilty, you're looking at five to seven.

0:19:460:19:49

If Lavish dies, God forbid, then you can add another ten years onto that.

0:19:490:19:54

It was an accident. When Lavish comes to, he'll back me up!

0:19:540:19:56

Hey! How about you write a series on life in the big house?

0:19:560:19:59

We'll put it on three, every week. "Alex Burchill's Prison Diaries".

0:19:590:20:04

All the details - the exercise yard, the violence, being someone's bitch.

0:20:040:20:07

The readers will lap it up!

0:20:070:20:08

What about bail?

0:20:080:20:09

Don't worry about that. The paper will cover it. How much is it?

0:20:090:20:12

5,000.

0:20:120:20:14

-HE WHISTLES

-It's not that bad in there, is it?

0:20:140:20:16

I just can't believe that you're here!

0:20:160:20:19

As if you'd deliberately hurt anyone!

0:20:190:20:22

I mean, look at that sweet face, and those delicate hands.

0:20:220:20:25

I was just showing him my swing. Any news?

0:20:250:20:30

He's still in a coma.

0:20:300:20:31

It's just so good to see you.

0:20:310:20:33

It's been one long conga line of clowns.

0:20:330:20:36

Is there anything I can do to help?

0:20:360:20:38

What makes people regain consciousness?

0:20:380:20:40

Maybe there's an acupressure point.

0:20:400:20:42

There's sure to be.

0:20:420:20:43

Bob got rid of my headache this morning by rubbing my hand just here.

0:20:430:20:47

Leave it to me.

0:20:470:20:48

-OK.

-Oh!

0:20:480:20:50

A friend of mine gave me this.

0:20:540:20:56

It tells new inmates how to avoid... you know.

0:20:560:20:59

Really?

0:20:590:21:00

Being sodomised.

0:21:000:21:02

-But it's just the local lock-up!

-Look after yourself, OK?

0:21:020:21:05

I'll see what I can do about Lavish.

0:21:050:21:08

Thank you.

0:21:080:21:09

'Never sit down to urinate.

0:21:210:21:23

'It's a signal that you want to play the girl.

0:21:230:21:25

'Another sign that you are happy to take one for the team

0:21:250:21:29

'is a vertical pillow.

0:21:290:21:31

'But most importantly, to avoid anal penetration, you must...'

0:21:320:21:38

-Oi!

-Hey. Hey.

0:21:380:21:40

-Alex Burchill.

-Yeah.

0:21:410:21:43

-Yeah. I read your column every week.

-Oh, thanks.

0:21:430:21:46

Mark. Everyone calls me Cracker, cos I cracked a bloke's skull open once.

0:21:460:21:51

Hey, really impressed with that AC/DC story of yours.

0:21:510:21:54

Thank you.

0:21:540:21:55

Yeah. You know, if I had a criticism, it'd just be it was a little Angus-heavy.

0:21:550:21:59

Angus can play guitar one-handed.

0:21:590:22:02

Yeah. And then I'm not quite sure about the wisdom of leading in with

0:22:020:22:06

that anecdote about Bon sticking up for Angus in a bar fight.

0:22:060:22:09

But Angus had just got new teeth.

0:22:090:22:11

Yeah, see, you should've led with the story where

0:22:110:22:13

they refuse to play at the opening of the Olympic Games.

0:22:130:22:16

That's just another story about AC/DC being contrary.

0:22:160:22:19

Then you trivialise the article by talking about Angus drinking milkshakes?!

0:22:190:22:23

I mean, you're underestimating the intelligence of your readership.

0:22:230:22:27

The number one requirement when writing for a mass-circulation newspaper

0:22:270:22:31

is you've got to keep your finger on the pulse.

0:22:310:22:35

MACHINES BEEPING

0:22:380:22:41

I mean, I feel sometimes you talk down to your reader a bit.

0:22:570:23:01

I mean, we are interested in things other than who is and who isn't bleaching their arsehole.

0:23:010:23:06

'Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish made a miraculous recovery.'

0:24:040:24:08

'Lavish was questioned by police.'

0:24:080:24:10

'Police today dropped charges against Sunday Sun journalist Alex Burchill...'

0:24:100:24:14

Hello?

0:24:140:24:15

Bob?

0:24:200:24:22

Hey! Surprise!

0:24:230:24:26

Hey!

0:24:260:24:27

-Welcome home. Welcome!

-Aw!

0:24:270:24:29

Look, I just want to really thank you for standing by me in my hour of need.

0:24:290:24:34

No worries, mate. You're welcome.

0:24:340:24:36

Whereas some people didn't feel the need to visit me.

0:24:360:24:40

Some people understand that a principle had been breached.

0:24:400:24:43

Right, so some people are still pissed off

0:24:430:24:46

because they think a certain person took an air swing

0:24:460:24:48

when it was clearly a practice swing.

0:24:480:24:50

Yes, some people could clearly discern an intent to hit the ball.

0:24:500:24:54

If some people say they took a practice swing,

0:24:540:24:56

then why can't other people just take their word for it?

0:24:560:24:59

Just to be clear, are any of these people in this room?

0:24:590:25:02

Some people have a code of ethics.

0:25:020:25:05

Some people feel that a friendship is more important than a code of ethics.

0:25:050:25:09

Some people don't put other people in a position where

0:25:090:25:11

they have to choose between the two.

0:25:110:25:13

-It's actually a really good point, babe.

-Mmm.

0:25:130:25:16

OK.

0:25:170:25:19

A certain person is willing to concede one stroke

0:25:190:25:21

for the sake of the friendship.

0:25:210:25:23

One stroke?

0:25:240:25:26

It's a concession, not a confession.

0:25:260:25:28

So you won by 55 strokes and not 56?

0:25:280:25:32

Agreed.

0:25:320:25:34

'This concession by Alex showed great strength of character,

0:25:370:25:41

'as he had maintained his position on the practice swing for so long,

0:25:410:25:45

'he'd actually come to believe it.'

0:25:450:25:47

Just letting you guys know...

0:26:020:26:04

there's a little drug-testing booth on the next tee.

0:26:040:26:07

Drug-testing?

0:26:070:26:08

Yeah. Steroids, stuff like that. It's nothing for you to worry about.

0:26:080:26:12

Golf Australia's just going nuts with the "keeping it clean" thing.

0:26:120:26:16

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0:26:480:26:51

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