Who's Your Baddy? Lowdown

This programme contains some strong language

Gary Duffy, how are you?

If this paper were in trouble, which it's not,

this story would really dig us out of a hole.

-I love you, mate.

-I love you too, mate.

After a series of complaints,

the courts ordered the man in the flat above Alex

to urinate on the side of the toilet bowl instead of directly into it.

As a result, Alex had just enjoyed his first night

of uninterrupted sleep in months.

'Hello?'

Mate. I thought you should know, it is stunning down here.

'I have no doubt about that.'

You should come down.

No, I don't think so, mate.

Why not?

I just need a bit of me time.

Me time?

You're the one who said I should be more independent.

A self-actualised human being doesn't need to be alone to be independent.

What about if I want to walk around the house naked?

You're not naked now, are you?

No.

Just don't sit on anything.

Yeah, all right!

Jesus!

What's happened?

I'll call you back.

# The wintergreen, the juniper

# The cornflower and the chicory

# All the words you said to me

# Are still vibrating in the air

# The elm, the ash And the linden tree

# The dark and deep enchanted sea

# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled

# Well there she goes My beautiful world

# There she goes my beautiful world

# There she goes my beautiful world

# There she goes my beautiful world

-# There she goes again.

-#

KNOCK AT DOOR

ALARM RINGS

Just press the button on the wall.

What's going on?

Can't be too careful. I'm not the most loved person in the building.

No, I guess not.

Why, what are they saying?

-Nothing.

-Why did you agree with me, then?

I wasn't thinking.

Got a splash for me?

I found a dead body this morning.

That's the best news I've heard all week!

I was jogging by the Yarra. Do you want to see the picture?

-Bob's?

-No, I used my phone.

Lo-fi, better. More real.

Yeah. I'll send it to Timmy, see how it blows up.

I've never seen a dead body before.

I thought you were with your dad when he died.

I got there and the nurses said he had half an hour to go.

I couldn't be away from the paper that long.

Police are thinking gangland hit, possibly Tony Marino.

Great! Anyone else got it?

-Just us!

-Thank God it's Saturday!

Finally we get to beat the dailies!

I know!

You were jogging, right? I'm thinking "The Quick And The Dead."

-"Dead In The Water."

-"Dead Man Floating."

"I See Dead People."

I'm Salieri to your Mozart, even if it kills me to admit it.

Thanks, boss.

The editor secretly didn't like Mozart.

It wasn't the music, it was more a pre-emptive thing.

If they'd ever have met, he didn't think Mozart would've liked him.

This guy was 35. There's not many people my age that die.

And my age.

It happens to everyone.

Yeah, but when you are really old. You've done everything you wanted to.

And you don't mind dying.

Show me your hand.

Well, you've got a long lifeline, so there's nothing to worry about.

Show me your right?

-Oh.

-What?

There's a break in your lifeline.

What does that mean? It's not broken in my left hand.

Yeah, but your left hand is what you're born with,

your right is what you make of it.

So I've done something to bring about my premature death?

I guess so.

Don't worry, my lifeline just stops in the middle of my hand.

What are you cooking anyway?

I'm not cooking, I'm burning your clothes.

-What?!

-It's just your gym clothes. They stank.

I reckon I could smell that dead body on it.

They were brand-new!

-Hey, another 35-year-old died.

-Who died?

Zac Proctor. One of the Life In A Bubble housemates.

"35-year-old reality star died today after suffering a severe

"anaphylactic reaction to a peanut."

These things always happen in threes.

What things?

Deaths, mate, they come in threes.

I wouldn't want to be 35 right now.

How old am I when my lifeline breaks?

I don't know, it's not an exact science!

Mate, you can't be scared of death all your life.

When it eventually comes, you should accept it not as an end,

but as a beginning, like a threshold into a new dimension.

There were only three things Alex was scared off.

Death, pain and Bob getting in touch with his spiritual side.

Are you following me?

The boss wants to see you.

What boss?

Ring any bells?

The peanut guy?

No, not the peanut guy, above that.

That's just my article on the dead body.

In which you mention Mr Tony Marino.

Only in passing - I didn't say he had anything to do with the murder.

You talk about it being a gang hit, then you say, and I quote...

"Meanwhile, gangland leader Tony Marino is still at large."

Look, the subs must have done that. We can call him and I can apologise.

It's not going to be that easy.

He wants to meet with you. Eyeball to eyeball.

Then you're going to write another article to set the record straight.

I'll have to bring my photographer.

Be back here in 20 minutes.

I thought I'd bring my lucky TARDIS.

This is what you wear to meet underworld royalty, is it?

It's my washing day.

The thing about the peanut guy was he'd never had an allergic reaction before.

Amazing.

Then one day, has a peanut - bang.

He's alive, eating a peanut.

Then nothingness.

Makes you think.

Yeah.

A mate of a mate's girlfriend had a nut allergy,

goes to an Indian restaurant, dips a bit of roti into the lamb curry,

eats that roti, dead within minutes.

-Bullshit!

-No bullshit.

Peanuts in the curry.

-You know Michelle Baxter?

-Yeah.

Her cousin went into an anaphylactic shock after kissing her boyfriend,

who'd eaten a peanut butter sandwich nine hours before!

-Bullshit!

-No bullshit.

A mate of mine's mate, allergic to nuts,

goes to one of these restaurants

where you've got to go through the kitchen to get to the gents,

so he's walking through the kitchen...

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

Unbeknownst to him, inhales nut fragments,

collapses, dies on the way to the hospital.

-Bullshit!

-Bullshit!

-No bullshit.

Better warn you, when you meet Tony, do not mention his hair.

It's not what it used to be.

Do you have a sense of where we might be?

I reckon it was about a 20-minute drive.

North? Would you say north?

Either that or south.

I reckon it was north-west because I was in the driver's side,

and the sun was hitting me on the right-hand side of the forehead.

It was about 10 o'clock, so I reckon... Yeah, north-west.

Strange. Cos I thought I could feel the sun too

and I was on the passenger side,

which would mean we were heading north-east.

Or possibly south-west.

That doesn't make sense, mate.

-CHICAGO ACCENT:

-You come to me and you say, "Don Corleone, that doesn't make sense,

"but you don't say it with respect.

"You don't even think to call me Godfather."

-That is very good.

-Not as good as your Tony Greig.

IMPERSONATES TONY GREIG: It's a pretty hard impersonation to do,

but I feel I'm starting to crack it.

You do realise one of us is going to die today, don't you?

Rule of three, mate.

-Mr Marino.

-Please, sit down.

I'm Alex and this is our photographer, Bob.

And this is Micky, hmmm.

I don't want to tell you how to do your job, boys,

but maybe later on you can get a photo of us together for your article.

That's a great idea. Bob?

Excellent idea.

You like chocolate?

Thanks.

You brought great pain to me, Alex.

You make me out to be a murderer.

That was certainly not my intention.

It just said, "Meanwhile, in other gang-related news,

"Tony Marino is still at large," which you are.

It's the phrase "at large" I have a problem with.

It implies I should be in jail.

No, in journalism, when we say an editor's at large,

it just means he's not in his office.

But I'm not an editor, am I?

That's a really good point.

You've got to understand, I didn't do the things I've been accused of.

That would be three counts of trafficking and two counts of murder?

If you're not guilty, why don't you just face the judicial system?

How can I get a fair trial?

When you've already found me guilty?

Not at all.

These chocolate peanuts are very nice.

They're Belgian. We've got a supply.

Alex.

We can forget about the whole thing.

You write a story that shows me as I am -

a legitimate businessman... and dog lover.

But I'm going to have to ask you the tough questions

or we're both going to look bad.

Anything you want.

Are you OK?

OK, did you have anything to do with the murder of Ricardo Stone,

whose body was found by the Yarra...

WHEEZING

..last Saturday...morning?

No.

-Mate, do you want a glass of water or something?

-Next question.

Have you ever been involved in... (WHEEZES) ..drug trafficking?

No.

Then how did you get your reputation as a...

WHEEZING AND COUGHING

As a...

Doctor.

Doctor!

WHEEZING

WHEEZING

Are you all right?

HE FALLS

Dr James!

-It's Alex.

-Bloody hell. Jesus.

All right. Hang in there, buddy.

All right, Alex. I need you to tell me what happened.

P... P...

Pain? Are you in pain, mate?

P... P...

P... P... Peritonitis?

P... Pe...

You haven't done something to your penis again?

Peanut.

Alex. Alex!

BELL RINGS

Just press the button on the wall.

-What's with the alarm?

-Can't be too careful.

I'm not exactly the most loved person in the universe.

-No, I guess not.

-Why? What are they saying about me?

-Nothing.

-Why did you agree with me, then?

-I wasn't thinking.

-Welcome to Paradise, Alex.

-Right.

So is that it? I'll never open the bowling for Australia?

Nor will you play centre half-forward for Carlton.

But there's so much more I wanted to write.

-No, actually, you wrote enough.

-I wanted to write...

-In fact, you probably wrote too much.

OK, so what happens now?

Well, you can become an angel, fly around guarding people.

Oh, yeah?

Or you can be reincarnated.

-Do I get to pick who I can be?

-No.

-Or you can hang out with me for eternity.

-Right.

What was the first one again?

-Alex, I can see you're not ready for eternal happiness.

-Really?

Ow, that hurt!

Alex. Alex! That's it. Come on, mate.

Hey!

What happened?

Well, you had a psychosomatic anaphylactic reaction to a peanut.

Psychosomatic?

But I still nearly died, right?

-Well, you thought you did.

-No, no, no, no, I did.

And if I'd been a bit more enthusiastic about it,

I'd still be dead.

-It can happen just like that.

-Indeed it can.

I tell you what, from now on,

I want to make the most of every precious moment.

Good for you.

'Alex would spend the next 25 minutes

'trying to make the most of every precious moment.

'Then, failing to find an activity which would sufficiently fill that brief,

'he decided to go back to work.'

'Hi! You've phoned Bob Geraghty of the Sunday Sun.

'Please leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!'

BEEP

-Susan, you haven't seen Bob, have you?

-I thought he was with you.

No, no, we got separated. Either of you guys seen Bob?

-No.

-Janine, has Bob come by?

-No. Have you got those petty cash receipts?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Satish, have you seen Bob?

-No. Our paths rarely cross.

-Oh, sorry.

-No worries. Can you come back in 15?

No, I'm all right.

OK.

'Hi, you've phoned Bob Geraghty of the Sunday Sun. Please...'

-Bob hasn't come back from that Marino job.

-You left him there?

-I had to.

Oh, you must feel like shit.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

BELL RINGS

-How'd you go?

-OK.

-Bob gets some good snaps?

-I don't know, I had to leave early.

-What, you left Bob with him?

Yeah, I'm a bit worried, he's got his phone off and he never has his phone off.

Even when it should be off.

I hope his mouth didn't get him into trouble. Where are they?

I don't know, I was blindfolded.

-Did you agree to the blindfold?

-No, they kind of forced them on us.

-So you were kidnapped?

-Well, we did agree to the interview, so...

This is great!

-Kidnapped! And now they've got Bob.

-I should never have taken him.

So a nice, easy 1,500 words on the whole debacle.

Bob even said, "One of us is going to die."

I'm thinking, "Mob's Got My Bob."

-But why would they take him?

-Mob's Got My Bob it is, then.

I thought you would try to top me, but no. I'm on the way back.

'Alex did not relish the prospect of writing

'a story about his friend's possible abduction.

'Though he did think Mob's Got My Bob had a certain ring to it.'

OK, sergeant, I reckon this is our only chance of finding him.

It's highly irregular.

Just keep going straight ahead.

This is good, I can feel the sun on my forehead.

Do you mind going a bit faster?

You're going too slow and I think it's buggering up my antenna.

OK, bear right.

There's no bearing right, you either have to turn right or go straight ahead.

All right, turn right.

Just keep going.

The sounds and smells are very familiar to me. Very familiar.

-Really?

-Next left.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. OK, I think we're just about here.

Stop. Stop here.

-Shit!

-This the place?

-I think it might be.

Yeah. This is it.

-Recognise this?

-It's Bob's. He's a massive Doctor Who fan.

I think we should alert the public. What was he wearing?

Pale green pants and a faded red T-shirt with a humorous slogan on it.

"I'm with stupid?"

It was his washing day.

Bob?

Hey, mate.

Off break. Off break.

Bowled him!

Burchill's a genius!

THEY GRUNT

Night, Alex.

(Night, mate.)

It has been believed since the 5th century BC,

when Parmenides first observed it,

that nature abhors a vacuum.

And as far as Alex was concerned, he did too.

Right, a married celebrity has just spent the night with Paris Hilton.

They come out to the balcony of their hotel room to have a cigarette.

-Do you photograph them?

-No.

-Why not?

There shouldn't be any surveillance of private activities

in a building without consent of those involved.

But it's a balcony, so technically, it's outside.

Well, technically, but still inside the parameters of the building.

Isn't the fourth estate's job to uncover corruption

-wherever it takes place?

-But where do you draw the line?

Do you want me to stick my camera under a toilet cubicle

to bust Sonny Bill Williams and Candice Falzon going at it?

DOOR KNOCKS

I don't suppose there's any news?

Sorry, mate. How d'you go with the photographers?

Look, they've all got principles.

Oh, dear, it takes a long time to unteach principles.

I just wish I'd never taken Bob on that job.

You can never tell which jobs are going to get you killed.

-You can make an educated guess.

-You CAN make an educated guess, yes.

DOOR KNOCKED SWIFTLY

Hi, I was looking for Alex Burch... There you are!

-I recognise you from your photo byline.

-Hi!

-Sorry I'm late.

Hey, do you guys want to buy this pic I just got?

A food delivery guy, picking up a chicken fillet with bare hands.

-No gloves?

-No.

-Did he give permission?

-Course not.

I attached a hidden camera to the inside of his truck.

Bingo!

Sorry that these aren't the best circumstances to take on a new job.

Don't worry about it. I'm here for you.

I've got to go home and write the most difficult story of my life.

Have you eaten?

Bob used to do the cooking.

Alex's article on Bob

and the Marino gang was the most talked-about story of the year.

The sales spike reprieved the paper from the unthinkable -

a merger with the Sunday Argus, a newspaper where the reporters

wore cufflinks and had share portfolios.

What's more, it had a strong online presence,

which Sunday Sun staffers thought was a bit gay.

Look, I just used what was in the fridge and I've whipped up a herb

marinated chicken with garlic and green peppercorns.

And I hope you don't mind, but I used up the last of the chardonnay, too.

Wow!

Mmm!

It's almost as good as Bob's! That says something because he's a...

WAS a cordon bleu.

Burchill off his long run.

Short length.

Bowled him. Burchill's a genius!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's enough!

Come here!

THEY GRUNT

Night, Alex!

Night, Janet.

This was a time of healing for Alex, as one chapter of his life closed

and a new and exciting one began.

The thing about jogging round here's that sometimes you find the odd dead body.

-Really? How many dead bodies have you seen?

-One. But still.

-That would have been such a shock for you.

-Yeah, I was by myself, too.

Bob was attempting a bit of a spiritual rebirth at the time

-and decided not to come.

-Oh, no.

Just lying there, you know,

like a cold lump of lard.

I read the story.

It was a beautiful depiction.

-Only topped, of course, by what you wrote yesterday.

-Thanks.

I'll never forget him.

I loved him, you know.

Although sometimes he could be a bit selfish.

MUFFLED SHRIEKING

Did you hear that?

-What?

-Some sort of groan?

Mate, one thing you have to know is I get freaked out really easily.

-OK?

-Probably wasn't anything.

MUFFLED MOANING

STRANGLED SPEECH

MUFFLED MOAN

Bob?

Bob!

-Oh, Janet, Bob, Bob, Janet.

-Hi, Bob, I'm Janet.

Massive fan of your work.

MUFFLED THANKS

So good to see you! What the fuck happened?

Well...

It was all going magnificently,

and then I suggested Tony pay a visit to Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.

They specifically said, "Don't mention the hair."

I thought if you look better from the outside,

you'll feel better on the inside.

Anyway, next thing I know, I'm tied up and taken down here.

-They didn't kill you.

-That's the thing.

I did my Don Corleone and the big guy loved it.

-Said he couldn't possibly shoot me.

-Mate, that's an amazing story.

Wait till this comes out!

Though the paper doesn't go to press till Saturday night

so the boss'll want to keep you dead for a few more days.

-Sure.

-You won't want the dailies getting hold of this.

Ten days later, and Janet had got a job at the Argus

while life had returned to normal for Alex and Bob.

-Superb couscous, mate.

-My pleasure.

-TV:

-'When is a dead photographer not dead?

'Apparently, when he works for the Sunday Sun.'

Sunday Sun editor Howard Evans

recently carved out a new low at the tabloid

when he pronounced photographer Bob Geraghty was dead a week

and a half ago, after he failed to return from an assignment.

Full Disclosure has obtained images revealing Geraghty was, in fact,

very much alive and apparently, quite well.

Can you believe that? Janet has absolutely no scruples whatsoever.

Well, Mr Evans, I don't know how long the Sunday Sun can survive,

but I suggest that you, together with your puff columnist

Alex Burchill, just drove a nail into your own coffin.

-Puff columnist?

-That's a bit harsh.

Yes, I thought so, too.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd