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Jogging around here, sometimes you find a dead body.
ALARM RINGS How'd you go?
'When is a dead photographer not dead?
'Apparently when he works for the Sunday Sun.'
Janet, Bob. Bob, Janet.
'Well, Mr Evans, I don't know how long the Sunday Sun can survive,
'but I suggest that you just drove a nail into your own coffin.'
A reputation as an enigmatic recluse can take years to build.
And it can be destroyed in an instant.
..with great prose, a category very close to my own heart,
Best Newspaper Feature Writing.
Here we go.
You pour your buckets of unsubstantiated...
I'm doing it for the battlers. You ought to just shut up!
LAUGHTER AND CAMERAS CLICK
Yeah, all right.
And on behalf of the...uh...
the board of Sun Newspapers Limited,
that was the former editor of the Sunday Sun.
Shh! He's coming. He's coming. Come on, come on.
Everything except my clothes.
TANNOY: 'Alex Burchill.'
KNOCKS ON DOOR
-How many hits has it got?
Amazing. That's 30,000 more than it was when I left home 25 minutes ago.
-Mix a couple of glasses of vino with a bunch of cold and flu tablets
and you inhabit a universe without repercussions.
-It'll be forgotten by tomorrow.
-How are the holiday plans going?
-Great. We're checking into Rick's Spa and Grill this arvo.
-Joss Miller, AWOL.
-If she doesn't turn up, they're rooted.
-Who's Joss Miller and who's rooted?
Project Starsearch finalist. Just clarifying - you are an entertainment journalist?
Who hates talent shows.
2.5 million people will be watching on Sunday night.
-While they're doing that, I'll be in a spa.
-Mate, we're down to 44 pages, and that includes the form guide.
-So we are in trouble?
-No, of course not.
It's just that we could be selling a few more ads.
-And the Argus may want to take us over.
I'm just worried if you don't find Joss Miller,
we may be forced to wear cufflinks and have a strong online presence.
Sorry, you'll have to get someone else to do the heavy lifting. I can't work every day of the year.
Wait. If you find Joss Miller, I will give you 10,000.
And where would that come from?
Me. Now, if this paper goes under, I've got nothing
but a one-minute clip on YouTube with 115,000 hits.
Boss, I really need this holiday.
You're going to have to find someone else.
Right. Course I will.
Attention, everybody. Can I have a moment of your time?
'I'm offering 10,000 to the first hack who can track down
'and interview Joss Miller. Hang on. Not you, Susie. We need an arts section.'
And, Satish, who's going to check sub? Max! Where are you going?
'I can't put the paper out without you. Gary, you can't go.
'You work for Hi-Tech Hair Solutions. The rest of you, Godspeed.'
This programme contains some strong language
# The wintergreen, the juniper
# The cornflower and the chicory
# Well, all of the words you said to me
# Are still vibrating in the air
# The elm, the ash and the linden tree
# The dark and deep enchanted sea
# The trembling moon and the stars unfurled
# Well, there she goes, my beautiful world
# There she goes, my beautiful world
# There she goes, my beautiful world
# There she goes, my beautiful world
# There she goes again. #
-We've a lovely room for you today, overlooking the pool.
-There's your key, room 12.
-Now, do you need a hand with any luggage?
Well, enjoy your stay. If you want anything, just dial 0.
Um...what about the other room?
The other room?
Yeah, I booked two rooms. One for me and one for my mate.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have no record of that, sir.
I had you down for the Couples Escape Package.
No, there's no couple.
We'll just have to take another room.
We only have the deluxe suite, I'm afraid.
-Well, that sounds all right. How much is that?
-That one is 700 a night.
-On top of what we're already paying?
-It has a bidet.
-That's ridiculous, mate. Why don't we just bunk in?
If you're going to do that, there is a lovely fold-out bed provided
which we'd be happy to make up for an extra 30 a night.
-OK. Great. Thanks.
I'll take the fold-out, mate.
No, no. It's your room. I'll take it.
Bob was disappointed by the outcome of that conversation.
He believed it had ended a bit too early.
"we sincerely welcome you both to the Couples Escape Package,
"which includes grape-seed-crush foot therapy,
"champagne and rose hand therapy for lovers,
"vineyard mud wrap, a romantic dinner for two
"and a complimentary lovers' mocktail at the bar upon arrival."
The irony is that we probably love each other more than most lovers.
-Might be an idea to keep that to yourself, mate.
Mate, do you mind?
Well, it's just as much mine as it is yours.
What if neither of us ends up finding someone and we just,
-you know, end up like this for the rest of our lives?
-It's not that bad, is it?
With all due respect, I'd hoped at some point I'd be waking up next to a beautiful woman every morning.
And it'd be great if you were doing the same.
With a different beautiful woman, obviously.
Mate, it might come sooner than you think.
There's a chick at ten o'clock who's dead-set barrelling me.
No, further to your left. Bit more.
Fair bit more.
Very subtle work.
-Couldn't have done it without you.
Holidays agree with you, mate.
You're telling me.
-Should we ask someone?
I'm sorry, but Andrew Peacock was never prime minister of Australia.
-Ah, I think he was.
-I think she might be right, mate.
Trust me, I can chronologically list every Australian PM
since Billy Hughes, and I promise you, Peacock isn't one of them.
Well, I remember the day that he was elected. I remember his speech.
OK, OK, in reverse chronological order,
Rudd, Howard, Keating, Hawke...
Peacock. You're so wrong!
OK, let's look it up.
No, I'm enjoying my drink.
Guys, chillax. We're on holiday.
Privately, Alex was relieved not to have to list every Australian PM since Billy Hughes,
as he'd completely forgotten the guy who had the job for six days in 1945.
Oh, now he's remembered again.
It was Frank Forde.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
You know what? I was tempted by the crush foot therapy,
but I've decided to go with the mud bath.
So that's where I'll be if anyone's looking for me.
Oh, and I've left a printout of Australian PMs on the desk.
No Andrew Peacock. Yes. So...um... Have a great day.
In the words of Alex's favourite prime minister,
it was the sweetest victory of all.
Hello, can we get some help down here?
HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
-Hurry up, mate. Emergency.
-What the fuck?
-Let's go. Put the shower on. Let's go.
You couldn't get a live one, Alex?
-Come on, keep awake.
-Sis! What happened?
-Is she your sister?
-What did you take?
-Um... Come on. Tell us what you took.
We might be able to do something about it.
-Yeah, but which ones? How many?
I don't know, like, eight.
Bob, call reception. Get 'em to ring a doctor.
-No, it's OK.
-No doctors. Our parents will freak out.
OK, OK. You hold the fort, mate. I'm going to give Jim a call.
-'Dr James Sawers.'
-Jim, it's me.
It's Alex. You're never going to guess who I've got with me now.
I just need some advice, mate.
-Rita says hi.
-Yeah, great. There's this girl here who's taken eight sleeping pills. What should I do?
-Call the doctor.
-I just did.
-Uh...well, eight, hey?
Well, she's not going to die, unless, of course,
she falls asleep and chokes on her own vomit.
Ew! What, so just keep her awake?
-At least for another hour.
-OK. Thanks, mate.
-Say hi to Rita for you, shall I?
OK. I might be jumping the gun here,
but I get the feeling our Alex has met someone.
Isn't that nice?
-So how long are guys up here for, Lucy?
-Can I just sleep?
-Not for another hour or so.
There's a risk you might choke on your own vomit.
-Mmm. That's what I said.
So what happened?
Well, I just wanted to relax, so I took a couple of pills.
I was still tense, so I took a couple more.
-You've got to give 'em a chance to kick in.
-I know that now.
-So how are you feeling?
-Sleepy. Can you just keep talking to me?
Oh, OK. Um... Something me and the guys were discussing before -
was Andrew Peacock ever prime minister of Australia?
Of course not.
He lost two elections to Hawke, one in '84 and one in '90.
I think I might go the heated seaweed
and essential oil muscle wrap.
-Aren't you having a massage?
-It's all part of the package.
Are you on some sort of medication?
I'm just wondering what you're up to.
Well, I'm on holiday.
So where are you staying? Maybe I could come and join you.
-Um...I can't remember the name.
-Aren't you there now?
Why don't I see you when I get back?
-But can't you just tell me where you're staying?
-Speak to you later.
-Hi. I'm Bianca.
Mr Burchill? Hi. I'm Raymond.
Why have men giving other men massages?
How are you supposed to relax with a man's firm hands all over you?
-Why didn't you just say something?
-I didn't want to offend him.
You should have said something, mate, cos I was in heaven.
Hey, Alex, who was prime minister for 23 days in '67-'68?
-Damn it. Hi.
-Thank you so much for saving my life.
-Oh, thank you for thanking me.
The last person whose life I saved hasn't even acknowledged it yet.
You just happened to stumble upon me when you were out jogging.
-With my replacement.
-See? That wasn't so hard.
So we should all go and have a hit of tennis sometime.
You and me versus the cast of Nine And A Half Weeks.
If you need to eradicate any disturbing images,
I have the number of a very good shrink.
And sounds? Does he eradicate disturbing sounds as well?
It'd be the first naked woman you've seen or heard in quite a while.
OK. Um... So how about we all meet up at four?
Sounds good. See you there.
Mate, what are you trying to do to me?
Don't you worry about anything, mate.
If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
"Why the long face?"
BOTH: # Love you... #
Next up, Alex and Lucy, with the Lee Hazlewood classic Summer Wine.
Look, if we're going to take this any further,
then there's some things I need to tell you.
Well, Alex takes his tea white with honey, not sugar, honey.
-And not supermarket honey either. Cold-extracted honey.
I get it from the organic store.
Because toxins form if the honey's heated over 40 degrees,
and it loses its beneficial properties.
But doesn't the honey heat up once it's in the tea?
-Yeah, we don't talk about that.
-# Summer wine
# Oh, summer wine... #
He does a really great impersonation of Tony Greig.
# Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
# My summer wine is really made from all these things... #
Wow! Your sister sure can sing.
# And I will give to you
# Summer wine
# Summer wine. #
So how's things going with "Lucy"?
-What's with the air quotes?
-Well, I'm 99% certain
that Lucy is Joss Miller from Project Starsearch.
-Mate, if that were the case, she would have told me.
-You're talking about my future wife.
Sure, we might date for a while, but when you know, you know.
I'd pop the question now, but it might be weird and freak her out.
-I knew you'd find happiness.
Good on ya, mate.
Mmm. So what do you do with your days?
I work in a lab.
Really? You don't experiment on animals, do you?
No, no, we're working on adult stem cell technology
-that can actually regenerate damaged spinal discs.
Yeah, that's a whole lot of people out there in wheelchairs
who now have a hope of being able to walk again.
-What do you do?
-Oh, I'm a writer, actually.
-I could write about it.
-You're not a tabloid journalist, are you?
-Those guys are just the lowest of the low.
No, I'm writing a book, actually, about a charity I do work for.
Oh, really? What kind of charity work?
Oh, we're introducing cricket to developing countries.
That must be fun.
You'd think so, but it's actually quite dangerous.
I love cricket. It reminds me of my childhood with my dad.
-What are you doing?
-Sorry, I thought that there was something going on.
Is that how it works? You help me and then you expect me to put out?
-Help you? I saved your life.
-You can't let me forget it, can you?
Wow. Is that what you think?
And here I was thinking that there was something special going on.
-OK, Sam, that's it for tonight.
-Seriously, I need to talk to Bob about something important.
I'll see you in the morning.
-Take a look at that.
-I told you!
I probably should have mentioned this earlier,
but the editor's offering 10 grand to the first journo who can find her.
-How would you feel if I wrote it up?
I don't know. I actually really like Sam.
-It's a great story.
-What time is it, anyway?
They'll already be in the middle of the final print run.
Look, how about you wash your hands of this and I'll use file photos?
It won't be as good.
-Are you sure?
-If Sam and I are meant to be, we'll get over it.
-And if you're not,
you've got five grand worth of executive relief you can call upon.
Boss. What's the splash?
Something off the wire about a British cop who's had a sex-change operation.
No-Knobby Bobby Keeps Jobby.
-How about Joss And Found?
Oh, mate, you have made an old man very happy. One second.
Howard Evans, editor of the Sunday Sun.
Stop the press.
Alex saw his story as a lesson for all men.
Just because you save a girl's life
doesn't necessarily mean you're going to get a thank you pash.
She has to like you as well.
Bizarre, I know.
'Good job, boys. I reckon you've saved the paper.'
Not that we're in any trouble.
-I've never said this to you, Alex, but...
you're like a son to me.
And, Bob, you're like my son's friend.
We love you too, boss.
Enjoy your holidays, boys.
-So it was worth it.
He didn't mention anything about the 10 large, though, did he?
-He'll come through.
-I hope so.
KNOCK ON DOOR
-I saw your light on. Is this OK?
-Come in, come in.
-I'm so sorry about before.
-I should never have said those things.
-Oh, don't worry about it.
Also, my name's not actually Lucy.
-It's Joss. I've been calling myself Lucy.
Don't tell me if you don't want to.
Also, I wanted to apologise for being such a cow
about the whole kiss thing.
Oh, that's OK. I misread the moment.
I just freaked out because I thought I wasn't ready for a relationship,
but the truth is I wanted to kiss you too.
Look, um... Bob's not feeling too flash.
Do you mind if we talk about this in detail tomorrow morning?
Boss, it's Alex.
You know how you were saying I was like a son to you?
Hi. Do you have a Sunday Sun?
Sorry, just the Sunday Argus.
We can go into town and get one, if you like. Liz!
No, no, no, no, that's fine.
In fact, it'd be great if you didn't get a Sunday Sun.
-Under any circumstances.
So you've never seen Project Starsearch?
-It's pretty popular.
-Well, if I'd known you were on it...
-I'm supposed to be there now.
-Well, what happened?
I just don't think I'm very good at handling stress.
-You could always take eight sleeping pills and hop in a mud bath.
-I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I always like to have something in the bank just for when I stuff up.
Speaking of which, I've got a bit of a confession of my own.
-What are you doing here?
-Just came to hang out.
Relax for a couple of days. You up for a bit of tennis?
-Are you two...?
-No, no, no. How'd you find me?
-Hey, you should go and get your complimentary mocktail.
-Haven't you seen it?
Before you read that, there's something I need to tell you.
So you are a tabloid journalist.
I tried really hard to stop that being published.
-You lied about doing charity work?
-What about you?
I believed all that rubbish about you making paraplegics walk.
That's my full-time job. I just also happen to be on Project Starsearch.
"Joss, whose sister Samantha thinks that Andrew Peacock was once prime minister of Australia,
"took an overdose of sleeping tablets and slid into a mud bath
"before being rescued by this column." How could you do this?
-Why didn't you kiss me? None of this would've happened!
-It's my fault?
Well, maybe in my heart I knew you were a tabloid scumbag.
Fuck you, Alex Burchill!
-So how are you going, anyway?
I was coming down with a bit of a cold, but I'm feeling good now.
Great. So you're staying for a couple of days, are you?
Yeah, I don't know.
-I might get back home, actually. This place is quite expensive.
Let's go, then.
Bob. Code Red, mate.
Right you are, mate.
-Can't I come?
Darling, where I'm going, you can't follow.
What I've got to do, you can't be any part of.
Look, I'm no good at being noble, but...
Something about a hill of beans.
Thank you, Mr Burchill. And just so you know,
-you're officially no longer welcome here at Rick's Spa and Grill.
-Thanks very much.
We're just going to wait here a minute for our friend.
How long does it take to drink a complimentary mocktail?
Alex! This is Dylan. He's a journalist too.
Yeah. We know each other. Dylan.
Alex. I read your story in this section of the paper this morning.
Oh. I'm sorry, this IS the paper.
I've just been telling Dylan about your argument with Joss.
Oh, great. Well, I look forward to reading about it, then.
Yeah, I think it'd make a fantastic story.
Only problem is our readers haven't got the faintest idea who you are.
Well, you can't have everything.
I guess I'll see you back in Melbourne.
We're off, mate.
As in the Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times."
It is the first of three curses of increasing severity,
the other two being,
"May you come to the attention of those in authority,"
and finally, and the one that Alex feared the most,
"May you find what you're looking for."
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd