Bagpuss Man Like Mobeen


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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language.

0:00:020:00:04

-I feel sick.

-I thought...

-What did you think?

-I thought it was a laptop.

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How have you got confused between a laptop and a dead cat in a bag?

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It's just so upsetting.

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It's squidgy. A laptop's not squidgy, is it?

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I thought it was bubble wrap, innit?

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So a dude pulls up to you, offers you a laptop in a bin bag,

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and you think that's a good deal?

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That is a good deal. £150 for a laptop, that's wicked.

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It's a very good deal for a laptop.

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Not a dead cat in a bag.

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Why wouldn't you look inside it before you bought it?

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What? When you go and buy a can of Coke from the shop,

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do you look inside to see if it's got a Coke in it

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or does it just have Coke in it? Huh?

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Listen, I didn't get a receipt, innit?

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So I can't take it back, so...

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How are we going to get rid of it?

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How do you think we're going to get rid of it? I'll have to do it...

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-All right.

-I'm not carrying it this time.

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What's wrong with him, like?

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-Where are you going?

-To hell.

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You're in so much trouble, you don't even know.

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You're in trouble as well.

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-Why, what did he do?

-What?

0:01:050:01:06

-Did he stroke the cat?

-Yeah, he touched it.

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What does that mean? Your fingerprints are all over the ting.

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Come here, open the bag for me.

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Pass it here. Pass it here, yeah.

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-Don't shake it!

-Now you can see its face properly, yeah? Look at that.

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That cat did not die of natural causes. Horrible, yeah?

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When they die of natural causes, they're all, "Meow! Meow!"

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Bruv, look at his face...

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Something rolled up on that pussycat and murdered him, bro.

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The RSPCA are fully looking for you.

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Will this affect my National Trust membership?

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They might revoke that shit.

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Oh, shit!

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Listen, don't worry. I'll come visit you in prison, innit?

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If Mobeen drives, I'll come.

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Yeah, don't bother.

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Oh, shit!

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Where are you going?

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-Go, go, go!

-Get your hands in the air!

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Armed police, get your fucking hands in the air now.

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Especially you, Mobeen.

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-OK, OK, OK!

-Where's your fucking friend gone?

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Why has he run off? I asked you a question.

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I don't know.

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If I had to guess, I'd probably say it's because he's black.

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What?

0:02:160:02:17

Officer, I don't know if you've heard of this thing called history.

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Yeah? But these situations very rarely work out for the black man.

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What's in the bag?

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-What's in the bag?

-It's a laptop.

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It's a dead cat.

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Sajid?

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You take this one.

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Hold on a minute.

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Is that Saj from school?

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-Stuart Little?

-It is Stuart Little!

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-Did you call him Lord Of The Rings?

-Yeah.

-Here, let me help you.

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Get back, get back, hands in the air!

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What have you found, Frodo?

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It's a dead cat, sir.

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What the fuck is wrong with you people?

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-Fucking hell!

-Look who's in charge now, huh?

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Sajid, listen, man. Why have you got all the shit out?

0:03:030:03:05

Are you arresting Ironman or what? It's me!

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Risk assessment management meeting dictates this level of response.

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The risk assessment management meeting dictates

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-this level of... Shut up, Sajid.

-Shut up!

-Well, sorry and all that,

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you could have trained two highly qualified nurses

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with the money you spent on training this useless brown bollock.

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Don't call me that. Don't call me that.

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Listen, yeah? Stop wasting taxpayer's money on this bullshit.

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We're the police, we waste taxpayer's money

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-on whatever we like.

-Yeah.

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Well, you could have got three RSPCA officers...

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-Hands in the air, now! You, you're under arrest.

-Why?

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-Him, why?

-What did I do?

-What did he do again, sir?

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Someone matching your description is using kids to sell drugs.

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He matches the description, so he's coming with us.

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Sorry, what was his description?

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Brown male, in jogging bottoms.

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Oh, well, it could be you, eh?

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-I think it is me.

-It's not you!

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This is racial profiling.

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Go suck your mum's... We know our rights.

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Oh, don't play the race card, Mobeen.

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I am the race card.

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Why would you say... What does that mean?

0:04:010:04:03

-What does that mean?

-Why would you say that?

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Just so you know, yeah, he was never happy being a Feast.

0:04:040:04:08

You always wanted to be a vanilla Magnum, didn't you? Didn't you?

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Tell him it's got nothing to do with racial profiling.

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This has nothing to do with racial profiling.

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-It's got nothing to do with racial profiling.

-Dude.

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Careful, sunshine.

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It would be a shame if I had a little mishap at work...

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..and accidentally shot you six times in the fucking face.

0:04:230:04:26

Accidentally shot you in the face six fucking times.

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-I've had enough of this shit. Cuff him.

-No, no, no.

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I told you I'd get you back, look at me.

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My dick is in your face, what are you going to do about it?

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Look at me. Look at me.

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Stand down. No more coffee for you in the morning! Christ!

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Fuck!

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I just don't feel comfortable with the level of tension in your scalp.

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You know as well, I reading on the internet, yeah,

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they've got this extracts of volcanic ash cloud and that, right?

0:05:030:05:05

Mum never took this long to do my braids.

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Unless she's turned into Pakistan's version of Mr Tickle,

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she can't reach your hair from Karachi, can she?

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So you're stuck with your big brother during your hair.

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-Can't I get a professional to do them?

-Oi! I am a professional.

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I want more volume in here. I need more volume.

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I want to get it hench and that, like, try feathering it.

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-I could even layer it, you know.

-Or maybe just finish off my braids.

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I can hear my hair growing!

0:05:270:05:29

Is Eight still in custody?

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-Is being a weirdo finally a crime?

-If he was in prison for that,

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he'd be in prison for the rest of his life, wouldn't he?

0:05:330:05:35

No, the old Bill think he's been selling drugs.

0:05:350:05:38

Eight, a drug dealer? That's funny.

0:05:380:05:40

-That's what I said as well.

-Everyone knows it's Shahid.

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Why do you even know that name?

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Have you lost weight?

0:05:510:05:53

You're looking trim, you know.

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Stop all that, yeah.

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Tell me what you know.

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The rumour in Year Ten is that Shahid is getting

0:05:590:06:01

some of the kids to move his grub for him.

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-What?

-I don't know why you can't just snitch on Shahid

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-and get Eight out.

-It don't work like that, all right?

0:06:050:06:09

I'm telling you now, Aks, yeah?

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You stay well away from anything to do with this, you understand?

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There is one person in the family

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who don't get involved in drug dealing.

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I don't do no drugs, sell drugs, who told you that, man?

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-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Is that true?

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Do you think I've lost weight, though,

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because I'd been doing sit-ups and crunches and that, like.

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Don't be stupid.

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BING!

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-Kareema is here.

-Listen, wait for me. Wait for me.

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Your hair looks lovely from here, you know.

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You're giving me stress.

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I did a stress test, and it said I'm dead,

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pretty much dead because of you.

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Yo, yo.

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-I want to talk to you.

-Wa gwa, Mobeen?

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Look, I can't stay, man, got to go. Business and that, yeah.

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Kareema, what are you doing hang around with that mug?

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He's mum's cousin's cousin.

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What's your problem, Mobeen?

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I don't care who he is, yeah?

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Stay well away from him, do you understand?

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Why? What are you going to do?

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Are you going to braid my hair really, really slowly?

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Maybe I will.

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-Maybe I will.

-She's weird, man.

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They won't keep him here for much longer.

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That's what Nelson Mandela's wife said.

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Look what happened there.

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Blud, they don't even give refreshments in here any more.

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Not even a water cooler. I don't know why I pay my taxes.

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You don't pay your taxes.

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OK, I don't know why you pay your taxes, then, innit?

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You OK, bro?

0:08:020:08:03

Hey?

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WHISPERING: Shit!

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-It's that guy. WHISPERING:

-What guy?

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They call him the Small Heath sex falcon.

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Why?

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Because man swoops in, and violates tall man...

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..with kind faces.

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I'm a tall man.

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With a kind face.

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NORMAL VOLUME: What's going on with you, sir?

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Come on, man, no judgment here. What was it?

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Well, I was pretending to be a ghost.

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I beg your pardon.

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When people went to visit graves, I'd...

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-Oh, never mind.

-Never mind never mind, go on.

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I'd go up behind them.

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-And?

-And go, "Wooo."

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What's going on in here, man?

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I think Arnold Schwarzenegger's vegan now.

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That's how come he's so active, even though he's so old.

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Oh, so boss, Officer Sajid, you're doing such a good job.

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You're a good police officer, you.

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Wasting more time on innocent people. You all right, yeah?

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Listen, watch Terminator Three again,

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then you tell me it's not the best one from all the Terminator films.

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-That one is the wickedest one.

-Have you given him sugar?

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-I had two digestives and an orange squash.

-For goodness' sake!

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The guy's a weirdo. Just get him out of here.

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Can I stay? Because he proper lets me talk.

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-Do you want to stay the afternoon?

-Yeah.

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That's fine, yeah, you can stay with you.

0:09:340:09:35

What is wrong with you?

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If I sell drugs, can I come back then?

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You're not a drug dealer, you're a baby.

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It's OK. We'll bring him back for a play date another day, yeah?

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You fucking piece of shit!

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I'm a piece of shit?

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Putting my face in the middle,

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do you understand? Come on. You all right, yeah? Come on.

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Mugging man off and that. Because of my face in my hood.

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Shave that beard off as well. Fucking terrorist!

0:09:520:09:55

Wow, Islamophobia from a Muslim, yeah?

0:09:550:09:57

Officer Sajid, I forgot to mention.

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I saw your mum last week. She still says you're a dickhead!

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Get the fuck out of my station.

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And you know that ghost, yeah?

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He's the sanest motherfucker in this place.

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Thank you.

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I can't do this job any more.

0:10:120:10:15

I still don't know why you had to go get him.

0:10:150:10:17

What's going to happen to him in between leaving the police station,

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-and going home?

-Take your pick.

-Getting dog poo in his hair.

0:10:200:10:23

Signing up to the Territorial Army.

0:10:230:10:24

Getting his shoes jacked by that group of 12-year-old muggers,

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-do you remember that?

-But them girls...

0:10:270:10:28

-Tell her how vicious the girls were.

-OK, stupid question.

0:10:280:10:31

-Yeah, it was.

-He's daft and that, yeah.

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But he's like family. And we look after family, you know that.

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Yeah, us'll all do anything for one another.

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Because, like, we are, like, brothers.

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Obviously not the same mum,

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but, you know, blood is thicker than water.

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And he is thicker concrete!

0:10:420:10:44

They know what they're talking about, like, innit?

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-Like, pay attention.

-It's a set of rules that we live by.

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We're basically a lovely family.

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It's a kind of code. Yeah, we fall out,

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but we never, ever snitch on one another.

0:10:530:10:57

How did you get dog poo in your hair anyways?

0:10:570:10:59

What it is, if you're wearing a hoodie, right,

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and someone puts dog poo in the back of your hoodie,

0:11:020:11:04

and then you put the hoodie up, then you've got dog poo in your hair.

0:11:040:11:07

-It's obvious now you say it.

-That's why I said it.

0:11:070:11:10

Mate, did you bring your own cutlery?

0:11:100:11:12

Oh, yeah, I always bring this fork.

0:11:120:11:14

-Zayn Malik reckons he's from the hood in Bradford.

-Really?

0:11:190:11:23

-Yeah, but I'll knock him spark out.

-Yeah, you could.

0:11:230:11:25

I need you to take these for me, please.

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There's a squad car waiting right outside school for me,

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-and I swear they are following me.

-Can't you just throw them away?

0:11:290:11:32

Are you crazy? Shahid would kill me.

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You're my best mate, I would do the same for you.

0:11:330:11:35

-Just go.

-Thank you.

0:11:350:11:36

It's you, bro. Remember you sold me that laptop, it wasn't a laptop,

0:12:020:12:05

it was a dead cat in a bag.

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-It was the wrong bag.

-Oh, you gave me the wrong bag?

0:12:070:12:09

All right. Don't mess me about next time, yeah?

0:12:110:12:13

Mobeen.

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Bloody hell.

0:12:330:12:35

Aks, you know according to this documentary here, now, yeah,

0:12:350:12:39

strawberry milkshakes contain an ingredient

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that comes from the bum gland of a beaver.

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The bum gland of a beaver.

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Who is even up the beaver's bum,

0:12:480:12:49

looking for ingredients in the first place?

0:12:490:12:52

Unbelievable.

0:12:520:12:53

Aks. Aks.

0:12:550:12:57

What?

0:12:570:12:59

Would you drink strawberry milkshake with all these bum glands in there?

0:12:590:13:02

I'm good, thanks.

0:13:020:13:03

Yeah, same here.

0:13:030:13:05

Blowing my mind, this is.

0:13:060:13:07

Come here and watch it with me, man.

0:13:090:13:11

You probably need this info for your GCSEs, come.

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Aks.

0:13:130:13:15

Aks!

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All right, all right, you don't have to drink it if you don't want to.

0:13:210:13:25

Why has Kareema even got these in the first place?

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Oh, shite...

0:13:330:13:34

I just did what I thought you would have done for Eight and Nate.

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I helped her.

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We don't snitch on our own people.

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That's the rule.

0:13:410:13:42

No! It's not... Well, it...

0:13:420:13:44

I mean, yeah, but...I'm sorry, it's my fault, OK?

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Just don't cry.

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Don't cry, OK? It's not your fault.

0:13:500:13:52

I have to fix this, all right?

0:13:540:13:56

Just wait until I get back, lock the door.

0:13:560:13:58

Mobeen's gone off the shade. Do you know what this means?

0:14:330:14:38

-BOTH:

-Fight!

0:14:380:14:41

Yo, wa gwan, Mobeen?

0:14:430:14:45

Keep this filth away from Kareema,

0:14:460:14:48

-and you even look in the direction of my little sister...

-You'll what?

0:14:480:14:51

Yeah, this ain't your game any more. You retired. So what?

0:14:510:14:53

You just want to be an imam by day, and a road man by night?

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It's a shame about your sister, you know.

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She'd have made a good little drug dealer.

0:15:000:15:03

I ain't scared of you, Mobeen.

0:15:030:15:05

What are you going to do?

0:15:050:15:07

What am I going to do?

0:15:070:15:08

Yeah. What are you going to do, Mobeen?

0:15:080:15:11

What am I going to do? I'll show you what I'm going to do.

0:15:110:15:14

Come here. I'm going to show you. Take that.

0:15:140:15:18

Take this leek in your face. Do you like bananas?

0:15:180:15:21

How about it? I'm going to give you your five a day today.

0:15:210:15:23

-You'll get your five a day today.

-I'm allergic to kiwis.

0:15:230:15:26

-Oh, are you?

-Yeah!

0:15:260:15:27

Don't, man, don't.

0:15:270:15:29

Yes!

0:15:290:15:31

Take the kiwi!

0:15:310:15:33

THEY SQUEAL

0:15:340:15:36

That was sick!

0:15:370:15:39

Check you out, you were like Dhalsim.

0:15:390:15:40

You proper turned him into a fruit salad, innit?

0:15:400:15:42

Are you all right? Mate! Mate!

0:15:420:15:45

What?

0:15:450:15:46

Bro, I stopped recording, can you do that again?

0:15:500:15:53

Who was paying for all these fruits?

0:15:530:15:54

His mum's going to have to pay for it, innit?

0:15:540:15:56

SIREN WAILS

0:15:560:15:58

Oh, fuc...

0:16:010:16:03

Not Harper again.

0:16:030:16:05

I'm going to ask for a chocolate digestive this time.

0:16:050:16:08

Is that important right now?

0:16:080:16:09

Thank you for giving me a genuine reason

0:16:090:16:11

-to take you down to the station.

-What's that reason?

0:16:110:16:13

You didn't see me do... I haven't done anything to see.

0:16:130:16:16

-Tell him I didn't do anything.

-What about the fight?

0:16:160:16:18

-He didn't do anything.

-Listen, listen.

0:16:190:16:22

-Have I done anything, though?

-There was a man lying in fruit.

0:16:220:16:25

-That is enough.

-Are you going to kill a man or what?

0:16:250:16:28

-Not yet.

-What do you mean not yet?

0:16:280:16:30

What's that supposed to mean? No, I didn't do anything.

0:16:300:16:34

Did you see me do anything?

0:16:340:16:36

Did you see man do...

0:16:360:16:37

Get in.

0:16:390:16:41

Mobeen!

0:16:410:16:43

I didn't do anything.

0:16:430:16:45

Step back, or I'll gas you.

0:16:450:16:46

-I didn't do anything.

-Why is he covered in bananas?

0:16:460:16:49

Because he likes salad.

0:16:490:16:51

That's a likely story. Put that phone down.

0:16:510:16:53

Officer, please, you have to let me go, man.

0:17:110:17:13

They are going to take her away from me. Please, man.

0:17:130:17:16

Officer, please, man, there's nobody else at home.

0:17:170:17:19

-Out.

-What?

0:17:230:17:25

Get out.

0:17:250:17:26

You're an absolute waste of fucking time.

0:17:260:17:29

-What is it?

-He won't admit it was you that gave him an 'iding.

0:17:290:17:32

You lot and your bullshit code.

0:17:340:17:36

I don't know why I'm taking these off, I'm sure I'll put you

0:17:360:17:38

back in them soon enough.

0:17:380:17:40

Am I good to go?

0:17:410:17:42

Piss off, Mobeen.

0:17:420:17:44

Come here, Aks.

0:17:490:17:51

Are you OK?

0:17:530:17:55

Come over here, man.

0:17:550:17:56

What?

0:18:000:18:03

You all right?

0:18:030:18:05

Oi! Who done this to my fruit?

0:18:050:18:07

Eight did it.

0:18:090:18:10

No more paper round for you.

0:18:100:18:12

-Do you do a paper round here?

-Sometimes.

0:18:120:18:15

Listen, man, people can say what they like about Small Heath.

0:18:220:18:24

I love living here, man. They say it's violent all the time and that.

0:18:240:18:27

Didn't you have a fight two minutes ago?

0:18:270:18:29

Yeah, OK, it was violent then, but that's because I made it violent.

0:18:290:18:32

I'm not going to do that again, so you ain't got to worry about that.

0:18:320:18:34

-Ain't that your boy?

-Oh, yeah, it's Drizzee

0:18:340:18:37

Good to see you, brother. He's a good guy.

0:18:370:18:39

-It is violent.

-It's not...

0:18:390:18:41

Well, yes, you're right, actually, it's violent.

0:18:410:18:43

-Do you know why? Because of them.

-Geeses?

0:18:430:18:46

Geese, yeah, get that right.

0:18:460:18:48

-Geese!

-Yeah, man, people think Small Heath's violent and dangerous,

0:18:480:18:51

Worried about gang-related crime and that.

0:18:510:18:53

They want to worry about goose-related crime.

0:18:530:18:55

That's claimed the most lives in Small Heath this year.

0:18:550:18:58

-That's how violent they are.

-So if they attack me,

0:18:580:19:00

I'll be able to throw fruit them, yeah?

0:19:000:19:02

If they attack you, throw what you like out of them, mate,

0:19:020:19:04

they are dangerous. Oi! Stop that!

0:19:040:19:07

Not now, where did you get that from?

0:19:070:19:09

-Well...

-Did you rob that from the...?

0:19:100:19:12

Put it away, I'm paying tomorrow. It's one of my five-a-days.

0:19:120:19:15

Yeah, stolen one of your five-a-days,

0:19:150:19:16

there's no nutrients in that, is there?

0:19:160:19:18

So you're telling me you're scared of geese?

0:19:180:19:20

I'm not scared of the geese, I'm just cautious around the geese.

0:19:200:19:23

-Do you know what I mean?

-Why are we walking faster?

0:19:230:19:25

SHE SQUAWKS How many times?

0:19:250:19:27

Don't make that noise, they'll come over here.

0:19:270:19:29

SHE SQUAWKS Can you stop doing that?

0:19:290:19:30

He's looking this way now.

0:19:300:19:33

SHE SQUAWKS Aks, can you stop that?

0:19:330:19:35

I've been diagnosed with ornithophobia.

0:19:350:19:37

Stop that!

0:19:370:19:38

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