Browse content similar to Wifey Riddim. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
Nah, I can't do it. That's going to hurt. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
Here we go. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:12 | |
-MOBEEN! -Oi! | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
What are you doing home from school so early? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
If you bothered to check your phone, you'd know. | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
What are you chatting on about, sis? | 0:00:21 | 0:00:22 | |
I ain't had no calls or text messages... | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Oh, I'm sorry, Aks. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
I had my phone on silent. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:27 | |
I've been suspended. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
What for? | 0:00:29 | 0:00:30 | |
These two Year 11 girls were bullying a Year 8 girl, | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
-and I weren't having it. -OK, and what did you do? | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
I knocked one out, and the other one went and grassed me up. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
-My... -Aren't you angry? -No. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
Aren't you going to tell me off? | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
No, I hate bullies. I'm proud of you, kiddo. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
I'll come in and tell your year head on Monday what I think. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
It's the start of my GCSE courses, I've been suspended for fighting, | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
and I'm going to miss vital revision classes, | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
all because I couldn't control my temper. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
-Couldn't control your temper? -I couldn't control my temper! | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
And you don't think that maybe you should be | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
explaining how I might have made the wrong decision today? | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
I mean, when you put it like that, yeah, I can see some negatives. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
Why...you always walking off on me for, man? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
Acting like you're the boss. I'm the boss of this house. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
-What did you say? -No, no, nothing. I didn't say nothing to you. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
# This speech is my recital I think it's very vital | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
-# To rock -A rhyme | 0:01:26 | 0:01:27 | |
-# That's right -On time | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
# It's Tricky is the title, here we go | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
# It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
# It's tricky | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
-# It's Tricky -Tricky | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
-# Tricky -Tricky | 0:01:37 | 0:01:38 | |
# It's tricky to rock a rhyme | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
# To rock a rhyme that's right on time | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
# It's tricky... # | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
Hey, freeze... | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
..before I shoot you in the man milks. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
You know I've got gynecomastia, it's a medical condition. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
-What's wrong with you? -All right, calm down. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
No need to get your man boobs all in a twist. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
-I've got to go, I've got to go. -Hey, hey, come here, come here. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
Relax. I'm just telling your uncle what a good boy you are. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Hey, you remember when you helped my Ibrahim out with his maths GCSE? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:11 | |
When I gave him MDMA an hour before he sat the exam? | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
And he got an MDM-A star. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
-How's Aksa? -Well, listen, man, at the moment, hard work. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, man, but it's just not working. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Maybe she needs her mum, I don't know, man. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
And you can't help, even with your ample bosom? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
Listen, young man, you need to take a leaf out of my Ibrahim's book. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
He added a female perspective to his life and got married. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Hey, arranged by the family. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Best thing he ever did. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
Listen, Uncle Habib, yeah, with all due respect, | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
yeah, I ain't taking your advice on women. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
You're still banned from the swimming pool. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
That case is still pending. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:46 | |
You can't be a mother to her. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
Not even with those breasticles. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:52 | |
Listen - one more joke | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
and I'm going to send you a picture of these on WhatsApp later. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
I won't send it to you. But I'll send it to you! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Oi, listen, calm down. | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
You used to be a bad man round these parts. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
You've turned things around. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:02 | |
-Well, yeah. -Bad man? | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
-Bloody scum. -Oh, come on. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
He's turned things around. Responsibility, the focus, the dean. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
Anyone would be proud to call you their son-in-law. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Hold on a minute. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:14 | |
I'm not into all that arranged marriage thing, though. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
I mean, I'm touched and that, that you two want me to consider your | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
daughters. I'll consider it. Yeah, I'll consider it, innit? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
Our daughters? You're bloody joking. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
I'd rather she did a suicide bombing. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
I will put the vest on her myself. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
Fucking hell! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
Don't worry, | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
if you change your mind I'm sure there's someone we can find for you. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
Hey, the world is full of middle-aged divorcees. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
-Bloody scum. -That's not very nice, is it? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
What do I want here? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
# Mama, can I huh, mama, can I huh, huh can I mama, | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
# Won't you please let me, mama, can I, huh... | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
Hey, handsome! Oh, looking at you, you know. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Good to see you, bro, you all right? Are you all right, yeah? | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
# That's the sweetest little dress | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
# Sally, where'd you get the pattern? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
# Made me one just like it out of yellow dotted swiss | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
# Yes, I guess we got the earliest garden in the county | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
# Beneath the strawberries are a heap of snappin' green beans... | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
What? | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
# Mama make Willie quit pulling at my hair! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
# Mama, ouch! Ouch! Mama, just make Willie quit it! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
# Tommy, if ya don't put down that stick | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
# I'm gonna wear you out with it, boy, be quick | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
# Come quick, Sammy Jean stuck her finger in a Coke bottle | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
# Can't get it out cos it's stuck, stuck, stuck | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
# Now I told you my mama didn't raise no fool | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
# I can do anything if I got the right tools | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
# Mama can I huh, mama can I huh, huh... # | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
What the hell is this?! | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
Aksa?! | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
I need to talk to you. I don't know how to say this, but... | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
-Is it your breath? -No, it isn't. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:11 | |
-When I was your age... -You had no friends. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:12 | |
No, listen to what I'm saying. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
-Loads of spots. -No, you've got to listen. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
At least these spots stop people noticing your breath. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Boys! Yeah? Sorry. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
Boys, yeah? What do you think of boys there? | 0:05:21 | 0:05:25 | |
I think they are human beings. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
But, no, w-w-what I mean to say is, like, you know, like, | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
at your age, boys and that comes to you like, | 0:05:33 | 0:05:37 | |
"Yeah, can I have your Snapchat and that?" | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
-Yeah? -Yeah. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
Well then, stab him. Or tell me and I'll stab him for you. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
It's stressing me out, this. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:47 | |
-I can't believe you, Mobeen. -All boys are just weirdos. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
-Don't talk to them, please. -Oh, my days. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
You think I mess around with boys and that? | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
I swear all men are stupid, thick idiots. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
Yeah, but not me cos, like, | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
I'm not a stupid thick idiot and I'm your mate. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
I wish I had a mum here sometimes and not just a brother. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
No, but that's not fair, like. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
We've discussed this. I can be a mother figure to you. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
Yeah, you can be a real mother...figger sometimes. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
Oi, oi, oi, that's rude. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:19 | |
-Oi. -You scared me, bro. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
-Give us a cuddle, man. -Oh, man, how are you doing? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
I'm all right, bro. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:39 | |
-Are you all right, yeah? -Mate, that's one too many. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
-Just three, just three. -All right. -Yeah? | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
I think it's three, I don't even know where that comes from. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Where's Nate? | 0:06:47 | 0:06:48 | |
He's not here. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
-Thank you, Shitlock Holmes. -Shall we just go? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
No, he said he's going to meet us here. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
You know what he's like. If we leave, he'll freak out. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
Just stay here. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
Put your arms out. Up like that. Like yoga, that's it. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
"I'm Mobeen!" | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
Ah! | 0:07:21 | 0:07:22 | |
Do you know what sexting is? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
-Yeah. -What? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
It's when... It's when... | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
Um... Huh... | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
It's shapes, isn't it? When you have a six-sided shape. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
How tired are you? Very tired. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
-Let's just go! -Wait, man. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Go faster, go faster, go faster. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
Go faster! Careful! | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
Come on, come on. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
No, no, no. Are you all right now? | 0:07:52 | 0:07:53 | |
-Yeah. -Look, if you concentrate on one spot, you won't feel dizzy. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
You've got three spots. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
-Are you OK? -I've been worried sick, man. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:03 | |
I was waiting for you two outside a mosque. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
No, you haven't, cos we're outside the mosque now, look. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
-What mosque were you at? -The one where all the Muslims come out of. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
Muslims come out of every mosque, Nate. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
But there's, like, 64 mosques in ends. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Why can't you all just pray at the same one? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
How can we all pray in the same mosque? | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
I haven't got an answer. That's really profound, that is. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
-Cheers, mate. -Yeah? -Are you not going to shout at him? | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
-You're shouting at him. -Why is he so late? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
Books? Have you? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:33 | |
If that was me, you'd have shouted at me. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
-Well... -I'm going to pick stuff up in the supermarket, I don't care. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
He don't learn. Every single... | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
Since we were kids. He's like a bloody grocery pervert. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
-Do we need this? -Do YOU need sanitary towels? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
-I don't know what that is. -Brother, put it back, then! | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
Why are you always touching things? | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
All the time, touching, touching, touching. Have you got your list? | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
-Yeah, Aky gave it me. -Good, just stick to the things on there, yeah? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
-All right. -Even the little cheeses in Asda, yeah, | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
you get to try them before you buy them, | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
and that's just cheese, innit? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:09 | |
I'm proper allergic to cheese. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
I don't want you to do anything you're going to regret, | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
and you said arranged marriage wasn't your thing. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
Domino's stuffed crust gives me haemorrhoids, actually, I think. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
OK, look, man, I know what I said, | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
but you know as well as me that sooner rather than later, | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
Aksa's going to need that strong female role model in her life. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
Yeah, but arranged marriage? Look, I know I'm not a Muslim, yeah, | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
but is marrying your cousin really the right answer? | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
I would never marry my cousin, innit? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
He proper loves cheese. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
Yeah, look, I think you're getting your arranged marriages | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
and you're forced marriages mixed up, blood. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
-You don't have to marry your cousin. -You sure? -Of course, man. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Listen, nowadays, arranged marriage goes down so you know | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
your daughter ain't falling in love with her old man. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
Shotting off his ten bags of weed | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
with his zero-hour contract at Sports Direct. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
It's like a vetting process, I suppose. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
I probably wouldn't marry a vet as well, actually. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
Look, at the end of the day, if you don't like them, | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
you don't marry them and that. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
But you do still get to go to their house, eat bear free munch and... | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
-Oi, listen. -What? -..see some PENG milfs! | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
You understand what I'm saying? Bruv, I mean, like, | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
these aunties are outshining their daughters for junk. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
That's true. I heard that, actually. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:17 | |
Like, for example, I would proper marry your mum, innit? | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
Cos you both know what the craic is from the start, yeah? | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
You don't have to sit there scrolling through each others' | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
selfies and pretending you like the violin just to impress them. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
Look, man, I know I said I'd never do it, | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
but I can't rule out arranged marriage right now, boys. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
I think arranged marriages are proper bullshit. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
-Still no girls will see you, innit? -None! | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
Look at me, I'm a geezer in his late 20s living with his little sister | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
earning 17 grand a year after tax. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
The girls ain't brawlin' over your boy any more. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Actually, there is another way. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:48 | |
-Go on. -What if me and Nate, yeah, we move in with you, | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
and the three of us, we look after Little Aks. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
It's been done before. I seen it. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
How many times, yeah? | 0:10:56 | 0:10:57 | |
Three Men And A Baby was a film, not a documentary, bruv. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
Then how come it's on Channel 4, then? | 0:11:00 | 0:11:01 | |
Social services would have been all over Ted Danson. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
And actually, boys, even though we loved it when we were kids, | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
I've re-watched it a couple of weeks ago...it was shit! | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
-How dare you. -No. But The Goonies is still the greatest of all time. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
-You understand what I'm saying when I say what I say, innit? -Wicked. I love that film. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:17 | |
Remember when that fat one does like, that truffle shuffle truffle. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
I loved that one, cos he's all like... | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
No, no, no, but he didn't do that, though, did he? | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
He didn't do that. Come on. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
-Shall I get this? -Is it on the list? -No. -Well, put it back, then. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:37 | |
Look. Dinosaur shapes. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
-Do you want them? -Yeah. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
-Anything else you want? -No. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
Don't sound so surprised. You've got a lot to offer. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:57 | |
Look at you, you are highly domesticated. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
Are you going to wash your hands?! | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
No. Overrated. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
You're like a little Mary Poppins... | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
..who used to sell the hard-core cannabis. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
Who is spreading these rumours? I never sold no drugs, all right? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
But I feel very honoured that your daughter | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
might consider me for marriage, so I'll think about it, yeah? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
No chance. Why do you keep asking that? | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
Why would I subject my beautiful daughter | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
to such a shit life, stuck with you? Huh? | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
Aww. You're such a nice person, Uncle Habib. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
Imagine if you were a complete dickhead. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
In other news, you're going to meet a very nice girl | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
-and her father about getting married. -What?! | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
-Huh? When? -Tonight. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Can you discuss these things with me before you start arranging stuff? | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
Calm down, you just go there and be yourself. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Well, not your actual self, be someone better, you know? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
-Much better. -Who's the girl? -You know Brother Ahmed? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:59 | |
Always prays on the front row? | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
You know, really boring, never smiles, rarely speaks? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
No. But he sounds like a right giggle! | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
-It's his daughter. -No, Uncle Habs. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
It still feels weird. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
Just go there and try it. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
This process isn't magic, bastard. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
You go there, see what it's like. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
And after meeting, | 0:13:17 | 0:13:18 | |
you'll be aware of what a woman is looking for in a husband. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:22 | |
And don't you worry, I'm coming with you. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
No, no, no. It's OK. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
-It's OK. -We go together. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
We won't go together, it's fine. I'm a big man now. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
-It's fine. -I am coming with you. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Lovely. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:35 | |
Tastes of washing-up liquid. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:40 | |
You are disgusting. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
Yeah, yeah, I'm almost there, Uncle Habib. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
What do you mean you ain't coming? | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
Well, why is she trying to kill you? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
Why didn't you clear your search history, you dirty, dirty old man? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
You make me sick, you do. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
Well, I'm here now. What do you want me to do? | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
Now, please, please, please, please don't send him. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
-He's a weirdo. -Who's a weirdo? | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
What do I do with him, man? | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
All right, Uncle Shady? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
Any last-minute advice and that, or...? | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
Yeah, don't be a bastard. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
Keep this off, yeah? | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
Assalamualaikum, Brother Ahmed, you all right? | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
Welcome. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
Come on inside. Take your shoes off, please. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
OK. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:47 | |
It smells lovely in here, Brother Ahmed. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
It smells shit. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
What? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
So... | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
..it was a shame for Habib. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
Apparently his wife witnessed the whole thing. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:28 | |
Yeah, bless her, she saw him go over on his ankle and he broke it. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:32 | |
-Yeah, so... -Ankle? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
She caught him watching the pornography. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
What? | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
Your house, yeah, it's beautiful. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
Thank you for inviting us here today. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
-Thank you. -And your carpet is very, very white. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:47 | |
Almost racist-ly white. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
Anyway, enough of the small talk, did you see the picture of Khadijah? | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
-What did you think? -Yeah, I did, Brother Ahmed, | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
she's...she's very pretty. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
She's... She's beautiful. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:05 | |
-He told Habib she's high quality brown poom-poom. -Oh! | 0:16:05 | 0:16:10 | |
What's brown poom-poom? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:11 | |
I'm sorry? A musical instrument and that. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
Assalamualaikum, uncle. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
So, it's...um, Mobeen. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
Mobeen... | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
-..Dean. -Yeah, that's right, yeah. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
Sorry, we've had a couple of Mobeens come through the process before | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
and they were both very thick. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
-Are all Mobeens thick? -Yes! | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
You all right, Khadijah? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
Thumbs up, no-one's used that as a greeting since '98. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
No need for this to be awkward. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
Let's start off nice and light, shall we? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
-Yeah. -Yeah, keep it easy. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
Let's do it. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
What do you think of women? | 0:16:50 | 0:16:51 | |
-Sorry? -Women. What do you think? | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Well, I think women are amazing. Like, phenomenal. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
Just powerful and strong and that, and... | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
..if I weren't a man... | 0:17:08 | 0:17:09 | |
..I'd be a woman. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
He has the tits for it. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:15 | |
-Come on. -He does have... | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
He does have tits. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Make a note of that. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
You don't mind if we film this, do you? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:26 | |
It's for our relatives back home in Pakistan, obviously. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
-Obviously. -I couldn't give a shit. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
So, we understand that your parental situation is complicated. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
Can you share a bit about that with us, please? | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
Yeah. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:42 | |
Well, my mum and dad, they got divorced when I was quite young | 0:17:43 | 0:17:47 | |
and I haven't seen my old man for the last 20 years. But my mum, | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
she was amazing, man. She did everything for us. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
It's just, she got remarried when I was a teenager, you see, and... | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
It's a very boring story. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
The start of a tough time, he was arrogant and abusive, and... | 0:18:01 | 0:18:05 | |
I would have knocked him spark out. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
I did. Several times. That's when he went back to Pakistan. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
-So you think violence is the way to resolve things? -No, I didn't... | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
-So you have a criminal record? -I don't have a criminal record. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
-Allah is watching. -I do have a criminal record. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
What were you in jail for specifically? | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
He killed people. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:21 | |
I never...! I never killed... | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
I don't know what he's talking about. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
He gave drugs to children. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
Yeah, but he was 16. I was 16. We were all 16. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
We were all 16. It was for GCSEs. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
Oh, so that's fine, then? | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
I don't think it's all right. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:35 | |
Selling drugs, criminal record, punched his stepdad? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
You, Mobeen Dean, are scum of the bloody Earth. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
You, Mr Ahmed, you are the biggest arsehole. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
I beg your pardon. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
Nobody speaks to Mobeen like this except me. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Thanks, but I'd prefer if you didn't speak to me like that as well. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
I've had enough of you two. Get out of my house now. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
-Not until you apologise to him. -Are you mad? This is my house. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
I'm not apologising to anyone. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
-Yes, you are. -What are you going to do about it? | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
-Yeah, walk away. -What? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
Oi, oi, oi, oi. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
-Apologise. -No. Get off! | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
You are going to lick and clean yourself. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
No. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Khadijah, you got any more questions in that book of yours? | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
How do you feel about having bigger breasts than your wife? | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
Oh, you got jokes, yeah? | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
How do you feel about your dad being a brown version of Karl Pilkington? | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
You know, maybe me and you at some Costa coffee shop somewhere else, | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
-this might have been different. -No. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
-Say sorry to me. -Sorry. | 0:19:58 | 0:19:59 | |
Are you kidding me? I can't believe that. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:07 | |
I know. She fully wanted to marry me next week, you know. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:11 | |
11:30, she showed me her dress. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:12 | |
I was going to go to karaoke with Brother Ahmed. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
So, what did you say? | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
I said no. No. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Can I marry you, then? I want to go to karaoke. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
I mean, all things considered and that, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
I was stressed out, but I think we're all right, innit? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
What you lot gossing about? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
Mobeen nearly got married. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:33 | |
-What? -What is wrong with you? | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
No, look, listen. I didn't think I was doing a good enough job for you | 0:20:36 | 0:20:40 | |
so I tried to get you a mum, but then I couldn't find you a mum. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
You don't need a mum, you've got a lovely brother. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
I don't need a mum, and who's going to want to marry you anyway? | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
-You look like Shrek. -Cos he's green, innit? | 0:20:49 | 0:20:53 | |
And cos he looks like Shrek. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
-He does a little bit. -I don't know what you are laughing for. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
If he gets married, there'll be someone else on that sofa | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
and this will be gone. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
It'll all be gone! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
Good girl. In your faces. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
It'll all be gone if I get married - and I will get married. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
Let go, baby girl. No, you can't come in today. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
We need to make sure he never, ever get married. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Don't mind me looking like Shrek. Looking like Shrek. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
You look like Shrek. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
# For once in my life I have someone who needs me | 0:21:17 | 0:21:22 | |
# Someone I've needed so long | 0:21:22 | 0:21:26 | |
# For once unafraid I can go where life leads me | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
# Somehow I know I'll be strong | 0:21:30 | 0:21:34 | |
# For once I can touch, what my heart used to dream of | 0:21:34 | 0:21:40 | |
# Long before I knew... # | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 |