Upper Room Man Like Mobeen


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Transcript


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Where's he gone, man? Eight?

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What if he's fallen in the canal?

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Well, if he has, then he's dead.

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-The app don't even work.

-Your app don't work.

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Have you lot seen Eight? It's a bit further down here.

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Nah, he's lost again.

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-PHONE:

-Turn left.

-No, it's this way.

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-The app is on, but we still can't find him.

-Turn left.

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In five metres, turn left.

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Eight!

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I thought you said you loved nature.

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I do love nature.

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When it's on television and David Attenborough's presenting.

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I hate nature in real life.

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It smells like shit around here.

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Plants and...plants and that.

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It's so long.

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I think I swallowed a mosquito.

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-Yeah? You all right?

-Yeah. Where is he, man?

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He's got to be here somewhere.

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-Turn left.

-Well he's not going to be far, is he?

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He never leaves Small Heath, cos...

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BOTH: I can only poo in my own house.

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You have reached your destination.

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He's an odd fellow. That's what Miss Peters used to say at school.

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"You're an odd fellow, Arslan."

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You don't want to go in there.

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Don't!

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-Where have you been?

-You know him?

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-Yes, we know him. He belongs to us, yeah.

-This is our shed!

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This? You bring it from home, did you?

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-He kicked us out.

-Life's full of disappointments, innit?

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Yeah. Well, move on, then. Move.

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What's McFly staring at, there? What are you going to do,

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burn a man with your hair straighteners? Go away.

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What are you doing in here, Bear Grylls?

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You're not drinking your own piss again, are you?

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-My grandad's dying.

-What?!

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From cancer.

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Oh, that's so sad, man.

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Gutted for you.

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Do you know what stage it is?

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-Yeah?

-Seven.

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I think there's only four stages, mate.

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Yeah, mate. It's cancer, not Tetris.

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You've gone about three extra stages...

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..stages, there.

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Oh, stage seven, oh, shit.

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Yeah. Stage seven.

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That's sad, man.

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Wait, wait.

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Please tell me it's your grandad in Pakistan and not Dadha Hussein.

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It's Dadha Hussein.

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Oh, man, he was the best one.

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Nobody would have cared if it was your grandad in Pakistan, he...

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Remember when he used to throw bricks at our shins in the summer holidays?

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Proper hurting.

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Yeah. He used to play a lot of cricket, innit, so...

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-he's got a good aim.

-Remember what he used to call me?

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BOTH: Africa!

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That's fully racist, innit?

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Can't call someone a whole continent cos of their skin colour, innit...

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Proper knobhead, your Pakistan grandad.

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Proper wish he had cancer.

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Instead of Dadha Hussein, like,

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if there was a choice in who the cancer fairy visited.

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Cancer fairy, yeah? Hm?

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-I'm sorry.

-Well, it is Dadha Hussein, the grandad that I love.

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And he's not going to be with us in four weeks.

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Listen, hey. Hey.

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Don't cry, man.

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Anyway, he...

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..he said he wants to see you two, innit, cos he needs some help

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with summat, so come round the house later.

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It's not helping him wash, is it? Cos I'm not comfortable with that.

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No, it's not helping him wash.

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Actually, it might be that, I don't know, but just come, innit?

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Also, yeah, I just want to put this out there,

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I'm not doing a euthanasia on him, man.

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I don't want to do a euthanasia on anybody.

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Strictly speaking, shouldn't it be called euthanasian?

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I was just trying to lighten the mood.

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Euthanasian?

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-Did it work the first time?

-Sorry.

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EIGHT SNIFFS

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DOOR CREAKS

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THEY WHISPER

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-Ah!

-Ah! Bloody hell.

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Look at you.

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Here you are, my good boy.

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Yeah, Dadha, I'm here.

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Not you.

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I was talking to Mobeen.

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Oh, right, yeah.

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You know,

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you've always been the grandson I never had.

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How are you, Dadha, are you OK?

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I have been better, but...

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..this life is very brief, you know.

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Yeah.

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And it's a test from Allah.

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I'm not worried any more.

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You're so brave, really.

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No.

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I'm shitting my chuddies.

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Nobody wants to be bloody dying.

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Come closer, I want to tell you a story.

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When I was 17 and living in Pakistan, me and my mother,

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we would have this conversation every day.

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"You need to get married."

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"I don't want to get married."

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"You need to get married."

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"I don't want to get married."

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"You need to get married."

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"I don't want to get married."

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"You need to get married." "I don't want to get married."

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"You need to get married." I don't want to get married.

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"You need to get married."

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"I don't want to get married."

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"You need to get married."

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"I don't want to get married." "You need to get married."

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-"I don't want to get married."

-OK, Dada, that's enough of that.

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You didn't want to get married, it's all right.

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Wait, but... Did you get married, then, Dadha?

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HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

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So then I got married.

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So you got married just to shut your mum up?

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No, but he married my daadi and they lived happily ever after.

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You proper hated his daadi, innit?

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It's like you lot hate the Conservatives.

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That's deep.

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I was trapped, but then I got a chance

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to come to the United Kingdoms

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and to escape from the mental prison that I was in.

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Najia didn't get a visa.

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It was the 1970s.

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I knew immediately this was a place of opportunity.

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A place of opportunity

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where skinheads would put dog shit through your letterbox.

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Make Britain great again, eh?

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Good times, they were. Good times.

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So I opened the first video shop in the neighbourhood.

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I made a fortune.

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You were like the Small Heath Steve Jobs, weren't you?

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He got cancer as well,

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so that's like, another thing you got in common.

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SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

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The shop got so busy that people would come and say to me,

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"You need help in the shop."

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"I don't need help in the shop."

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"You need help in the shop."

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"I don't need help in the shop."

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"You need help in the shop."

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"I don't need help in the shop."

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"You need help in the shop."

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"I don't need help in the shop."

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"You need help in the shop."

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"I don't need help in the shop."

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You didn't need help in the shop.

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No, but then, did you get help in the shop, then?

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HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

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So then I got an assistant, and,

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to cut a long story short...

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Please do.

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..we fell in love.

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And we got married and we have been man and wife ever since.

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What?

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So, you got with two wives?

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OG, triple OG, getting it in, Dadha! Ta, ta!

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Wild!

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Then, things got complicated when Najia came over here.

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-Yeah.

-It was very, very hard.

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Mm!

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Sorry.

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Hard, though, innit?

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I could have done things better,

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but I'm dying, now.

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I need your help, Mobeen.

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Najia won't let me see my Jamila.

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-What?

-Najia has gone too far.

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She's locked all the doors and she's started scaring me.

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I love my daadi, she would never do that.

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HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

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You know, the other day, I tried to get out of bed.

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And she said, "You can't get out of the bed!"

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"I want to get out of bed."

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"You can't get out of the bed!" "I want to get out of the bed."

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"You can't get out of the bed." "I want to get out of the bed."

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She attacked me with a stick.

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And then she threatened to cut off my cucumber.

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THEY GASP

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THUMP FROM DOWNSTAIRS

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That's her down there.

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She's nailing the window shut with the same hammer

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that she'll come and kill us all with in a minute.

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I think you're getting carried away.

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HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

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If the cancer doesn't kill me,

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the crazy madwoman with the stick will kill me.

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I need to see my Jamila at the video shop.

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Please promise me you'll help me.

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Mobeen, promise me you'll help me!

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HE SOBS

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Help.

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OK, shall we go?

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Shh.

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DISCORDANT VIOLIN STRINGS

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Oh!

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PHONE RINGS

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That's her. That's the psycho.

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-Daadi?

-Have you been mis-sold a PPI?

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Oh, it's you, man. Yeah, how's it going?

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-Shh!

-How did that door slam?

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I had to open a window, it smelled like someone was dying in there.

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Sorry.

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GLASS BREAKS

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What's the worst that could happen if Daadi catches us, anyways?

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-She'll chop your cucumbers off.

-I need my cucumber!

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Why does everyone keep talking about salad?

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Be careful! She'll chop it to a nub if she catches you.

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Bloody hell. It's OK, lads.

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I think she's gone out.

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Come on.

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Oh, God, no! Come on!

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-Run!

-Ah!

-Daadi!

-Run!

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Oh, my gosh!

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DOOR SLAMS

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MUSIC: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio

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# As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

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# I take a look at my life and realise there's nothin' left

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# Cos I've been blastin' and laughin' so long... #

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Ah, my little gold mine.

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The old business. So many happy times.

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Me and my Jamila.

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She was a very naughty girl.

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You know, she was very hot...

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OK, Bigamy Smalls, can you just get this door open?

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It's cold out here. HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

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PHONE RINGS

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Is that the PPI man again? Gimme that.

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Tell him not to call me any more.

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I will.

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Yes. We don't need no PPI claims, thank you very much, yeah.

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Why don't you stop calling, and while you're at it,

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-gently insert your phone up your anus.

-Mobeen.

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Sorry, Eight's daadi.

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I wasn't talking to you.

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Yeah, I know we left with him this morning and that,

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but we haven't seen him since.

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I said to him, "Unless you become the Terminator

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"and go back to the future and rewind that tape,

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"you're going to have to pay 50p."

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THEY LAUGH

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-He knows that, though.

-Yeah,

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it does sound a bit like him, that, yeah.

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Look, Daadi, man, he made us promise that we wouldn't tell you what's going on.

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Marrying Jamila was the happiest day of my life.

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Is he still going on about Jamila?

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You know about Jamila?

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Of course I know about her.

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But she's been gone sometime now.

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What do you mean, gone?

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She disappeared ten years ago.

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So what happened, then?

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Nobody was ever really sure.

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They went away together and she never came back.

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Oh, shit. Sorry, not shit.

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Yesterday, he spent one hour telling me that he wanted Judge Rinder

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to witness the signing of his will.

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He's not a well man.

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Just leave it with me, yeah?

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Sorry, Daadi.

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Maybe you just learn some Hindi, learn to dance around a tree,

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butt shakes, move around a bit and before you know it,

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you could a big Bollywood star, you know.

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You all right, boys, yeah?

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-Yeah.

-They won't bother you again.

-Thanks, man.

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-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm all right, man, I'm all right.

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So, Dadha...

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You've been in touch with Jamila, yeah?

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What?

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Yeah, the love of your life.

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She on her way?

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All in good time, Mobeen.

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Where does she live? Is she local, or what?

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So many questions from my favourite grandson.

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I'm your grandson.

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Seriously, where is Jamila?

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Listen, guys, I need to tell you a story.

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Oh, bloody hell.

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Look, I've got to go for a haircut next Tuesday,

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can we get a move on, please?

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It's about Jamila.

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Go on.

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Jamila is...gone.

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She...disappeared,

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ten years ago.

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Why are we here, then?

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CREEPY MUSIC

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There's something here I need to deal with.

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Something I need to dispose of before I die.

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I've not told anyone about this.

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You mustn't judge me.

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I told you, man. I told you, man.

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He's a Jamila killer. I told you.

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I fell down these stairs when I was six years old.

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Proper banged my head.

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Yeah. No shit.

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In there.

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Please remember,

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all men make decisions they regret at some point in their life.

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I know this is shocking, but...

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Porn!

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Yes, thank you!

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This is nothing to celebrate, guys.

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It is when we thought your dead ex-wife was in there, mate.

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Bloody hell.

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Misadventures In Megaboob Manor. Dadha, what is this?

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I had no choice.

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With two families, I had to make ends meet.

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You were making ends meet all right.

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Wait, so you sold this stuff?

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Most of the money I made was from the under the counter titles.

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Dadha, you're a pervert.

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And I like it.

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You know, it was a perfect system.

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But if your daadi or someone else found out,

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-it would have brought great shame on our family.

-Shame, yeah.

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So you're saying you never consumed any of this yourself?

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No. Never.

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I may have seen Ferris Boner's Day Off once or twice,

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-you know, just for the research purposes.

-I knew it!

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Hold on a minute, hold on a minute, seriously.

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This is all well and good, but where's Jamila?

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CREEPY MUSIC

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I killed her.

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HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

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I'm just kidding, come on.

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Ha-ha. It's a funny joke.

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Really funny joke, Dadha.

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Jamila, she went off with a younger man.

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Our marriage had run its course.

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I thought you said she was the love of your life?

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I had to tell you something.

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I mean, would you have smuggled out a dying man from his house

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just to dispose of this?

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-I mean, probably, yeah.

-I would have, yeah.

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We got time on our hands.

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-OK, all right.

-Does this mean you do love Daadi?

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No.

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She's not a psycho, but she's still after her inheritance.

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Oh, right.

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Have you decided what you're going to do

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with the rest of the inheritance?

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Yeah, I do have something in mind.

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-Yeah?

-Something that's quite close my heart.

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Yeah?

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Netball in ladies' prisons.

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Blud, blud!

0:17:080:17:11

What's that?

0:17:120:17:13

It's a charity that provides netball equipment for lady prisoners.

0:17:130:17:17

Can we just get on with the job we came here to do

0:17:180:17:21

and get rid of this porn?

0:17:210:17:22

Nah, nah, real talk, yeah,

0:17:220:17:23

this is immoral, misogynistic, and most importantly,

0:17:230:17:26

on a format we can't use anyway, so, let's dash, innit?

0:17:260:17:29

This just seems so wrong.

0:17:360:17:38

-What, porn, yeah?

-No, getting rid of it.

0:17:380:17:40

A lot of very professional people

0:17:400:17:42

worked hard to bring us this material.

0:17:420:17:44

They work very hard, innit?

0:17:440:17:45

Let's just get rid of it, huh?

0:17:460:17:48

CREAKING

0:17:490:17:52

Did you hear that?

0:17:520:17:54

CREAKING CONTINUES

0:17:580:18:00

TAPPING

0:18:000:18:02

It's nothing, man. Thought I heard something, but...

0:18:200:18:23

Argh!

0:18:230:18:24

Daadi?

0:18:240:18:26

What are you doing with all this filth?

0:18:280:18:30

Yes!

0:18:310:18:32

What are you doing with this filth!

0:18:340:18:36

What? No...

0:18:360:18:38

All I wanted to do was come here one last time,

0:18:380:18:41

and you violate my life's work with this?

0:18:410:18:43

My own grandson bringing this filthy muck into Hussein Videos.

0:18:430:18:48

You are not my favourite grandson.

0:18:480:18:50

You're not even my favourite pervert!

0:18:500:18:52

THEY SNIGGER

0:18:530:18:54

EIGHT SOBS

0:18:540:18:55

Oh.

0:18:550:18:57

And that's why Judge Rinder is a genius.

0:19:110:19:14

He's all right.

0:19:150:19:16

EIGHT SOBS

0:19:160:19:18

Dadha, remember what we were talking about earlier?

0:19:200:19:23

Eight took the blame for you. He got battered for you.

0:19:230:19:26

Is there something you'd like to say to him?

0:19:280:19:30

Yeah, there is.

0:19:300:19:31

Why don't you stand up for yourself?

0:19:340:19:36

What?

0:19:360:19:38

Don't worry, he's going to die soon anyways.

0:19:380:19:41

What?

0:19:410:19:42

Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.

0:19:420:19:45

What happened to those boxes, in the end?

0:19:450:19:48

I don't know. Eight dumped them somewhere.

0:19:480:19:50

What is it?

0:19:580:19:59

They're broken.

0:20:010:20:03

I know what this is. It's old school porn.

0:20:030:20:07

ALL: Yes!

0:20:070:20:08

# Oh

0:20:080:20:09

# No time to rest

0:20:100:20:12

# Just do your best

0:20:140:20:16

# Oh

0:20:160:20:18

# What you hear is not a test

0:20:180:20:20

# We're only here to make you

0:20:220:20:23

# We're only here to make you

0:20:230:20:25

# We're only here to make you

0:20:250:20:27

# We're only here to make you

0:20:270:20:29

# Go

0:20:290:20:30

# Gotta go, gotta make it in time

0:20:300:20:31

# Brightest star gonna be the guide

0:20:310:20:33

# Gotta get you to the other side

0:20:330:20:35

# To where the butterflies and where the peach reside. #

0:20:350:20:37

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