H-ALTRight Man Like Mobeen


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MUSIC: All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix

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This programme contains adult humour and very strong language

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For too long, we have lived side by side with thousands of Muslims.

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I mean, how much longer will we turn a blind eye to jihad?

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How much longer will we put our children's lives in danger?

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For too long, our police and government have failed us.

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CHEERING

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Fuck off home, Muzzie bastards. Fuck off home, Muzzie bastards.

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Islam is tearing Britain apart, and we are just standing by

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and watching it happen. Well, no more.

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It's time to take our country back

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in the battle against the cancer that is Islam.

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They want our troops dead, and they are dangerous

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and a daily threat to our way of life.

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Despite what people say...

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..we aren't racist.

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I mean, we would take one black Patriot UK member over 100 racists.

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CHEERING

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You, our friend...

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..what would you say to those that call us racist?

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Er...

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Je parle pas anglais, en fait. Est-ce que quelqu'un parle francais?

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And he don't even speak English! I knew it! I can't understand him.

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-I knew a brother would never like them.

-Parlais francais, anglais.

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Il est un racist!

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Il est raciste?

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-Yeah, him.

-Definitely.

-Il est racist, bro. Him.

-Yes.

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Tu es raciste, toi?

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Ignore this man. Ignore him. He's not... He's not here, right?

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Let's focus on the main problem that is the poison that is Islam.

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-What a dick.

-Young lady!

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Who taught you that filth?

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-You lot, mainly.

-We've got to be very careful.

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We're introducing very detrimental language to her lexicon.

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I think it's Rubicon.

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But fear not, my patriots, because here today together in Birmingham,

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we are the cure for this cancer.

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CHEERING

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Hey, do you reckon that bloke CAN really cure cancer?

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Yeah, that's why loads of them are bald.

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-CHANTING:

-Go home! Go home! Go home!

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Go home! Go home! Go home!

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Robbie, mate, I've got something for you.

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How did you do that?! How'd you do that?

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In your face!

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In your face, in your face!

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Excuse me. Excuse me.

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-Did you see the throw?

-Why am I not surprised?

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-He didn't do anything.

-Oh, really? Who threw that, then?

-It was...

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-No, no, no, it was me, it was me.

-Shut up.

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-Mobeen, I'm sorry.

-Look after her, man.

-I will.

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I'm arresting you this time for chucking an object at a man's head.

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Oh, bless him, is he all right? Did he get hurt?

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He should have put his Ku Klux Klan hood on to cushion the blow,

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then, innit?

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You will be staying here

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until I've got everything under control out there.

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-This is bullshit, Harper.

-Always crying bullshit, aren't you?

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"No, I didn't see that robbery. Oh, I didn't see that shanking."

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Next you'll be telling me you've never seen Game Of Thrones,

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-won't you, Moon Beam?

-"Moon Beam"?

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Do I look like a Care Bear to you?

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Tell someone who gives a shit.

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Right, then, treacle, you've got three minutes to find the crystal.

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-In you go.

-Oi!

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Oh, wait. Oh, this is beautiful.

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No kissing on the first date, boys.

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Oi! I thought I was put in here for my own protection!

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It's The Walking Dead.

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Hello, mate. You all right?

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Do I...?

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Do I know you from somewhere?

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What?

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No. Erm...

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Did you used to deliver pizza for Akbar's Pizza?

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No, mate, I've never delivered anything for anyone called Akbar.

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No? Familiar, though, you.

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Oh, hold on a second, I know now, sorry.

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You look just like your great-grandad.

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Your great-grandad...

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..is Adolf Hitler, isn't he?

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You racist piece of shit!

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I'm not racist, right?

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I've never said anything racist in my life.

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That wasn't you on stage out there saying that all Muslims

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are more dangerous than Ebola? That wasn't you, no?

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OK... Mate, listen.

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Let me... Cos you don't...

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Listen, Islam isn't a race, it's an ideology.

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Yeah, so you can't be racist against an idea, can you?

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That's a great point, that. I can't argue...

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I can't argue with that, I can't argue with that.

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But you and your organisation hides behind statements like that,

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-don't it?

-OK, listen, my organisation is very diverse.

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Right, I have blacks, I have Sikhs, even a Jew.

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Wow, you got a Jew?

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My God. You know your black members -

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are they suffering from vitiligo at the moment, are they?

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OK, that's not fair, is it?

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Cos there were black people out there with us today.

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OK, there was a black person, but he was...

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All right, listen, we did a poll only last month, right,

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that showed clearly the majority of British people, black, white...

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-..and Asian...

-Thank you.

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..feel that letting Islam into the UK is the biggest mistake

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this country has ever made. It's a fact.

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Is that a fact, is it? Bloody hell.

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Can't argue with fact, innit? My days.

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I had a look at this other poll that was conducted a couple

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of months ago, yeah, and it said that British citizens actually think

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the biggest mistake ever made in this country

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is when your mum let your dad in her pom-pom!

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Well, I don't think that's an actual poll.

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Oh, you don't think?

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Don't worry about it, Aks, man. We'll look after you, innit?

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-This is what Mobeen would have wanted.

-He's not dead.

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Yeah, there's nothing to worry about.

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Nothing to worry about at all.

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Mo!

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-Mo!

-Will you just relax?

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Mobeen!

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Racist piece of shit!

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What's he doing?

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I don't know, bumming the racism out of him, probably.

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-Shit!

-Robbie, who's my little space hopper?

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Robbie's my little space hopper!

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I'm going to squeeze every last bit

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of divisive oxygen out of your lungs, Robbie.

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I've got asthma. You're going to kill me.

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Shut up, man.

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I ain't going to jail for ten years for killing you

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by arse-impacted trauma.

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-Racist dickhead.

-See?

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You are all violent psychopaths.

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No, you bring out the worst in people.

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Even the Pope would have a hard time not swinging you round the head

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with his massive stick, and he's a pretty chilled-out guy.

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Don't you mention the Pope.

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I mean, you don't even like Christianity.

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I mean, it's written in your ideology.

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I mean, what would happen if I pulled out a crucifix right now?

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Nothing.

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I'm not Count Dracula, am I?

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At least vampires try to integrate into society.

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You do realise that Blade and Twilight were just films?

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Yeah.

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You have infiltrated every facet of our society.

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I mean, I can't even walk into my local Subway without it being filled

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with that barbaric halal meat.

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What are you and the Daily Mail so bloody scared of halal meat for?

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What do you think is going to happen?

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You're going to have one bite and want another three wives?

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Halal meat directly funds terrorism.

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You buy a doner kebab, and Isis get a free rocket launcher?

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-Is that what you're saying?

-No, no, I've got proof for you.

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-Right, you ready?

-Go on.

-Halal abattoirs are run by Muslims, right?

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Who take the profit from halal meat sales

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to directly fund terrorist activity.

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-Proof.

-Proof?!

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Who is finding you this proof?!

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The same people that found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

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To be fair, those guys did have a very difficult job.

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No shit, yeah? There was nothing to bloody find!

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-I'm serious, I'm proper desperate.

-So go find a toilet.

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-Where?

-Just go there.

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-Wait for me, though.

-What's going on here?

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Erm...

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Don't you just love the forest at this time of year?

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Come on, out!

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I couldn't go.

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There's police everywhere, it's proper all Gordoned off.

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-Cordoned.

-Huh?

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It's "cordoned" off, not "Gordoned" off.

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I think I know what the word is.

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-Look at her, like, trying to be big and that.

-Yeah, OK, mate.

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-Aks...

-What is it?

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I really need to go to the toilet, too.

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You are kidding me.

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Hmm...

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I mean, you Muslims hate our way of life.

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You don't want to integrate with real Englishmen like me.

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Real Englishmen don't want to integrate with Englishmen like you.

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Islamic culture is incompatible with the Western world.

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I mean, look how you treat your women.

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You think all women should be made to wear the burqa.

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No, I don't.

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That's their bodies, they should be able to wear what they like.

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Hmm. Only the oppressed woman wants to wear one of those.

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Ooh, Robbie!

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Are you dictating femininity to women against their will, are you?

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You sexist pig.

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Whoa, mate, isn't it haram for you to say "pig"?

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No. But if I say it more than three times in a week, I'll melt.

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You!

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You had me there!

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Oh, we can only hope.

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Why can't we use your flask?

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-Can't we just knock on someone's door or something?

-No.

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-Can we share a flask, then?

-No! That's disgusting.

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I'm not going to drink it.

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Seriously, I feel like I need to bring nappies out for you two.

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I might actually need one.

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Taliban, Isis, Osama bin Laden...

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I mean, he's blatantly still knocking about.

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Anything else on the Top 100 Muslim Risk List?

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I'm glad you asked. The most important one - jihad.

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Oh, that's my favourite one, that is.

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It's not a joke, is it? I mean, there's jihadis on the streets

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of England spilling blood in the name of Islam. I mean, if that's

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not Islam's fault, then why are Muslims committing the crimes?

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Clearly people being killed in the street is horrific, Robbie, yeah,

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but the perpetrators aren't going door-to-door handing out samosas

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and mango chutney, telling us about their plans, are they?

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Bullshit, your community knows.

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We do know, Robbie, yeah.

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That you're a hole in a broken dick!

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Stop belittling it, right? Islamic terrorism is the single

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biggest threat to men, women and children this country has ever seen.

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That's just a fucking fact!

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-Oh...

-Oh, remember the asthma, Robbie.

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Come on, have a sit down. Sit down.

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You know what they taught us at school in PE, yeah?

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Breathe in, fill your lungs.

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In with the positivity...

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..out with the racism.

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Breathe in the positivity...

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..out with the Islamophobia.

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-Don't you feel better already, Robbie, eh?

-Yeah.

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Listen, you're getting yourself in knots, you daft bugger.

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I've been a Muslim a while, yeah?

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And I know plenty Muslims as well, and I'm going to tell you this -

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I can't get them to commit to what time we're going to Nando's,

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let alone commit acts of terrorism, yeah?

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-What sauce do you have?

-Eh?

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At Nando's.

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The Vusa.

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Oh, I knew it.

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Oh, I really need to wee.

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-Can we go home, then?

-No.

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-I'm desperate.

-Will you two just shut up?

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You're not the first people in history to need the toilet,

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you know. Go in there.

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-Are you mad?

-I never said it was a perfect world.

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You two need the toilet, there's a toilet in there.

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Erm, I don't think so. We're definitely not going in there.

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-I'm going in.

-What?!

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Look, toilets are a no-man's land, innit? A safe space.

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You can't commit any act of violence in any toilet anywhere in the world.

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-Yeah, but...

-No, that's true.

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-That's not true, is it?

-Definitely not.

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He's got... Oh, my gosh.

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Robbie... Eh?

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Me old mate. You know what, man, I'm sat here thinking,

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"What's made my friend Robbie so staunchly Islamophobic and racist?"

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-I can't work it out for the life of me.

-I ain't racist.

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Robbie, I read online that your ex-girlfriend...

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-Not true.

-..that your childhood sweetheart...

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-Didn't happen.

-..ran off with a Muslim guy...

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-No.

-..and converted to Islam.

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I didn't like her anyway.

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And obviously, we all know you don't believe the things you read online.

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Obviously, Robbie, yeah, that's right.

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Hey, listen, mate, don't worry, eh?

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We've all been through heartbreak, Robbie. It's tough.

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I mean, to be fair, most of us go through three tubs of Ben & Jerry's

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and get over it. You... MOBEEN SIGHS

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..set up a far right-wing hate group instead.

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Why is he taking so long?

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He's probably just getting battered by a load of racists.

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Oh!

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What the fuck are you doing in here?

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It's neutral zone.

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The only weapon I have is my bladder, but so help me God,

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if you don't get the fuck away from my friend,

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I'll piss all over you racists.

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All right.

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All right, mate.

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-Oh!

-Bro, that was amazing!

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-You're my hero, brother!

-Wash your hands.

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OK.

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-Can I ask you something?

-No.

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I'll ask anyway.

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Do you genuinely believe in all the shit that you say?

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It's not shit. It's on the internet.

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-Fucking hell.

-And yes, of course I do.

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I'm here for the people, so they know the truth.

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Oh, you're a hero, you are. Very noble, Robbie, very noble.

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I mean, you've currently got a bestselling hate manual -

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oh, sorry, sorry, bestselling book - on Amazon at the moment.

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I mean, shit, that must have made you a fairly wealthy man, Robbie.

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People like you, Katie Hopkins there,

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you lot have made a career off preaching hate, haven't you, Robbie?

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She's actually quite good if you read some of her stuff.

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She was great on the radio. Shame.

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It's clever, bro. It's a great business move, innit?

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Hey, unfortunately it's probably always going to be one of the most

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popular-selling products there is.

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Can you just shut up?

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No. So, listen, Robbie, you see, you and your followers out there...

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26,000 on Twitter. Slightly less on Instagram.

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Amazing. I mean, no, your loyal followers, yeah,

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the ones out there that were screaming,

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"Dirty Pakis, fuck off home."

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I don't mind them, bruv, anywhere near as much as I mind you.

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I mean, shit, at least with those lot, what you see is what you get.

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They're the same mentality of people telling my old dear in the '80s

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that they'd throw her off the sixth floor of the flats

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and hang me from the balcony, yeah? Just cos she was an immigrant.

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Bruv, they're nowhere near as dangerous as you.

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You see, you, Robbie, you give them validity.

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You give them a cause.

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What do you say on the internet all the time?

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"Islam is a cancer."

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I mean, shit, what do I know?

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But if you ask me, Robbie Worthington

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and his moneymaking rhetoric is the real cancer here, mate.

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Oh, shit.

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Oi!

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Is he dead?

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I killed this motherfucker with my realness! Ha-ha!

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Oh, shit.

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I killed this motherfucker with my realness.

0:18:310:18:35

Hello?! I think Robbie's a bit dead!

0:18:350:18:37

Hey!

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Help! He's looking a bit dead to me!

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Hello?! Hello! Hey!

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-What have you done here, Moon Beam? Get out.

-Oi!

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-I killed him.

-You killed him?

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Yeah, I killed him. But with the power of my words, yeah?

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You can't go to jail for that, Harper!

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-Yeah, you haven't.

-He's not dead?

-No.

-Oh.

0:19:090:19:12

Guys! You OK?

0:19:120:19:15

-All right, you're free to go.

-Eh?

0:19:160:19:19

Why? I thought you hated us.

0:19:220:19:25

I do. I hate your lot. I hate his lot.

0:19:250:19:28

I hate old people who fall over in their gardens

0:19:280:19:30

and can't get back up again.

0:19:300:19:32

I hate anybody who makes my job more difficult than it already is.

0:19:320:19:35

This is, like, the most positive police prejudice

0:19:360:19:39

I've ever experienced in my life.

0:19:390:19:41

No, go home now before I change my mind.

0:19:410:19:43

-Just a quick hug though.

-No!

0:19:430:19:45

-Go on.

-Fine.

0:19:460:19:48

-Yeah!

-Oh, my God. Are you OK, though, are you all right?

0:19:480:19:51

-Yeah.

-Hey, listen, are you all right?

0:19:510:19:53

-Yeah?

-What happened in the van with that waste, man?

0:19:530:19:56

Did he give you the cure for cancer?

0:19:560:19:57

Forget it, man, he is a waste, you know what he's like, but you,

0:19:590:20:01

are you OK? Did they look after you, yeah?

0:20:010:20:03

-Yeah, I did.

-Totally. I did, definitely.

0:20:030:20:06

Come here, man! Come here!

0:20:080:20:11

Bonjour-no!

0:20:110:20:13

ALL SHOUTING

0:20:140:20:16

NO DIALOGUE

0:20:330:20:36

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