Episode 1 Me & Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting dizzy doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running from our lives Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting dizzy doing nothing

# Getting dizzy doing nothing. #

Sorry, Mum, I just thought Nemo would like a swim somewhere new.

Well, I'm not sure he wants to swim in the sewage pipe, Charlotte.

Come on Nemo, come on.

SHE MAKES KISSING NOISES

Oh, mind out.

Oh, wrestling a goldfish first thing in the morning...

-Oh, dear!

-Nemo's very ticklish.

-Gotcha!

-Aren't you, Nemo?

Wow, Nemo, what an adventure you've been on!

Right, quick sticks or we'll be late.

Mum, if Jesus hadn't died, how old would he be now?

I don't know. Right, coats on,

-grab your bags.

-Because you can't add up?

No! Oh, can you not eat your packed lunch before school, please?

-Poppy's getting a bosom bra. Can I have one?

-No!

You don't need a bosom bra, do you, Mummy?

Thank you, Charlotte.

-Can Nemo come with us to Dad's tonight?

-No!

-Come on, Nemo.

-Try and keep quiet.

-Right, off we go.

-POSTWOMAN: Morning, Mrs Jones.

-Morning. Come on, chop-chop!

-Right, off we go.

-Look, Mum!

It's a postcard from Alfie in China.

Now come on, let's all just get in.

Don't drag your bag, Charlotte!

Everybody in or we're just going to be late.

Is it today or tomorrow for Alfie in China?

Right, can everybody just stop talking and get in the car?

It can't be tomorrow, because that hasn't happened yet.

Unless our brother's Doctor Who. Is he, Mum?

-Mum?

-What?

Can you help me with my maths homework?

Miss Collier says if I don't bring it today,

-she'll lose all my golden time.

-Do it at your dad's.

Mum, I like the way how the light makes the fur above your lip glow.

Yes, thank you, Jess.

But it's due in today!

-SPLASHING

-Oh!

Mum, does Nemo have to wear a seatbelt?

Wait till I tell the class Mum had her hands down the toilet!

'Charlotte and Jess have got their football match today, love.'

I'll collect you at 4:30.

I should be revising for my waxing exam this evening, Jason.

If you please, you will speak to Gemma

and arrange for otherwise.

She'll go potty!

But it's important I learn to wax, Jason.

English women are having a lot of mighty big hairs.

Gemma will understand my strong needs in that matter.

Sure I can't change your mind?

It will take more than the wolf sex to change Inca's mind.

EXFOLIATOR BUZZES

BELL RINGS

But, but, but!

Ugh, that's gross, Mum!

-We're not six!

-Oh, don't hug us, it's embarrassing!

No, it isn't!

See! There's nothing wrong with a hug.

Only poo-heads hug.

Oh, Jess, please don't say poo-heads.

Mrs Jones, can you not use the word "poo" on school property?

Poo? No, hang on!

No, I didn't say poo.

-Morning, Gemma.

-What?

I see you just made it on time.

Caroline, hi. Yes, I expect you're wondering why I shouted poo.

-Not really.

-No, it wasn't actually me who said it first.

I was just, I was just repeating it so that it...

no, she's gone. Right.

Erm, hug please.

Mum, stop being a geeky loser.

Oh!

I'll pay you.

-BOTH: How much?

-50 pence?

Pound each or no hug.

And we want half up front.

Oh! You two are so like your father.

There we go. Ah, ah!

Hmm! Lovely day.

Did you just pay your daughters for a hug?

No, don't be ridiculous.

Of course not. It's their lunch money.

But they've got packed lunches.

Yes, they have, yes.

They eat two lunches.

They have some sort of

fast metabolic rate issue.

It's a twin thing that affects their...

How can I help you, Tom?

Right, good. Straight to the point.

I like that.

Gemma,

would you like to go out with me

for a drink slash meal thingy tonight?

Oh, sorry! I don't know why I did that.

Well, it was a nervous reaction to the drink slash meal thingy.

Oh, why am I still holding your lips?

Oh, no, I've been holding them for too long now.

OK, um, I'm going to let them go

and we're going to pretend this never happened

and we're going to talk about the PTA.

So...

Look, I have talked to you about the PTA every day for a month now.

What I've really wanted to do is ask you out.

Which I think you know.

HE CHUCKLES

So...

call me, Mrs Jones.

FRAN: Watch where you're putting that sword, Flynn!

Fran.

Tom.

Oh, no! Is it Roman day?

-No.

-Sorry, sorry.

Er, I thought I'd better explain.

I saw that happen on a TV show once,

but it was on a naked thigh,

so a little bit sexier.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

The school DILF's phone number?

Tom!

Gems! Result!

He is super sexy.

I mean, like a slightly porkier Antonio Banderas in Zorro.

The Nigella wannabes

are going to hate your guts if you date their Tom.

You know, I could have been a Nigella.

Yeah, if you hadn't got drunk at sports day

-and tried to seduce Mr Roberts.

-SHE LAUGHS

Interesting look with the wellie thingies.

Yeah. Flynn buried all my shoes in the garden again.

-NIGELLAS:

-Arrivederci Tom! Bye.

You are going to go out with him, right?

He's not my type.

What, you mean he's not a self-centred philanderer

with a very small... SHE GIGGLES

Enjoying a deep throat chocolate moment, are we?

Jason, blimey!

You nearly gave me a heart attack!

How many times, can you please knock?!

The door was open! And my kids live here.

I should be able to come and go as I want.

Yeah, of course, you're right.

I guess I should have the keys to yours,

so when the twins are with you, I can let myself in and out.

Inca will be happy with that.

Fine! I'll knock!

Thing is, Gem-Gem, Inca's got a waxing exam tomorrow

and she needs to meditate tonight. So...

Oh, no, no, you don't!

The girls are staying with you tonight.

Please! Inca will just stealth wax me in my sleep again.

-Oh!

-I'll still see the kids at the weekend.

Inca's doing Sunday lunch, Swedish style.

Yes, well, as delicious as

dry Ryvita, pickled gherkins and cabbage sound,

you'll see them tonight.

Why? What difference does it make?

Because, Jason...I've got plans.

To go out.

Singles night at the Legion, is it?

Do you need a hand?

No.

I've got a date.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

What sort of lunatic writes his number on human skin?

It's sexy.

He would have done it on my naked thigh,

but I was wearing trousers. It's Tom.

-Tom Marshall.

-The knob in the Range Rover?

Yeah...no! Tom's not a knob!

His wife left him for the Asda night supervisor.

That qualifies him for knobdom.

Well, I left you for no-one, so what does that qualify you for?

Fine, I'll have the girls.

Don't wear those!

Unless he's a pervy knob in a Range Rover.

Bet you're glad I popped round now, aren't you?

Love to Inca!

Yeah.

Poo-head!

-RECORDING:

-'Hi, this is Tom and Poppy's phone.

'You know how to do this.

-'After the beep, leave a message.'

-BEEP

COUGHING

'Oh, sorry. Advocaat went down the wrong way.'

-COUGHS

-I don't normally drink during the day, just a quick shot for courage.

Anyway, that's not important.

'It's me, Gemma, Gemma Jones from the playground, you wrote on my arm?

'But you know that. Anyway, er...'

I will go out with you tonight, goodbye.

Yes. Yes! Yes!

'Oh, what have I done?'

Oh, actually the phone isn't... Oh.

Bye-bye, bye.

Hai!

Fran, I'm not sure about this dress.

-Fran!

-What? Sorry, I was just flirt-texting my dentist.

Look, this dress, it's confusing.

Rubbish. It's the perfect mix of educated sluttiness. Trust me.

I thought you were going to chicken out of this date with Tom.

No. Jason drove me to it.

Hmm, he'd drive me to binge drinking and self-harming.

I look like Noddy.

I quite fancied Noddy when I was little.

He had his own car.

It might help if you took your clothes off.

-Oh, fine.

-PHONE BEEPS

Ooh, and I will need to bring you up to date

on this century's sexual practices.

What? I assumed sex had remained the same over the centuries.

Who was the last man you slept with?

Er, oh, er, was it, erm... Oh, er, no.

-Er...

-It was Jason, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Look, men over 40 need to see flesh to make the effort.

I mean, nowadays people don't even go on dates,

they just hook-up for a quickie

-between Attenborough's Blue Planet and Newsnight.

-Really?

Yeah. I mean, Attenborough's shows are responsible for at least

three of my best ever sexual encounters.

You can learn a lot from the animal kingdom.

Oh! I'm going to cancel.

Tom's really nice.

You deserve some fun, Gems. PHONE BEEPS

Oh, Houdini would struggle with this!

Does "bosoms" have one or two Os?

'The female must do everything she can if she is to attract her mate.'

Yes.

Wow!

Reminds me of you, mate.

Alfie!

Hey!

You're not supposed to be back for another four months!

Are you in trouble? Drugs? Have you been expelled from China?

It's not school, you don't get chucked out of China for smoking behind the bins.

Oh, yeah, this is, this is Billy, I said he could stay for a few nights.

Hi. I think there's something on your...

Oh! No! Oh...

Billy saved my life in China.

Saved your life?

Yeah. I fell off the Great Wall, straight into his arms.

It was quite romantic, really.

I thought you were supposed to be away

-discovering yourself until Christmas?

-Nah.

I discovered myself in a week.

It turns out I'm actually fairly shallow.

-Man, those bears are really going for it.

-Oh.

Is that...actually real?

Look, if it's a problem me staying...?

No, no, no, mate, it's all right,

-Mum's cool with this sort of stuff, aren't you, Mum?

-It's fine. Yeah.

-Oh, it's lovely to have you home.

-Oh, hello!

-Let's celebrate with a... Tom!

-What's a Tom?

Oh, I've got a date with a Tom. No, no, wait, I'll cancel.

Don't do that cos we're going to go out.

Right, I need a shower if I'm going to work my Alfie magic tonight.

You make yourself at home, mate.

You know, once they've mated, the male walks away

and might never see the female again.

Met a few of those in my time.

When I say a few, I mean...

Yeah, anyway, so, I need to get ready.

Oh, there's squash in the fridge.

Brrr!

The thing is, Jason, because I am so slim, I feel the cold much more.

And besides, apart from my head, I am completely hairless,

like an otter.

Oh, I should be revising for my waxing exam this evening, Jason.

I know, love.

And to show my appreciation,

I will let you wax any body part you like when we get home.

Good teamwork, Poppy! That's the spirit.

Poppy is such an amazing little person, Tom.

-A real credit to your parenting skills.

-Oh, thank you.

No, thank you, for being such a positive male role model.

That's the guy who's going out on a date with Gemma tonight.

-Which one?

-The one who looks like a knob.

-He is a handsome knob.

-No, he's not.

He looks like he could really give the good sexual experiences.

Come on! That's my girl! Well done.

My flesh and blood, from these loins!

Go Jess, yes!

-It was Charlotte who scored.

-Huh?

Oh, yeah. Woo!

Charlotte!

# Somebody loves me... #

Oh brilliant! Now I look like a scarecrow.

# I wonder who it can be? #

Oh great, now I look like Hitler!

Hi. Hi.

I'm Gemma, I'm Gemma.

Hi, I'm Gemma and I've got a family of rats living in my hair.

-COMPUTER BEEPS

-Oh, yes, get in!

I've just been sexy poked by that fit Thai bird I met in Bangkok.

-And you're OK with that?

-Yeah, she was hot.

-Her name was Ken!

-I don't care. I'm sexy poking her back

and then we are going to go and get totally mullered. Bleurgh!

It's just a date. Pull yourself together.

-How do I look?

-You look...

-Like the Fuhrer?

-No.

-Think I should just cancel, get an early night?

-No, you look nice.

-Oh.

Kind of Cameron Diaz -

in Charlie's Angels, not Shrek, obviously.

You're just saying that

so you can take advantage of my washing machine?

Yeah, absolutely.

You know I've got a weakness for a triple A plus graded 1400 spin

washing machine with 12 wash programmes,

a reduced creasing option and a 29 minute quick wash.

Wow! You really know your stuff.

Two summers working at Croydon's premier electrical store

has its uses when it comes to impressing the ladies.

Bet it does!

Oh, I feel like a teenager on a first ever date.

That's a great feeling, isn't it?

You know the bit just before your first kiss

when you know it's going to happen but you don't know when

and your heart's pounding...

-Oh, no!

-What?

-I should have shaved both my legs.

-You only shaved one leg?

Well, you know, work deadline, trying on 14 dresses,

prodigal son returning,

sort of, took my mind off what I was meant to be doing.

Contraception.

What?

My hairy leg, I'll use it as a form of contraception,

it'll...it'll put him off.

I think I'd find it kind of intriguing -

the woman with the one hairy leg.

Alfie, my work's on there, be careful.

Chill, I know what I'm doing.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, no, I'm not... Oh, how do I look?

You look great.

Hello, Tom.

Wow!

You look super!

Oh, thanks.

This is my son, Alfie, just back from travelling the world.

Alfie, this is Tom.

All right, mate?

He's your son? Wow! Big!

I didn't realise you and Jason had been together so long.

That Muppet isn't my dad.

Alfie!

No, I had Alfie WAY before I met Jason.

I mean not WAY way, I'm not that old!

I mean, I'm oldish, obviously...

but I was actually really young when I had Alfie.

Not young as in headline of the Daily Mail young, but... You know!

Oh, did you, er, did you say something?

No, no, you carry on, you're doing really great.

Gosh! Two man sons.

No, no, no, this is Billy, Alfie's friend.

He saved his life.

-Oh.

-Hey.

Yeah, it wasn't drugs related.

-I saved someone once.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

Well, when I say someone, it was more of a dog.

It was an old lady's dog

and she said it was more of a son to her than her own son.

Anyway, poor thing fell into the pond.

Got distressed, you know, little legs, paddling.

I rolled up my trousers and went in.

Saved him.

Oh.

EERIE WHINING

What's that noise?

Whales who are relaxing.

Ugh, what's this?

Tofu and bean sprouts.

Ugh, puke!

No, not puke. Now, eat it up, girls.

Hmm, yummy.

Dad, I thought we were having burger and fries?

I'm sorry, Jess, but I don't allow meats in this house.

But we had burger and fries with Dad last time we were here.

-Excuse me?

-When you were at your spray tan class.

Don't be daft, love, we don't do hamburgers, remember?

Or any form of corporate food.

Are you lying to Inca?

No, I promise. They've got it wrong.

I would never allow a quarter pounder down my digestive tract.

I have decided which body part of yours I am going to wax.

Hmm, these are lovely.

Steady there, cowboy, they're strong.

STRAW GARGLES

SHE HICCUPS

I needed that, it's been a long day.

You look really stunning, Gemma.

Thank you.

I knew you could.

I mean...you always look good.

Oh.

Always.

You just look...more good now.

Oh, thanks.

The thing is, you get too used to slobbing around in jogging bottoms.

Sometimes I forget I've got a waist.

I've seen you in those jogging bottoms at the school gates.

-Every morning, sporting that big old Marmite moustache.

-HE LAUGHS

Marmite moustache?

Well, it's either Marmite or chocolate spread.

-It's Marmite.

-Ah, thought so.

I like your teeth.

Aye-aye!

Ladies.

I'm Alfie. This is Billy.

He's a bit like my Sherpa.

-We just got back from travelling the world.

-Really?

Yes. Tell them, Billy.

Yeah. China, Borneo, Phuket.

Alfie was just telling me how he's a changed man since Thailand.

Sex change?

You're funny, I like you.

No, no, I mean, changed, as in my outlook's changed.

I'm kind of now looking for someone who's my intellectual equal, like...

Paris Hilton.

-Someone I can share things with, like...

-STDs.

Experiences, you know?

Like a lady with intelligence, knowledge, you know, a big brain.

Which would obviously mean a big head.

Yes, yes, a big head, sure.

Are you saying my head's too big?

What? Er, yes, no, sort of, you know, in a good way.

Like a Bratz doll.

I mean, not plastic or, you know, just...

What I'm trying to say is, Billy, what am I trying to say?

I think what you're trying to say is,

can you buy these two ladies a drink in town for being a dick on the bus?

# I'm sexy and I know it. #

Khob khun ka.

So, thong yib.

Pinched golden egg yolks for you.

And sang kha ya fak thong, which is Thai custard with pumpkin for me.

Oh, yummy.

-Gemma, I...

-What's wrong?

Not lusting after my pinched egg yolks, are you?

Am I being a bit over-the-top?

What?

It's just...I feel perhaps I've been trying too hard.

You know, that I may have come across as a bit of a knob.

No.

It's just it took me so long to pluck up the courage to ask you out,

and then you said yes, and now we're here, and I feel...

I've had a lovely evening, Tom.

Yeah, it's really nice to feel like a grown-up again.

Oh.

I'm glad I said yes.

You really do have great teeth.

So, you're mates with our Alfie?

Yeah. Four months of intercontinental mayhem,

ending up with him being chased out of China by an old lady with a broom.

Yeah, sounds like Alfie. What had he done, broken her heart?

-She had three daughters.

-Oh?

Three broken hearts and one broken broom.

So you thought here would be a safer bet?

Well, that and we ran out of cash.

What do you think?

Yeah, you're right, they do feel kind of natural.

-Yeah, I told you.

-Good.

-Yeah.

-Billy?

-You'd better get your broom.

They are fake!

I can never find anything in this bag.

It's like a bottomless pit.

Well, apart from half a doll and football cards,

and...ah, socks, of course. Yes.

So...

So...

Er...do you fancy another date sometime?

Erm, yeah, that would be really nice.

-Oh, er...

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Sorry.

-No, I...

-No.

-Rushing things.

-No, no, no, no,

you just caught me off guard but I'm, I'm on guard now.

So...erm...

you could...try again, maybe. If you wanted to.

-I can't feel my feet.

-I know just what you mean.

No, I mean I really can't feel my feet,

I think you're standing on them.

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry!

Sorry.

Don't mind me, carry on. Hello, Tom.

Hi.

Where's Alfie?

Still sampling some of the local delights.

Right, well, I'll leave you to it.

Bye.

Oh, hold the door.

Thanks again, Tom, see you at school!

-I'm really sorry for disturbing your...

-Oh, no, it's fine.

Got to leave them wanting more.

-Do you mind if I make a coffee?

-No, go ahead.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no!

-Everything all right?

-No, it won't turn on.

Oh, I knew I should have sent my work before I went out!

-Let me look.

-No, no, no! Do you know what you're doing?

-Yeah, trust me, I used to be a big nerd.

-How big?

NHS specs and acne big.

OK, do it.

-What's wrong with it?

-Shh.

There we go.

Oh, thank you!

It was just unplugged, that's the first place us big nerds look.

You'd be surprised how many...

Gemma? Gemma!

-Yeah?

-Oh, Gemma.

The girls have been throwing up all over the place.

Inca's got bean sprout puke in her hair extensions,

-she's in a terrible state.

-Bean sprouts?

She made us eat green stringy stuff, Mum.

Oh, no! Sorry, Billy.

It's fine, it's fine.

Oh, this is disgusting.

-Oh, just get out!

-It's not my fault!

No, it never is!

Billy, you'd better get yourself cleaned up.

There's fresh towels in the bathroom.

Who are you anyway?

Er, not now, Jason.

Got yourself a toy boy?

What happened to the knob?

Couldn't he rise to the occasion?

All right, I'm leaving.

Goodnight, Mummy.

Got the sick off.

Good.

-Sorry about that.

-No, I've just spent four months with your son,

so I'm kinda used to it.

DOOR OPENING

What are you doing?

Shh, shh, I didn't want Alfie to see us together.

-Together in the hall?

-What? Yes.

You've got no top on.

-He might have got the wrong idea.

-The wrong idea about what?

About me having a shower?

Yes.

No. Well, I may have slightly over-reacted.

To me having a shower?

No, to Alfie seeing us together.

-He may have thought we were up to no good.

-Why?

-Do you usually get up to no good with his friends?

-No!

-Absolutely not, never. How could you even insinuate...?

-I didn't.

Shh.

DOOR CLOSING

-He's gone.

-Well, phew(!)

Because, God forbid, he could have caught us innocently chatting in the hall

but us holed-up chest to chest in the bathroom, no problem there.

-Good night, Mrs Jones.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Night.

Night.

Mind the bed bugs don't bite.

"Mind the bed bugs don't bite?" Really?

So...you snog a man you barely know on your doorstep

and then you drag a half-naked young man into your bathroom.

Well done Mrs Jones!

Well done.

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting dizzy doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives Going nowhere

# It's really something Getting dizzy doing nothing... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd