Episode 2 Me & Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting dizzy, doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting dizzy, doing nothing

# Getting dizzy, doing nothing. #

"So, erm, Billy..." Yeah, good, keep it casual.

"Erm, I was wondering, could I, erm..." No, no, no.

"Can I." Yes.

"Erm, can I have a word about the incident in the bathroom last night?"

No, no, not "incident".

It's not a crime scene, erm, more of an awkward misunderstanding. Yes, good.

"Which could have come across as a, erm, a thingy.

"But it wasn't a thingy. But it could have looked like one.

"Erm, but it wasn't. OK?"

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, bloody blimey!

Oh!

Oh my God! Sorry!

Oh! Oh no! Oh! Did you see anything?

No!

-Sure?

-Yes.

-Not that I'm Pamela Anderson.

-I know!

-What?

Sorry, I didn't mean because I'd seen your...

What I'm meaning is, clothes do seem anatomically correct,

you know, in proportion to your...

Thanks, I think. Right, I'm decent.

Oh, hair! It's nice.

Thank you.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Anyway, Billy, yes, erm, I'm glad you're back.

Not for any weird reason or... Look, can I have a word about...?

-It's fine, don't worry about it.

-Well, you don't know what I was going to say yet.

You were going to apologise for pushing me into the bathroom

when I was half naked last night. Forget it. It's no big deal.

I would say it happens all the time, but it doesn't.

Ah, you're back, mate. Just in time.

Right, Mum, me and Billy are going to the twins' parents' evening.

-We are?

-There's going to be a lot of fit older women there,

MILFs, my friend, and you know what they're gagging for, don't you?

-All of this!

-BURPS

I'm sure an undisturbed night's sleep and full-time child-care would be preferable.

I bet I snog a MILF before you do.

In fact, let's make it interesting.

First person to snog a MILF wins, loser gets the drinks in.

Hang on, mate. Mum, did you make these cupcakes?

Yeah.

Right, well if you two are coming, then you'd better get a wiggle on.

Jason and Inca have got the girls and I'm meeting them there in half an hour.

Prepare to be paying for the beers, my friend, because you're looking at an older woman's dream come true.

Well, it's true! Believe it. Women find me uncomfortably sexy.

-Yeah, I'm not sure that's a good thing.

-Oh, it is, Mum. It is.

You're going to have someone's eye out with those, mate.

I've got overly prominent nipples, as you well know.

I'm not ashamed!

Talking to me?

You talking to me?

Ain't nobody else here. Talking to me?

Who are you talking to, Jason?

No-one. Come on, love, we're going to be late.

Gemma's going to kill me if we don't get the girls there on time.

Wow!

Erm, is that an appropriate look for a school function?

Jason, I will not restrict my natural Nordic style.

Express it, not suppress it. You will want to be losing the dated blouson back-pleated leather bomber jacket.

You are looking like Jeffrey Clarkson.

There's nothing wrong with that. And it's JEREMY Clarkson.

No, I love this jacket. I'm just trying to express my idea of...

Enough, so I'm blocking my ears to you.

Charlotte! Yes, we go.

Your dad is going to birth mice if we're late.

Let the games begin, my friend.

See you inside.

Can I assist you, fair maiden, with those?

Hmm, thank you. Yes, and you'll need to make four more trips to the car.

Oh God! Mine looks like road kill, doesn't it?

No!

Yeah.

Knew it.

BELL RINGS

Have you seen Flynn?

He's run off in his Grim Reaper costume waving a pork chop around.

Ooh, hello!

Hello.

Fran, Billy, Alfie's friend. Billy, Fran.

Nice to meet you. Haven't you got good eyes and a good face and...

And thank you, Fran.

And I'll take these in for you.

Hmm. Have you snogged him?

What?!

No, of course not!

I mean, no.

What would Alfie think?

-I'm sure he'd be pleased for his mum.

-Really?

Yeah, Tom's gorgeous.

Oh, Tom! Yes, no, Tom. Yes, good.

Oh my God, you did more than snog Tom, didn't you?

-You have the sex glow.

-No, I don't.

-Well, either that, or you've got cystitis again.

-Neither.

Oh, you've got that naughty twinkle in your eye.

-Oh, it's probably a stye.

-Oh, please say you at least snogged Tom.

Oh, fine. He kissed me in the ear.

Interesting! Did he use his tongue?

Oh, now that's the sort of guy who could blink and make you orga...

-Excuse me.

-..Organism.

Your son Flynn has been observed drinking from a toilet bowl.

Well, did he flush first?

Erm, yeah.

Well, that's fine then.

OK, OK, I'll go and get my son.

It's meant to look like that.

# My heart skips...

# Skips...skips...a beat... #

GIRLS SING ALONG: # Oh oh, oh oh! #

Move it, you numpty!

Close your ears, girls, your daddy is being head crazy again.

Jason, a balanced diet rich in Omega 3 fish oil reduces stress and hostility.

Or are you wanting a heart explosion?

I'm not eating fish juice.

What are you thinking the virility tonic I'm making you drink is?

Ugh.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Hiya.

Oh no, the Nigellas! That's the last thing I need.

-They look OK to me.

-Oh, don't be fooled by their Yummy Mummy exterior.

They're actually a bunch of judgemental cashmere pashmina-wearing monsters.

Oh.

-They're going to love this.

-Come on, I'll hold your hand.

I don't need you to hold my hand. I'm not a...

-I didn't mean...

-I thought you came here to pull MUFFS with Alfie?

I think you mean MILFS.

Hi, Gemma.

Oh.

Wowee! Interesting cake.

Thank you.

No, it wasn't a compliment. It was an observation.

Hi, guys.

Hey!

Tom!

-I say, Billy, would you mind?

-No, of course.

Thank you.

Bloody done it again, haven't I? I've overdone the cake thing.

It's just that Poppy and I had such a fabulous week creating it, I...

No, Tom, it's wonderful.

I wish I could cook like that, it's really fantastic,

it's like a work of art. Not like mine.

Mine's more Damien Hirst, "Stuffed Bloated Cat Run Over By A Truck."

Not "Woodland Wonderland Family Wedding Day."

Is that the fire alarm?

When I was reprimanding the class yesterday,

Flynn put up his hand and asked if the reason

I was in a bad mood was because I was due for my pyramid.

He is very attuned.

He wants me to call him "Butch".

-Well, he must really like you.

-I have no doubt of that, Mrs Taylor.

-Miss.

Because he told me that when I die,

he wants me to buried outside his bedroom window.

Oh no! Oh my God!

Oh wicked, my sisters are orange!

What the...? I mean, how?!

Oh, you!

Sorry we're late. I heard you were back.

Jason, can I have a small word?

-High fives. Down, boom!

-Boom!

I'm not sure about your hair, girls.

What the hell happened?

We got held up. Some idiot driving like a girl's bra.

-No, what happened to Charlotte and Jess?

-What do you mean?

What do I mean? They're orange, Jason!

In case you hadn't noticed.

-Well, Inca did it.

-They show it to us at the beauty academy,

-how to turn people sun-kissed. I'm using taupe.

-Hmm, nice.

Sun-kissed? They look like over made-up Space Hoppers!

They have a healthy look.

And Gemma, the tanning lotion has anti-ageing properties.

Anti-ageing? They're ten!

Exactly. No need to thank me.

Look, Mum. I've got fake nails. See?

Oh, you both look good enough to eat!

This is too much.

-Lying down.

-Lying down.

Wow, that's impressive.

Yeah, my daughter made it.

We papier-mache'd her cousin, Griffin Junior.

We gave him a straw to breathe through, obviously.

Oh, obviously.

So, I expect Gemma has been walking around on cloud nine since our date?

Ah...

My feet have barely touched the ground.

You know, underneath all the mess is a really super woman.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Real knee-buckler of a kiss.

Oh, right.

I know it's bad form for a chap to talk about such matters,

but it gave me a slight pinching in the gut.

I'm feeling a bit punch-drunk and giddy about the whole thing.

That's great, Tom.

Anyone special in your life?

-Oh, I...

-Wise.

You're young, don't tie yourself down, keep your options open.

Spray the fields, eh? Spray the fields.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

I just don't think it's appropriate on ten-year-olds.

Gemma, I'm taking my duties as soon-to-be step-mother

with the great seriousness.

I promise you I'm never going to again step on your foots.

You're their mother and I'll just be a very, very, very, dear friend.

Thank you so much, Mrs Collier.

Oh, no, thank you. Ava May is a pure joy to teach.

Hello, Mr and Mrs Jones, do you want to come in?

Hello, I'm Inca Adolfson, soon to be Inca Adolfson-Jones.

Oh.

(I can't help it.)

I will be the step-mother and I'm Swedish.

Perhaps we should just focus on Charlotte and Jess?

Ignore me, I'm just going to observe.

Right.

Well, er, both girls are doing really well academically,

-they're both bright.

-Woo!

Yes. Unfortunately, we have had some issues with Charlotte of late.

-I see.

-She's become a bit boisterous in class.

I mean, her work's not suffering at the moment,

but she is disrupting the rest of the class.

-Class clown?

-Well...

-I was like that.

Had the class in stitches, even broke the teacher.

-Right, well...

-Is it jokes? Because I was like that.

-Jason!

-What?

-She dyed the school hamster pink.

-Oh no.

-Brilliant!

Pranks! I was like that.

-I bet it brought the house down.

-The children were very upset.

-Of course they were. We'll talk to her.

-She's OK.

A few jolly japes never held me back.

I run a successful sandwich delivery company.

I have a fleet of VW transporter vans.

I'm not sure one van could be classed as a "fleet".

OK, I'm bored.

So...

do you think there could be a reason behind Charlottes' behaviour?

-No.

-Yes.

BELL RINGS Please, can I have some cake?

-You're not having any.

-Please.

-We won't stop hitting you.

Right, show me the money.

Mate. Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, mate, you're not getting any action, are you giving up?

Losers get the beers in.

-No, I don't even remember agreeing to...

-Ssh.

My MILF's back. Right, I'm going in

and I'm taking no prisoners. Love gun...loaded.

Brilliant(!)

Where's Alfie going?

To be humiliated.

I like your wares.

I don't get to eat home cooked food much.

I travel a lot, business mainly, you know,

high-ish finance, stocks, bullion, that sort of thing.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Is this your cake?

-Yes.

Mmm...

It tastes sensual.

You do realise you're going to have to pay for that,

now that it's been soiled?

How much is it?

-£20.

-£20 for that?!

-Yes.

-Have you got change for a fifty?

-Yes.

Actually, I don't have a fifty, I've only got a fiver.

I need to get some money from my mum. Mum!

Ha! This is having big kidney.

A volcano is a land form, usually a mountain,

where liquid rocks erupt from the surface of the planet.

Yes, I'm a man, I know what a volcano is.

Did you know

that the name volcano has its origin from the name Vulcan,

the god of fire in Roman mythology?

Yes.

I run a successful sandwich business.

"The Running Bun."

Oh, I should've brought my beauty business cards, Jason.

There is a lot of facial hair in this place,

-and I don't talking about the men.

-You're not even qualified yet.

Do not try to make me tiny, Jason.

I come here today just for you to practice as future stepmother.

The Running Bun.

I don't think that's a very good name for a sandwich company.

And your volcano's rubbish.

Can I have a word, Jason?

We need to talk about what happened. You'll have to say something.

Fine, I'll talk to Charlotte about the hamster.

No, I'm not talking about Charlotte. I'm talking about...

Jason, she dyed our kids orange,

she came to the parents' evening. It's got to stop.

Fine, I'll try and have a word.

-Jason, I need your purse.

-Wallet!

Gemma was Jason's first wife and I will be the second.

Oh right, congratulations.

-Oh no, we're not engaged.

-Yet.

So, er, fancy winning some fabulous homemade cakes?

Gemma's is a treat.

-HE LAUGHS

-Gemma's is a treat!

-Yes, thank you, Jason.

-What?

I wish I'd known, I could have baked my spettekaka. It's a...

Oh, sweet dry hollow cake shaped like a cylinder,

made only in the southern regions of Sweden.

Oh my, you have visited my Sweden?

Ja, jag har. Ja jag boode dr fr tv ren.

You speak Swedish?

Well, pigeon Swedish really. I get mixed up with the tenses.

Den hr er s spnnande, jag missa min hem s mycket.

Oh verkligen utom sknheten av Uxbridge.

SHE LAUGHS

Um...

I'm going to go and look for the girls.

Jason, Tom has great Swedish humour.

Doesn't say a lot for Tom then, does it?

You want I should kill myself, Jason?

You want I should eat carbohydrates? I have family history of suicide.

Right. So, how many tickets? One strip?

The whole book. I've got a fleet of sandwich vans.

Inca says I need to look out for excessive body hair.

She says no one wants to kiss a girl who looks like a moose.

She's got a point.

I would like to kiss a moose.

That's because you look like a moose.

SHE MAKES KARATE NOISES

Can you wait here while I get her, right?

SHE WEEPS QUIETLY

Jess?

Are you in here?

No.

Well, that's a shame, I kind of wanted to talk to her.

Well, she's not in here.

The thing is, she's meant to be doing her show in a minute.

She's not going to, cos she'd be pants.

Really, pants? That's quite harsh. Why would she be pants?

Because someone told her she'd be pants.

Well, if I was Jess, I'd want to show that "someone" I WASN'T pants.

She said I look like a moose.

Well, you don't. You...

You look a princess

and every night, little fairies dance on her face.

-No they don't, silly.

-See?

Little fairy footprints that they've left behind.

And they wouldn't dance on a moose's face, would they?

SHE LAUGHS

Do you really think I can make Poppy look pants?

Just by showing up,

you're going to make her look like a huge pair

of your dad's baggiest, oldest Y-fronts.

Yuck!

You're a silly billy, Billy.

You do know this is a girls' toilet, don't you?

(Boys wee standing up.)

Wow.

I know.

If I wasn't hiding one affair,

I'd hunt that man down and smother him in Tiramisu.

All right, keep your knickers on.

They're not his type.

Go on, give us a little waddle.

THEY LAUGH

You're ready.

Inca's going to practice her beauty techniques on me.

Hmm, Jason is not happy to be being my experiment.

-Too right, she painted my toenails in my sleep.

-I'm happy to do it.

-Cheers, mate.

-Thanks, Alfred.

-My next session are the deep tissue full body massage.

-Oh, top!

No, wait, hang on, no, no, I'll be your experiment for that.

No, Jason, my oiled fingers get stuck in your man-fuzz.

I love a massage. Just oil me up and...

No, do me. You can wax me first.

-Really?

-Hmm.

That is true love.

Jason, you are being jealous. That is so sweet.

I have no interest in his young, taught, smooth skin.

-Just your fuzzy, piggy belly.

-Oh! Ha, yes.

When we're gone back home, I heat up the wax.

BACKGROUND PIANO MUSIC

-Hi.

-Oh, hello.

Yes... Is that dog carrying a head in its mouth?

It's Flynn's.

Oh, and that explains it?

Yes, for about six weeks, he thought he was a dog.

Fran spent a fortune on squeaky bones.

Thank you.

For what?

I heard you talking to Jess.

-She's not as tough as Charlotte.

-Yeah, she's sweet.

-Yeah.

I worry about them.

Most of the time, I feel like I'm always one step behind them,

trying to catch up with them.

And then one day I know I'm going to turn round

and they're going to be big grown-up women.

-Look at Alfie, he's a big grown-up...

-Woman.

Thanks for...

Looks like you won the bet.

I didn't kiss you to win a bet.

Argh!!

STOP KISSING MY MUM!!!

-Alfie!

-Argh!

Alfie!

Yes, we're so proud of Ava May's platinum award.

(I've just got to...)

Yes, thank you so much.

Hi, it's me. Mr Jones.

I remember.

About the hamster, you can tell me now we're alone.

You laughed, right?

I didn't.

But I bet when you told them in the staff room, they all laughed.

They didn't.

If I asked you off school premises, you'd say it was funny.

I wouldn't.

Would.

No running!

You boy! No running in the corridors.

Alfie, stop!

-I just want to explain, it's not what it looks like!

-Really?

It looked like you were snogging the face off my mum to win a bet!

No...

When I said we were going to try and pull MILF,

I wasn't talking about my mum! She's not even fit!

Alfie, stop being an idiot. Can we just talk about it?

You, come here.

Stop it!

Isn't that what you should've said to him?!

I was just saying thank you to him for, for... It was a mistake!

-Yeah, too right.

-Alfie, calm down.

HE SCREAMS

Aargh!

I'm sorry.

Aaaaaargh!

Yes, they have been rehearsing terribly hard.

Settle down, settle down. Welcome, welcome, one and all...

(Mummy. Mummy.)

..to this Year 5's performance of Penguin Party.

It's Billy.

Sorry.

Sorry. Welcome. Welcome. You haven't missed anything.

-There's a seat somewhere for you...

-There's one over here.

So, as you can imagine, the children have put in a lot of time

and effort into devising the show.

There's a seat at the back, young man, just on the...

-There's a notice...

-Perhaps there's some problem in the corridor?

Where was I? Er, yes, the penguin costumes

are an absolute credit to Mrs Collier...

Fight me like a man, you girl!

What's going on? Have you smuggled booze in?

-APPLAUSE

-Mrs Collier...

Stop acting like a baby, it's just a misunderstanding.

..hiding somewhere...

I do not know what this is about, but would you both just calm down.

-Sssh!

-Ssh yourself!

-TEACHER:

-..and this is following on from project work and...

Hello, everyone. Hi.

If that is everybody?

-Gemma.

-Is that everybody?

-Gemma.

Er sorry, I'll just um, I'll just take a seat.

That's the whole family.

-TEACHER:

-Following on from the project work...

Stop it! Stop it.

Ssh. I'm trying to record it and you're ruining the audio!

You ssh, this is real life going on here, lady!

Ava May has been practising for weeks for this

and we've spent hours on her costume.

Oh, get over yourself. She's dressed as a fat penguin,

-she'll THANK me for ruining the video.

-Alfie!

APPLAUSE Psst!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Can somebody help me?

-Oh, yes.

-Ow!

Can I just say, he's not biologically my son.

Ladies and gentlemen, Year 5 Penguin Party.

APPLAUSE

-If you ruin Ava May's big moment...

-Do you want to take this outside?

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Oooow!

Alfie, if you fight the hold, the arm will break.

Hello, Lucy.

-Now breathe.

-HE GASPS

Now, what was all this about, eh?

'She's always happy, even though it's cold where she lives.'

Nothing.

-Alfie!

-'Hello, Lucy.'

-I'd better go after him.

'Come on, let's go to school.'

Oh, what's wrong? You're usually so happy.

You know I've got you on tape, threatening me.

Well, you'd better turn around, unless you want the follow through on there too.

'This hole covers almost the whole continent...'

Just so you know, none of this is putting me off.

I definitely want a second date.

APPLAUSE

-Sorry, sorry, do you mind?

-Sit down!

Thank you. Sorry, so sorry. Brilliant, thank you.

Mate, I'm sorry. It just happened, it wasn't your mother's fault.

-How would you like it if I kissed your mum?

-That would be weird.

-Yes, weird.

-But she's 64 with a grey perm.

She had me late in life.

-I was a gift from God.

-What, like Jesus?

I should just find somewhere else to crash, man.

Look, right, what you did was gross, mate.

That's a line you don't cross.

But you know, we've all done something disgusting to win a bet.

I once kissed the lips of a frog to get a free pint.

Right, in we go.

-GIRLS:

-Hey!

-Hey!

Hi, hi.

What are you doing?

-Alfie, did you see us?

-Yeah.

Poppy fell over and couldn't get up again.

You were the best seals I've ever seen.

-BOTH:

-But we were penguins.

-Mmmm...

THEY LAUGH

Go on.

You OK, Alfie?

Yeah, it's OK. It's all sorted, Mum.

I realise it could have been anyone.

He wanted to win a bet, it's not like he fancied you. Right, mate?

Right.

Alfie, can you tell us a story?

Yeah, one of your made-up ones.

Keep it clean, Alfie.

It can never happen again. I should never have let you.

-I wanted to.

-Stop.

-OK. Whatever you want.

Yes, well, it is what I want.

There's Alfie and there's the girls and you're...

Right, I get it.

It's got to be over before it begins, OK?

-OK.

-OK.

-OK.

-Right.

Excellent. Right.

Just stop it with your eyes and your lips and your...

I wasn't doing anything.

Right, good, good, good, excellent. Yes.

I mean, we shall speak of it no more.

I'm going to go upstairs to read, or sew.

Right. I never had you down as a sewer.

Well, I'm old. It's what we do, sew.

# I'll play the part again...

# One more time... #

Stop kissing him. What's wrong with you?

I mean, so what if he's young and attractive,

with a voice I could eat?

Oh... Stop it!

Tom, Tom, think of Tom.

I said stop it, you...scarlet woman, you.

# One more time...

# I will. #

# We spend all our time Lying side-by-side

# Going nowhere

# It's really something Getting dizzy doing nothing

# We spend all our time Running for our lives

# Going nowhere

# It's really something Getting dizzy doing nothing

# Getting dizzy doing nothing. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd